Together

Unexpectedly plans have changed, we will stay in dufton another night. Here's a lovely tree from our very nice walk. I think it looks like the two trunks are hugging.

Tomorrow we will hopefully drive halfway to collect my lovelies, will be good to be with them again. I've never been apart from them to see in the new year before. But it's only a social construct, really it's a night like any other. Any time we spend together is good.

down time

It's been a tough few days but I'm hopeful now that things are back on the up :) Intense day of work today then off for a night in my favourite place. Then kids back tomorrow and lots of days in a row off to do not very much at all - hurrah!!!!
Thanks for hanging in with me. Hope you have been enjoying some down time too (in the sense of downing tools, not in terms of being down, I don't wish that on anybody, obvs.)

All ears

My ears are so important to me, listening being key to my daily experiences. Yet they've long given me trouble too. As a child I experienced a lot of earache, I currently find the skin inside them very irritating, and sometimes I get inner ear problems resulting in a vertigo that has afflicted me every morning these past 3 days. I was worried that I wasn't going to make the wedding yesterday, but plenty of meds made it possible and I was even able to dance the whole eve, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Today I've been able to work. An early night now so I can do it again tomorrow.

The one without a title

Time is such a funny phenomenon. It felt like there would be ages to cook and eat the Christmas meal after church before needing to take the kids at 4.30. Yet it disappeared so quickly. The time on my own since has dragged. I've volunteered on the helpline for a couple of hours. Maybe now is the time for a bubble bath.

Bathroom nativity

As a child, one of my favourite pastimes was setting up wedding scenes using an assortment of bottles in my mum's bedroom, perfume for the bride and bridesmaids, maybe some deodorant or talc as the groom. So when yesterday I was sent a Facebook challenge to create a bathroom nativity scene, it really appealed :-)

I didn't spend as long as when I was little (I sometimes did the same with my mum's tin of buttons) but it was good to reconnect with a childhood joy.

I find Christmas often requires a whole lot of imagination. I usually find it tricky cos the kids go away on the day for a week. I'm already getting wound up about it and don't know how to sidestep that. But I'll do my best.

Tick

Lie in - tick
Tiny tiny bit of work (oops) - tick
Consumed almost an entire chocolate orange - tick
Pretty much finished the wrapping - tick
Finished book in the bath - tick
Starting to relaxing TICK!

shepherd's warning

The clouds are tinged with pink this morning and I understand that Storm Barbara is on her way. Today's my last working day before a long weekend and I'm hoping tomorrow I might be able to batten down the hatches and spend some much needed time at home trying to clear up a bit but also have a lie in :) Today's question amongst many is do I buy some emergency wrapping paper? I was horrified to hear a fact in a TV programme recently about just how much wrapping paper is made in just one factory each year - enough to go around the globe 10 times - how on earth can we need that much wrapping paper?? It won't surprise you to be told that I re-use the pieces from the previous year's gifts, but there's always that slight worry of what if I need a piece bigger than I have? I guess in that case my patchwork skills will come to the fore...
But that's tomorrow. Today has a bag pack after work so I'd best get myself ready :)

Greatest gift is me :-)

It's been a long day - the dog was up a lot of the night and on taking to the vets needed to stay in to be sedated. He's home now and hopping along, feeling rather sorry for himself.

I'm not an advert person as you know. At the Carol service I was introduced to this, I think it's great:-)
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bq5SGSCZe4E

begin and never cease

I'm not a pub person, but I enjoyed a time of joy yesterday belting out "whilst shepherds watched their flocks". It's to a special tune that I think was written especially for singing in pubs and it really was good to sing it with such gusto to a packed bar. I really enjoyed that moment particularly, but the entire session was fun.

The whole weekend has been full of intense singing, it's a wonder I have any voice left today. Still two gigs to go before Christmas, I also enjoyed an almost flashmob element to the church nativity yesterday when I donned a tinsel halo and several of us stood as angels. And Saturday night the dancing in the aisles at Preston Minster was also very joyous indeed. Our choir leader often sings as the spirit leads and we had several what I call scooby doo endings, where we think we've finished then start up again. It all sounded good in all 3 different places. I'm lucky to do so much of what I love.

Hope you too are getting plenty of opportunities to do what you love (is that not what life is?)

Christmas over time

I especially enjoyed singing accapella carols tonight. I'm not yet feeling Christmassy, but that took me back to Carol singing from door to door which I loved doing as a teenager and ever since. The harmonies and words are ingrained in my head from old, dragged out from the depths of my brain year after year.
We have a new and lovely nativity scene this year.

Seagull lake

On this morning's dog walk there were so many amassed seagulls it looked like a lake. The light was rubbish so photo probably not worth sharing, use your imagination :-)
I know I've been quiet of late but I'm hoping things are back on the up now.

Texture

my girly 's next photography project involves texture, so whether she was with me or not, I was noticing lovely textures and snapping them. Here are some of my favourites.

Mild

Too mild for a fire but I'm sleepy so might dream anyway. I'm watching a Christmas film, tho I'm fairly sure its the one Christmas film I watched last year.

Will update with photos of the walk tomorrow once we're home.

Whilst we dream by the fire

So tired.  but here safely and now next to the currently unlit fire. Tomorrow it will blaze and I will dream.  maybe even get into a christmassy mood. my girly loves Christmas which I'm pleased about given that I'm often humbug about it.  and some people thought I would ruin it's magic for them by not insisting on the santa myth.
But now sleep after a very long week.

Blur/ oasis

I have been incredibly productive today.  earning overtime even tho we're only on Thursday. I have even tonight written most of my Christmas cards - there's not even two digits to the December days yet,  and I  recent years it's been my boxing day task. so I have been a bit of a blur.  I did manage to slow down a little for the advent labyrinth,  where I particularly enjoyed the effort that had gone into this prayer table.

Custardy feet in my top 3

I know that I have made a similar list before but this is specific to right now,  so here are some things that I am really liking at the moment :
How soft the dog is when I cuddle up to him at night
A new body cream I'm using on my feet that has been in the cupboard ages until I finished the last boring one.  this smells like custard.
Texts and emails from friends and the Internet for playing word games and keeping in touch.

no proof required

In the book I'm reading the father blames himself for the loss of his daughter, rather than those who took her. I can understand this feeling and I think clarity requires a different perspective to the one we have when we're caught up in our own feelings.

I'm struggling with my sense of self worth and the temptation is to seek proof that I'm worth fighting for / sticking with. But a wise part within me knows that's not the answer and a better view is to remember that every single one of us is worthy and that the goal is for no-one to have to fight to prove anything. Proof is temporary, only good in the moment it's presented (like a dbs that in effect is out of date even before the certificate arrives). Even a wedding vow, which I held to be proof of a commitment to hang in, is subject to human frailty. I have notes and cards of appreciation that I keep almost as talismans to remind me that people care and are grateful, but what if I didn't rely on them?

What would the world look like if we didn't have to prove to ourselves or each other that we are enough, we are loved, we are valued. Neither presents or presence required to shore it up. So not just undermining the gift industry, but also challenging the notion that our significance is affirmed by the affection or attention we receive. I'll keep working on that then.

more than a glimmer

Today I've started to feel hopeful again, hurrah!

