Again, I know I've blogged about this before. This is my space, along with the conversations I have with people, where I get to refine my thoughts and so get a clearer perspective on how I want to live my life. So it's kind of old ground, but important for me to keep working on it :) Feel free to skip on to some cute cats elsewhere on the interweb if you prefer :)
There's a parable that has never sat easily with me but at the same time inspires and challenges me. I may have got the conventional theology of it wrong, but this is how I read it (and that's one of the things about theology, we have our own agendas to begin with and find stuff that confirms it. So you may have an entirely different reading, but this is how it speaks to me. Comments below always welcome!!)
Parable of the Laborers in the Vineyard (Matthew 20:1-16)
In this story, the workers get paid just as much even if they've only worked the last hour as those who started at daybreak. I think God's love/grace is like that, She loves us all loads and equally - those that go to church daily and those that say an odd prayer. Those that do The Right Thing all the time, and those that are permanently mucking it up and maybe (shock, horror) not even noticing! I think it's a real toughy cos we're definitely in a culture of feeling some are more deserving than others. Now, of course, I'm not God, but I do want to try to love people like I think God would. This can be quite a radical concept, and is what I admire about what I read about Jesus. So the challenge I'm given is to love equally passionately the person who made me a tray of chocolate brownies and the person who damaged my car wing mirror. That the love I have for others isn't something earned by people being nice to me, or time served, but is as unconditional as I can humanly make it. I don't claim to always manage it but I think aiming to do this is ace ;) And I know some people imprint way more deeply than others, it's not like I'd miss some folk as much as I miss others, but can you imagine what the world would be like if this was the normal, rather than radical, way of loving people?
Since I'm not God, I don't have infinite time so I do make my choices as to who I pay attention to, as I've said before. I try to make sure that this is as many people I come across as possible, and not just those I've already chosen because they seem easy to love :) I'd be deluded if I actually thought I loved the unknown child scrambling over my wall on a shortcut home from school, as much as I loved a child I'd pushed out from my own body. But I think it's a great principle, what if that kid WAS one of my own, how would I react, is it possible to show as much love and concern to them as I would my own offspring? If we don't love one another that well, it can go wrong. When we start to think that we should love or relate to some folk more than others, that's where preferential treatment can set in. When there's the view we don't have to care so much about one person or group of people, cos they're not the same family/nationality/skin colour/educational background/size, (you name an identity it could be slotted here) because somehow in our minds we've figured they're not quite as deserving as "people like me."
And so, far fetched as it may sound, loving everyone is how I want to live. If, as I believe, love is a decision we make and constantly remake, it's possible to keep trying to love people. The people who get up our noses, the people we feel at our most comfortable with, AND the people who we've just met (and so convention says we've no reason to love). Does that mean I love my family or oldest friends any less, cos I'm loving other people too? I don't think so, I don't hold to a finite view of love. My experience is the more I love, the more love I have. How fabulous is that :D
I'm not on my own. Just seen this. Stick with it :) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itvnQ2QB4yc
Tuesday, 30 September 2014
Monday, 29 September 2014
chipotle
I like chipotle a lottle. Maybe I like the word more than I like the taste, but anyways I was excited to find some chipotle flavoured coleslaw and it certainly helped me enjoy my tea last night. Maybe I like spice more than I think? I also love cinnamon and am surprised that a search in my blog says I've never used the word before. Cinnamon was also my peace dancing name at uni. I was reminded yesterday about my love of peace dancing arnd realised it's 11 years since I've done any. Maybe that's why there's so much warring going on (my fault, obvs).
Until I've had my counselling call, my main concern is how I am going to phone up a solicitor which isn't my own to state clearly what I want them to do (stop contacting my solicitor). My solicitor has a minimum charge of a tenth of an hour, which at £220 an hour, plus 20% VAT means it costs me a day's wage (at my part time hourly rate) for her to just open an unsolicited letter. Who'd have thought communication could be so costly...
Part of my counselling session was on how I struggle when I think I've caused harm, cos that "do no harm" rule seems so fundamental. This afternoon we discovered that the mice we'd created a "nature area" for have drowned in a bucket we'd let fill with rain water. I feel inordinately sad about it. And also very grateful that my boyfriend was over and dealt with the situation. But I also feel very pleased with how I dealt with the official phonecall, in which I was friendly and polite. Go me :D
Until I've had my counselling call, my main concern is how I am going to phone up a solicitor which isn't my own to state clearly what I want them to do (stop contacting my solicitor). My solicitor has a minimum charge of a tenth of an hour, which at £220 an hour, plus 20% VAT means it costs me a day's wage (at my part time hourly rate) for her to just open an unsolicited letter. Who'd have thought communication could be so costly...
Part of my counselling session was on how I struggle when I think I've caused harm, cos that "do no harm" rule seems so fundamental. This afternoon we discovered that the mice we'd created a "nature area" for have drowned in a bucket we'd let fill with rain water. I feel inordinately sad about it. And also very grateful that my boyfriend was over and dealt with the situation. But I also feel very pleased with how I dealt with the official phonecall, in which I was friendly and polite. Go me :D
Sunday, 28 September 2014
time flies
Is it just me? I sometimes put the kettle on and "a couple of minutes" later go and tip the water on to discover that actually it was more like 45 mins ago and the brew doesn't exactly brew very well. I guess it's a good sign that I enjoy my work if time flies like that! I did some work last night as I've happily been invited to some friends for lunch today :) So I've been feeling a sense of gratitude and independence - one of the upsides of not having the kids all the time is that I can have time to myself. Tho I still cried when I dropped them off on Friday. Not being able to spend enough time with those you love is hard.
Saturday, 27 September 2014
the fence tightrope
I know I've blogged about all this before, so move on now if you don't want to be bored! But it's where I'm at right now.
You know how we all have "stuff" - the things about ourselves we worry about, the old fears that repeat in our heads especially when we're tired and worn down and doubting ourselves. And that stuff can divide us one from another wherever it gets hooked into other people's stuff. I've noticed how things can sometimes get what's termed political when people's stuff puts people off them as it sets something off for them. Associations form, gangs grow, people's behaviour changes as a result of office or family politics. wars start. I sometimes feel a bit of a misfit cos I don't find myself belonging in a gang. At events, or just on the school playground, I don't tend to be aligned with one group of people over another, I chat to a stranger as much as someone I've known ages. I have a strong dislike of side taking and whilst might be seen by some as maybe cowardly for my fence sitting, I prefer to think that I try and see the best in everyone. So when someone is sharing with me how hard they find someone else's behaviour, I can empathise as to how tricky that feels, but I don't tend to concur that I feel the same even though sometimes I know that's what the person would like. Sometimes that can feel a little isolating as I'm not in a tribe. Sometimes it's uncomfortable - the people pleaser in me wants people to like me and when I know all I'd need to do is side with them, it's tempting.
But ultimately, it's not who I am. Even tho I sometimes can lose a bit of faith, I do believe that I don't have to choose some people over other people, I can choose everyone. I can choose to like, or love everyone, I can choose to refuse to give up on anyone, I can keep remembering that it's only stuff that keeps us apart.
Of course, it's not always simple. In fact, loving people whilst at times is the easiest thing ever, is sometimes the most excruciatingly frustratingly almost impossible thing in the world. Balancing on a fence can be precarious and sometimes my own stuff pulls me down on one side or another. But I usually manage to get back up there again.
I was struck yesterday by remembering some people I've loved who I'm no longer in touch with - partly because other people didn't want me to be their friend anymore. It feels as if perhaps I did get drawn into side taking. And as a result lost out. I don't want that to happen again so now I've identified it, want to look at what went on before, see if I can ensure it doesn't happen again. Something juicy to look at in my next counselling call. I'm looking forward to there being a week when I don't have something to work on :D
Today tho is for relaxing after such a full on few days. Mmmm, cake :-)
You know how we all have "stuff" - the things about ourselves we worry about, the old fears that repeat in our heads especially when we're tired and worn down and doubting ourselves. And that stuff can divide us one from another wherever it gets hooked into other people's stuff. I've noticed how things can sometimes get what's termed political when people's stuff puts people off them as it sets something off for them. Associations form, gangs grow, people's behaviour changes as a result of office or family politics. wars start. I sometimes feel a bit of a misfit cos I don't find myself belonging in a gang. At events, or just on the school playground, I don't tend to be aligned with one group of people over another, I chat to a stranger as much as someone I've known ages. I have a strong dislike of side taking and whilst might be seen by some as maybe cowardly for my fence sitting, I prefer to think that I try and see the best in everyone. So when someone is sharing with me how hard they find someone else's behaviour, I can empathise as to how tricky that feels, but I don't tend to concur that I feel the same even though sometimes I know that's what the person would like. Sometimes that can feel a little isolating as I'm not in a tribe. Sometimes it's uncomfortable - the people pleaser in me wants people to like me and when I know all I'd need to do is side with them, it's tempting.
