toast

Sorry my blog hasn't really been upbeat and inspirational this week. It's not been that kind of week for me. It's felt like a very long week. My boyfriend has been off work but studying so I've not seen him. Work has seemed stretched out somehow - tho today I'm excited as I have 3 home visits and I am so pleased I'm resuming home visiting as it's one of my favourite aspects to my work. And then there is singing tonight - I've not seen the choristors yet this year so that will hopefully be lots of happy reunions.
My blog tells me I've spelled choristors wrong but a quick look ion the internet says it's ok. I wonder if it's going to be a contradictory day?

Here's an interesting piece that is way longer than I'd usually manage to read before work, but if you can stick with it, I found the latter part inspirational: http://www.psmag.com/navigation/health-and-behavior/toast-story-latest-artisanal-food-craze-72676/

Whatever you do today, from the mundane and mediocre to the life saving, I hope you get to notice that every little thing you do is life changing in some way.

unicorns

The good news is that last night I did not dream about having the tip of my middle finger twisted off by a unicorn (unlike the night before). I don't think I often dream of unicorns, tho I would like to.
Today is so far about softly connecting. Lots of gentle hugs to those who are in need of them. I love the internet for helping me stay in touch - with a friend I've not "spoken" to in aeons and country of residence I'm not even sure of. With nearer beloved friends who are grieving. With each of the communities that I'm part of in real life as well as virtually. I'm still amazed by the outpouring of support following my facebook post saying I'd finally succeeded in sorting things out with Virgin. Maybe I should post there more often when I feel the need for support and not just the times I want to celebrate my successes?
Now on my way in to work I have to go and buy a replacement for that which is lost (dog tag) before an actual loss of the dog. I also have to purchase two lots of cake, neither of which is for me. I shall be on the look out for unicorns.

jammin'

Needed choir tonight - I keep getting a bad head on a wednesdays - might open the office window next week. Anyway, a good sing did the job but even more so as I got to groove. I was given 2 jars of jam, and when we got to practice "Love lift us up where we belong", I picked them up, one in each hand, and danced along and said I was jammin'...
Hope you've had some good grooving today too :D

new start, new number

Three and a third years since my husband left and tonight I FINALLY sorted things with Virgin so the account's now in my name. The woman I spoke to tonight made it easy and for the first time I wasn't in tears after the call. I shall have to try and nominate her for an award.

We nearly fell at the last fence when I discovered I have to change my phone number  I may indeed regret it 'cos there will be about a million people I shall have to inform and that is just a pain in the neck. I decided I'll just have to view it as part of a clean break, fresh start, a bit like cutting my hair when he first left.

But we're going to get free netflix for 6 months so it's all swings and roundabouts. I should only be without internet/phone/TV for up to 13 hours so that's bearable and so much more sensible than the 2 day gap I was quoted before.

And after a day of wishing I'd asked for the land of co-operation at the top of the tree instead, or the land of getting things my own way, it's nice that finally something worked out. I hope you enjoyed whichever land you wished for. 

the wishing chair

Clearing out my daughter's books yesterday we came across Enid Blyton's The Wishing Chair which brought back happy memories of escapism in my own childhood. Today I shall mainly be clambering aboard and winging my way to The Land of Gratitude. So unlike yesterday, every little thing I do shall be noticed and appreciated and the day will end serenely instead of the slanging match that was the culmination of last night :( Of course it will mean I also get to spot all the little things that others do too, instead of striding round in a sulk that it's always me who does everything.
Part of the stress was worrying about today not having any spare minutes in between each happening, so needing to get the room ready for all the people coming knowing that there's not long between getting home from work and then it starting.
So what land would you like to be arriving if you were to climb the Magic Faraway Tree today? Just stay clear of grumpy Saucepan Man in case I never make it to my land ;)

