goodbye to all that?

I'm not sad to be seeing the end of this year - it's had far too many challenges in it for my liking. Of course, there were good bits - I'm particularly pleased with the way I celebrated my birthday, and for making the effort to arrange to meet up with one of my distant friends. Today I'll be emptying out my jar - lots of scraps of paper on which I jotted some of the highlights and little things I was grateful for throughout the year. Like most new year's resolutions, I started well and then promptly forgot/couldn't be bothered, and only came back to it in bursts. I shall make it my resolution again this year, as it's a really good discipline to focus on all that's good instead of everything that brings us down.
Homework to be done today, then some celebrating later. It's good to celebrate life and loved ones. Of course, time being a social construct and all that, we don't have to wait for a new year to start in order to know that we can begin afresh, or delight in all that we have. But sometimes we need that shove to do so :) Hope you feel motivated to mark all that is good in your life, and resolve to keep working towards all you'd like to be even better :D

can we fix it?

This morning I'd have very much liked to have either stayed in bed with my book, or had a very long bubble bath with said book. I've resumed my favourite series after a break - Games of Thrones was too similar in content for me to watch that and still read the book, so I had set it aside. I'm so pleased to be back in its world :)
However, reality bites and as it's a day between holidays I knew I needed to get things fixed whilst those who could help me were working. The garden needed a good clear in order to have the roofing people come through to tell me that the whole side needs re-pointing - they've removed the 4 hanging free before today's wind sent those spiralling too and will replace those and the smashed one, and re-cement the edges next week.
My handy boyfriend sorted the leak in the kitchen but a new part is needed and I'm already missing my dishwasher. I've been out and purchased the required part and am tempted to fit it myself.
Hopefully the fun will resume this afternoon, there's still plenty of puzzle left and if I can, I'll escape to Buckkeep :)

in the light

There was much today in the service about the difference light can make, such as when trying to find the toilet if you stop overnight somewhere new. I'm pleased to report that daylight is assisting in my puzzle-doing - the lightbulb in this room makes puzzling at night hard and I'm usually trying to find pieces by shape rather than shade come sunset. But right now the sun is shining and the colours are almost alive.
It was ace that on the way to church my boy happily hugged trees with me. His sister has gone shopping and for a sleepover, so it's just the two of us hanging out and having fun. I'm for some reason missing a lot of my friends today, so where ever you're reading this, have a big hug from me :)

slow progress

The jigsaw is blooming tricky, and I'm still on the easy bit of the sun setting through the branches. When I close my eyes, that's what I'm seeing - sun through branches, and it's beautiful, I love light and I love tree branches. So it was in many ways a good choice of jigsaw, tho I'm finding it harder than anticipated. It's difficult to imagine me ever getting to the snow part, but I'm trying to hold onto the idea of eating an elephant with a teaspoon - although it's not a particularly pleasurable image. My helpers gave up a long time ago, tho I'm delighted to say we're still all round the same table, doing our own things, so I'm happy. We're going to shift to watching Madagascar 2 shortly, with the dog-tired dog, worn out from a romp across Beacon Fell with my mate and her dog. We bumped into a friend there - it's a good place to go tho I'm still convinced there must be a shorter route there.
Even on my holidays I find it hard to go at a slower pace and am always looking for haste. Will try and slow down...

loving our boys and men

Was v pleased to see this shared on t'interweb today:

http://www.upworthy.com/theres-something-absolutely-wrong-with-what-we-do-to-boys-before-they-grow-into-men?c=ufb2

For a long time I've worked and advocated for boys and men to have as many opportunities as possible to remove their masks and be loved for the real caring, loving, vulnerable beings they are underneath. I'm not a bloke, so I don't fully get it, obviously, but what I have heard from some boys who shared with me in gender workshops I've run, is that it's generally not seen as ok for boys to get upset, but their feelings have to go somewhere, and so often come out as anger and violence. I was particularly moved when a lad explained to me the unfairness of it all - a girl gets overwhelmed by emotions and cries and often gets sympathy from those around her. A boy gets overwhelmed but isn't allowed to cry in front of his mates. It comes out as anger and they get further isolated and condemned by the adults around them. It's a tough cycle to break - lots of us don't like the anger, and clearly we don't want to condone violence. So how do we get to give boys the space they need to explore how they're feeling, and support in how to manage those feelings safely? I don't have all the answers. I do applaud any attempt to highlight that this is an issue and am glad that this little clip will hopefully have people thinking twice before pushing a state of masculinity on any of the boys they encounter, and maybe reflect on the ways in which they themselves (if male) and their loved ones have been repeatedly squished by the pressure to "be a man".

I'm lucky to know many men who have explored a lot of this stuff and are aware of the pressures they have been put under and are understanding of boys who face similar struggles. When I found out I was expecting a son I felt out of my depth, and am very grateful for the positive male role models he has in his life who show him it's great to be clever, that's it's fine to knit and cook and clear up after yourself, who appreciate him when he is funny and when he is gentle, and who show interest in his ideas and creativity. I'm working on him having a few more men happy to cry in front of him cos I wish he could see that and whilst I cry enough for two, that's not the point is it.

Just like in my raising my daughter, I get it wrong plenty, but I also get it right lots too. Being around kids who are struggling with who they are and who they are "supposed" to be isn't always easy but I'm today celebrating that I'm not on my own in telling the world that it's not helpful for any of us to perpetuate a culture of "manning up".

included

Some people are great at making you feel included. I've just been at a family event where myself and my children were included in the marking of everyone's heights on the wall, even tho we're not officially part of the family. Little things like that can make the world of difference.
It's hard going from a busy party to return to an empty house alone. I guess lots of people do that frequently and I take my hat off to them. I will try to stay focussed on getting an early night ready for being back at work early tomorrow.

nostalgic furry pipe cleaners

The service this morning was noisy and joyous, lots of instruments banged along to the carols. I managed to lift my leg a reasonable distance into the air to show off my Christmas socks, and we're back now and there is (momentary?) peace. One child building lego, the other on their phone. I'm about to peel veg. I love that one of the most excitement-inducing presents was some mini post-it notes. Reminded me of my favourite present as a child, some furry pipe cleaners.
In my humble opinion, the best presents are the people we have in our life - hope you are enjoying them :D
Big Christmas love to all xx

off switch

Yesterday was the only day away from email but still didn't stop me getting 2 work incidents via my phone. And parenting never stops, and with mobiles, that feels even more the case when we r apart, I'm a way that it didn't use to. I can see I'm going to have to insist on some phone free time if I'm ever to get a break. Tho I did get a supportive text from a lovely friend who had seen my blog, so much as I'm cross with phones at the moment, they connect in good ways too.
Today's weather isn't very travel friendly. We shall allow extra time for getting back for the cub bag pack.

battle

Feeling miz this morning so hanging out under a v soft duvet until I'm ready to face the world. V grateful for WiFi! When I can get it together there should b card playing and Christmas tele and a roaring fire so I know it's worth getting up for. Yesterday I had two lovely messages from people thanking me for my kindness so am trying to hold onto those, but sometimes it just all feels like a battle.

conversations

My kids went to Manchester yesterday to see a show and enjoyed it, but my girly came back upset by the number of homeless people she'd seen, and keen to work out what she could do about it. I lent her one of my books, "52 ways to help homeless people" (chip-block) which she fully read but declared was aimed at adults. We then had a very long discussion about all kinds of interesting things, from politics and proportional representation; differing views on the benefit system;  to planning permission and how young people change the world. I love those kinds of conversations, and have encouraged her to take chances at today's church party to find others with other perspectives and ideas.
We're taking veggie cocktail sausages, and cheese and pineapple sans sticks cos I have no cocktail sticks - I'm sure there's a joke to be made about Methodists and cocktails. There's the nativity beforehand and I'm a script short so had best see if I can locate it. Hope you have lots of interesting conversations today too :D

tipple

I'm only an occasional drinker. Not as occasional as my grandma - I found out this week she's looking forward to her Baileys-in-coffee that is her Christmas Day treat. She didn't get round to having it last Christmas so it's been a couple of years. Wow.
I got very wet and cold taking my girly iceskating in Preston tonight. When I got back, I had just 45 mins left of volunteering opportunity, so I took that and then made myself a hot chocolate with some amaretto in it. It was so lovely I made a second one too.
Plan now is to take my new book group book and wrap up in a duvet and enjoy some time by myself. Just a bit more work tomorrow but I've already made a start on the Christmas jigsaw. Problem is, there's no room for us to eat now...

batteries not included

The batteries needed for a Christmas present purchased yesterday cost more than the present itself, but at least I'm beginning to get organized. Must check tho, some were ready charged, the rectangular ones might need further action on my part before the big day.
As there was no Girl Guides, we had a deadline-free evening which was brilliant. The kids printed off some stuff and we had a really lovely time. The free film was Arthur Christmas. It is so good to chill out with those we love. I am looking forward to more of that over the holidays and hope you get to relax with those you love too :) (The car got fixed so that makes getting to those I love easier!!)

the end is nigh

I can feel the end of term approaching and it feels good. It's getting to be a struggle to get up and out, will be great to have some relaxed days - I've already purchased us a Christmas jigsaw that I'm REALLY looking forward to - it has sheep and trees, and some lovely light - yum yum. Work is beginning to wind down for me already - a festive group today, and tying up of ends, but hopefully nothing too taxing. I'm keeping everything crossed that the car will be fixed today as it's the last chance before Christmas. I'm really proud of myself - I actually asked for help last night - go me! The weather was hideous skipping back from church and I suddenly realised that it didn't seem an appealing prospect to stand outside school for an indeterminate amount of time waiting for the coach to return from the Trafford Centre treat. So I asked a friend if they would pick up - what a fab idea.

