grumbly

I am not competitive, I will have mentioned that before. The last competition my choir did, I wasn't part of, so decided I'd join in this time. But it's not the same, singing just for fun, as singing to take part in an international competition. It's in 11 days time and we have 8 get togethers in that time. I can hopefully make 5 of them, and am trying not to be grumpy that the babysitting costs for the first two is £30, a quarter of my week's wages. I do not feel anywhere near ready so need to go to these practices, and hopefully will find joy whilst I'm there. I'm tempted to just call my participation off, only my Dad is so proud that I'm part of it, I don't want to quit at this point.
I've been grumpy for a few days now. Let's hope I can shift it today...

Yes, there was joy in singing - I do like singing, did I mention that ever? Lots more singing with my one voice family this week, plus a practice with my other choir family too. I can already feel the endorphins kicking in :)

air-sky

A fab aspect of being outside for most of a weekend is that you get to see better the ever changing sky. As the tent door won't shut anymore, we also got an authentic sleeping in the fresh air experience :-)
Hopefully today's sun will soon banish memories of yesterday's downpour and the tent will dry so we can get it away without adding to its mould levels...

short nights in fresh air

When I wake at home I usually have a reasonably accurate idea of what time it is. I must take my cue from sounds and light I have become accustomed to. Here I really had no clue what hour of the morning it might be. I'd forgotten how when camping there are vocal babies both late at night and very early in the morning!!
It was clearly much warmer in my bedroom when I packed and so I'm prettymuch wearing everything I have brought. Thankfully I remembered to bring tons of towels so used one ad an improvised blanket last night. That might not be an option this eve after the kids have had several dips in the sea.
After a very full on week I can feel myself beginning to relax, but it's not like we leave the concern we feel for others behind...

not a failure after all!

I'm going to get one of my fab counselling friends to help me, as it's so much easier with support, but I've started to look at just what is so upsetting for me about the label 'divorced'. It's because in my mind, the word leads me to believe I have failed. That I have moved from hopeful enthusiastic promises to a state of failure that has a finality about it.
One of the harder aspects of my marriage ending was trying to deal with my feelings of having let down others who also have invested in it, and yet none of them have actually felt let down. Turns out that was my stuff.
And when I stop and think of the divorced women I know, I don't for a moment see them as failures. I see remarkable women, living inspirational lives, in good relationship with various people.
Convincing ourselves that we have failed does nothing for anyone, it just eats us up from the inside and robs us of our rightful sense of worth. I've had wonderful people remind me of my worth when i have temporarily lost sight of it. Friends who have sung my song back to me when it was getting lost midst the clamour of the doubts. Counsellors who have repeatedly reminded me just how well I was doing when the temptation was to focus on all I wasn't. it has been helpful to me to take time to grieve when life didn't go as expected. But whatever labels get ascribed to me, I am not defined by them, nor by the experiences that I have had. I will continue to work on my fears so that I can choose how I react to all that happens. I think it takes courage to stand firm in the face of a piece of paper that declares you didn't manage to achieve what you set out to do. But we are so much more than our test results/redundancy letter etc etc.

Friday is another day of virtually no internet time hence me posting now. Hopefully this afternoon I'll meet with someone unable to attend the radical compassion day, to tell her all about it. I can't now remember what the acronyms stood for but I remember the warmth of all the connections made and the power of loving ourselves so we can better love others.
And I'm looking forward to spending nights under the stars.

Sunset n friends; wonderful to meet new friend earlier and talk radical compassion - yay!

big softy

Seeing lots of roses in a garden reminded me of how special my Dad would have me feel, by cutting a rose from the garden and giving it to me in a little vase for my room. I rang him to tell him how much I'd appreciated him doing that for me when I was younger and he said that every year, he still always cuts the first rose from the garden and presents it to mum. He called himself a big softy. The world needs more big softies - people who do little things to show how much they love others.
I'm not sure how I'm going to fit everything in today, and will be surprised if I manage much packing for our camping trip tomorrow. But I will take every opportunity I can to be a big softy :D

I know some ace big softies. Sometimes it's hard to be soft when we're struggling tho, but I know it's "only" old stuff. I know it can feel like it takes over, but sometimes we're able to get it back down to size ;) I keep getting blown away at the mo about how big each of our lives are, and how many of us there are. When I stop and think it just seems massive - all of us, living our big lives with millions of feelings and thoughts and concerns. Wow.
Not so much time to think tho - I made good use of my 15 min lunch - marmite on toast and a catch up with my internet stuff as no chance to do so again til much later. I temporarily lost my positivity last night - sometimes I am in a secure place and then a little thing knocks me out of it. But I know I can live in that secure place and when I do it feels good. Let's keep reaching for that place, where we know we're doing just what we need to, whether it is struggle with something that will help us move to a better place, or whether we are in our flow, confident that no-one can be us better than we can be ourselves and that IT IS GOOD.

