2014 is about to expire, along with several items in my fridge and cupboards. It's a good job time is just a social construct!!
I have left several tasks to keep me occupied today whilst eagerly awaiting the return of my kids. But first a walk with an ace friend in which we'll put the world to rights and simply feel a whole lot better for being reminded that we love each other no matter what horrors either of us might reveal. I'm so lucky having those kinds of friends. They support and inspire me in equal measure.
I'd have liked to share a photo here of some of my ace friends but I haven't asked permission from those in it, and I'm principled like that, so you'll have to imagine the accompanying picture :) We were jamming, I was playing a cracker tin :D
One of the many things my friend and I chatted about was New Year Resolutions. Mine is around taking more chunks of downtime with those I love. I might even watch more things I don't want to watch just so I get to spend time with those I like to be with. Maybe reading in the same room as those watching things I don't want to watch? I think that's one of life's challenges isn't it, finding ways of being with those we love without it feeling like we're compromising ourselves at times. Those we love have different interests/lives/expectations to us. I don't want to feel I'm spending my life doing things I don't want to do, but I also don't want to not spend time with those I love (just cos for example they are into minecraft and I'm not). Recently I started doing a jigsaw in the same room as minecraft so whilst we're not directly hanging out, we're still close.
Happy New year.
Wednesday, 31 December 2014
Tuesday, 30 December 2014
you are deeply loved
I started writing this blog around 1.30am, kept awake by pesky gerbils, only couldn't find the quotes I was looking for and eventually opted for sleep instead, Hurrah.
It's still ringing in my ears now, from the prayers on Sunday, the fact that we are deeply loved. Whilst I know at one level that it is true, the struggle to actually believe it is immense. I've been putting it down to trouble trusting, given the failed promise to be loved for better or worse. But if I'm really honest, I think the doubt goes much further back. A wise friend shared recently that we will always feel lonely as total connection is impossible. I don't remember the full gist and it sounds pessimistic writing it now rather than citing the actual poet who will have eloquently explained it. Anyhow whilst the gerbils keep me awake fretting about the the meaning of life I still feel a sense that it's what the church is supposed to be about, and it's what I'm supposed to be about. To keep insisting that every one of us is deeply loved. I know I've blogged about this before but one of my fears is that I'll have let my own stuff and doubts get in the way of communicating that to some folk. One of my gorgeous friends the other day told me (unprompted) that I love deeply, so I know some people see it. I'm just not perfect is all.
The temptation I think, is to imagine that it is possible to be deeply loved by one person as if that would fix the hole created by the doubt. My counsellor today pointed out that the reality is I'm deeply loved EVERYWHERE. As are you. Yes there's all kinds of stuff that gets in the way so we only get tarnished glimpses which leaves us dubious. My own dim mirror means I reflect some of the truth to people some of the time and I want to keep polishing so I can reflect better. And I sometimes try and pin it down for myself and get wobbly cos all of us are imperfect so no single person is going to be able to consistently show we are deeply loved. That doesn't mean they have failed, or that we are not deeply loved, just that it's not shown at its clearest in that instance.
I liked this quote from Pip Wilson, a man who also strives to love every single human being deeply. I hope you today get to experience love in its many manifestations :)
http://www.pipwilson.com/2014/12/i-dont-want-to-send-cliche-wishes.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+pipwilsonbhp+%28Pip+Wilson+bhp+......+blog%29
It's still ringing in my ears now, from the prayers on Sunday, the fact that we are deeply loved. Whilst I know at one level that it is true, the struggle to actually believe it is immense. I've been putting it down to trouble trusting, given the failed promise to be loved for better or worse. But if I'm really honest, I think the doubt goes much further back. A wise friend shared recently that we will always feel lonely as total connection is impossible. I don't remember the full gist and it sounds pessimistic writing it now rather than citing the actual poet who will have eloquently explained it. Anyhow whilst the gerbils keep me awake fretting about the the meaning of life I still feel a sense that it's what the church is supposed to be about, and it's what I'm supposed to be about. To keep insisting that every one of us is deeply loved. I know I've blogged about this before but one of my fears is that I'll have let my own stuff and doubts get in the way of communicating that to some folk. One of my gorgeous friends the other day told me (unprompted) that I love deeply, so I know some people see it. I'm just not perfect is all.
The temptation I think, is to imagine that it is possible to be deeply loved by one person as if that would fix the hole created by the doubt. My counsellor today pointed out that the reality is I'm deeply loved EVERYWHERE. As are you. Yes there's all kinds of stuff that gets in the way so we only get tarnished glimpses which leaves us dubious. My own dim mirror means I reflect some of the truth to people some of the time and I want to keep polishing so I can reflect better. And I sometimes try and pin it down for myself and get wobbly cos all of us are imperfect so no single person is going to be able to consistently show we are deeply loved. That doesn't mean they have failed, or that we are not deeply loved, just that it's not shown at its clearest in that instance.
I liked this quote from Pip Wilson, a man who also strives to love every single human being deeply. I hope you today get to experience love in its many manifestations :)
http://www.pipwilson.com/2014/12/i-dont-want-to-send-cliche-wishes.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+pipwilsonbhp+%28Pip+Wilson+bhp+......+blog%29
Monday, 29 December 2014
whole weekends
I'm continuing to find pieces of wrapping paper around the house, I can't quite believe how much there is strewn about. I'm hoping to tidy a bit today. It feels like I've not done any work in ages. Whilst this is partly a good thing I then realised that I last worked on Friday and today is Monday. One of the advantages of my jobs is that I manage my own time and fit it around the kids. But I think this is telling me that I'm not managing my time as well as I could - my promise to myself for the new year is to have more consecutive chunks of time when I'm not working.
I might even not start work again today. My (still sleeping and will be for some time) guests are much better at relaxing than I am. Whilst they are still here perhaps I can stay in lounging mode. I have finally finished all my dragon books. There are just a few pages left in my worldchanging book that I'm savouring to the last morsel. This month's book group choice starts with the stalking of a cat, so desperate are the characters to eat. So I've put that down and picked up Dan Brown's da Vinci code. I've no idea how that made it on my shelf of unread books - like everything else in my life, I've not bought the novels on that shelf, just acquired them somehow. It comes with a 'you're not supposed to like this or even waste your time reading it' aura - not sure where that came from either. But so far, so intriguing. And it's stopping me from working so that's a good thing!!!
... It's so quiet when people go! So I've turned my computer on for company and am playing music to accompany the cleaning. I hate not being with those I'd like to spend more time with. If I clean now hopefully I can chill with my kids when they are back.
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| my girly did a lot of fab decorating this year :) I especially like the very rustic tinfoil star |
... It's so quiet when people go! So I've turned my computer on for company and am playing music to accompany the cleaning. I hate not being with those I'd like to spend more time with. If I clean now hopefully I can chill with my kids when they are back.
Sunday, 28 December 2014
seeking sparkle
I don't know how it happens - and don't want the magic spoiling by finding how it happens. But somehow light can hit frost and make it really really sparkly. I'm glad I got up and went to church and saw it.I was tempted to stay in bed, having not slept well, struggling. I cried when our lovely minister spoke of how much we are deeply loved. That's why I go to church, well one of many reasons. I hope our next lovely minister preaches the same message.
I have treated myself to some super soft tissues that claim to have a super gentle touch. I nearly took them back when I realised how much they cost. Now I have them Home they don't seem much softer than my usual recycled ones to be honest. As I was ignoring my principles anyway, I also bought some cleaning products with bleach. I'm going to see if I can get some sparkle indoors given that there's no frost inside -thankfully! I pointed out the 'hairy bin' I was photographing to some passing children. They were delighted too.
Saturday, 27 December 2014
battle weary
Sometimes stuff can feel like a battle. Sometimes I don't have the energy to fight anymore. I'm not sure that's it about love not winning tho it can feel like giving up on that ideal.maybe it's a mere setting it aside, that I bow out of the battle for a while cos no-one can fight all the time, and I can choose not to engage. My body needs some r and r.
I wasn't sure if it made sense to go on a long walk this morning but I decided it would be good to spend some time with people who had invited me - well everyone - to join them. I grabbed a friends hand at one point and had a weep. I've been weepy all day. Tomorrow is Sunday and so I shall rest. No defending of myself to anyone, no having to stick up for myself I hope. Just a really difficult jigsaw.