Tempted to leave it at that really :-)

headless

I need to start planning Sunday school, the last before nativity practising commences. The topic is Salome and the only thing I currently know about her is she called for john the Baptists head on a plate. This does not lend itself well to ideas for Sunday school activities.

I'm beginning to feel a bit better, lots of escapist reading, and minimal work.

soul food

Grateful for the friend who has played an online word game today. I've needed connection but unable to actually talk to anyone.
Plan is to have a read in the bath now the 8 extra teenagers are no longer around. I've not managed well with the restorative activities as today I mainly picked up dog poo from the garden and took my monkey shoe shopping. Neither of these are things I find life affirming.
But the day isn't over yet so the bath is still a possibility.

Diamonds vs frost

I'm out of energy so for the next few days am attempting to only do restorative things with lots of sitting in bed in between. Couldn't even drive to singing last night, but watched some Dave Gorman instead, he makes me laugh whilst also making some great points. The most recent episode includes a helpful expose on diamonds and how we attach worth to them on the mistaken belief that that are rare and beautiful.

When I saw the frost this morning I knew I wanted to go out in it. Photos don't totally do it justice but I'll share anyway.

On becoming a mother

Technically we become a mum at the moment of birth, prior to that we are known as mums-to-be. I'm not fully convinced myself, I think from when we realise we are pregnant, or even when planning to conceive and so changing behaviour for the health of the yet-to-be baby, the responsibility and joy of parenting kicks in.

My 'baby' is almost grown up and wanted to spend time on her birthday with some of the many other significant people in her life. We did have some good time together, but I also had time alone to reflect once more on how her birth day marked a massive change in my life too. I'm so proud of her, and proud of the part I've had to play in helping shape some of who she is.

I managed to have my bath and will continue to seek out time over the next few days to rebuild my capacity. It's pretty low at the moment and so I'm not able to reach out and offer myself in the way I often do. I know the things that help me recharge tho so will endeavour to make those happen.

Gentle warmth

I need more practice at looking after myself. My plans for a relaxing bath before my voluntary shift were downgraded to a shower by the time is done some work and walked the dog. Once I'd then put the washing out etc it was rapidly downgraded further to a cat lick (tho this description makes little sense, cats are very thorough when washing ).I finally got round to lunch at 3.30pm.one day this week I got home I realised I had not made time to goto the loo All day.
It was lovely to see the field this morning tho, dappled with frost where the sun had yet to reach. I was reminded of the fable where the sun and wind debate which is stronger, and the wind claims it is so strong it will remove the coat from a man's back. And so the wind blows and the man draws his coat more tightly around him. Then the sun has a turn and gently shines on the man, who in time sheds the coat.

I need some gentle warmth.

My girly is celebrating this part of her birthday with her friends, I will get to hang out with her again this evening. So in the interim maybe I can get that overdue bath.

Blogger is not working well for me today,hope it will tomorrow.

I, Daniel Blake

It's an important film, I'm glad I went and also glad that there were various folk in the audience of different ages. I know I cry at pretty much every film but often I try and rein that in a bit when at a cinema, but I was so moved I nearly grabbed the hand of the stranger next to me in solidarity cos he was visibly moved too. I didn't, but did chat briefly to him after. I think some solidarity was what I was after, and I found it so I feel a bit less misunderstood. Hopefully this will mean I'm less like a bull in a China shop. I'm still angry tho, and fine about that anger cos things are not ok for a lot of people and tho I need to still figure my part in the change, for now vocalising my anger is a first step.
Whilst time is needed for me to work out my velvet revolution, I'm also just a bit busy with other things. Another early start for work to do a hospital shift before my community job, then I'm leading choir before an evening conference call. I know I need to fit in some tlc so that my rage doesn't keep spilling out inappropriately. But when exactly?

How long can few folk mind?

I was v busy yesterday. Partly it was responding to a status I borrowed from someone else, in which I said that anyone in need of an affirming comment could like my status and I'd say something about them I really liked. I wasn't sure of the likely uptake and indeed one person inadvertently liked it then said she wasn't fishing for compliments. Asking for nice things to be said about us is something lots of people find tricky. Yet if we all deliberately focussed on what we liked about each other, I think the world would be quite different.
You perhaps know that one of my favourite hymns is called inspired by love and anger.  this was my attempt at being inspired by and acting out of,  love.  it's an attempt to balance my anger,  tho I'm aware that there is a time for anger and I don't have to balance it on any one day.  there are plenty of days when I'm not attuned to my anger at all the injustice so it's fine that right now I'm very ragey. I'm not only angry with just how unjust the world feels right now.  I'm angered by people's attempts to justify injustice.  those who say they are not racist or sexist. in supporting  Trump  , but because he is and they chose him,  are condoning it. those who argue that the royal family bring in money.  I do not care how much money they bring in,  their privilege and shameful disregard of the current struggles people are facing disgusts me. the research I have read clearly shows that the greater the disparity between rich and poor,  the unhappier and unhealthier a nation is. I wonder how they can sleep at night knowing how unfair it is,  then of course have to ask how I sleep at night as it's all comparative,  and I should not rest easily knowing I have more sleeping bags than I have occupants when there are those who have none.
So what to do?  I need to keep on feeling and voicing  this anger until I can get to a place of clarity as to how I stand up and say the world has got to change, I will no longer tolerate the way it is.

Battleships

It turns out I've been playing battleships wrong all my life. I thought they could be any shape. As a pacifist I was playing in a logic puzzle way rather than relate it to destroying actual vessels and so never really thought that ships are usually rectangular. and so the game was abandoned when we discovered my son and I were playing according to different rules, which is a shame cos playing anything together is fab .
A loud sing did my spirits good,  and my hope is returning.  I'd like to thank those of you who got in touch last week when you read that I was struggling.  I'm particularly grateful for my best friend who regularly checks on how I'm doing.  it makes a big difference when we are reminded how much we matter and how things will eventually be ok.  I can't be the only one that forgets that when the going gets tough and I'm very glad of those I lean on. love you all xx

one rule for the rich, another for the rest of us

I don't understand why my newsfeed isn't filled with outrage. 2 of my fb friends have passed comment but everyone else is maybe still in bed, like me, or perhaps others don't feel the incredulity I do?
I know every media story can be presented in a particular way to suit an agenda. I appreciate I don't fully understand the ramifications etc etc. But I simply can't get away from an indignation that 374million pounds of taxpayer money could be spent on repairs to Buckingham palace at a time when there's no money to fund the nhs or anything. My local library and children's centre are about to close. Bedroom tax??? How many bedrooms does this two person royal family have?? Again, I realise that the palace is a tourist attraction bringing loads of people to Britain. But how can that be right, they get to see a completely false representation of the country as they see opulence whilst the reality is the rest of us are struggling. According to the guardian a 66% pay rise so the boilers, pipes etc can be fixed. I am likely to need a new boiler soon so have been saving up. I've not had any pay rise whatsoever since I started my job 7 years ago.
Incredulous I am.