fading scars

I noticed this morning that my scar from nearly a year ago is now not very noticeable at all :)
I wondered if it had been exactly a year, but no not yet, I checked my blog ;)
I also wonder if I'm prone to an annual worrying that I'm about to die? Last night I had chest pains and contemplated if this was it, but I then figured it was just that I'd not taken even 20 seconds to digest my food before dashing onto the next thing. Which last night included more house to house collecting (the street I do for a different charity, in return from a friend collecting for "me" during Christian Aid Week.) I had the most random response yet on a doorstep, a diatribe about the Queen's 7 million pound plaything (at my confused expression he helpfully explained that he was talking about a helicopter).
People are ace aren't they. I love how we're so different, we have so much going on for each of us that comes out in myriad ways.
I'm glad I'm still here. I was wondering if my 40 years of adventuring is just half way through, or if I've had my full entitlement already. I've already met such amazing people and had such joy, I will be glad to have a whole lot more if at all possible :)
Hope your adventures today are also joy filled - I once again need to dash :D
xx

hippie hippos

Yesterday was both productive AND enjoyable - hurrah :)
Not only did I do everything off my to do list, AND housework, I also went for a brew with my new friend, and even swam in the pool. I figured that given how hot it was, if I didn't swim then, when exactly was I going to do so?
I'm trying to do more chatting with friends, as I've realised it's my favouritest thing to do :) I nearly left straight after my talk on saturday but instead lingered and had time to chat to someone I've not had much chatting time with before. It was lovely. I have such clarity at the moment that this is it, I have to be doing what I feel I want to do with my life cos I'm not going to get a second chance at it. Tho i did enjoy a fb cartoon yesterday of a hippo talking about re-incarnation, saying "I said HIPPIE!"

This morning had a scary moment until I discovered my boy had put the cooker clock forwards by 10 mins as he didn't want to be late. The rest of this week seems a bit full on - I don't have any extended time sat again at this computer until next monday, which is a shame as I like chatting here too :) I will of course make time, cos that's what we get to do - we do have choices, and right now I'm pretty happy with mine.

So, hope you're not letting anyone else live your life for you? It's yours to live every wild and wonderful moment :D xx

PS next time I'm doubting my competence I shall have to remember that this morning I received a call saying that my existing mortgage company have no information about me whatsoever. We've quoted account numbers, names, and - you'd think crucially - the address of the property that they have mortgaged and happily receive wads of money from me for each month. Nothing.
The dog vomited over the re-mortgaging paperwork this weekend. I have two thoughts on this - one, that I really should stop using the floor as a filing system, and two, that I can't think of a more appropriate response ;)

celebrating fully

I've been prompted to remember my confirmation, 25 years ago. Interestingly, the ONLY thing I remember about the day was the overriding feeling of disappointment that my youth group leader, such a significant person in my faith journey, had not acknowledged it. She was away, which I knew, but I was surprised she'd not sent a card or anything. As I'm not of the view that we need folk in a hierarchy to connect us to God, I don't remember anything about the Bishop, or the moment of confirmation, or my first communion.

When we got back to the house afterwards, my mum produced a pile of cards that had arrived during the week, including a perfect one from said person, and I then was kicking myself for letting the service be spoiled. In my present role as mum, whenever birthday cards come for the kids I also file them away, but first I check with the kids that that's what they want. There's something about "gatekeeping" that seems significant - it can impact upon us even when the intentions are good.

The only thing I can recall about my transferring into membership of the Methodist church was worrying how long I would be expected to stand up for (I'd just discovered I was pregnant). In many ways I'm a fan of these kinds of services - primarily because I think celebrating is sooooooo important. Celebrating our lives, celebrating our connections, celebrating each other. If we have to create formal occasions to make such celebrating acceptable then so be it. But in my experience, it is the little celebrations of the tiny wonders that mean most to me. Today I shall be celebrating connections old and new - I'm hoping to whip through my to do list so I can go and have a coffee with someone I hit it off with when on her doorstep for Christian Aid Week. Whatever it is you celebrate today, I hope you can do so fully :)

Does God control the weather?

