all my love

This morning I must get round to opening the Christian Aid parcels which arrived a week ago, as tonight I have a meeting about the Week's service for which I must prepare. There's also report writing, expenses etc. This afternoon I'm leading a session and had purchased biscuits - only I've just discovered someone has opened the biscuits and left the unsealed packet in the cupboard, I don't know how soft they will be now. Ah well, if that's the worst of this morning's discoveries, I can't complain.

One of my friends faraway is facing a tough time and I wasn't sure what to write. After some deliberation I opted for "sending all my love". If I send her all my love what will be left for those who need it here? Except love isn't like that - the more you give away, the more you have left. So I could give her my all and still have lots leftover. That's handy really - there's lots of people who need lots of love. Hope you have tons to spare too today :D

wow!

My children got up at 4 and 5 am to do the washing, empty the dishwasher, walk and bath the dog, and make cupcakes all before I got up this morning. I am amazed and a little anxious that they will be tired and grumpy later and tomorrow. Am bowled over by their dedication tho!
I know many of you reading this are not mothers, so whether you are or not, I hope you today are also amazed at the lengths people go to because they love you that much.

My girly insisted on going alone to the shop to purchase the ingredients for the lunch and tea she wants to make. Just like her mum, she bought more than she could easily carry home. A very kind bloke saw her struggling and helped her get the 3 bags back. We live in a brilliant community B-)

brum

I feel like I've done so much driving - Birmingham to Bristol and back felt way longer than I expected yesterday, maybe the infinite roadworks had something to do with it? Today I can get a bus to my training but there is still the drive Home later.
It's been so worth it, I still have a massive smile on my face from being part of something where there was so much love - it was uplifting, moving and just bloody brilliant!!! The love was tangible - not just between the couple, but from all their friends and family cheering them on and celebrating their happiness.
Today sees the advent of same sex marriages and a report on the radio said that a fifth of those surveyed said they would not attend a ceremony if invited. If yesterday was anything to go by, those people would miss out on one of the most life and love affirming experiences I have ever had. What a shame that they dont know what they are missing!!

....
I need you to use your imagination - I wasn't able to take the photo from the bus, but if I had, that would be the pic to accompany today's blog. Three rainbow flags are flying outside Birmingham library - yay! Home now and incredibly tired. Annoyed with the department of Time that has decreed I lose an hour from tomorrow when I could do with more not less, especially as I'm hoping it will be full of my kids being particularly nice to me!! I'm going to try and get my sleep in now...

debonair

I was going to get someone to check over and even out my shaved head but have forgotten. And I have a rather noticeable zit on my face. Debonair still isn't my word but nonetheless I'm excited about celebrating the love today - hope whatever And however u r celebrating love, you do it with grace too B-)

love and beards

It was a lightening feeling, leaving the office yesterday knowing I'm not in til Tuesday. It has dawned on me tho that perhaps it's not quite as much of a break as I'm imagining - I'm working in my 2nd role today and my third on Monday. Saturday I have a training day in Birmingham for my fourth role. So actually I only have the one day off, which is only half of a typical weekend, so not exactly a holiday after all!!! But I will be getting away, and I'm looking forwards to celebrating all the love that is very evident between the couple whose wedding I'm going to. There's even a playlist on the invite - how cool is that?! I'm quite pleased with the card I've made - they always sign off "love and beards"

After work today I still need to check I have something suitable stylish and debonair to wear, as per the invite. Life has all felt rather rushed of late, will be great to have a day that's totally different (tho getting to Bristol probably will entail a bit of rushing at some point!), and very full of love and beards :D

..journey was very wet then very slow, but elbow Were playing on radio 2 so it wasnt too bad 

8:45

Today we'll be finding out by text at 8:45 whether or not my boy needs to be in school. His sister definitely isn't, and has plans to go swimming and hang out with her friends - it's a beautiful day for it :D
But her brother is younger and needs a plan B if his teacher is striking. It feels funny, waiting on a text to discover how our day will be - dashing here and there and back again, or just dashing there ;)

Last night I had an image of myself as a fly that's been got at with a fly swatter. Do people even have fly swatters or are they just the stuff of cartoons? Anyway, I realise I currently feel more like a limp than a fly, and it's fine that I'm taking a bit of time to tend my dented wings before I soar again.