hotel at home

I am taking three hours off this morning and had initially planned a long dog walk. That's not happening now, tho I may still take him out shortly, and not just to the field where I get bored!
I wanted to mark the difference from every other morning and so was delighted to spot a tin of grapefruit and hit upon the hotel-at-home plan. I love hotel breakfasts :-) All the options! We don't have stuff in for me to rustle up a full English, but I have had a glass bowl with grapefruit segments, and a pretty little glass of juice. I turned the chair away from the table and ate watching the trees through the window. Its hard to do hotel at home cos my attention is quickly drawn to the work needed in the garden, the fact that the table is so cluttered I couldn't eat there anyway etc etc. But it was great to look at the tall trees. I should do this more often. I realise most of my meals are not eaten in the way I'd like. Breakfast is sat at my computer, working. Lunch is sat over my notes in Blackpool, working. Tea is a family affair, but simultaneously watching the Simpson's, I'm outvoted on eating tea round the table.
All of this could be changed tho and I'm the one with the power to change it :-)

I went on my walk despite conditions not being what many would consider ideal. If we all waited for ideal we'd never get anything done! And who determines what is ideal anyway? Of course there are drawbacks when things aren't perfect. The dog didn't behave as well as if he'd been delighted about being out. And some of the puddles in the field were much deeper than I expected. A couple of times I got a bit stuck but I worked my way out.
It reminded me a lot of relationships really.

not a write off

This morning I was encouraged to reframe the year, to look at what I have made happen in 2016 that I am proud of, what good aspects of the year I want to celebrate. This is great cos it's so tempting to fall prey to the powerlessness that is prevelant at the moment, to 'blame' 2016.
It took a bit of effort but I found my 5 things :)

Also this week I responded to the ace question "How will you do the work of love today?"
I'm aware tho that what I mostly need right now is more self care and places to receive care, so of course that love can be directed inwards :) And interestingly I wanted to adapt the question to change the word 'work' to 'play', cos I'm feeling a bit overworked and so rather than add to my work, I want to up the play :) Substituting the word play tho doesn't quite cut it cos it then sounds a bit like pretense to me, but hopefully you know what I'm aiming at, the lightness rather than burden.

And so, how will I do the play of love today? Seriously what comes to mind is that I'm going to play hide and seek with myself, so I guess I'll run with that image. My joyous self has been a bit hidden of late, so I'll see if I can tempt her out with a game :)

Both these questions have been helpful to me today, so if they are any use to you, do consider for yourself what you made happen this year that you're proud of, and how you will do the work of love :)

not even a crescent

I didn't see the whole of it, not even a glimpse of last night's supermoon (the largest in 70 years). It was too cloudy to see it. This sums things up pretty well for me - I'm too gloomy to see much of wonder right now. I'm all out of tether and looking round for someone with a bit to spare. I was very grateful for a friend noticing and getting in touch to offer help. Friends are ace.

I was fascinated to hear an expert on the radio yesterday who said that the times the supermoon will seem biggest is when it is rising or when it is setting (couldn't be bothered to get up for that). The reasons it appears bigger at those times are not actually to do with astronomy, but psychology. When we have something to compare it to, (ie things on the skyline) it seems bigger than when it is alone in the sky. Interesting. Our minds are powerful entities.

remembering/ forgetting

I liked the morning's service. The minister radiated love. He spoke of how whilst we need to remember, how good it must be to be a goldfish, constantly amazed as everything appears new when you only have a 2 second memory. He said how when God forgives, what needed forgiving is no longer remembered. I think that's hard for us mere mortals, that forgetting hurts isn't something we readily do. I suspect lots of us are muddling along trying to forgive but not fully leaving it behind. Loving imperfectly.

I have a cold sore and a cold and think I'm probably pretty run down. I will talk to my boss today as to how I might be able to take the holiday I was unable to during half term. I have a long day of work at the hospital today and so am in my work scarf, but as soon as i get home I'll swap it for my new one. I will try and remember tho whichever scarf I'm wearing I'm still wrapped in love.

...
Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air...
I hope I've got the love I need to see me through.

infinity scarf

I only had half the allocated portion of Perry,but definitely don't feel great as a result. I did get the jigsaw finished amidst the many other activities of the day, Hurrah! My friend came for curry, laden with gifts including an infinity scarf she had crocheted for me. It's lovely and I can feel the love she has crocheted into it, so I'm now wrapped in her love. How brilliant is that? Even if you don't have such a scarf, I hope you nonetheless can feel that you are wrapped in love :-)

Broken hallelujah

I was really pleased that we sang hallelujah at choir,  to mark Leonard Cohen 's death. one of the impressive things about our choir organisers is how they pull out appropriate songs at short notice.
My baby is heading to the big smoke on a weekend adventure with a friend and I'm a bit terrified. And proud. But mainly fearful, especially following the recent tram crash. We don't usually watch news whilst eating tea, but yesterday we did and I could barely swallow. I get too sad watching the news, that's exactly why we usually watch something more palatable.
It's been a really rubbish week and my shoulders are up around my ears with stress and sadness. the plan to address this involves community,  drumming,  friends over for a curry later and singing tomorrow. I hope you too have much loveliness on the agenda.

Keep on moving forwards

Like lots of people, I think 2016 has been an awful year for many reasons. It's tempting to wish the rest of it away but there's still lots left - I wonder if it can be redeemed?
I couldn't sleep well last night, I had too much sugar without even noticing - today I will be more observant cos too much of a lovely thing isn't actually good for me. Twice this week now I've dreamed about having long hair - last night I was cutting it in a shredder... Let's not psychoanalyse that!

undefended

Think of someone who loves you when they are in a loving/soppy mood, you know they are all soft and smiley and indulgent. Now picture the same person when they are feeling got at, and so their walls are up, they are brittle and maybe attacking and you can wonder if they still indeed love you at all.
Sometimes it's hard not to be like the latter, tho I believe (like Liz Gilbert yesterday) that we constantly get to make choices as to how we want to be, how we choose to react.
The bit I heard of Trump's speech yesterday was not one of attack. Maybe having won he - for now - doesn't have to justify himself so didn't have to be so defended. When we put our energy into defending ourselves we have much less energy to put out as love.

So what if we didn't concern ourselves with what others thought of us, so didn't need to put any effort into self protection, wall building, justification? We could instead spend all our time noticing the love, sending out the love, and simply enjoying being who we are not who others think we should be. Sounds good to me :)

we are the world

There is a lot of (justified) despair and disbelief on the internet this morning. People are understandably scared about what it means to have in such a position of power someone who is so openly hateful.
Today I will be mainly encouraging people to be in touch with all they feel so that we can then pick ourselves up and stand against it.
There is lots of humour, and humour in the face of adversity is good.
I like a post from George Takei about how no-one can take away our vision of the society we wish to live in.

Hold on to your vision people. xx

And this is put more eloquently, and much longer by Liz Gilbert , will post it in full here:
Dear Ones:

Good morning.

As Beyonce once sang, "We woke up in the kitchen, saying 'How the hell did this shit happen?'"

Oh baby.

I did not want this outcome. I did not expect this outcome. I did not in any universe imagine that this outcome ever could have occurred — and the fact that I did not imagine it as possible means that clearly I have been out of touch with the hearts and minds of millions of my fellow Americans. I cannot say that I understand them. I certainly don't agree with them. And yet this is the world we wake up to today.

OK.

Every single day, you must face whatever world you have woken up to — whatever that may be. That's the only world you get. You must start there.