This is one of the many places I could have been but wasn't last night. I love this version of Hark the Herald that we do:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwwOKgfBfz0&feature=youtu.be

Really enjoyed watching a programme last night that involved people singing gospel music, seeing them become so emotional and touchy feely. No wonder I love it so much!! Hope you today get to hug and kiss those around you - if that feels a bit unlikely, get singing and see what happens :)

dashing through the (erm, well not snow exactly)

As you know, I love singing, and for me, one of the absolute bestest bits about Christmas is carol singing - "proper" carol singing where you walk round the streets in the bitter cold, no instruments to drown voices, attempts at harmony, sometimes pitching a song that little bit too high or low, cos it's all off the cuff. Love it.
Tonight was carols on the run. Kids finally dispatched, I dashed to where the others were (texting to locate as I'd missed the start). We sang, beautifully, and it was ace to hear it was the first time in 30 years that a particular street had been carolled. I hope we go again next year and start a new wave of tradition. I had to pick up from cubs, so dashed off again (they're always out late except for the nights I'm late. Always). Maybe I need a sleigh.

An additional aspect I liked about tonight is that we weren't collecting. I have nothing against collecting and am v proud of money raised during previous sings. But was great to turn expectations on their head and when people asked to donate, we explained we were giving not collecting, and offered them chocolate and a booklet instead.

I've been reflecting on carol singing through the ages. My first memory of it is as a teenager, just three of us, going door to door locally and pulling off some amazing 3 part harmonies in silent night. I also recall singing with Ladies Circle that my mum was part of. Then it feels like there's a gap but maybe my memory is just hazy? I have happy memories of singing around Preston, a kind friend offering to carry my girly whose feet had frozen. And I've sung with my church before around the streets of my town. I've stood outside to sing many a time too with various choirs, but there's something about moving that makes it extra special for me. Don't know why. Anyhow, better dash, hope you get to sing gustily today too...

appreciating

The bus I caught home (less than 2/3rds of the price to get there) headed in the opposite direction to the way I go when I drive home. All very symbolic, and helped me be more appreciative of when I can easily hop in my car. I'm lucky to have an amazing boss who drove me to the clinic in the first place. Once on it, I was outraged by a sign that said the driver had discretion to allow EITHER one wheelchair user, or 2 unfolded pushchairs on at any one time. So if two wheelchair users dare to try and use the same bus there will be an issue. I'm ashamed to say I've never considered before the difficulty of being a wheelchair user waiting for a bus only to find the one and only allocated space is already taken so you're not allowed on. How rubbish must that be?
I was v v  v pleased when the mechanic rang me at work with good news. I'd rung him this morning to be told the part wouldn't be available til after Christmas if ordered from the main dealer. All my Christmas plans started to unravel. But star that he is, he's located another and is going to fit it tomorrow. Hurrah hurrah hurrah.
Right, I'm checking on cakes that for some reason will not cook. ttfn.

swings and swings

So today I saved myself £50. Tho lost a few thousand in the process. Swings and swings. The good news is that I acted ethically, which is important to me, as you'll know.

This is why we need windscreen wipers!

I was asked for another valuation on the house, and like last time, I decided I wasn't going to pretend that I wanted to sell my house, just so I could get the accompanying free valuation. So I asked around and the cheapest was £50 (plus VAT), for it to be in writing. I had an idea and it came to pass - I figured if the person who wanted the valuation was present, it wouldn't need to be in writing as verbal would suffice. Everyone was happy with this plan and so she came today and was surprised when I gave her some nicely wrapped flowers as a thankyou for coming out even tho she knew there was no profit in it for her. Her estimate is ten thousand more than the first one so that's more money to find, but I guess we're another step forwards.
I was determined to still go and see my friend despite being carless. The cancelling of the second train yielded a silver lining in the form of a 20 min wait that I utilised by dashing to LUSH for the secret santa gift. See, more swings. I was much cheered by seeing my friend and so pleased with myself for making the effort. And she makes a lovely dahl :)
I have bus times sorted for tomorrow, and a lift for the day after. Will ring the garage again in the morning to see if the part has been ordered cos I kinda need the car by Friday :s But am trying to stay positive. I began reading a book of Joe's on the train and will not be sunk as often happens when I'm on my own - I'm going to take the book to bed and giggle at Little Wolf. It'll be reet.

this little light of mine

This is my favourite card of the ones I've been sending this year. Yes, I actually wrote some yesterday! Not for people I'm going to see face to face - they are getting a Christmas hug - and I've had some amazing hugs, so I definitely recommend Christmas hugs. For people I don't see and barely keep in touch with, I'm trying to send a card. The list on my computer is corrupt and won't open, so I've been using a paper copy dated 2003. So it's not perfect, but at least this year I'm attempting it. And I LOVE this card, as it sums up my faith far better than the sentiments of a lot of other cards.
Twice over the weekend, in very different settings, I got to sing a song I rather like as it has many happy memories associated with it. "This little light of mine" - sung on Saturday with One Voice choir, at a children's nursery Christmas fair, with a person dressed as Peppa pig dancing along. Probably winner of my most surreal moment of the year. Then last night at the Christingle service at my local Anglican church, all the church lights were turned off and we stood in our multitude, around the edges and in the aisle of the building, our candle flames flickering, and it was very beautiful indeed. I also often think of my other choir when I sing it as we sing it with much gusto there too. I am a strong believer in the light that each of us have, I see when my light lights up the life of others, and I often get to feel for myself just "what the power of love can do." Yesterday morning I saw someone's light as they made sure I heard that he was pleased to see me. Others are great at reminding me that my light burns fiercely too.
This week is a bit unknown for my liking. The fate of the car is in the hands of the garage - I now need to see what I can figure out in terms of getting to and around work tomorrow. I shall try to keep my flame out of the rain.

name the toliet cleaner!

It was inevitable. It had been dodgy for a while, so I wasn't massively surprised when the windscreen wiper went completely. The garage had said it'll cost around £500 to sort so I'd been waiting in case they could find a second hand one. Now it will have to just happen cos having a car I can drive is pretty important to me. It's only money and I'm just not thinking what else it could buy. I'm a bit worried about how long it might take to sort. I can get a train to some places and I can't do much til Monday so am just not going to worry.
Meanwhile feel very lucky to have a boyfriend who knows how to cheer me up by buying a children's film. We laughed our way through Despicable me 2, then I got to watch yet more Saturday night tv. I've never seen X factor before - it was a bit more collaborative than I anticipated. Then Jonathan Ross, and I realised one of the things I struggle with, is the way it's about "a star". The singer at the end was good, but the only one named. Had one of her saxophonists blown a note out of time it would have been spoiled, but they didn't get a mention. The world I want to live in values the person who cleans the studio toilets as much as the person who has celebrity status.
Will keep working towards bringing about that world today :) Hope whatever part you play today you are appreciated, and that you take chances to appreciate others too :)

time with those we love

A friend has shared an ace thing on fb this morning. Timely. Here it is:

http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2013/12/11/brene-brown-rsa-animated/