The sky does look inviting today tho :D

....
Plan A is go go go! I'm in some ways disappointed, I'm supportive of people's right to strike - I'm not as disappointed as my boy who is gutted that his sis has the day off whilst he doesn't. The good news is there's less distance I have to dash now :)

cold tea and sympathy

I don't like the days that are so busy that I only have time for a couple of sips of tea and then am needed to do something else. Not even time to blog, or look at an interesting link sent as encouragement from a friend, that requires 12 consecutive minutes of sitting down time. There has been considerable sympathy, a kind fb message, and I'm still v grateful to the friend who rang me on sunday. I think the problem may be me not getting a sufficient daily quota of hugs. tho I've realised I do enjoy waking up and having the solidity of the dog at my back, or between my ankles, so surely that must count for something?
Today I have seen and like this:

"real difficulties can be overcome, it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable" Theodore Vail

I definitely need to give fear the boot as I'm doing reasonably ok with the actual difficulties, it's only the perceived ones, the what might be's, that are dragging me down.

And I also like: it's never too late in the day to start your day over

And so I shall...

impossible dragons

Making a dragon out of playdough was much harder than I anticipated. I gave up. It was the attempting something joyous/child-like that was the important thing, not the finished product. It's felt like an impossible kind of day. There were some positive moments. For the first time in as long as I can remember, the kids had friends over for tea, so that felt like a return to normality after a long absence. Apparently I called my son by his affectionate name rather than his real one, on more than 8 occasions. I hadn't noticed at all. They will kick me next time, I'm told, so that I will realise. I don't believe that kicking is a good way of helping people to realise so maybe we'll have to find another solution.
I feel like I'm nearing the end of my dragon book - tho that may only be due to the fact it is a long book, so having a hundred pages left or whatever it is, seems like a small fraction of the weighty tome, and I'm hoping it's a gentle home straight but there's actually plenty of time for further nasty twist and turns I guess. I hope not, there's been too much grief already.
I'm going to bed, hoping for sweet dreams, maybe literally - a sweetshop, or a land at the top of the faraway tree, or a scene from charlie and the chocolate factory. If things are going to be impossible, they might as well be pleasantly so!!

...
I don't recall any sweeties in my dreams but do remember discovering it was an hour earlier than I thought at bedtime so it didn't need be so stressful. That was a good feeling to have in a dream. Wonder if I can transfer it to wakeful time?? It's a full on work week this week, an extra hour somewhere would be nice - I have a feeling we lose an hour on Sunday tho don't we??

hollowed through

daffodils everywhere today

I talked about myself a whole lot more at the party than I would normally do. That's maybe not a terrible thing. I still listened some. I hope people don't think I'm self obsessed, through in truth, I am at the moment, as you can see from the egocentric moanings that currently fill my blog.
Later today I will try and do the other thing of the "would like to" do list. Maybe it could be a longer list. Maybe it could contain more outrageously fun things than the two frankly mundane items on there (basically, having a bath - successfully completed yesterday, tho kept on the list cos I could always repeat it - and watching a tv programme). It's hardly the stuff of dreams, or pinnacle of aspirations, is it? Perhaps I'll distribute daffodils to people in the park again - I enjoyed it when I did that last time.

sheep wool caught on barbed wire

So if you could put something lovely on your to do list for the day what will it be? Do let me know - it might inspire me!!

Numbers: 120 daffodils at the ridiculously low cost of £2.60. Divided into 24 bunches of 5 or 6. Distributed in 50 minutes - several refusals - it got better when I started saying "I'm giving away daffodils" instead of "would you like some daffodils". Air temperature around my ears -17C

nicenicenice

The world's my oyster today. After yesterday's meltdown I am clear that today I need to be doing nice relaxing things rather than things-i-ought-to-do. So, I may not get round to reading up on mortgages. If it's the predicted rainy afternoon I may bring down a duvet and watch at least one of those episodes of Jonathan Creek that I've not yet had chance to. Candlelit bubblebath this morning maybe, reading my book til the water goes cold? I may need to make a dish for tonight's party - if I hear from boyfriend that he's well enough to go, he might make a veggie curry, if not I'm wondering if I can get away with counting a tube of pringles as a dish??

