being thoroughly nice

I'm in a bit of a grumpy place. It's probably lack of sleep, I'll try and get an earlier night tonight so I can get back to my cheery self. This morning I was beginning to feel quite irritated - not with anyone in particular cos no-one was to blame. It just was starting to feel unfair. I only wanted the internet to wish someone well and to send off my work report, it didn't feel like too much to ask to have internet access. Anyway it's back now so I shall just be grateful. But I can see how easy it is to start to feel aggrieved with the world, I could feel myself sliding into a "why do I bother" kind of place - if it's going to be so hard trying to do the right thing I might as well just do what the hell I like.
Fortunately for the world the internet is back on my computer so I shall continue to be compliant and nice and good and well behaved and sensible and...

... and take a photo of something I like. I like trees. And texture. So here is a tree I stroked today.

being understood

The choir that was on before the band we had specifically gone to see sang some fab songs, one I can't locate, but this I have found:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsEic8ORhqc
I love the way this songs tells us how wanted each and every one of us are.

Sometimes people speak so eloquently to my heart I cry with relief that I'm understood - I think it's really important to find people who can sustain our hope in ourselves. And sometimes people say things and the feeling that no-one "gets me" is so powerfully isolating it hurts. I don't think this is just me - I think others like to feel understood too. Songs, poetry, blogs - it's great when we come across someone who communicates that they have felt something similar and we feel relief that it's not just exclusively us who feels that particular way.

Apparently I've once again listened to too many such songs on spotify and exceeded my limit. So you tube shall be my companion as I work from home this morning. And I'm very much looking forward to seeing a friend later for a cycle. Hugs.

vertigo

This may not look very high up. And indeed, where I was standing to take this shot was not particularly high in the grand scheme of things. It was only driving up a pass later that my ears popped. However, taking just a few steps forwards - not upwards, just forwards - so I was then standing on top of the aqueduct and it felt dizzyingly high. It's all about context. So being actually high or low doesn't impact much when there's not much around to signify it. It's only when there is an immediate, relational difference that it matters. Ben tried to talk to me about difference in air pressure affecting our ears but it was too sciency for me to understand. What I did think what that it is about comparing, and that I found fascinating. So, nothing changed for me in terms of how high up I was, what did change was how low I could see my surroundings had become, and it was pretty terrifying. I figured that if I had really really wanted to cross it, I could probably have done so by focussing on only looking forwards. But I wasn't too bothered so didn't feel a need to push myself. And I was very glad I didn't have the kids to worry about.
Of course there are massive metaphors in this - if only I could focus on moving forwards instead of comparing. But it's bloody hard.

flexible

I'm hoping tomorrow is lots of fun. It feels as if it's been massively stressful trying to make all the arrangements to happen and I don't want to carry that stress into the day itself.

Last night I got to be a bass. (not the fish, I don't like fish, I do like basses. I'd secretly like to be one but I don't have anywhere near a low enough voice). One of the many things I like about my friday night choir is the flexibility. In the last few weeks I have sung tenor, bass (mainly an octave higher), alto and soprano. Tho not all at once. Some weeks we're a bit short of one section so I fill in cos I don't like to see people on their own. The 2 regular basses are lovely and when one is away I try to be supportive of the other, tho they do much better when both are there. And I've really missed our usual lady tenor. It's that impossibility of being in two places at once. I hope I don't regret trying to do two things tomorrow and will attempt to get some restful sleep rather than fret about it. What will be will be. Apparently. 

go for it...

my water bottle has been leaking all week. It has just taken 2 seconds to snip the bit of plastic that prevented the lid from fitting properly and so I can now jump on my bike confident that when I need to re-hydrate there will still be water there. And next week my work bag will no longer contain soggy documents. I could have fixed it days ago but never got round to it - why is that? I thought there was a second bottle in my car (it's a v hot day and Ben lives a long cycle away), but I only found about a dozen bread bags. I recycle them by taking my sandwiches to work in them, and often toss them onto the back seat after...
Tomorrow I'm giving lifts to folk so should really spend the afternoon tidying the car - but what I want to do is get on my bike - I'm excitied about seeing the sun on the water and that lovely stretch between the trees with the roots making the path all uneven. With the kids away it's an opportunity to do what I want rather than what is sensible so I'm trying to grab that - I don't often even recognise what I want rather than just what I _ought_ to do. And then once I decide something, i'm impatient to get on with it - I hate all that boring prep that comes with decorating, and in the same way, it's a faff having to put on suncream etc when I just want to GO! But I will, and I will locate a second bottle. A lifetime of being sensible is hard to chuck out just like that...