Let me tell you what happened in our home last night.

I settled in with Rayya, to watch the returns — relaxed and certain that we were about to watch a historic and joyful moment: The election of the first woman to the presidency of the United States of America. Then it all started to slide. Then came the stress. Then came the growing anxiety. Then the panic started. Then: FLORIDA. (Always Florida. What are we gonna do with you, Florida?) Everyone I follow on Twitter was suddenly hysterical. Text messages of horror started flying around across the world. (Never have I seen so many "WTF's" fly across the screen of my phone.) The global financial markets began to collapse. Foreign leaders started losing their cool.

Around 11pm, I found myself in this state: Huddled on the couch in the fetal position, clutching a pillow, eyes wide, speechless, paralyzed with fear.

That's never good, right?

I've been there before, and that is NEVER good.

At that moment, I closed my eyes and asked myself to observe what was going on my physical body — my animal body. What I felt was a sickened stomach, shaking hands, a clenched chest, shallow breathing, a wild and uncontrolled mind, and an elevated heart rate. This is exactly what happens to an animal when it is being hunted.

At that moment, I asked myself, "Is this a helpful response, Liz?"

Nope.

If I believe that I am here to serve the world (and I DO believe that I am here to serve the world), then how does it help anyone if I am feeling and acting like a hunted animal? Answer: It doesn't help. Feeling hunted and trapped doesn't serve me, and it doesn't serve anyone.

This is when Rayya and I made a decision to turn off every single electrical device in the house and GET REAL. We stepped away from the television, from the social media, from the phones. Because we knew that RIGHT NOW, we needed to find calm. These are the moments when it's time to find out who you really are — and who you can really be.

We lit a candle, sat with each other in quiet prayer for a while, and then we each asked aloud the big question: "Who do I want to be in this situation?"

This is a question that we ask in our house a lot these days. This is a question Rayya has taught me over the years to always ask myself, when shit goes down, or when the world goes crazy, or when the panic starts to rise: "Who do I want to be in this situation?"

This is the question that Rayya and I asked of ourselves six months ago, when the doctors found signs of tumors on Rayya's pancreas and liver, and it didn't look good. I remember the day she went in for her CT scan, to confirm just how bad the situation really was. We woke up that day in a panic. We were both experiencing the standard human response to scary situations. We were undone. We both felt like: "We are terrified and anxious, and we will be terrified and anxious until we find out the results of this CT scan. We will not be at peace until we know what's going on. And if the results are horrible, we will totally fall apart."

But then we stopped, checked ourselves, and we asked, "REALLY?"

Was that true? Was it true that we could not be at peace RIGHT NOW — even if we didn't know the outcome, or even if the outcome promised to be horrible?

So we got really quiet that day, and we each asked: "Who do I want to be in this situation?"

The answers came, same as ever:

Calm.

Strong.

Open-hearted.

Curious.

Generous.

Wise.

Brave.

Humorous.

Patient.

Once we answered that question, we found our peace. Because THAT PART was up to us — who we would decide to be, regardless the outcome. And once we found our center again, we were able to walk into that hospital with relaxed breathing, clear eyes, steady hands, and resolute hearts. We were able to find peace BEFORE we even knew the results. And a few days later, the results came: CANCER. Not just any cancer, but terminal cancer! But by that time, we were were at peace. We were ready, because we knew who we were. And once again, facing this difficult situation, the only question on the table became, "Who do I want to be in this situation?"

That is the only question that EVER really matters.

I insist that we can learn — with practice — how to choose our emotional state in all situations. This has to be true. If this isn't true, then we are TRULY AND THOROUGHLY FUCKED — because our state of being is literally the only thing in this world that we can control.

This is not denial. This is not complacency. This not me cheerfully saying, "Oh well! I'm sure everything will be fine!" Sometimes things are not fine. Sometimes the diagnosis is terminal cancer. Sometimes the dark forces win. Sometimes the outcome is dreadful.

But all our practices in peace and grace and equanimity and courage are for TIMES LIKE THESE — for times when you do not get the outcome that you want. This is when it matters. When the shit goes down, and the shit goes wrong, and when the shit gets real — that's when the shit gets interesting. That's when the test comes: Who will you be now? Right now. Right this moment. Because that's the only part that is up to you.

So last night, Rayya and I decided to go to sleep without waiting up to find out who won the presidency. We decided to keep the phones off, and the TV off. We decided to step away from the burning vehicle of global panic. We decided that — when the world is trampling itself in a stampede of fear and anger — we will not join the stampede. In the same way that we decided six months ago to find peace in our hearts BEFORE we got the biopsy results, we decided last night to find peace in our hearts BEFORE we got the election results.

We prayed and mediated and coached each other through until our hearts and minds and bodies were at peace. Then we woke up to THIS world, and the same question as ever: "Who do I want to be in this situation?"

Calm.

Strong.

Open-hearted.

Curious.

Generous.

Wise.

Brave.

Humorous.

Patient.

Decide who you will be today, Dear Ones. RIght now. DECIDE. You can do this. This is what all your training and practice has led you to. Show the people around you what a calm and peaceful strong mind looks like. (Trust me, they need it. They already know what a panicked mind looks like; show them what a calm mind looks like.) Ask yourself again and again who you want to be, and believe that you can be it.

Nobody gets to take your emotional state away from you, unless you give it to them.

This is how you lead. This is who you are. This is how you BE.

Here we go.

ONWARD,
LG

hope when all hope is gone

I'm dreading finding out the results of the American election. It will be disasterous if Donald Trump wins, and I'm not sure how I will manage to lift myself out of the inevitable hopelessness if it happens. Even if he doesn't win I'm still despairing that so many people would vote for someone filled with so much hate and so little respect. What have we come to?

I'm going to go to bed before the coverage even starts and hopefully it will all be over when I wake.  as if to match the mood of many of my friends,  the weather outside is frightful.  I'm very glad I don't have to venture out first thing tomorrow.  some days the juggling of my three jobs pays off.

If you are off out in the first of the wintery weather,  I hope it's not too bad. Let's hope the morning is better than feared and that love trumps hate...

can you feel the love tonight?

I struggled for much of the weekend and so wisely chose to do a jigsaw on Sunday afternoon. Last week I checked out all the local charity shops for stocking presents and as well as a find for each of my kids I saw a jigsaw for a pound, which turned out to be a great treat when feeling miserable. I'm not sure why it appeals so much, I have just checked and I mention doing jigsaws quite a lot in my blog. Is it because unlike life generally in a jigsaw I can find where something fits, it's predictable and manageable and the end is in sight. So when life doesn't feel like that, it's nice to immerse myself in producing something that feels more possible. That and I just love colours and you have to look intently at the shading to match pieces.
I also got to watch the lion king which I've never done before, despite my love of kids films. And before you think it was a lazy day, I'm pleased to report I finally got round to doing the final mow of the year, which as I've left it so late had to be preceded by raking. I like raking tho, a fab activity to delay the need for putting the heating on as its very warming. I've left the rake out in the hope I will do more this week. Tho I'm not actually at home in the light much this week, which us problematic not least cos we need the table next Saturday so when exactly am I going to complete the jigsaw??

every life is sacred (pigs and mice too)

I could hear the pigs' distressed squeals some distance away. I can still clearly recall it now, from several days ago. It spoiled the walk for me, feeling helpless when confronted by the suffering, and met with the attitude that being led to slaughter was the only reason they existed in the first place. My response was what makes us think we as humans are so special? What justifies our arrogance that a human life is sacred but that of an animal is not?

