inspire/expire

2014 is about to expire, along with several items in my fridge and cupboards. It's a good job time is just a social construct!!
I have left several tasks to keep me occupied today whilst eagerly awaiting the return of my kids. But first a walk with an ace friend in which we'll put the world to rights and simply feel a whole lot better for being reminded that we love each other no matter what horrors either of us might reveal. I'm so lucky having those kinds of friends. They support and inspire me in equal measure.

I'd have liked to share a photo here of some of my ace friends but I haven't asked permission from those in it, and I'm principled like that, so you'll have to imagine the accompanying picture :) We were jamming, I was playing a cracker tin :D

One of the many things my friend and I chatted about was New Year Resolutions. Mine is around taking more chunks of downtime with those I love. I might even watch more things I don't want to watch just so I get to spend time with those I like to be with. Maybe reading in the same room as those watching things I don't want to watch? I think that's one of life's challenges isn't it, finding ways of being with those we love without it feeling like we're compromising ourselves at times. Those we love have different interests/lives/expectations to us. I don't want to feel I'm spending my life doing things I don't want to do, but I also don't want to not spend time with those I love (just cos for example they are into minecraft and I'm not). Recently I started doing a jigsaw in the same room as minecraft so whilst we're not directly hanging out, we're still close.

Happy New year.

you are deeply loved

I started writing this blog around 1.30am, kept awake by pesky gerbils, only couldn't find the quotes I was looking for and eventually opted for sleep instead, Hurrah.

It's still ringing in my ears now, from the prayers on Sunday, the fact that we are deeply loved. Whilst I know at one level that it is true, the struggle to actually believe it is immense. I've been putting it down to trouble trusting, given the failed promise to be loved for better or worse. But if I'm really honest, I think the doubt goes much further back. A wise friend shared recently that we will always feel lonely as total connection is impossible. I don't remember the full gist and it sounds pessimistic writing it now rather than citing the actual poet who will have eloquently explained it. Anyhow whilst the gerbils keep me awake fretting about the the meaning of life I still feel a sense that it's what the church is supposed to be about, and it's what I'm supposed to be about. To keep insisting that every one of us is deeply loved. I know I've blogged about this before but one of my fears is that I'll have let my own stuff and doubts get in the way of communicating that to some folk. One of my gorgeous friends the other day told me (unprompted) that I love deeply, so I know some people see it. I'm just not perfect is all.
The temptation I think, is to imagine that it is possible to be deeply loved by one person as if that would fix the hole created by the doubt. My counsellor today pointed out that the reality is I'm deeply loved EVERYWHERE. As are you. Yes there's all kinds of stuff that gets in the way so we only get tarnished glimpses which leaves us dubious. My own dim mirror means I reflect some of the truth to people some of the time and I want to keep polishing so I can reflect better. And I sometimes try and pin it down for myself and get wobbly cos all of us are imperfect so no single person is going to be able to consistently show we are deeply loved. That doesn't mean they have failed, or that we are not deeply loved, just that it's not shown at its clearest in that instance.
I liked this quote from Pip Wilson, a man who also strives to love every single human being deeply. I hope you today get to experience love in its many manifestations :)

http://www.pipwilson.com/2014/12/i-dont-want-to-send-cliche-wishes.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+pipwilsonbhp+%28Pip+Wilson+bhp+......+blog%29

whole weekends

I'm continuing to find pieces of wrapping paper around the house, I can't quite believe how much there is strewn about. I'm hoping to tidy a bit today. It feels like I've not done any work in ages. Whilst this is partly a good thing I then realised that I last worked on Friday and today is Monday. One of the advantages of my jobs is that I manage my own time and fit it around the kids. But I think this is telling me that I'm not managing my time as well as I could - my promise to myself for the new year is to have more consecutive chunks of time when I'm not working.

my girly did a lot of fab decorating this year :)
I especially like the very rustic tinfoil star

I might even not start work again today. My (still sleeping and will be for some time) guests are much better at relaxing than I am. Whilst they are still here perhaps I can stay in lounging mode. I have finally finished all my dragon books. There are just a few pages left in my worldchanging book that I'm savouring to the last morsel. This month's book group choice starts with the stalking of a cat, so desperate are the characters to eat. So I've put that down and picked up Dan Brown's da Vinci code. I've no idea how that made it on my shelf of unread books - like everything else in my life, I've not bought the novels on that shelf, just acquired them somehow. It comes with a 'you're not supposed to like this or even waste your time reading it' aura - not sure where that came from either. But so far, so intriguing. And it's stopping me from working so that's a good thing!!!

... It's so quiet when people go! So I've turned my computer on for company and am playing music to accompany the cleaning. I hate not being with those I'd like to spend more time with. If I clean now hopefully I can chill with my kids when they are back.

seeking sparkle

I don't know how it happens - and don't want the magic spoiling by finding how it happens. But somehow light can hit frost and make it really really sparkly. I'm glad I got up and went to church and saw it.
I was tempted to stay in bed, having not slept well, struggling. I cried when our lovely minister spoke of how much we are deeply loved. That's why I go to church, well one of many reasons. I hope our next lovely minister preaches the same message.
I have treated myself to some super soft tissues that claim to have a super gentle touch. I nearly took them back when I realised how much they cost. Now I have them Home they don't seem much softer than my usual recycled ones to be honest. As I was ignoring my principles anyway, I also bought some cleaning products with bleach. I'm going to see if I can get some sparkle indoors given that there's no frost inside -thankfully! I pointed out the 'hairy bin' I was photographing to some passing children. They were delighted too.

battle weary

Sometimes stuff can feel like a battle. Sometimes I don't have the energy to fight anymore. I'm not sure that's it about love not winning tho it can feel like giving up on that ideal.maybe it's a mere setting it aside, that I bow out of the battle for a while cos no-one can fight all the time, and I can choose not to engage. My body needs some r and r.
I wasn't sure if it made sense to go on a long walk this morning but I decided it would be good to spend some time with people who had invited me - well everyone - to join them. I grabbed a friends hand at one point and had a weep. I've been weepy all day. Tomorrow is Sunday and so I shall rest. No defending of myself to anyone, no having to stick up for myself I hope. Just a really difficult jigsaw.

Seven dwarves

I'm likely to be dopey today having spent a night feeling grumpy about being at work today. I'm also incredibly sneezy. I know I'll be bashful later tho I'm hoping I'l also be happy. I know there's Doc but I can't remember the other one - going to start work now tho in the hope I finish early, so will have to look that up later...
Ah, I'd not realised there is doth dopey and sleepy. Yes, I'm both :) Done with work tho now so can do some more relaxing - hurrah!

glad tidings

I for one do not wish it could be Christmas every day. For starters, the dog barks whenever the church bells ring, which means he's been incredibly noisy this past hour. The hour that I've just spent in the kitchen trying to rediscover the work surfaces ready for cooking on tomorrow. They were buried under several layers of flour, cinnamon and edible glitter, the result of an evening of my girly's baking - mainly for the dog's stocking.
Unsurprisingly, I have caught my boyfriend's streaming cold. Thankfully I bought a bag of satsumas and so have been able to make a start on those and once the stockings are open tomorrow can have the rest (they always get returned to the fruit bowl but it's the symbolism that counts).
Tomorrow is the first time in a few years that I will have a stocking again :) It's the first time their Dad won't be here to see the kids open their presents and they were happy with that given that he will have stockings for them later. I suggested they were old enough now to play their own part in the stocking present buying. Some folk think me mean but I've never really stressed the whole Father Christmas thing. I didn't want to reach a point where I'd have to say to my kids that yes, I'd been lying about Santa being real but I still hoped they'd believe me about the rest of what I feel Christmas is about. We still act out the traditions - putting out some sherry and a carrot - but I've always been clear with them that I'm playing the part of St Nick. How would I be able to look my kids in the eye and talk of a guy who brings gifts to "good girls and boys" as if that were to explain why some children receive expensive presents, whilst there's many a parent round the world unable to afford anything for their children. Have they not been good enough? Does Santa not go to them? I realise it's not a populist perspective so I mainly keep quiet about it, but it's how we've done things here.
So I'm off to fill their stocking and they have already filled mine. It's midnight now and so Happy Christmas! Hope you have a love and wonder filled day :D
... My stocking presents were mainly handmade, I'm very happy :-) I have seen a Dodinsky quote I like this morning, that the most treasured gifts are the meaningful moments we create with those we love. Whatever you receive today I hope you have some lovely time with loved ones. That's the best!
Have felt pretty rubbish all day. Perked up a bit now, maybe it was the very yummy cheese - creamy Cheshire from orsome. It was indeed awesome!