planning company

Cheap date that I am, my night off involved watching not just one but two DVDs that were both free from the library. And so we watched Anna Karenina and Dorian Gray, both films that I have to say I found a bit lacking in the hopefulness department.
I suddenly realise I need to plan other evenings. I'd focussed all my energy onto Sunday, which is set to be fab - singing at a festival then heading to Wales for a gig and a night in a B and B. Arrangements have mainly concentrated on getting the dog looked after, which is now sorted. But EVERY OTHER NIGHT OF THE WEEK isn't. Still, there will be some singing tonight, and a church breakfast tomorrow, and of course at some point I'm going to do all those jobs that need doing.
And without having school day restrictions it should be possible for me to get to work early as I'm supposed to on a Friday, so had best dash...

wishbone

7 months after the event, the mechanics finally seem to have sorted the creaking that developed following the pothole incident. As always in a garage environment, the explanation went over my head, but I smiled at the fact that it involved a wishbone. They also didn't charge me a penny, cos they thought they had fixed it last time. I'm stumped as to what kind of thankyou gift will be appreciated by a bunch of mechanics so if you have any suggestions, do share.
There were lots of similarly good things about yesterday. I don't know if it was cause and effect, but after Tuesday's big struggles about feeling unwanted, I received 3 lots of flowers yesterday. Still, I can't quite feel it - the wrench of being apart from my children just overshadows it all. Happily I'm taking the afternoon and evening off - hopefully that will help me get back in touch with my funnybone. I know it's in there somewhere...

when ye go away

Plans changed and last night I found out my inlaws/outlaws/no-longer-sure-what to-call-them are coming today. The only rule I managed to follow in my hospital party discharge pack was not to operate household machinery. Well, the hoover - I still used everything else. I figured that with the kids going away for 11 days I'll have plenty of time to get the house straight then. Only suddenly I want the house to appear shipshape and I look about to see it needs Herculean effort to make it look as if I've not cleaned for a week as it looks more like I've not cleaned for a year. Even the dead flies seems to be reproducing somehow. So I get to spend my last bit of time with the kids frantically tidying :(
Still, we have made inroads and it now means when they're not with me I could spend that time doing funner stuff...

suits of armour/amore

"we will show both hurt and hope" is a line in a hymn I'm fond of. To be honest, I'm not sure I'm capable of doing much else - how do people not have their hearts on their sleeves? Maybe I was out smelling the roses when the class on Masks And How To Wear Them was taking place.
Sometimes a bit of protection would be nice tho. I'm all for being real but being vulnerable can be too hard at times. Today I shall be remembering that I can be what I want to be, do what I want to do. Perhaps I shall get in touch with my inner actress and go for outrageous lies and mass deception... Anything is possible!!

Not knowing

One of the reasons I've never been drunk is I'd hate to not know what happened whilst I was too inebriated to be aware. So one of the odd things about my op was putting 2 and 2 together afterwards as to what might have happened. The sore throat – presumably grazing from an airway put into me after I was anaesthetised and removed before I woke up so I never got to see it. Those red marks on my cheekbones – perhaps where it was taped down.

I guess much as I like to think I'm usually fully aware of what's in my life, the truth is I'm not. I've only got a bit of a glimpse according to how I'm experiencing it. Today I'm feeling downhearted – the impending departure of my children for such a long stretch again; a feeling of losing the battle to do all the stuff that needs doing; and sadness that my attempts to love as fully as possible are not always welcomed. I think I shall remind myself that I of course cannot grasp the bigger picture and just need to stay focused on my mission to love, love, love. The hoovering can wait, I'm off to smile at strangers...

several simultaneous worlds

I've started the eighth book in a series so have quickly re-immersed myself in its world. I enjoy that feeling when I'm part way through a good novel of co-existing in a couple of lands simultaneously. Managing to be present in reality yet being only a hair breadth away from another fictional place. I do this with people too. They may not be physically with me but their presence in my life is so strong that the distance means nothing. I guess that's the power of imagination and I love it!

