That which I do have power over

At the cusp of a new year it is a good time to reflect on what I want to take charge of and try differently. I've just extended my last blog on questions, as it is a particularly good time to be asking ourselves questions.

I've noticed I've been struggling with the feeling that I am no longer anyone's number one's priority. This has some basis in reality - I used to have a spouse who had made various promises, and I used to have young children  and when they are little, as their mum you are the centre of their universe :) Having done that role well, they now are independent with lives very distinct from my own. Tho I have asked that we play family games and do some hanging out on the two days I have booked off this week, so I'm hoping that comes to pass as I am looking forward to that.

The truth is tho that I believe the only way we will successfully live our lives, even if we have a spouse or young children, is to remember that we have to prioritise ourselves (the putting on our own oxygen mask first example that I keep coming back to as the best tip I have ever received). If everyone took responsibility for working on their own baggage, and so didn't have expectations of others to fulfil their needs, we would all get along a whole lot better I think :)

And so I'm taking charge of my life -
Here's what I want to change and my first steps for each in bringing that about.

1. Do more yoga. a) remove the old desk that is taking up my floor space whilst it waits for someone on freegle to want it. b) set up mat. c) set alarm on phone that prompts me each day to have a session.

2. See my friends more  - some of my closest friends I've not seen in years. a) make a list, b) contact each and actually work out a date.

3. Read more - a) simply stop checking Facebook so often. And stop waiting on other people's timetables and just do my own thing :)

What do you want to change in your own life?

Good questions

I like a good question, I'm frequently asking myself and others all kinds of interesting ones. I've realised that it's why I have a good fit in my new job, my ability to ask people the sort of questions that can help. Fascinatingly, it is the one area where I am out of type in my myers briggs profile, and in the suggestions section it points out that not everyone likes to be asked a barrage of questions. I have on numerous occasions been asked by my loved ones to stop with the badgering.
I was alerted to these and think they're great. There are several I can't answer so will come back to.

http://www.marcandangel.com/2018/12/28/19-questions-that-will-open-your-mind-in-2019/

Giving

The preacher on Sunday encouraged us to think about those we knew personally who might be struggling. So I bought some chocolate and arranged to pop in to see someone who has had a rough time recently. Turned out to be the highlight of my day. I was clambered over by attentive gorgeous children, had a brew and a chat, and for that hour had purpose and company :-) Maybe it's not even that giving is better than receiving, maybe it's that we receive when we give.
Christmas day and what I'm most looking forward to is my time on the helpline. It's not usually busy so I may not get company, but even if there are no calls, by ensuring it's open, I will have purpose :-)

Complex

We are complex beings, capable of experiencing several emotions simultaneously. I find it completely possible to scroll through my Facebook feed and feel genuine delight at seeing the happy faces of friends having jolly times, whilst also noticing my sadness that for me it's not a day to capture cheery memories. I know there will be other days tho, that I persuade people to join me in something fun or novel.
And there will also be days when I don't even have to persuade people, the joy will happen and it won't be because I insisted :-)

Connect your charger

My tablet frequently tells me to connect my charger. I think it's a message to me too. I'm currently using up some annual leave so working intermittently but in between there's still lots of jobs rather than downtime. I did watch a film yesterday... On my own, which is unheard of. I am glad I watched it but I would always rather have company.
I'm already finding this time of year hard. Lots of people asking about my plans for Christmas. It's the time I most struggle with the feelings that this wasn't how things were meant to be. I hate that my children's time gets divided between families, I hate saying goodbye to them for a week on Christmas day.
I've heard of some "blue Christmas" services for people who struggle to be merry at this time of year  My nearest isn't all that near, I'll possibly go, but I'm thinking maybe next year I can see if we can run one locally, ie put one on myself. See a need,  fill a need!

Questions vs answers. Dark vs light.

I have been thinking about God being in the darkness. Often the way Christian imagery gets deployed, it is all about Light overcoming darkness. But what if darkness is not a bad thing after all? Certainly there's much that still needs to be done to address the racist construction of white and light as good, black and dark as bad.
There is a book I would like to read about someone's experience of losing their sight and becoming immersed in darkness. I also am aware that recently I learned that the times of disruption in our lives are when we learn and grow most. What if instead of believing that we need light to illuminate our thinking, we discovered that dark periods have much to offer?
I'm finding myself in a metaphorical dark patch at the moment. Interestingly this has parallels with my actual location, in a beautiful theological college set in a gorgeous rural spot. I know this to be true and am grateful for so much about being here. I've not seen any of the scenery though, it has been shrouded in fog and the days have seemed short and even at the sun's peak, not light enough to photograph. The fact that I can't see it doesn't mean it is not there. Maybe when things are bleak, or murky, it means we become more vigilant, we lean more on other aspects of our life such as faith. Do I need to see the hills to trust they are there? What tho  about the cliff that I have heard of, that I gather gives this college its name. I will not go looking for that this time! So whilst I hope that my next visit, in the summer, will be brighter, I think there is a message for me that we do not have to adhere to an assumption that light is the answer. Maybe the questions are more significant than the answers in any case.

Unionized

I've just joined my first union! Given how left I lean, it's shocking that I've reached this age without being in one before. And now I think harder, I have been in credit unions so it's not technically my first.
This isn't a workplace one either. Maybe because the places I've worked have mainly been left leaning anyway, I've not felt the need? My current employer birthed the Labour party, which I was excited to discover.
Anyway back to my new union. I've finally got round to joining the Peace Pledge Union, and it does feel good to belong to it. It feels like it has made my pacifism more official, and less isolated. I've long been committed to peace and believe we can all take personal steps in bringing that about. So for example, I long ago decided that I would try really hard to be an ending place of hurt rather than perpetuate it. That means when someone lashes out at me I do all I can to not retaliate. If we all did that we'd have world peace in no time : D
There's been much said about peace over the weekend, but like everything, I don't think it just happens with wishful thinking. It requires actual action. Intentionality. Hard and sometimes painful work. No wonder we'd sometimes rather wish it into being rather than Make It Happen. I'm proud to know loads of people who are actively bringing about peace in ways that don't make headlines but do make a difference :-)

Perceptions of time and money

I know that today has had no more time in it, that our lives are a continuum until they end, but the hour change shows just how enslaved I am to the way it is marked in minutes. As always, I have got good value out of my "extra" hour, using it multiple times and employing it again right now to justify an early night. I find the way I feel about the entire weekend is impacted, luxuriating in what is actually a fictitious addition, as no more time is actually created, its just how we label it.
In a vaguely similar vein, I have also noticed this weekend how my attitude to my green waste removal has altered now that I pay directly for it. When I paid for it out of my council tax, I didn't give much attention as to whether I filled the green bin or not. Then a separate paying system was introduced and as money was tight I did without for 12 months. This year I paid an annual subscription and have changed my behaviour so that every fortnight I make sure there's plenty in it. I wonder how long before the novelty wears off along with the insistence of value for money and I go back to sporadic use ?
Our minds are fascinating!