...

I wrote a couple of lists, and interestingly life isn't that clear cut is it. A couple of the things on my "must do" side turned out to be enjoyable - I took the dog where I wanted to go on his walk (to a gate so I could stare out across fields) rather than where he wanted to go (the nearby field for me to throw the ball over and over again). My "should do" list was way longer than the "want to do" list and I managed 6 from the first and one from the latter - I could probably get a better balance couldn't I? The good news is I'm assembling a dish rather than taking Pringles. It's a real struggle for me not to get overwhelmed by the sadness when I'm on my own. There are things left on both lists for tomorrow in case I am on my own tomorrow too. And I'm celebrating that for at least some of the time I actually enjoyed the time by myself. It's a start.

freebird

Sometimes I feel so grumpy with my alarm - telling me what I don't want to know - what time it is and that the time involves getting up. I guess something similar is going on when people are grumpy with me - I'm just reminding them of what they'd rather not think about. It's not the alarm's fault, it's just doing it's job. And when I point out it's time for school etc, that's not my fault, I'm just doing my job as a parent.

I'm not feeling very free at the moment - feeling bound by rules I'd rather not keep, deadlines I'd rather not meet.

There's potential for shaking a bit freer this weekend tho. My work gathering tonight I need to take a song that means something to me. Most songs mean something to me! I will probably share the seize the day song I go on about. Although something to dance to will also be good - will see what I can find. I've also bought not one but two bottles of alcohol. Me, who manages a second _glass_ if I'm lucky. We'll see what happens. (but do not expect an early morning blog from me tomorrow!!) I definitely need to let my hair down (tho as I'm shaving it off first that might be an odd metaphor) as I've spent much of the day feeling very sad and fearful and tightly wound up. Good job I have an evening of dancing and eating with lovely people. I hope whatever you do this evening there is also joy and friendship.

...
2.15am! *checks alarm isn't set for the morning*

ice

I'm back into my long standing relationship with my book series. It's currently set on/in a glacier and so I'm waking up unwilling to get out of my snuggly duvet having dreamt of cold places and warm connections. I look forwards to thursday evenings as I take my boy to a drumming lesson and sit outside for half an hour and usually manage a little bit of reading time in that slot. There's always sorting to be done too. I'm finding arranging childcare particularly stressful at the moment and the thought occurred that maybe i shouldn't be working if at least one of my children is still young enough to need me primarily as their carer.
I also wonder if I should make the effort to take my book to work and actually claim the lunch break.
And then I just remembered that one of favourite programmes was on the tele a few weeks ago and I've still not found time to myself to watch it.

It's International happiness day today but I have not felt much happiness today. I shall try and make up for that tomorrow.

pushing at the edges

Now, don't laugh too much at the ridiculousness of this, but last night I realised I don't have to follow my own unwritten rules. It was getting late and I was feeling hungry. Usually, I berate myself for staying up late enough to be getting hungry and then go to bed so it's soon breakfast. Last night I decided to make myself a cheese and chutney bap, and then, wait for it... eat it in bed. I hadn't even realised I had unwritten rules about food in my bed at bedtime. It felt so exciting to be doing something I wouldn't normally do. I shall now be on the lookout for what else I don't do but could :D

This boundary pushing is great. I was pleased to be a little brave at the weekend too. On saturday at the conference I was chairing, I decided I'd open things by singing "Oh What a beautiful morning", and encouraging folk to join in with me. They did. Not many people know the verse tho, I discovered. Then on Sunday I enjoy singing in the chapel, they are strong singers. I plucked up courage to sing some harmonies to the hymns, and it was much appreciated. I don't think they are joking when they say they'd like me to go and teach them some time. We'll see.

Most mornings I'm still waking up with a negative message in my head so I'm trying to counter that by making my first deliberate thoughts "I love you" and then sending that out. So it's like a prayer, to God, to all my loved ones near and far, and also to myself. I'm pleased that this morning the song on my head was Dido's "thankyou" - a much more affirming song to wake to than the one that usually pops into my head first thing.