I'm feeling sad this morning, feeling as if I don't spend as much time as I'd like to with those that I love as constraints get in the way. My friend's daughter looked after my kids last night and my friend was jealous as I've seen much more of her daughter than I have of her recently. My plan this morning is to make plans. To try and fix up times when I can see some of those that I love.
Enjoy the animation and hope you get to connect well today with some of those who matter most to you :)

still there anyway

I really enjoyed tonight's gathering (not quite a service, I'm not really sure how to bill it here - there was singing, a story, but also shed loads of food and quizzes and karaoke). We sang well, and it was a lot more sociable than I had anticipated which I enjoyed immensely. It reminds me how I went on a weekend once that I was expecting to involve intense sessions, and the leader pointed out that just being with each other, hanging out, was the most important "work" we could do. What a fab leader. And so it is, imho, with church - it's the hanging out that's the important bit for me. The sharing, the stories, the sticking out of tongues, the crumbs on the floor, the new people met, the old people hugged. I'm not really a "praise" kind of girl - I personally feel I worship God in the being, when I get to be, and when I get to be around and with others. Yes, I like to sing and can see/feel the praise in that, but it's always been the fellowship I prefer (if not the word itself).
Carols were interlaced around a story from Tolstoy, which I liked tho it felt a tad predictable to my cynical mind. The old man met with Jesus every time he showed compassion to anyone who came along, even tho they didn't look like the Jesus figure he was expecting. I'd quite like to do a re-write. The poor mother and barefoot infant come along, and the shoemaker would like to help, and he recalls the shoes he has kept on the dusty shelf. He gets them down and mum, babe and carpenter are all hopeful. Only they're too small, and the carpenter feels inadequate, the mum disappointed, and the child still cold. But God is still there anyway, in the disappointment, the bitterness, the failed attempts at helping. I don't really believe in the "if you just have faith God will make it all ok" cos that's not the way it seems to work. People still die, people still get hurt, experience abuse and injustice, and God doesn't stop it and make it all OK. What I do believe in, is a God that is still there when it's not ok. And that there are people who care about other people, working hard to challenge the injustice and abuse, tend to the dying, listen to the hurt, and that God is there too.
More singing tomorrow. I'm a lucky girl :)

Be Happy :)

There were many crappy bits in yesterday, but this was a lovely moment - to discover this on my pillow before I went to bed. Today's another busy day, dashing straight from drumming to a gig later. I hope whatever your day holds, there are unexpected moments of love within it :D

old dog new tricks

I didn't get to share how much I enjoyed Saturday night. Our choir leader was really buzzing. We'd rehearsed all afternoon, but when it came to it, we just followed where he led (which wasn't necessarily what we'd been practising). I'd hoped to share a clip with you but the video my son had recorded on my phone won't transfer. Maybe it's too large. You'll just have to imagine how upbeat it was. There was the noisiest drum solo I've ever heard during Away in a Manager of all things. Actually, maybe it's too hard to imagine. I've tried finding Gospel versions of Christmas songs all week, but no one does it like we do. Perhaps I'll ask if we can make a Christmas album?

Whilst not managing to transfer video footage, I've very pleased to report that having learned how to hide columns in spreadsheets the other day, I've just put that to very good use on a database this morning that I will now use much more efficiently. Yay! I am going to focus upon that, and not on the fact that I forgot the one thing I felt I HAD to do this morning, which was to ask my daughter to come straight home from school as we all have the dentist immediately after. 

I'm having 6 days off from my main job over Christmas. I think I need it :D

love more worry less

Sometimes I find myself not quite matched up in time. I'm getting dates for my 2014 diary only I know there are other things that will need to go in there that haven't yet been arranged. Having a boyfriend with a very different time of work from me and consequently body clock, is also challenging. I often write a text to him when I have a spare moment in the morning and then have to remember to actually send it later when he's awake. I meant to text a friend yesterday but didn't want to wake her in my only non manic slot of yesterday, and in the waiting for a more convenient moment for her, never got round to it. Email is much better cos I can write whenever and it is picked up whenever suits the recipient.
I have a fab friend who keeps reminding me to love more and worry less. I can feel the weight of the worry on my shoulders at the moment, and just need to keep remembering to shrug it off. There is all the time in the world for love. Everything else can wait :D

techno junkies

Tuesdays and Wednesdays are my less ideal days, in that I get home from work at the same time as, or after, the kids. Ideally I would have maybe 20 mins first in which I could catch up with my emails etc before paying them attention. Sometimes they have activities of their own anyway - TV or dog walking and I can sneak a quick email check. Sometimes the activities involve my own computer so I don't get a look in.
I know I'm addicted to my internet connections. One of my paid roles in particular includes responding fairly rapidly to situations- trouble shooting - and I don't like it when I know my emails have lain unseen from maybe 9am til late. Tues eves I sometimes get a half hour slot between my girly leaving for dog agility, before I have to collect my son from cubs, and it's a precious grab-a-look time!
Clearly one solution would be to check emails on my phone. But I feel it's actually good not to be on call 24/7, and if I used my phone in that way, would I EVER switch off?

The cubs are an especially happy lot at the moment due to the ma-hoo-sive pile of stones ready for turning my twisty path into a cycleway. You can imagine - a bunch of 8 n 9 year old lads joyously enjoying running up and down the rubble mountain. I didn't join in, but have def had my serious head on too much recently. Tomorrow might have to be a silly hat day...

curry overload

I organised a curry night out as a thankyou for the volunteers I co-ordinate locally. It was a good night but I felt overstuffed so didn't sleep well and still can't imagine breakfast this morning which is unusual for me - breakfast is one of my favourite meals of the day :) I have leftovers in the boot of my car that I'd planned for lunch but think that might be a bad idea, especially as I'm hanging out at clinics this afternoon - garlic breath is not going to make a good impression is it?

I've still not started even writing a list of who I want to buy Christmas presents for. I don't do well with deadlines. I'm guessing Christmas Day is not going to get delayed just cos I can't quite keep up. Still, let's stay focussed on how far I've come rather than how long I have left to go (a recent mantra) and celebrate the fact that I did get a bag of stuff down from the loft to see if anything there can be wrapped...

Will kick myself out to work shortly and keep looking at today's beautiful clouds. Tho not whilst I'm meant to be focussing on the road, obviously.

...
More cheery this evening. I have got me a milkman :D

believe

Sometimes the pits we fall into are so deep and dark it can be hard to see out of them. I was so stuck in my stuff yesterday I'm not sure I could tell you much about the service I went to. I couldn't even sing which is unusual for me. One of the hymns I don't think I'd come across before and couldn't tell you what it was called to look it up or anything. But there was an apt bit in the 3rd verse about us being angels to one another - it was just after one of my lovely friends had appeared from behind me with 3 new tissues cos she had clearly spotted I'd worked my way through my whole tissues and reached the rageddy scraps in my pocket.
Last night another lovely friend gave me a tiny - size of a pen lid - sign that says "believe in yourself and all that you are" I've hung it next to my bed to remind me. She clearly believes in me and I know she's not the only one. I bet there's loads of people who believe in you, even in those times when you doubt too.
I've made an earl grey as I'm unusually going to help run a group, even tho it's a Monday, so I need to get motivated. As yet another lovely friend would say "Keep the Faith".

role reversal

Tonight my children are coming to watch me in my Christmas Concert. Neither of them are in anything at school this year, so this seems an upside down situation that they're coming to see me but I won't be going to see them.
We've had a lovely slow start today after a very busy week. There's a couple of spare hours over the weekend when I probably ought to pay attention to impending rather than immediate stuff - I could write some Christmas cards, for example. I bought a whole lot of Greenbelt ones I'm pleased with, to then discover that I didn't write many last year so still have a big stash from then. Oh well.
I may just try to take it easy tho. Life has definitely felt like responding to the immediate all the time - a friend once described it as being swept down a river with just my nose above water. I'm proud to report that I sent a birthday package this week and didn't have to send it first class - I was actually a couple of days ahead of myself. I used to be more like that and it would be good to return to that way of being if I can, instead of feeling up against it all the time. I'm not naturally a last minute person. There's still 3 things I was supposed to do yesterday tho, so as long as they don't take too long, hopefully there'll be some downtime. I know this time of year can be frantic for lots of people. Hope you find some peace and tranquillity amongst the hurlyburly.

PS, one of the tasks is to find an acceptable photo of my kids together, so in trawling my recent pics have been happily reminded of memories from this year and came across this that reminds me I don't have to do ANYTHING with my spare two hours :)

news and the net

So many inspirational quotes from such an amazing man are on my fb feed this morning. I remember waiting somewhat impatiently on the day he was released from prison, in a time when news was much less live stream than it is nowadays. There are some mornings when I really don't want to get up and face the day. Nelson Mandela kept going. Maybe I'll put one of those wonderful quotes up in my bedroom.