I wasn't sure if it made sense to go on a long walk this morning but I decided it would be good to spend some time with people who had invited me - well everyone - to join them. I grabbed a friends hand at one point and had a weep. I've been weepy all day. Tomorrow is Sunday and so I shall rest. No defending of myself to anyone, no having to stick up for myself I hope. Just a really difficult jigsaw.
Friday, 26 December 2014
Seven dwarves
I'm likely to be dopey today having spent a night feeling grumpy about being at work today. I'm also incredibly sneezy. I know I'll be bashful later tho I'm hoping I'l also be happy. I know there's Doc but I can't remember the other one - going to start work now tho in the hope I finish early, so will have to look that up later...
Ah, I'd not realised there is doth dopey and sleepy. Yes, I'm both :) Done with work tho now so can do some more relaxing - hurrah!
Ah, I'd not realised there is doth dopey and sleepy. Yes, I'm both :) Done with work tho now so can do some more relaxing - hurrah!
Thursday, 25 December 2014
glad tidings
I for one do not wish it could be Christmas every day. For starters, the dog barks whenever the church bells ring, which means he's been incredibly noisy this past hour. The hour that I've just spent in the kitchen trying to rediscover the work surfaces ready for cooking on tomorrow. They were buried under several layers of flour, cinnamon and edible glitter, the result of an evening of my girly's baking - mainly for the dog's stocking.
Unsurprisingly, I have caught my boyfriend's streaming cold. Thankfully I bought a bag of satsumas and so have been able to make a start on those and once the stockings are open tomorrow can have the rest (they always get returned to the fruit bowl but it's the symbolism that counts).
Tomorrow is the first time in a few years that I will have a stocking again :) It's the first time their Dad won't be here to see the kids open their presents and they were happy with that given that he will have stockings for them later. I suggested they were old enough now to play their own part in the stocking present buying. Some folk think me mean but I've never really stressed the whole Father Christmas thing. I didn't want to reach a point where I'd have to say to my kids that yes, I'd been lying about Santa being real but I still hoped they'd believe me about the rest of what I feel Christmas is about. We still act out the traditions - putting out some sherry and a carrot - but I've always been clear with them that I'm playing the part of St Nick. How would I be able to look my kids in the eye and talk of a guy who brings gifts to "good girls and boys" as if that were to explain why some children receive expensive presents, whilst there's many a parent round the world unable to afford anything for their children. Have they not been good enough? Does Santa not go to them? I realise it's not a populist perspective so I mainly keep quiet about it, but it's how we've done things here.
So I'm off to fill their stocking and they have already filled mine. It's midnight now and so Happy Christmas! Hope you have a love and wonder filled day :D
... My stocking presents were mainly handmade, I'm very happy :-) I have seen a Dodinsky quote I like this morning, that the most treasured gifts are the meaningful moments we create with those we love. Whatever you receive today I hope you have some lovely time with loved ones. That's the best!
Have felt pretty rubbish all day. Perked up a bit now, maybe it was the very yummy cheese - creamy Cheshire from orsome. It was indeed awesome!
Unsurprisingly, I have caught my boyfriend's streaming cold. Thankfully I bought a bag of satsumas and so have been able to make a start on those and once the stockings are open tomorrow can have the rest (they always get returned to the fruit bowl but it's the symbolism that counts).
Tomorrow is the first time in a few years that I will have a stocking again :) It's the first time their Dad won't be here to see the kids open their presents and they were happy with that given that he will have stockings for them later. I suggested they were old enough now to play their own part in the stocking present buying. Some folk think me mean but I've never really stressed the whole Father Christmas thing. I didn't want to reach a point where I'd have to say to my kids that yes, I'd been lying about Santa being real but I still hoped they'd believe me about the rest of what I feel Christmas is about. We still act out the traditions - putting out some sherry and a carrot - but I've always been clear with them that I'm playing the part of St Nick. How would I be able to look my kids in the eye and talk of a guy who brings gifts to "good girls and boys" as if that were to explain why some children receive expensive presents, whilst there's many a parent round the world unable to afford anything for their children. Have they not been good enough? Does Santa not go to them? I realise it's not a populist perspective so I mainly keep quiet about it, but it's how we've done things here.
So I'm off to fill their stocking and they have already filled mine. It's midnight now and so Happy Christmas! Hope you have a love and wonder filled day :D
... My stocking presents were mainly handmade, I'm very happy :-) I have seen a Dodinsky quote I like this morning, that the most treasured gifts are the meaningful moments we create with those we love. Whatever you receive today I hope you have some lovely time with loved ones. That's the best!
Have felt pretty rubbish all day. Perked up a bit now, maybe it was the very yummy cheese - creamy Cheshire from orsome. It was indeed awesome!
Wednesday, 24 December 2014
off lead
To say my dog loves Dufton is an understatement. I've heard that a dog's sense of smell means they can detect whiffs that tell them a dog passed that way a fortnight earlier. With so many wild animals out and about it's no surprise that he's in scent heaven , darting about hither and thither as he presumably smells all kinds of creatures.
When I'm at home he (usually) comes back for me (eventually) and so I tend to let him off on the field for ball throwing. When I'm in Dufton I daren't let him off the lead as I don't think i'd ever see him again. Now my dog whisperer boyfriend can get the dog to come back relatively easily and so he always lets him off the lead. So as he came up to Dufton with us this time, the dog was allowed off lead and his exuberance was palpable. I had a massive smile on my face seeing his joy, tho it made me think I should perhaps risk letting him off myself, the fun he was having.
Whilst walking amidst the incredible scenery I suddenly realised that my mind was busy worrying about a walk suggested by a friend on the 27th, would I be able to manage the dog by myself, should I leave him at home, I wonder if I'll have to rush off to get to the family evening event etc etc. I brought to mind this picture as to how it seems dogs are better at enjoying the present moment than we are.
Today I'm back in my less picturesque hometown and indeed set for a full work day before the kids are returned this evening. Last night was hard, the contrast between lots of family and then just me n the dog. I hope next week is going to be OK. It's hard not to have my mind full but I shall try and learn a lesson from my adorable hound.
...
Work was less full on than anticipated so I was able to do a couple of hours volunteering as well - hurrah! Bargains to be had in Morrisons, where I sang my way round and chatted to other customers. Hope you're having a similarly low stress Christmas Eve! Everything wrapped, now I could do with tidying the house so there is space to unwrap everything ;)
When I'm at home he (usually) comes back for me (eventually) and so I tend to let him off on the field for ball throwing. When I'm in Dufton I daren't let him off the lead as I don't think i'd ever see him again. Now my dog whisperer boyfriend can get the dog to come back relatively easily and so he always lets him off the lead. So as he came up to Dufton with us this time, the dog was allowed off lead and his exuberance was palpable. I had a massive smile on my face seeing his joy, tho it made me think I should perhaps risk letting him off myself, the fun he was having.
Whilst walking amidst the incredible scenery I suddenly realised that my mind was busy worrying about a walk suggested by a friend on the 27th, would I be able to manage the dog by myself, should I leave him at home, I wonder if I'll have to rush off to get to the family evening event etc etc. I brought to mind this picture as to how it seems dogs are better at enjoying the present moment than we are.
Today I'm back in my less picturesque hometown and indeed set for a full work day before the kids are returned this evening. Last night was hard, the contrast between lots of family and then just me n the dog. I hope next week is going to be OK. It's hard not to have my mind full but I shall try and learn a lesson from my adorable hound.
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| http://mirandavandenberk.files.wordpress.com/…s.jpg |
Work was less full on than anticipated so I was able to do a couple of hours volunteering as well - hurrah! Bargains to be had in Morrisons, where I sang my way round and chatted to other customers. Hope you're having a similarly low stress Christmas Eve! Everything wrapped, now I could do with tidying the house so there is space to unwrap everything ;)
Tuesday, 23 December 2014
what can I give you?
I learned last night that my parents had 'in the bleak midwinter' at their wedding. Despite being a geographer, I'm ashamed to say I don't know what the weather would have been like in the middle east 'Long long ago' but I suspect we have anglicised the story. Skipping past the first verse, I have always found the last one very meaningful, asking the question what can I give him? The shepherds logically brought a lamb which obviously the baby Jesus cuddled up to and had as a faithful pet. The wise men played their part and being wise, that's what I do.
I've not bought many presents this year - my kids are getting plenty, but really I'm not a big giver of presents. Now presence, that's a different matter. One of the gifts I'm most pleased with giving this year was noticing someone could do with some time and space and so setting that up.
