not taking it personally

I think everything we encounter is an opportunity to think, learn and grow. I've been seeing quotes recently along the lines of:
It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it. — Lena Horne
and I definitely agree, it's how we react to all the many things we hear/see/feel. All of us have the potential to feel bad (or good!!) about little or big occurrences all the time. Our own particular hurts get re-stimulated and when we notice that, we choose what to do about it. I use my blog space (and also my weekly co-counselling space) to work out stuff that goes on for me when my buttons get pressed.

Last week something came up and I got to chat with my work colleagues about how I once learned from a fab retreat leader about not avoiding other people's innumerable hurts. I'd asked her if she wasn't worried that she'd be offending people present by talking about a particular thing - she pointed out we can't - and shouldn't - avoid the things that might upset others, but instead listen to how they're upset. It is impossible not to press other people's buttons as we all have so many!! When people's buttons get pressed it can sometimes sound like they are cross with us for pressing those buttons - and some people may indeed even tell us that it's our fault. I DON'T THINK IT IS. I do know tho, from personal experience of pressing other people's buttons inadvertently, that we can sometimes then feel responsible/guilty/cross ourselves. Indeed, the thing about hurts is that they often intersect. Does this next conversation sound familiar to you? Despite my having a reasonable understanding of how hurts hook, I still regularly get into conversations that run a bit like this:

Other person: "It's not fair! (followed by explanation as to what's not fair, in a very emotional ie shouty or whiny voice)
Me: (instantly defensive "I'm try my best" or "it's not always like that" etc etc.

I take it personally. We so want to defend ourselves, and to have our feelings heard too, it's really hard just to acknowledge that is how the other person feels and that they are not necessarily saying it is our fault (even if that's how we perceive it. Or even if they are also yelling "and it's all your fault").

On my really good days (and sometimes after the initial bit of the conversation) I remember, and get to ask them to tell me more about how they feel it's unfair. Not jumping in with our own feelings is really hard. And it gets harder when time is pressing, when you want to sort it out now and don't have the luxury of a whole evening to listen really well, with time to share your own feelings back too so that everyone gets to understand and move forwards. But even our little attempts count :)

So today I wish you all the love in the world so that the next time you feel someone is blaming you for their hurts you can take that breath and remember that their hurts are not your hurts :) And of course I wish the same for myself too as this is the lesson I seem to be needing to learn most right now!!