back of the sofa

I do know that the person observing me tomorrow isn't going to be running her finger along the top of the picture shelves. But the house is disgusting, so I am having to make some kind of effort. For some reason this seems to include clearing down the back of the sofa and disinfecting the bin. These jobs probably ought to be done more than once every 5 years right? I so hate cleaning. Anyhow, as I only have 2 hours left before the kids return and have barely scratched the surface, I am of course procrastinating by sharing the treasure trove with you.
The coins were mainly chocolate (without the chocolate still in them) tho there was £1.02. A video game cartridge might be well received, and I'm always happy when a pen turns up as I get through so many. It was mainly unpopped popcorn kernels and fluff, to be honest. Maybe I should do the 2 chairs as well. Or maybe I should just get on with the basics... Or hire a cleaner.
Hope any rummaging in the deep crevasses of your soul today turns up shiny useful things rather than detritus. I'm back to actual cleaning. Honest.

The kitchen's a bit less grimy now. Hurrah. Grateful for all the cheering on I get - I've even been asked two of the questions from my first blog of the day. Didn't work when I tried it on a child tho. I like this pic lots:
http://www.randomactsofkindness.org/kindness-ideas/214-cheer-on-a-teammate

asking better questions

This has inspired me to ask better questions of my kids:
www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/the-questions-that-will-save-your-relationships_b_4618254.html
I ask a lot of questions of a lot of people. I often ask good questions, and I'm often good at listening to the answers, and poking a bit harder to encourage people to explore more. I don't often do it with my kids tho, interestingly.
This morning I participated in my first web chat when I needed support around my work phone not working properly. It was interesting, as the charity I work and volunteer for is about to expand into offering web chat support. I much prefer asking questions face to face as we get so many more clues in response. Over the phone we at least get tone to go on, and pauses. Web based questioning is much harder - the person helping me today did a great job of clarifying exactly what I wanted help with. We don't always know tho do we, exactly what it is we need help with, and that makes e-based support really really hard.
Today is a bit open ended, like the questions I will try and ask. The question I shall focus on for myself is where I notice the love - hope you can all notice it too :D

reach out and touch...

So smooth

Winged

I always knew I was a touchy feely kind of person, but until today hadn't realised just how much I appreciate things in a tactile way. We went to the Hepworth Gallery in the centre of Wakefield, again whole-heartedly recommended.

A gleaming bronze Moore

The extra joy of wood

The thing is, people are not allowed to touch the oh so strokeable exhibits. I understand why. Sticky fingers, the corrosive interplay of chemicals, I do get the dangers. But I still found is so achingly frustrating! Surely a massive part of the appeal of both Henry Moore and Barbara Hepworth's sculptures is just how gorgeous they are to fondle.

Mother and child

 There was one Moore piece that could be touched, with gallery gloves, so I borrowed those for - in the terms of the attendant - "a good feel." But all these amazing pieces were off limits, so I am left feeling somehow bereft that I couldn't connect with them properly. I was, of course, a good girl, and didn't want to spoil them (or get thrown out) but still, I was much happier when we got outside and I could caress the external Hepworth piece.

Redeemed at last 'cos I could touch this one

Yorkshire sculpture park

Probably my favourite - so strokeable!

I can't believe I've not been here before - there are some really inspiring pieces here! If you haven't been here before I highly recommend it, with its very strokeable Henry Moore's and Barbara hepworth's. We haven't made it to the town centre gallery today so will hopefully go tomorrow - I hadn't realised that we could cheerfully spend the whole day in the one place. And there is a fab skyscape room where you can sit and stare at the clouds... I will be back!!!

Wakefield

We left an hour later than planned as my girly slipped over but I've heard she's doing a bit better now. The journey was very rainy and I have never seen so many emergency vehicles on a motorway. I've been more cautious since landing a hair breadth away from being in a multiple pile up on the a6 last weekend, so it took a while but we're in Wakefield now. Really looking forward to the sculpture park and Barbara hepworth gallery tomorrow. Hopefully post pics tomorrow...

Here's my heaven, heart to heart

So, following on from yesterday, I've been thinking about when I've experienced what I'd most like heaven to be like. Here are some times it's felt like heaven:

Any unhurried hanging out with my loved ones - snuggling on the sofa watching TV; chilling under the duvet sharing what's on our minds; tea and cake with a friend whilst we've put the world to rights and had a good old moan about everything that's unfair, secure in the knowledge that we wouldn't be judged but get tons of support.