Top 3

A wise friend once recommended finishing each day by thinking of 3 things for which I'm grateful. It really was a fabulous suggestion and one I'd encourage you to consider. Given my location at the day's end, mine invariably include a warm bed and soft dog. This latter choice is often cunningly used by my offspring to further their case for whatever they are trying to shift my reluctance from. Today it was a couple of guinea pigs to keep the recently bereaved one company. As I expressed my doubts about my willingness to continue to care for them long after my daughter will have fled the nest, I was reminded how I wasn't keen on getting a dog but look how much I love him now. Hmmm.

Since each night I tend to choose the same 2 of 3, I am going to challenge myself to find other moments in the day to pause and notice 3 things I'm grateful for. I know it will improve my existence in the process. Already I try and use it as an instant head shift when I feel inadequate, or under the weather, or got at. Lots of us privileged folk carry such a sense of entitlement it's easy to automatically feel aggrieved instead of immense gratitude, when actually there is so much to appreciate.

(My third tonight was the honeyed cashew nuts in the amazing Chinese dish for tea. I have 40 years of catching up to do, having only recently discovered the delights of Chinese food following a dodgy couple of experiences as a youngster leading me to believe I didn't like Chinese food).

What, right now, are your 3?

Forgiveness

I've come across a quote from Hana Malik that I really like.

"Forgiveness is
taking the knife out of your own back
and not using it on anyone else
no matter how
they hurt you"

I'm sure I will have blogged before on interrupting the cycle of hurt. The anti bullying work we used to do with the young people in schools was based on the principle of stopping hurt and violence in its tracks rather than perpetuating it. We all have choices when we get hurt, to retaliate, or to take out that hurt elsewhere (being grumpy with the kids), or working really hard to own the hurt and be the place where it ends.

I think the latter choice requires most effort :-)  Firstly we have to notice how we're feeling so we don't unintentionally pass it on. Then we have to deal with the bleeding, metaphorically speaking. Acknowledging the pain, maybe have someone adept to help us stem the loss if it's in a hard to reach place, be gentle with ourselves around the  wound. Then consciously respond in a way we wish.  What might a loving response look like? Is letting it go and no response the best way forwards?

There's still much for me to learn here, I'm sure I will continue to receive opportunities to practice ;)

One or two degrees

I'm trying to remember what had me caring about climate change back before many had even heard of it. My geography teachers were inspirational, and my grandparents gave me an ace theological resource I wish I could now locate.

I'm proud that 30 years ago I was asking shopkeepers why they automatically gave a carrier bag and was writing projects on renewable energies. Yet here we are and it's not enough. We all need to be doing more, right now. Some of the steps we're encouraged to consider, like eating less meat, I've long since undertaken. So my next step is to choose less dairy. Someone suggested that now I earn more, I don't have to only shop in charity shops for clothes, yet buying second hand is another important environmental principle for me, so I'll continue with that.

I've noticed that having more money and less time can increase my carbon footprint. When low on energy and spare minutes, it's tempting to jump in the car instead of walk. I've not managed to get to my local farm shop as often so have been buying bread in plastic wrappers when I could have got my bread fresh from there. So far I have managed to continue making soup on a Sunday for my lunches, so that is saving some plastic cartons. But I'm still buying way too many plastic enrobed items.

I want to be intentional in my increased spending rather than use my new disposable income on convenience that costs the planet. Maybe I can save so that my next second hand car could be an electric one? Perhaps I could save up for more solar panels?

And what will it take for more of us to take our responsibility seriously? (*despairs at Trump's response. Again. *)

Supporting grief better

I was so pleased that on Saturday I had chance to get to a pop up grief shop in town. I bought some postcards that I will be able to send when needed, and was asked why I had gone in (not in an unhelpful way, the point of the people there was to assist conversations about grief). I explained I was keen to support them (they're touring with this concept) as I feel we don't support grieving well in our culture. I don't feel we encourage or even allow people to grieve deep enough or long enough.
https://www.blogpreston.co.uk/2018/09/shop-to-help-people-talk-about-grief-opens-in-preston/

Then today I saw a great short video on how we're often so keen to have people feel better we just don't stay with people in their pain when what is really needed is simply acknowledgement of it. I often struggle with this even tho I do know this is the thing to do. Even today I hurried my friend on to a more positive place rather than gave enough space for them to stay with the difficulty.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=l2zLCCRT-nE

So we're all still learning and practising. I'm sharing this link here cos it looks great and next time I need to share it I can find it right here.

https://www.refugeingrief.com/

Rainbow weekend

I'm delighted that something positive has blossomed from the ill advised and poorly named 'festival of hope' happening at my nearby town. To have as it's main attraction a speaker well known for his denigration of Muslims and gay couples, in a place that works hard to ensure all are welcome, makes no sense to me. Happily tho, a whole host of lovely people showed up to proclaim that not all Christians, and not everyone in Blackpool, think it's ok. It was great to be embraced by big Jesus, and to look for decorated pebbles placed earlier in the day by young people declaring #Lancashire4Love

I'm back tonight for a prayer service as part of the rainbow weekend. There's a fantastic article about it here: https://honesttogodweb.wordpress.com/2018/09/19/the-truth-about-the-rainbow-weekend/
If you don't have time for the whole thing, this paragraph sums it up for me:

"...to welcome people that Graham’s brand of Christianity would exclude. Week after week our churches welcome people in God’s name. Week after week we take God’s love into our communities. We include people – often people that some other churches have excluded. We affirm people – again, often when other churches do not affirm them. We respect our Muslim brothers and sisters and engage with them, rather than dismiss them as “evil and very wicked”. For us the Rainbow Weekend is about being ourselves – “doing” church as we always do, to send out a signal that Graham’s brand of intolerant Christianity is not the only one out there."

