lick of paint

I've spent far too much of this evening wielding a gun trying to fill cracks. I don't recommend it. I now have a more practical concept of the phrase 'papering over the cracks' as considerable chunks of the wall fell out when I removed the paper. I'm not even supposed to be decorating. I have tons of other stuff that has to be done. But not much went to plan today and so I thought I may as well do something else that wasn't in the plan, like repaint the sun. Interestingly I notice that I don't want to make a clean start and paint new colours, I just want a fresher version of the same thing. Maybe it's cos I'm still pleased with the decisions I made first time round. Maybe I'm just not ready for wholesale change. I've also started the next installment of my seemingly unending adventure with assassins. My new job starts in earnest tomorrow and maybe I want something reassuringly familiar to escape to.

no regrets

This is my last tuesday working form home as next week my redeployed job kicks in properly. I shall be working from home instead on a monday which feels less ideal but I'm sure I'll find advantages in it.

Two quotes spoke to me yesterday, and so I wonder if I think I'm failing at something? “Some goals are so worthy it's glorious even to fail” and KT Tunstall talking on the radio saying that when recording a live album a mistake isn't a mistake but a version. I had a boss once who said we never make a bad decision, we just sometimes get outcomes we don't expect. He was an ace boss, another believer that we are always doing the best we can.

So, this is my live album – there are no retakes or editing. And so everything that feels like a mistake really isn't, I have no regrets, I'm just going to make the most of this version on my life :)

already??

Apparently May starts this week (deleted expletive here). This means I don't get chance to draw breath/clear the unsold boxes of books from my room from the last fundraiser before diving straight into the next (which ideally I'd have sorted before now). The kids, as it was their event and not mine, raised £265.46, but more importantly know that in deciding to do something, their school, church and community came behind them to encourage and support them.

And I guess, as I rush around wishing i'd got organised for Christian Aid Week sooner, that's what I need to remember – I have the support of my family, church and community and I'm not doing anything on my own.

the message is love

“How can anyone ever tell you that you're anything less than beautiful

How can anyone ever tell you that you're less than whole

How can anyone ever forget that your living is a miracle

And how deeply you're connected to my soul”

Libby Roderick

A friend I'm lucky to love sent me these words on a card and it's just the message that I want to be spreading. Yesterday was amazing and I shall have this song in my head again today and sing it as loudly as I can to all I meet. Every single one of us is amazing and deserves to be encountered as such. Go tell everyone how miraculous they are!!

to reiterate

I know love overcomes fear
I know love overcomes
I know love
Know love!
LOVE!

bring 'em all in

Tomorrow may be challenging. My fab children - who sometimes drive me to despair, and sometimes seem to half kill each other, have come together, along with some of my daughter's friends from school, to organise a fundraising event. So we're opening up the house to maybe 3, maybe 300 people - I don't know (scared, me, with my love of knowing what is going to happen?) It's been well advertised and there will be a very long banner outside our house to attract passers by. I'm hoping the weather will be fine as several of the planned activities involve water. Inside there will be cakes and jumble and numerous guess the name/amount etc kind of games.
Already £28 has been raised from people who wanted to come but couldn't. I don't know if tomorrow there will be disappointment that the effort put in doesn't equal the amount of people coming/money raised. Or if it will be incredibly chaotic and the cakes will run out. I just don't know.
What I do know is that I've not hesitated (well maybe only a little) to support my kids in something they wanted to do. I've not batted an eyelid about strangers coming into my bedroom to rummage through the boxes of books for sale. And I'm really glad about that. I have a wonderful home and feel it's good to let anyone and everyone in - I don't feel a need to protect it. Bit like my heart really :D

Coming or going

I no longer have my dependable crystal clear brain. It has served me well in the past and I shall miss it. What I'm particularly pleased with tho is how accepting I am being of its loss rather than getting frustrated and berating myself. I'm surviving so far without it and today's confusion had the advantage of a friend visiting a day earlier than expected. She's a brilliant friend – the kind who knows me so well she could see where I'm getting stuck and was able to point out what was trapping me. The kind who when I admitted my deepest fear didn't recoil in disgust, but reassured me that even if that worst scenario occurred, I would still be totally loveable.