Given the gorgeous sunshine, it was perhaps inevitable that the conversation would include how nice the weather was, when I asked the man in the tent how the festival was going for him. He commented that this is what happens when so many people had prayed for good weather. I took a deep breath and replied "or not". I'd have really liked to have gone on to have a deep theological discussion with him, rather than leaving him feeling perhaps a little snubbed, only I was called to do my talk at that point. And maybe I'd have not been brave enough anyway, seeing as his theological thoughts are well respected and mine are not exactly well known. But I do think our beliefs are equally valid, whether we are clergy bigwigs, or individuals in slogan t-shirts.
I don't think that God controls the weather according to number, or conviction, of prayers received. Not every wedding can be shined upon or else the crops would shrivel and then what would we eat? And if we are to claim God blesses some with sunshine, it feels just a small step to then going along with those ridiculous calls that God is punishing particular people with extreme floods. I personally believe in an ecosystem that means weather happens and can be sometimes influenced by our actions - whether it's intentional cloud seeding, or selfish activity resulting in global warming, but not by our prayers.

There was a wonderful moment when I was back at the festival again today. We were encouraged to go up and use some water in whatever way we saw fit and most people were signing themselves with a cross shape using a dampened finger. I reached the bowl at the same time as another woman so we did that polite thing of "you first, no you first" and I said let's both go together. So we did, and spontaneously flicked water at each other and then realised we knew each other from the called to serve course. Brilliant!

Hope you too have had a day full of sunshine and joy :)

words into actions

I saw this yesterday and like it-

Growing into the Truth We Speak

Can we only speak when we are fully living what we are saying? If all our words had to cover all our actions, we would be doomed to permanent silence! Sometimes we are called to proclaim God's love even when we are not yet fully able to live it. Does that mean we are hypocrites? Only when our own words no longer call us to conversion. Nobody completely lives up to his or her own ideals and visions. But by proclaiming our ideals and visions with great conviction and great humility, we may gradually grow into the truth we speak. As long as we know that our lives always will speak louder than our words, we can trust that our words will remain humble.

Henri Nouwen

In my counselling, we talk of 'directions' where we remind ourselves of where we are, or want to be even if we don't fully feel it yet. So I might say something like 'I'm doing the best I can' which has truth within it, even if I might not totally believe it all the time. The more I remind myself of this truth, the more I can believe it. I've been called a hypocrite before now and it's not nice. I think all of us are trying to be who we'd like to be And I'm going to keep on encouraging myself and others to keep on going for it, even when we know we ain't perfect!

I have a lot of dashing today but there will be lovely people, food and singing - yay!
Enjoy being your wonderful self today :-) 

bad day jar

It's a beautiful day! This morning I shall be writing lovely things about one of my friends who is going through a hard time. I'll then be putting those slips in a box for her to pick out whenever she needs reminding how fab she is. I had a friend make me a "bad day jar" several years back and it has been one of my incredibly useful emotional props. That's the thing about good friends - they get to sing our tune back to us when we've forgotten it; they whisper to us how they believe in us when we find it impossible to believe in ourselves; they remind us of the truth about ourselves when the doubts are calling us. I'm so grateful to the solid friends who have done this for me when I've needed it, and it's good to be able to do similar for others.

There's lots to do this morning as it is the "free" morning in my week, so is where all the tasks have accumulated in my diary! Then this afternoon I'm talking about how I live out my faith at work. It's an unknown how that will go - let's see!

There was unexpected do-si-doing with a Bishop. I had bare feet on the grass and bare arms in the sun. It was lovely. I've not done everything on my list. I've not even had tea. But how lovely to hang out with a whole bunch of Anglicans - I didn't realise I knew and loved so many :D

cake face

I'm coming to the end of what has been a particularly cake filled week, even by my standards! Our last day of celebrating for now, perhaps a good thing as I'm feeling chubbier than I was. Still, it's good to celebrate, tho my learning from yesterday is to be careful if wearing a lanyard around dips :)
Knowing that not everyone is celebrating can make celebrating hard.
I have a non-stop day today, the sort where I have to remember that I've arranged to do some things on the way to others. Got to dash, more cake beckons - hope you have lots of loveliness too!