I hope that you get to notice where you limit yourself and push a little against it. And that you hear all the "I love yous" :D

don't need no good advice

One thing I remember from being a teenager was putting on an outlandish outfit and asking my Mum's opinion on it. If I recollect rightly, it involved wearing an electric blue snood as a skirt. When I decided to wear it anyway, she retorted "I don't know why you ask me if you're not going to listen to what I say!" And so I learned that I might seek the views of those I trust, but actually that's just a starting point. Sometimes hearing what others think can be useful, but actually what's way more important is what we think ourselves.

I was asked for advice yesterday. I don't do advice. Advice is when you tell people what you think they should do. As if we really know what it's like for them, or what the best thing might be! I would usually deflect straight back with questioning as to what they'd like to do. But I was rushed and they'd explicitly asked for advice, and so I gave my opinion. Of course, in the asking, they already worked out for themselves what it is they wanted to do - that's all it takes really, taking the space to write stuff down or talk it out, so we can get to what it is we actually want to do. Fortunately they'd decided to do what I had suggested, so I just about got away with it. But I won't be in a hurry to advise again. It's not empowering. Tho it is a lovely sign of trust isn't it, when people want to know our opinion on something important to them.

It's interesting, 'cos often people thank me for my advice, when I'm clear I've not actually given any. I've "just" listened to what they've shared, perhaps reflected back, explored some options and asked them how they would feel about trying them. And I'm also aware that there _is_ a time and place for advice. I have needed advice from my solicitor as to the court proceedings, and what would be deemed acceptable in terms of agreements as it's something out of my knowledge area.

So I'm not totally anti-advice. It's just there's a whole lot more can be done, if we are willing to take the time to be alongside those who seek it. However we help people today, and however they help us, I hope we can be glad of it :D

through the dirt to the sunshine

"For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction." Cynthia Occelli.

I don't know who Cynthia is, but it's nice that for once the quote I snaffle from facebook has a name attached to it.

I've hit the ground running today with work and haven't actually got showered yet - this is an advantage of working from home but I do feel like I'm attempting a million things at once. Will finish this once I've got a few things under control...
My morning has been very much a non-stop juggling between each of my 4 jobs, and the numerous other tasks in need of attention, rather than focussed on one. It looks sunny out there so now might pop out and do the outside things on the list.

I've just had chance to look at this (made me cry)
http://www.upworthy.com/a-beautiful-explanation-of-the-differences-between-the-fantasy-of-love-and-the-reality-of-love?c=ufb1

and liked the bit that love comes and goes but we can ask for the door to be left open. As you know I'm of the opinion that love comes in many guises and we love lots of people at once, rather than it being a one at a time experience. Or maybe I'm just very lucky.
Anyway, back to the seed, and if you're feeling a bit like your insides are spilling out, the blossoming can't be far off. keep pushing through the dark dirt and you will emerge in the sunshine.

included by name

I had a great discussion with my dad last night as to why I use the word humankind rather than mankind. I believe the language we use has the power to exclude. We can also use words carefully to try and be inclusive. I have noticed the difference it can make to be either invited by name to something, or not to be mentioned, leaving uncertainty as to if I'm wanted or not. This morning I'm off to the village chapel where I've always felt warmly welcomed. My aim is to let someone there know how much I appreciate a paragraph they submitted to the village jubilee book that I read yesterday. They wrote about messy church and family, and specified that all were welcome. More than this they went on to explain that it is about _being_ family and single, widowed, grandparents, childless and divorced people all are welcome. I think the explicit list is helpful cos I know when in a place of doubting I know I can wonder - it says all but do they really mean me? Of course I'd have been even happier if they had also mentioned same sex couples as traditionally the church isn't well known for recognizing their vital contribution to being family. So if I can do it without getting upset, or even if I get upset anyway, I will thank them for going that extra step to let people know - you are wanted here, come and take your place.

...
Found the right person to thank (spreading the congratulations on the way as I tracked them down) - yay!!