off lead

To say my dog loves Dufton is an understatement. I've heard that a dog's sense of smell means they can detect whiffs that tell them a dog passed that way a fortnight earlier. With so many wild animals out and about it's no surprise that he's in scent heaven , darting about hither and thither as he presumably smells all kinds of creatures.
When I'm at home he (usually) comes back for me (eventually) and so I tend to let him off on the field for ball throwing. When I'm in Dufton I daren't let him off the lead as I don't think i'd ever see him again. Now my dog whisperer boyfriend can get the dog to come back relatively easily and so he always lets him off the lead. So as he came up to Dufton with us this time, the dog was allowed off lead and his exuberance was palpable. I had a massive smile on my face seeing his joy, tho it made me think I should perhaps risk letting him off myself, the fun he was having.
Whilst walking amidst the incredible scenery I suddenly realised that my mind was busy worrying about a walk suggested by a friend on the 27th, would I be able to manage the dog by myself, should I leave him at home, I wonder if I'll have to rush off to get to the family evening event etc etc. I brought to mind this picture as to how it seems dogs are better at enjoying the present moment than we are.
Today I'm back in my less picturesque hometown and indeed set for a full work day before the kids are returned this evening. Last night was hard, the contrast between lots of family and then just me n the dog. I hope next week is going to be OK. It's hard not to have my mind full but I shall try and learn a lesson from my adorable hound.

http://mirandavandenberk.files.wordpress.com/…s.jpg 

...
Work was less full on than anticipated so I was able to do a couple of hours volunteering as well - hurrah! Bargains to be had in Morrisons, where I sang my way round and chatted to other customers. Hope you're having a similarly low stress Christmas Eve! Everything wrapped, now I could do with tidying the house so there is space to unwrap everything ;)

what can I give you?

I learned last night that my parents had 'in the bleak midwinter' at their wedding. Despite being a geographer, I'm ashamed to say I don't know what the weather would have been like in the middle east 'Long long ago' but I suspect we have anglicised the story. Skipping past the first verse, I have always found the last one very meaningful, asking the question what can I give him? The shepherds logically brought a lamb which obviously the baby Jesus cuddled up to and had as a faithful pet. The wise men played their part and being wise, that's what I do.
I've not bought many presents this year - my kids are getting plenty, but really I'm not a big giver of presents. Now presence, that's a different matter. One of the gifts I'm most pleased with giving this year was noticing someone could do with some time and space and so setting that up.
My boyfriend wanted some wellies so I got him some And he's used them lots already so I won't he wrapping them with the mud clinging to their soles. So there's not a single thing I'll be giving him on Christmas day. And that's the same for each of you reading this - I don't think any of you have even got a card, some of you live near enough to have had a Christmas hug but some not - sorry. All I can assure you is that I give what I have. My heart. Xx

Is it wrong that I've been amused all day by the thought of Jesus having a pet lamb?? I wonder if I write these blogs to entertain myself - I'm still chuckling over a suggestion I made earlier in the week about being a wedding planner - that's not going to be my next career move is it? Anyway, I'm back now to lots of emails but they might wait, I'm still off work today, back in tomorrow :)

kid in a sweet shop

The dog was uncontrollably happy on his walk. At home he is fixated on getting to 'his' field, here he was beside himself with glee leaping around to smell first one thing then another. It is lovely to be able to bring so much joy to him. Right now my boy and my dad are both very happily constructing a reindeer from bits of wood.
And me, I've just received notification that my mortgage has completed. Thankyou so much for staying alongside me when the going got rough. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

feast of the senses

I really enjoyed the church Christmas, despite at least 8 people telling me how lovely my hair and And please will I not cut it again. Hopefully I managed to smile graciously whilst thanking them and making no assurances. What I did enjoy was hugging every single one and not just in a fly by style. People at church have been so supportive if me recently, it felt good to sit and chat and physically as well as emotionally connect. A few folk spoke of how they don't get enough touch in their life so I've made a mental note and they will be getting more from now on B-)
I'm very appreciative of all my senses, I couldn't rank them. My son claims I have a super sensitive nose - it's true I can often sniff out trouble. And I was reminded yesterday of when a dear friend Years ago lent me an item of clothing as I was chilly and I spent the whole night wrapped in the garment that smelled of him and what a delight that was. I cried when I recalled it tho as smells fade and so sometimes can connections. I've not been in touch with him for months - I'll try and rectify that today tho my communications are much more limited here. It's important to me to get that balance - I really do want to focus on my family whilst we're here but I also like keeping in touch with my loved ones elsewhere too. I loved playing bananagrams last night, I hope you are having dun and connection wherever you are too.

dearhearts

Two blogs this morning and it's not even 8am!! Yesterday was a bit emotional (um, different from any other day how?). It's inspiring, being part of something so life affirming whilst knowing that someone is packing lots in cos they don't have long left. I've known several folk who have died this year and none have them have been people who I'm really really close to, and the thought of losing any one of my dearhearts terrifies me.
I can't quite figure out tho how to live a life that has all the things in it that we have to do, like toilet cleaning and driving to work and paying the bills, as well as live each moment with every single one of my lovelies as if it were their and my last. I had a good conversation with one of my lovelies today about how we have to find the joy in the bill paying cos that is the stuff of life too.
One of my many friends-that-I-don't-spend-enough-time-with uses the word "dearheart" to describe me and no doubt a whole host of other wonderful people in her life. I'm glad I'm dear to her heart, it is mutual, and I'm also glad she has tons of people who make her life full of love. Sometimes tho the stuffness of life overshadows the love and that gets frustrating cos I don't want to waste even a second of my existence doing anything other than delight in the love of and for my dearhearts.
Today I hopefully will get to spend lots of time in the presence of many people I love - we have our church nativity and party and then we're off to celebrate my mum's birthday in front of a roaring fire. I'm sure there will be times when instead of delighting, there may be tension and friction - this too is the stuff of life and though it's not how I'd like it to be, I know we always come through to the other joyous side.

My friend Ben has taught me a lot about celebrating the life and love we have right now instead of bemoaning what we wish we might have had. I hope that your day today is full of celebrating dearhearts near and far. Even whilst you try and scrub those stains in the loo.

And relax...
'Home' and in front of the fire, and my dad has made me some damson gin. Maybe my first hangover awaits after all??!!

too much of a good thing can be wonderful

I saw a sign in a local pottery that I contemplated buying - for a friend tho maybe actually I should have bought it for myself. I've noticed that the people closest to me at the moment have something to teach me about doing more of what you want, of not constantly holding back. Tho sometimes I wonder if it's me who can share with them the benefits of restraint? Right now my son is having the time of his life laughing at whatever he's watching - I think it would have been much more sensible for him to have had more sleep so he's not grumpy later. Right now I think he's made a good choice. Later I might not ;-)
I would never in a million years run 45 miles a few days after chemo, yet look at how much joy that brought to Ben. I've never got drunk, the thought of an excess of alcohol, of not being with it, has no appeal whatsoever. Ironically, the reason I didn't buy the sign was that the consequences were too risky. But is the fear of consequences stopping me from living wholeheartedly? Is it good that I listen to the small stubborn voice that goes 'you shouldn't do that' or do I need to be learning to throw caution to the wind? I'm a bit envious of those who are able to delight in the Joy the moment brings. Whilst there are advantages to 'big picture thinking' am I denying myself because of constantly weighing up the impact my actions may have? And I know that my refusal to participate can marr the enjoyment of others who have less reservations about throwing themselves in.
So many choices! What I do know is if I was talking to a friend I'd remind them that it's ok for them to be themselves, that they don't have to change to fit in with others, that people will love them just the way they are. But that they of course can always try out different ways of being if they want :-)

cheeky santa dash

This morning was a brilliant thing to be part of! I didn't run but I sang lots and clapped so much that my hands have gone really smooth. If I were to be arrested today I don't think they'd be able to take my fingerprints as I have worn away the grooves on my skin with so much applauding, for all the runners, but particularly for Ben who inspired today's event.