Great thinking whoever organised for the tower to be lit up with a rainbow :-)

Journallling

My quietness may last a while. Partly the shift into the new job whilst I still juggle other things means I simply have less time. Partly because I read an ace piece on the power of journalling - but a key factor is to write privately so you can really explore what you need to rather than for an audience. My plan is to keep sharing my reflections when I can, but for now some of that reflecting has gone offline :-)
Meanwhile I can't recommend Brene Brown strongly enough. It's a bit spooky as each time I read it, that section then turns out to be on whatever key word had jumped out at me already that day. I wonder what tomorrow's revelations will consist of?

Wholehearted

I'm enjoying my new job and new colleagues and new thinking far :-)

Interestingly today we were encouraged to think what we were each bringing with us on our journey and for me the word that came up was wholehearted. So how excited am I to start my new book received for my birthday, by Brene Brown, the gifts of imperfection, and discover that it's all about being wholehearted. I love it when I spot a theme :-)

An identified facet of a wholehearted existence tho is a balance of rest and play as well as work. So if my reading for fun overlaps my reading for work I'll have to be extra vigilant about getting enough rest :-)

I hope you too are delighting in whatever your own particular current theme is.

Relight my fire

Did you hear the story about the guy who lost his wallet at greenbelt and when he got it back there was more money in it than when he lost it?
Whilst not strictly true (he thinks he'd just forgotten about the extra tenner) it does for me sum up the festival. Several people lost things (I-phone, wallet) and all were handed in with nothing taken. It's that kind of place.
As usual my favourite moments were hanging out with friends old and new. Catching up with those I've not seen for a whole year, and getting glimpses into lives of people I'd just met on the sofa in the angels lounge. There was also great music, talks (I may have been a bit choked up in the one led by a rabbi about what his dogs can teach us about spirituality) and worship. Another highlight was the procession to a worship session led by dancers from the Igorot tribe in the Philippines. We had to take our lit candles across the pontoon bridge and around the edge of a breezy lake. I enjoyed the symbolism of having to keep relighting from each other's candles as the wind kept snuffing them out. I feel it's how I live my life, mainly all bright, a large dancing flame. Only then something comes along and the flame peters out and handily there are good folk around who lean over and relight it, just as I do repeatedly for them.
I start my new job this morning and am grateful for the people who I know are wishing me well, and who have been relighting my flame that means I've reached this point. My contract officially began yesterday and it felt like an auspicious start to be raising a mug of tea in a field of tents, celebrating faith. I wonder what will happen next?

Steadying

I have spent the last 8 years alongside some powerful characters in Robin Hobb's fantasy world of wolf magic and dragons. One of my friends recommended her books as a great place to escape to whilst feeling the rawness of my husband's departure. Several trilogies later, I have been reluctant to reach the very end but now seems a fitting time with my own new life chapter about to begin. Despite the unlikeliness of me finding delight in tales of torture and destruction, I have loved the connectedness of the characters (some of whom can contact each other through thought alone, a gift I'm especially envious of when in an area of weak mobile signal. Not understanding how it works, I did wonder if yesterday's drizzle made it even harder to get through cos I couldn't even get my one working spot).
One of the main teachings for me came from the wolf who lived in the moment. He was good at advising people to not waste energy fretting. If an opportunity arises to sleep, far better to do that and be fresh for the challenges ahead than waste the time worrying. It is easier said than done but is wise.
Not only have I said goodbye to my Farseer friends in those books, I've also finished "feel the fear" again. It still has so many profound lessons for me, I need to keep rereading it ( I rarely reread a book) and is what helps me to stay more in the now rather than panic about the future. I don't know what is going to happen in the next few days, but right now the breath of the dog is warm and steady and lovely.

Tight spot

I received the message "could not send" maybe a thousand times yesterday. For a text to work, the phone has to be positioned at exactly the right angle, both horizontally and vertically against the back window. To make a call, I have to be in just the right spot on the back doorstep, and much patience and repetition is required.
I find this frustrating at the best of times. Yesterday when I needed to get through to various people, it was very testing. But I'm grateful for people's generosity when I did get through :-)

A whole new world

Not being a gardener, going to a flower show for the first time opened up a whole new world. I had no idea that there are societies for lovers of dahlias, national sweet pea societies and on it goes for all kinds of various plants. I do like dahlias (tho not enough to sign up) and the masses of lilies smelled amazing.

It was an enjoyable day out, not one I'd have paid the ticket price of £26 for, tho I can see how it appeals to some. I went as we were singing 3 sets, and as I kept my fleece firmly attached (it was very windy and a bit wet) my pocketed phone counted my steps whereas it doesn't usually track my steps in gigs. So it tells me that I did my most steps ever. Not ideal when I am still assailed by a hideous cold  but I will try and rest more these next few days.

Meanwhile here are some miniature trees, over 100 years old. As someone who can kill a plant in a matter of days, I stood in awe at the dedication and attention that will have been required over such a long time period.

undignified end

This morning I hoovered up way over 100 dead wasps in the loft (I stopped counting). As someone who likes to honour all of creation, this didn't quite feel right but I couldn't think of a better solution. There was still one alive and who knows how many more, so I investigated options. I refused to call a company entitled "death to pests" cos who wants a van with that written on the side outside their home? Certainly not me. I rang someone else who kindly said that they probably won't be around much longer anyway so I could save myself the £50 and just wait it out. Whilst I really appreciated his kindness, I wonder if he gets much business or talks himself out of it regularly?

In better nature news, I love being able to pop into the garden and eat a tomato straight from the plant :) That is a more fitting ending, fulfilling its destiny (from a human perspective).