We were surprisingly connected to the news last night and made much use of the internet. The extreme weather encouraged us to learn about storm surges. My daughter also shared some "so-scary-how-will-we-sleep-at-night" footage about super volcanoes that will wipe out the world, that she'd been learning about at school. But we also got to go ooh and ahhh at some very pretty close up snowflakes:

http://www.natureknows.org/2013/11/amazing-macro-photography-of-individual.html

I still love geography :) And I am increasingly a fan of social media and all its potential for bringing us together, inspiring us, supporting us through tricky times -well it's the people that do that, obviously. Let's keep being inspirational and supportive :D

Ms. Not-Allowed

My army camp access pass had been renewed with the word Mr by mistake. I carefully kept my joke to myself about how I could come along in disguise if that would help. It doesn't do to make such jokes on an army camp. Twice the guy asked if it should be Miss or Mrs, twice I replied Ms. The third time, I said Mrs, and asked was Ms not allowed, he said he'd not tried putting that in. So then, twice more his female colleague asked if he would try Ms. I smiled at her with gratitude for the solidarity. He didn't budge and my pass has Mrs on it. I could have asked for Dr to go on it, but I have no time for games about rank, and I don't like to reveal I'm a Dr in case anyone mistakenly thinks I can help them out medically.
I've no idea why it was so important to that guy and didn't get chance to find out - I shall remain grateful to the woman who knew the importance of standing up for what others would like. If the army is full of people with her attitude that can only be a good thing :)

plea for safer cycling

My friend who was knocked off her bike next week will still be in hospital over Christmas. I'm so impressed by her cheerfulness on facebook and her kind attitude towards the driver. I've been thinking I need another new phrase. (Remember how I discovered I could substitute "kill 2 birds with 1 stone" with "bake 2 cakes in the 1 oven"). This time the phrase is "there for the grace of God go I" - a phrase I hear sometimes and struggle with. I think it has NOTHING to do with God's grace that it wasn't me either hurt on the bike or driving the car. I don't think God keeps people from certain situations. I do see what people are getting at tho when they use it - and I don't get cross when I hear it as I understand that people are being sympathetic and grateful all at the same time.
I use my car around 5 days a week now, and realise it only takes a few seconds distraction to have fatal consequences. I can't imagine how awful I would feel if I caused someone pain - or even death - how hard must that be to live with? Also, I know what it's like to feel vulnerable on a bike - that swoosh as a lorry surges past, the exposure on a busy roundabout. Having found it difficult to arrange missing just 2 pick ups from school last week, I don't want to even begin to imagine what it would be like to be incapacitated for weeks. And this is without even thinking about the pain.

I cringed at the tactless discussion on the radio last night that with so many cycle deaths recently we need to teach better cycling skills. Maybe I missed a finding that has concluded all those deaths were as a result of dangerous cycling. The report was about how last year (I think) in 26 of 28 EU countries, more bikes were purchased than cars. I'm really pleased that cycling is taking off. And for the sake of my friends, kids, my self, and strangers, I want more done so cycling isn't so costly in human terms.

The gales kept me awake part of last night. I used the time to pray for the safety of everyone in them, and to give thanks for what I take for granted. Stay safe you drivers, cyclists, and big love to those already hurting.

blessings for all

No internet - nightmare! Not even on my phone for a while! Got to get to work tho so will have to keep trying later.
I declined communion this morning and 'just' had a blessing. At my usual church children join in as full participants so we break bread together. That's not the tradition at the school where communion is only for the confirmed. I didn't want to take it when my son couldn't - not that he will have noticed - so had a blessing instead. They are freely available, no matter what your age or beliefs. Hurrah!

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T'interweb seems to be working again now, phew!!!! I do so love my internet for so many reasons, and realised that now my girly has so much homework that needs access to the web, it's even more imperative that it works. As part of my attempting to mend it this morning, I pulled the whole computer desk out and gave it a thorough hoover behind. I've not shoved it back yet and consequently am typing in more sunlight than usual. Light is good. If you've not had enough today go get a few rays on your face quick before it sets for the day :D

no point crying over spilled milk

I think I have a pretty strong sense of smell - it's such an important sense. I often can still smell someone after we've hugged, I will sometimes smell a book when I open it, I love catching a whiff of something that reminds me of happy things/particular people. Tonight I quickly noticed a disgusting smell on my hands - but not quickly enough - and it took me a little while to locate its source. Our vicar had involved us all in a symbolic joining of our lights at the morning advent service. We each had a glow stick and connected them together to form a large circle. My son wanted to take them all home after, and having had an unfortunate incident with one a couple of years back, that I can still vividly remember, I asked him to be careful. Somehow tho, one leaked and a small amount of the corrosive, toxic, lethal, or at least just plain disgusting chemicals spilled onto the work surface, and I hadn't noticed and placed the milk lid there, picked it back up and returned it to the top of the milk. I noticed the smell, furiously scrubbed my hands and the surface, but didn't notice the milk lid was contaminated til much later. Obviously the milk was a brand new 2 litre one, and so I had to turn away whilst I emptied the vast quantities of it down the plug hole, silently apologizing to the cow who had produced it, the farmer and subsequent workers who enabled it to reach me. I'd had 2 sips of my brew and decided it wasn't worth the risk, so my sink has been much utilised tonight. I've not died yet. All the glow sticks, even the un-snapped ones, are now in the bin and again I apologize to those in foreign factories, who have to breathe in the odours everyday whilst making them, and those involved in the disposal of everything we just chuck away.
Tomorrow I shall try to be less careless.

get me out of here

My daughter has started watching I'm a celebrity and wants me to sit alongside her whilst she does. For someone who doesn't really do tele, this is a bit of a massive leap. Not only do I find this particular programme banal, but last night I started getting outraged - some of it looked like torture and I fail to see how it can be entertaining to watch someone struggle so much. Maybe it's because I'm not keen on crawling creatures myself and it was too hard to watch. But I was beginning to wonder how they gather together so many creatures and wondered how they felt about being caught, and then chucked in a crate to be swiped at. Why do we think it's OK to use creatures - even if they are "just" insects, to suit our own purposes?
In less grumpy news, we started putting decorations around the house and the kids have placed curtains of lameta from the tops of some of the doorways. It's about 50cm long so brushes the top of my head as I pass through. It's fun. We've not done this before - it feels like we're starting new Christmas traditions this year and that feels good. The weekend has been very hard though. I'm glad I can juggle work today from home.

let the preparations begin!

Today is the first day of December and also Advent Sunday. My day began bleary eyed threading silver cotton onto baubles as this year both children want little trees in their bedrooms.
I'm aware that many have finished their Christmas shopping, but now December is here and other events are out of the way, now is the time I _start_ to think about Christmas.
I'm feeling pretty lousy which isn't great timing as I have two Advent services today where I shall be cantor singing. What I really need is lots of fun and silliness and hope and laughter and joy. Let's hope there's lots of that in the start of the festivities here.

Being alongside is not then, but now

A few weeks back I saw a friend was very upset, so I stopped to hug her a while. She cried until she was done and then we chatted a bit to get her attention back on the present - she didn't venture what it was she needed to weep about and I didn't probe. In my paid job, I offer info as well as listening, so open ended questions etc are the way to go, I need to get a wider perspective before I can give relevant info. I'm of the view that it's down to the other person how much they want to share. Sometimes people are grateful for a prod. Sometimes what I/a person need, is to be understood, to be heard, to have the opportunity to get everything off their chest, and the talking/listening will achieve that.Sometimes people make it clear that it's not right for them to share at that moment, through their body language, the fact that they are not sharing, or sometimes they clearly state it, cos sometimes what I/they need is being understood without having to explain.
In both my work, my counselling and my life in general it's over time got much easier to let go of a curiosity in knowing - knowing the bigger picture as to what's caused the upset, and knowing what happened next, because otherwise it can become more about my need to know than their need to focus on whatever it is they need. Being alongside is just that. Momentary, beautiful, alongside in the present and not asking to be filled in about the past or kept informed of the future. It's not going to be everyone's ministry, but I suspect it is mine.

hitting the ground running

I don't even have time to check the meaning behind the title but in my mind, it's when people land from a parachute jump and instead of collapsing in a heap and maybe having 3 mins to catch your breath, you land whilst running straight onto whatever the next thing is. I bet it's a military thing, but I shall overlook that for now and maybe seek a more fitting metaphor later.
So, no time for gentle re-entry, back into having to sort lots of things simultaneously. Need to leave for work early so will just abandon the unpacking, unanswered emails etc for later. Good to be back blogging on my computer rather than in haste on my phone (tho it keeps telling me of an error which is scary, I'd hate to lose my whole blog) - if I can I'll go back to reference those ideas I shared whilst away.
So no time for coherence today either, I'll just share a quote I liked from yesterday, that we need
"a compassion that can stand in awe at what the poor have to carry rather than stand in judgement at how they carry it" Gregory Boyle.

Wishing you lots of awe without judgement today :)

forgetting how to swim

I'm making the most of my trip away. This morning I had a pool to myself. I like being in a pool. I'm not fond of getting in or getting either undressed or dressed but once I'm in, if it's warm which it was today, I'm happy. I learned to swim at primary school, we were taken by coach to a High school. When I attended a different high school later, it also had its own pool but we were made to dive for bricks in the deep end which left me panicky. Dad would take me and my sister for fun most weekends and I loved that. At uni, I had a period of weekly swimming with a mate, we did lots of lengths and I used that time to think. My kids love swimming and would like to be taken more often. Anyway back to today and as my knees have for some reason been v painful these last couple of days, I found kicking with my preferred breaststroke a bit painful. So I changed to front crawl only to discover I have forgotten how. I realize it's a long time since I did front crawl as u can't keep an eye on your children using that stroke.

