no failed relationships

I'm still waiting, not patiently, for the divorce papers.
The dog was keen to warn me at 3 am or so, that the milkman was here. I then spent some time challenging the voices in my head that speak of failed relationships. I think they wrong. I think everytime we attempt to build relationships with another human being, that is a good thing.
I'm in relationship with thousands of people, and every one is a marvel, how we respond to things differently, how our experiences have helped to shape who we are, what we think and believe. I'm often amazed at how different we can all be and yet how there are usually overlapping similarities. Each encounter has that potential for delight in the discovery, the interconnectedness. Whether it's the shared hello with the woman with the sticks I see but don't know her name. Or whether it's someone who feels able to share their worst fears or listen to mine. For me, it's a big part of why I feel I'm here, what I feel my life is about. And so I don't want that to change, just because the doubts sometimes rise that maybe I'm not good at it.
Like everything, sometimes things don't work out the way I thought they would. We often get pulled into seeing things as a success or failure according to certain expectations. I know it's not going to be helpful for me to see myself as failing. So what if I redefine success to notice that every attempt at building, or deepening relationships, was good. That each time relationships get tricky, or drop away, or come to a dramatic end, it's not because either party has failed. It's just that the "stuff" inbetween us got too much for us to handle in that moment. The hurts and doubts mean the button pressing can get too much for one or the other, or maybe both, to look at right now and so a choice was made not to work on it - and that it's totally fine to do that, we all get to choose what we work on and what we don't.
I have relationships that have long pauses in between, where I don't feel stuff has got in the way. One friend I lean on all the time, but internally. I've not seen her in exactly a year, I'm not sure I've even spoken to her yet this year - we've shared odd short texts but nothing deep and meaningful. Yet because I met her and have had lots of opportunities to absorb her wisdom, she has changed me from within and is there even when she isn't. It's great to have her as an ally on the inside - she too would challenge the doubt that I'm any good at relationships just because some don't seem to have worked out. She wouldn't let me succumb to the hurt. She'd not deny my hurt either, but she'd help me re-focus on all those ways where I do well rather than get sucked down by my imperfections. I have a whole pile of people who help me out in this way too - they are fabulous people to have in my life and I'm very grateful for them.