So one of my lovely choirs sang before the runners left, whilst we waited for Ben to come in from his first (24 miles) circuit of the Guild Wheel. We then sang again as the runners both finished their first lap and also completed the 5 km Santa Dash - this could be heard throughout the route one of our running choir members reported, so that was good! We then did an awesome dance/sing along to "Happy" as Ben came in from his second santa dash lap and proceeded onto his 2nd guild wheel circuit. so that will be 45 miles in total. I've returned home for lunch and to walk the dog but I'm hoping to be back in the park later to cheer him as he completes today's challenge. Sponsor him here at : http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/fundraiser-web/fundraiser/showFundraiserProfilePage.action?userUrl=bensbowelmovements

The compere was very in the spirit of the event, bowled over like many of us by Ben's take on life and death - his bowel cancer is terminal and he's using his time to raise money, awareness, and live life to the full. At one point the compere gave me a microphone so I could join him in a duet of Fairytale of New York. It turns out that I really don't know the words. Karaoke without the words is a tad embarrasing but my mates assured me I didn't embarrass myself and I was pleasantly surprised that I wasn't reduced to a nervous wreck when holding the mike. I think I've learned some tricks around setting aside my own feelings so as not to shy away from something scary that's actually for the greater good. Or maybe I'm holding to that notion that life's too short to not just seize every moment and live it as joyfully as possible. It was awesome to be part of such an ace thing along with so many wonderful people. The words I have in my ears at the moment are from my friend David LaMotte who urges us to show up - that's all we have to do. I nearly didn't stay today as I wanted to be in two places at once. But I'm so glad I did. I am very very grateful indeed.

no chicken counting

So it transpires that the corner I turned was into a dead end. Foolishly I didn't call them yesterday to just double check all was progressing smoothly, and so the file sat, with notes added to it saying no, all was not progressing smoothly. I have however made 6 calls tonight, and managed to turn those notes into people taking action. One lovely lady rang me back at 6pm, an hour after she should have left to finish her Christmas shopping, to say she had not only done x, y and z, but also here's the figure you now owe us and we can complete on Monday. I will be commending her when I submit my official complaint next week. Apparently it's not possible to complain at 5.20pm on a Friday (I wasn't that surprised) and so I did manage a joke about getting through to pay roll instead - I have spent so many hours this week working on my case that I feel I should be added to their list. I had to laugh given that I'd already had a cry. BUT I'm now cautiously celebrating. Having handed over a big wodge of money tonight I am really really hoping it's cos this is it.

Speaking of big wodges of money, it's a good job Friday choir isn't usually cancelled. I used the time to trawl Morrisons instead and spent nearly £100 on copious amounts of juice and other items that are too heavy to carry. I much prefer singing to shopping (I did sing whilst I shopped but no-one joined in).

ablaze

In addition to the usual clutter on my bedroom floor, I currently have an array of presents strewn in front of my wardrobe, some wrapped, others awaiting magic elves. There is also a large box of wrapping paper. I'm the sort of person who salvages as much as possible when gifts are unwrapped, then I stash it for the following year and have a fab collection of odds and ends. For the past few days this box has adorned my floor and is topped by a large piece of shiny red gift

wrapping. And Every Single Time I enter my room my head thinks there is a lovely cosy fire. I'm intrigued that my mind doesn't panic over this perceived flame but instead delights at how toasty my room is. I'm sure I've had my heating on less since my fake fireplace played tricks on me.
Do you think I might need a holiday??! My cough is worsening, its that time of year (never a sympathetic response when you're feeling ill). Just a day or so of work left then really looking forward to a crackling real fire in dufton!

folksy Christmas

There's a suggested playlist on spotify that's right up my alley. I shall be picking songs off it this morning whilst I crack on with a few work bits. I have a couple of hours before the first of my 2 Christmas meals I've co-ordinated for today - the first a buffet at a group, the second a meal out for all my volunteers. I should never be a wedding planner, it's not my natural skill set this. I actually need to go out at least 2 times before the group tho feel very tempted to stay put, tho the dog won't let me get away with that.
On my more co-ordinated days I set the washer to be on to utilise my solar power. I looked at the sky today and don't think the light will ever be enough to power my permanently running computer let alone a load of washing, so I stuck it on first thing anyway.
I am feeling very grateful that a lovely friend (and regular blog reader!) came round last night bearing a needle and proceeded to prod the carpet round the mysterious hole. He has declared the surrounding floorboards sound rather than rotten, so that is good news. See, that corner has definitely been turned.
...
Just sat down with a brew, my first stop of the day, and realised I I didn't get the main thing off my list when at the supermarket. Bother. Not quite enough minutes in today...

slumber

Today I am spectacularly tired. I don't know if most people's bodies are like this, I find I can function pretty well after a sleepless night, it's the following day it hits. So despite sleeping ok last night I can barely open my eyes yet can't linger as I am being picked up shortly from the garage.

I'm very grateful that a colleague is giving me a lift into work whilst my car is ( hopefully) being mended today. We're having our last meeting of the year as a festive buffet so that should be lovely.

I didn't watch any news but heard radio reports of hideous things happening. I then saw some newspaper headlines later, one of which was how a celebrity's marriage was hanging by a thread. Whilst I know this will be absolutely awful for those involved I don't understand how this is news, let alone headline news and why on earth it is anyone else's business. We live in a very mixed up world, the things we pay attention to in order to distract us from the important stuff.

I wonder if it's going to be a tired grumpy day or if I can make it a day of staying grateful for the blessings cos I have no energy for anything else?!

... What's that? I'm hoping it's the sound of a corner being turned! Just collected mended car from garage without any additional unpleasant surprises. And I was phoned at work today with a progress  report on mortgage. Hurrah! Singing tonight too B-)

you make me sing to the houseplants

Our fridge currently. A happy place.

This time yesterday morning I was jigging about feeling all uplifted and hopeful, focussed on how blessed I am with great friends. Whilst this hasn't changed at one level, as the day progressed I became increasingly dispirited. By the time bedtime came I was literally a quivering wreck and I've not slept much at all.
I'm trying not to beat myself up as to why I've let myself become so hung up on something instead of letting it go. The irony isn't lost on me that this mortgage process is making me so ill if I'm not careful I'll end up not being able to work and therefore pay the mortgage!!
So why is it so all-consumingly important?
When the children had an unexpected and unwanted massive change in their lives a few years back it quickly became apparent that trying to change anything else, even something little, to the house or a tradition, was difficult. For me I've had a few aims really - to focus on the 3 of us above everything else and our wellbeing, to try and have as reasonable a relationship as possible with their Dad, and to do what it takes to enable us to stay in this home they've grown up in.
The reason I've been so wound up about this mortgage application falling through is that I don't feel it's so simple as to start again in the new year - with my main contract expiring in March I don't feel I'll be particularly mortgagable, and so the pressure is on to sort it now. I keep telling myself that there are tons of other options, but I'm also aware that the divorce is contingent on me buying out my husband and I've signed that form saying I know I'll go to prison if I don't follow through.
Now the rational bit of me (which is there somewhere, honest!) tells me that no-one is going to send me to prison over this. What purpose would that serve? I'd be even less able to pay the mortgage and it's hardly a warning to anyone else is it - I don't think I could have tried much harder to make this process work (speaking of which I must leave enough time to email the solicitors encouragingly).

It is hard to keep believing people are doing their best when their mistakes mean that I get anxious. Every time I try to complain I first have to discuss my case and then discover another form that has expired and so my energy has to go to that. Maybe once it's done I'll file a complaint at that point but part of me feels foolish for taking on a bunch of solicitors and so the powerlessness kicks in.

But the truth is I am powerful. The saddest part for me yesterday was when someone turned nasty. No-one deserves anyone to be nasty to them, although I can see how when we feel crap that has to come out somewhere. My power resides in how I handle this and why would I be defeated by stupid paperwork? I'm off to sing to some houseplants and then into work - not so I can earn some money but so I can put my energies into way more constructive matters :)

... I've just spoken to the 13th different agent of the last 3 weeks - annoyingly I didn't make a note prior to that. What will I do with my 'spare' time when I no longer have to come in and phone them and ask them to check that the latest action they have undertaken has been received//acceptable.

countdown

I have fond memories of the advent calendars of my childhood. Not the chocolate ones, I'm a girl of simple pleasures, but the little windows and perforated card and the picture beneath. It feels far too wasteful to do one as an adult and to be honest the countdown has changed. It would no longer be about the anticipation of an exciting day. I suspect if I did an advent calendar now it would only mark the crossing off of how few days I have left to sort things out. That's a shame really.
There's lots I am looking forward to, particularly going to see my parents beforehand. I feel I'm on a bit of a countdown this week, the last of the school term. There's usually some pockets of unallocated time but this week seems to have lots assigned - crammed into evenings as well as by day. I've managed to get a slot at the garage this afternoon for them to fix my light on the way back from some training I'm running, so that's good.
My aim is to enjoy each minute and not feel as if I'm just getting through until I can relax at the weekend - as that's not how I think life is supposed to be lived. Hope you are celebrating the now too!