Home

It's good to be Home. I've never actually lived here, my parents moved after I'd left home, but my grandparents bought it when I was one, so it's been an important place in my life for all my living memory.
I can't remember the last time someone checked on me to ensure I was up in time. I'd been showering for ages in an attempt to rouse me ready for my work event, but the cottage walls are so thick it's hard to know what anyone is doing when you're elsewhere in the house.
As well as being concerned that I was oversleeping, Dad also made me breakfast, 3 pieces of toast under my mushrooms instead of the two I requested "cos I know what you're like". It's ace to have people know you well and love you - even despite what they know!!
Love lots B-)

daft o clock

busy day today.
could have done without being kept up til after 1am.
will try n be blog later, inspirationally, when I get chance...
(which may be 2016 or so! hope I manage to get a little fresh air in Cumbria amidst the busyness.)
...
Jiving along to blame it on the boogie ensured I stayed awake to get us safely here, tho I'm Not sure what the driver behind thought! My parents had kindly stayed up past their bedtime to welcome us. Good decision tho to go to Choir first, we made a good sound and shared some wonderful smiles :-) Bed now!!

storm in a teacup

Like lots of us, there are times when I don't feel appreciated enough - I suspect pretty much absolutely every person isn't appreciated anywhere near as much as we deserve - some of us get down by that at times, sometimes we're ok enough in ourselves to be alright without the affirmation/appreciation. Unfortunately, my not being thanked for a brew turned into a multi-thousand pound storm in a teacup. Not my smartest move ever, but I don't have to feel totally responsible. No really, I don't.
I'm trying to be gentle with myself and acknowledge that I'm in a place of grieving still. My cat, my marriage, and just all those changes cos nothing ever stays the same. This week I've heard that two of my lovely local friends and key parts of my support network are potentially moving away, one of them abroad. I'm totally delighted for them and know it's a brilliant and right thing for them both. And I'm also scared about the loss. Several of my wonderful friends are no longer physically near and it's important for me to remember just how easy it is for us to pick up our friendship whenever we do get the chance to meet. There's that saying about friends being like stars, we know they are still there shining, even when we can't see them. And technology is a marvellous thing. I Skype my boyfriend most days so we can still see each other as I only get to see him in real life about once a week. And it's hard to remember a time now before texting became a way of staying in constant touch. But nothing beats a hug and I will miss my friends if their plans do come to fruition, just as much as I'll be cheering them on in their new adventures :)

So it's an odd feeling for me at the moment - I'm aware of how incredibly lucky I am and I am connected to that feeling, yet I also feel really very sad - but that's ok - life, and our feelings, aren't always straightforward.

One of the ace things about pets is that you can unburden yourself with them and they don't answer back by telling you what to do, or judging you in anyway Apart from the time I was first at uni and not allowed a pet, there has always been a bundle of fur whom I could curl myself around and sob into their soft coat. I'm very grateful to have friends a bit like that too. Tho maybe not so fluffy on the outside ;)

pilgrim's progress

It's a long time since I read John Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress, but unlike most of the books I read as a child, I can still remember parts of it. Maybe it's time for a re-read to see if it's timely to encourage my kids to read it? I wonder if my Dad still has a copy. We're going there this weekend, which I always enjoy, tho I'm not sure if there will be much time for relaxing as I'm off early on the Saturday to chair a training day, whilst my parents hang out with the kids. I'm still undecided about the evening before - I don't want to miss choir as I can't make the following two weeks, but if I go, we then have to go back home for the dog and won't arrive til really late. I'll see how badly I need a sing/community hug come friday. Right now I'm very much in need of a big sing. And a massive swear too, would probably help. Thankfully it's wednesday so I should get the former, and maybe I'll ask a friend to help me with the latter too.
I'm aware of the saying that when we wish we were someone else, if we put all our troubles in a big pile we'd be quick to grab our own back when we realised everyone else's are no easier than our own. Hope whatever troubles you have they are bearable today. I'm going to try and fling mine in a lake or something.

...

No lakes, no swearing, and off to take a child for a book signing with Dick and Dom (who?) so suspect I won't get much cursing opportunity there. Still in my slough of despond, but know which buttons it is that have been pressed to get me there, so all I have to do...

love more worry less

Up early worrying about pensions *sigh*.
But the good news is I went to bed smiling, having got to a place of being grateful for just how lucky I am to have my life as it is.
Going to see if I can grab another hour's kip as it's a busy work day today...
....
Being a working sole/soul parent is especially difficult when a child isn't at school :(

out for a drive

I will focus on all that was good yesterday - sorry if you'd like updates on the harder bits but that's not appropriate sometimes. I am aware that after so much hurt this weekend, it is buzzing under the surface and I know I'll have to work really hard at not lashing out. People who are hurting can be so dangerous, and I don't want to be passing the hurt on. Thankfully I have my regular counselling call tonight - that makes such a difference! And it's good to be aware of the struggle - means I can be mindful of it and will be as kind as I possibly can to myself and others :)