My boyfriend wanted some wellies so I got him some And he's used them lots already so I won't he wrapping them with the mud clinging to their soles. So there's not a single thing I'll be giving him on Christmas day. And that's the same for each of you reading this - I don't think any of you have even got a card, some of you live near enough to have had a Christmas hug but some not - sorry. All I can assure you is that I give what I have. My heart. Xx
Is it wrong that I've been amused all day by the thought of Jesus having a pet lamb?? I wonder if I write these blogs to entertain myself - I'm still chuckling over a suggestion I made earlier in the week about being a wedding planner - that's not going to be my next career move is it? Anyway, I'm back now to lots of emails but they might wait, I'm still off work today, back in tomorrow :)
I've not bought many presents this year - my kids are getting plenty, but really I'm not a big giver of presents. Now presence, that's a different matter. One of the gifts I'm most pleased with giving this year was noticing someone could do with some time and space and so setting that up.
My boyfriend wanted some wellies so I got him some And he's used them lots already so I won't he wrapping them with the mud clinging to their soles. So there's not a single thing I'll be giving him on Christmas day. And that's the same for each of you reading this - I don't think any of you have even got a card, some of you live near enough to have had a Christmas hug but some not - sorry. All I can assure you is that I give what I have. My heart. Xx
Is it wrong that I've been amused all day by the thought of Jesus having a pet lamb?? I wonder if I write these blogs to entertain myself - I'm still chuckling over a suggestion I made earlier in the week about being a wedding planner - that's not going to be my next career move is it? Anyway, I'm back now to lots of emails but they might wait, I'm still off work today, back in tomorrow :)
Monday, 22 December 2014
kid in a sweet shop
The dog was uncontrollably happy on his walk. At home he is fixated on getting to 'his' field, here he was beside himself with glee leaping around to smell first one thing then another. It is lovely to be able to bring so much joy to him. Right now my boy and my dad are both very happily constructing a reindeer from bits of wood.
And me, I've just received notification that my mortgage has completed. Thankyou so much for staying alongside me when the going got rough. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
And me, I've just received notification that my mortgage has completed. Thankyou so much for staying alongside me when the going got rough. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
feast of the senses
I really enjoyed the church Christmas, despite at least 8 people telling me how lovely my hair and And please will I not cut it again. Hopefully I managed to smile graciously whilst thanking them and making no assurances. What I did enjoy was hugging every single one and not just in a fly by style. People at church have been so supportive if me recently, it felt good to sit and chat and physically as well as emotionally connect. A few folk spoke of how they don't get enough touch in their life so I've made a mental note and they will be getting more from now on B-)
I'm very appreciative of all my senses, I couldn't rank them. My son claims I have a super sensitive nose - it's true I can often sniff out trouble. And I was reminded yesterday of when a dear friend Years ago lent me an item of clothing as I was chilly and I spent the whole night wrapped in the garment that smelled of him and what a delight that was. I cried when I recalled it tho as smells fade and so sometimes can connections. I've not been in touch with him for months - I'll try and rectify that today tho my communications are much more limited here. It's important to me to get that balance - I really do want to focus on my family whilst we're here but I also like keeping in touch with my loved ones elsewhere too. I loved playing bananagrams last night, I hope you are having dun and connection wherever you are too.
I'm very appreciative of all my senses, I couldn't rank them. My son claims I have a super sensitive nose - it's true I can often sniff out trouble. And I was reminded yesterday of when a dear friend Years ago lent me an item of clothing as I was chilly and I spent the whole night wrapped in the garment that smelled of him and what a delight that was. I cried when I recalled it tho as smells fade and so sometimes can connections. I've not been in touch with him for months - I'll try and rectify that today tho my communications are much more limited here. It's important to me to get that balance - I really do want to focus on my family whilst we're here but I also like keeping in touch with my loved ones elsewhere too. I loved playing bananagrams last night, I hope you are having dun and connection wherever you are too.
Sunday, 21 December 2014
dearhearts
Two blogs this morning and it's not even 8am!! Yesterday was a bit emotional (um, different from any other day how?). It's inspiring, being part of something so life affirming whilst knowing that someone is packing lots in cos they don't have long left. I've known several folk who have died this year and none have them have been people who I'm really really close to, and the thought of losing any one of my dearhearts terrifies me.
I can't quite figure out tho how to live a life that has all the things in it that we have to do, like toilet cleaning and driving to work and paying the bills, as well as live each moment with every single one of my lovelies as if it were their and my last. I had a good conversation with one of my lovelies today about how we have to find the joy in the bill paying cos that is the stuff of life too.
One of my many friends-that-I-don't-spend-enough-time-with uses the word "dearheart" to describe me and no doubt a whole host of other wonderful people in her life. I'm glad I'm dear to her heart, it is mutual, and I'm also glad she has tons of people who make her life full of love. Sometimes tho the stuffness of life overshadows the love and that gets frustrating cos I don't want to waste even a second of my existence doing anything other than delight in the love of and for my dearhearts.
Today I hopefully will get to spend lots of time in the presence of many people I love - we have our church nativity and party and then we're off to celebrate my mum's birthday in front of a roaring fire. I'm sure there will be times when instead of delighting, there may be tension and friction - this too is the stuff of life and though it's not how I'd like it to be, I know we always come through to the other joyous side.
My friend Ben has taught me a lot about celebrating the life and love we have right now instead of bemoaning what we wish we might have had. I hope that your day today is full of celebrating dearhearts near and far. Even whilst you try and scrub those stains in the loo.
And relax...
'Home' and in front of the fire, and my dad has made me some damson gin. Maybe my first hangover awaits after all??!!
I can't quite figure out tho how to live a life that has all the things in it that we have to do, like toilet cleaning and driving to work and paying the bills, as well as live each moment with every single one of my lovelies as if it were their and my last. I had a good conversation with one of my lovelies today about how we have to find the joy in the bill paying cos that is the stuff of life too.
One of my many friends-that-I-don't-spend-enough-time-with uses the word "dearheart" to describe me and no doubt a whole host of other wonderful people in her life. I'm glad I'm dear to her heart, it is mutual, and I'm also glad she has tons of people who make her life full of love. Sometimes tho the stuffness of life overshadows the love and that gets frustrating cos I don't want to waste even a second of my existence doing anything other than delight in the love of and for my dearhearts.
Today I hopefully will get to spend lots of time in the presence of many people I love - we have our church nativity and party and then we're off to celebrate my mum's birthday in front of a roaring fire. I'm sure there will be times when instead of delighting, there may be tension and friction - this too is the stuff of life and though it's not how I'd like it to be, I know we always come through to the other joyous side.
My friend Ben has taught me a lot about celebrating the life and love we have right now instead of bemoaning what we wish we might have had. I hope that your day today is full of celebrating dearhearts near and far. Even whilst you try and scrub those stains in the loo.
And relax...
'Home' and in front of the fire, and my dad has made me some damson gin. Maybe my first hangover awaits after all??!!
too much of a good thing can be wonderful
I saw a sign in a local pottery that I contemplated buying - for a friend tho maybe actually I should have bought it for myself. I've noticed that the people closest to me at the moment have something to teach me about doing more of what you want, of not constantly holding back. Tho sometimes I wonder if it's me who can share with them the benefits of restraint? Right now my son is having the time of his life laughing at whatever he's watching - I think it would have been much more sensible for him to have had more sleep so he's not grumpy later. Right now I think he's made a good choice. Later I might not ;-)
I would never in a million years run 45 miles a few days after chemo, yet look at how much joy that brought to Ben. I've never got drunk, the thought of an excess of alcohol, of not being with it, has no appeal whatsoever. Ironically, the reason I didn't buy the sign was that the consequences were too risky. But is the fear of consequences stopping me from living wholeheartedly? Is it good that I listen to the small stubborn voice that goes 'you shouldn't do that' or do I need to be learning to throw caution to the wind? I'm a bit envious of those who are able to delight in the Joy the moment brings. Whilst there are advantages to 'big picture thinking' am I denying myself because of constantly weighing up the impact my actions may have? And I know that my refusal to participate can marr the enjoyment of others who have less reservations about throwing themselves in.
So many choices! What I do know is if I was talking to a friend I'd remind them that it's ok for them to be themselves, that they don't have to change to fit in with others, that people will love them just the way they are. But that they of course can always try out different ways of being if they want :-)
I would never in a million years run 45 miles a few days after chemo, yet look at how much joy that brought to Ben. I've never got drunk, the thought of an excess of alcohol, of not being with it, has no appeal whatsoever. Ironically, the reason I didn't buy the sign was that the consequences were too risky. But is the fear of consequences stopping me from living wholeheartedly? Is it good that I listen to the small stubborn voice that goes 'you shouldn't do that' or do I need to be learning to throw caution to the wind? I'm a bit envious of those who are able to delight in the Joy the moment brings. Whilst there are advantages to 'big picture thinking' am I denying myself because of constantly weighing up the impact my actions may have? And I know that my refusal to participate can marr the enjoyment of others who have less reservations about throwing themselves in.