Chocolate brownies

One of my most favourite things ever is freshly home made chocolate brownies. If they are still warm, so much the better. I'm not sure what exactly has it so float my boat. Maybe the combination of taste (chocolate with chocolate chunks - but I'm not so keen on chocolate cookies with chunks, I'd rather have vanilla cookies with chocolate chunks) and texture. The squidgy bit but also the crispy edge. It really is my idea of heaven. And maybe it's because I also associate it with heavenly experiences. My first encounter with fresh-from-the-oven loveliness was Pru's cafe at greenbelt, already the highlight of my year, so the brownie became the cherry on the cake, so to speak. Cherries might work in brownies. I once made some with prunes that were still scrummy but felt healthier :-)
My other association with brownies I know I've blogged on before but it was one of those moments that sticks with me for its wonderful generosity. My awesome friend came to see me after my husband left, bearing a whole tray of brownies and the words " you don't have to share them with anyone."
I've only occasionally made them myself, at a time when me and an ace friend compared recipes for such things, so they remind me of her too.
More latterly, I now link brownies with my girly, who rustles up a tray whenever she has a group of friends over, or is off on a big camp. I greedily scrape the bits left on the tray as well as devour a piece or two (she's left me 6 this week!). So I've probably had more this year than the rest of my lifetime.

What are some of your favourite things?

Amsterdam

There was lots to enjoy about our trip to Amsterdam, although the unusual 30 degree temperatures were out of my comfort zone. We did lots, learned plenty. Having had a lot of relaxing time recently, this city break was for me a holiday to do activities rather than rest, and we certainly packed a lot in - cycling, kayaking, art, architecture, gay pride, eating and a bit of down time too. Taking the environmentally friendlier option of the ferry rather than plane (as well as leaving the car) had some advantages, particularly in terms of spotting dolphins, porpoises and seals.

 I have long been interested in Anne Frank and once was a guide in an exhibition about her life, so for me visiting the secret annex where she lived for 2 years fulfilled a life long ambition. Seeing the bookcase that hid the entrance was incredibly moving. Hearing the vibrant celebrations of pride going on outside was in some ways a weird juxtaposition, but for me a really poignant reminder of how important it is that we wholeheartedly welcome everyone, as the consequences of not doing so are dire.

Not understanding much of the native language was tricky for me and I realise how much of our daily lives occur with unwritten assumptions. It is bewildering for those who are not aware what those processes are. Recycling for example. In a city 2 meters below sea level, you'd expect a big drive to try and counter the impact of climate change. There were recycling bins on the outskirts but I didn't see any in the city centre and at no point found anywhere for an aluminum can. I struggled to understand the system of returning plastic bottles on which a deposit is paid. This has all served to heighten my awareness of some of the obstacles faced by non-English speakers visiting or living here.

So lots to take away :-)

swashbuckling sea shanties

I'm in charge of music at this year's holiday club, which has a pirate theme. This means that I can't get various (annoying) tunes our of my head and am constantly rolling this way, that way, forwards, backwards over the Irish Sea. Etc. And will be all week (even when I'm at the family wedding later on, no doubt). I do love holiday club tho - loads of us coming together, it's always high energy fun. If I were to plan more carefully in future, I'd put the leading of an unaccompanied "What shall we do with a grumpy pirate?" before rather than after the fast paced action worship song "Wide and long and high and deep".
All good stuff.

Questions on inconsistency

There's so much to be learned if we're open to it. This week I'm reflecting on human nature and our responses to it.
Let's start with an observation I made at book group. My lovely friend is very diligent and usually reads the monthly offering even when many other members give up part way through. This month she and I were the only ones to get to the end. She was critical of the characterization- this is a topic that gets raised from time to time at our book group with many members finding fault with the way the people in the book are portrayed. I suddenly realised that in most novels I read, I cheerfully accept however each character is presented and rarely question their accents or one sidedness, or general unbelievability. Despite doing English A-level, whenever I read a book (or watch a film) I don't analyse or deconstruct, I happily go with what is, no matter how flimsy or inconsistent. This makes me a poor reviewer of literature, you'd be better asking my friend than me for a recommendation on what to read :-)

What about real life?

I'm wondering if the same applies. I think it might. I've noticed that I happily accept whatever it is people want to present of themselves. I watch as people lie to themselves, to each other, and to me, and mainly let it wash over me. I think we are all inconsistent, multi faceted, that we can believe and say one thing one day and it doesn't make the opposite less true the day after, if that's where we're at then. I know people say things that are not Accurate As Others Might See It. They may tell people what they wish were true. They may want to protect themselves, they may convince themselves they are protecting another. I know we can see things from a particular perspective and need a hand to see it from another.

And yet I say to my kids that it's really important that they're honest with me. I get rankled when I discover that those cloest to me have deliberately concealed something from me because they know I wouldn't like it. So why is this? Is it to do with investment, or that with those dearest to me I still hanker after a degree of control that I need to work more on letting go of? What does it mean to trust if there's several possibilities of truth that I might be told, and is it possible to trust in something bigger and stay secure even when not being presented with The truth as I see it? This week's challenge is to reconcile these two paragraphs. The unconditional positive regard I want to have for all which means I don't make honesty a condition despite authenticity being something I value. I suspect as I keep learning, I will come across as inconsistent, which is what I've been spotting so maybe I simply have to accept them as inconsistencies in myself until I reach full enlightenment :-)

wasps, tomatoes and other trivial matters

I think maybe I learn best by watching - someone today showed me how to pinch out the tomatoes and now I get what it is I should have been doing. They are not going to grow as tall as they could have done if I'd understood in the first place, but there are decent crops on each and now I've staked them out with canes too the future is bright. (red hopefully).

A glass and piece of paper are currently on permanent stand by for wasp removal. I'm beginning to wonder if it's the same wasp I'm putting out, doing circuits back to the loft somehow - maybe there's another nest again. Perhaps I should kill it and see if I'm still needing the glass. But I'm not into killing things.