....
AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I'm beginning to doubt if we can make the mortgage deadline in time. I rang my current provider today and found that something else has expired so am now having to chase that, with someone whose phone is currently not working so it simply might just not happen. What is it I'm supposed to be learning here? That I have to keep hope right til the last moment? That sometimes I just have to give up and with all the good will in the world if something isn't going to happen it's not going to happen?
The garage also couldn't fix the car so that's rescheduled for wednesday.
I could cry. And have, lots.
I have a friend who says that if something is proving too difficult maybe it's just not meant to be. Maybe I'm not supposed to own this house? So what am I meant to be doing instead? Is now the time to be joining the convent? Setting up a community? Running away to a scottish island?

please look after this bear

I love kids films and was marginally more excited than my boy at going to see Paddington. Some suspension of reality was needed but we laughed, and I nearly cried at several points.
How fitting that within seconds of us getting home the doorbell rang, someone needing a place to sleep for the night. She's no bear and so far hasn't destroyed the facilities ;-) I was particularly pleased that I'd bought some spare toothbrushes earlier in the week so could even offer one of those. Our house may be falling apart but it's still a good shelter.
Lots of church today - nativity practice at our own, and christingle this eve at school church. Better get going!

will you love the "you" you hide?

One of my ace friends inspired me to do a personal gift for someone so I've been scrawling down the things that stop us being fully ourselves, those things that if we got rid of them, we'd be free to get on living fully. My friends do this for me loads - encourage me to be the me I want to be :) And so I'm encouraging my friend to leave behind what was said about them, their school report, the masks she wears, the happy ever after.
I'm so grateful for my loved ones cheering me on - means I wake up in the morning with a song in my heart and a smile on my face and an easy readiness to spread the joy. As the gift is supposed to be a surprise this blog is only going to make a fleeting appearance and may re-appear in the new year!! Just need to go out now and get the rest of the gift to go with it :)

catch a falling star

I don't often gaze at the stars, tho I've been out a few times this week looking for my friend's star. I was chatting earlier with another friend about being hit by a meteor and only later discovered tonight is a great chance to see a shower of them, and so wanting to live life to the full, decided to go out and stare awhile. Sadly I spotted none (best at 2am, I can't stay up that long, they were already twinkling more than usual which I suspect is down to tired eyes at this hour). Nonetheless it was beautiful and awe inspiring and I shall endeavour to gaze more often.

Meanwhile yet another friend sent me this ace answer to a question on "What is God":
http://johnshelbyspong.com/2014/12/11/standing-on-the-boundary-between-death-and-life-charles-robinson-1931-2014-r-i-p/

There's lots I like about this, the fact that none of us can define God, but can talk about our own experiences, which he admits may be delusional, but for Bishop Spong is

"God as the Source of life calling me to live fully, as the Source of love empowering me to love wastefully, and, as the Ground of all Being (to borrow a phrase from Paul Tillich) giving me the courage to be all that I can be."

I am trying to live fully and love wastefully (tho would contest that no love is ever wasted, but I get the drift of abundance and sometimes seeming futility). Sometimes there can be obstacles. It feels as if the house is trying to ask me if I really want to be solely responsible for it - some last challenges before the mortgage gets sorted? In addition to the still unsourced leak, I'm getting increasingly concerned about the hole under the carpet in the lounge which is getting unmistakably larger. When I get chance these next few days I think I'm going to have to get it investigated. And tonight the screws from the loft hatch finally came out despite my patch up job a couple of years back. Again this is going to require a bit more technically competent sorting. Never mind, for now the house is still standing and so am I :) Hopefully only one of us is dancing :D

power/hungry

The link below is insightful, a visual juxtaposition of the realities of haves and have nots over time and space.
http://i100.independent.co.uk/article/a-brief-history-of-how-the-rich-and-poor-eat--lJgN3Wugtx
It's been so cold and stormy this week I have constantly been giving thanks for having a warm house - my girly even brought inside the little reindeer I'd bought as a gift when I went away last week. Several folk have commented on how long my hair is - this is mainly due to lack of time to cut it, but last night when I had enough opportunity I decided its just too cold to go shorn. I'm also aware that if I'm going to start applying for jobs I might be better with less controversial hair. I know that really I only want to work somewhere that accepts me just as I am, but is this an option at the interview stage? For now I'll stick with it as it is but of course could change my mind at any moment!!

O come let us adore him

The Catholic church we sang in last night was very chilly, but we still managed to bring joy with our Christmas singing :)
I've been thinking about the word "adore" recently as I realise it's not one I particularly use and wondered why. On reflection, I think it's cos I somehow see it as a distant activity, whereby an untouchable other is revered and elevated as above myself. Which isn't really my kind of way, is it? Either with people or my concept of a deity. Me, I'm less giving of adoration, and prefer my more down to earth concept of trying to love. I'm not blind to the other person's imperfections which is how I see "adoring", it's almost an infatuation with the brilliance - too many twee nativity scenes on Christmas cards? I'd like to think that love is when you see the other person's imperfections and love them anyway. Love for me is cheerfully clearing up the dog vomit when you'd rather be in your warm bed; love is staying put to try and work things out even when it gets hard; love is remembering how lovely someone is even when they're being grumpy cos it's far too early. For me yes love is patient and kind, but more realistically love is also messy and difficult at times. It doesn't make us immune to the crappy bits about others, it helps us keep forgiving despite them.
The times I've been told I'm adored I've felt a bit uncomfortable as I've felt put on a pedestal from which I'm bound to topple. But ultimately it's only semantics. As long as we're all seeing the best in each other and striving to love does it matter what words we use? So I hope today you get to both receive and give that wonderful thing-beyond-words, where you feel wonderful and fuzzy - not cos it's all heart shaped, pristine and cellophane wrapped, but cos you know you are wanted and accepted and cherished just the way you are :D

And now I've just seen this which I think is great :) http://www.pipwilson.com/2014/12/every-time-you-tell-someone-you-are.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+pipwilsonbhp+%28Pip+Wilson+bhp+......+blog%29

blown down

Maybe I'm just not meant to sleep before midnight? I've had a run of late nights recently but last night made it to bed before 11.30. Yet I then had to get up 3 times to investigate suspicious noises. All were founded and I'm glad I got up, especially after the crash from a bedroom when I debated if I really needed to leave my warm duvet. As always my conscience got the better of me, fortunately, as any more delaying and the hamster may have got away for good.
The other sounds needed forays outside, tho in the end I left the fallen wheely bin wedged where it was.
In so many ways I'm living my life the way I'd like to, and I'm very grateful for all the joys in it. And I'm also aware of just how quickly I get blown down. Some days more than others I'm waiting on the arrival of the divorce certificate and feel knocked over by the force of a broken promise. I suspect a more joyful response is to ride with the wind rather than be tossed aside by it. So once again I get to decide to be light and playful so I can float rather than be felled. Hope you too can be in touch with your lighter side B-)

one sided

I'm not a very silent person. If I read a blog I will frequently comment by way of encouragement. I'm also the sort of person who likes and comments on Facebook statuses, who sends random texts, who puts a little note in with Christmas cards -that's why they take so long to write, but they're pretty much all done now, yay!
Because we're all beautifully unique, other people are sometimes not as responsive as I am and occasionally I can doubt myself. When conversations feel a bit one sided I can wonder if I'm pushing myself forward. But I'm not going to let the fears win. I know it's just that pull for affirmations instead of trusting that everything I do is my best and doesn't have to be validated. A big part of who I am is that I love anyway. I give those teeny bits of encouragement that I feel make a difference. It only takes one person to start something off and I can be that one! I'm only responsible for what I do not what others do and whilst I sometimes think it would be ace if others were more like me, I know the truth is we are all better for being different B-)

oxygen masks

I have a fab friend (I have many fab friends, I expect I count you among them) who once very wisely reminded me of the aeroplane safety drill. In the event of an emergency, always put your own oxygen mask on first before then helping others. It makes tons of sense - if we don't, we could then run out of air and so be of no use to anyone else. But if we see to our own air supply we're then good to consistently assist as many others as needed.
As a parent, and as someone who has been brought up with a sacrificial notion of "love others as yourself" as if that were to mean loving others above yourself, I think there's a pull to put others first. If I was in a disaster with my kids I can see I'd be tempted to check they're ok first and then see to my own needs. It's what often happens in daily life. But the reality is - in both daily life as well as a crisis, that if I don't care for myself I won't be in a position to care for others.
So what are your oxygen masks? How do you remember to pull it on when the going is getting tough rather than belatedly remember you had one and forgot to get it out?
Mine include my friends who sing my song back to me when I am forgetting it. Last week I texted a friend I only have intermittent contact with, and simply said I need you to remind me how wonderful I am. She replied saying that was easy. Bless her.
I hope you have a great set of oxygen masks, if you're not sure what they are I urge you to think about it now before you actually need them. I'm always happy to give you one of mine - as long of course as I keep one for myself cos that's the whole point ;)

dancing in the hail

A good weekend "off" with almost non stop singing, it's done me the power of good. I'm just working through my emails now tho and found one from saturday telling me about something I should have done on Sunday. Oh well, the world didn't end.