Sometimes I feel isolated and misunderstood. I imagine lots of us feel that way at times. I was cheered therefore to see this clip.

http://www.aol.co.uk/video/a-plea-for-the-animals-5807d88c76a6050bae2f2890/

I think we all need to keep looking for healthy ways to reduce our sense of isolation. Mine today will involve going to church and hopefully catching up with a friend. I've felt down for much of the weekend, and didn't like that feeling in the middle of the night on waking when I suddenly remembered just how many people are cross with me at the moment. Probably a day for reminding myself that all will be well.

whizz bangs

Bonfire night falling on a Saturday is ideal but no longer relevant now I have a scaredy dog as I won't be going anywhere. We've had lots of fresh air today tho so will enjoy curling up in front of the fire, I'm hoping to finish my book. We're going to dip baguette into camembert which will be lovely.  I did some energetic gardening so that I can have a winter pudding too.
Maybe I'll have a sneaky look out of an upstairs window later to enjoy some colours, meanwhile the natural colours today were lovely.

my body is a temple

My body is the only one I will ever get and I could do a lot more to look after it better. Today i have a day off so I'm cramming as much self care in as possible and making a note to try and do more every day rather than once in a blue moon.
I was pleased to get a slot for today for the final massage in the series I booked. There was lots of tension in my shoulders and calves. And a walk amongst the trees before they lose the last of their leaves was a smart move too.

Autumn/winter

November has taken me by surprise - how on earth can it be November? The month before Christmas. The frost this morning was beautiful but again seemed really unexpected. I'm still at the end of summer. I need to catch up. Maybe a day off tomorrow will help.

toilet roll code red!

We are all different in what motivates us. My boyfriend needs the stimulus of a rapidly approaching limit to get moving, whereas I find I don't work so well with an impending deadline, the panic clouds my thinking.

He currently gets a student discount on groceries (something I'm disproportionately joyous about) so at the moment is the main hunter gatherer in terms of shopping. With just a few sheets left on the last toilet roll, he says he is more likely to get it today now it's code red.

I'm much more like my dad, prone to stock piling in case of being snowed in. Whilst there is every likelihood that my dad will be snowed in this winter, I have to remind myself that it is extremely unlikely here. I much prefer full cupboards tho, that reassurance that even if I was ill, my kids could just rustle something up. Which is silly cos my kids could just as easily nip to the shop and then make something.

To be fair the reason my boyfriend didn't get it yesterday was the essay he is writing that's due in. I'd be struggling to write it with such an immediate time limit and would have finished it last week, but that's not how he, or many others, work. 

I'm reminded of the biblical instruction to not store up things. And I'm aware anything I gather could be lost in a fire. Living day to day suits some people. But I still would rather have a good supply of tins in. Just in case.

fake horrors

I'm not sure what the equivalent to "bah humbug" is for Halloween. This year has seemed to have had an entire month of celebrating it rather than the day I recall of my own childhood. I don't object to it on theological grounds, tho I've never been comfortable with the implicit threat of trick or treating. My way of dealing with it all is to have a tub of sweets and chocs by the door all year round and offering any callers a lolly etc. A spirit of welcome and generosity throughout the year, including tonight when yes I will hand out goodies to anyone who calls.
I also don't object to people coming together to party, facebook has been awash with such gatherings, and its great to have events that bring people together. I think my objection is to the commercial profit making out of so much plastic tat that gets used for a few days then often ends up in landfill. Unable to enter into the spirit of it, I feel uneasy to see fake limbs and gravestones used as decorations, when elsewhere in my news feed I see actual blood and gore that it feels aren't being given the same attention. I know we need to have fun, I don't want to be a killjoy. I can't help feel tho that maybe we're being seduced into a fake horror as a way of distracting us from the real horrors.

I wasn't the only one to have environmental concerns:
http://www.edie.net/news/5/Halloween--The-living-nightmare-for-the-waste-management-industry/?utm_source=dailynewsletter%2C+edie+daily+newsletter&utm_medium=email%2C+email&utm_content=news&utm_campaign=dailynewsletter%2C+610136fbe4-dailynewsletter#.WBiQiq-sxIE.facebook

adult baptism

I don't think I've been to an adult baptism before. I have all kinds of feelings about attending my daughter's today. I've wasted my extra hour of the day in fretting about it. As it's half term lots of people are away who otherwise would have been there to support her. I wish I'd invited people to come. She's just finished icing about 60 cupcakes for after the service, but what if there's only about 10 people there? I can't eat 6 cakes now I'm watching my sugar.

There were too many cupcakes, but it was as she wanted it to be (no fuss) so it was ok. Interestingly, whilst I'm proud and delighted in her, I'm currently equally proud of my boy who is on chapter 43 of the Da Vinci code. I'm not feeling too shabby on the parenting front right now.

obscured

I tried to focus on how lovely the fog was but mainly I regretted not being able to see the colours at the side of the motorway. By the time we had got to dufton tho it had cleared and so we saw lots of lovely leaves whilst walking the ghyll.
Looking after my nephews was full on. I realise how much I like teenage parenting.

pitch imperfect (but good enough)

It's funny how at 4.30 am time ticked away very slowly, but once my alarm went off those minutes in between hitting the snooze button passed in the blink of an eye. Today might need to be a gentle one.

I don't know what led me to volunteer to lead warm up at choir last night when our musical director was held up in traffic. Some confidence welled up from somewhere that nearly rapidly disappeared whilst actually engaged in the task. I think I thought it's only going to be a few minutes, far better we sit here warming up than sit here chatting. I grabbed the person next to me to accompany me rather than do it on my own, a great move. And of course I got everyone massaging each other's shoulders as part of it, might as well take advantage of the situation. I hadn't fully comprehended the enormity of the traffic as it was actually half way through our 2 hour rehearsal before the lovely man arrived. In the meantime we had a go at a fair few songs but it turns out there's lots more than just standing up front. I am not so great on finding the right pitch so that seemed to take a bit of effort/organising, but we did ok. Someone said after that enthusiasm can go a long way, and I have to say that's pretty much my experience of anything.

I was also aware of just how much garlic I was breathing over the 50 singers. The homemade garlic bread we had for tea was delicious but contained surely an entire veg portion's worth of the stuff. I'm off to clean my teeth again.

a spoonful

There was a scary news bulletin yesterday about the rise of diabetes. I'm aware I eat too much sugar so did well today to cut down. Its hard tho and I find it tricky to make the call. Is it worth living a life of denying myself what i most enjoy if I then end up being run over by a bus or we all get wiped out by some nuclear war? Conversely, if I don't act now will I be rueing on my untimely deathbed not getting longer with my grandchildren? I guess the trick would be to try and alter what I want so that I don't feel like in denying myself.

it's not all about making money

I love my local hardware shop for may reasons. Because I can walk to it. Because they will sell me a single teensy item like a screw or hook from a mini drawer full of them rather than insist I purchase a plastic wrapped packet leaving many unused. But mainly I love the kind people there.