Everything is tinted by the awareness that in a few weeks time I won't have time for tomatoes, wasps or anything except the steep learning curve of a new job. I read an ace thing yesterday about how we need to just look at where our feet are. Not fret about the future or past but see where our feet are right now. Mine are under my desk - it would suit me well to remember that :)

No right of way

Everything feels odd at the moment. Transitioning to the next chapter. Yesterday was a weird day, nothing seemed to go right, I even nearly crashed the car as I thought I had right of way but it turns out I didn't. I spent a while browsing in a shop (this is not something I usually do. I only go shopping when I have to, it's either for food or getting something second hand. I needed some blackout linings tho as I could no longer bear the 3am wake up call. The shop sold various materials and also wool and for a while I imagined I was someone who might be able to follow a knitting pattern, and I compared skeins of interesting yarn. I could of course learn to do more than straight rows of plain knitting if I wanted. But returning to realism, I just bought the lining and have contented myself on sewing those and not also some hand stitched dress.
Today had sad news and so I have mainly wanted to hold my loved ones close. Which I recommend anyway.

bottom of the barrel

You know all those things you'll do when you get chance? Turns out we don't even do them then either :)
I'm currently only working 5 hours a week which theoretically gives me all the time in the world to get round to the jobs that just need a bit of time to do them. I have today washed the Dyson filters - the ones that are supposed to be washed every 3 months. That's the second time I've done them in the 7 years that I've owned the machine. But I'm not sure if I'm ever going to tidy the detritus on top of the dresser, steam wash the lounge carpet, and sort out the garage? - no way!

Disentangling - the fine art of not taking offence

A friend shared an article I really like.
https://upliftconnect.com/the-fine-art-of-not-being-offended/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=link&utm_campaign=uplift

It is a philosophy that I have long subscribed to, and practice with some (if not always total) success. I see how others get really tripped up and so am keen to share the basic principle as widely as possible!

It's all to do with disentangling ourselves from other people's stuff. When someone says or does something, it actually is all about them, it's the product of their experiences. What often happens tho is we believe it is about us. I honestly think that if we all learned the art of not taking things personally, we would all be so very much happier.

There's loads of opportunities to practice, hope you get to disentangle today :)

Light and heat

I need to train myself to go to sleep earlier. Having moved curtains around, the ones in my room are now much lighter and I am being woken at daft o'clock by the sun.
Meanwhile I was pleased by my cunning plan to keep cool on a ridiculously hot m6. Unfortunately my car Air con only ever seems to last a week. I have had it regassed a couple of times for foreign trips but hadn't anticipated this heatwave. My lower tech, more fun alternative was to have my girly use a mist spray (for plants) on all passengers, including the dog. Recommended.

Fun in the sun?

Every day I tend the pool with chemicals. If I don't get in it this week when the temperature is expected to hit 30 degrees then there is something very wrong with my ability to relax. I'm only supposed to be doing 4.6 hours work a week at the moment, so need to stop working and start chilling. There's lots of volunteering this week tho too.
Co - op have reduced some ice creams so I've stocked up on those. I really will try hard to get out there this afternoon...

nature's medicine

As well as read an entire book, on Friday I also attended a brilliant study day. With national breastfeeding celebration week about to start, it seems timely to reflect on just a tiny aspect of what I heard from one speaker on friday. She was talking about neo-natal care and how preterm babies can die from necrotising enterocolitis (nec for short). Colostrum (mum's first milk) is seen as nature's medicine, as it's just not possible to manufacture medicine that is as effective in preventing nec.
I'm aware that as I move into my next chapter, the amount of time I spend on supporting mums with breastfeeding is going to decrease dramatically and I will miss the life changing, life saving interactions I have been delighted to have been part of.

The girl on the train

As today I was a girl on a train, travelling alone to a distant study day, I thought I would read the girl on the train. In terms of size to fit in my bag, It is a lighter book than the novel I'm already part way through.
Not my usual kind of read at all, I picked it up in a charity shop when I was buying something else and there was a deal that meant I got another 2 books free so I randomly selected another couple.
I've just finished it. Not since I was a child have I read an entire book in a single day. It's an unexpected silver lining of redundancy (now that I have a job lined up. Before then I hardly read anything. Far too shameful to spend time enjoying myself reading when I ought to be job hunting).
I shall keep looking for the silver linings :)

Make do then mend

For the last few weeks I have been trying not to make a mental list of what I would be able to pay for once I knew I had a job. I no have found out that I do, albeit not starting for maybe 10 weeks. The first fact hasn't really sunk in yet, let alone then having so much time I could spend doing all that I want to do.
Interestingly, my mind first listed all the jobs around the house I could try and complete. And yes, it will be good to get things ship shape before I then am working more hours than I've ever worked before. I made a start today :)

And now I know money will be coming, I can get sorted those things that for a long while I have made do with. I'm going to get the vacuum hose mended so that it actually works. I will get my bike serviced so I don't have to ride my girly 's with my knees up round my ears.
The more exciting aspect tho is that I could plan what I would _like _ to do with only a little paid work to do each week. What if I made the most of this and arranged to hang out with some lovely people, assigned an entire afternoon to reading a book, or even go on some adventures (once that bike is fixed...)

Pivotal points

I know it can feel as if some moments are monumental. Waiting to hear if I got the job I went for, it's easy to start to believe that everything hangs on the outcome. It's similar with test results (of the health or education kind). That life is about to shift one way or the other.
My experience however, tells me that we dont usually know the pivotal points are coming, and sometimes we're not even aware of their existence despite their ongoing impact. The phone call out of the blue that changes everything. Or meeting a best friend who will enhance your life, yet they don't appear wearing a badge that announces they are going to be your best buddy, that only becomes apparent over time.
I think today will be a good day to practice lots of self care :-)

double time

My girly has finally finished her exams and it's such a joy to get her back. For the last few weeks she has been listening to videos played at double speed, such has been her urgency to absorb information (she said they spoke to slowly at real speed and when she showed me I understand what she meant). Now there's a real sense of release and she has lots of time stretching ahead of her.
I was very pleased that before the inevitable post exam crash hit, she applied her brilliant mind to some of the things that were concerning me. We have rejigged some curtains, moved around some other little items and suddenly my home is ok again. There's still a lot to chuck out/repaint/clean but I can really feel the progress now :)

Stairway of heaven

I can't sleep with the excitement (this was what happened when I first had the idea too). My stair carpet was getting threadbare, the landing frayed, and even though I really really liked the colour it was time to replace it. I think it's perhaps the only thing that remained of the house as we bought it 18 years ago. I'm still not convinced by the new colour on the landing, but they didn't have an orange and in the end I have had to let go of the hope that it would be like it was. That's not how life works. Maybe it will grow on me. It certainly feels soft so that's good.
What has delighted me tho, is the stairs, which have turned out just as I envisaged. On one of my many trips back and forth to the carpet shop, carrying different samples for approval from everyone, I was shown the only orange carpet in the shop. And was told I couldn't have it as the manufacturer had gone out of business. I enquired what would happen to the many beautiful sample squares and was told they'd be thrown out.  I went home and plotted, returning the next day with a request to take some of them.