...
Plenty of cake, but still had several people's concerns on my heart today. Was good to sing out loud with One Voice tonight - I was especially moved by Kum By Yah, which I know has an old fashioned kind of image, but is really rather beautiful when sung by our marvellous Tyndale :)

practice

Sad that I won't be seeing my Friday choir chums tomorrow as there's no practice this week, and then I'll be camping next week. I'm getting a bit worried that I won't be well enough prepared for either the upcoming wedding we're singing at, or the competition I'm singing in with my other choir. There's a couple of gigs this weekend with the latter tho, so will just keep practising!
After a wobble, my facebook is back - hurrah - and I liked spotting this:

"Hope is the ability to hear the music of tomorrow, faith is the courage to dance to it today"

defiantly happy

Up early, the sun is shining and I'm still in a positive mood. I've tried to tell myself to stop waiting on the post, to defiantly let it catch me unawares :) Meanwhile there is a life to be lived that could end at anytime and I don't want to waste a minute of it moping. None of us know what is coming next, I really want to grab the joy in the present - hope you can too :D

different view over time

I've been reading my diary entries in my 1988 journal. What interests me most is whilst I'm quickly transported back to what life was like, I had forgotten so much of it. The me that I thought I was, isn't the me I was writing about back then, so I have remembered things differently from how they felt/were at the time. I know this is how memory works, we are selective and we take what is useful to us into the future. It's been valuable to me tho to read back and perhaps have a clearer picture of what it was like being a teenager. I also know that what I write about now, just as what I wrote then, is only a fragment of how life is, but it serves its purpose - like back then, to reduce the isolation and order my thoughts and feelings and help gain perspective.

My posting of Methodists being happy yesterday prompted a friend to share this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCtz-uV_d6s&feature=youtu.be

and had us thinking we could maybe do an interfaith one in my nearby town? We all can be happy :D

I keep hearing the song everywhere - it's a great soundtrack to life so good to be hearing lots! This week is breastfeeding celebration week and with lots to celebrate, there is plenty of cake - yay! But also much to keep me busy...

ministry

I shall be thinking today of one of my best friends who is facing a panel of peeps to decide if he's hearing voices or not. Well, kind of. We met at a "called to serve" course, designed to help us reflect on what our calling might be. It was a good course and helped me clarify that I think I'm meant to be handing out flowers in the park, sitting next to people on their sofas and listening, and messaging people when they need reminding that they are not alone. It's not necessarily a regular tick box kind of calling, but it is suiting me fine for now. My mate on the other hand is a bit more traditional than me and his latest step is to see if others feel his calling is to the priesthood.
I think for each and every one of us, it is fab if we can spend the major part of our lives doing what we think best suits our talents. That way we can feel fulfilled, and can grow, and play a part in a bigger picture. So much the better if we can get paid for it, so we don't have to spend other bits of our time earning money and not getting that same sense of reaching our potential in that worktime.

I've had a choir song in my head that goes:
"Find your place, be the best that you can be, take a chance and love will set you free, the future's in your hands; live learn and understand.
Gonna be alright, gonna be OK. If you're reaching for the light you're sure to find the way"

And saw this today on facebook. It's ace when we get to not be serious church all the time - hope you enjoy it too :
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=agDfzOGiaAE

sound levels

Doing the technology at church this morning was very stressful to begin with. I couldn't work out how to get the sound - eventually switched a lead and all was well, just in time for the service to begin - phew! It then proceeded fine, tho I didn't always remember to turn down or back up again the mic for the minister, but he didn't notice, he kindly tells me. Surely that must be an occupational hazard of ministering, one minute the mic picks up your singing voice, then next minute you have to revert to the boom you learned to preach with before microphones became de rigour?

Last night my boy struggled to sleep cos of the noise from the pub behind our house, a cheer woke him at one point - was there just the one?

And my final sound level for the day is a happy one - a pleasurable 4 hours with my one voice family, rehearsing. We are making tiny changes to how wide we open our mouths on certain words, and then changing where abouts we stood.

And now the sound of silence as the kids are helping their dad celebrate father's day. Time for me to catch up with jobs then hopefully relax :)

suncream

It was already saying 15 degrees at 7.30am - we've put on lots of suncream!
It's been a difficult week and I'm not feeling as sunny as the weather but maybe after a good dose of it, I will be? At least I can hide behind shades...