But ultimately, it's not who I am. Even tho I sometimes can lose a bit of faith, I do believe that I don't have to choose some people over other people, I can choose everyone. I can choose to like, or love everyone, I can choose to refuse to give up on anyone, I can keep remembering that it's only stuff that keeps us apart.
Of course, it's not always simple. In fact, loving people whilst at times is the easiest thing ever, is sometimes the most excruciatingly frustratingly almost impossible thing in the world. Balancing on a fence can be precarious and sometimes my own stuff pulls me down on one side or another. But I usually manage to get back up there again.
I was struck yesterday by remembering some people I've loved who I'm no longer in touch with - partly because other people didn't want me to be their friend anymore. It feels as if perhaps I did get drawn into side taking. And as a result lost out. I don't want that to happen again so now I've identified it, want to look at what went on before, see if I can ensure it doesn't happen again. Something juicy to look at in my next counselling call. I'm looking forward to there being a week when I don't have something to work on :D
Today tho is for relaxing after such a full on few days. Mmmm, cake :-)
Friday, 26 September 2014
please can I have my ball back?
Somewhat embarrasingly, the moment I arrived on the field and threw the first ball for the dog, it disappeared over a hedge next to me rather than into the middle of the field as I intended. And so later I had to knock on doors asking to check gardens. I didn't find it. (I should point out it's a special ball. He eats tennis balls in moments so I've purchased indestructable ones off the internet. Of course, he might not destroy them, but his hapless owner, that's another matter entirely.)
There are a few gendered phrases I detest, one being 'throwing like a girl' (another is big girls blouse) cos I know plenty of females who throw really well. I don't - there's plenty of other things I can do brilliantly, throwing isn't one of them. I guess I dislike the way women and girls are put down cos of something, like throwing, or driving, or science, because some men think they can do it better. Some might, some won't. We're all wired differently, having various passions and talents; we're all given different opportunities and encouragements.
Tonight's choir may only have women, as men have been invited to a specific event just for them. I understand that there can sometimes be a place for people sharing an identity to meet independently, but it's not my thing and if no men sing tonight we will feel their absence. Before then tho, metaphorical juggling, which I'm much better at than throwing!!
... I've worked so hard these last couple of days. Thankfully tomorrow has restoration planned :-)
There are a few gendered phrases I detest, one being 'throwing like a girl' (another is big girls blouse) cos I know plenty of females who throw really well. I don't - there's plenty of other things I can do brilliantly, throwing isn't one of them. I guess I dislike the way women and girls are put down cos of something, like throwing, or driving, or science, because some men think they can do it better. Some might, some won't. We're all wired differently, having various passions and talents; we're all given different opportunities and encouragements.
Tonight's choir may only have women, as men have been invited to a specific event just for them. I understand that there can sometimes be a place for people sharing an identity to meet independently, but it's not my thing and if no men sing tonight we will feel their absence. Before then tho, metaphorical juggling, which I'm much better at than throwing!!
... I've worked so hard these last couple of days. Thankfully tomorrow has restoration planned :-)
Thursday, 25 September 2014
light!
The cynic in me wonders if some of these may have been photoshopped, but as there is very little cynic in me, I mainly found these beautiful. Hope you have found harmony today. http://www.buzzfeed.com/onaolnetwork/19-oddly-satisfying-photos-youll-want-to-savor#mh4cen
Wednesday, 24 September 2014
love is enough
Twice in the last couple of weeks I've waved my son off on adventures - today with school, last week with cubs. Both times I've had the most amazing goodbye cuddles ever. I spend so much time wondering if I'm doing it ok, this difficult task of parenting, the sometimes impossible task of loving when I'm tired and not at my best, when I'm grumpy and things aren't going Well At All. Then there are moments when I'm able to briefly rest of my laurels and concede I'm doing alright. We love each other and that's enough.
I'm a bit late to this Take That song, but heard it on the radio today and love this:
"This is the life we've been given, so open your heart and start loving, we can make a start if we only learn to listen" A couple of my friends are over in Berlin for a marathon, living life to the full despite facing inoperable cancer. Their hearts are open, with the lives they've been given.
Hope you too can recognise today that you, and your love, are enough :)
I'm a bit late to this Take That song, but heard it on the radio today and love this:
"This is the life we've been given, so open your heart and start loving, we can make a start if we only learn to listen" A couple of my friends are over in Berlin for a marathon, living life to the full despite facing inoperable cancer. Their hearts are open, with the lives they've been given.
Hope you too can recognise today that you, and your love, are enough :)
a place for fear?
I awoke very early, from a nightmare. Thankfully a friend had just rescued me from some impossible stairs. A flexible mesh of metal coiled in a spiral that I was supposed to pull out and step into. Now I wouldn't say I have a fear of heights, but I am scared of falling ;-) Thinking about the dream after, I remembered that the ascent began by driving as I was looking for an elusive parking space, despite it seeming like their were many many possibilities, all had a reason why I couldn't leave my van there. All very meaningful and possibly linked to my last thoughts before bed last night. We'd heard a news piece on the radio about a fire started by someone charging their laptop overnight. We were urged to consider electrical safety and I'd gone around the house checking sockets, and unplugged the landline as that does get hot. When electricity was first introduced domestically, many were wary. Today we take it for granted. I know I bang on about choosing love not fear, and I refuse to live a life cowering under what ifs. But I also recognize there is a place for noticing threats and keeping ourselves safe. Acting on fear can be very wise but I guess my main motivation I choose is love.
Fittingly my friend shared this today:
"'It's impossible' said pride, 'it's risky' said experience. 'It's pointless' said reason. 'Give it a try' whispered the heart."
Fittingly my friend shared this today:
"'It's impossible' said pride, 'it's risky' said experience. 'It's pointless' said reason. 'Give it a try' whispered the heart."
Tuesday, 23 September 2014
hedgerow
We had a set of jigsaws when I was growing up, that depicted a bit of countryside in each season. My favourite was the autumn one, for as you know I love things autumnal. As well as the blackberries, and turning leaves in the hedgerow, there were stalks of wheat and a cute fieldmouse. Yesterday Tommy returned, under the guise of doing two "short" days but I think really just cos there was way more to do than could be attempted in one day. he's lovely. He tackled more of the garden and left a pile of stuff for hedgehogs to inhabit. I got to see a family of mice that live in my garden. They are indeed cute. And just a little bit scary somehow. Having a wild patch was all well in theory, but in practice it's all a bit, well, wild, and involves animals that to be honest I'd rather just look at on the box of jigsaws.
Two friends yesterday independently suggested maybe I was looking too far forward and not allowing myself to feel the sadness in the here and now, and one suggested I treated myself. And so last night I got out my jigsaw. Not the one of the creatures, I think that's no longer in the family. But the one with all the lovely autumn trees. My girly insisted we put the heating on (she thinks the hamsters are showing signs of preparing to hibernate. blooming rodents.) And I lit some candles and read more of my latest book, set in a monastery. I do feel less hopeless today so maybe it's worked.
Hope you too get to do spirit-raising activities today. Much love people. xx
Two friends yesterday independently suggested maybe I was looking too far forward and not allowing myself to feel the sadness in the here and now, and one suggested I treated myself. And so last night I got out my jigsaw. Not the one of the creatures, I think that's no longer in the family. But the one with all the lovely autumn trees. My girly insisted we put the heating on (she thinks the hamsters are showing signs of preparing to hibernate. blooming rodents.) And I lit some candles and read more of my latest book, set in a monastery. I do feel less hopeless today so maybe it's worked.