And so I've been given an extra day of freedom. I wonder what other benefits will come from a diminished memory...

stuffing

My recurring nightmare had a new twist last night. I was unable to text info to the police because my phone was encrusted with chocolate. I'd scoffed far too much sweet stuff again last night and went to bed feeling ill. So the plan is I'm going to start taking better care of myself – If I don't do it, who is? I'm still only partway through my fab book on being my best friend, and the current section is on taking care of yourself and the test revealed a minus score. I know I'm good at looking after others but I never seem to get round to it for myself. Every morning I offer my kids a multi vitamin tablet and every morning I fail to open my own packet right next to it. So today, I am going to phone one of my lovely friends who I don't think I've spoken to yet this year, instead of taking phonecalls from mums in need. I am going to have lunch before going to run the group instead of just having a piece of cake when I'm there. And I guess I'm going to have to look at that big hole that I keep trying to fill with chocolate.

Blessings in disguise?

25 years ago, someone said to me they they felt I was a blessing sent from God. I'm sure it's different for different people, but for me saying something like that was a brilliant affirmation. My confidence took a big knock last week and I'm still trying to pick myself up from it and I realise it's in part linked to this. It's really important to me to make a positive difference – it's why I do what I do for my paid work, and it's why I do what I do with the rest of my time too. So to face the fact that sometimes I have a negative impact is hard – and yet inevitable. Just by existing I consume resources which has consequences. Things I say and do can trigger people's hurts even if I have the best of intentions. So I do need to come to terms that I cannot and will not always be a force for good, no matter how much I would like to be. And I notice that I'm not so harsh on others as myself (a lesson I'm still trying to learn) - I do know it's all about being not doing. And I'm aware that our impact happens outside of our control, and so something I do that may initially seem to have a negative effect may then go on to be the trigger for something amazing.

I am thoughtful, I don't go around acting irresponsibly and I intend to continue with my reflective way of trying to do the best I can. And I need to let go of feeling guilty about the chain reactions I initiate. I am convinced that we are all blessings whether that's easy to see at first or not...

Irritating?

For around 4 years I've really struggled with irritated ears – I'm forever scratching inside them which frustrates my boyfriend no end. Sometimes I manage to remove some dead skin or wax and feel a moment of satisfaction, but mainly I make it worse and sometimes I hurt the skin so much I can't sleep. I've tried various things from the doctor but nothing has helped. I am terrified that one day I'll do myself some permanent damage – listening to people and listening to music/singing is pretty much my life and I don't want to imagine life without them (and that's not a lesson I need to have disproved, thanks). But that fear doesn't prevent me from scratch scratch scratching – I have no discipline and can't stop myself.

My boyfriend has also pointed out that I have a rubbish conflict avoidance strategy. It's true – again, I have no patience and will scratch at stuff and sometimes make it worse. So maybe I need discipline and patience there too. I think that much as I don't like conflict, my natural inclination is not to avoid it, I can't let it be but worry away at it, working out what I can do to move the situation forwards rather than let that conflict eat away at all of us involved, or leave it unresolved - life feels too short to live it in any way other than love delight and harmony with one another. Some people see me as tenacious and courageous. Others stupid. A theory of co-counselling is that there is nothing that has to separate us from one another. No matter how irritating my scratching is to others I shall hold onto that hope whilst I learn new ways of healing.

racing

I helped lead some worship tonight on “The Race”. I decided life was like a fun run as for too long I've been living it like a marathon whilst carrying the world on my shoulders so it's been good to lighten up a bit. We reflected on the concept of winning. Not being a sporty type, the example I brought was from Pixar's Cars, whereas the other worship leader had great examples of real people choosing to forfeit first place by helping someone else. I'm not really into winning/losing/competing but I understand people's compulsion to be the best they can be. And I'm all in favour of supporting one another to get each other to a place where we can then celebrate and rest awhile. You'll find me on the bench with my placards of encouragement and sweets in my pocket.