At retreats I've been on when we all have had chance just to hang out, enjoy each other's company, be fully accepted. Every single NCBI workshop I've ever attended where we have bonded as a group as we got to love each other in such a short space of time.

Communal singing. On a stage, in a church, at a practice. One particular highlight was on the back of a lorry slowly making our way through the streets of Preston, singing "people all over the world, join hands, start a love train, love train" whilst strangers on the street joined hands and joined in :)

When walking amongst hills, opening up or just chatting about random things, at ease, having fun, fresh air, beautiful surroundings, beautiful hearts and minds exposed.

Each of those one to one conversations where I and others have risked sharing a little bit more of ourselves. Maybe whilst walking the dog, or via email, or on social media, or at a work or voluntary home visit. All lovely.

That silliness that drops barriers. Rolling down a hill with a friend. Playing daft group games. Giggling.

Being in it together. One happy time that I hold dear is following the double puncture, having waited hours, we were rescued and piled into the back of the pick up truck. There was something wonderful about the four of us in the back of the overwarm cab, safe despite the roads still being a bit risky.

Any hug ever.

Those dreamtimes when anything is possible. Is it just me that sometimes wakes and feels disappointed, that the icecream in my dream doesn't exist in reality? That the gatherings in my dreams are just not going to happen by day as I have to get up and face the frustrations of the day. Still, despite those pesky tasks on my to-do list, I'm lucky enough to meet heart to heart with people all the time. I'm off on a pastoral visit shortly, and this weekend there's much relaxation scheduled, even a spa. I hope you encounter heaven numerous times today, whatever your heaven looks and feels like. Thanks for listening to, and playing your part in mine :)

Unguarded heaven

I’m one of those people who think that heaven is something we can put our energy into creating on earth, rather than waiting for pie in the sky when we die (tho pie, mmmmm). Part of that is doing what I can to bring about love and peace and other fluffy concepts, and so sometimes I get to think about what my idea of heaven might be. It’ll differ from yours as we all have our own versions of what’s important. I have realised today that something I would really really like is a lack of guardedness. So my picture of heaven is a pile up of people whom I love, all sprawled over one another. No dead arms from the weight tho, it is heaven after all, so there’s no physical problems like that. So just me and my lovelies all contentedly sprawled in one wonderful , unending hug. Nothing we have to do, no deadlines. No concerns about if we’re liked or wanted. No guards up or masks on, just hanging out, happy. Lots of laughter and affection and togetherness.  It’s not an orgy, it’s not a sexual thing, it’s about just being. Tho maybe clothes aren’t needed in heaven cos we won’t be bothered or anxious about what we or others look like, and I’m sure it won’t be chilly. We’ll just be chilling J That might be too much for our earthly heads to grasp tho, so woolly jumpers back on. But can you see what I'm aiming for - a world where we are so at ease with our bodies, so comfortable in our own skin, so assured of our being accepted that we just don't need to hide - even if that's just metaphorical for now.

Some of my happiest times are when I’m with people and they don’t have their guards up. It’s why I am unfazed when people cry, cos I know it’s a letting down of the defences and I think that’s just ace. Tho I realise it’s cos they’re often feeling overwhelmed, and that’s not in itself a happy thing, but in letting it out it can be looked at together.

So if I’m bringing about heaven, I guess it’s important for me to keep looking at where I feel guarded and let the walls down and the love in. Happy heaven making peeps :D

exaggerating

There's something very lovely about being crammed on a stage with about half a million* singing school children. I enjoyed a lot of yesterday, tho spent part of time I could have been sleeping last night, reflecting on how despite what I know, there is still much temptation to talk instead of ask people what they could do. Oh well, today is a new day so I'll try again.
So far progress is only happening slowly and I've not crossed anything off my to do list. Tweezers would not remove the snapped plug prong from the electrical socket. I have a plan b and c before calling in the electrician. I also need to chase the roofers as it's been 4 weeks now. Oh, and do lots of paid work too...
I was pleased to give shoulder massages yesterday to my work colleagues. That's a good way of ensuring longer than 20 second contact with people :D Hope you get lots of oxytocin today too :D