I remember I don't actually like sunshine, it gives me a headache. I was asked several times,  if I was OK, in that way we do when we greet each other - and I saw lots of people who had lined the streets for the procession. To one I answered "I'm holding a balloon and a rainbow banner, how can I not be alright?" I was really pleased our church theme was the rainbow. A symbol of hope, I don't know if anyone else saw it as a celebration of diversity of sexuality, as it can also symbolise, but I certainly did :D

Ima

Wasn't sure I'd have time to blog this morning (I haven't really).
Drifting back to sleep after an early morning text and I dreamed of being in a work meeting in a hotel, me and some work colleagues comfy in our double bed, a plate of biscuits on hand. So I was surprised when the alarm went off and I'd not actually yet made it into work.
I'm pleased to report that it looks like I've turned my first-thing negativity on it's head - the first thoughts I have on waking are no longer detrimental, I hopefully have managed to train my brain so the first things I think of are wishing the world love. My train of thought this particular morning has led me to look up the feminine version of the Aramaic "Abba" meaning father which is a common affectionate term for talking to God. Anyway, I've learned mummy is "Ima" (pron ee-ma). I have no pretentious aims of wanting to coax my brain to call out this as my first thought each morning. But it was good to learn something new already today :D

I'm going to be slightly late in - especially as I'm going via the post office to collect something they can't deliver without my signature - I'm not expecting anything other than the divorce papers - maybe I have to sign for them? It just means I'll be home late but that's ok, I'll have time to catch up with myself later. I don't think I'm going to choir tonight as we need a very early night so we can get up and out for all the club day shennanigans tomorrow. Tho that means I've missed both choirs this week - not a decision taken lightly for me.

Will have to sing out loud in the car. Do join in :D
...
Don't know if I made the right decision as it seems a late night now anyway. I have spent a proportion of this evening scrabbling round for hair clips that are needed for 7am tomorrow. I have managed to locate 5 from amongst the pots of odds and ends I have around the place - I have several of these pots I now realise. I also discovered a roll of undeveloped camera film...

fairground attraction

Each year a fair comes to town for the days surrounding what is called "club day", a day of celebrating, after a procession of witness that is a massive event, with lots of people walking with the different churches, and "rose queens".
I'm not a fair person. Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of justice and that kind of fairness, just not the types that are noisy and crammed with lights and litter and vomit. I'm not a thrill seeker at all. The kids are also now of an age where it's not cool to hang out with your parent anyway. So I went to a nearby field and had a very pleasant time enjoying the daisies. Tho dog was also in heaven, peeing left right and centre as it's not a field we usually go to, so he needed to leave his mark. I don't know if the excitement of the fair (still audible in the background, both from that field and also now from my home) unsettled him tho. He did that embarrassing thing of growling at every dog who passed, earning me a dirty look from one woman who presumably worried he fitted the Staffordshire Bull Terrier stereotype, and that he was about to savage her little pooch. Anyway, we made it back in one piece, tho he has eaten up various forbidden items scavenged from the surrounds of the fair, so we'll see what happens next.

I do like how dogs simply enjoy themselves. There's a lesson in that :D
http://www.splentale.com/what-a-brilliant-dog-if-this-dog-doesnt-make-you-happy-then-you-dont-have-a-heart/#

hope

It was a day with some reconciliation in it yesterday, which is always a good thing. Also, as luck would have it, there'd been an offer at Co-op for pizza so I'd bought 3, so when my girly asked if friends could come over I was easily able to invite them to stay for tea. I never usually have extra food in, so how fab was that.

Also unusually, I didn't go to choir - all 3 of my usual babysitting options hadn't been available. So instead I phoned a friend and that also was good.

Have to get to work and no more to say right now, but the sun is shining and I have a CD to singalong to. Hope you also have sun and music, or whatever it is that brings hope to your soul. xx

no failed relationships

I'm still waiting, not patiently, for the divorce papers.
The dog was keen to warn me at 3 am or so, that the milkman was here. I then spent some time challenging the voices in my head that speak of failed relationships. I think they wrong. I think everytime we attempt to build relationships with another human being, that is a good thing.
I'm in relationship with thousands of people, and every one is a marvel, how we respond to things differently, how our experiences have helped to shape who we are, what we think and believe. I'm often amazed at how different we can all be and yet how there are usually overlapping similarities. Each encounter has that potential for delight in the discovery, the interconnectedness. Whether it's the shared hello with the woman with the sticks I see but don't know her name. Or whether it's someone who feels able to share their worst fears or listen to mine. For me, it's a big part of why I feel I'm here, what I feel my life is about. And so I don't want that to change, just because the doubts sometimes rise that maybe I'm not good at it.
Like everything, sometimes things don't work out the way I thought they would. We often get pulled into seeing things as a success or failure according to certain expectations. I know it's not going to be helpful for me to see myself as failing. So what if I redefine success to notice that every attempt at building, or deepening relationships, was good. That each time relationships get tricky, or drop away, or come to a dramatic end, it's not because either party has failed. It's just that the "stuff" inbetween us got too much for us to handle in that moment. The hurts and doubts mean the button pressing can get too much for one or the other, or maybe both, to look at right now and so a choice was made not to work on it - and that it's totally fine to do that, we all get to choose what we work on and what we don't.
I have relationships that have long pauses in between, where I don't feel stuff has got in the way. One friend I lean on all the time, but internally. I've not seen her in exactly a year, I'm not sure I've even spoken to her yet this year - we've shared odd short texts but nothing deep and meaningful. Yet because I met her and have had lots of opportunities to absorb her wisdom, she has changed me from within and is there even when she isn't. It's great to have her as an ally on the inside - she too would challenge the doubt that I'm any good at relationships just because some don't seem to have worked out. She wouldn't let me succumb to the hurt. She'd not deny my hurt either, but she'd help me re-focus on all those ways where I do well rather than get sucked down by my imperfections. I have a whole pile of people who help me out in this way too - they are fabulous people to have in my life and I'm very grateful for them.