So many choices! What I do know is if I was talking to a friend I'd remind them that it's ok for them to be themselves, that they don't have to change to fit in with others, that people will love them just the way they are. But that they of course can always try out different ways of being if they want :-)
Saturday, 20 December 2014
cheeky santa dash
This morning was a brilliant thing to be part of! I didn't run but I sang lots and clapped so much that my hands have gone really smooth. If I were to be arrested today I don't think they'd be able to take my fingerprints as I have worn away the grooves on my skin with so much applauding, for all the runners, but particularly for Ben who inspired today's event.
So one of my lovely choirs sang before the runners left, whilst we waited for Ben to come in from his first (24 miles) circuit of the Guild Wheel. We then sang again as the runners both finished their first lap and also completed the 5 km Santa Dash - this could be heard throughout the route one of our running choir members reported, so that was good! We then did an awesome dance/sing along to "Happy" as Ben came in from his second santa dash lap and proceeded onto his 2nd guild wheel circuit. so that will be 45 miles in total. I've returned home for lunch and to walk the dog but I'm hoping to be back in the park later to cheer him as he completes today's challenge. Sponsor him here at : http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/fundraiser-web/fundraiser/showFundraiserProfilePage.action?userUrl=bensbowelmovements
The compere was very in the spirit of the event, bowled over like many of us by Ben's take on life and death - his bowel cancer is terminal and he's using his time to raise money, awareness, and live life to the full. At one point the compere gave me a microphone so I could join him in a duet of Fairytale of New York. It turns out that I really don't know the words. Karaoke without the words is a tad embarrasing but my mates assured me I didn't embarrass myself and I was pleasantly surprised that I wasn't reduced to a nervous wreck when holding the mike. I think I've learned some tricks around setting aside my own feelings so as not to shy away from something scary that's actually for the greater good. Or maybe I'm holding to that notion that life's too short to not just seize every moment and live it as joyfully as possible. It was awesome to be part of such an ace thing along with so many wonderful people. The words I have in my ears at the moment are from my friend David LaMotte who urges us to show up - that's all we have to do. I nearly didn't stay today as I wanted to be in two places at once. But I'm so glad I did. I am very very grateful indeed.
So one of my lovely choirs sang before the runners left, whilst we waited for Ben to come in from his first (24 miles) circuit of the Guild Wheel. We then sang again as the runners both finished their first lap and also completed the 5 km Santa Dash - this could be heard throughout the route one of our running choir members reported, so that was good! We then did an awesome dance/sing along to "Happy" as Ben came in from his second santa dash lap and proceeded onto his 2nd guild wheel circuit. so that will be 45 miles in total. I've returned home for lunch and to walk the dog but I'm hoping to be back in the park later to cheer him as he completes today's challenge. Sponsor him here at : http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/fundraiser-web/fundraiser/showFundraiserProfilePage.action?userUrl=bensbowelmovementsThe compere was very in the spirit of the event, bowled over like many of us by Ben's take on life and death - his bowel cancer is terminal and he's using his time to raise money, awareness, and live life to the full. At one point the compere gave me a microphone so I could join him in a duet of Fairytale of New York. It turns out that I really don't know the words. Karaoke without the words is a tad embarrasing but my mates assured me I didn't embarrass myself and I was pleasantly surprised that I wasn't reduced to a nervous wreck when holding the mike. I think I've learned some tricks around setting aside my own feelings so as not to shy away from something scary that's actually for the greater good. Or maybe I'm holding to that notion that life's too short to not just seize every moment and live it as joyfully as possible. It was awesome to be part of such an ace thing along with so many wonderful people. The words I have in my ears at the moment are from my friend David LaMotte who urges us to show up - that's all we have to do. I nearly didn't stay today as I wanted to be in two places at once. But I'm so glad I did. I am very very grateful indeed.
Friday, 19 December 2014
no chicken counting
So it transpires that the corner I turned was into a dead end. Foolishly I didn't call them yesterday to just double check all was progressing smoothly, and so the file sat, with notes added to it saying no, all was not progressing smoothly. I have however made 6 calls tonight, and managed to turn those notes into people taking action. One lovely lady rang me back at 6pm, an hour after she should have left to finish her Christmas shopping, to say she had not only done x, y and z, but also here's the figure you now owe us and we can complete on Monday. I will be commending her when I submit my official complaint next week. Apparently it's not possible to complain at 5.20pm on a Friday (I wasn't that surprised) and so I did manage a joke about getting through to pay roll instead - I have spent so many hours this week working on my case that I feel I should be added to their list. I had to laugh given that I'd already had a cry. BUT I'm now cautiously celebrating. Having handed over a big wodge of money tonight I am really really hoping it's cos this is it.
Speaking of big wodges of money, it's a good job Friday choir isn't usually cancelled. I used the time to trawl Morrisons instead and spent nearly £100 on copious amounts of juice and other items that are too heavy to carry. I much prefer singing to shopping (I did sing whilst I shopped but no-one joined in).
Speaking of big wodges of money, it's a good job Friday choir isn't usually cancelled. I used the time to trawl Morrisons instead and spent nearly £100 on copious amounts of juice and other items that are too heavy to carry. I much prefer singing to shopping (I did sing whilst I shopped but no-one joined in).
ablaze
In addition to the usual clutter on my bedroom floor, I currently have an array of presents strewn in front of my wardrobe, some wrapped, others awaiting magic elves. There is also a large box of wrapping paper. I'm the sort of person who salvages as much as possible when gifts are unwrapped, then I stash it for the following year and have a fab collection of odds and ends. For the past few days this box has adorned my floor and is topped by a large piece of shiny red gift
wrapping. And Every Single Time I enter my room my head thinks there is a lovely cosy fire. I'm intrigued that my mind doesn't panic over this perceived flame but instead delights at how toasty my room is. I'm sure I've had my heating on less since my fake fireplace played tricks on me.
Do you think I might need a holiday??! My cough is worsening, its that time of year (never a sympathetic response when you're feeling ill). Just a day or so of work left then really looking forward to a crackling real fire in dufton!
Do you think I might need a holiday??! My cough is worsening, its that time of year (never a sympathetic response when you're feeling ill). Just a day or so of work left then really looking forward to a crackling real fire in dufton!
Thursday, 18 December 2014
folksy Christmas
There's a suggested playlist on spotify that's right up my alley. I shall be picking songs off it this morning whilst I crack on with a few work bits. I have a couple of hours before the first of my 2 Christmas meals I've co-ordinated for today - the first a buffet at a group, the second a meal out for all my volunteers. I should never be a wedding planner, it's not my natural skill set this. I actually need to go out at least 2 times before the group tho feel very tempted to stay put, tho the dog won't let me get away with that.
On my more co-ordinated days I set the washer to be on to utilise my solar power. I looked at the sky today and don't think the light will ever be enough to power my permanently running computer let alone a load of washing, so I stuck it on first thing anyway.
I am feeling very grateful that a lovely friend (and regular blog reader!) came round last night bearing a needle and proceeded to prod the carpet round the mysterious hole. He has declared the surrounding floorboards sound rather than rotten, so that is good news. See, that corner has definitely been turned.
...
Just sat down with a brew, my first stop of the day, and realised I I didn't get the main thing off my list when at the supermarket. Bother. Not quite enough minutes in today...
On my more co-ordinated days I set the washer to be on to utilise my solar power. I looked at the sky today and don't think the light will ever be enough to power my permanently running computer let alone a load of washing, so I stuck it on first thing anyway.
I am feeling very grateful that a lovely friend (and regular blog reader!) came round last night bearing a needle and proceeded to prod the carpet round the mysterious hole. He has declared the surrounding floorboards sound rather than rotten, so that is good news. See, that corner has definitely been turned.
...
Just sat down with a brew, my first stop of the day, and realised I I didn't get the main thing off my list when at the supermarket. Bother. Not quite enough minutes in today...
Wednesday, 17 December 2014
slumber
Today I am spectacularly tired. I don't know if most people's bodies are like this, I find I can function pretty well after a sleepless night, it's the following day it hits. So despite sleeping ok last night I can barely open my eyes yet can't linger as I am being picked up shortly from the garage.