Sunday school was ace, we created such a profound list of wants vs needs. We concluded holidays a want but rest a need, brain and organs a need whereas good health is a want, and they spoke about fame and celebrity status too. I had a good discussion with someone as to if knowledge is an essential to life's survival, or a desirable - we figured it may be both.
My boyfriend  took me out for a drive in the afternoon, a concept that I associate with being old (he assures me it's not) and something I struggle with as it has no purpose other than recreation, which I never really get as a purpose. It is so wasteful of fuel and so hard for me to enjoy when I know others can't enjoy that kind of luxury. However, I totally appreciated the thinking behind it as he wanted to help me take my mind off things, and it was lovely to see the daffodils and the lambs. It's just the sort of thing my Dad does for my Mum so I tried to focus on that aspect - I'm so lucky to have met him :D

We didn't have communion yesterday but I did come across this which is rather lovely, and reminds me how proud I am to be part of a church where children taking communion is the norm:
http://jasonvalendy.net/blog/2014/3/7/10-weird-things-kids-do-at-communion-i-wish-more-adults-would-do

The sun is shining today. Maybe today I'll try and write a few things for my jar, I've not done that in ages.

...
My minister lives opposite where I was working this morning, and so I popped over for some TLC - he's ace. Then home for some comforting beans on toast - it's what my mum made for me when I was off school sick so I've done the same for my girly today and we're both feeling much better :D

curtailed endings

Like the previous evening's gig, we had to leave early and missed the end. This time, the musicians had started an hour late, and we had to dash to catch the train home. I was afraid we'd miss the last train back and we actually left earlier than we needed to, tho it did mean we got seats on the very lively train.
Fear can have us behave in ways we wish we didn't. Last night fear had me turn my back on one of my best friends and I'm really sad about it. If in trying to think well about how others feel and what others want, I don't get to be the person I want to be, then it means I've not got the balance right. Fortunately the session I'm leading in Sunday school this morning is not on Peter's denial of Jesus, or else I'd be in bits. It is on temptation and we're going to list the difference between wants and needs. Once the young people have suggested stuff, I'm going to offer that love is a need but wanting to be liked is a want. I will have to find a way of forgiving myself for yesterday as I need to be a much better place before this afternoon's dreaded meeting.
Much as I wish we'd not been in that particular place, it was really good to be out with my friend. And it was lovely to be out with a different friend earlier. A good way to mark International Women's Day, spending time with just two of the many amazing women I'm lucky enough to have in my life.

finding the fun

Waking up worrying about insurance and an unpaid bill is not a scheduled part of the fun for the weekend, but I guess it means I can proceed upwards from there.

It's tempting to think the fun doesn't start til I leave the house - I have a list of chores to get through first. But actually I want to find the fun wherever I can. So I just took my cereal outside and sat next to the daffodils for breakfast. I will try singing very loudly whilst washing up. Not sure how to inject excitement into the calls - boogie whilst I dial? In scheduling so much fun, I've not left many gaps for hoovering etc. so it will all be a bit slapdash - what an oversight ;)

Last night's gig was lovely - could only stay for the first set as it was a licenced premises and I had my (chess competition winning) cub with me so we had a kick out time of 9pm. Was ace as several songs were covers he knew. I think my fave was Snow Patrol's Run. We missed the big singalong at the end but am so glad we managed what we could.

Whatever your day holds I hope you too find the fun - whether in domestic duties or if it's a day of great adventure for you :D

loving our decisions

"the more you love your decisions the less you will need others to love them" was the quote that was my fb status the other day. I agree - things like my current shaven hairstyle which I love, it doesn't bother me at all if others like it or not. Decisions I feel less secure about I often seek approval for, or feel sensitive to other's criticisms around.