the sun is shining

i can feel myself smiling this morning. After what has been such a difficult week on so many levels, it feels great to be out early in the sun, my only plans for the day to watch the kids enjoy themselves in the sea. ive been singing bob marley songs and today, life is good. hope it is for you too...

it will not always be like this

I've been trying to pack for the weekend's camping trip. I can't imagine being anything other than boiling hot. My head (which hasn't improved much since yesterday) is telling me that at night it may actually get cool. I have stood outside in the slightly cool evening air and managed to hold onto my resolve even when I get back to the inferno upstairs where I am packing. There is now a fleecy shirt in my bag.
I have also taken out the small book that I don't really want to read and replaced it with the heavy hardback that I actually do want to read. I am learning.
Hopefully I'll feel well enough to go to tomorrow's morning meeting. And then take it easy enough to be well enough to drive to Silverdale - where I will miss the internet (well my friends that are on it) but will enjoy some quality time with my friend and our kids. I'm aware that I really miss people when I'm not with them - but I also know that nonetheless I can simultaneously enjoy the company of whoever I'm with if I choose to. I feel I'm getting better at living in that moment and connecting with whoever is there - even the anaethestist this week. So, much as I'd have liked to have had someone I knew already and loved holding my hand in that moment, I couldn't. So I loved the ones who were there. They were a friendly bunch so that was alright!!

I hope you have a love and joy filled weekend whatever your location and temperature xx

absorbing and radiating

This will surprise no-one whatsoever, but I wasn't very good at doing nothing and so perhaps over did it yesterday. I feel tired today but have several events scheduled - they should be ok cos I can walk slowly between them instead of my usual dashing, and they all involve sitting down once I get there.
One of my favourite things to do is touch walls on hot days to compare how much heat different surfaces have absorbed - I love walking past a wall and feel it radiate heat at me. I think we're a bit like that too - we absorb stuff and we radiate stuff. Sometimes we can be clever converters - I feel I've learned ways of listening to people's hurts but not taking them on board as my hurts. I don't so much absorb their pain as hear it and hold it. My own pain I try and deal with - partly by sharing with other good holders of pain, so that I don't radiate that. I definitely feel a dulled version of myself today - and that's absolutely fine. I have low expectations and will be what I will be - and will include being v kind and gentle with myself :)

hazy

a friend warned me my head might feel cloudy after the general and she's right - I can't quite keep a grasp on thoughts and can't focus on reading things more than a sentence or two long!! I am used to having razor sharp thinking (in the main) so don't like this murk, or the way I can no longer think what I was about to do. I probably shouldn't be attempting to do anything ;) I'm not really experiencing much pain so that's good tho swallowing is still hard from where my throat presumably got grazed by the airway tube. Is it bizarre to have been interested by having another new novel experience - that I can now relate maybe a little better to others who have ops?
Oh yes, and I'm not supposed to be making important decsions according to my discharge blurb. Given the book I'm reading is all about how little decisions could be important, how can I work out what's an important decision? ;)
Am going to loll on the sofa a while and try doing nothing...

bug hurrah for the NHS and all lovely caring people everywhere

Before going in for today's op, the TV in the waiting room kept showing news of failing hospitals - really not what you want to see just before you put your life in someone's hands. But all I saw was professionalism, genuine care and fab cleanliness. I'm sad for anyone whose experiences are not the same, but also think those who work for the NHS deserve a big big thankyou. I'm still feeling woozy, but not really sore yet. I'm v grateful for all the love and care I've been shown today. I'm glad I came back - I wept with relief when I woke up, and so a lovely nurse stoked my forehead - how did she know to do that - I bet that wasn't on my notes as perfect aftercare. Tho it does mean I've not got out of having to apply for a mortgage. Will leave that for now tho and focus on nothing much for a bit. Love you all xx

midnight feast

If anyone feels I'm being melodramatic, then I'd like to say It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to ;) I do _know_ people have ops all the time and it's absolutely fine for them. But I'm still feeling v scared by the very loud doubt in my head that goes BUT WHAT IF I DON'T WAKE UP? and that's fine, it's how I feel. It's been an interesting day - I've discovered it's hard to live each day as if it's your last cos that's too flipping emotive and I wouldn't be able to eat cos how do you swallow food if you are that churned up? How on earth do people enjoy their last supper before the electric chair? A friend invited me round for a brew, which was perfect as I happened to be doing a home visit almost next door. She offered me an apple which I declined - if it is my last day I'd much rather be eating cake, so have brought something nice and chocolatey to share with the kids when they get home. I'm allowed to eat til midnight so am planning on a midnight feast - as my daughter said, the sort that she has, i.e. at 11 cos it's too hard to stay up til midnight itself.
I've been advised that general anaesthetic can make your mind cloudy, so I would like to apologise now for the nonsensical blog that I shall next post. (See, I've also spent the day planning things for the next few days cos then I will HAVE to wake up and not succumb to the delight of not being in control and so not bothering to wake up).