I'm supposed to be concentrating - the current slide is entitled 'the molecular biology of a cuddle'. I have pics of the city that I will add later. Enjoy your day! Xx

maialogical time

Loving my conference! Want to explore more the concept of maialogical time - not the linear time we are used to, but one based on mutuality, interrelatedness, interaction and reciprocity. It's great to be thinking how we cam encourage baby's first experiences to be ones of needs being met through a relationship, not a thing. Our society often values purchases not gifts, as purchases cam be returned if not exactly right. So it's then about commodities not relationships, when life is ALL ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS!!
Its a very celebratory, affirming conference. What would I expect of a conference that is called baby friendly??

it is what it is

wise woman in the extraordinarily long post office queue: it is what it is.
motto of what is shaping up to be a very full on day.
hoping at least some of this "is"ness contains laughter.
I have a big picnic to share on the train (with the whole carriage?) and my colleague is bringing a bottle of wine - I've warned her I won't be able to take an equal share - she thinks she'll cope with the rest;) Sometimes sharing is just that, and not about exact divisions, but a matching of needs and wants, which given that we're all different, will all be different.
If I can blog from Glasgow, I shall :)

giggles

Lots of my recent blogs have been concerned with choices and worrying about making The Right One. Sometimes the choices aren't so life threatening. Last night I fancied watching Nuns on the Run but it was already getting late and an early night was clearly the sensible option. Prompted by a text from my boyfriend (who I hope won't mind me saying doesn't even notice the sensible option sometimes) I went for it and had a late but giggle filled night. I'm pleased to report that I enjoyed watching a film on my own - woo!!!
The week has arrived of my Glasgow conference - I hope it's as useful and enjoyable as I'm hoping, as it's been very stressful to arrange my attendance. Today I'll be assembling a picnic for tomorrow's train journey. I have plenty of other tasks first, whilst waiting in for a mattress to be collected. It's flipping freezing - and seeing the heavy frost out of the window has me feeling even more cold. Stay warm and loved up people!

films and glorious imperfections

As well as books I'd like to read, there are films I'd like to watch. I must be getting old cos there's some I'd like to re-watch (I used to say life was too short to watch the same film/TV episode more than once). The other day the coach driver mentioned Nuns on the Run, which I remember laughing out loud at, and I have that on DVD so might dig that out for a giggle soon. And, as my ex was writing his PhD on German films, there's some of those that I'd like to see again. Run Lola Run has a great soundtrack, and again one of those themes I'm drawn to, of replaying life to see what would be different this time. Just like last week's example of an affair - I could never have an affair as I wear my feelings on my sleeve so readily, I couldn't keep it secret - I'm unlikely to be involved with the criminal underworld. These stories mainly have a dramatic setting - tho Sliding Doors, with its simple missing one train to catch another just a few minutes later utilised a tiny change to show the same concept of showing different options in parallel. That's what's hard about real life - there's just this one shot at it. I suspect it's the perfectionist in me, wanting to live life Groundhog Day style so that I can Get It Right. Sometimes I struggle to trust that everything I do is good enough and I don't need to keep toiling at improvements. Not wanting to look back and wish I'd done even a tiny thing dfferenlty. What appealed about the book I'm still looking out for, is the outcome that in both versions, good and bad happened in similar measure- resisting the affair didn't result in a life of unmitigated happiness; embarking on it didn't result in just joy or pain either. Whichever choices we make, there are always going to be delight and disasters. We can muck things up and things can still come right, we can keep looking for the love no matter what happens.

And now I've just read this:
"Divine perfection is, in fact, the ability to recognize, forgive, and include imperfection! Just as God does with all of us. Only in this way can we find the beautiful and hidden wholeness of God underneath the passing human show."
http://myemail.constantcontact.com/Richard-Rohr-s-Meditation--Perfection-Is-Precisely-the-Ability-to-Include-Imperfection.html?soid=1103098668616&aid=SsC52P5Wk8Q

Back to the films I'd like to re-watch and there's also Wings of Desire and Faraway So Close. I like the title track of the latter, but in typing Nick Cave into spotify in a (failed) attempt to find it, I wrote Nick Cake - it was definitely a cake-filled evening.
I'm not yet sure what today's birthday will hold - tiredness may dictate the plans. Can you tell I fancy a snuggle on the sofa watching some films, rather than the proposed clothes shop?! Here's a big hug for you and all that you do today {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{you}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

responsibility

A recurring feeling of mine is that I'm single handedly responsible for EVERYTHING, especially how people feel, how successful something is, for doing the right thing at all times, bringing about world peace etc ad nauseum. Rationally I know this isn't the case but it's how I often feel, and there's been a lot of feeling it this week. Today has the likelihood of me feeling it bigtime. I need to keep reminding myself it's not just me today - my daughter's Dad is driving one car and will be spectating, so is on hand to shoulder some of the responsibility, whilst I take 10 kids swimming in Stoke, then have most of them sleepover tonight. It will be fine. My wise daughter woke up and said her first priority was a massage as there was no point continuing if she felt stressed. I didn't dare ask for one in return as there's lots to do still before they all arrive shortly, but I will keep reminding myself that I can relax.
The thing is they don't really want me around so it's a tricky balance - being responsible without actually being right there. I know what I'm needed for is to facilitate the fun - to drive, to pay, to provide stuff. I'll try and have a bit of fun myself too. Hope you feel the fun today too :)

free compliments

The house isn't fully cleaned (and not even close!) but might do. Meanwhile I've been doing far more funner stuff. Hanging out with my besties via the internet, feeling the connection, a little bit of loving-up flypostering (such a sunny day - yay! - hard to photograph it). By the time I'd done my shop (bought half of Morrisons, not sure how much a horde of 12 years old will eat in 26 hours - my arms are now 2 foot longer from dragging it home) one of the compliments had already been taken :D
I'm not sure who will read this so hard to give you a specific compliment, but I have no doubt at all that whoever you are, you have a beautiful soul. Let it shine for all to see :D

waistcoat

Morning! Tho I don't feel fully awake to be honest. I've taken the day off my Blackpool job so I can catch up with some other bits, and mainly get ready for the birthday weekend - cleaning, wrapping presents, making cards, icing a cake etc.
I'll give myself the kick up the bottom in a moment but for now I'm resting on my laurels for having successfully got my youngest off on his school trip in requisite Victorian costume. We were informed waistcoats were usually "handed down from the master" which was handy when I was explaining that I'd be making his from an old velvet blouse of mine. Last night. I used to be so much more organised. Still,  we were both pleased with the end result fortunately. I'm still sad that one of his friends didn't turn up on time for the coach, which had to leave - is it wrong to hope he's ill and not just late?
Right, house isn't going to clean itself...

fill your dome

I sent this picture today to a friend in need of a cheer. Little things can make such a difference :)

Yesterday I loved seeing how things work in the hospital. I spotted a sign on a colleague's desk that said her name and then "hot desk" and I couldn't resist adding a post-it "for a hot woman". But it brought me back to the sad fact that I can be full-on with my wonderful female friends but it's much harder with my wonderful male friends - I don't think I'd have done it if the colleague had been male 'cos it could have been construed as flirtatious instead of bigging someone up. (outrageous! I realise I have feelings about being thought of as flirtatious!) And I've noticed that sometimes if I'm nice to someone, others can feel left out - my kids are very sensitive to this. I guess that's part of the wonder of loving people - we get to be creative so that the love hits the mark in the way it's needed. I asked a wise friend once what we could do when someone doesn't want us to love them - do we respect their wishes and not love them? He pointed me to the way he sees God love others, that it doesn't stop even if it's not wanted. But he pointed out there are many ways of loving people. In-your-face love for those who don't want it might not be very loving!! Getting it right in my attempts to be kind and loving is hard sometimes but it doesn't stop me trying to fill other people's domes - there is so much filling to be done :D I hope your day has rainbow balloons or reminders from friends that you're ace. I'm hoping to find time to make a chocolate cake and card - and maybe I should buy some actual balloons. Is 12 too old for balloons tho??

dust inhalation

Unusually, I'm off to work in the hospital this morning - well, to be mentored so that I can work there when there's opportunities to do so. This means I don't get to clean this morning - tho will have time off on Friday to do so. Last night I decided to tackle the tops of the kitchen cupboards. Not because I think a bunch of 12 year old guests will be inspecting said cupboard tops. But it's a corresponding 12 years since they were installed and I don't recall ever in that time clambering up to clean them, and I spotted a whole lot of cobwebs above the cooker. That, it turns out, is because the cooker vent has come apart and so the greasy air hasn't been leaving the kitchen, but accumulating on the ceiling and collecting webs. I've hopefully fixed it now and feel a small sense of satisfaction - clearing away 12 years of dust in one go makes for very visible proof of effort (tho note to my 2025 self - remember to wear a dust mask). Of coursed you can't trust everything you read on the internet, but I just saw that the word inhalation is also know as inspiration. Cool. Hope you are inspired today, be it by dust, love, or whatever it is for you...

overflowing cups

Somedays it's hard to feel the love - I don't know why - I guess I get caught up in the doubts, the harshness, and it's hard to remember or notice just how much I'm loved. It all feels lonely and desperate.
Then other days I wake up and it's like I'm tangibly aware of it - like I said this morning it's as if my hand is being held by a friend, and I'm able to really soak it up, carry it with me and then radiate it.