I've been feeling very grateful for all you lovely folk who gave me so much support last week - your texts and emails were much appreciated and helped keep me going. And I know not all my blog readers are able to email but I'm sure you've also been wishing me well :) I'd like to think my blog readers even those who don't know me in real life, are the kind of folk who think kindly of others. Ultimately I think we are all those people, just life's hurts can squish it out of some of us.

My quote for today is "what if the dog brings the ball back cos he thinks we enjoy throwing it?" I think that's sweet and entirely possible. My limited experience of dogs has me think maybe they would like to make us happy. I know I do things for folk/the dog cos I think it makes him happy tho maybe they/he just join in cos they think it's what I want? Tho if we can find it in ourselves to enjoy everything, even cleaning the toilet, then we enjoy the ball throwing even if we feel we're not doing it for us, and does it then matter who it is for if both are content?? However, today it's dark and hailing and my desire to take the dog for a walk is non existent. I did dance in the hail last time I was caught in it, but that novelty has already worn off!!! Here's hoping things brighten/warm up.

See, it's brightening, we just have to have hope. Still not made it out with dog yet tho, been hard at work. And also seen this which is also warming: http://magazine.good.is/articles/neo-nazis-tricked

some guys have all the luck

It is absolutely brilliant that after the week I had last week, that this weekend should be full of singing. We rehearsed all afternoon for our Christmas gig yesterday, and as a result sounded awesome, it's always so good to be the bringers of so much joy. I felt so lucky after, to be part of something so amazing. I don't think it is just luck tho. I know there's so much we don't have a say over, the crappy situations we can find ourselves in, but there are still choices within that crappiness. I had to work really hard this week to stay positive at times but I mainly managed it and I think it makes a big difference. Everytime I noticed something warmth giving - a radiator, the hot belly of the dog, or snuggly scarf, I gave thanks for the warmth.
As well as singing my favourite thing is being in the arms of those I love - my kids, my best friends, my boyfriend, or I'm somewhat surprised to discover, my hound. I often wish I had more opportunities to be with those I love when circumstances dictate that I'm not. But maybe by not being with them all the time I get to appreciate the time I do have more? So I enjoyed my night cuddled up with the dog I never really wanted anyway, and it was very lovely B-)
I hope you can feel lucky today too!

free mince pies

Very much in my element (as well as in the elements) this morning giving away free mince pies to shoppers in St Anne's, and so engaging in the resulting conversations as to how difficult diabetes is at Christmas etc. Just my sort of church activity, will have to think if we can do something similar more locally next year. Tho it turns out lots of people are not so keen on mince pies for all kinds of reasons.
I love explaining to people that we're not raising money for anything, just giving things away because it is good to do so.
Today is a non stop day so off again now. I hope you are able to notice all you're given B-)

snakes and ladders

My kids are smart. It was an evening of yet more stress and tears. My boy thought it was funny that I had 99 items in my inbox and was surprised I didn't share his amusement. So he suggested we played a board game together and chose snakes and ladders.
It was good to play, and the metaphors were blindingly obvious. I need to keep noticing that there are some ladders (the kind and unexpected email offering support from someone who'd seen my tears earlier in the week) and not just all the many and stupidly long snakes.

I don't want anyone else to have to go through the anxiety this mortgage process has caused, and so will be ringing to discuss my frustrations as soon as they open this morning (I suspect they don't open at 5.30am). I think this morning my hope is for some answers as to where things should have been done differently. so even tho I will probably have to ask to speak to whoever deals with complaints I'm not emotionally clear enough to make a complaint as such.

I do wonder if this is all a test rather than a game. It doesn't feel much like a game. So far I've not been mean to those who are causing the anguish (tho my poor kids have been on the receiving end of some swearing) so I feel I'm just about passing the test I set myself. I know it's possible to let people know I'm unhappy without having a go at them personally, I've done it before and I'm sure I can do it again today. I think I do practice my kindness muscles regularly and I liked reading about that in this article below. As always I think there are crossovers into all our relationships, tho this focuses on just the one type. Much love to us all today as we try and warmly deal with all the bids for attention that come in to us :)

http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11?IR=T

...
Go me for not being cross at all with any of the lovely people I've spoken to today. Tho I did cry a little (silently for once) when one of the people showed sympathy at how stressful it must be. We're hopefully moving forwards with a plan to try and get everything resolved just in the nick of time. I feel less progress has been made on highlighting where the mistakes were made and changing procedures so no-one ever has to experience it again, but I shall persist cos then good will come out of it, and I do like it when that happens :)

reasons to be cheerful

It was good to get away, though all that was making me sad and overwhelmed hasn't somehow resolved itself in my absence funnily enough. Maybe today there will be movement forwards?

Meanwhile I had better focus on what is positive. It always pleases me when strangers display trust. So I was pleased when a group of women in their 60s gathering for their annual school reunion, asked us to take a photo of them all. At the waterpark the other day I was a bit surprised when a woman nearby that I'd never met asked me to guard her bag as it had her iPad in it. Having just informed me of the contents, how did she know I wasn't then going to run off with it?

I guess it makes me happy that I'm not the only person who thinks the best of others rather than the worst.

... I'm sorry for all the swearing that was happening in my head so loudly that you all maybe heard it. Things got very very frustrating on the mortgage front. One day maybe I'll be able to laugh at just how many hurdles I have had. That day is not today. But right now I have an experiment to perform to hopefully determine if the leak is shower related.

many rivers to cross

My boyfriend does not like traversing bridges. The point of our break is to relax so we opted for a longer route avoiding the dreaded thelwall viaduct. Sadly we didn't realise the alternative route would involve several other bridges including the disliked runcorn bridge. I'm sure there's a moral there.

I don't get out much. Maybe this is a new and common thing, but it surprised me to see signs at the entrance of both pubs (the one where we slept and the one of the gig) saying people would not be served if wearing, or accompanying people wearing, tracksuits. Seems like discrimination to me.

I've seen the band 4 times now as my boyfriend is a big fan. Each time the support act has differed. Last night was the debut performance of The Great Indoors, so they're not on spotify yet but if they get there I recommend them - just to my taste with their tinkly xylophone, violin, awesome harmonies and words I could relate to.

Turns out my boyfriend hates shopping even more than I do. When the first shop failed to have its promised stock that was enough. So I've returned without any presents but we did have a nice time walking the walls. These were two of my favourite observations. Firstly the way the sun had melted all but a strip of frost remaining on the wooden handrail. The light was lovely today and the weather beautiful, if frosty. Winter is here. And below, a cormorant standing in shallow water holding its wings open to the wind to dry them. I don't envy it standing in the chilly water but loved the idea of holding my wings open to the elements. Might have to give that a try.

the price of principles

I've noticed that having principles can be costly in many ways. Last week I popped to my local shop for pesto, the main ingredient in that night's meal. Now one of the things I like about co-op is its honesty. So when it says on a label that it's used eggs from caged hens I put it back. So in one way they lose out as I then don't buy that product, but in the long run I stay a loyal customer.
There were 2 pesto options. The first was a co-op brand and so admitted that it was made with calf rennet. The second was a more expensive brand, listing the same ingredients but no mention as to suitability for vegetarians. I pondered the dilemma awhile - it didn't say it wasn't ok, but I had my doubts. I concluded my girly would not eat something if it's acceptability was questionable and I didn't want to put her in that position. And so I then trekked to the supermarket where there was again an own label jar alongside the same we'll known brand. Only here there was an additional choice - the expensive brand also does a vegetarian version. So I was right, as a veggie version confirms that their other one clearly isn't. It cost £2.59 compared to just 89p for the supermarket's own. Sticking to my principles has a price.
And yet how guilty would I have felt giving my girly something against what she believes in? If I'm not true to myself then there's a greater cost, one I'm not willing to pay. Is there a limit to the price I'll pay for my principles? I don't know and I'm hoping I don't get pushed to find out!!!

there's no time for fussing and fighting my friend

This week is unusual, if all goes to plan. That's a big if, obviously, and I'm trying to stay optimistic, but my optimism has taken a massive hit recently. so I'm half expecting a sick child or some other spanner in the works.
I have a long work day in Blackpool today in exchange for my usual Tuesday, and I'm taking Wednesday as annual leave (yes that's right I'm taking my holiday, hurrah!).
For the less diligent readers amongst you, I need a bit of time off.
And even if things don't go to plan, it'll work out. My main hope is to not have much conflict - life's just too short for that. Xx

lean on me

I am very grateful that two lovely people from church called round this afternoon, since I'd had a bit of a weep in church this morning. I think they were maybe telepathic as I'd just moments before left a message on their home phone asking if they'd help get me out of the house for a dog walk. I spent the entire walk getting a few things off my chest. They very gently also pointed out one of my tyres was flat, I've pumped it up and am hoping it's not sunk again by the time I next look out.