I have several books in order to complete my son's library reading challenge, and bookmarks they've made and a postcard from a friend. Tho as another friend pointed out, I shall probably end up listening to the worries of the others there - that's certainly what happened at my pre-op :)
See you on the other side. Big love xx

thinking the best

Lonely old day yesterday tho I tried to busy myself with jobs I won't be able to do later this week – I'm not supposed to lift anything more than 5lbs in weight which is barely anything and is going to be a massive challenge!

I also got to notice how hard it can be for some folk to think the best of others. I know I can find it hard at times, and I know we're surrounded by a culture than promotes competition and judgement. Still, it surprises me when I hear people critical of what others are wearing, how they are parenting, the choices they have made. What does it serve to be so undermining of others? And yet in that very observation, I am being critical of them myself. I know they too are doing the best they can in that moment, and tho I know that can sound patronising, I mean it.

I'm not yet sure what I'll occupy myself with today, but I've decided it's definitely not going to be my tax form...

it's only FEAR

I've just shared a pic on facebook about the negative voices speaking to us again. They're certainly loud in my head at the moment, but I am a creative woman and I fashioned a body out of my duvet to hug all last night :D

The pic said the voices are just
False Evidence Appearing Real

and who wants the fear to win? So today I shall try to change it to
Lots Of Vociferous Encouragement

and be gentle with myself in the meantime rather than be cross with myself for having the fear to begin with.

not ridiculous

A friend tells me that after a general anaesthetic, patients can be emotional. I'm finding it hard to imagine an even more emotional version of myself. I'm already massively wobbly today but am convincing myself that it's not ridiculous to be terrified - it's an understandable reaction to the unknown and I'm just in touch with my emotions rather than trying to suppress them. Or something. Thankfully I have two upbeat events today - I'm helping out at a creative parks happening this afternoon and have a fun party this evening. I think it's going to be crucial to stay connected with people...

Laughing out loud

No time at my desk today – early into work and then straight from there to my pre-op appointment. I'm taking a humourous book by Mil Milington in case I need to pass the time. I started it last night to check it was worth taking and it has the kind of style I enjoy that reminds me of Mr Bean, and at its extreme, The Inbetweeners, where something is so excruciating it's funny in that squirmy kind of way. I've decided against taking the Captain Underpants one my son has lent my from his library – I just can't picture being seen reading it without any children in tow, tho I would so like to not care what other people thought. I'm v pleased that my kids have now both set up libraries, complete with challenge cards (e.g read 2 books in one day – what kind of life do they think I have?) and account numbers and everything. As long as they don't issue me a PIN I have to remember, or fines, I should be ok. I achieved one goal yesterday, of lying on the lilo in the pool. The water is going ominously cloudy again so I've shoved more chemicals in and will endeavour to reach my next pool target of reading on the lilo. See, I do know how to have fun really...

grump

Nothing is behaving today. Something is leaking in the kitchen. There was no hot water for a shower. And to begin with this morning, Spotify was playing random songs of its own choosing rather than the ones I was clicking on. I've had 2 calls about things that haven't gone to plan cos of miscommunication. I don't know what the learning is in this, but I'm not really enjoying it. I'm off to run a group now and will try to connect with the sunshine on the way. Hopefully by the time I'm back to cuddle my kids later I shall be my usual shiny happy self.

permission slip

I don't think we have all the same needs. But I do think a lot of us want to be understood, valued, believed in. Sometimes we don't get that from the people we'd like to. We can always give it to ourselves tho. I've just shared an image on fb that I love – here it is. Interestingly, I don't know if I'm “allowed” to copy it here, but I just did.