Hope you too get to do spirit-raising activities today. Much love people. xx
Monday, 22 September 2014
shower gel
Shower gel is a great present. My boyfriend's mum gave me a couple of lovely bottles for Christmas, and so I think of her and give thanks every morning. We recently gave a toilet brush for a present and it makes me smile to think of that. And yet present giving is also fab when it doesn't mean the person gets to tthink of you. Most wedding presents I can't remember who gave them, but one couple gave us some tokens towards our first year's TV licence. Unlike something we would then use and think of them each time (do I really want to be thought of each time the toilet is scrubbed. Apparently I do!) I still give thanks for Katy and Matt now as it felt like a selfless gift - the best kind :)
19 years have passed (which is partly why I've been sad this weekend, hopefully once tomorrow's anniversary is over I'll pick up again) and it's interesting which gift givers I remember (that's about it). I'm not a present giver really - my boyfriend's birthday is also tomorrow and I've not got him a gift (he didn't get one for mine either so it's ok, we're just not those kind of people). But I have altered our eve plans so we can celebrate together. Presence not presents, that's what does it for me.
Off to a funeral shortly. I'm hoping this is the last for a good while. But first a meeting at school where refreshments have been promised - do you think my hopes are too high for coffee and croissants? ;)
Well, I got a coffee :) And funerals are sad. I needed to get back so didn't take up our minister's suggestion of going back to chat with other friends and family about our memories of Alice. She is the only person who has ever heckled me during prayers. She was a strong minded woman :D Another thing that stayed with me was her belief that churches needed to pay heed to the stresses on families, and not drag people out to lots of meetings.
It seems to have mainly been Sad September. I think I'll start planning for an Outrageous October!
19 years have passed (which is partly why I've been sad this weekend, hopefully once tomorrow's anniversary is over I'll pick up again) and it's interesting which gift givers I remember (that's about it). I'm not a present giver really - my boyfriend's birthday is also tomorrow and I've not got him a gift (he didn't get one for mine either so it's ok, we're just not those kind of people). But I have altered our eve plans so we can celebrate together. Presence not presents, that's what does it for me.
Off to a funeral shortly. I'm hoping this is the last for a good while. But first a meeting at school where refreshments have been promised - do you think my hopes are too high for coffee and croissants? ;)
Well, I got a coffee :) And funerals are sad. I needed to get back so didn't take up our minister's suggestion of going back to chat with other friends and family about our memories of Alice. She is the only person who has ever heckled me during prayers. She was a strong minded woman :D Another thing that stayed with me was her belief that churches needed to pay heed to the stresses on families, and not drag people out to lots of meetings.
It seems to have mainly been Sad September. I think I'll start planning for an Outrageous October!
Sunday, 21 September 2014
let the sunshine in
Yesterday was plain awful. But I'm reliably informed that if I pick up my chin and grin that the sun will come out tomorrow. It seems to already be out today so hopefully I won't have to wait.
...
It's been less lonely today - my boyfriend realised that must be part of the problem so kindly came over for the afternoon. And this evening's service was good, and good job I went as me and the kids were the only ones to be able to affirm that yes we knew Mumford's songs :)
...
It's been less lonely today - my boyfriend realised that must be part of the problem so kindly came over for the afternoon. And this evening's service was good, and good job I went as me and the kids were the only ones to be able to affirm that yes we knew Mumford's songs :)
Saturday, 20 September 2014
crumbs!
A funny moment for me this week was when waiting for an event to get started. We'd done the briefest of introductions as I'd not met any of the people before. I could sense frustration in the room so said well who wants a shoulder massage whilst we're waiting? The woman next to me leapt at the chance. I had explained I'm not trained or anything and it was only a few seconds in that I realized that as a physiotherapist, she was indeed trained in what I was offering her. This both amused and worried me, but she was very appreciative of my novice efforts. I've often found that enthusiasm can carry me to places even if my skill level doesn't match, I'm sure it's what got me through my French oral exams.
I like to be appreciated and the physio was delighted by my attempt, so I'm pleased that I didn't let that feeling of her being so much better at it stop me in my tracks. I think we sometimes hold back, worried that our meagre offerings don't compare. And they don't compare, cos I'm not comparing!!
I was reminded of this again last night when a woman who came to messy church for the first time said she knew me from a course where I'd taken her some beetroot soup as she kept coming each week without lunch as she dashed straight from work. I'd totally forgotten this which is good, I don't want to be keeping a tally of acts of kindness, but she clearly remembered and I know the kindness shown to me by others does matter muchly. I was pleased to be reminded cos I know I'm not a great chef. What I do have, like in the example from this week too, is an awareness of what might be welcomed in a situation, and a willingness to fill that need despite not being especially good at it. People don't need perfection, we just need each other with our humble offerings of care.
So today I will try not to be cross with myself for my far from perfect parenting. I've been feeling frustrated that I don't have more than just brief time with those I love. I do today however get a whole day with my kids where we have no deadlines and that is a good thing. We need to get the pool down, and then of course other things have to happen too - clothes still need to be washed, we have no bread in, etc. But hopefully there mainly will be chilling.
I like to be appreciated and the physio was delighted by my attempt, so I'm pleased that I didn't let that feeling of her being so much better at it stop me in my tracks. I think we sometimes hold back, worried that our meagre offerings don't compare. And they don't compare, cos I'm not comparing!!
I was reminded of this again last night when a woman who came to messy church for the first time said she knew me from a course where I'd taken her some beetroot soup as she kept coming each week without lunch as she dashed straight from work. I'd totally forgotten this which is good, I don't want to be keeping a tally of acts of kindness, but she clearly remembered and I know the kindness shown to me by others does matter muchly. I was pleased to be reminded cos I know I'm not a great chef. What I do have, like in the example from this week too, is an awareness of what might be welcomed in a situation, and a willingness to fill that need despite not being especially good at it. People don't need perfection, we just need each other with our humble offerings of care.
So today I will try not to be cross with myself for my far from perfect parenting. I've been feeling frustrated that I don't have more than just brief time with those I love. I do today however get a whole day with my kids where we have no deadlines and that is a good thing. We need to get the pool down, and then of course other things have to happen too - clothes still need to be washed, we have no bread in, etc. But hopefully there mainly will be chilling.
Friday, 19 September 2014
a story of my life (as told through the medium of bread)
I read an ace account of my friend's life revolving around 10 significant sandwiches. Food is a great peg on which to hang a story of our life, so I thought I'd give it a go myself. Fresh bread is probably my favourite foodstuff, so rather than go for the butty per se, I might cheat a bit (I only got 5 when I restricted myself to sarnies).
1. I had relegated this memory to a dusty corner of my brain so was very pleased to recall this. As a young child when visiting my grandma, we'd beg her to make us jam butties. She used to work at the Mother's Pride factory (I went there on a brownie trip once and got a free loaf of bread) so the bread was always white and thin and had a layer of butter as thick as the jam. I am soooo pleased to resurrect this memory.
2. Still on the white bread, and before becoming veggie, my fave sandwich as a child was probably wafer thin ham. Tho as a Stokie, bread wasn't always my choice of accompanying carb - with a cooked breakfast for example, it would be a Staffordshire Oatcake (dipped in runny egg) or for lunch or a snack filled with melted cheese.
3. Dad's picnics. My Dad caters for a small army whenever he packs up a picnic. His rolls always taste way nicer than any I make myself. I think it's cos he adds pepper and salt to the sliced tomatoes. These have to be freshly made tho cos soggy tomatoes on a butty is disgusting. And they lose something when wrapped in clingfilm (he wraps every one individually. Thorough, my Dad. I don't take after him in this respect.
4. At Uni, every wednesday we'd have a "hunger lunch" and on a rota, some of us would buy fresh bread, and cheese to share at the chaplaincy. It was the lunch I ate most of all week so "hunger lunch" belies its end result, but we raised money for Christian Aid and caught up with one another. I wanted us to have just bread and cheese at our wedding reception, but it was pointed out that some people would have travelled a long way and been disappointed. Weddings, compromise city :)
5. The best bread I have ever tasted was some stunning homemade stuff I couldn't get enough of, during a week's retreat on the island of Iona with my chaplaincy friends. With homemade soup that had cheese grated into it, a meal doesn't get more heavenly than that.