I'm very grateful that a colleague is giving me a lift into work whilst my car is ( hopefully) being mended today. We're having our last meeting of the year as a festive buffet so that should be lovely.
I didn't watch any news but heard radio reports of hideous things happening. I then saw some newspaper headlines later, one of which was how a celebrity's marriage was hanging by a thread. Whilst I know this will be absolutely awful for those involved I don't understand how this is news, let alone headline news and why on earth it is anyone else's business. We live in a very mixed up world, the things we pay attention to in order to distract us from the important stuff.
I wonder if it's going to be a tired grumpy day or if I can make it a day of staying grateful for the blessings cos I have no energy for anything else?!
... What's that? I'm hoping it's the sound of a corner being turned! Just collected mended car from garage without any additional unpleasant surprises. And I was phoned at work today with a progress report on mortgage. Hurrah! Singing tonight too B-)
I'm very grateful that a colleague is giving me a lift into work whilst my car is ( hopefully) being mended today. We're having our last meeting of the year as a festive buffet so that should be lovely.
I didn't watch any news but heard radio reports of hideous things happening. I then saw some newspaper headlines later, one of which was how a celebrity's marriage was hanging by a thread. Whilst I know this will be absolutely awful for those involved I don't understand how this is news, let alone headline news and why on earth it is anyone else's business. We live in a very mixed up world, the things we pay attention to in order to distract us from the important stuff.
I wonder if it's going to be a tired grumpy day or if I can make it a day of staying grateful for the blessings cos I have no energy for anything else?!
... What's that? I'm hoping it's the sound of a corner being turned! Just collected mended car from garage without any additional unpleasant surprises. And I was phoned at work today with a progress report on mortgage. Hurrah! Singing tonight too B-)
Tuesday, 16 December 2014
you make me sing to the houseplants
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| Our fridge currently. A happy place. |
I'm trying not to beat myself up as to why I've let myself become so hung up on something instead of letting it go. The irony isn't lost on me that this mortgage process is making me so ill if I'm not careful I'll end up not being able to work and therefore pay the mortgage!!
So why is it so all-consumingly important?
When the children had an unexpected and unwanted massive change in their lives a few years back it quickly became apparent that trying to change anything else, even something little, to the house or a tradition, was difficult. For me I've had a few aims really - to focus on the 3 of us above everything else and our wellbeing, to try and have as reasonable a relationship as possible with their Dad, and to do what it takes to enable us to stay in this home they've grown up in.
The reason I've been so wound up about this mortgage application falling through is that I don't feel it's so simple as to start again in the new year - with my main contract expiring in March I don't feel I'll be particularly mortgagable, and so the pressure is on to sort it now. I keep telling myself that there are tons of other options, but I'm also aware that the divorce is contingent on me buying out my husband and I've signed that form saying I know I'll go to prison if I don't follow through.
Now the rational bit of me (which is there somewhere, honest!) tells me that no-one is going to send me to prison over this. What purpose would that serve? I'd be even less able to pay the mortgage and it's hardly a warning to anyone else is it - I don't think I could have tried much harder to make this process work (speaking of which I must leave enough time to email the solicitors encouragingly).
It is hard to keep believing people are doing their best when their mistakes mean that I get anxious. Every time I try to complain I first have to discuss my case and then discover another form that has expired and so my energy has to go to that. Maybe once it's done I'll file a complaint at that point but part of me feels foolish for taking on a bunch of solicitors and so the powerlessness kicks in.
But the truth is I am powerful. The saddest part for me yesterday was when someone turned nasty. No-one deserves anyone to be nasty to them, although I can see how when we feel crap that has to come out somewhere. My power resides in how I handle this and why would I be defeated by stupid paperwork? I'm off to sing to some houseplants and then into work - not so I can earn some money but so I can put my energies into way more constructive matters :)
... I've just spoken to the 13th different agent of the last 3 weeks - annoyingly I didn't make a note prior to that. What will I do with my 'spare' time when I no longer have to come in and phone them and ask them to check that the latest action they have undertaken has been received//acceptable.
Monday, 15 December 2014
countdown
I have fond memories of the advent calendars of my childhood. Not the chocolate ones, I'm a girl of simple pleasures, but the little windows and perforated card and the picture beneath. It feels far too wasteful to do one as an adult and to be honest the countdown has changed. It would no longer be about the anticipation of an exciting day. I suspect if I did an advent calendar now it would only mark the crossing off of how few days I have left to sort things out. That's a shame really.
There's lots I am looking forward to, particularly going to see my parents beforehand. I feel I'm on a bit of a countdown this week, the last of the school term. There's usually some pockets of unallocated time but this week seems to have lots assigned - crammed into evenings as well as by day. I've managed to get a slot at the garage this afternoon for them to fix my light on the way back from some training I'm running, so that's good.
My aim is to enjoy each minute and not feel as if I'm just getting through until I can relax at the weekend - as that's not how I think life is supposed to be lived. Hope you are celebrating the now too!
....
AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I'm beginning to doubt if we can make the mortgage deadline in time. I rang my current provider today and found that something else has expired so am now having to chase that, with someone whose phone is currently not working so it simply might just not happen. What is it I'm supposed to be learning here? That I have to keep hope right til the last moment? That sometimes I just have to give up and with all the good will in the world if something isn't going to happen it's not going to happen?
The garage also couldn't fix the car so that's rescheduled for wednesday.
I could cry. And have, lots.
I have a friend who says that if something is proving too difficult maybe it's just not meant to be. Maybe I'm not supposed to own this house? So what am I meant to be doing instead? Is now the time to be joining the convent? Setting up a community? Running away to a scottish island?
There's lots I am looking forward to, particularly going to see my parents beforehand. I feel I'm on a bit of a countdown this week, the last of the school term. There's usually some pockets of unallocated time but this week seems to have lots assigned - crammed into evenings as well as by day. I've managed to get a slot at the garage this afternoon for them to fix my light on the way back from some training I'm running, so that's good.
My aim is to enjoy each minute and not feel as if I'm just getting through until I can relax at the weekend - as that's not how I think life is supposed to be lived. Hope you are celebrating the now too!
....
AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I'm beginning to doubt if we can make the mortgage deadline in time. I rang my current provider today and found that something else has expired so am now having to chase that, with someone whose phone is currently not working so it simply might just not happen. What is it I'm supposed to be learning here? That I have to keep hope right til the last moment? That sometimes I just have to give up and with all the good will in the world if something isn't going to happen it's not going to happen?
The garage also couldn't fix the car so that's rescheduled for wednesday.
I could cry. And have, lots.
I have a friend who says that if something is proving too difficult maybe it's just not meant to be. Maybe I'm not supposed to own this house? So what am I meant to be doing instead? Is now the time to be joining the convent? Setting up a community? Running away to a scottish island?
Sunday, 14 December 2014
please look after this bear
I love kids films and was marginally more excited than my boy at going to see Paddington. Some suspension of reality was needed but we laughed, and I nearly cried at several points.
How fitting that within seconds of us getting home the doorbell rang, someone needing a place to sleep for the night. She's no bear and so far hasn't destroyed the facilities ;-) I was particularly pleased that I'd bought some spare toothbrushes earlier in the week so could even offer one of those. Our house may be falling apart but it's still a good shelter.
Lots of church today - nativity practice at our own, and christingle this eve at school church. Better get going!
How fitting that within seconds of us getting home the doorbell rang, someone needing a place to sleep for the night. She's no bear and so far hasn't destroyed the facilities ;-) I was particularly pleased that I'd bought some spare toothbrushes earlier in the week so could even offer one of those. Our house may be falling apart but it's still a good shelter.
Lots of church today - nativity practice at our own, and christingle this eve at school church. Better get going!
Saturday, 13 December 2014
will you love the "you" you hide?
One of my ace friends inspired me to do a personal gift for someone so I've been scrawling down the things that stop us being fully ourselves, those things that if we got rid of them, we'd be free to get on living fully. My friends do this for me loads - encourage me to be the me I want to be :) And so I'm encouraging my friend to leave behind what was said about them, their school report, the masks she wears, the happy ever after.