Big decisions to be made on Sunday eve, so have filled the weekend with tons of fun. I have cancelled the blood-letting cos I couldn't answer affirmatively the question about being fit and well. There's going to be hanging out with my much missed boyfriend, but he's working the weeknd so I've been searching out other fun. I'm hoping to catch part of a friend's gig tonight, with my son, and maybe seeing a lovely person whilst I'm over that way, or it's a book read in the car if not. Tomorrow I've still to firm up meeting an awesome friend by day, then have planned an adventure for the eve. I'm not totally sure about the decision - a gig in Manchester that may be too mellow for the fun we need to have - it's the support artist I'm especially keen to see (that happened with gigs last year too). She's my gigging pal and I've taken her to one memorable gig before now that neither of us liked. But the fun is in the being together. She's also my camping pal, and we've had ace times even in adversity. In fact, trying to boil potatoes on a camping stove in a thunderstorm is such a happy memory tho it felt tricky at the time. Funny how a bit of looking back fondly can make all the difference!!

Whatever your decisions I hope you enjoy them to the max :D

laying burdens down

Life is feeling a lot like an endurance test at the mo, and I know that's not how it is supposed to be. So I could do with reducing the number of trials, or the impact of them. Fortunately I'm going to a Lenten labyrinth this morning so will lay down some burdens there. I was supposed to be stewarding it, but my wise minister suggested I attend just as a participant, seeing as each email I sent him gave a decreasing number of minutes I was actually available to help out.
Another option of course to stop life being such a battle is to increase the amount of fun. I will consider the possibilities.

My status on facebook yesterday was:

angry people want you to see how powerful they are

loving people want you to see how powerful You are.

I might have this as my mantra for a while.

proud

I will not be in a court in Wigan at 10am today to hear my name be read out. I'm feeling all kinds of things, one of which is regret that the first time my name is read in court it's for this, and not for something I could feel proud of - standing up for justice, causing mayhem in the act of trying to make a difference. Well, too late to change it now.

I'm due in work shortly after that time but my hope is to mark the moment by phoning people about Christian Aid week - so that I'm not letting it stop me from being who I am, something about carrying on moving forwards and living as much as possible the life I feel I should be living.

I'm sad, and still so full of cold as to be weary, but I'm mindful that part of me is still pleased with myself. I'm aware of the sayings about it being easy to love people and act kindly when it's easy. I'm conscious that it may have felt simpler to swap love for hate, to be fuelled by bitterness rather than try and keep seeking the best in those presenting the challenges.

The judge when he or she reads out our names will have no idea at all of the background or the way we have been managing this difficult time. Despite their title, I don't feel they are the ones to judge - those of us actually involved are the important judges of how we have responded. As always, I've not been perfect, but actually I can feel proud of myself. I still won't be divorced, there's more negotiating, paperwork and solicitor fees before that happens. But today is definitely a day for listening to Seize the Day songs. These two are court cases I'd have rather have been in:
http://www.seizetheday.org/music.cfm?trackID=108&albumID=8&alphabet
and
http://www.seizetheday.org/music.cfm?trackID=82&albumID=6&alphabet

and today I shall celebrate that I'm doing a reasonable job of seizing the day and living how I'd like to. I know I've shared this before but I'd forgotten just how inspiring I find it:
http://www.seizetheday.org/music.cfm?trackID=29&albumID=2&alphabet

I hope you remember today whatever it is that inspires you and you too seize the day :D

...
With hindsight it would have been better to ensure I wasn't on my own. But my fab solid friend came online so I asked her to just "be" with me for those few mins, whilst I cried and sang. Was too upset to make calls, but it worked out ok, as these things always do.

restraint

Very grumpy, but not with you dear reader :)
Written stroppy email to try and convey how grumpy I feel. Trying to resist urge to send email. Know that passing on grumpiness isn't very effective. Reciting to self "give people a bit of your heart not a piece of your mind". There was another good bit of wisdom on fb too, something about not trusting your tongue when your heart is bitter. I know my life certainly would be much better if others had kept that in mind, so I will hang fire. It's a thin line tho isn't it. If you don't let others know what you feel, then they don't know. If you only show patience, and your best attempt at kindness, then they think you're kind - wait, that's not so bad. I just don't want to be a doormat. Being assertive is fine. Letting people know how I feel is fine. Sometimes it's just counter productive tho.
I think it has helped to get down on paper, so to speak, some of my annoyances. I shall be sensible (when am I ever anything else?) and will re-read it in the cold light of day and see if it needs warming up a little. To be honest, my "complaint" letters are usually so friendly, people may not realise I'm complaining. Maybe I'm just scared of people thinking I'm not happy with them.