6. (Warning for the theologically faint-hearted, best skip this one.) Bread is massively symbolic in Christianity and I have been part of some ace communions. My most memorable are those taken in the round - at St Mary's Southampton, when someone saying my name at the same time as offering the bread was just brilliant. The called to serve leaving communion was great. Before my church offered communion direct to kids as standard, I'd share my piece with my children. Every greenbelt communion has been awesome. And there have been times when I've celebrated unofficial communion with unblessed-by-priests bread. fab.
7. My first proper job meant I felt I had a disposable income for the first time in my life, and so I would often treat myself to a bought rather than homemade packed lunch. A bonus to this was it supported the community cafe where I worked too. They'd make up my butty there and then and my favourite filling was egg mayo with shredded lettuce.
8. French baguette. Eaten in France. I don't know how they do it, but it always tastes so much nicer in France. I was last there two and a half years ago and a woman came round in a bread van and peeped her horn outside the cottage and we had to dash outside and order our daily bread in our best French (not hard really, une bagette).
9. My parents use their toastie maker so much they took it with them on their week's holiday rather than go without. I also own a toastie maker. I barely use it. But when we go to my parents we often have several. Is it cos someone else is making it (and more importantly cleaning it after)?? Or is it that it's a superior model. I like toasties. Cheese and mushroom or cheese and tomato. With a bit of side salad and coleslaw and I'm a very happy bunny indeed.
10. Nowadays I take sandwiches for lunch at work most days but they don't inspire me at all. Will think what to do about that. The days I work from home I often have toast, I put a couple of pieces in the toaster with the intention of having marmite or something on them then gobble them up with just melted butter before getting anything on them. So then I have another proper couple of pieces :) Today I'm taking soup to share with a friend on the way home. Writing this made me hungry!!!!!!
1. I had relegated this memory to a dusty corner of my brain so was very pleased to recall this. As a young child when visiting my grandma, we'd beg her to make us jam butties. She used to work at the Mother's Pride factory (I went there on a brownie trip once and got a free loaf of bread) so the bread was always white and thin and had a layer of butter as thick as the jam. I am soooo pleased to resurrect this memory.
2. Still on the white bread, and before becoming veggie, my fave sandwich as a child was probably wafer thin ham. Tho as a Stokie, bread wasn't always my choice of accompanying carb - with a cooked breakfast for example, it would be a Staffordshire Oatcake (dipped in runny egg) or for lunch or a snack filled with melted cheese.
3. Dad's picnics. My Dad caters for a small army whenever he packs up a picnic. His rolls always taste way nicer than any I make myself. I think it's cos he adds pepper and salt to the sliced tomatoes. These have to be freshly made tho cos soggy tomatoes on a butty is disgusting. And they lose something when wrapped in clingfilm (he wraps every one individually. Thorough, my Dad. I don't take after him in this respect.
4. At Uni, every wednesday we'd have a "hunger lunch" and on a rota, some of us would buy fresh bread, and cheese to share at the chaplaincy. It was the lunch I ate most of all week so "hunger lunch" belies its end result, but we raised money for Christian Aid and caught up with one another. I wanted us to have just bread and cheese at our wedding reception, but it was pointed out that some people would have travelled a long way and been disappointed. Weddings, compromise city :)
5. The best bread I have ever tasted was some stunning homemade stuff I couldn't get enough of, during a week's retreat on the island of Iona with my chaplaincy friends. With homemade soup that had cheese grated into it, a meal doesn't get more heavenly than that.
6. (Warning for the theologically faint-hearted, best skip this one.) Bread is massively symbolic in Christianity and I have been part of some ace communions. My most memorable are those taken in the round - at St Mary's Southampton, when someone saying my name at the same time as offering the bread was just brilliant. The called to serve leaving communion was great. Before my church offered communion direct to kids as standard, I'd share my piece with my children. Every greenbelt communion has been awesome. And there have been times when I've celebrated unofficial communion with unblessed-by-priests bread. fab.
7. My first proper job meant I felt I had a disposable income for the first time in my life, and so I would often treat myself to a bought rather than homemade packed lunch. A bonus to this was it supported the community cafe where I worked too. They'd make up my butty there and then and my favourite filling was egg mayo with shredded lettuce.
8. French baguette. Eaten in France. I don't know how they do it, but it always tastes so much nicer in France. I was last there two and a half years ago and a woman came round in a bread van and peeped her horn outside the cottage and we had to dash outside and order our daily bread in our best French (not hard really, une bagette).
9. My parents use their toastie maker so much they took it with them on their week's holiday rather than go without. I also own a toastie maker. I barely use it. But when we go to my parents we often have several. Is it cos someone else is making it (and more importantly cleaning it after)?? Or is it that it's a superior model. I like toasties. Cheese and mushroom or cheese and tomato. With a bit of side salad and coleslaw and I'm a very happy bunny indeed.
10. Nowadays I take sandwiches for lunch at work most days but they don't inspire me at all. Will think what to do about that. The days I work from home I often have toast, I put a couple of pieces in the toaster with the intention of having marmite or something on them then gobble them up with just melted butter before getting anything on them. So then I have another proper couple of pieces :) Today I'm taking soup to share with a friend on the way home. Writing this made me hungry!!!!!!
Thursday, 18 September 2014
when the battle is over
At choir last night we practised a song we've not sung in a while so I searched for it this morning. Unbenownst to me, the title matches that of a popular scottish tune, so the first attempt brought bagpipes. Fitting for a day on which those living in Scotland are at the polls considering independence. Right now the battle, for or against (and I have friends with passionately held views on both sides), is over and the counting happening. To be totally honest, I feel I have so much going on right here right now that it's not something I've given much time or concern to. I hope whatever happens people are able to move forwards.
There are plenty of things here I still need to sort, an expensive decision I have no idea about so am putting off til I get some space to talk it through. Tommy has done a fantastic job in the garden today - I'm kicking myself for not taking before and after photos. I'm still not 100% so this is a short blog to tide us over til tomorrow at some point - I've got a long one started for tomorrow but it needs 2 more elements. Once I've worked out those, you can feast on that (don't hold your breath, tomorrow is busy too, remember!!)
There are plenty of things here I still need to sort, an expensive decision I have no idea about so am putting off til I get some space to talk it through. Tommy has done a fantastic job in the garden today - I'm kicking myself for not taking before and after photos. I'm still not 100% so this is a short blog to tide us over til tomorrow at some point - I've got a long one started for tomorrow but it needs 2 more elements. Once I've worked out those, you can feast on that (don't hold your breath, tomorrow is busy too, remember!!)
forgiveness
Forgiveness being the church reading theme on sunday, has been floating around a lot this week. It doesn't feel personally massively relevant for any particular reason right now, but I came across this and think it's very powerful:
Frederick Buechner
To forgive somebody is to say one way or another, "You have done something unspeakable, and by all rights I should call it quits between us. Both my pride and my principles demand no less. However, although I make no guarantees that I will be able to forget what you've done, and though we may both carry the scars for life, I refuse to let it stand between us. I still want you for my friend."
To accept forgiveness means to admit that you've done something unspeakable that needs to be forgiven, and thus both parties must swallow the same thing: their pride.
This seems to explain what Jesus means when he says to God, "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." Jesus is not saying that God's forgiveness is conditional upon our forgiving others. In the first place, forgiveness that's conditional isn't really forgiveness at all, just fair warning; and in the second place, our unforgivingness is among those things about us that we need to have God forgive us most. What Jesus apparently is saying is that the pride that keeps us from forgiving is the same pride that keeps us from accepting forgiveness, and will God please help us do something about it.
When somebody you've wronged forgives you, you're spared the dull and self-diminishing throb of a guilty conscience.
When you forgive somebody who has wronged you, you're spared the dismal corrosion of bitterness and wounded pride.
For both parties, forgiveness means the freedom again to be at peace inside their own skins and to be glad in each other's presence.
~originally published in Wishful Thinking and later in Beyond Words
I seem to have a large amount to pack into today, I'm hoping things are not too busy at each of the events. Today I'm feeling dizzy tho so will not be dashing between. Friday's looking a bit full on too. But Saturday, Saturday is currently looking like a time to rest, hurrah!
Tablets have kept the dizziness at bay so that's good!
