gardener

Last week I answered the phone and didn't recognise the voice. He explaned he was the guy I'd won in the auction. Clearly this isn't the sort of call I get very often and I have to say it's brought all kind of things up. Now firstly I feel a need to remind you that the word "won" in an auction is, to my mind, a bit misleading. I am paying money for his work (tho he's not getting it himself, he's kindly giving his time for the charity we were supporting). Let me also clarify I'm really looking forwards to meeting such a generous man. But I have noticed some feelings come up about it.
Firstly, I think there's the whole issue of why I bid on him in the first place - the feelings of being overwhelmed by all the stuff that needs doing. There's something about how when I took on these things - a big house, garden, a dog, and 2 children, it was in the context of having someone to manage it all with me. Now my situation has changed, every time something happens, like the plaster in the porch falling off, as it did last week, I struggle with the having to sort it by myself. I know tons of people tho for whom life's situations have varied from the expected. We start a new job and then discover it has more paperwork than we thought, we take on a project and our partner becomes ill, etc etc. So I know I just need to start seeing things a bit differently - one positive is that I get to make all the decisions I guess :)
And then a whole pile of other stuff comes up that thankfully I've had chance to counsel on this morning. Curious stuff really - why would I feel it's fine to pay a window cleaner, but start to get panicky that people will think I'm not deserving of the benefits I receive if I pay a gardener to help me out? I think I'm fearful as to where it could end - who else could I pay to help me - someone to fix that porch? someone to investigate the whole in my lounge floor? someone to come and clean for me, how about someone to come and cook all the meals. There's a ton of stuff about class and gender, and responsibilities and asking for help and the whole earning and spending money issues. No wonder I'm tired just thinking about it. Or maybe hat the bugs I'm fighting off - I spent a bit of the weekend snoozing on the sofa, so that's probably pressed my button about being lazy too, that if I could just do more I wouldn't need to ask anyone to do anything for me...
So, a fab opportunity to explore unresolved stuff - he's arriving shortly for a brew and initial chat (hope he can handle emotional clients). And I have at least realised that I'm hoping for his expertise rather than just his brawn, I don't really want him to just rip up some weeds then go. Maybe he can help me with making the garden less maintenance-heavy for these next few years. That kind of help is the most useful - not just patching things up in the here and now but helping change things for the longer term. Hurrah.

Also, I heard this over the weekend and like it :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-AHG9ag1R0

Need to stay focused on all I have achieved so far today. Including cutting my (getting too spiky) hair. Now wearing a floppy hat to go get food as it's a bit nippy round my ears. What with my curtains-style coat, I looked a bit boho :)