A few weeks ago a lovely friend sent me a text that simply said "love you!" and I was so touched by her thinking of me and sending it. So today, in my loved up place, I sent the same back to her. And to a few other of my (female heterosexual) friends. It feels unhelpful to send it to my male friends for fear of it being misinterpreted, which is sad but I want to spread love not discord so it's not worth upsetting wives or girlfriends. I wonder if there will be mobiles in heaven and I will be able to text _everyone_ that I love them - or if I won't need to 'cos everyone will already know?

I really like the days when I'm in touch with how loved up I am. Not only 'cos it feels so warm, but 'cos I am in a much better place then to spread the love, which I really really really like doing. When my dome/spine/boots are filled with love, it spills over and my patience is greater, my listening better, and I'm more likely to be courageous/spontaneous. It is what makes the world go round, it is contagious: you give a little love and you get a little love of your own.

"so go answer your calling; go and fill somebody's cup... we are each other's angels... we keep each other going"

Thankyou for those times you have kept others going and filled their cup. I hope yours runneth over too.

so many books, not enough time

There is a pile of 9 books by my bed, all of which I'm part way through. Only one is a novel, the others all brilliant books on a variety of subjects. Despite this I sometimes then start reading other things too. It was with surprised delight that I last night started to read the Church of England's document "Some Issues in Human Sexuality". As a long time campaigner for ending prejudice and discrimination, I was pleased to read something that has been undertaken and written with sensitivity. I only made it part way through and then discovered this is a discussion document arising from the earlier, far more conservative "Issues in Human Sexuality". And the floors are only part mopped etc etc so I may not get much further with either of them. Also it's still very hard for me to read round the subjects of marriage/divorce and the church/Bible. So maybe 23 pages is enough for now and I'll come back to it another week.
In addition to all the books currently on the go, there are others I'm keen to read too. My friend with whom I was so pleased to chat over the weekend, was telling me of another, by Lionel Shriever whose "We need to talk about Kevin" I found incredibly thought provoking. This one is of a woman tempted to have an affair and each subsequent chapter alternates following the trajectory as if she had, and as if she hadn't. I'm attracted to stories like that, the whole concept of wondering what our lives would be like if just one thing changed, be it massive, like an affair, or tiny, like stopping to pick something up and so then "delaying" our day by 3 seconds.
I know some people think the what ifs are pointless. The days that I find particularly hard are the times I can find myself wondering what if - what if I was now in a better paid job, what might life be like if I wasn't a single parent. Mostly it's a way of me getting out of my system how tricky I'm finding it, and once it's out, I quickly notice just how many advantages there are to the way my life is, how lucky I am. As I've said before (am I getting too repetitive and boring now?) I guess it's the balance between the pointless what ifs that stop us enjoying the what is, and the motivating what ifs that help us make changes - to our own lives and to the communities we live/worship/work in. So "what if the church became less sexist" is a motivator if channelled to make changes. "What if I could spend the day in bed reading" is less so, unless I guess I actively work to make it happen, which as my "nothing is impossible" children would tell me, is doable if I really wanted it!!
Back to the opticians on my way into work today, much as I need to spend extra time at home to clean before the weekend. Maybe I'll go for a later work start tomorrow. I can feel my hand being held supportively today - I'm not on this obstacle course on my own. Hope you too can feel the love and support from wherever you find it. xx

life long learning

I'm still smirking over last night's incident. That's not quiet the right word is it - smirking somehow involves a bit of evil and laughing at someone else in a smug way. This is more of an amused squirm.
Anyway, hopefully it will tickle me for some time to come. I'm shortly off to lead a supervision. No youtube clips showing there. Then hopefully over to see someone recently out of hospital, see how he's doing.

I'm pleased that I'm not aching today. Taking down the pool yesterday was physically exerting. Saturday saw me get most of the rest of the water/swamp out. I discovered that less was more. Originally I tried heaving full buckets over the side. I soon learned that if I just scooped a little I could get into more of a smooth swing, a higher arc, and water would go further (also getting me less wet). Then yesterday I had help - which I couldn't have done without, thankyou Ben - and we scraped the last of the muck out and dismantled it all. I definitely spent more time scooping water out of the pool than I spent swimming in it this Summer. But next year I'll try again and it might be a different story. We're all learning, all the time. Did I tell you already about a former boss's wise saying that there's no such thing as a bad decision just outcomes we might not have expected. (Just checked, and yes I did, in April) So I'm not telling myself that buying a pool was a bad decision. It's all been part of my learning. I don't believe we have to see it as "learning the hard way" either. Whatever your lessons today, I hope you find delight in them :) Big love :D

mortified, me?

Right now, I'm still mortified and my cheeks are pink, although I also keep laughing about it so it can't be all that bad.
Picture, if you will, a church with several well known faces, and also a whole bunch of people coming along for the first time from another local church. A fab turnout for our "alternative worship". I was in the vestry ready for the pre-service prayer and we were missing one of the lovely people who had helped prepare for the service so I briefly dive back into the church to encourage her to join us. Showing on all the church monitors and screens is a you-tube clip of Nirvana, welcoming us to come as we are. Imagine my horror when just as I walk in, the screen fills with the message "listening to pop music turns you into a fucking idiot."

Oops.

Not quite the alternative I was aiming for. But as a wise friend pointed out, at least I saw it so was then able to apologise for not vetting more carefully, rather than leave them all wondering if I really am that subversive (no, no I'm not - can you feel the blush from there??).

That apart, the whole thing went well. The "bright hope/joy" zone was much better received than I anticipated - people made good use of the joke book, enjoyed the pig of happiness, and several folk blew the party blower and sent balloons whizzing round the church. And given how much I distance myself from some of the wider church's dubious activities re "healing" I was pleased that the healing zone seemed to be appreciated too.

Next time I shall watch anything I'm showing much more avidly - I must have blinked/turned away for those 3 seconds. And it can't have been all that bad - the steward at the end suggested I consider local preaching given I'm so talented at it. Hmmm.

an hour

A radio presenter asked this week "if you could spend an hour with anyone in the world, who would it be?" I can - to a limited extent - see the appeal of meeting up with someone "famous" for being inspirational, with the hope that in asking them for tips, I'd come away all buoyed up. But an hour is just an hour, and the people I'd most rather spend an hour with are those I have ongoing relationships with. As you'll probably know, I dislike the celebrity culture that gets much lauded. Just because someone's story - or just a part of their story, perhaps packaged, certainly twisted - has made news, doesn't make them more interesting or important than any other person I meet/already know.
So the people that immediately came to my mind were my besties - the people who I love dearly but just don't get enough time with. So I've decided that I will definitely try and make time this weekend to ring a couple of them, just to remind them how much they mean to me. The other people who came to mind are my children  - which is good 'cos it's easy to take for granted the time I have with them. We watched Children in Need together last night - we very rarely watch TV together cos I'm not a TV person. It was good to snuggle on the sofa, me bawling my eyes out, and feel appreciative that we are so lucky to be able to spend time together. And I managed to donate without giving away more than I'd earned this week (just).
So today we have the whole day together - I have no doubts there will be arguments and times when we wish we were doing anything else! Especially as the fun planned for today is a bit tenuous. Next weekend we'll be celebrating my daughter's birthday so not only will it be full on, but lots of her new friends will be stopping over in the house. So whilst we don't want to overdo it energy-wise this weekend, we do need to tidy and clean the house. That is no small undertaking. My plan is - when they wake up - to see if we can draw up a room by room list, detailing all the tasks required there, and asking what treat we could have once we've completed them (mine will be to phone friends. I suspect theirs will be more costly).
Today has 24 hours in it. I hope you get to spend some of them with those who mean most to you. Even if it is with your hand down the toilet...

chocolate bean challenge

 

Today is Children in Need and this week I've already happily bought quite a lot of fundraising cake :D Last night my son made a cake ready for his school Pudsey Bear bake off. He wanted to decorate it with multi coloured chocolate beans. None on the market ("we usually have them but not today"); none at Co-op that were not produced by Nestle (I've boycotted Nestle since I was 17. Click on the logo above to find out why).
Over at my local sweet shop there's a sign saying "Back in 5 mins" so I sent my son later - who I later discovered had bought chocolate coloured chocolate beans, and so not going to produce the desired spotty effect. And so we later had to go to another shop, which again had none - so we bought some rainbow drops which did the job nicely.