I seem to have a large amount to pack into today, I'm hoping things are not too busy at each of the events. Today I'm feeling dizzy tho so will not be dashing between. Friday's looking a bit full on too. But Saturday, Saturday is currently looking like a time to rest, hurrah!
Tablets have kept the dizziness at bay so that's good!
Wednesday, 17 September 2014
my most overused phrases
As I mentioned the other day, I watched Dr Who, and someone (maybe the man himself) uttered "my" words by declaring "it's not a competition!" I'm trying to use it less really, as just cos that's how I see the world doesn't mean I should insist others do.
I also catch myself saying "Everyone's a winner". Am I just a walking bundle of contradictions? Surely if there's no competition occuring then how can anyone win? Stepping aside from the fact that I clearly talk rubbish, the fact I use these two phrases often isn't much of a surprise. The latter is also my way of seeing - encouraging folk to notice that we have achieved a win:win outcome, where everyone is content, something I'm quite a fan of.
I asked my kids seperately and one said the phrase I use most often is "I love you" and the other said "Have I told you lately that I love you". I'm very happy if these are the phrases they most associate with me and shall continue to use them - these cannot be overused :D
If work goes to plan today I'll go to a leaving do at lunchtime. This is the only week of this month that I'm not attending a funeral, but still there is leaving. It's no wonder I'm feeling unsettled at the moment. I know change happens all the time, and I'm really enjoying the shifts into autumn. But there feels like a lot of change afoot right now that may well be part oflife but are still sad.
Today I'll try and hold that balance, noticing the sadness but still making sure I get to tell people I love them B-)
...
It was a lovely, personal leaving do. I had three different types of homemade cake B-)
If work goes to plan today I'll go to a leaving do at lunchtime. This is the only week of this month that I'm not attending a funeral, but still there is leaving. It's no wonder I'm feeling unsettled at the moment. I know change happens all the time, and I'm really enjoying the shifts into autumn. But there feels like a lot of change afoot right now that may well be part oflife but are still sad.
Today I'll try and hold that balance, noticing the sadness but still making sure I get to tell people I love them B-)
...
It was a lovely, personal leaving do. I had three different types of homemade cake B-)
Tuesday, 16 September 2014
horde of hoards
I'm someone who likes to hold onto things "just in case". In some ways this can be seen as a good thing - I see potential in items when others would just chuck them out (that is not just a metaphor). By the time I get rid of something, usually no-one else would want it as I've repaired it umpteen times, or it's worn out beyond salvaging. The less positive side of this is that I keep things when actually I no longer need them. In my head I think I may as well have them because at least I might make use of it one day rather than it go to landfill. But actually, some of the stuff in my house _could_ be being used by others instead of sitting purposelessly.
One of my friends helps run the "comfort zone" in Blackpool, such a fab idea, run by and for homeless folk. It occurred to me that instead of storing lots of towels for my potential future use, it is far more ethical to pass them on to people who can make use of them NOW. With this thought in my mind it was much easier to part with things and I now have a bag of 20 towels to take. And if my water tank leaks again, that's 20 towels I won't have to wash. I don't believe God works in that way, nudging me to get rid of things, but I do thing it's a good thing to come out of a bad situation.
I'm a bit sentimental tho. One towel was given by my friend who has just moved to spain, we used it to cover the sharp edges of the desk she gave me so it didn't break my car windscreen on the way home. Another towel was a birthday present from a friend who has also since moved away. So I've kept both of those :)
Giving is good. I shall look for more opportunities to give today. And here's an interesting clip on giving...
http://www.wimp.com/lookedcloser/
One of my friends helps run the "comfort zone" in Blackpool, such a fab idea, run by and for homeless folk. It occurred to me that instead of storing lots of towels for my potential future use, it is far more ethical to pass them on to people who can make use of them NOW. With this thought in my mind it was much easier to part with things and I now have a bag of 20 towels to take. And if my water tank leaks again, that's 20 towels I won't have to wash. I don't believe God works in that way, nudging me to get rid of things, but I do thing it's a good thing to come out of a bad situation.
I'm a bit sentimental tho. One towel was given by my friend who has just moved to spain, we used it to cover the sharp edges of the desk she gave me so it didn't break my car windscreen on the way home. Another towel was a birthday present from a friend who has also since moved away. So I've kept both of those :)
Giving is good. I shall look for more opportunities to give today. And here's an interesting clip on giving...
http://www.wimp.com/lookedcloser/
Monday, 15 September 2014
gardener
Last week I answered the phone and didn't recognise the voice. He explaned he was the guy I'd won in the auction. Clearly this isn't the sort of call I get very often and I have to say it's brought all kind of things up. Now firstly I feel a need to remind you that the word "won" in an auction is, to my mind, a bit misleading. I am paying money for his work (tho he's not getting it himself, he's kindly giving his time for the charity we were supporting). Let me also clarify I'm really looking forwards to meeting such a generous man. But I have noticed some feelings come up about it.
Firstly, I think there's the whole issue of why I bid on him in the first place - the feelings of being overwhelmed by all the stuff that needs doing. There's something about how when I took on these things - a big house, garden, a dog, and 2 children, it was in the context of having someone to manage it all with me. Now my situation has changed, every time something happens, like the plaster in the porch falling off, as it did last week, I struggle with the having to sort it by myself. I know tons of people tho for whom life's situations have varied from the expected. We start a new job and then discover it has more paperwork than we thought, we take on a project and our partner becomes ill, etc etc. So I know I just need to start seeing things a bit differently - one positive is that I get to make all the decisions I guess :)
And then a whole pile of other stuff comes up that thankfully I've had chance to counsel on this morning. Curious stuff really - why would I feel it's fine to pay a window cleaner, but start to get panicky that people will think I'm not deserving of the benefits I receive if I pay a gardener to help me out? I think I'm fearful as to where it could end - who else could I pay to help me - someone to fix that porch? someone to investigate the whole in my lounge floor? someone to come and clean for me, how about someone to come and cook all the meals. There's a ton of stuff about class and gender, and responsibilities and asking for help and the whole earning and spending money issues. No wonder I'm tired just thinking about it. Or maybe hat the bugs I'm fighting off - I spent a bit of the weekend snoozing on the sofa, so that's probably pressed my button about being lazy too, that if I could just do more I wouldn't need to ask anyone to do anything for me...
So, a fab opportunity to explore unresolved stuff - he's arriving shortly for a brew and initial chat (hope he can handle emotional clients). And I have at least realised that I'm hoping for his expertise rather than just his brawn, I don't really want him to just rip up some weeds then go. Maybe he can help me with making the garden less maintenance-heavy for these next few years. That kind of help is the most useful - not just patching things up in the here and now but helping change things for the longer term. Hurrah.
Also, I heard this over the weekend and like it :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-AHG9ag1R0
Need to stay focused on all I have achieved so far today. Including cutting my (getting too spiky) hair. Now wearing a floppy hat to go get food as it's a bit nippy round my ears. What with my curtains-style coat, I looked a bit boho :)
Firstly, I think there's the whole issue of why I bid on him in the first place - the feelings of being overwhelmed by all the stuff that needs doing. There's something about how when I took on these things - a big house, garden, a dog, and 2 children, it was in the context of having someone to manage it all with me. Now my situation has changed, every time something happens, like the plaster in the porch falling off, as it did last week, I struggle with the having to sort it by myself. I know tons of people tho for whom life's situations have varied from the expected. We start a new job and then discover it has more paperwork than we thought, we take on a project and our partner becomes ill, etc etc. So I know I just need to start seeing things a bit differently - one positive is that I get to make all the decisions I guess :)
And then a whole pile of other stuff comes up that thankfully I've had chance to counsel on this morning. Curious stuff really - why would I feel it's fine to pay a window cleaner, but start to get panicky that people will think I'm not deserving of the benefits I receive if I pay a gardener to help me out? I think I'm fearful as to where it could end - who else could I pay to help me - someone to fix that porch? someone to investigate the whole in my lounge floor? someone to come and clean for me, how about someone to come and cook all the meals. There's a ton of stuff about class and gender, and responsibilities and asking for help and the whole earning and spending money issues. No wonder I'm tired just thinking about it. Or maybe hat the bugs I'm fighting off - I spent a bit of the weekend snoozing on the sofa, so that's probably pressed my button about being lazy too, that if I could just do more I wouldn't need to ask anyone to do anything for me...