defining

Jim Carrey's pinched my view on life ;)

http://mychannel957.com/this-one-minute-video-of-jim-carreys-commencement-speech-might-change-your-life-video/?trackback=fbshare_mobile_top

I also have taken comfort today in these words from a Pastor John Hagee:
"It is not what others say about you that defines who you are, it is what God says about you."

I don't like being judged but actually it's good to realise that's what's important is how I see myself, even if others see me differently. All I can continue to do is my best. I saw a surname on the internet today that is Goodenough, perhaps that's the surname to change mine to when my divorce finally comes through?

precious friends

I made a good decision yesterday. I'd done lots off my list and decided to go and see a friend for lunch. My favourite thing to do in life is chat with my friends - and she'd even made a cake! It was good to put the world to rights a while. I was really touched by her observation (and I've checked with her first if it's OK to share) that having lost someone dear, what she remembers is all the love, and the fallings out don't matter any more. As someone who isn't perfect, and falls out with folk far more than I'd like, this was good to hear.

I also managed an overdue call with another friend - we did it over 3 separate calls, throughout the afternoon and evening, such is the nature of family life.
There's not many gaps now in the rest of my week, so good to make the most of a flexible monday. I enjoy my work and get opportunities to love people within it. But I'm clear my life is way more than my work. Hope you get a good life/work balance today/this week too xx

cherishing clutter?

Maybe I just live a cluttered life and instead of try to fight it, celebrate it instead?
I'm feeling weary from all the battling at the moment so perhaps just need to welcome all that is around me rather than resist it. Last night I noticed all the stuff that sits beside my head each night. The main function of my bedside cabinet is to act as a safe surface for my water, phone and glasses (none of which are pictured). Sometimes these get knocked off (and so it's not really fulfilling its role) so I'm going to try and tidy it a little. I have no idea why most of the items are there. I worked out one of the creams (I sometimes remember to rub into the soles of my feel at night) I have had since I was at school That is some time ago now so I am trying to use it up!! So why I'd need a second tub there too I don't know. And one bell is a lovely thing - from when I was sick and my girly wanted me to be able to call for help. But again, why two? There are lots of little gifts from loved ones - they can stay. I have little things like that all over the place - in my car, and all over the house - pebbles, little post its, beautiful drawings. I'm so glad to have so many signs of how well loved I am :)

bins and beauty

Sunday evenings are usually a flurry of activity (as opposed to the rest of my life which is quiet and sedate? hmm). I blame the bins. They are collected on a monday morning and so I scurry around - emptying recycling or removing garden weeds if it's that week, or, as tonight, trying to clear out a little for the non-recyclable black bin. I'm reasonably impressed with myself, making headway on some clutter.

One of my bin habits may be about to change. I currently use plastic bags from my local supermarket to line my kitchen bin. Even tho I mainly take hessian or cotton bags each time I go, I forget often enough (or under estimate the amount of food I'm going to get) to supply my bin lining needs. But I'm happy to learn that we are soon to be charged (5p each) for carrier bags. I say happy, because I am - it will hopefully encourage us all to change our habits and use reusable bags which will be much much better for the environment. But it will also remove my free source of bin liners, so I will probably become more careful about that too. Only putting things in a lined bin that need it to be lined, and popping the larger items directly into the outside bin. I'm pleased to say that so far I've made a conscious effort to take my reusable bags still, rather than yield to the temptation to stock up now on free plastic bags - that would defeat the point of my principles.