Not knowing the narrative

Someone was upset with me this week because I wasn't able to share as to why I was upset. I explained that it didn't make sense for me to tell a whole story – it's what's underneath the story that is always way more important. We often thirst for the details when actually all we need to do is just be alongside. I sobbed my way through the church service again this morning (and if I can't lay my burdens down there, where can I?). One lovely person came to hold my hand. A couple of other lovely people gave me a hug. People offered to listen but actually all I needed was the reminder that I'm not on my own. I just have unresolved hurts – like all of us – and am getting plenty of lessons/opportunities to deal with them. 

raw

I heard on the radio yesterday that Maslow's hierarchy of needs has been revised and at the top they now suggest it's about finding a partner, having children with them and keeping them for life. For those of us for whom this isn't possible, I guess we have to stick with self actuation, which generally I do pretty well with.

However, my hurt is so raw at the moment I can almost feel it bristling from my skin, sparking like static. Friends have been fab, helping to remind me of what is good – we all need people who can encourage us and keep us grounded in the reality of our loveliness when we're overwhelmed by the fear, the old unhealed doubts. I'm aware that I wouldn't like to be in the public eye, where people feel able to constantly say stuff about a person that is untrue or unkind. I don't get the allure of fame and maybe that's because I realise so much of the attention would not be positive. We live in a world where it seems ok to be critical, where in trying to build up a person we think it's ok to tear down anyone else, as if that's how we big people up, by making out they're better than someone else. Compassion for all seems so much more logical to me - being thoughtful towards everyone whether they first appear to be saint or sinner, doing well or getting it wrong big style. I've learned about leadership oppression where people get attacked just for taking leadership – I certainly would be reluctant to put myself forwards for something cos being got at is not nice. Of course I know the answer is not to take to heart what people say or think – whether someone says we're fantastic, or shit, what actually matters is holding onto the truth for ourselves that we are doing the best we can and that that is good enough.

awesome wonder

I just read a comment that spoke about how people have rays of awesome shining from their face. I like the word awesome – it can be used in various ways and is such a wholeheartedly encouraging word. I can bring to mind a few faces of people who have love clearly radiating from their eyes and it's fab to see. Some people's awesomeness is sometimes less shiny – they've become scared of letting it burst from them – we can doubt if it's ok to be full of ourselves, when what else should we be full of? Being full of an awareness of how lovely we are doesn't mean we then have no capacity to see the loveliness of others. In fact, if we fill the space we're meant to occupy there's no space for the holes of doubt that can leave us punctured and more likely to want to hide away, or hurt others. I know I'm at my best me when I am in touch with my worth, that my "reduced" self has much less to offer (tho of course doesn't mean I'm any less worthy...) 

I think we're all amazing and love it when I come across people who don't feel they have to deny that – they know they are awesome and know that everyone else is just as awesome, no more, no less. It's not about arrogance as that would mean they thought they were greater – it's just about knowing we are great and seeing everyone else's greatness too. So, continue to be awesome, you awesome wonder, and I shall too :D

Spinning plates

A busy friend described her life as trying to keep lots of plates spinning at the same time. I can relate to that – it often feels like a constant running round trying to manage all my paid work and the parenting and the pets and all the many important relationships I have as well as not let the house go to ruin and remember to eat and look after myself too. I don't always manage it and it feels like a plate slips off and crashes to the floor and smashes to smithereens. But maybe I'm just being overly melodramatic.

take the weather with you

I felt really unsettled last night. I guess it was just because of how blustery it was outside. Worrying about stuff outside my control. Wondering how the land would lie come morning. I realise I quite like change – I'm the sort of person who deliberately chooses different roads to see if they'll get me home a new way – I love to be in places I've never been before. And yet as well as exhilarating, change is also scary. And so I opened my curtains with a little trepidation this morning – would I find tiles from the roof that I'd have to deal with? Paper from my recycling bin in need of rounding up?

I'm often interested in the interaction of people and the world – and that includes the weather. My favourite kind of geography is the human social kind, looking at how our environment impacts upon people, and vice versa. I sometimes think people are missing out on connecting more deeply when talk is “just” about the weather. But where we live and all that comes with that affects us all – so I shall try and listen with compassion today. And I hope you enjoy whatever weather you have.