In news that is either very good or very bad, I on their suggestion went round to see my neighbours and they have a similar damp patch on their ceiling. So it could be they have a leak, in which case they can sort it all. Or it could be I still have an as yet not located leak and I'll have to sort their house as well.

The Dyson still says it all. But I remain stubbornly grateful for lovely friends.

regroup

Trying to deal with the water coming through the kitchen ceiling yesterday tipped me over the edge. It's still not sorted but I'm sure I will get it fixed in time - it's no longer dripping through so the plumber and therefore i too, have no urgency around it. Today my plan is to regroup. To be kind to myself.  do the work that needs doing at my own gentle pace. Have an evening off, in my own company. And just be for a while.

... Really pleased with how I've paced myself today. Gone very gently but also got plenty done. It's most unusual for me to long for just my own company, but I am very very happy that this evening it's just me. I have made peace with myself over issues I've felt out of sorts about this week, and I feel way less stressy than I was feeling at the end of last week. Hopefully another day of the same tomorrow and I'll be back to coping with life's challenges again :)

max exceeded

The debris in my Dyson now extends way above the max line. I wonder if this is a reflection on my life - I feel I have long exceeded my maximum capacity and this is echoed in the fact that I certainly don't have time to empty my vacuum cleaner (and I'm not even sure if it works on the principle of a vacuum, but it's definitely not a hoover as it's a dyson, so is there a synonym or do I just have to keep reiterating a brand? tsk).

One recurring struggle this week, so clearly the place for my needed growth, is around the personal impact when we encourage people to do the right thing for themselves but we are affected by what that then means for us. More opportunities to look at unresolved stuff - yay!! Will I have reached enlightenment when I can fully embrace and be happy with the decisions other have made that have changed my life??

The good news is that even though this has been a difficult week there are lovely things on the horizon. I'll perhaps launch my rent a hug scheme tonight, when I'm hoping to be able to fulfil a request for a hug made last week. I'd say it's in exchange for a brew as that's what has been offered, but of course it's in exchange for a hug as I can't give one without getting one ;)

let me just check down the back of the sofa...

Just before leaving for a big sing, I got a call with good news, that I could complete on my new mortgage this friday - whoop! There's "just the matter of the £8,000 shortfall". Now I know when I had to do quadratic equations the other day, it was a bit of a struggle for me to drag from my brain the info that has remained unused since I last did quadratic equations 25 years ago. But I managed. Maths isn't my most favourite subject, but I am really not so daft as to have miscalculated by £8,000. That's nearly a year's wages, where exactly do they think I could pull that from with a day's notice? Of course, I'm fairly sure it will be error (on their part) somewhere along the way. I'm supposed to leave as soon as I can after 9 this morning so will try ringing them before then on the offchance they start work early. Given that they rang me after 6pm, maybe they have extended hours? I wonder if I can charge them for loss of sleep by anxiety caused??? Tho as there's a whole range of folk on my heart right now maybe it's not all down to number juggling.
Speaking of juggling, today I'm a 5 phone woman. Was it Reggie Perrin's boss who had a desk of phones? I don't wish to emulate him, but it looks like it's gonna be a busy one...

...
As I suspected, their error and they will actually need to reimburse me around £1500 (no, I didn't bill them for my sleepless night). They offered it by cheque or bank transfer. Now the latter would save me a trip to preston when the bank is open, so that's temping but I thought I'd best check if there was a cost difference. The former is free, the latter £42. Why do they not need to mention that when giving me the choice?
I've used 4 of the 5 phones. Good job I'm a good juggler.

aufwiedersehenbaddentagliebegrossundfuzzenheartmitkinderundhoundampillowmmmmmzzzzz

I was amused and impressed yesterday by a friend's ability to turn situations into Germanic sounding compound nouns. On saying she could make a career from it she asked me to give her another. And so I requested "can I have a word for the uplifting feeling I get when after a very challenging day I see a sleeping child with dog also fast asleep on same pillow?" and her response is today's title :)

If I was to have to repeat a day, I would very much hope it wasn't yesterday. To be fair I think the point of "groundhog day" is in the learning to react differently and whilst I'd rather things weren't so challenging at times, I think I did well enough albeit not perfectly, in my responding. Not all was as bad as it could have been, so the scarf lost on the night hike was found thanks to kind friends helping to search. And my foot injured when a stool was dropped on it doesn't seem to be broken. But it was definitely a day of scrabbling round looking for the positives. There is something about sleeping cute kids and animals that is restorative and I shall carry the image in my head today as it makes me smile.
And today, today is a new day :D

stop/go

I had to break the rules yesterday. There was just the one worker at a section of roadworks that resulted in a single carriageway. Each end had the sign showing stop and there was a lone guy in the middle waving traffic forwards. I suspect it's cos it was lunchtime.
There's a roundabout near bamber bridge that I'm not keen on as the number of lanes feels scary. But the last couple of times I've driven round I've just trusted the lane markings and have ended up on the motorway without incident so I guess they knew what they were doing when they marked it all out.
Sometimes I find trusting easy, sometimes I battle with it. Yesterday was a mixture of being able to celebrate my own part in the last 14 years, and struggling with the disappointments that rise when I can't trust that all is well. But there is still plenty of leftover cake B-)*

"We can't direct the wind but we can adjust the sails"

*this is fortunate. It's been a day. I need a stiff cake.

teenage kicks

An early start for present opening, then out to work first thing unusually for me. Back with hopefully enough time to finish trying to return the house to its pre-sleepover self before then yet more cake and celebrations :)  she's not decided where she'd like to be taken for tea yet so that's still a mystery!

be ok

It transpires not everyone is as concerned as I am with what the neighbours think. I'm guessing it's a middle-class obsession? I'm going to explore it in my next counselling session as it's definitely limiting my life. I spent a good proportion of last night worrying that the new neighbours would be upset by the noise from the teenager sleepover. In a bid to reassure me, my boyfriend texted me that it would be ok, they'd just knock if it was too loud. And so I tried to explain that were that to occur my humiliation would be immense so it would be far from ok. How funny that it seems like the worse thing in the world to be too loud. I suspect it's because I'd hate to be thought of as thoughtless.
Plenty to work on there. Wonder if I can find someone who will ease the resultant tension from my shoulders? Hug anyone??
But in happier news I returned yesterday to an unexpected large cheque for the solar power I generated. Getting the panels feels like the first major independent decision I made and so it's great to have proof it was a good one.
This morning I need to pretend I'm a man as I've been asked to read a non-inclusive version of an otherwise good reading. It's fine as I just remind myself it was written by a man so I am just saying his words as he relates it to himself - in my mind it makes the reading harder to relate to than an inclusive version, but that's me. And I'll wear an imaginary beard.
...
The imaginary beard worked for me, I threatened to stroke it as I proclaimed "but now I am a man" but I only did so in my head and several folk commented how nicely I read. Turns out I felt more dissonance over the line about not scoring wrongs - I know I've done that in the past so that felt more antithetical than announcing myself male.
And now, despite already swimming in leftover cake, I need to make another so it can be freshly sung over/candles blown out/cut on the birthday itself. Good job I love her :)

M.O.A.T.

I'm not even pretending to go swimming today, the teenagers only need me there to pay. I might even just leave them there and go looking for presents (no I won't - reading my book in the tropical mists or trudging round Blackpool in the rain with a host of Christmas shoppers, not a tough choice). I have my dragon novel I've not picked up in ages, and a blank pad of paper so I can either write a business proposal or joy down ideas of festive purchases. Or maybe even both. A handful of Christmas cards so I can maybe write letters in them for the people with whom this is my only annual contact. I also have my phone, tho how long the battery will last remains to be seen. I've recently started playing a crossword type game online which is lots of fun but drains the power from my phone whilst simultaneously boosting the power of my brain (hopefully). I discovered yesterday that a jo is a beloved one. Nice.