I'm so grateful for my loved ones cheering me on - means I wake up in the morning with a song in my heart and a smile on my face and an easy readiness to spread the joy. As the gift is supposed to be a surprise this blog is only going to make a fleeting appearance and may re-appear in the new year!! Just need to go out now and get the rest of the gift to go with it :)
I'm so grateful for my loved ones cheering me on - means I wake up in the morning with a song in my heart and a smile on my face and an easy readiness to spread the joy. As the gift is supposed to be a surprise this blog is only going to make a fleeting appearance and may re-appear in the new year!! Just need to go out now and get the rest of the gift to go with it :)
catch a falling star
I don't often gaze at the stars, tho I've been out a few times this week looking for my friend's star. I was chatting earlier with another friend about being hit by a meteor and only later discovered tonight is a great chance to see a shower of them, and so wanting to live life to the full, decided to go out and stare awhile. Sadly I spotted none (best at 2am, I can't stay up that long, they were already twinkling more than usual which I suspect is down to tired eyes at this hour). Nonetheless it was beautiful and awe inspiring and I shall endeavour to gaze more often.
Meanwhile yet another friend sent me this ace answer to a question on "What is God":
http://johnshelbyspong.com/2014/12/11/standing-on-the-boundary-between-death-and-life-charles-robinson-1931-2014-r-i-p/
There's lots I like about this, the fact that none of us can define God, but can talk about our own experiences, which he admits may be delusional, but for Bishop Spong is
"God as the Source of life calling me to live fully, as the Source of love empowering me to love wastefully, and, as the Ground of all Being (to borrow a phrase from Paul Tillich) giving me the courage to be all that I can be."
I am trying to live fully and love wastefully (tho would contest that no love is ever wasted, but I get the drift of abundance and sometimes seeming futility). Sometimes there can be obstacles. It feels as if the house is trying to ask me if I really want to be solely responsible for it - some last challenges before the mortgage gets sorted? In addition to the still unsourced leak, I'm getting increasingly concerned about the hole under the carpet in the lounge which is getting unmistakably larger. When I get chance these next few days I think I'm going to have to get it investigated. And tonight the screws from the loft hatch finally came out despite my patch up job a couple of years back. Again this is going to require a bit more technically competent sorting. Never mind, for now the house is still standing and so am I :) Hopefully only one of us is dancing :D
Meanwhile yet another friend sent me this ace answer to a question on "What is God":
http://johnshelbyspong.com/2014/12/11/standing-on-the-boundary-between-death-and-life-charles-robinson-1931-2014-r-i-p/
There's lots I like about this, the fact that none of us can define God, but can talk about our own experiences, which he admits may be delusional, but for Bishop Spong is
"God as the Source of life calling me to live fully, as the Source of love empowering me to love wastefully, and, as the Ground of all Being (to borrow a phrase from Paul Tillich) giving me the courage to be all that I can be."
I am trying to live fully and love wastefully (tho would contest that no love is ever wasted, but I get the drift of abundance and sometimes seeming futility). Sometimes there can be obstacles. It feels as if the house is trying to ask me if I really want to be solely responsible for it - some last challenges before the mortgage gets sorted? In addition to the still unsourced leak, I'm getting increasingly concerned about the hole under the carpet in the lounge which is getting unmistakably larger. When I get chance these next few days I think I'm going to have to get it investigated. And tonight the screws from the loft hatch finally came out despite my patch up job a couple of years back. Again this is going to require a bit more technically competent sorting. Never mind, for now the house is still standing and so am I :) Hopefully only one of us is dancing :D
Friday, 12 December 2014
power/hungry
The link below is insightful, a visual juxtaposition of the realities of haves and have nots over time and space.http://i100.independent.co.uk/article/a-brief-history-of-how-the-rich-and-poor-eat--lJgN3Wugtx
It's been so cold and stormy this week I have constantly been giving thanks for having a warm house - my girly even brought inside the little reindeer I'd bought as a gift when I went away last week. Several folk have commented on how long my hair is - this is mainly due to lack of time to cut it, but last night when I had enough opportunity I decided its just too cold to go shorn. I'm also aware that if I'm going to start applying for jobs I might be better with less controversial hair. I know that really I only want to work somewhere that accepts me just as I am, but is this an option at the interview stage? For now I'll stick with it as it is but of course could change my mind at any moment!!
Thursday, 11 December 2014
O come let us adore him
The Catholic church we sang in last night was very chilly, but we still managed to bring joy with our Christmas singing :)
I've been thinking about the word "adore" recently as I realise it's not one I particularly use and wondered why. On reflection, I think it's cos I somehow see it as a distant activity, whereby an untouchable other is revered and elevated as above myself. Which isn't really my kind of way, is it? Either with people or my concept of a deity. Me, I'm less giving of adoration, and prefer my more down to earth concept of trying to love. I'm not blind to the other person's imperfections which is how I see "adoring", it's almost an infatuation with the brilliance - too many twee nativity scenes on Christmas cards? I'd like to think that love is when you see the other person's imperfections and love them anyway. Love for me is cheerfully clearing up the dog vomit when you'd rather be in your warm bed; love is staying put to try and work things out even when it gets hard; love is remembering how lovely someone is even when they're being grumpy cos it's far too early. For me yes love is patient and kind, but more realistically love is also messy and difficult at times. It doesn't make us immune to the crappy bits about others, it helps us keep forgiving despite them.
The times I've been told I'm adored I've felt a bit uncomfortable as I've felt put on a pedestal from which I'm bound to topple. But ultimately it's only semantics. As long as we're all seeing the best in each other and striving to love does it matter what words we use? So I hope today you get to both receive and give that wonderful thing-beyond-words, where you feel wonderful and fuzzy - not cos it's all heart shaped, pristine and cellophane wrapped, but cos you know you are wanted and accepted and cherished just the way you are :D
And now I've just seen this which I think is great :) http://www.pipwilson.com/2014/12/every-time-you-tell-someone-you-are.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+pipwilsonbhp+%28Pip+Wilson+bhp+......+blog%29
I've been thinking about the word "adore" recently as I realise it's not one I particularly use and wondered why. On reflection, I think it's cos I somehow see it as a distant activity, whereby an untouchable other is revered and elevated as above myself. Which isn't really my kind of way, is it? Either with people or my concept of a deity. Me, I'm less giving of adoration, and prefer my more down to earth concept of trying to love. I'm not blind to the other person's imperfections which is how I see "adoring", it's almost an infatuation with the brilliance - too many twee nativity scenes on Christmas cards? I'd like to think that love is when you see the other person's imperfections and love them anyway. Love for me is cheerfully clearing up the dog vomit when you'd rather be in your warm bed; love is staying put to try and work things out even when it gets hard; love is remembering how lovely someone is even when they're being grumpy cos it's far too early. For me yes love is patient and kind, but more realistically love is also messy and difficult at times. It doesn't make us immune to the crappy bits about others, it helps us keep forgiving despite them.
The times I've been told I'm adored I've felt a bit uncomfortable as I've felt put on a pedestal from which I'm bound to topple. But ultimately it's only semantics. As long as we're all seeing the best in each other and striving to love does it matter what words we use? So I hope today you get to both receive and give that wonderful thing-beyond-words, where you feel wonderful and fuzzy - not cos it's all heart shaped, pristine and cellophane wrapped, but cos you know you are wanted and accepted and cherished just the way you are :D
And now I've just seen this which I think is great :) http://www.pipwilson.com/2014/12/every-time-you-tell-someone-you-are.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+pipwilsonbhp+%28Pip+Wilson+bhp+......+blog%29
Wednesday, 10 December 2014
blown down
Maybe I'm just not meant to sleep before midnight? I've had a run of late nights recently but last night made it to bed before 11.30. Yet I then had to get up 3 times to investigate suspicious noises. All were founded and I'm glad I got up, especially after the crash from a bedroom when I debated if I really needed to leave my warm duvet. As always my conscience got the better of me, fortunately, as any more delaying and the hamster may have got away for good.
The other sounds needed forays outside, tho in the end I left the fallen wheely bin wedged where it was.
In so many ways I'm living my life the way I'd like to, and I'm very grateful for all the joys in it. And I'm also aware of just how quickly I get blown down. Some days more than others I'm waiting on the arrival of the divorce certificate and feel knocked over by the force of a broken promise. I suspect a more joyful response is to ride with the wind rather than be tossed aside by it. So once again I get to decide to be light and playful so I can float rather than be felled. Hope you too can be in touch with your lighter side B-)
The other sounds needed forays outside, tho in the end I left the fallen wheely bin wedged where it was.