So, go sign your own permission slip today :D

assume nothing

Another last line in a song that haunts me is from Shakespear's Sister “Hello” and goes “Life is a strange thing - just when you think you learned how to use it it's gone.” That and Joni Mitchell's "you don't know what you've got til it's gone" from Big Yellow Taxi. Both lines always seem to jump out at me.

A bit like parenting, just when you start to get comfortable and think you've cracked a particular challenge, things change and along comes another situation to try and deal with :) Maybe other people have less change-filled lives, maybe more, I don't know. But my experience seems to be that we can't assume anything will stay the same for any length of time. That could sound sad – I guess it depends on your view of change. It could be exciting and remembering that everything could change helps me appreciate what is here now as it may not be there tomorrow.

I'm off to run a workshop this morning so can't hang about. I love leading workshops – I think because of the way I like to defy the temptation to “perform” instead of relate. It's ALL about relationships. At least that is what I've learned... maybe I'm about to learn something else ;)

ray of sunshine?

It was so warm that unusually, I slept with the window open. I say slept, but actually was disturbed by the church bells ever quarter hour, and the dog barking with each passing hedgehog. Today is again incredibly sunny. The kids are on countdown to their school holidays but I'm not as excited as they are as it feels like I'm not going to see all that much of them as they are away so often.

Clearly I'm being drawn to seeing the negatives not the positives so far today. I shall keep working on that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2DnUxLISFcA

General

I will have to have a general anaesthetic for my op, which is likely to be in the next 4-6 weeks. I've never had a general before and for someone who likes to be in control At All Times, I'm a bit freaked out by it. And a little intrigued – I wonder what it will be like, the letting go. Maybe I'll be able to learn something from it...

what has touched your heart?

I still have a sense of being loved up, which is impressive given just how much I was yelled at by a child this morning. Nonetheless, I'm feeling the love come in from all directions, and it's good :) I'm in a chilled place - my morning meeting has been cancelled leaving me time to play with for sorting all my other things that need sorting.

A few phrases have stuck with me from the weekend. Yesterday's musical journeys included catching Hotel California on the radio - the last line has always haunted me: "You can check out any time you like but you can never leave." I'm certainly not going to attempt an exogesis here, but I was again struck how things/people/events stay with us, are not lost to us forever, even when they change.

The other phrase, from Saturday, is much easier to see its positive angle. The question used to prompt our feedback to the whole group was "What's touched your heart?" This is a fantastic question. In facilitating anything I'm usually pulled to ask an evaluative "head" question - "what have you learned, what have you found useful." But I LOVE this question and shall be asking it whenever I can.

So, what has touched your heart this morning? Savour it :D

rapids

We all had a fantastic time at the waterpark. I'm so tired now tho, you can perhaps hear my grumpy outbursts from wherever you are? The kids spent most of their time in the rapids section - a loop with strong currents that pulls people round, so getting out once you're in is tricky. I could see the enjoyment potential - had I not been responsible for the safety of 3 kids, I would probably have relished it much more - surrendering to the lack of control, enjoying the ride, a very bodily experience of rubbing against flesh of every shade and shape. And I could understand their thrill - my daughter indeed explained that the fun was in the attempting to get out - the half hearted grabs at one another before being dragged around again.Still, I liked it better when I gave up on trying to keep my eye on all of them and get them out when they seemed to want to get out only didn't really.
My favourite bit of the park was the powerful plummeting water that I stood under to get a good neck massage. And laying back in the incredibly bright sun in the outdoor section. The irony wasn't lost on me that we were enjoying being outside in the water whilst our £300 pool sat at home empty. But it's refilling as we speak and hopefully with the heatwave predicted to last, I shall get to float on my back imagining cloud shapes (see how I've already forgotten just how freezing the water was? float on my back in it??!).
My favourite moment of the day was the singing on the way - our guest readily joined in and also shared a song we didn't know, which was lovely. And my heart grew when we taught him a song (I can only find this clip below - there's a brief bit of it in the middle but you get the gist). It goes "I love the people of..." and each verse then has a place name - so we did our home town, and where our relatives live, and the country where our guest is going to go on holiday, etc and ended with the galaxy. I'm massively proud of moments like that of my parenting, where my kids are unashamedly teaching their friends songs about loving people they've never met.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kYva6osNDo

So, I'm ready for a good sleep, but I have a very content smile, at the love I know I have and share.

scorchio

I suspect today is going to be a long day. This time in a couple of hours we shall be on a hot motorway, heading to Stoke for the day as that is the waterpark my son wants to go to for his very early birthday celebrations. We're going to sing cub songs in the car. I know some of them work on a repetitive circling basis (Found a peanut, found a peanut, found a peanut yesterday...) I'm hoping the traffic flows smoothly.