We will watch it on the tele tonight - after an long day at work including a workshop this afternoon, then a drumming lesson, and then a sing with my local rather than Preston choir. I'll be in need of cake by then so good job he made some spare!!

we are social beings

3 years and 2 months down the line, it suddenly occurs to me maybe I could see the problem from a different perspective. I'm enjoying the brilliant book on raising children with love and it talks of us as social beings. And so the penny drops - maybe it's not me that's wrong and needs to change, maybe it's the situation/culture? Those who know me well might be now smiling wryly - how like me to think it's all my fault/responsibility!
So, here's the issue. An average of two nights a week, the house doesn't have my children in it and I struggle to sleep/stay content. My goal has been to learn to love my own company. Now actually, the truth is there are times I already love my own company. I look forwards to having pockets of time when I can do my own thing and not need to pay others attention. What I don't like is sleeping alone - and somehow I'd got to a place of pushing myself - instead of treating myself as I would any friend who was sad, with empathy that it is so hard for them, I have been adding it to my list of failures, that I can't learn to like it, so many others have to do it, I should think myself lucky I have a warm house and contact with so many people during the day etc etc - I'd never dream of being so harsh with others so why do that to myself? Interestingly, I often manage to be kinder to myself the day after I've (not) slept on my own.

Last night I wondered if I can see it differently. I can rejoice that I am a social being, and accept that for millennia, human beings have lived and slept in groups. I'm just in touch with that and refuse to deny that part of who I am by falling for the current cultural expectation that we should prize independence. I made this jump from reading this last night:

"Independence is one of the big themes in modern parenting. We all want autonomous children! Children who get up and go to bed when they want, who only do their homework when they feel like it, who decide for themselves whether they go to school or not, who dress the way they want and eat what they like...
Goodness, no! Not that type of independence. We want our children to be independent, but to do exactly what we tell them."
and then ""In fact, what many parents mean when they say, 'I want my child to be independent', is in fact: 'I want him to sleep on his own without calling for me, to eat well and on his own, to play on his own quietly, not to bother me and for him to be perfectly happy when I go out and leave him with someone else' Yet it isn't reasonable to expect that of a child or an adult. Humans are social animals and consequently our autonomy doesn't consist of living alone on a desert island, but living in a human group." (Carlos Gonzalez, Kiss me: How to raise your children with love. p95)

So, what if I were to change my goal: I want to find ways of reducing my isolation. This may include my original goal if I choose but is much broader. What if now I'm aware of just how harrowing loneliness can be, I can channel my energies into devising ways of reducing isolation in my community. Practically, I feel I hit barriers straight away. My children don't want things at home to change, so I can't join a commune, or get a lodger. Having to look after the dog overnight means I can't set up a rota of lonely people that I go and crash on their sofas. But the children reminded me the other day that I have taught them that nothing is impossible (when did I teach them that and why??). That if I really wanted to, I could find someone to look after the dog and go and share a home overnight with whoever. (I'm amused that the obstacle I think most difficult here is finding someone to look after the dog, not that there might be people who think I'm dodgy by offering to come and sleep on their sofa). Maybe I could offer a bed to a homeless person those nights I know the kids aren't here? Again, I'm only limited by my imagination/willingness to sort things out to get things right for myself/the world. Onwards and upwards people. xx

Sometimes I cheer myself up by being ridiculous :) How long before social services/the police rang me if I were to put this up in my neighbouring old people's home??

a three phone day

I'm doing a home visit for one of my roles (one work phone needed) on my way into my usual Wed work (other work phone needed). I'll also have my personal mobile with me or how else will I feel connected to those I love and who might need to get hold of me? Tho if any ring I will have a comical scramble through my pockets to locate the right one. I ate my emergency chocolate supply yesterday and the only replacement I can find is a block that resembles a phone too closely to happily put it into my pocket today...
Hope your day is full of feeling connected to loved ones (but not cos it's an emergency) and plenty of chocolate. Or, whatever it is that are the things that bring you the most happiness :D

and work love

Somedays breastfeeding hits the news. This can be good - means people get talking about it, maybe get chance to air their experiences, good or bad, and be heard. There may be opportunities to let people know just how much support is available now. Sometimes tho, it can just seem to stir up emotions that don't get a chance to be heard well, it can get divisive of women into those who did, or didn't, or tried to breastfeed, and the word "guilt" comes up - people can feel guilty or "be made" to feel guilty. And I really find it hard, bring part of that, and being labelled as being part of that.
I do what I do for lots and lots of reasons. To give support to women to enable them to continue to feed for as long as they want to rather than stop earlier than that because they are struggling without support. To give information to women so they can make the decisions that best suit them, not ones that are solely swayed by advertising/cultural/family pressure. To encourage women to trust their bodies and not feel they have to buy a product - it is possible to view breastfeeding as an anti-capitalist and environmental act. To improve health outcomes for babies and mothers, mentally, physically and emotionally. To listen well to mums and give them space to work out whatever it is _they_ want.
It's been emotive, today's news story (about incentives. not the Philippines disaster in which breastfeeding is a life and death issue. Our bodies are amazing and even if we as mums struggle to eat and drink enough, we will still make top quality milk. Clean water is essential for making up formula, as is power to make sure it's at least 70 degrees when added to the powder, plus power and accommodation so bottles etc can be sterilised.) I'm sure I'll be listening to people's views on the incentives research for a while yet. I was pleased to read the response put out by the charity I work and volunteer for. I believe it is support that matters and needs to be available for all, regardless of what motivates women to breastfeed.

love work

We enjoyed a "sunday lunch" last night - should have them more often. As a child I had one most sundays - my kids only get one when I'm in the mood, maybe once a month at most (and not always on a sunday, obviously!). I have the leftovers for my lunch so am looking forwards to that. Opticians on the way to work so speedy start again today. I don't like speedy starts - I know I'm incredibly lucky to manage my own time and not work fulltime which means I can do a range of stuff and not start as early as most people. But I also know that the non-work stuff I do is just as important as the work stuff - not just for me but the people I interact with too.
I was asked at the weekend as to what I did now (as an immediate follow up to a question about what my degree was). I can see it's not a logical career progression from geographer to breastfeeding peer supporter but hey, logic isn't a motivator for me! I didn't get chance to ask what they "do" - I was more interested in their plans for that particular day - I guess that's cos I don't think we're defined by what we do for work.
Anyway, people to love, places to be. Big hugs lovely readers :)

watching

Living opposite a primary school was a totally brilliant idea. Just the one child there now, and I watch him skip over the playground to his classroom door, without needing to leave the house. Sometimes I delay my shower til later in the morning - if I'm working from home I've found it's a good way of warming me up about an hour after the heating has gone off. So I watch in my dressing gown, wondering what I'd do if he fell over - I suspect he'd be more embarrassed having me dash to his aid in my PJs than he'd be cross about my not being there to help.
And the nights he's not with me, I hover in my lounge, hopeful to catch sight of him, and sometimes grab a hug first, on his way in.

snuggly jumpers

Relished my lie in and didn't want to get up, only to discover on opening the curtains that it's a beautiful morning and I wished I'd got up earlier!! oh well, no point wishing things are different than they are - just make the most of it and get out with the dog for a brisk walk before church. We're back in the season of thick snuggly jumpers - yay! Hope you're cosy wherever you are...

getting it right

I've had a fab day :D
I loved meeting Hollie McNish and having her speak to us at our AGM. She seemed a bit embarrassed at us giving her a standing ovation. I quite like embarrassing people by showing them just how much they are liked.
I've had my parenting affirmed which is something I want to keep doing for myself more often. So I bought a second hand book on raising your children with love - not cos I think I need to learn how to, but so that I can remind myself just how well I'm doing. I've also read this:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kelly-m-flanagan/the-reason-every-kid-should-talk-back-to-their-parents_b_4226417.html

which has given me food for thought too.
Freezer surprise for tea (sometimes it takes a while to learn my lessons) and an early night with my book. I can still feel the power of the hugs I've had over the last couple of days. I hope you've had plenty too :D

happier.com

I laughed at this email from someone:
"I've just read an article about a new social network site that sounds like your kind of thing. It's just like Facebook but it's all positive stuff and people commenting to share in your joy. Have a look at their homepage, it shows examples of the types of things people put.

It's not for me - I think it all sounds a little crazy but I reckon you would fit in well in their community!"

