proud

I will not be in a court in Wigan at 10am today to hear my name be read out. I'm feeling all kinds of things, one of which is regret that the first time my name is read in court it's for this, and not for something I could feel proud of - standing up for justice, causing mayhem in the act of trying to make a difference. Well, too late to change it now.

I'm due in work shortly after that time but my hope is to mark the moment by phoning people about Christian Aid week - so that I'm not letting it stop me from being who I am, something about carrying on moving forwards and living as much as possible the life I feel I should be living.

I'm sad, and still so full of cold as to be weary, but I'm mindful that part of me is still pleased with myself. I'm aware of the sayings about it being easy to love people and act kindly when it's easy. I'm conscious that it may have felt simpler to swap love for hate, to be fuelled by bitterness rather than try and keep seeking the best in those presenting the challenges.

The judge when he or she reads out our names will have no idea at all of the background or the way we have been managing this difficult time. Despite their title, I don't feel they are the ones to judge - those of us actually involved are the important judges of how we have responded. As always, I've not been perfect, but actually I can feel proud of myself. I still won't be divorced, there's more negotiating, paperwork and solicitor fees before that happens. But today is definitely a day for listening to Seize the Day songs. These two are court cases I'd have rather have been in:
http://www.seizetheday.org/music.cfm?trackID=108&albumID=8&alphabet
and
http://www.seizetheday.org/music.cfm?trackID=82&albumID=6&alphabet

and today I shall celebrate that I'm doing a reasonable job of seizing the day and living how I'd like to. I know I've shared this before but I'd forgotten just how inspiring I find it:
http://www.seizetheday.org/music.cfm?trackID=29&albumID=2&alphabet

I hope you remember today whatever it is that inspires you and you too seize the day :D

...
With hindsight it would have been better to ensure I wasn't on my own. But my fab solid friend came online so I asked her to just "be" with me for those few mins, whilst I cried and sang. Was too upset to make calls, but it worked out ok, as these things always do.