In so many ways I'm living my life the way I'd like to, and I'm very grateful for all the joys in it. And I'm also aware of just how quickly I get blown down. Some days more than others I'm waiting on the arrival of the divorce certificate and feel knocked over by the force of a broken promise. I suspect a more joyful response is to ride with the wind rather than be tossed aside by it. So once again I get to decide to be light and playful so I can float rather than be felled. Hope you too can be in touch with your lighter side B-)
Tuesday, 9 December 2014
one sided
I'm not a very silent person. If I read a blog I will frequently comment by way of encouragement. I'm also the sort of person who likes and comments on Facebook statuses, who sends random texts, who puts a little note in with Christmas cards -that's why they take so long to write, but they're pretty much all done now, yay!
Because we're all beautifully unique, other people are sometimes not as responsive as I am and occasionally I can doubt myself. When conversations feel a bit one sided I can wonder if I'm pushing myself forward. But I'm not going to let the fears win. I know it's just that pull for affirmations instead of trusting that everything I do is my best and doesn't have to be validated. A big part of who I am is that I love anyway. I give those teeny bits of encouragement that I feel make a difference. It only takes one person to start something off and I can be that one! I'm only responsible for what I do not what others do and whilst I sometimes think it would be ace if others were more like me, I know the truth is we are all better for being different B-)
Because we're all beautifully unique, other people are sometimes not as responsive as I am and occasionally I can doubt myself. When conversations feel a bit one sided I can wonder if I'm pushing myself forward. But I'm not going to let the fears win. I know it's just that pull for affirmations instead of trusting that everything I do is my best and doesn't have to be validated. A big part of who I am is that I love anyway. I give those teeny bits of encouragement that I feel make a difference. It only takes one person to start something off and I can be that one! I'm only responsible for what I do not what others do and whilst I sometimes think it would be ace if others were more like me, I know the truth is we are all better for being different B-)
Monday, 8 December 2014
oxygen masks
I have a fab friend (I have many fab friends, I expect I count you among them) who once very wisely reminded me of the aeroplane safety drill. In the event of an emergency, always put your own oxygen mask on first before then helping others. It makes tons of sense - if we don't, we could then run out of air and so be of no use to anyone else. But if we see to our own air supply we're then good to consistently assist as many others as needed.
As a parent, and as someone who has been brought up with a sacrificial notion of "love others as yourself" as if that were to mean loving others above yourself, I think there's a pull to put others first. If I was in a disaster with my kids I can see I'd be tempted to check they're ok first and then see to my own needs. It's what often happens in daily life. But the reality is - in both daily life as well as a crisis, that if I don't care for myself I won't be in a position to care for others.
So what are your oxygen masks? How do you remember to pull it on when the going is getting tough rather than belatedly remember you had one and forgot to get it out?
Mine include my friends who sing my song back to me when I am forgetting it. Last week I texted a friend I only have intermittent contact with, and simply said I need you to remind me how wonderful I am. She replied saying that was easy. Bless her.
I hope you have a great set of oxygen masks, if you're not sure what they are I urge you to think about it now before you actually need them. I'm always happy to give you one of mine - as long of course as I keep one for myself cos that's the whole point ;)
As a parent, and as someone who has been brought up with a sacrificial notion of "love others as yourself" as if that were to mean loving others above yourself, I think there's a pull to put others first. If I was in a disaster with my kids I can see I'd be tempted to check they're ok first and then see to my own needs. It's what often happens in daily life. But the reality is - in both daily life as well as a crisis, that if I don't care for myself I won't be in a position to care for others.
So what are your oxygen masks? How do you remember to pull it on when the going is getting tough rather than belatedly remember you had one and forgot to get it out?
Mine include my friends who sing my song back to me when I am forgetting it. Last week I texted a friend I only have intermittent contact with, and simply said I need you to remind me how wonderful I am. She replied saying that was easy. Bless her.
I hope you have a great set of oxygen masks, if you're not sure what they are I urge you to think about it now before you actually need them. I'm always happy to give you one of mine - as long of course as I keep one for myself cos that's the whole point ;)
dancing in the hail
A good weekend "off" with almost non stop singing, it's done me the power of good. I'm just working through my emails now tho and found one from saturday telling me about something I should have done on Sunday. Oh well, the world didn't end.
See, it's brightening, we just have to have hope. Still not made it out with dog yet tho, been hard at work. And also seen this which is also warming: http://magazine.good.is/articles/neo-nazis-tricked
I've been feeling very grateful for all you lovely folk who gave me so much support last week - your texts and emails were much appreciated and helped keep me going. And I know not all my blog readers are able to email but I'm sure you've also been wishing me well :) I'd like to think my blog readers even those who don't know me in real life, are the kind of folk who think kindly of others. Ultimately I think we are all those people, just life's hurts can squish it out of some of us.
My quote for today is "what if the dog brings the ball back cos he thinks we enjoy throwing it?" I think that's sweet and entirely possible. My limited experience of dogs has me think maybe they would like to make us happy. I know I do things for folk/the dog cos I think it makes him happy tho maybe they/he just join in cos they think it's what I want? Tho if we can find it in ourselves to enjoy everything, even cleaning the toilet, then we enjoy the ball throwing even if we feel we're not doing it for us, and does it then matter who it is for if both are content?? However, today it's dark and hailing and my desire to take the dog for a walk is non existent. I did dance in the hail last time I was caught in it, but that novelty has already worn off!!! Here's hoping things brighten/warm up.
See, it's brightening, we just have to have hope. Still not made it out with dog yet tho, been hard at work. And also seen this which is also warming: http://magazine.good.is/articles/neo-nazis-tricked
Sunday, 7 December 2014
some guys have all the luck
It is absolutely brilliant that after the week I had last week, that this weekend should be full of singing. We rehearsed all afternoon for our Christmas gig yesterday, and as a result sounded awesome, it's always so good to be the bringers of so much joy. I felt so lucky after, to be part of something so amazing. I don't think it is just luck tho. I know there's so much we don't have a say over, the crappy situations we can find ourselves in, but there are still choices within that crappiness. I had to work really hard this week to stay positive at times but I mainly managed it and I think it makes a big difference. Everytime I noticed something warmth giving - a radiator, the hot belly of the dog, or snuggly scarf, I gave thanks for the warmth.
As well as singing my favourite thing is being in the arms of those I love - my kids, my best friends, my boyfriend, or I'm somewhat surprised to discover, my hound. I often wish I had more opportunities to be with those I love when circumstances dictate that I'm not. But maybe by not being with them all the time I get to appreciate the time I do have more? So I enjoyed my night cuddled up with the dog I never really wanted anyway, and it was very lovely B-)
I hope you can feel lucky today too!
As well as singing my favourite thing is being in the arms of those I love - my kids, my best friends, my boyfriend, or I'm somewhat surprised to discover, my hound. I often wish I had more opportunities to be with those I love when circumstances dictate that I'm not. But maybe by not being with them all the time I get to appreciate the time I do have more? So I enjoyed my night cuddled up with the dog I never really wanted anyway, and it was very lovely B-)
I hope you can feel lucky today too!
Saturday, 6 December 2014
free mince pies
Very much in my element (as well as in the elements) this morning giving away free mince pies to shoppers in St Anne's, and so engaging in the resulting conversations as to how difficult diabetes is at Christmas etc. Just my sort of church activity, will have to think if we can do something similar more locally next year. Tho it turns out lots of people are not so keen on mince pies for all kinds of reasons.
I love explaining to people that we're not raising money for anything, just giving things away because it is good to do so.
Today is a non stop day so off again now. I hope you are able to notice all you're given B-)
I love explaining to people that we're not raising money for anything, just giving things away because it is good to do so.
Today is a non stop day so off again now. I hope you are able to notice all you're given B-)
Friday, 5 December 2014
snakes and ladders
My kids are smart. It was an evening of yet more stress and tears. My boy thought it was funny that I had 99 items in my inbox and was surprised I didn't share his amusement. So he suggested we played a board game together and chose snakes and ladders.
It was good to play, and the metaphors were blindingly obvious. I need to keep noticing that there are some ladders (the kind and unexpected email offering support from someone who'd seen my tears earlier in the week) and not just all the many and stupidly long snakes.
I don't want anyone else to have to go through the anxiety this mortgage process has caused, and so will be ringing to discuss my frustrations as soon as they open this morning (I suspect they don't open at 5.30am). I think this morning my hope is for some answers as to where things should have been done differently. so even tho I will probably have to ask to speak to whoever deals with complaints I'm not emotionally clear enough to make a complaint as such.