As a reward for anyone who has stuck this long with a blog about lining bins, here is a beautiful, continuously changing work of art - awesome and poignant:

http://blog.petflow.com/she-walked-out-on-stage-and-blew-everyone-away-i-never-expected-this-astonishing/#i8qVotdfkXdmEVXZ.01

cleaning with irony

My boy and I have just done a couple of hours hard work - wiping away spider webs, clearing garden debris, repainting walls. We had gone to help out at the scout hut maintenance day, and it was a good thing to do. Only I was painfully aware of just how much cleaning needs to happen in our own house, and of course we've now come back pooped. If I can get my monkey to clean out his hamster's cage it will be a miracle.
But then my n my girly are off for an amazing looking afternoon tea, so maybe that will re-energize me for an evening blitz. Photo later! (of the scones, not the massive pile of unwashed oven trays)

Afternoon tea was very lovely. Some washing up has also been done. Attempts made to de-green the pool, and I suddenly realised I could temporarily mend the washing machine so I can use just that. Hurrah.

playing our part in creating happy endings

I've told you before how ace the people of my town are. I was proud to be part of another example of that today. Heading home from work I entered the town from the by-pass crossroads when I spotted a puppy hurtling down the middle of the road towards my car. I stopped and worried as it headed onto the bypass. I scanned the pavements for likely suspects and found an anxious looking woman carrying a conspicuously empty dog lead. I called out to her to jump in and off we went - I then drove down each of the roads from the bypass crossroads (and those roads don't have much turning potential - only one u-turn was possible) until we were flashed by a car whose driver the woman did not know, who had managed to get the excited creature into his car. So, I'm proud to say two complete strangers worked together to help out a woman who, it turned out, was only looking after the puppy whilst its owner was at an appointment. (Can you imagine her panic at losing the dog in her charge?) It was most cheering to be part of a team who sprung into action - particularly as it had a happy ending. I love it when people help those they don't know :D

what's under the bed?

This week one of the hamsters made her (2nd) bid for freedom and had an escapade that necessitated dragging all the boxes out from under my bed. As everything was out I thought rather than put them back I'd give it a good hoover and maybe even a sort through. In my mind it was just dust and out of date leaflets advertising local tourist attractions. There was plenty of both of these, but I'd not realised there would also be lots of momentoes. You know those things you keep in order to bring back all those happy memories. Things like Valentine's cards and postcards.
So that turned out to be a bit of a step backwards in what had otherwise been a forward moving day. I found someone happy to witness my signing a box; I saved myself £42 by asking the guy on the phone if there was an alternative to having money put into my account; and by the close of day had been officially offered a mortgage. (I do work as well you know, I don't just spend my entire day filing in forms, it just feels like it).
Now I know what's under my bed I think I might like to rehouse it - I don't want to have things that make me sad in the place where I want to curl up happily each night. I'm a believer in not having a TV in my bedroom, or to work in my bedroom, cos I think it's good to have a safe haven to dream in. A song leapt to mind about protecting each other from the monsters beneath our bed. I don't think I've ever had concerns about monsters. And I'm lucky enough to have space so I can relocate stuff I want to keep - they might still leave me sad right now but I'm confident a day will come when I can look back fondly at it all.

This is it!!!

I woke this morning with the (perhaps cliched but nonetheless true) thought that this is it, I really am not going to get another turn at living my life so I do want to make the most of it. I know I've blogged on this kind of thing before, but I certainly need reminding of it often, so I don't apologise for repeating myself :)

And then a friend shared this ace post
http://buddhistthings.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/8-things-to-remember-when-everything.html?m=1#.U5AlmXJdUuB

There are some brilliant bits in it. Lots we know already but are fundamental:

"You can’t take things too personally, even if it seems personal. Rarely do people do things because of you. They do things because of them."

It is a little bit too directive for my liking by the end, but I think anything that encourages us to live the life we want to lead is a good thing :) Especially when it reminds us that there is always hope even when it feels rough. And so, having had a calm discussion with a legal guy this morning, I'm now back to the mortgage application, let's see if we can crack this thing :D

science wonders

A full on day emotionally and physically and I'm very tired now but just want to share a couple of wonders with you. The first was a fact written in a lego magazine, that states there are more living things in a tablespoon of soil than there are people on earth. Each time I reflect on this my mind is blown.