I then had a chat with the carpet fitter who agreed to turn my idea into reality as long as I removed the backing sticker that would hinder the bending. That actually took hours and hours of my time. But look at the end result! I'm so pleased :)

Suspense

This week I feel I have a deeper understanding of the concept of suspense. I don't find out til next Monday whether I got the job I was interviewed for.  Time feels a bit weird, do I carry on with the assumption that I have no employment lined up, do I keep operating with faith that at some point (soon or far) I will have paid work again? It is like I have to suspend belief in knowing what is coming next. Which as none of us do, should be how I feel all the time. Except this is odd.
It has been butter meltingly warm so I'm trying to enjoy time outside and getting as many tasks done as possible. Keeping alive the plants I'm supposed to be keeping alive, removing those that are not supposed to be there, and then helping the tomato plants focus their energies by removing some of their leaves. I've never successfully grown tomatoes before, I'm not good at pruning, we'll see what happens.
Pruning the clutter is also slow progress. I know these days are not endless yet still the house hasn't yet had the whole transformation I envisaged. I guess these things take time.

Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly

Singing in a theatre with Gareth Malone and the Swingles was fun :-) The last song we did together was "keep holding on" and he suggested that people in the audience who had a torch on their mobile turn it on and wave it from side to side. To see that from up on the stage really was something.
We've rehearsed intensively, the songs are still going round my head, including the line "whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly". I feel pretty laid back about tomorrow's interview, the maybe that's the effect of tonight's gong bath?

Thrifty ways

It's now two months since I officially finished my main jobs (tho there was still some finishing off after that). I am just beginning to feel myself winding down. I even read a a book for 20 mins today. Hopefully this means that when I resume work (and I have since started a new very part time one, but I mean a mortgage paying job) I shall be refreshed and ready for the new start, rather than the worn out heap I was a few weeks back.
There's an interview on Friday that I'm excited about. If I am successful it would mean big changes. But change is doable :-) In the meantime I feel I've honed my thrifty ways. I have developed a range of really cheap puddings (tho 14p packet custard probably isn't massively nutritious). The rice pudding I enjoyed at the start of the year has kick started a revival of quick (oven top not in an oven) rice puds of all flavours and can be made with cheap rice rather than anything posh :-) And my soup options have extended too, onion soup is now my new favourite and again a lovely frugal choice.
Time for daily shopping means I can plan meals around whatever is reduced. 10p ciabatta? Yes please!
Staying in the moment isn't always easy, there's a pull to worry about the future. But when I get to be fully in the now it's rather lovely :-)

A teacher's love plan :)

Pip Wilson drew my attention to this - I think it's great!

What Happened When I Committed to Loving My Students Unconditionally

Many teachers talk about loving their students. In fact, I have made bold announcements to everyone—from my colleagues to my friends and family—about loving my students every year that I have taught. But did I really love them? All of them? Every single student? Not really.

This school year, I tried another kind of love. I wanted my love for my students to be super-resilient and a little bit blind—similar to the kind of love I give to my own children. I wanted a love that could embrace unappealing characteristics and behaviors with humor, tranquility, and curiosity. It would not be transactional or affected by my students’ daily or cumulative decisions. It would accept that they would all disappoint me at various times, some more than others. My disappointment would simply inform my work, not soil it.

The idea came out of new learning about trauma-informed teaching—a method that can help teachers bring more empathy and understanding to students affected by trauma and adverse childhood experiences. My husband, a film director, had recently completed two documentaries that covered the subject: "Resilience" and "Paper Tigers." Trauma-informed teaching is a challenging shift, but it seemed worthy of trying with my own students, regardless of whether they had known trauma in their histories or not.

Students Ask for Love in 'Unloving Ways'

It is often said that the students who need love the most ask for it in the most unloving ways. Every teacher is familiar with that dynamic. I don’t think I am alone in admitting that giving love when students are being openly uncooperative has always been hard for me. 

In the past, my love for students was a diffuse kind of love—the kind one feels for teaching in general or the class as a whole. I was committed to being fair and forgiving, but that is not necessarily the same thing as unconditional love. While my most defiant, disruptive, or unproductive students received the lion's share of my energy and thought, I was focused on managing them rather than loving them. 

"My difficult students represented puzzles to solve and relationships to improve, not dreaded obstacles that threatened to drain my teacher joy."

Using compassionate curiosity to identify learning and attention issues in students, on the other hand, has always come easily to me. I am a big believer in trying to determine what is behind a student’s struggle to meet academic expectations, pay attention in class, or produce assigned work. 

This new "love plan" held onto that process, with the added aim of embracing the kids with personalities and behaviors that had the capacity to trigger my "I wish he or she was not in my class" response. This year, I decided to go toward the most difficult students with additional compassion, rather than retreating in frustration when my initial attempts to change them failed.

A 'Love Plan' for Teaching

The only person I told about my love plan was my husband. I told him because I thought it would be a good idea to have someone hold me accountable for this shift and let me know if I were getting off track. After all, he is the one who hears when I start to lose enthusiasm for any of my students. Would loving each one of my students unconditionally make a difference? Would it change their experience? Would it noticeably improve their learning?

The changes in my teaching were subtle yet concrete. I had always taken students aside when they made poor decisions. But my new plan asked questions that were less canned, free of scolding or shame, and more gentle and genuine. Are you feeling all right? Is something bothering you? What was last night like? Did you get enough sleep? Do you want to talk?These questions rarely led to any big "ah ha" moments, but I treated each repeated conversation with patience. 