I do wonder if this is all a test rather than a game. It doesn't feel much like a game. So far I've not been mean to those who are causing the anguish (tho my poor kids have been on the receiving end of some swearing) so I feel I'm just about passing the test I set myself. I know it's possible to let people know I'm unhappy without having a go at them personally, I've done it before and I'm sure I can do it again today. I think I do practice my kindness muscles regularly and I liked reading about that in this article below. As always I think there are crossovers into all our relationships, tho this focuses on just the one type. Much love to us all today as we try and warmly deal with all the bids for attention that come in to us :)
http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11?IR=T
...
Go me for not being cross at all with any of the lovely people I've spoken to today. Tho I did cry a little (silently for once) when one of the people showed sympathy at how stressful it must be. We're hopefully moving forwards with a plan to try and get everything resolved just in the nick of time. I feel less progress has been made on highlighting where the mistakes were made and changing procedures so no-one ever has to experience it again, but I shall persist cos then good will come out of it, and I do like it when that happens :)
It was good to play, and the metaphors were blindingly obvious. I need to keep noticing that there are some ladders (the kind and unexpected email offering support from someone who'd seen my tears earlier in the week) and not just all the many and stupidly long snakes.
I don't want anyone else to have to go through the anxiety this mortgage process has caused, and so will be ringing to discuss my frustrations as soon as they open this morning (I suspect they don't open at 5.30am). I think this morning my hope is for some answers as to where things should have been done differently. so even tho I will probably have to ask to speak to whoever deals with complaints I'm not emotionally clear enough to make a complaint as such.
I do wonder if this is all a test rather than a game. It doesn't feel much like a game. So far I've not been mean to those who are causing the anguish (tho my poor kids have been on the receiving end of some swearing) so I feel I'm just about passing the test I set myself. I know it's possible to let people know I'm unhappy without having a go at them personally, I've done it before and I'm sure I can do it again today. I think I do practice my kindness muscles regularly and I liked reading about that in this article below. As always I think there are crossovers into all our relationships, tho this focuses on just the one type. Much love to us all today as we try and warmly deal with all the bids for attention that come in to us :)
http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11?IR=T
...
Go me for not being cross at all with any of the lovely people I've spoken to today. Tho I did cry a little (silently for once) when one of the people showed sympathy at how stressful it must be. We're hopefully moving forwards with a plan to try and get everything resolved just in the nick of time. I feel less progress has been made on highlighting where the mistakes were made and changing procedures so no-one ever has to experience it again, but I shall persist cos then good will come out of it, and I do like it when that happens :)
Thursday, 4 December 2014
reasons to be cheerful
It was good to get away, though all that was making me sad and overwhelmed hasn't somehow resolved itself in my absence funnily enough. Maybe today there will be movement forwards?
Meanwhile I had better focus on what is positive. It always pleases me when strangers display trust. So I was pleased when a group of women in their 60s gathering for their annual school reunion, asked us to take a photo of them all. At the waterpark the other day I was a bit surprised when a woman nearby that I'd never met asked me to guard her bag as it had her iPad in it. Having just informed me of the contents, how did she know I wasn't then going to run off with it?
I guess it makes me happy that I'm not the only person who thinks the best of others rather than the worst.
... I'm sorry for all the swearing that was happening in my head so loudly that you all maybe heard it. Things got very very frustrating on the mortgage front. One day maybe I'll be able to laugh at just how many hurdles I have had. That day is not today. But right now I have an experiment to perform to hopefully determine if the leak is shower related.
Meanwhile I had better focus on what is positive. It always pleases me when strangers display trust. So I was pleased when a group of women in their 60s gathering for their annual school reunion, asked us to take a photo of them all. At the waterpark the other day I was a bit surprised when a woman nearby that I'd never met asked me to guard her bag as it had her iPad in it. Having just informed me of the contents, how did she know I wasn't then going to run off with it?
I guess it makes me happy that I'm not the only person who thinks the best of others rather than the worst.
... I'm sorry for all the swearing that was happening in my head so loudly that you all maybe heard it. Things got very very frustrating on the mortgage front. One day maybe I'll be able to laugh at just how many hurdles I have had. That day is not today. But right now I have an experiment to perform to hopefully determine if the leak is shower related.
Wednesday, 3 December 2014
many rivers to cross
My boyfriend does not like traversing bridges. The point of our break is to relax so we opted for a longer route avoiding the dreaded thelwall viaduct. Sadly we didn't realise the alternative route would involve several other bridges including the disliked runcorn bridge. I'm sure there's a moral there.I don't get out much. Maybe this is a new and common thing, but it surprised me to see signs at the entrance of both pubs (the one where we slept and the one of the gig) saying people would not be served if wearing, or accompanying people wearing, tracksuits. Seems like discrimination to me.
I've seen the band 4 times now as my boyfriend is a big fan. Each time the support act has differed. Last night was the debut performance of The Great Indoors, so they're not on spotify yet but if they get there I recommend them - just to my taste with their tinkly xylophone, violin, awesome harmonies and words I could relate to.
Turns out my boyfriend hates shopping even more than I do. When the first shop failed to have its promised stock that was enough. So I've returned without any presents but we did have a nice time walking the walls. These were two of my favourite observations. Firstly the way the sun had melted all but a strip of frost remaining on the wooden handrail. The light was lovely today and the weather beautiful, if frosty. Winter is here. And below, a cormorant standing in shallow water holding its wings open to the wind to dry them. I don't envy it standing in the chilly water but loved the idea of holding my wings open to the elements. Might have to give that a try.
Tuesday, 2 December 2014
the price of principles
I've noticed that having principles can be costly in many ways. Last week I popped to my local shop for pesto, the main ingredient in that night's meal. Now one of the things I like about co-op is its honesty. So when it says on a label that it's used eggs from caged hens I put it back. So in one way they lose out as I then don't buy that product, but in the long run I stay a loyal customer.
There were 2 pesto options. The first was a co-op brand and so admitted that it was made with calf rennet. The second was a more expensive brand, listing the same ingredients but no mention as to suitability for vegetarians. I pondered the dilemma awhile - it didn't say it wasn't ok, but I had my doubts. I concluded my girly would not eat something if it's acceptability was questionable and I didn't want to put her in that position. And so I then trekked to the supermarket where there was again an own label jar alongside the same we'll known brand. Only here there was an additional choice - the expensive brand also does a vegetarian version. So I was right, as a veggie version confirms that their other one clearly isn't. It cost £2.59 compared to just 89p for the supermarket's own. Sticking to my principles has a price.
And yet how guilty would I have felt giving my girly something against what she believes in? If I'm not true to myself then there's a greater cost, one I'm not willing to pay. Is there a limit to the price I'll pay for my principles? I don't know and I'm hoping I don't get pushed to find out!!!
There were 2 pesto options. The first was a co-op brand and so admitted that it was made with calf rennet. The second was a more expensive brand, listing the same ingredients but no mention as to suitability for vegetarians. I pondered the dilemma awhile - it didn't say it wasn't ok, but I had my doubts. I concluded my girly would not eat something if it's acceptability was questionable and I didn't want to put her in that position. And so I then trekked to the supermarket where there was again an own label jar alongside the same we'll known brand. Only here there was an additional choice - the expensive brand also does a vegetarian version. So I was right, as a veggie version confirms that their other one clearly isn't. It cost £2.59 compared to just 89p for the supermarket's own. Sticking to my principles has a price.
And yet how guilty would I have felt giving my girly something against what she believes in? If I'm not true to myself then there's a greater cost, one I'm not willing to pay. Is there a limit to the price I'll pay for my principles? I don't know and I'm hoping I don't get pushed to find out!!!
Monday, 1 December 2014
there's no time for fussing and fighting my friend
This week is unusual, if all goes to plan. That's a big if, obviously, and I'm trying to stay optimistic, but my optimism has taken a massive hit recently. so I'm half expecting a sick child or some other spanner in the works.
I have a long work day in Blackpool today in exchange for my usual Tuesday, and I'm taking Wednesday as annual leave (yes that's right I'm taking my holiday, hurrah!).
For the less diligent readers amongst you, I need a bit of time off.
And even if things don't go to plan, it'll work out. My main hope is to not have much conflict - life's just too short for that. Xx
I have a long work day in Blackpool today in exchange for my usual Tuesday, and I'm taking Wednesday as annual leave (yes that's right I'm taking my holiday, hurrah!).
For the less diligent readers amongst you, I need a bit of time off.
And even if things don't go to plan, it'll work out. My main hope is to not have much conflict - life's just too short for that. Xx
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