The second was this lovely article. As you'll perhaps remember, I'm a massive fan of skin to skin, whereby babies get to hang out on their mums chests, and if the baby is too hot a mum's temperature will drop in order to cool her little one. I like the idea that koalas do this with trees :)

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-27684863

I hope your mind has also been widened today :)

helping grieving friends

I think this is a really helpful piece on useful things we can do to support those we love who are grieving:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-devine/death-and-dying_b_4329830.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

I want to particularly pick up on the practical bits. Like not doing anything irreversible without checking first. I once had someone, with the best will in the world, try to help me by pulling up some weeds, but it was what _they_ thought would be useful and I was gutted by what they did as I'd promised the seeds to my Dad. I was just a little hormonal at the time, but imagine if you helped someone by clearing some litter that turned out to be the last things the dead loved one had touched, or washed clothes that still had the smell of that loved one.

There's a current song I quite like the harmonies of, but it includes the line "but I know what's right for you" and I struggle cos I don't think we ever know what's right for someone else. It's always worth asking them first what they think is right for them. What's interesting to me tho, is hearing a couple of times this year now, that when we are really struggling, we may well not have a clue what's right for us, or what we need. And so when someone says "call me if you want anything" that's not particularly helpful, as the person just won't call cos they're not in a place to.

I've partly blogged on this so I have this list to look at next time someone I love loses someone dear to them. Some of it is what I already know - not fixing, simply being alongside in the pain and not promising that things will feel better etc. But it's so useful to have this set out clearly. As well as sharing it on fb, which I have, I wonder what else I could do to share this. Wouldn't it be fab if everyone learned this kind of stuff in schools?? Way more useful than say quadratic equations, if you ask me... (tho they have their place, for those that use them, clearly).

fuddled

I was brave yesterday. I've told the mortgage people I'm not willing to sign a form that says I will pay "any fees" as that feels carte blanche to be charged anything. They did send an accompanying fees list, but some of them just say the fee is "varied". I don't enter financial agreements with anyone else that are open ended. When I go and choose tea from the shop, it's knowing how much it will cost - that's part of how I make the decision. If someone is doing work on my house (the tiles on the roof were replaced yesterday, 6 months later, hurrah!!!) I have a quote in advance, and if that needs to change, we discuss it. First.
It's brave cos it feels like I could be back at square one with the mortgage process but we'll see if I get a reply.

Non- financial agreements are a different beast entirely. Us people do our best but we are ruled by fear at times and so don't manage what we agree, and at other times soar and exceed expectations. And then sometimes we're just a bit ditzy - I have made a lovely lunch for Joe today to belatedly remember he is still not back at school til tomorrow. I'm not sure I can send it to his Dad's with him cos it might look like I don't think he can provide a good lunch, so I will pop it in the fridge and hope it survives an extra day. Let's hope my brain is less fuddled by the time I lead the workshop later!!

...
I'm waiting for the mortgage legal people to ring me back. My girly didn't know who I had phoned, and thought I was speaking to a relative on the phone to them when I called out "Love you", so went "who, me?" I said it would be a stretch for me to tell the mortgage peeps that I love them. I am currently holding them in my best imaginings possible as I want the call to go well (ie me not cry, and hopefully move forwards rather than me call the whole thing off). But I fear they would think me unhinged if  I told them I loved them when I've not spoken to them before. Interestingly, that's the tricky thing about love isn't it? It's easy to say and do when all is going swimmingly and things are easy. It's much harder when the situation is fraught. Sometimes when I'm at my shoutiest, I remind myself just how much I love those present. I have some great people in my life who model well to me how to love even when it's tricky. And sometimes I feel I do well too, even when the going gets tough. Yay for love :)

reminder

I might need to keep reminding myself that I worked some of last week in order to take time off with my boy today (he's not back at school til weds). I've already powered through lots of my to do list so that's good. We're going to be learning together how to put together a service on the technology - and might cycle over there in order to learn, so we should have fun. I've been a bit stressy of late tho, so it's a conscious effort to be fun. Good job I'm such a hard worker at what I want to do - even when it comes to being fun ;)

being who we are

Church today was fab, a youth service and very interactive. We had to draw our favourite meal (fresh bread) and a favourite activity (talking and listening with my friends). I'm lucky to have been to some great services that have helped me feel better connected to God, to others and to myself. Even better, I feel very lucky to have some wonderful friends who help me in the same ways - to feel more connected to God, myself and others. Many probably don't know how helpful they have been. Sometimes we don't have a sense of what we have done for others, sometimes they don't know how they have helped us. Sometimes I guess we just have to trust that we're doing the best we can.

I've worn my t-shirt a lot since I got it and it's been good to have conversations about why I think we should choose love not fear. I don't manage it all the time at all. But it's a great aim. I've also been thinking about the command to love one another. Not to love one. But to love one another, _all_ those others. Those who are scared as well as those who give me flapjack. Hope you can feel the love. Xx