I'm missing some of my beloveds.
Whilst I know I'm enabling the celebrations to happen (Mother Of A Teenager feels like it needs an acronym, I have just a couple of days before its an actual reality) I already feel a bit surplus to requirements. Not many hugs likely today but connecting by card writing, and the internet, hopefully that will do the trick.

I've got a reduced spectator rate for the first time and it includes £3 worth of food - I'm so easily pleased!!! Trying not to be grumpy that I could have had that on previous visits as it's important to me to focus on what I have not could've had. Already a bit bored n have 5 hours to go - that Christmas shopping may become more appealing!!

I have written 2 Christmas cards. And it's only 22nd Nov!!! And interestingly for one of those I texted for the address and she said she rather likes the Christmas hug alternative I've offered these last few years...

cuddles for sale?

Oh my! I am very excited. Tomorrow I'm ensconced in a waterpark and was going to start thinking about Christmas properly, but instead am seriously thinking I might work on a business plan instead.

For as long as I can remember when people asked what I wanted to do for a living I said "hug people". Well, it seems a woman in America didn't get put off by people's dismal of this aim as idealism and has set up a shop where she charges people to have an hour of cuddling.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/woman-opens-professional-cuddling-shop-gets-10000-customers-in-first-week-9870211.html

If I decided I really wanted to do this, I could do it you know.
So do I want to?

Already lots of questions jump up. I already know the challenge of work/life balance. If I'd been cuddling people all day would I be less keen to cuddle my family and friends? How on earth could I charge people for it - could I put together a health case and write a proposal for funding and say get referrals through the NHS so people didn't have to pay? Practical issues of safety, of covering rent, all that would need addressing. How might others react - particularly I'm thinking a partner of a client might have feelings if they had come to me for a cuddle service. Of course, one of the fab things about cuddles is you can't give one without getting one - my health benefits would be enormous :D

So, what do I want to do with my one wild and wonderful life - is this part of my calling I could professionalise??? We shall see (meanwhile lower your expectations now of recieving a Christmas card...)

...
More questions. If one of the most important things to me is relationship building, does a one off fixing approach work or should I be looking at how to build touch into relationship building - but just how would I make this into a job rather than my life already? Could I not create a cuddle corner as part of a community setting - maybe our envisioned new church space - but how on earth could this fit with safeguarding practice? If I couldn't offer cuddles to vulnerable adults and under 18s does it become exclusionary? And I've been asked about the validity - that the value of cuddles is in the knowing the person wants to give the cuddle  - "you are cuddleable" rather than is doing it because it's their job. Still reflecting :)

structural changes at a domestic and global scale :)

Today my aim is to manage my stress better, as the slight headache I had just before book group suddenly exploded into a full on tension headache with the inevitable throwing up and crawling to bed. I really seem to be feeling the shortening days, trying to cram the dog walk in before nightfall has ratcheted up the pressure, I don't do deadlines very well.
Working through my lunch break yesterday meant I'd not bought anything for tea, again magnifying the angst. Today I will take a lunch break :)

I've still not heard Do they know it's Christmas 30 but have read a fair amount of opinion about it via facebook. I have mixed feelings about it, as part of me doesn't want to dismiss anyone's efforts to make a difference, and despite the dodgy wording I do like the atmosphere of the 2004 version. I can see that reaching  a particular target audience that might not otherwise donate is useful, though like many I question the imperialist ways of going about it. I liked this article, though have only found the time to read the first half so far:

http://www.aljazeera.com/news/africa/2014/11/bob-geldof-ebola-africa-band-aid-bono-one-direction-famin-20141113833733496.html

I'm also reminded of what I recently read in David LaMotte's book about the importance of both aid work but also making structural changes, and that looking down on those involved in a different aspect doesn't help anyone. Something that's true of everything, surely.

supported by an invisible multitude

At a meeting yesterday I wasn't supposed to be at, I bumped into my former colleague and much loved friend who also was standing in for someone else. We sat next to each other and I reveled in her warm company, something I used to experience daily.  We last met up 4 years ago but Facebook means we are still in regular contact - yay for social media B-). I'm very lucky to have many friends who I don't see for months on end but are still right there, unseen but far from unknown.

I've been having my milk delivered for almost a year now. Notwithstanding regular email correspondence with my milkman, and evidence of his visits in the form of both bottles and bills, I've not yet actually seen him. The dog has, and barks each time, so I quickly rescheduled from daily pintas to multiple less frequent deliveries, as I don't enjoy being woken in the early hours.
There's something a little odd about having such regular yet invisible contact, tho I guess it's not different than other services I take advantage of without ever seeing the provider. I was trying to think of examples but I do try and wave at my binmen and say hi to postie and offer lollies to the electricity meter reader. But of course there are thousands of people who each day make my life better without me ever having met them, and certainly not thanked them. So the folk who keep my internet alive, my water running, who grew the grapes and dried them and added them to my granola. It's why I buy fair trade stuff wherever I can cos how greedy is it of me otherwise if I don't even bother that those tea pickers are earning peanuts or the peanut growers can't afford tea?
There's so much to be grateful for, seen and unseen :)

haystacks full of needles?

I still seem no closer to locating the missing paperwork, tho given that I have put at least a thousand sheets of various paper into the recycling, I must surely be nearer? I have along the way shredded phonebills from 2001. This was not on the to do list but has freed up a folder that I will soon (hopefully! how much patience do saints have to have?) be able to fill with New mortgage paperwork so I'll then no longer have to file that on the floor.
The shredder has developed a squeak but no time to investigate that. I have to get out and actually do work that pays :)

magic wands

Sometimes when I'm supporting mums I warn them that I won't be bringing a magic wand. It would be nice if I could "fix" things for people sometimes. When my girly was not well it would have been nice to make everything better for her in an instant. I purchased lots of lemons and kept plying her with fluids, so had a good attempt at helping, but really all I could do was be there.
And of course that's how it is. No-one has a magic wand. But we do get to be there. Even that can be hard - it's hard to stay present when someone is unwell, or unhappy. And the being there isn't always physical. I still remember gladly the friend who sang, in a different country, whilst I was having my operation last year. I have friends who I know are there for me even tho we go months without speaking. Sometimes tho I hanker for a commune with all my friends right there always!!! And sometimes I long for that magic wand.
Today I need to make a phonecall I'm dreading* but it will probably be fine, it usually is.
Whatever it is you need today, I hope you find it in abundance.
xx
*am waiting for him to call back, prolonging the agony, but the secretary bloke seemed very reassuring, "oh i wouldn't worry about that" :) Meanwhile I'm tackling a paperwork mountain on a search and rescue mission - very grateful that spotify is working this week unlike recently, so I can singalong whilst hunting. I paid for a download of the Children in Need track so it's morally ok to listen to it on spotify I presume? No luck finding the lost statements so far, tho I've made the overhang less treacherous.

Maybe my missing bank statements are in my in tray?

meze

Not being a natural chef, I opted for a meze type meal to make for my friend and me last night. Yes the falafel and halloumi needed cooking, but popping pitta into the toaster is just about my level so all was well. And as a bonus there is plenty of leftover salad and cheese so I have a yummy lunch to take with me for my day long choir rehearsal. In fact I'm taking extra along. There's always someone who didn't get chance to bring any food with them, so my challenge is to find who that someone is today and offer to share!  And Yes, I'm getting to sing for a whole day, which is great as I've not been for a couple of weeks cos of childcare issues.
I'm still a bit wobbly as so much is unsettled but today is much brighter.
...
I found my person who was in need of my extra lunch :)
And my friend from last night pushed through some "not for Christmas chocolate" ie I can eat it now if I like, I don't have to save it. :)

full bags

I'm really struggling at the moment. But I have my list from yesterday's blog so will try and work through that. Cub bag pack this morning means I won't so much carry strangers bags as fill them.

I'm really pleased I invited a friend over for tea - meant I've eaten something lovely, and enjoyed hanging out with her.

maybe this is mine - see last blog!

Love wholeheartedly.
Hug.cuddle. Stroke furry creatures.feel the warmth.
Smile at strangers, offer to carry their bags. Sing - ideally in harmony with others. If alone sing loud!.
Go outside and breathe really deeply.
Focus on something - anything, the toilet roll, a berry, your thumb - and really really look at it and appreciate its colour, texture and awesomeness.
Phone a friend.
Turn the music up and dance.
Eat something that's lovely.
Smell someone that's lovely.
Look at the trees, watch clouds, bend down to touch the grass.
Surprise someone with a random act of kindness.
Be kind to yourself always.
Love wholeheartedly.