So, a fab opportunity to explore unresolved stuff - he's arriving shortly for a brew and initial chat (hope he can handle emotional clients). And I have at least realised that I'm hoping for his expertise rather than just his brawn, I don't really want him to just rip up some weeds then go. Maybe he can help me with making the garden less maintenance-heavy for these next few years. That kind of help is the most useful - not just patching things up in the here and now but helping change things for the longer term. Hurrah.Also, I heard this over the weekend and like it :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-AHG9ag1R0
Need to stay focused on all I have achieved so far today. Including cutting my (getting too spiky) hair. Now wearing a floppy hat to go get food as it's a bit nippy round my ears. What with my curtains-style coat, I looked a bit boho :)
Saturday, 13 September 2014
fact/fiction blur
Perhaps it was a mistake to go back to sleep having got up to answer the door this morning. That and then reading a good chunk of my dragon world book, means I've not felt fully on earth today, I've been in another landscape. Then this evening I unusually watched doctor who (I'd better not have nightmares) and fact becomes harder to distinguish from fiction.
I discovered today that the essential item (hosepipe) needed to complete the weekend's main chore (taking down the pool) has been loaned out and cannot be returned til late next week. A good excuse to leave reality behind a bit longer, I suppose, and immerse myself in my book once more.
I discovered today that the essential item (hosepipe) needed to complete the weekend's main chore (taking down the pool) has been loaned out and cannot be returned til late next week. A good excuse to leave reality behind a bit longer, I suppose, and immerse myself in my book once more.
Friday, 12 September 2014
the whole of the moon
Twice this week now I've finally been able to walk the dog upon my return home at 9.30pm, having worked and sorted children and sung. Both times the dog has been desperate to finally get his walk and then bewildered as to why we have stuck to well lit paths and he has stayed on his lead rather than galloping free across the (totally dark) field. Now maybe his eyesight is better than mine; maybe he's not bound in the same way that I am and doesn't let practicalities limit following his desires. Or maybe he has no sense of consequence and for him anyway it would be no big deal to spend hours trying to find him or a ball without a light source. Whatever, I've felt that he has been disappointed, when I have wanted him instead to feel gratitude that despite my wanting to crawl to bed (my head hurts), I've instead gone out of my way to give him (a bit of ) what he wants. I do understand his disappointment and it's not his fault that I can't take him on long long walks every day - part of me would love to be able to do that. And not giving him what he'd like leaves us both unhappy. That mismatch happens frequently I find - I don't know if it's the dissatisfaction we often feel cos we're told to deserve more, that longing that keeps us as ongoing consumers rather than sated. Or maybe we do all deserve more and I just don't have enough of me to give in all my various role juggling (dog owner isn't high up my list really).
Maybe we all have differing perspectives on what we deserve, or on what is enough, or what is normal (as if normal were a good thing, I've never been a fan of normal. Did I tell you I used to wear a badge that said "why be normal." I always wore it upside down).
I heard the waterboys hit "whole of the moon" on the radio today and it reminded me that we all have our different perspectives. I don't think we do get to see the whole of the moon in most people - we just don't fully know what they're going through, so we just get to see a bit. Yet also I think we don't always get to remember the fullness of our own moon. Sometimes our doubt clouds our sense of who we are, our potential, our brilliance. At times like that I find it useful to get a hand from someone lovely who can help remind me of the aspects I've lost sight of. At those times others may have the clearer picture, or help listen to us so we can get back in touch with the fuller sense of who we are. I'm glad of those who help me do this. If you've not got a good supply of people who already do this for you, start training some folk up now to keep reminding you of your shininess. They are ace people to have around :D
Maybe we all have differing perspectives on what we deserve, or on what is enough, or what is normal (as if normal were a good thing, I've never been a fan of normal. Did I tell you I used to wear a badge that said "why be normal." I always wore it upside down).
I heard the waterboys hit "whole of the moon" on the radio today and it reminded me that we all have our different perspectives. I don't think we do get to see the whole of the moon in most people - we just don't fully know what they're going through, so we just get to see a bit. Yet also I think we don't always get to remember the fullness of our own moon. Sometimes our doubt clouds our sense of who we are, our potential, our brilliance. At times like that I find it useful to get a hand from someone lovely who can help remind me of the aspects I've lost sight of. At those times others may have the clearer picture, or help listen to us so we can get back in touch with the fuller sense of who we are. I'm glad of those who help me do this. If you've not got a good supply of people who already do this for you, start training some folk up now to keep reminding you of your shininess. They are ace people to have around :D
Thursday, 11 September 2014
lovely autumn
I know I will have raved before about how I love Autumn, my favourite season. After a morning of struggle, I treated myself to not just one, or even two, but three bunches of dahlias. To my mind, there's something very old fashioned about dahlias, I don't know why I associate them with the 60s but I do, and I love them!!!! A fiver incredibly well spent as I now have 4 vases full and brightening my entire home :D
My boy has now had a year of drumming lessons. Each week I've enjoyed a little bit of time to myself sat outside his lesson. Sometimes working, sometimes doing a rare spot of daytime reading, sometimes catching up with friends by text. Tonight, for the first time I took the dog and thought I'd explore the lane just beyond where I usually park. What a delight!!! I could berate myself for missing out on a whole year of walking, but what would be the point in that? Instead I thoroughly enjoyed the newness and the wilderness and the gorgeous September light. And I saw more blackberries than I ever have before and so when my boy came out of drumming I asked if he wanted to go and pick some.A wonderful counter to such unusual lavish spending on myself earlier, we then harvested some free hedgerow goodies which I'll hopefully convert to a pie tomorrow.
An evening of unexpected joy - I hope you also have found loveliness in amongst whatever your day brought. I have an early start tomorrow - I've remembered that I'm picking up my colleague to take her into work. And so I'm already organised by blogging the night before (shame having breakfast doesn't work the same way...)
deep down
In the middle of the night I was woken abruptly by the hamsters in the next room, though somehow managed to incorporate the noise into my dream. As consciousness seeped in, I was aware that in my dream I knew whatever it is I need to know to make sense of life and feel content. That it was OK and I didn't have to fret. Now, whatever it is, I couldn't fix it in my mind to keep a knowledge of once I was awake. It would be easy to feel a sadness that it had slipped from my grasp, but I don't want to feel that way. Whatever it is, at some level I must know it, even if I can't articulate it. So I'm going to try to hold onto that. I might not have the magic answer if anyone asks me, but can I trust that it is there? Do I need to know what it is to put it into practice? I hope not. I suspect the dream was in response to my going to bed sad and unsettled after a day of feeling lots of change and fears of loss. If the hamsters hadn't disturbed me at that precise moment, I might not have got to realise that I do have a deep inner sense of knowing it's going to be alright even as things on the surface shift. I'm not going to make a fortune writing a book with the answer to life the universe and everything (and the answer surely will differ from person to person). But I am going to keep singing a lot of the fab gospel songs I sang yesterday :)
(and buy myself lots of dahlias)
(and buy myself lots of dahlias)
Wednesday, 10 September 2014
words into actions
Sometimes if we're in a bad place we can read things and take them to heart, imagine someone is having a go, perceive some (intended or not) criticism. I've figured that it only takes a small word change to put a different perspective on a situation. Instead of asking ourselves the accusatory "what is this saying about me?" which can lead to insecurity and defensiveness, what if we ask "what is this saying to me?" which I believe is a far more healthy question that can lead to growth. Words, ideas, opinions can speak to us all the time, encouraging us to ask of ourselves "how do I want to develop from this?" I personally find this much easier when it is a self-motivated action rather than it being a reaction. So if I read an article and think, that's interesting, how could I apply that in some way to my life, I can be uplifted. Far more effective than when being dragged down by the thought that someone thinks we ought to be doing something differently. Linked to this is my belief that other people's words speak of them and their stuff, not about me. But that all words can contain nuggets of wisdom we can choose to think about it we so desire.