Divine imaginings

Following a fab discussion started by an atheist friend, last night I asked myself an interesting question. If at the end of my life I found out that God doesn't exist after all, do I think I'll have any regrets, or wish I'd lived my life differently? Clearly it's not easy to fully imagine the situation. But I think that it'd be fine. I don't feel I do anything just because of “religion”, I don't think I'd feel I'd wasted my time/life. There has been the odd boring sermon, to be honest, time I'm never getting back – but usually even in the dullest of services there's some nugget of inspiration. If I discovered God doesn't exist, I don't think I'd feel too foolish – I'm not the sort of person who encourages others to believe what I believe so I don't feel I've tried to convert anyone - shown people love, yes; insist I have all the answers, no. I don't think I'd feel like I'd denied myself – how galling would that be for folk who have lived a particular way only because of some unfulfilled expectation. I'm not trying to store up riches in heaven – I believe in life before death and justice for all in the here and now. 

This is the way I want to live my life – maybe motivated by my belief in a loving being, but I don't feel the way I live would be negated if such a being turned out to be a figment of my imagination. And whose to say my imagination isn't real anyhow?

And so why bother? My belief in God matters to me and makes sense to me in the here and now. Trying to love the best I can and receiving love matters to me. Someone once asked if that didn't make me a humanist. I think in many ways I'd make a good humanist. Except for the fact that I believe in God.

Maybe next time I'll try and ask myself interesting questions earlier on in the evening...

Beautiful world

A friend shared a news story on fb today about a US “errant” bomb that killed over 30 Afghans celebrating a wedding yesterday. I can't find the story anywhere on the BBC websites. I feel sad and angry about the news we get. Every single death matters. Every life should be celebrated. We live in a mixed up world where some events, disasters and funerals are made well known. And others are not. I also feel silenced – what do I know? What news can I trust? If I make a fuss does it take away from the grief of those affected by more well known suffering, as if i'm making a political point rather than standing alongside everyone?

My wise NCBI friends have in the past encouraged us all to get closer whenever we learn about terrible things going on. We might be tempted to retreat into ourselves and pull away from one another, to feel overwhelmed by feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness. Instead if we can, let's keep pulling together, staying connected, sharing our feelings instead of burying them.

We live in a beautiful world full of beautiful yet broken people. Let's keep our eyes and heart open to all that.

All its fulness

As my daughter left for her last term at primary school this morning she announced “It's the beginning of the end!” I know what she means, but in some ways everything is the beginning of the end. I do understand that countdown feeling of being aware nothing will be the same again. But often things change without us knowing they're about to. Every moment has potential and every experience and relationship that we embark on will grow and maybe also diminish and most certainly change. The times I myself have marked something coming to an end, I remember heightened awareness and gratitude – I focussed more on how things were cos I knew they wouldn't be like that much longer. I try and live more like that all the time now, cos this is it and tomorrow will not be like today. There is so much I'm grateful for. And even when I don't feel especially grateful I try and notice it and fully experience it anyway – someone bought me a drink I didn't particularly like the other day but rather than feel niggly about it, I deliberately tried to savour every sip.

Right now I'm gonna be late for work so had better get enjoying cleaning my teeth then go embrace life out there :)

Oh I sing

A highlight from yesterday was the massive beam of encouragement on a friend's face whilst I sang Something Inside So Strong with One Voice Community Choir. I'd been feeling pretty hope-less all day. Joining One Voice is one of the best decisions I've ever made – it's impossible to stay down with the songs we sing. And so I sang, and was cheered on, and got things back into perspective. Singing is what does it for me. And friends. And hugs, cake, chocolate, being cooked for, being listened to, my kids, hills-trees-sheep, fresh air, fresh bread, making a difference, laughing and loving. Whatever your things are, I hope you get to do them lots this week.

flawed

The anti bullying work I did for 5 years was brilliant – I loved being part of such a lovely team and the work we did was life changing. At heart, it was based on the truth that every one of us is worthwhile and deserves to be treated as such. Pretty much all of us have got hurt at some point – young people's oppression is such that all of us have been thought of as lesser by an adult at some point along the way. And in addition to that, we all experience all kinds of mistreatment. It can be really hard not to pass on those hurts that we still carry. This week I was struggling with a situation and muttered under my breath only the person I was muttering about heard it and was devastated. Conversely, I've also found it hard to be on the receiving end of people's hurts this week. When we have unhealed stuff of our own, it can be hard not to take the hurt of others as some further proof of whatever it is we're struggling with. I know I can quickly spiral into thinking that it is deserved. That is the ongoing impact of bullying – that a person is no longer able to see clearly their worth but believes that the insults are only to be expected. When of course, none of us – whether we are lashing out at others or being got at ourselves – deserve to be in that position. What we do deserve is love, love, more love and some good support so that we are able to go on loving ourselves and every other flawed person too.

really?