I'm hoping my Grandma will be discharged from hospital tomorrow. I've missed being able to ring her, even tho it's not really any longer than I would normally go without talking to her. I'm used to people having fb and being instantly contactable I guess.
I also miss my cat. And it's hooked back into my first memories of loss - I was gutted when I lost my first pet as a child. Each morning so far when the dog has jumped off my bed, I've steeled myself for the yowl and got ready to jump out and intervene, only to then remember that the dog and the cat won't fight anymore. Silver linings.
...
I've not even re-read the email, but will do when I get chance and modify it.
Off shortly to watch my girly perform in the the sound of music. Hope whatever mountains you've had to climb today, you've been giving it all the love you can give and following your dream :D

full of cold

Still feel spectacularly rubbish :( Am beginning to wonder if I'll be well enough to give blood on friday? Emotionally less wobbly tho so that's good :)
Early work start today tho as out at a group. Going back to bed for ten mins now tho, this was just getting onto my computer whilst I could!!

Cup a soup time - can't taste anything so may as well have something v easy, warm and soothing for my throat!! And the sun is shining so will then get out into it - had a v productive morning so that's good.

David, this one isn't going to make it into the book is it? ;)
I guess some days just aren't full of inspiration, some days are just full of snot...

priorities

Pesky child, wanting to create tokens of love rather than getting on with their homework. What kind of prioritising is that and who on earth could have communicated that message as to what is most important? Anyone would think life was for loving people and showing them that they mattered, rather than getting jobs done and doing as we're told...
And being more generous than me, she used WHOLE glace cherries to decorate some of them!!
;)

it's not fair

I had a massive attack of it's-not-fair-itis this morning. Foolishly I stayed up way too late last night reading, which left me too tired to cope well with the crappiness of the morning. It includes the unfairness of today's solicitor bill whereby I have to work for over 3 hours to earn enough to pay for a 6 min email. Thing is, I know that it isn't fair for anyone, so many people I know have had crappy weeks this week. There have been discussions of a footballer earning a quarter of a million each week, and there are many trying to survive on less than a dollar a day. So whatever we earn it probably doesn't feel fair. Every single one of us experiences loss, grief, doubt, it is unfair for us all.

I know materialism is not the answer but I might look up fluffy fairtrade towels. All my towels are thinner and stiffer than cardboard. And tonight I will try for a much earlier night. Hope whatever unfairness you have felt today that you've taken it in your stride and not let it deflect all that is lovely.

you are my sunshine

The days after my husband left were really really hard. I'm very lucky to have had a friend who checked in with me, day after day, for months. Asking how I was, reminding me I was loved, and that I was not on my own. Singing back my song when I'd forgotten what it sounded like. Charting my progress when it felt like I wasn't moving forwards. For me it was a very tangible act of love and commitment.

Maybe a time will come when I do the same back for them. In the meantime, knowing how it made a difference to me having that contact (some days it was the only reason I got up), I now try and do something similar for others when I sense that some regular checking in would help. I'd like to do it much more - with all of my friends in fact. But that's not possible, so I'm doing it in short bursts, one at a time. Emailing/messaging and not expecting/insisting upon a reply. Just being there, just a little contact. I won't get it right all the time but I know my attempts so far have been appreciated.

The day has already run out but I'm still hoping to have a quickie look at an unexpected gift from my Dad that arrived in the post today. Entitled "one million lovely letters" it's about the love letters a woman in adversity writes to strangers who are feeling low (I can see why my Dad thought it would be up my street!!). The blurb on the back includes "I set up One Million Lovely Letters to help other people, but it has helped me too - more than I can begin to say... I know it will be alright. We can be each other's positivity, each other's ray of sunshine. We are all connected."

I suspect you will hear more about this book once I've enjoyed it :) Meanwhile, cheesy as it may be, thankyou for the sunshine many of you have offered me and rest assured of my full-on-wattage sunrays whenever I can :D