you make me sing to the houseplants

Our fridge currently. A happy place.

This time yesterday morning I was jigging about feeling all uplifted and hopeful, focussed on how blessed I am with great friends. Whilst this hasn't changed at one level, as the day progressed I became increasingly dispirited. By the time bedtime came I was literally a quivering wreck and I've not slept much at all.
I'm trying not to beat myself up as to why I've let myself become so hung up on something instead of letting it go. The irony isn't lost on me that this mortgage process is making me so ill if I'm not careful I'll end up not being able to work and therefore pay the mortgage!!
So why is it so all-consumingly important?
When the children had an unexpected and unwanted massive change in their lives a few years back it quickly became apparent that trying to change anything else, even something little, to the house or a tradition, was difficult. For me I've had a few aims really - to focus on the 3 of us above everything else and our wellbeing, to try and have as reasonable a relationship as possible with their Dad, and to do what it takes to enable us to stay in this home they've grown up in.
The reason I've been so wound up about this mortgage application falling through is that I don't feel it's so simple as to start again in the new year - with my main contract expiring in March I don't feel I'll be particularly mortgagable, and so the pressure is on to sort it now. I keep telling myself that there are tons of other options, but I'm also aware that the divorce is contingent on me buying out my husband and I've signed that form saying I know I'll go to prison if I don't follow through.
Now the rational bit of me (which is there somewhere, honest!) tells me that no-one is going to send me to prison over this. What purpose would that serve? I'd be even less able to pay the mortgage and it's hardly a warning to anyone else is it - I don't think I could have tried much harder to make this process work (speaking of which I must leave enough time to email the solicitors encouragingly).

It is hard to keep believing people are doing their best when their mistakes mean that I get anxious. Every time I try to complain I first have to discuss my case and then discover another form that has expired and so my energy has to go to that. Maybe once it's done I'll file a complaint at that point but part of me feels foolish for taking on a bunch of solicitors and so the powerlessness kicks in.

But the truth is I am powerful. The saddest part for me yesterday was when someone turned nasty. No-one deserves anyone to be nasty to them, although I can see how when we feel crap that has to come out somewhere. My power resides in how I handle this and why would I be defeated by stupid paperwork? I'm off to sing to some houseplants and then into work - not so I can earn some money but so I can put my energies into way more constructive matters :)

... I've just spoken to the 13th different agent of the last 3 weeks - annoyingly I didn't make a note prior to that. What will I do with my 'spare' time when I no longer have to come in and phone them and ask them to check that the latest action they have undertaken has been received//acceptable.