 Always easier said than done. I'm finding it so hard to fit everything in now it's getting darker earlier. Good job I bought a glow in the dark ball to throw for the dog!! Bit nervous about "not leading" my church's choir tonight. And it means I don't get to smell my regular Friday evening friends. And tea tonight is definitely going to have to be the (by now separating in the fridge) trifle :s

poetry in motion

'We live our lives in prose instead of poetry. The challenge is to sustain vision in the reality of life.' Rev Richard Coles.

As I've mentioned before I'm not big into poetry, but I get this quote. I'm aware that at the moment the reality of trying to get through is obscuring the joy somewhat. Not enough contact with the idealists in my life, or maybe not enough opportunities to share my visions with those who like to encourage me?
This morning I'm lucky to have flexibility with work so am going in late so I can first go to my son's school poetry event.
Meanwhile here's a quote I saw on Facebook with some reminders of what can be fun:

"Be present. Make love. Make tea. Avoid small talk. Embrace conversation. Buy a plant, water it. Make your bed. Make someone else's bed. Have a smart mouth and a quick wit. Run. Make art. Create. Swim in the ocean. Swim in the rain. Take chances. Ask questions. Make mistakes. Learn. Know your worth. Love fiercely. Forgive quickly. Let go of what doesn't make you happy. Grow."
Gregg Braden.

I once swam in an outdoor heated pool when it was snowing. Too decadent for me to totally enjoy but also amazing. Today I have as always no intention of making my bed and will loosely interpret the invocation to make someone else's - I'll see where I might help someone out.if I have time later I'd like to write one of these of my own - maybe you also could think what it is for you that has you feel alive? Hope you too get to do lots of what helps you live/love/laugh :)

trifle

My interesting fact about trifle is that its name derives from the fact it has three layers: jelly, custard and cream. I'm not really a massive trifle fan but for some reason was in a trifle mood last night and found a kit in the cupboard only a few years out of date and so made one :)
Lots that overwhelmed me yesterday. I will be sooooooooooooooooooo glad when this paperwork related stuff hanging over me is done with. Sadly i do know that even when the current worries are finally dealt with, there will no doubt be further paperwork that needs attention.
But today is crammed even more than usual, I'll be out all day. Not sure when I will get a moment to buy provisions - maybe we will have to have trifle for tea?

trace / no trace

Maybe I don't get out enough? Yesterday's excitement came courtesy of a gas man who turned up when I reported a leak outside when I got home from work.
It was one of those times when I wasn't really sure whether to do anything or nothing. I got my son to give a second opinion and he could smell gas too so it wasn't just in my imagination. But it wasn't a strong smell so there's always the worry you're wasting someone's time. Anyway the kindly man answering the phone said I'd done the right thing, and the guy who turned up did locate the leak further down the road. I was very impressed by the thorough testing, he waved various machines around inside and out, and drilled holes in the pavement and all in all kept me entertained for a good couple of hours. A busy evening made busier, and I'm glad we didn't have to evacuate or anything, so this morning am focussing on being grateful.

NT means no trace of gas apparently. all clear from this hole outside my house :)

unseen

Amongst the large pile of accumulated stuff on my bedroom windowsill is a tiny pocket kite. I really ought to put it in a pocket as clearly it has no use on a windowsill. Except today my attention was caught as its tissue thin tail trailed over the sill edge and was lifted in the warm air currents rising from the radiator beneath. I watched it dance awhile and marvelled at the fact that I don't usually think about the air rising, I'm just glad when I feel the heat :)
A bit later I went over to the windowsill to get something else and shifted the tail to see if I could get it to rise more if the tail was longer. And couldn't get it back into a position to move at all. There's something there about greed I'm sure! I needed to get going for work anyway rather than admire air currents all day but I'm sure the image will stay with me a while. I hope you get to glimpse some wonders today too :)

goodies and baddies

We had a bit of time before the 2 minute silence to explain what it was about. I asked who we might want to remember in our time of quiet. In asking the question "who dies in wars?" one answer that came back was goodies and baddies. I was pleased that the children knew that people on "both sides" die in wars, but obviously wanted to explore this goodies/baddies concept further.
When we came to play our football later, I divided us up according to eye colour and asked why I might have done it that way. We got to talk about how we don't decide our eye colour and we don't decide where we are born, and that the side we find ourselves on in a war might be just as arbitrary. We talked about how God loves everyone equally :)
The children shared how townspeople can be killed in war, I got the opportunity to talk about conscientious objectors as someone hadn't come across that term before, and how some died in their front line roles as medics not fighters. We thought about how peace can begin with us.
Funny how after the event we can be glad we did it :)

humanizing opponents - will there be football?

I have spent several hours trying to pull things together for Sunday school today. Somehow it often seems to be the case that I'm on the rota for remembrance Sunday. As a white poppy wearing pacifist it it always a tricky service for me without the added pressure of wanting to honour the expectation that we will in Sunday school discuss remembrance fully, whilst also remain true to myself.
Despite hours of prep, I still don't feel ready. My plan is to focus on the Christmas day truce and I have a few other letters from soldiers on both sides talking about choosing not to kill others when confronted face to face. I'm hoping we'll talk about how we love our enemies and how peace begins with us. It feels a bit discussion-heavy, so not much of fun or interest for the younger ones. Maybe a game of football will be called for, see how that leaves them feeling?
 I think my anxiety is to do with people perhaps feeling I'm not doing it properly. But the few pages I read of my world changing book last night included the suggestion that we have to humanize our opponents.
From the very little I've seen of football, I know there's the potential to try and degrade those who are not on your own side. We'll see what happens!!

I know it's just the old doubt that others will think someone else would have done it better. Truth is I've put lots of prayerful preparation in and it's great that I'm doing this B-)

... I couldn't find a football so improvised. I imagine there was a lot of improvisation happened in the trenches. We used some plastic bags balled up and it made the whole game safer in its indoor venue. We had some good discussion.
I feel self conscious in my white poppy. I've not seen anyone else in my town wear one. Perhaps that comes of living near an army barracks in a town where many work for the local armament manufacturer. Maybe next year I could get a whole lot of white poppies on advance and do a display in church and really get conversations going?

achy breaky heart

My shoulders ache. I'm not sure if it's cos my body's not fully well, but I think it's the accumulated stress of such a trying week. A very kind alto offered me a shoulder massage, and a soprano gave me an unexpected and very welcome hug. And then singing o holy night was just what I needed, I'll miss them this next month.
I really need to take things gently today, tho there's a host of activities I need to get us to at different points. Bluebells to be planted at the cub hut - I'm hoping that will inspire us to then get our own bulbs planted. Then onto the church Autumn fair where I'll be taking the opportunity to plan Sunday school. I'm proposing we talk about peace making, I hope it's not controversial.
Then I'll be making the most of film club by using that time to be fed a curry, it sounds delicious and includes ingredients selected for their cold busting properties.
But none of this will happen unless I shift my aching bones out of bed.

peacock

There's something about peacocks that I'm drawn to - I suspect it's the seemingly impossible colouring. I have a fragmemy of a memory from a school trip as a child. I don't remember where we went but I do remember seeing an awesome strutting peacock.
The last of the four jigsaws (before I snaffle more up on sunday!) is one I knew would be hard. I'm actually not really enjoying it, it's too frustrating. But I find the feather colours mesmerising - it's as if the eyes on the feathers have a shimmering aura. Maybe I will frame it once I've done it (tho we all know I won't get 'round to that). My girly suggested taking it back and setting up a church jigsaw swap. I love her thinking, saves anyone having them unused on a shelf. But it's not something I want to take on.
Into work early today, quite a bit of making up of time to do. Ive spent more time this week than usual doing relaxing things like reading and jigsaws. I feel far from relaxed tho. hoping to have a gentle weekend!

sticking like glue

The poor dog gets really really frightened by fireworks. He crept around last night trying to stay as close as possible. Understandable really - one of the best things we can do when we're scared is stay close.
Still juggling work and a sick child today but at least I don't feel ill today. and the boiler is working - yay!!!!!!!!

I laughed at parts of this: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/nov/04/woman-tax-gender-con-french-feminists-equal-pay-day
tho of course its basis is outrageous. My girly has to wear tights to school and I'm glad my son won't have to when he starts high school.