so many books, not enough time

There is a pile of 9 books by my bed, all of which I'm part way through. Only one is a novel, the others all brilliant books on a variety of subjects. Despite this I sometimes then start reading other things too. It was with surprised delight that I last night started to read the Church of England's document "Some Issues in Human Sexuality". As a long time campaigner for ending prejudice and discrimination, I was pleased to read something that has been undertaken and written with sensitivity. I only made it part way through and then discovered this is a discussion document arising from the earlier, far more conservative "Issues in Human Sexuality". And the floors are only part mopped etc etc so I may not get much further with either of them. Also it's still very hard for me to read round the subjects of marriage/divorce and the church/Bible. So maybe 23 pages is enough for now and I'll come back to it another week.
In addition to all the books currently on the go, there are others I'm keen to read too. My friend with whom I was so pleased to chat over the weekend, was telling me of another, by Lionel Shriever whose "We need to talk about Kevin" I found incredibly thought provoking. This one is of a woman tempted to have an affair and each subsequent chapter alternates following the trajectory as if she had, and as if she hadn't. I'm attracted to stories like that, the whole concept of wondering what our lives would be like if just one thing changed, be it massive, like an affair, or tiny, like stopping to pick something up and so then "delaying" our day by 3 seconds.
I know some people think the what ifs are pointless. The days that I find particularly hard are the times I can find myself wondering what if - what if I was now in a better paid job, what might life be like if I wasn't a single parent. Mostly it's a way of me getting out of my system how tricky I'm finding it, and once it's out, I quickly notice just how many advantages there are to the way my life is, how lucky I am. As I've said before (am I getting too repetitive and boring now?) I guess it's the balance between the pointless what ifs that stop us enjoying the what is, and the motivating what ifs that help us make changes - to our own lives and to the communities we live/worship/work in. So "what if the church became less sexist" is a motivator if channelled to make changes. "What if I could spend the day in bed reading" is less so, unless I guess I actively work to make it happen, which as my "nothing is impossible" children would tell me, is doable if I really wanted it!!
Back to the opticians on my way into work today, much as I need to spend extra time at home to clean before the weekend. Maybe I'll go for a later work start tomorrow. I can feel my hand being held supportively today - I'm not on this obstacle course on my own. Hope you too can feel the love and support from wherever you find it. xx