Actions speak even louder than words. There's an article I only saw the start of so want to go back and find. It seemed to suggest that dogs respond far better to patting than praise. This fits well with my experience of dogs and humans. I'm off to stroke as many of each as I can :-)
Actions speak even louder than words. There's an article I only saw the start of so want to go back and find. It seemed to suggest that dogs respond far better to patting than praise. This fits well with my experience of dogs and humans. I'm off to stroke as many of each as I can :-)
Tuesday, 9 September 2014
rejoicing in difference
I'm feeling immensely proud of both of my children at the moment for myriad reasons. When I grow up I want to be like them. With less screen time.
"You can strive to be like them but you cannot make them just like you", a line from a Sweet Honey in the Rock song, "on children".
I think this is true not only of how we feel about our offspring, but about all other people we encounter. Some of us are sometimes tempted to wish others were like us, making the same sort of decisions we would, acting the way we think people "ought to". Celebrating our diversity of thoughts beliefs and actions can get hard when we wish people behaved more like we did :) I wonder what the world would look like if instead of merely tolerating the fact that other people are not the same as us, we genuinely rejoiced that others have different priorities, different responses. I know I find it hard to actively delight in this at times (There's part of me that's hard to shift that sense that I know best!!) so will look to see where I find it possible today :D
"You can strive to be like them but you cannot make them just like you", a line from a Sweet Honey in the Rock song, "on children".
I think this is true not only of how we feel about our offspring, but about all other people we encounter. Some of us are sometimes tempted to wish others were like us, making the same sort of decisions we would, acting the way we think people "ought to". Celebrating our diversity of thoughts beliefs and actions can get hard when we wish people behaved more like we did :) I wonder what the world would look like if instead of merely tolerating the fact that other people are not the same as us, we genuinely rejoiced that others have different priorities, different responses. I know I find it hard to actively delight in this at times (There's part of me that's hard to shift that sense that I know best!!) so will look to see where I find it possible today :D
Monday, 8 September 2014
maximum 5 sheets
I'm not working at full capacity this afternoon - good job I only have a short work to-do list. Some days I feel I'm great value for money, really on the ball so efficient, but also lots of heart so full of compassion. Other days there will be things going on that are pre-occupying me, as happens with us all, and we just are not quite as dynamic/responsive. I'm sure it all balances out in the long run.
My shredder is sharing my attitude. It states a 5 page maximum, but after considerable time spent trying to unblock it, after systematically lowering my expectations,I've figured the best bet is just the one sheet at a time. It also tells me that it will only work for 2 continuous minutes then takes an automatic 15 minute cut out so as not to overdo itself. I'm liking that ratio (tho not as someone who has a lot of stuff to shred).
I sat outside for today's funeral. Not because I was late, but because it made more sense for the family to be inside, and some of us church family sat outside listening and joining in via the loudspeaker. It was lovely to see just how well loved she was. The last funeral I was at last week, I went to stand by a woman who stood alone at the back without a seat, as I explained to her no-one should have to be on their own at a funeral. It was an act of solidarity that seemed very fitting for the man's funeral. Today I got to sit in the sunshine, surrounded by both shrubs and some of my lovely church family and that too felt incredibly apt. Today we got to remember a woman who was big on family and great at showing a very practical kindness to people, letting them know that they were remembered. She would often ask me to take flowers after church to someone who needed to know that they were being thought of. It's a ministry that I think is so important - the noticing that someone needs remembering, and then showing them that they are significant. I'm glad she has inspired us to do likewise :D
My shredder is sharing my attitude. It states a 5 page maximum, but after considerable time spent trying to unblock it, after systematically lowering my expectations,I've figured the best bet is just the one sheet at a time. It also tells me that it will only work for 2 continuous minutes then takes an automatic 15 minute cut out so as not to overdo itself. I'm liking that ratio (tho not as someone who has a lot of stuff to shred).
I sat outside for today's funeral. Not because I was late, but because it made more sense for the family to be inside, and some of us church family sat outside listening and joining in via the loudspeaker. It was lovely to see just how well loved she was. The last funeral I was at last week, I went to stand by a woman who stood alone at the back without a seat, as I explained to her no-one should have to be on their own at a funeral. It was an act of solidarity that seemed very fitting for the man's funeral. Today I got to sit in the sunshine, surrounded by both shrubs and some of my lovely church family and that too felt incredibly apt. Today we got to remember a woman who was big on family and great at showing a very practical kindness to people, letting them know that they were remembered. She would often ask me to take flowers after church to someone who needed to know that they were being thought of. It's a ministry that I think is so important - the noticing that someone needs remembering, and then showing them that they are significant. I'm glad she has inspired us to do likewise :D
Sunday, 7 September 2014
september sun
Maybe it's the sunshine but I finally, on the last day of my (broken into several pieces) holiday, found some energy to do some much needed tasks. OK, so the tent still isn't folded away yet, but I have managed to move some stuff from my bedroom floor so you can nearly see carpet now. And we have finally gotten round to some apple harvesting - for the first year it wasn't me shimming up the tree, my girly went up (for money. I suspect this may be the way forward if I'm to get on top of the too-many-tasks-for-one-person situation). Yet another death announced at church. Still some back to school stuff that's not been quite sorted. But a day where some progress has been made. Hurrah for september sun.
...
So many likes to my fb post, that I gave some apples to a neighbour who then returned in the evening with an apple crumble for me :)
...
So many likes to my fb post, that I gave some apples to a neighbour who then returned in the evening with an apple crumble for me :)
Saturday, 6 September 2014
insuring against the unknown
This morning I had an appointment for a health questionnaire before I can take out some kind of insurance to go alongside the new mortgage that will hopefully be in place soon. At some deep level I'm in agreement of what I understand to be the earliest forms of insurance. A community coming together to pay into a pot so those affected by something then has the means to be supported. However, it feels like somewhere along the profit making way, it's turned into something removed from that./ So I'm encouraged to pay monthly for a whole host of insurances based on a fear of the what ifs of the future.
I don't know what's going to happen and right now I don't want to spend time worrying about it, anways, I answered all the questions and will pay up the extra just cos I didn't get my act together and do this 4 days ago when it would have been cheaper, pre-birthday.
Last night was a better example of a community coming together to help provide for the unseeable. We raised £2000 in an auction of promises - I've not been to an event like that before and it was a joy to be part of. There was laughter and lots of goodwill, and I now have someone coming to help me make a bit of an inroad into my garden, which is good, as it's on the long mental list of things I'm not managing very well. And I did find a friend willing to trade my troubles for a banana juice :)
I was going to do a bit of work today to compensate for the fact that I'm going to another funeral on monday. But actually I need to do something uplifting today and away from here. Hopefully will find something and will share pics later :)
I don't know what's going to happen and right now I don't want to spend time worrying about it, anways, I answered all the questions and will pay up the extra just cos I didn't get my act together and do this 4 days ago when it would have been cheaper, pre-birthday.
Last night was a better example of a community coming together to help provide for the unseeable. We raised £2000 in an auction of promises - I've not been to an event like that before and it was a joy to be part of. There was laughter and lots of goodwill, and I now have someone coming to help me make a bit of an inroad into my garden, which is good, as it's on the long mental list of things I'm not managing very well. And I did find a friend willing to trade my troubles for a banana juice :)
I was going to do a bit of work today to compensate for the fact that I'm going to another funeral on monday. But actually I need to do something uplifting today and away from here. Hopefully will find something and will share pics later :)
Friday, 5 September 2014
non violent communication
http://www.upworthy.com/its-probably-one-of-the-best-reactions-you-can-give-to-someone-who-doesnt-like-you?c=ufb2
It was good to watch this late last night. After a day with lots of opportunities to practice, this is a good reminder of how I'd like to respond to conflict. Conflict with strangers with a grudge, and conflict when people who really like you act like they don't like you at all. I particularly admire the guy's response when called names, being got at for being American. Rather than get defensive he uncovered more of the hurt and made sure it was heard. It really is that simple and that difficult.