*some exaggeration may have occurred in the writing of this sentence.

observed

I'm being "observed" at something I'm leading next week. This has been making me nervous and today I want to crack on with deciding what topic to cover. I know some people thrive on upcoming deadlines, I've never been one of those people. My homework was always done well before the due date :D So I know I'll feel better once I'm a bit more sure what the evening will be about. But I think what I need to remind myself more than anything else is that I'm ALWSAYS being observed. Just cos someone is coming specially, with pen and notepaper, doesn't mean I'm being judged any more than any of these other sessions I lead. And I'm of the view that it's the little unplanned things we do in our life that tend to ultimately have more significance than the events we sweat over.
I also need to keep remembering how much I like the people coming (even tho ones I don't yet know). I am SO lucky that my line of work is with people for whom UPR is part of how we need to be. In fact maybe I'll do it on UPR as that will set the evening up so people think well of me - hahahahahahahaha.
Hope you get to think well of yourself today, irrespective of how you think others are seeing you. And that your UPR for others overflows in torrents :D

blimey!

I don't know why talking to my broadband provider always reduces me to tears - probably because i rely so much on the link it affords me to my dearest ones. i spoke to them twice yesterday, totalling over an hour, and it included the news that if i do go for the change i think i need to go for, i will be without not just broadband but the phone and tv for two whole days. days that i would need to be here so they could disconnect and then come back to reconnect (*sigh*  surely they can see that sending one person on one visit is so much better for them and not just me??) So it wasn't the best of days. coupled with other scary topics like redundancy and divorce and stuff, it was a bit crappy.

there are always good bits in amongst the crappy bits tho, and I got to order the next in my fab fab series of books. 

Today needs to have much more work in it, but I'm working this eve as well as heading into Blackpool in a bit, so it'll all work out in the end - it always does :D

...

one of the many fab things about my job is the unexpected. I'd not do well in a predictable job. today saw me cleaning spilt curry powder from the insides of the box of "ingredients" we use in our "what's in breastmilk?" demo (every breastfeed is flavoured differently depending on what mums have eaten themselves). I had a bit of a dance at the same time as the radio was on :D

I've also been reading how most hugs last around 3 seconds, but for the oxytocin to take effect hugs need to last at least 20 secs. So next time my hug seems to last longer than socially acceptable, it's cos I care about your good health (and mine too, obviously).

PS, i've no idea how to take the effect off today's blog. hopefully normal service will resume tomorrow...

giggling in the face of homophobia

Giggling together is so good, and there has been much to giggle about on facebook today. Sadly I can't post the links as some were tweets etc, but I'm sure if you have liberal friends on fb yourself you can see them. My favourite was probably the one that was a UKIP extreme weather warning: tonight for the first time, just about half past ten, for the first time in history it's going to start raining men.

Last week someone from UKIP made some statement about recent bad weather being God's response to government sanctioning of gay marriage. My friend and I agreed that hopefully this hasn't stirred homophobia but just created joyous ridicule. Of course it reminds us that there are people who hold these views, but I really hope my gay friends can see the support for equality, and disbelief at such a silly statement. I'm pleased to report that this was the first my 12 year old had heard of such attitudes. We were listening to the news and she asked why would people suggest this, God loves everyone exactly as we all are. I was very pleased that 12 years in a Christian household and a Christian primary school and attending a church and this was the first she'd heard of a link between Christianity and homophobia. Because it certainly still exists and I'm just so glad that she hasn't had to encounter such bigotry yet.

Giggling isn't always the best response - there are times when my outrage/sadness at all the injustice can't do giggles, and converting that passion into challenge is good. But the times we can giggle is a major cause for celebration cos the hate hasn't won, the love has :)

not taking it personally

I think everything we encounter is an opportunity to think, learn and grow. I've been seeing quotes recently along the lines of:
It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it. — Lena Horne
and I definitely agree, it's how we react to all the many things we hear/see/feel. All of us have the potential to feel bad (or good!!) about little or big occurrences all the time. Our own particular hurts get re-stimulated and when we notice that, we choose what to do about it. I use my blog space (and also my weekly co-counselling space) to work out stuff that goes on for me when my buttons get pressed.