And so the backhanded compliment made me laugh! But she seems right - I joined today and am already liking it :D So I invited a few other friends and got some lovely emails back - spreading the joy really works :D

There was a comment at choir tonight about coming for the joy not the singing. I go for both, and the love I felt at the end compared to the turmoil I entered with was vast. That power of being welcomed, listened to, affirmed, accepted can change our perspective so much. Any person/community that can do that is to be celebrated :D

Tomorrow I'm off v early to my work AGM - another community that does just that. I am a very lucky person indeed. Hope whatever you are doing you get to notice just how much you are wanted and the difference you make in the lives of those around you.
xx

come as you are

Well, I might be making one of my wishes come true.
I've been planning the next alt worship, around the theme "take what you need" based on the poster I placed up in the park recently. I want there to be zones where people can seek what they need, be it rest (beanbags, mellow music and candles) or joy - mirrors and a joke book? need a bit more of thought there...
Anyhow, as people arrive, I'm hoping we can have up the song and lyrics of Nirvana's Come as you are. Some youtube versions are not appropriate but I've screened the one I'm hoping to use :)

Singing hopefully tonight - I missed it when I didn't go last week. V late night last night tho, and off to work at 8.40 - which is still a whole hour later than tomorrow's daft o clock start!!

The lyrics that are jumping out at me from songs at the mo are all about wishing I didn't have to spend time in the hard places - I'd really like to "skip to the good bit" - or encourage others to get there sooner. But of course it doesn't work like that. The good bit comes after the struggle and shortcuts are rare. So of course I shall try and practice what I preach - accepting myself and others just as we are - struggling and knackered, but still beautiful and perfect in our imperfections :D

Meanwhile I liked this pic: http://thedoghousediaries.com/5468

and I learned today that lyrics I have forever thought went "a bit of my sandwich" is actually "Vegemite sandwich". This was a lighter moment as I've mainly been failing to imagine what 200 miles an hour winds might be like.

stress reduction

What reduces your stress levels? I very much liked seeing a poster today with ten top tips such as:
Make time for fun
Offer and accept help
Learn more about something that amazes you

See the poster and other simple suggestions here:
http://www.stresslesstips.org/

We're all beautifully different tho so I challenge you to write your own top 10.
Mine would include:
Hug someone I love
Hug someone I don't yet love/have never met
Sing, sing sing sing - out as loudly as I can
Dance - just put some music on and get on my feet
Phone/email/see a friend and remember just how much I'm loved
Talk it out and get a less intense perspective
Go outside and breathe in some fresh air/look at the clouds/touch the grass/stroke some bark
Read a book - doesn't have to be a novel - just something that pulls me out of my distress

That leaves me 2 more to think about/steal from other people's ideas. It's tempting to include "eat nice stuff" - tho I eat so much rubbish food I suspect it doesn't reduce my stress in the longer term. And I do like a nice bath, but cleaning it/sorting out enough hot water can increase the stress too. I shall keep thinking what my other two might be.
And of course what is interesting is I don't make so much time for these things as I could...
Another early start tomorrow but I will definitely factor in at least some of these tomorrow. Hope you have a day full of things that make you happy/reduce your stress too :D

rushed balance

No time today - early to work, then to dentist after - maybe some chips from the chippie round the corner from the dentist as then no time before I'm off to choir. dash dash dash.
I've been thinking about attention and how I need more of it as I'm being asked to give a lot of mine. If I don't have balance, I can't give out enough.

Enjoyed this, as it's good to feel less isolated in my worldview by having someone state something similar.
http://johnvoelz.com/everything-happens-for-a-reason/

Hope you get a good balance today of you and others :)

laughter lines

I do like a laugh :)
Thing is, so much humour seems to be at someone's expense, and then I just don't find it funny. So I often get my joy from wordplay. For English A level, we studied Sheridan's The Rivals, with Mrs Malaprop and her misuse of words. Like my son, I enjoy a good anagram that's funny (who remembers "flowery twats?"). And yesterday enjoyed a cracking company name on a van down my street:
Weed it n reap.

There were also some sad changes I discovered yesterday. The people I've trusted my money to for over 20 years were in need of rescuing and I didn't know. I only briefly heard a bit of news about it so I'm not much clearer now.
And my favourite local path, full of twists and unexpected vistas, has been bulldozed into a wide straight road. Again, it's too late, nothing I can do.
I'm saddened by both discoveries but I'm not going to invest any emotional worry into either situation. They have already happened,and my experience of unplanned change is that there's no point wishing I'd made more of what I had, that I will still be fine and will just have to seek out the new opportunities for joy.

Hope you find something to like in whatever comes your way today :)

kind little things

One of my many lovely friends sent an unexpected text today that was much appreciated. Whenever we spot an opportunity to do something kind, I hope we take it. His text made me cry.
As did watching this.
https://www.upworthy.com/a-bus-driver-just-saw-a-terrible-situation-and-hit-the-brakes-to-save-a-womans-life

I love the shares on Upworthy. You've probably noticed.
Hope you don't have to do this. But also hope that whatever kind little thing you do, you know it makes a difference.

aging gracefully

I'm not used to feeling this old. Maybe it was the falling down the stairs, but my arms just haven't felt right - raking up leaves this afternoon was really rather tricky. And then my son commented on how my hair is greying - which it is, so absolutely fine for him to comment - except it's one of those sensitive areas isn't it - something that other parents might object to their kids talking about. I'm really hoping I can hold on to my principles and age just as nature intended without buying into the hype that we are supposed to buy products to hide our aging. I've never bought moisturiser, let alone anti-wrinkle cream. It's another one of those issues that can divide us women one from another, like make-up, so I'm not wishing to perpetuate that divisiveness here. I don't think women who buy stuff are wrong - tho I do get angry at the profit-seeking culture that repeatedly tells us that we are not OK just the way we are, that we have to buy buy buy endless pots and potions and colourants and who knows what, rather than let the world see - shock horror - that as we get older we look different than we did before.

Right now that's fine. But I wonder when my contracts next run out and I'm job searching again, will I have the confidence to be the me that I am rather than the "look the part" as to what is expected of a woman my age - which is to cover the grey, to paint my face and generally keep up appearances. I'll use deodorant and brush my teeth - I'm not against some product purchasing. Does that make me a hypocrite? Who defines just how "basic" basic hygiene is?? I suspect I'd have hated life in the Middle Ages.

Here in what I'm hoping is my own middle ages, I'm going to take my achy body to bed, and hopefully will be less grumpy after a rest :)

PS, this is what partly inspired tonight's train of thought:
http://www.upworthy.com/see-why-we-have-an-absolutely-ridiculous-standard-of-beauty-in-just-37-seconds

skilled sailors

10/10 for good attention to the reader who emailed me to ask what I thought of The Sound of Music as I blogged when I was about to watch it, then said nothing. Well, as seems to be the case in my life right now, things didn't go as smoothly as planned and to cut a long story short I only got to watch half. Two months later and I've now seen to the end - hurrah! I do like my films to have a heart warming message rather than blood guts and gore, so it was of course right up my street. As were the other 2 films I watched in my 2 day holiday - The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, and Horton Hears a Who. Maybe I'm just still a kid. I don't understand why watching violence helps anyone bloom. I understand that there are horrors we need to know of, rather than pretend don't exist/didn't happen. And I've heard before how people need a safe outlet for otherwise overwhelming feelings of rage - is that what film makers are doing?
I don't know and don't have the space right now to have an intellectual in depth discussion (with myself. although I have had 2 comments now this year that weren't from myself!!)
So I'm going to stick with my kids films. And TV episodes - I enjoyed the Mr Men last night.
And my mantra for today as spotted on facebook is:
"A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor"
Tho the occasional smooth sea as an opportunity to reflect on my developing skills is always welcome!!!

would you like me to make you a brew?

I often have a couple of cups of tea a day - earl grey if I'm feeling miserable and in need of the boost that the bergamot provides. I'm not one for starting my day with a brew - preferring the energy giving burst of a glass of orange juice. However, when I have a cold my tea consumption multiplies, and so I'm nursing an earl grey already. I'm not convinced by the brand I recently bought - it seems a bit dishwatery, although maybe that's due to the cold affecting my taste buds.
I've worked out that next week there is excitement every evening, what with me finally getting round to sorting my son his birthday drumming lessons, a fireworks night, and we have an Abba party to look forwards to moreso than the dentist visit. Quite when the homework is going to get done I don't know. So I feel a quiet weekend will make sense, getting myself better before the onslaught of the week. I'm glad that for part of the weekend I just have the one child as that's all my capacity feels up to. But it might mean that child has plans for our special time just the two of us, that are more energetic than I'd like. Let's hope not.
If you don't get a cuppa made for you this weekend, I hope you get to find someone who would appreciate you making one for them. Even if it's a neighbour out sweeping up leaves. Spread the tea people, spread the love.