Given the predicted temperatures, before we leave, I'm hoping to finish scrubbing out the base of the pool, so I can start getting new water in it that can then heat up during the day. Given that the scrubbing was what I was doing when it got so dark to see last night, I'm aware that once again i've not taken time to down tools/sky gaze. But even a couple of minutes of that lifts the soul, so I shall make a minute to do so. Still, yesterday had a great mix of the physical and practical, as well as the mental and spiritual. It was a good day, tho there were several moments when I wish I could have just hugged distant people reassuringly. I tried but texts, fb msgs and thought waves just aren't the same!

I hope any sun you have today is not overbearing, and that you make the most of it :D

not wrong

I wonder what it is that scares me about people who are convinced that they are right (and are equally convinced that I couldn't be right as well). I wonder if they scare other people too? Or if other people are less intimated as maybe they have more confidence that it doesn't matter if others want to think they're right and i'm not. I'm pretty OK at not taking it to heart, tho it can be tricky when it feels as if you're in a minority of one in a room full of people.

I can get doubtful of my right to participate when I hear people speak and make claims on my behalf that I don't share, such as “the most important thing for us as Christians is that we bring people to Christ” and I momentarily think perhaps I'm wrong to say I'm a Christian. But then I remember that that is their interpretation and I have my own. My own interpretation might be that to be a Christian I want to be Christ like and love as well as I possibly can. So for me it matters not a bit if others want to be a Christian or not, I have no compulsion to make them see things from my perspective, or insist that my way is the only way. For others that is THE most important thing, that if a person is not “saved” then there simply is no point. Does that make either of us wrong or right – not in my eyes. It's emotive stuff, so listening can get hard. Bringing people together to discuss it is a good thing, tho only if it then empowers us to go out with more awareness that we're not all the same – not if we then spend a whole lot of time justifying ourselves.

We're a funny bunch :)

Togetherness is all I'm after

I just signed up for this – it sounds fab – I make no promises for it being so. But I love it when people get stuck into being part of their community.

http://www.streetbank.com/splash/10?utm_expid=17809215-5&utm_referrer=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.streetbank.com%2Fsplash%2F10

I'm off on a course in the morning that I'm excited about – lots of people wanting to love others. I may never see any of these people again or it may be the start of new and lasting friendships. Either way, the love in the moment will be what matters. Maybe that's why I'm not so het up on building trust but just get on with trusting instantly – I'm not too fussed about knowing where or when the relationship will end. Togetherness in the now is what's important to me. I'm still trying to be a lily of the field and not worry about any tomorrows. For all of you in my now, thankyou :D

can you feel it?

I know I like to feel my emotions fully but yesterday was plain ridiculous. Exemplified by (but not limited to) the moments following my discovery of my pendrive, where I travelled from disbelief through tempered anticipation (just in case it was a different pendrive) to giddy elation. I'd quite like to insulate myself from such dizzying extremes today. But to participate in life is to feel, so I guess I'll shrug off my comfort blanket and get out there again. So just had a little cry at this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4jgUcxMezM

and a smile at this:

http://www.upworthy.com/the-most-heartwarming-use-of-duct-tape-youll-ever-see?c=ufb1

and am off out there (well, not the ocean... just off to be the change, be the love, and hopefully at some points, just be...)

stressors

my attempts to have a stress reducing day are not quite going to plan. So far I have unexpectedly...
crawled under my car in my work uniform at the garage to retrieve the dog ball
started the hunt for childcare for my next hosp appt on mon
seen my solicitor to start divorce settlement discussions
failed to find a time when the massage place is open when I'm not at work
and spotted a typo I can't do anything about

on the plus side, I have...

treated myself to my favourite cake
had a "moan-call" with a friend
and invented a song entitled "I don't know the difference between procedures and protocols"

just a bit more balance swinging towards the good and it'll be reet.

