the fence tightrope

I know I've blogged about all this before, so move on now if you don't want to be bored! But it's where I'm at right now.
You know how we all have "stuff" - the things about ourselves we worry about, the old fears that repeat in our heads especially when we're tired and worn down and doubting ourselves. And that stuff can divide us one from another wherever it gets hooked into other people's stuff. I've noticed how things can sometimes get what's termed political when people's stuff puts people off them as it sets something off for them. Associations form, gangs grow, people's behaviour changes as a result of office or family politics. wars start. I sometimes feel a bit of a misfit cos I don't find myself belonging in a gang. At events, or just on the school playground, I don't tend to be aligned with one group of people over another, I chat to a stranger as much as someone I've known ages. I have a strong dislike of side taking and whilst might be seen by some as maybe cowardly for my fence sitting, I prefer to think that I try and see the best in everyone. So when someone is sharing with me how hard they find someone else's behaviour, I can empathise as to how tricky that feels, but I don't tend to concur that I feel the same even though sometimes I know that's what the person would like. Sometimes that can feel a little isolating as I'm not in a tribe. Sometimes it's uncomfortable - the people pleaser in me wants people to like me and when I know all I'd need to do is side with them, it's tempting.
But ultimately, it's not who I am. Even tho I sometimes can lose a bit of faith, I do believe that I don't have to choose some people over other people, I can choose everyone. I can choose to like, or love everyone, I can choose to refuse to give up on anyone, I can keep remembering that it's only stuff that keeps us apart.
Of course, it's not always simple. In fact, loving people whilst at times is the easiest thing ever, is sometimes the most excruciatingly frustratingly almost impossible thing in the world. Balancing on a fence can be precarious and sometimes my own stuff pulls me down on one side or another. But I usually manage to get back up there again.
I was struck yesterday by remembering some people I've loved who I'm no longer in touch with - partly because other people didn't want me to be their friend anymore. It feels as if perhaps I did get drawn into side taking. And as a result lost out. I don't want that to happen again so now I've identified it, want to look at what went on before, see if I can ensure it doesn't happen again. Something juicy to look at in my next counselling call. I'm looking forward to there being a week when I don't have something to work on :D
Today tho is for relaxing after such a full on few days. Mmmm, cake :-)