In the spirit of being real, here is how I feel now. I know from experience this feeling won't last – I'll find a way out of it, I always do.

But today I feel tired. Tired cos my girly was up until 3am unable to sleep. Tired of being shouted at. Tired of trying to do The Right Thing. Tired of being available all the time. Tired of not quite managing everything. Or not even beginning to manage everything. Of always spotting the overwhelming evidence of just how much more there is to do/how much I've failed to do. Tired of not being good enough. 

I think I need a hug. 

Tomorrow I have an unexpected child free day. Maybe I shall spend the entire day in bed.

sinking ships

Twice today I've read the same thing having never seen it before, about amateurs building the Ark, professionals The Titanic. Maybe it fits with my good enough blog of yesterday. Tho it doesn't seem fair on those who have spent ages training to become good at something. Today I learned how to wallpaper and whilst the end result isn't brilliant, it will certainly do. And, after a lot of grumping about doing it, I did feel a sense of achievement for having done something that at the start of the day I couldn't do. I don't like having to care for a house by myself, there are too many tasks that I just don't know enough about. My Dad tried several times to explain the whole ballcock situation to me last week when the loft flooded but I just couldn't get my head around it. Still, whilst I'm not the perfect homeowner, or parent, or friend, or anything else, I guess I'm good enough. I don't need to know everything about everything. I just need to be a bit more accepting of my interdependence. I also still feel like I need a holiday – I'm looking forwards to going back to work for a rest as this has been a tad too stressful for my liking! 

Real

I liked this blog:

http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/disease-called-perfection.html

I'm a big fan of being real. It's a risk some of us don't always want to take. What if the real me isn't liked? If I admit that I'm not as happy/together/good as I like to make out, maybe people will go off me, maybe I'll be judged and found wanting? What I've found tho is that when I've risked being vulnerable, showing my grumpy, crappy side, lovely people haven't been put off at all. They know they're not always shiny too and have their own skeletons in the cupboard, and are usually quite happy to have the chance to stop trying so flippin hard to look good too.

Truth is I'd much rather be loved for who I actually am and not who I pretend to be. And I like you just the way you are too, underneath that mask...

good enough

I'm partway through cutting my son's hair this morning when he announces he wants it long at the front and short at the back. I have no certificates in hair cutting, it's one of the many many things I have a go at despite not necessarily having the training/skill/experience. Which pretty much sums up parenting for me. He seems happy enough with the end result, so I sigh with relief that I've gotten away with it for one more time. “Good enough” is how I live my life. Despite being a Virgo, I've had to let my perfectionist ideals slip. I just have to keep reminding myself to focus on the bits that are fine, not the bits that could have been better.

Running slow

My computer is still running slow and maybe that's OK cos today we are on a running slow day. I'm the only one who's changed out of Pjs, although I may have been the last one up. We are all somewhat busily relaxing - so many ideas for just a few days off. My children are organising a charity sale and funday at our house in 3 weeks and are at the advertising stage. I'm beginning to realise the house is going to have to be a whole lot tidier for the amount of activities they're planning to cram in. We have discovered that my son has incredible wallpaper stripping talents and I'm trying not to be anxious that it is black paint that is being used. Further DIY stuff needs to be shopped for; there are gardening plans too; several part-finished craft projects; a new jigsaw and I currently have 2 novels on the go that I want to finish as yesterday I ordered another from my fave author. So much potential, and yet I know it's the hanging out that is important and not what we actually do. I have really really really missed not being with my kids these last few days. Looks like we're making up for it now :)

my God hops

A person looks back at their life & sees two sets of footprints except during the hardest and most difficult times. They ask God why this should be and God answered 'I thought it would be more fun if we hopped'

So goes my facebook status today. I like it when people think of a clever twist to something familiar. It also acknowledges a talent that I feel is frequently undervalued – the ability to improve someone's day/sense of self through the power of lightness.