sky gazing

I woke 2 and a half hours before my alarm, my head crammed so full of worries and things I needed to remember to do that I could no longer sleep. That's not good. Thankfully it's unusual and I'm taking it as a sign that I need to do something now before I get ill.
So my staring at the sky co-incided with the dawn chorus - it was lovely (no rain!), and I managed to lay down some of my burdens before crawling back to bed, from where I of course then didn't want to emerge when the proper time came.
Today I'm going to be so nice to myself it will be unrecognisable. I might even read a book during daylight hours. And go back to staring at the sky - just cos I've done it once already doesn't prohibit further time away from it all... And if you need to stop and smell the flowers too, I hope you manage to do so.

can you feel the love tonight

Incredibly, given that the films I most enjoy are “kids” ones, I have to confess I've never seen The Lion King. This week I'm motivated to watch it having both enjoyed a blog recommending it, and my daughter has just sung a medley of songs at her school concert. So I'll check out the library tomorrow and see if we can view it after my course this saturday.

I've just reached the chapter on rest in one of the books I'm reading. The irony is I read it in the 2 min burst of “me time” that other than my blog, seems to be all the downtime I have at the moment. I'm finding the never-ending tasks a bit much right now, so a reminder of the importance of rest is timely. The chapter speaks of unscheduled time, of lying on our backs and just being. So tomorrow morning in the window of opportunity between taking the car to the garage (again!) and running group, I'm going to go outside and lie on my back. No matter what the weather. Probably on the trampoline rather than the grass – I know where my grass has been. And next time the sun shines, I will go and lie in some grass elsewhere. I need to reconnect a bit...

take courage my soul

Yesterday was a tough day. If I had a swear jar, there'd be enough in it for us all to go out for icecreams. I fancy a caramel one – what about you?

But today is a brand new day. Once again it has a lot in it, but I'm pleased I made a decision not to try and be in two places at once. It means I'm once again not getting to my choir tonight so let's sing together now instead. Here's them (and it is a them not an us, I wasn't in this either) singing one of my favourite pieces.

http://www.onevoice.org.uk/sound-details.php?s=47&id=114&catID=1&page=1

needle in a haystack

Last night I cruelly dreamed that I found my pen drive in my purse where it should have been all along. So of course I double checked as soon as I woke up and no, it's not there. Maybe it was a metaphor instead about having what I need after all. In real life, where I'm not about to meet the queen from her yellow limo in my daughter's slippers (why?!) I will need to tell my boss. As it contains no patient data, I shouldn't be fined the £250,000, but I still feel v stressed about the whole thing. I've not had time to make a thorough search – and it feels so impossible – it is so small and my clutter is so large! And it could be anywhere – do I start ringing all the places I've been to in the last few weeks? I'll ask my boss today. And because it has no label on it (kick myself much?) no-one is going to just return it – I will have to do the hunting all by myself.

So “it's all down to me”, not having done well enough, big responsibility and being overwhelmed, all in one lost pen drive. All my buttons at once – no wonder I'm stressed!!! So to counter it, I will share my concern today, remind myself of how lovely I am, and make time to take small steps to keep searching... Hope you also get to enjoy life's lessons too - no beating up allowed!!

boldy going

I'm still experiencing a cacophony of emotions. My pendrive isn't in the final place I hoped it might be. But on the plus side, I really enjoyed watching the beautiful - in audio and visual terms - set that Mumford played last night. I saw it on the TV, obviously, not at the glastonbury festival itself. But it got me looking forward to the festival I will be going to at the end of the summer. I'm really pleased I've taken my kids to that since they were tiny - it feels like a good thing to do with them.

In terms of sharing inspiration, I recently posted this on fb, but I know some of you are not my fb friends, so here it is for you too:

http://latinafatale.com/2011/07/21/how-to-talk-to-little-girls/

I love this. It's challenging, and I think applicable for most people I talk to. I understand the particular importance when talking with young girls, but would argue it's vital for older girls too, and teenagers – and indeed people of all ages and genders. I realise I've recently been pulled into commenting on what people wear when generally I don't really care what people look like. But it can seem like an easy conversation. I'm going to rethink it tho. I'd MUCH rather know what people think or are reading. I'm v grateful for this article encouraging me to take that stand.

I'm sorry that this is in bold today. I can't seem to take it off. Maybe it's a sign about needing to be bold today? Whether you need to be bold, gentle, or silly, hope it's right for you :D