We still haven't deterred our nighttime mouse visitor and so went to look for another solution. Principled-me has strong feelings about what methods are not ok and we're running short on ok ones. And so I started to cry in the shop with sadness and frustration at how to move forwards. The lovely lady in the shop suggested we could always get a cat. What a top idea! This would be lovely (and yet impractical) on so many levels and I was delighted that she would suggest something that didn't involve her making any profit whatsoever.

We plumped for a humane trap whereby we catch it alive and then take it miles away (which still might mean separation from it's family which I'm distraught about). However, so far the mouse is presumably delighted that we are now giving it extra to eat, whilst it evades being caught...

sipping vs gulping

Something unusual happened last Wednesday evening. I drank a hot cup of tea. I was sat with my book group chums and drank the tea pretty much all in one sitting rather than put it down. It was such a novelty that I really noticed how that hot tea felt on my throat, and I enjoyed it am going to try and do this more often. I think the truth is I'm a sipper of drinks. I'm a cheap date cos going out for a drink, or staying at home with something alcoholic or not, that one drink lasts me the entire night. I just don't guzzle, unless I accidentally get really thirsty when I might then down half a glass of water all at once. My revelation is tho that I'm not actually a fan of tepid tea. So sipping from time to time doesn't really work for me despite me doing that every day of my life. My plan is to get more aware and only plump for a brew if i will drink it there and then. If I'm just going to sip I'd be better off with a glass of water.
Is there anything you do automatically that on reflection doesn't work well for you?

Getting to know you, getting to know all about you

I've had such a good day!
Lots of opportunities to get to know people a bit better. Whether that be my besties through long catch up phone conversations or deep theological discussions. Or strangers I will never talk to again in a volunteering session. New people who may or may not stick around, and family who have been with me since the beginning. Singing and cake. Does it get any better than that?
:-)

worry vs concern

It's been a long week. Rather than paraphrase, I'm simply copying below some interesting words from Elizabeth Gilbert. I worry about lots of people dear to me - it would be better if I showed my concern :-)

Dear Ones -

I want to offer you something today, which I hope might make you feel a little better, if you happen to be worrying about anything. (And who isn't?) 

It's about the difference between the word "worry", and the word "concern". 

The word "worry" comes to us from the Old English verb "wyrgan", which means "to strangle". The word "worry", therefore, shares a similar root to the word "wring". Both words mean to seize something by the throat, and choke the living breath out of it. 

How's that working for you? 

You already know that this is what worry feels like, right? Like choking? Like the life is being wrung out of you? 

But here's the thing I've been thinking about lately: I believe that when we worry about other people, we also choke the life out of THEM.  Have you ever had somebody say to you, "I love you, and that's why I'm really worried about you"? And did you ever feel smothered by their worry, and you couldn't figure out why? I mean, it should feel warm and nice to have somebody care about you, right? So why, when people say that they are worried about you, do you want to change your name and run for the hills? 

It's because you're trying not to suffocate. It's because worry is not the same experience as love. Love breathes life into everything it touches; worry, on the other hand, just goes around wringing everyone's necks. 

For that reason, I'm trying not to learn how to NOT WORRY so much about people anymore — or even about situations, or even about myself. This is not easy for me. I'm a natural-born worrier. I'm a highly anxious neck-wringer from way back. But I don't want to cut off the air supply anymore — not to myself, not to anyone, not to anything.

Here's the trick, though: I also don't want to become indifferent. In fact, I'm INCAPABLE of being indifferent; I care too much about everything. So, what is a healthier emotion to foster in myself, than worry?

This is where CONCERN comes in. 

Concern is a beautiful word. It has nothing to do with anybody getting strangled. The word "concern" comes to us from from the Middle French verb "concerner", which means "to touch, or "to belong to," and THAT word, in turn, came to us, from Late Latin verb "concernere", which means "to sift" or "to perceive". 

Do you see how much more lightness and grace there is in concern, than in worry? When you're concerned about somebody, it's because you feel that they belong to you, and you want to reach out and touch them, and (most importantly) you are ready to SIFT through the situation carefully. Through the act of sifting, you will be able to find healthy and essential truths about how much control you have over this person, or whether your involvement in their life is actually helping, or what about their situation can be changed or not changed. (See how the word "concern" is related to the word "discern", which is another kind of careful sifting?)

To sift requires patience, wisdom, and a light touch. 

Sifting takes more work than strangling, but I believe it's worth the careful effort. 

And sifting is also how you tell the difference between yourself and someone else — rather than tying a rope around both of your throats and steadily choking each other to death.

So...this is what I've been asking myself lately, whenever I get upset about myself, about another person, or about a situation in the world: Am I choked with worry? Or am I ready to take a deep breath and become, instead, concerned? Am I going in for the stranglehold, or am I ready to touch the situation lightly, and sift through it all carefully? 

All I want, in the end, is to care about everyone and everything I love, while still being able to breathe. 

ONWARD,
LG

part timer

I'm struggling not to be hard on myself at the moment. I'm working the most paid hours I have ever done  but am still not up to full time hours- I have always worked alongside other things such as studying or parenting. And I get pulled to compare and find myself lacking for not managing to Do Everything Simultaneously.
My girly needed me to bring something to school the other day and I took it even tho I was juggling other work tasks. Mostly I'm really clear that parenting is my main job, the thing I want to do best of all. My other relationships matter too. My friend kindly helped me notice today that I'm a people person not a house person and so it's fine that I don't pay my house so much attention:-)
We all get to live our own lives according to our own priorities, and nobody else's priorities are better than anyone else's :-)

Fewer meetings, more eatings

Both meetings I've been at today were long. I feel like I've spent more of the day in a meeting than out of one. Both were productive and I'm glad i attended, but they felt epic. Someone once said the church should have fewer meetings and more eatings and I'm inclined to suggest that is a sound principle for all areas of life,  not just the church. To meet to discuss over a shared meal,  rather than hurriedly scoffing in our separate houses before or after.
Tomorrow I'm hosting a meeting. My girly will be making us cupcakes :-)

seeing wood for trees

There's a section of road I occasionally use that frequently struggles with flooding. Presumably to counter this, a whole swathe of trees have been chopped down, perhaps to enable access to dredge the adjacent stream. I'm really surprised by the new vista opened now I can see it, formerly obscured by the trees. I like trees tho and miss them. But the views are lovely too. And those trees are not coming back.
So I guess whatever we have, whether it's trees or views, we can appreciate it.

plan

So, we just need to club together to raise 1.95 million, and them we can get ourselves this island. How awesome would that be?????

http://www.homesandproperty.co.uk/luxury/selfsufficient-scottish-island-for-sale-completely-off-the-grid-tanera-mor-comes-with-24hour-a105361.html#commentsDiv

hare today

I'm not sure why I was so taken with a modern day testing of the hare and the tortoise, but I really was. A little clip showing a real life tortoise moving towards the finish line, and a capricious bunny rabbit. Slow and steady wins the race, the fluffier animal was cute but not at all focussed. I think it appeals because I tend to be tenacious and keep moving forward, my boyfriend would say it's cos I was born in the year of the ox.
This afternoon we're off to see my friend's art exhibition on the hare. Hopefully pics to follow. In the meantime her pics are on the menu on this page
http://www.thecartfordinn.co.uk/eat/
These were my favourites

worth crossing oceans for

"Don't cross oceans for people who wouldn't cross a puddle for you.