Additionally, I paused before I defaulted to my typical consequences for poor behavior. When it was necessary to dole out consequences to students, I made very clear that I still believed in them. I even told students when I took them aside that I loved them—something I had never done before. 

It was immediately apparent that they had never heard those words from a teacher.

When I asked them to repeat back to me what they had heard in our conversation, they would always say, "You care about me." They didn’t use the word love, but that was OK. They heard me, and it showed. 

As the year went on, my conversations with students about their bad choices became increasingly relaxed and honest—and less frequent. Sometimes, students would even preemptively tell me about their bad decisions. Our relationship became more of a partnership and less of a power struggle.

A Win-Win Situation for Students and Teachers

Although my love plan was designed to improve my students' school experience, it radically improved mine as well. It worked magic on my relationships with students and energized me for the school day. My difficult students represented puzzles to solve and relationships to improve, not dreaded obstacles that threatened to drain my teacher joy. By letting go of the assumption that their behaviors were conscious choices, I was able to avoid feelings of resentment when my students blew it. Overall, I felt more peaceful and less angry. 

Loving my students also got easier as the year progressed. I had initially worried that my approach wasn't sustainable. But the opposite was true. Love begot love.

Even as I write this, I wonder if this school year was a special class. I worry that the love plan won’t translate to a new set of students. I also worry that the word "love" will be a turnoff for other teachers (because in San Francisco, where I’m from, the word probably rolls of the tongue a little easier than in other parts of the country). 

Whatever you choose to call it, this loving mindset has transformative potential. Relinquishing our teacher obsession with control and embracing our disruptors has a powerful effect on students' experiences as well as our own. Less than one year into this new teaching approach, I am hardly an expert, but I am an evangelist. 

I share my story to show what the power of unconditional love can do in the classroom. 

Kyle Redford is a 5th grade teacher at Marin Country Day School, a K-8 school in the San Francisco Bay Area. 
She is also the education editor for the Yale Center for Dyslexia and Creativity.

Intentional enjoyment

I'm waiting for two different things at the moment, and traditionally I'm not very patient when it comes to waiting. I'm aware that lots of us can struggle to make the most of every moment and can realise that instead of enjoying every moment we get, we can forget to be happy.
Sometimes I think we have to remind ourselves to enjoy rather than endure what ever is happening. So today I am intentionally enjoying the day despite the waiting. I've been to my favourite place and hope to upload a video when I get back home.

Spot the difference

Feeling very grateful for David who brought his magical mower to transform the garden very speedily.
Can you see the table and chairs ?

We can now! 

How do we get there?

Just needed a bit of weeding...

Wasn't there a path here?

Yes!

But what about all those lovely flowers / weeds ? As if Kristie would let them go to waste (several vases now full)...

Cake-a-thon?

It's a good job I've walked nearly 50 miles this week. Yesterday I helped support a Christian aid event by eating cake. Today I supported a pride event by eating cake. It's a theme I'm happy to continue... 

changing the future

I've recently enjoyed watching the 3 Back to the Future films with my boy. Mainly the hanging out is what I like, but like a lot of folk I'm fascinated by the concept that going back in time and changing a tiny thing can alter the course of history massively.
So I was really struck yesterday by a shared facebook post that identified that lots of us are drawn to these kind of films yet overlook the related consequence that a tiny change we make in our present can have an enormous impact on the future. I wonder why we struggle to grasp just how much power we have?
(instant thought - it doesn't work well for Capitalism if we were all to be aware of our power, so that gets squashed out of us early)

I hope we all can increase our awareness of how our every action has an impact and keep making our differences :)

Step by step

I now have an app on my phone that tells me how many steps I've walked. I'm aware that next year I might not be able to do so much collecting for Christian Aid so want to do as much as possible this year. As part of keeping my motivation high I will note how many steps I've taken each day. Today I've walked to two services, and delivered in 3 streets, and my total is 14663 ( I don't always have my phone on me so it's more than that really).
Perhaps I should have asked for sponsorship??!!

Sun: 14663
Mon: 14240
Tues: 19000
Weds: 10754 (taking it easy day after the previous day's 15km)
Thurs: 13236
Fri: 11485 (plus 20 mins of cycling when I changed the recording mode, so it counted my cycling time but not my steps)

feel the burn

I can and often do learn lessons from mistakes. Apparently not today tho.
I was so busy regaling my girly with the tale of how I'd left a forgotten pan on the cooker this morning so it burned dry, that I didn't hear the cooker alarm going off, signalling the end of the pizza cooking time. To be fair, the top pizza was fine, the only one that burned was because I'd put the tray directly on the oven base - I've done that before too, so that's the error I've not learned from.
It's a shame cos I'd gone to some effort with the pizzas, making my own dough, letting it rise, etc etc. Anyway, it's the thought that counts or something.

When I've not been burning things, today I've mainly been applying for a job that excites me. I rather like thinking up responses for application forms and interviews (when it's occasional, I know the novelty will soon wear off).

We also raised £526.80 in the bucket collection so that was worth doing :D

Spending wisely

As I'm not bringing in much money this month, I have figured I can spend less so present to you my lovely homemade tea :) the bread is made from chickpeas and tomatoes, yum.

 I am also spending lots of my time fruitfully, not usually having this much available. Yesterday I was able to spend a good chunk of the day at the fracking site, registering my protest. Today has revolved around much collecting for Christian aid inside Morrisons. And I've just ordered more envelopes for next week's house to house collection as I will have the entire week to collect in.

Bank holiday sunshine

I'm really pleased that we had a bank holiday weekend full of rare sunshine. I'm hoping the august one will be a repeat :-) Tho not a sun worshipper myself, I know many many people will have revelled in the glorious weather. Indeed, Facebook tells me it was so.

Social media I think is a mixed blessing, especially around loneliness. It can be brilliant for staying connected. It has an important potential for reaching out when feeling down, several of my friends have successfully used it in this way. I also think we have to work hard at remembering it is only a partial picture. I know there will be lots going on yesterday that didn't make it to instagram, the family fall outs in hot cars not recorded, the people who for whatever reason were not joining the nation in relaxation.