I'm very lucky to have a range of people who love and support me in numerous ways and I'm very glad for each – the practical help with stuff I can't quite manage on my own, the endless listening and encouraging, the hugs and smiles and thanks that help me remember my worth. And I have friends who help me keep things in perspective with their humour, their silliness, their irreverant and yet very evident love for me. "Being fun” is something that I didn't think I did until more recent times when I've come to see that I do have that quality too. Being alongside people can take many forms and of course there are times when being serious is the only way to go. But actually there are many times when a touch of lightness can help people release emotion, and can help us all remember that the stuff is only stuff and that there is so much to delight in.

Today I shall look for every opportunity to hop. I hope you get to hop too. What fun prints there will be in the sand :)

holding onto hope

I just searched for the word "hope" in my blogs and it would seem I use the word all the time ;)
I am a person of hope it's true. I think we're born full of hope - curious as to the world's potential, trusting that we and all around us is just as we're mean to be and so feeling positive about our place in the world and that all will be well. Some of us then have our hope squished out of us and can become cynical and can sometimes project hopelessness onto those of us who try to hold onto hope. I notice that if I'm not careful my hope can be crushed by other people's hopelessness, when actually it's just like any stuff - theirs and I can see it and give them a hand with it if I want but it's theirs not mine, it's about not taking it personally, as always.
What I noticed today is that the moment I was at my most animated and hopeful was when I was sharing how I believe it is possible to love anyone, whether we've just met them or known them for decades. We only have to decide. I need to do more of what animates me and fills me with hope :) When are you most animated and full of hope? I wish you more of those times!

Hold on tight

I know we don't know what's going to happen – but we worked out if my girly goes away to University after school then I've already had two thirds of my time with her living with me. I still find it really really hard when they're apart from me – it doesn't feel like it's got any easier, tho I do fill my time with a mixture of work and fun stuff, and enjoy that time. I do know that loving people well involves letting them go but sometimes I would just rather hold them v v tightly and not let them out of my sight at all...

Now

Back to work tomorrow. I've thought about work, I've planned work for when I'm back, I've even dreamed about work. But I've had a good attempt at relaxing and will try again next week when I have some more time off.
I sometimes ask my children what their best bits of the day/holiday were. My son invariably replies "now" which I always thought was to do with the fact we were snuggled up and I was paying him attention. But only today did I think to tell him what a smart answer it is. Now is all we have so having that as our best moment is fabulous. And now is made of of all that's gone before - the fun bits, the bits that were not so fun but helped us grow into who we are, and all the people who have shaped us into who we are. Thankyou for the part you've played in making me me. :)

be brave and kind

We're just off to a dropslide and the kids are v excited. I'm hoping they won't need me to go on with them this time for encouragement like I had to last time. Tho it is exhilarating, that moment of pushing off away from the edge, nothing beneath you. So maybe I'll do it even if they don't need me to.
What I'm most pleased with this week is when I chose to be kind rather than right. I normally like to be very principled, but I thought about something well and decided that the better thing to do in this particular situation was not to act on my principles but think well about the others involved, and realised being principled may have been interpreted as point scoring, or taking a moral highground. It went far better than I anticipated and I shall keep looking for opportunities to be kind rather than right - cos maybe being kind is always right.
I hope whatever you do today you enjoy it immensely :)

attention

One of the books I've brought with me whilst I'm away relaxing is about counselling with children. It's reminded me how what we really all want is good attention and to know that we are really really wanted. Lots of us doubt this. Our parents did the best they could but we all have so much going on as parents - not just busyness but all our own stuff we carry - that most little ones have a bit of doubt as to how important we are. So we keep trying to figure ways to get close and try and believe that actually we do matter, our existence means so much to the people in our lives. We can get it into our heads that we are not loved, when actually we are really really really loved. So all we need to do for the wonderful people in our lives it to keep pointing out just how much they matter. How happy we are to have the opportunity to know them and be with them. And that when others are grumpy with them and forget to communicate delight, it's just cos of their stuff - just like we have stuff too that makes us grumpy with others sometimes.
I hope today you get some good attention, that you are reminded just how immensely important you are, how much you are loved. And that you take every opportunity you can to show those you love how they rock your world too.