No, do it. Do cross oceans for people. Love people, all people. No conditions attached, no wondering whether or not they're worthy. Cross oceans, climb mountains. Life and love isn't about what you gain, it's about what you give."

I really liked this when I saw it earlier this week, tho I hope I don't offend anyone who might have shared the original quote about not crossing oceans/puddles. It fits really well with the book group book I've just finished, A man called Ove by Fredrik Bachman. I think to say anything about the book would potentially spoil it, so I will just urge you to read it if you can.

What next?

I don't have much time for news, but I gather I'm not the only one to link recent orders from the government to similarly scary actions at the start of WW2. I'm horrified that schools and employers are having to list those who are "not British". What comes next?

And I won't bow down to fear. The trees are still beautiful as are my friends.

excruciating

I think it's probably not just me who feels this way about themselves. But sometimes I find being me excruciating.
Last night when I was supposed to be going to sleep my brain continually fed me an unending flow of all the ways I am failing. It was really really hard to try and interrupt it. In the end I managed to quieten it by using the technique of asking what I would say to me if I was a friend who came saying this is all I could hear. Sometimes it's not easy being a friend to yourself. Today I'm going to try tho. I'm taking myself singing tonight cos I know that's good for my soul. And I will keep trying to focus on where I can see I'm doing well instead of being pulled back to where I can see I'm not.

I got chills, they're multiplying

I think the reason I'm so tired is I'm fighting off the start of a cold. It's another busy week so am going to read my book under a blanket this evening whilst I can.

Lots of good info out there this week around mental health. What are you doing to look after yours?

not what it says on the box

I'm clearly not thinking straight despite 11 hours sleep. Counting has not gone well today.
I have some kids 100 piece jigsaws that have been grown out of but didn't want to give them away incomplete. A quick count of the first box revealed 104 pieces ( second more careful count did too) so I completed it so I could remove the spares, but all 104 pieces were used. I'm tempted to write "approx" on the box.
Another 100 piece needed all its 108, and the third I didn't even count but just did it anyway. The great news is 2 pieces were missing but I had them stashed from a previous tidy. So I can give them away safe in the knowledge that they are whole.

seeing the world as we are not how it is

Brilliant day, the charity I work and volunteer for put on some cracking speakers for the annual conference and AGM. Lots on the significance of language, how we don't always reflect on the culture we are in, on laughter and reason and so much more.
We often imagine we laugh most at jokes and humour, but actually we laugh most in conversation, especially with those we know well and love. So laughter, hugs and cakes a plenty. I just still need to pace myself better as now I just want to sleep.

a wimbaway

Enjoyed the singing tonight, I do love a rolling bass line :-)
I have to be up early tomorrow and I've stopped making sense.

Sunday will hopefully be a day of rest (can't think that far ahead, hope there's not much in the diary for that day...)

dismay

Intense working day, another scheduled tomorrow and then a full day at my work agm on Sat too. So it was good to gather a stash of conkers :-) one of my friends told the children she works with how they are the first to see the Conker when they break it from its outer covering. That's pretty awesome when you think about it, so I broke this one open to marvel at it.

I need to keep reminding myself of the beauty to counter my dismay that the local decision to not allow fracking has been overturned by central government.

because I'm happy

It's bring a conker to work week.*
The conker I took was lovely, although no-one really understood what I meant about it having a new conker smell. Maybe that's just me. I don't really care, I was in a happy place with my conker. I'd been asked the brilliant question as to if I was happy and that helped me focus on how happy I am. It's often much easier to focus on what is challenging/not as I'd like. Fundamentally I am deeply happy and there is much to find happiness in.
I had already spent quite a few moments stroking my hand with my daughter's blusher brush. It is so soft! And feels much softer on my hand than on my cheek I notice - I would be surprised if my hand skin is thinner/more sensitive than my cheek skin, but it looks like that is the case.
Happiness is something I value highly, but we are not all the same and it might not be the bees knees for you. Nonetheless I still wish you happiness today. What makes you happy? How can you have more of that in your life??

* I just instigated this week. No-one else knows about it yet, it may take a while to catch on so you may be the only one if you take one into your work place.

short cut around a big zoo?

Next time I will park at the hospital rather than try and save myself the three quid or whatever it would have cost. I ended up miles away and thought I'd try and cut through to where I wanted to be. I forgot that the zoo might be rather large, and a golf course isn't small either. At least the weather was lovely.

crossroads

I found the Shack brilliant, so am very pleased to be reading Crossroads by the same author. I'm nearly a third of the way through and so far so good. I thought I'd do more reading this weekend, but it's not really been a weekend where anything has gone to plan. Hopefully there will be reading time in the longer, colder evenings of this coming week.

The next chapter begins with an ace quote from C S Lewis
"What one regards as interruptions are precisely one's life"

heat resistant

We're in October now and it is feeling chillier but so far i've resisted putting the heating on. I'm using one of my preferred avoidance strategies of lighting many candles. Pretty.

Today's been a day full of changing plans, every hour has had a different conclusion proffered, but it looks like we're ending the day with my dad still staying and he doesn't feel the cold so still no excuse for turning on those radiators!

puddles in heaven

My boyfriend was driving, and was excited by a big puddle so sped up to create maximum effect. We're very different. I avoid puddles wherever possible. I like the idea of finding joy in them tho, and we discussed making the most of life whilst we can. I countered that there will be puddles in heaven. Not that I'm really sure heaven exists, but if it does hopefully it will have whatever it is that brings joy, including massive puddles.

Let's not wait. Whatever you find enjoyment in, hope there is plenty of it this weekend.

I don't believe in idiots

Two aspects of who I am lead me to believing that no-one is worth writing off.
Firstly I'm the kind of Christian who believes that every single human is made in God's image, is wonderfully created and is a miracle to marvel at. Secondly, my counselling concepts mean I'm committed to the idea that we can believe in the goodness of all, that everyone is doing the best they can at any one moment.

Now that doesn't mean that we don't also make mistakes, hurt others, and cause all kinds of nightmares. And right now, with the possibility that Donald Trump could lead America, with all that encumbent power and potential consequences, and many hideous daily acts of violence occurring around the world, I can see it's tempting to brand some people as idiotic, dangerous, evil etc.

And yet I don't believe in idiots (or evil). I do believe that any of us can get trapped into ways of responding that mean we're not always thinking clearly, we can accidently or deliberately cause harm because of the struggles we are dealing with. And so we all need a hand.

This week I've shouted at both the smoke alarm and the microwave, both when they were simply doing their job. I figured it was better to vent my stress at inanimate objects than people, and I wasn't grateful to them for their reminders that a) I wasn't watching my cooking and b) I had long finished my cooking and needed to come back to it (I've not had a microwave before with this function. It's quite useful really as I'm now less likely to leave things in once finished). The shouting tells me I'm a bit overstretched, not that I'm bad or stupid. I'm off for a sing, that should do the trick.

staying alive

I probably shouldn't be watching this programme about ambulance teams working in London. Its harrowing. I am awaiting a social worker comedy that's on in half an hour.
There's so much about being alive I take for granted. I was grumpy this morning about not having any teabags.
And my admiration for my paramedic friends has risen even higher. One on the TV said that every shift he declares at least one person dead.