I'm lucky enough to know a fair few people who teach and practice non violent communication. So as much as I am able, when people bring their outrage to me I try to understand it. That is way easier said than done tho. Our own hurts, disappointments and doubts can't half get in the way. Of course the loving thing to do is not take it personally and stay focussed on the person who is trying to share of themselves with you. Every time I manage that even a little bit I need to celebrate. It can be blooming hard tho, cos we are all interrelated and other people's shouting, and usually the things they are shouting about, can impact upon us. I definitely want to model myself on those with such big hearts that they can stay in and respond compassionately, who instead of hearing "you're not wanted here" (or whatever your own particular button is) actually hear the fear in the other person's shouting and can hold out to them that yes their needs haven't been met and so of course they are not happy. In the example above it was a stranger. I think it's harder still with loved ones as there is history there, and perhaps less holding back?! People do what they need to do - shout, pretend, run away, use stuff to numb out - we all handle our hurts as best we can. Today I shall be holding some of my own up to the light to give them some perspective, maybe give them a gentle stroke, and see if I can then leave them behind in exchange for school shoes at tescos. Those silly strategies are often the best ;)
... Some success at Tesco tho they wouldn't trade in my troubles. Will see if I can leave them at church this evening, hopefully there will be a friend or two willing to help ease them off my shoulders via some tears, laughter, hugs and a good sing.
It was good to watch this late last night. After a day with lots of opportunities to practice, this is a good reminder of how I'd like to respond to conflict. Conflict with strangers with a grudge, and conflict when people who really like you act like they don't like you at all. I particularly admire the guy's response when called names, being got at for being American. Rather than get defensive he uncovered more of the hurt and made sure it was heard. It really is that simple and that difficult.
I'm lucky enough to know a fair few people who teach and practice non violent communication. So as much as I am able, when people bring their outrage to me I try to understand it. That is way easier said than done tho. Our own hurts, disappointments and doubts can't half get in the way. Of course the loving thing to do is not take it personally and stay focussed on the person who is trying to share of themselves with you. Every time I manage that even a little bit I need to celebrate. It can be blooming hard tho, cos we are all interrelated and other people's shouting, and usually the things they are shouting about, can impact upon us. I definitely want to model myself on those with such big hearts that they can stay in and respond compassionately, who instead of hearing "you're not wanted here" (or whatever your own particular button is) actually hear the fear in the other person's shouting and can hold out to them that yes their needs haven't been met and so of course they are not happy. In the example above it was a stranger. I think it's harder still with loved ones as there is history there, and perhaps less holding back?! People do what they need to do - shout, pretend, run away, use stuff to numb out - we all handle our hurts as best we can. Today I shall be holding some of my own up to the light to give them some perspective, maybe give them a gentle stroke, and see if I can then leave them behind in exchange for school shoes at tescos. Those silly strategies are often the best ;)
... Some success at Tesco tho they wouldn't trade in my troubles. Will see if I can leave them at church this evening, hopefully there will be a friend or two willing to help ease them off my shoulders via some tears, laughter, hugs and a good sing.
Wednesday, 3 September 2014
you are accepted
I really enjoyed my birthday. So many messages of love, I felt very loved up. And bizarre as it may sound, attending a funeral felt like a real privilege and added a special depth to the day, rememebering such an inspirational man. I suspect there is so much about so many people that we just don't know. It seems a shame to learn things about people in their eulogy and not having taken the opportunity to find out more beforehand. It was interesting to get more of an insight into what inspired him. I'm not someone who understands different branches of theology, but the reading on the back of the funeral order of service interested me as I think it's important that we get a deep sense that we are accepted. The reading was taken from this:
http://www.religion-online.org/showchapter.asp?title=378&C=84
And I can't type it all out on my phone, but here's a bit - "(grace) strikes us when year after year, the longed for perfection of life does bot appear, when the old compulsions reign within us as they have for decades, when despair destroys all hope and courage. Sometimes at that moment, a wave of light breaks into our darkness, and it is as though a voice were saying: you are accepted. You are accepted. Accepted by that which is greater than you, and the name of which you do not know. Do not ask for the name now; perhaps you will find it later. Do not try to do anything now; perhaps later you will do much... Simply accept the fact that you are accepted." Paul Tillich.
Today was going to be a day trip out but instead we're going to do school prep and try and attend to my girlies possibly broken toe. Much as I dislike shopping I will seek out the joys and revel in the acceptance.
it's my birthday and I'll smile if I want to
My Dad hates his birthday, all the people ringing to wish him well. Tho I'm like my dad in many ways, this is not something we share. Like him, I'm not fussed about presents. he and I are two of only a handful of people I know who tell people not to buy anything and mean it. But today I am revelling in the love and good wishes a birthday brings. I enjoy the reminder that there are many people who are glad I'm in their life - and vice versa. I like the opportunity afforded by a birthday to celebrate how special a person is. Obviously we can do this everyday. But birthdays give us that nudge to let someone know they mean a lot to us - I couldn't do that for every one of my friends every day of the year, but I can do it at least on their birthday.
Even if it's not your birthday today, I hope you get reminded just how much you matter.
This morning we are having a relaxing time - kids tired from their long journey yesterday so I'm getting chance to do what i like best, connecting with friends by responding to messages on Facebook and texts and calls :-)
Tonight I get to sing. I've had 3 birthdays now since I joined one voice choir. Last year, tho not on the day itself, the choir was the main feature of my party. And amazingly both the year before and this year, the Choir have a gig on the night of my birthday raising money for those who have less than I do. How perfect is that? B-)
Even if it's not your birthday today, I hope you get reminded just how much you matter.
This morning we are having a relaxing time - kids tired from their long journey yesterday so I'm getting chance to do what i like best, connecting with friends by responding to messages on Facebook and texts and calls :-)
Tonight I get to sing. I've had 3 birthdays now since I joined one voice choir. Last year, tho not on the day itself, the choir was the main feature of my party. And amazingly both the year before and this year, the Choir have a gig on the night of my birthday raising money for those who have less than I do. How perfect is that? B-)
Tuesday, 2 September 2014
surrounded by ghosts
Attending a funeral wouldn't be my top choice for my birthday tomorrow, obviously. At least I'm off work tho so able to go, and he did a lot for Christian Aid, one of two local collectors who have died in just the past week. I suspect it's because I've recently time warped back to two/three decades ago, but I seem to keep thinking I see people who are no longer alive. Glances at people as I drive or walk along and I have to remind myself it can't possibly be them cos they died a few months, or even many years ago. Maybe it's all a useful recognition of some of the feelings I'm experiencing and rather than trying to kick myself into the present, I still need to be sad awhile. Or maybe, alongside the coldsores that developed a week ago, it's all signs that I need a bit more time off. Just one day in at my main job today, then a few more days R and R.
In brighter news, when I cut off the end of my toothpaste to do my usual scraping out of remnants, I discovered a clean end to the tube. Maybe they've developed a new non-stick surface that means toothpaste waste will now dramatically decrease. I'm not one for "progress" generally, as I think the call for 'bigger, brighter, better' is a con. Less is always more in my philosophy. And less toothpaste retention is a plus for me :) Little things, little things!
In brighter news, when I cut off the end of my toothpaste to do my usual scraping out of remnants, I discovered a clean end to the tube. Maybe they've developed a new non-stick surface that means toothpaste waste will now dramatically decrease. I'm not one for "progress" generally, as I think the call for 'bigger, brighter, better' is a con. Less is always more in my philosophy. And less toothpaste retention is a plus for me :) Little things, little things!
Monday, 1 September 2014
extensive exercising
I really enjoyed cycling the guild wheel. As it's so varied I'm hoping my kids may stay interested too. I'm going to see if they want to do it with me as my birthday treat one day this week. Tho that may depend on my legs too. The dog didn't understand that I'd had enough exercise for the day. He had such a fabulous time last week staying in a home of someone who doesn't have a full time dog so looks after other people's for some mutual dog happiness. Happily for him but not so for me, he now thinks he is a 3-walks-a-day dog. Under my roof he is a one-walk-a-day dog. So yesterday I took him out for a run before my 21 mile bike ride, knowing I may be less keen upon my return. When I got back I was sniffed at expectantly - just in time for my early afternoon walk he thought. By evening I relented and took him out again - it was his birthday after all. (seriously. He received several wishes and greetings over the phone from those sad not to be with him on his special day. Again, seriously.)
It's a good job the kids are coming back tomorrow. I had beans on toast again last night - I wouldn't dream of cooking the same thing twice in a row when they are here. Couple of days of work for me tho first.
It's a good job the kids are coming back tomorrow. I had beans on toast again last night - I wouldn't dream of cooking the same thing twice in a row when they are here. Couple of days of work for me tho first.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)