I did my best to make the most of the loveliness and managed a fair bit of gardening in the shade. I know a time will come when I don't have this much time at home so it's good to get as much sorted whilst I can. As always, I find it useful to remember my mantra "this won't last forever", something I've tried to apply throughout parenting. Single parenting has its challenges (as well as its delights) at each stage. I can't imagine how tough it must be when they're very young and need you constantly. This current stage of exam pressure seems intense and I'm glad I stayed around to provide a steady stream of nutritious meals, healthy drinks and plenty of treats too. Revision encouragement, and just the dull but necessary keeping things ticking over with laundry, tidying etc, these are things that I'm content to do as I know a time will come when they won't need me in this way either. What I struggle with is the lack of company. Thankfully I have an easy volunteering option so was able to help out on the phone line a fair bit which is a double win, the caller gets what they need and so do I :-)

As we know, I have choices, so I either change the situation or change how I respond to the situation. With another bank holiday on the horizon, I can try and set that one up differently. Today I'm off to seek company at the fracking site. The last time I cycled that way it took ages so we'll see how today goes, my plan is to be back before today's rain starts!

Inundated

There has been much this last week to feel glad about. Homemade cake has featured heavily (heavily may indeed be the word if i keep it up at that rate). I had such a lovely treat at a spa afternoon. There have been some successes on the de-cluttering front. And the sun is most definitely shining.
It's hard at times tho not to feel like it's an uphill battle. Despite my best efforts, I'm not sure my tactics have scared off my kitchen mouse, and the garden moles are back with a vengeance. The mysterious puddle on my lounge floor , originally blamed on the poor dog, has been sourced, sorted, floorboards dried, and I'm pleased I'd kept leftover underlay from a previous carpet fitting as it meant I could cut out the rotten section and replace it. Trying to clear up after tho and I had to dismantle the Dyson before it would work - nothing seems straightforward.
I'm still not yet fully well and so feel very grateful it's currently only very part time work I'm fitting in amongst the challenges.

Foreseeing hindsight

I'm pleased with how chilled I'm feeling today (considering I have both an interview and the dentist this morning). Some days I fret about the future and potential paperwork and income worries. Mainly tho I'm holding onto some of the insights from the embracing uncertainty book, and am able to trust that it's about journey not destination, and that I can't stop the rain, so just need to let it fall and enjoy it rather than protest about my inability to prevent it.
It helps that today's interview is not for a job that would pay the mortgage. So if I get it, great, if I don't that would mean more capacity for whatever mortgage paying job I get. Not being invested in the outcome is such a stress relieving approach!!
Ultimately I believe that if we so choose everything can be an opportunity to love and to learn. I'm currently learning more about trust. I think a time will come when I will be looking back at this period of my life from a very different place (hopefully happily in a new job that I enjoy where I am making a noticeable difference). I will be glad I made the most of the time to catch up with friends and house cleaning. I would not want to look back and wonder why I spent the time miserably. Which isn't to say we shouldn't feel miserable. It's just that this strategy is for me, today at least, working well :-)

doorstep delight

Over the years I've discovered all sorts of delights on my doorstep. When the kids were little it was bags of clothes, or jigsaws. Sometimes there's been plants for the garden. Edible treats too - Christmas chocolates a neighbour couldn't face, or homemade biscuits. Today a mystery kind person left a carrier bag containing flowers, fruit and cookies. I still don't know who it was, whereas previously I've been able to work out the identity of the giver from a recent conversation. Maybe today's lesson is to graciously accept and not need to know who. I feel incredibly grateful that it could actually be any of a number of lovely local people who might do such a thing.
It's the sort of thing I do too, there's a definite joy to be had from anonymous giving :)

A wonderful friend has this evening also invited me to something fabulous to look forwards to next week, so I'm definitely feeling the love. Hope you are too. And if maybe right now you're not, I thoroughly recommend plotting some secretive sharing :D

Marking time

I've noticed how reliant I was on completing my timesheet as a justification of time spent purposefully. I am feeling a big pull to undertake tasks with visible results so that others can affirm All I've Done. Tangible achievements crossed from a long list. I feel a bit like there's no one I'm accountable to without having anyone to send the timesheet of my life's activities to. It's all rather odd.
The clutter is definitely decreasing (still considerable way to go). I appreciate the freshly painted walls as I pass them and have constructed a step by step plan for the next stages. And I keep finding energy for small bursts of action despite feeling so ill with a rotten cold.
I can see why people feel despondent when job seeking. There's so much status and sense of self in what we "do", our employment. It's all good experience, these life lessons.

Love is not the same as attachment

I have blogged on this theme before, but I just came across this short video which I like on how love differs from attachment.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1946267742354348&id=1557825057865287

I don't think being attached to people is wrong. I think it's great when we are committed to hanging in through good and bad. Missing people who mean a lot to us is sign that they have a place in our lives. I don't think however it's helpful to have our definition of love based on purely attachments. I think it's completely possible to love strangers well in one off encounters. There doesn't have to be ongoing commitment. And when we hold lightly I think it's easier to stay present rather than dwell on what can build into resentment if we were instead expecting something in return. In a capitalist society keen on reaping rewards from any investment, modelling love that is not requiring reciprocation is counter cultural. It's not likely to be easy because we'll have those times of "but what about me?" I think it's worth giving a go tho?

In between

I had nearly an hour before my train left London so I sat enjoying a busker awhile. Sometimes it's the unscheduled moments that make up our lives, not just the planned parts. Quite a bit hasn't gone to plan today  but it's all worked out fine.
I've drunk litres of fruit juice as I'm full of cold. It's also very warm in the capital. The weather forecast predicted rain (and 6 degrees at 7 am) in preston at the start and end of my journey, so I was not leaving my thick coat at home. But it's somewhat cumbersome when it's then 25 degrees in the city.
Despite feeling so rotten latterly, I'm still trying to complete obvious achievements whilst I am not working much. Painting is a quick win (and preferable to cleaning and decluttering) despite being more needed. For future learning  I should neither buy really cheap paint (too thin) or the mega expensive stuff (like trying to paint with mucusy dough ). I usually like painting and know it's poor form to blame my tools,  but next time I will opt for mid range paint and a pad rather than roller. I'm slowly getting somewhere tho.