I'm the eldest in my team at work and yesterday people were saying how old they see themselves and were all imagining themselves as younger. Except me, who is already fantasizing about retiring, even tho I have nearly 3 decades to go. I think I might need a bit of a break. I fell asleep when I got home from work yesterday, I can't remember that ever happening before.

not in the city

I'm not a city girl. So maybe it's cos I spent both sat and sunday in two different cities, accessed by car, that by the end of the weekend I was craving fields and open skies. I got my atlas out and pored over the islands that I fancy visiting.
Today is cold and miserable and not much has gone to plan. I think tonight I'll look online at some pics to see which Hebridean islands in particular I want on my itinery.

Scottish longing

The aerial circus wasn't where it was supposed to be and we were too tired to hang round for 2 and a half hours so sadly we came home before the lights procession. We instead watched a film that despite it's ridiculous premis I enjoyed. The decoy bride, set on a fictional hebridean island, has reminded me how much I want to see more of the west coast of Scotland. I will see if I can watch local hero again,  as that's what started the longing to go.
I will make my dream happen.

what is

I didn't remember til after 7pm yesterday that it was my wedding anniversary. If I were still married that would be a terrible confession. But as I'm not, I'm taking it as a sign that I'm moving forward, focussed on the what is, not the what isn't.
I want to go and support one of my friends dancing this afternoon but wonder if I have enough energy to be out in town from then til the nighttime light procession. Also I'm aware the longer we're away from home the easier it is to spend money. The pull to read under the duvet, or start a jigsaw, is strong. But I could do those anytime...
Was good to go out, Preston pride was great, and I had many present moments. It's hard tho to stay with the what is,I really missed being with my kids today.

the one with the baked cheesecake

Is my body preparing for winter, wanting to lay down fat stores? I just can't seem to eat enough at the moment. We're booked in for birthday lunch in 2 hours but my tummy is already rumbling. Maybe its the wafts of the baked cheesecake for later, eminating from the kitchen? My girly hasn't made cheesecake before, I'm very excited by it. I love how she takes people's birthdays seriously and gives up hours of her time in creating edible wonders. She's a guddun.

when the grass is jewelled

Today's the first day of Autumn apparently. I love Autumn, so lots to look forwards to. Tho it also entails being colder, which I'm not so fond of. I tried taking a photo of dew on grass the other day, it didn't really come out well - it sparkled brilliantly in the sunlight but a camera couldn't capture it.

Today I am massively tired. The good news is that I have tomorrow and the weekend off so will do restorative reading etc.

I had a fab evening last night, arranged last minute, and it meant I wasn't at a place I had expected to be. When I sent my apologies via a friend, I asked her to hug the others there from me. She's an ace hugger and readily obliged. It transpired she hugged someone for the first time despite them knowing each other and working together for several years. I felt incredibly pleased to have facilitated that to happen. I wonder if that could be part of my legacy? If Kristie had been here, she would have hugged us so let us all hug one another? :D

invisible basic greek salad

I thought there was just cucumber and lettuce in the fridge, so figured my salad would be a little basic. Turns out there's not even that - pesky guinea pigs, eating my lunch. I can't believe how much they eat - and even more - how much they poo!!!!
Chippy tea tonight so emergency pot noodle out of the question. I've made a sandwich but after a lifetime of sandwiches for lunch that always seems such a boring option (especially with no salad to add).

This mundane blog interests me, cos life is a bit messy right now, but I'm getting to notice that I have lovely people who are great at offering hugs/tea/support. Yay for such ace people!!

he ain't heavy

I know I cry easily and today was an emotional day anyway, but I was moved to tears watching the news showing Alistair Brownlee help his exhausted brother over the finishing line. Looking at my Facebook feed, I'm relieved to discover I'm not the only one to do so.

I also have fallen in love with another song. Idlewild by Travis, with Josephine Oniyama. Its been out for 6 weeks but I heard it today for the first time, twice, on the radio. And then many times once I got chance much later. I don't know what it is about some songs that just somehow hit the right spot.

Just as autumn is commencing I realise I need more salad in my life.maybe it's that I need more vegetables and soups will do the job. My body doesn't thank me when I fill it with rubbish, so I've made myself a salad from the bits we have in the house and will go and stock up on healthier snacks as soon as the shops open :-)

Be essential

A friend has given me a couple of wonderful gifts over the years. One a framed pic of a beautiful butterfly drawing with the word metamorphosis.  The other a book of the little prince. Both reflect our shared hope filled view of the world.
This weekend I watched the film of t he little prince and found it even more thought provoking than the book. I was particularly taken with the college exhortation to "be essential",  seen as the only acceptable answer to what we should be when we grow up.  I think this is such a great thing to reflect on,  how we are pressured into marketing ourselves and viewing ourselves as indispensable,  and how our worth is predicated on this.  How we fret when we doubt if we are actually essential or if others would even notice if we were not there to play our role.
My favourite moment was the shock of seeing "inessential" items converted into useful paperclips. And whilst of course I love the message that our lives are more colourful when we spend time with friends,  using our imagination, and forming unique relationships,  I'm aware that I too sometimes succumb to the pull of productivity.
In a busy work week I will try to remember what is actually important.

afternoon nap

With half a dozen boys over for a sleepover, there wasn't much sleep for anyone. I'm rather hopeful I might get an afternoon nap. There's still the jungle to tame whilst the sun still shines, but mainly I need to not overdo it today.
Is it bedtime yet?

Shame I'm so squeamish about cooking nettles as I had a massive harvest of those. Good balance today of reading, volunteering and chores.

dusty joy

I'm grateful for the sunshine for but it doesn't half show up the work to be done. I have left the spider but rendered her homeless by the removal of many a cobweb. I have a wall sign declaring the word joy in big letters. That's now a bit less dusty than it was.  There is much more to do, I shall try and appreciate every ray no matter what it reveals.

I have done several unliked tasks, it was a good day to do some gardening, if it shines again tomorrow I'll be out there again. I won't be winning any prizes at any shows for my harvest. This is the sole produce of the year, a beetroot so small it wasn't worth cooking. But grated, it was still something.

I'm not gonna tell you how it's gonna be

I appreciate the same must be true for all of us - none of us know the future. I do think however, many of us live each day as if things are going to carry on along the same trajectory. I know I've blogged in a similar vein before. Maybe this is just how life is when you're on short term contracts? But I am currently feeling some insecurity about what the future might hold, as I just don't know how it is going to be. And so the Rolling Stones came to mind (I didn't know Buddy Holly had done it first, Me and my sister listened to a rolling stones album a lot when we were younger). Reflecting now, I find the line abusive. No-one has the right to tell anyone else how it will be.
It reminds me of the interesting audio book I'm listening to - Brene Brown is just describing how lots of us see "power" negatively, imagining it to be "power over" someone else, where such power is finite and about inequality. Real power however is infinite and if each of us were in our power, we would be aware that we can make things happen. It's a force on/through ourselves, not on others. Good stuff.