Last week something came up and I got to chat with my work colleagues about how I once learned from a fab retreat leader about not avoiding other people's innumerable hurts. I'd asked her if she wasn't worried that she'd be offending people present by talking about a particular thing - she pointed out we can't - and shouldn't - avoid the things that might upset others, but instead listen to how they're upset. It is impossible not to press other people's buttons as we all have so many!! When people's buttons get pressed it can sometimes sound like they are cross with us for pressing those buttons - and some people may indeed even tell us that it's our fault. I DON'T THINK IT IS. I do know tho, from personal experience of pressing other people's buttons inadvertently, that we can sometimes then feel responsible/guilty/cross ourselves. Indeed, the thing about hurts is that they often intersect. Does this next conversation sound familiar to you? Despite my having a reasonable understanding of how hurts hook, I still regularly get into conversations that run a bit like this:

Other person: "It's not fair! (followed by explanation as to what's not fair, in a very emotional ie shouty or whiny voice)
Me: (instantly defensive "I'm try my best" or "it's not always like that" etc etc.

I take it personally. We so want to defend ourselves, and to have our feelings heard too, it's really hard just to acknowledge that is how the other person feels and that they are not necessarily saying it is our fault (even if that's how we perceive it. Or even if they are also yelling "and it's all your fault").

On my really good days (and sometimes after the initial bit of the conversation) I remember, and get to ask them to tell me more about how they feel it's unfair. Not jumping in with our own feelings is really hard. And it gets harder when time is pressing, when you want to sort it out now and don't have the luxury of a whole evening to listen really well, with time to share your own feelings back too so that everyone gets to understand and move forwards. But even our little attempts count :)

So today I wish you all the love in the world so that the next time you feel someone is blaming you for their hurts you can take that breath and remember that their hurts are not your hurts :) And of course I wish the same for myself too as this is the lesson I seem to be needing to learn most right now!!

sabbath

I'm no Biblical scholar. I'm sure there are many who could give me their interpretations on what is bugging me. But I've been musing on the idea that we're supposed to rest on the Sabbath, and have got a bit indignant about it. For me it comes back to the Mary and Martha story again (I've blogged before on how I relate to Martha). I think my hurt around it is wrapped up in how I feel privilege plays out. I suspect it is easier to take a day off when there are still other people around to make things happen. So whether that is classism, or patriarchy, some can sit back knowing that the food will still arrive and clean clothes still be available for the next day. I guess the idea of rest depends on what the concept of work includes, and that much "women's work" isn't viewed as work at all. And the isolated ways we live means that each of us still have to toil every day, there isn't a sharing of the load. If I fully rested today, that puddle of dog vomit might be one hell of a disgusting mess spread across the house by tomorrow.
Also, if I remember rightly, there are suggestions as to what it was felt should and shouldn't be done on the Sabbath, that include seemingly random (from my uneducated perspective) rules around turning on lightbulbs. Some people enjoy cooking and so perhaps that's not work to them. Changing a nappy - some get paid to do it, others don't.
I understand the important of relaxing. Part of my taking time to blog is about taking time to reflect. I may not spend one day in 7 not working, but I do spend a considerable amount of each day reflecting, and connecting. I value having time that is different from other, working, time. I also know I have an ouchy weak spot whereby if I feel someone is suggesting I _ought_ to relax more I want to shout "but who else is going to do all this stuff that needs doing!" I still have much to learn about not taking the world's responsibilities on my shoulders.
I get that the Martha story is about considering our priorities, that we can get so busy with the day to day chores, we miss the opportunities to just be. Today, as every day, I will be doing my usual mixture of dull dreary got-to-be-done activities and trying to find some joy in them; along with new and exciting meeting people I don't yet know. In re-connecting with those I already love I may get chance to moan about the burden of being a single parent, and discover if their communal living is any better. I will be having lots of hanging out time with my girly. Hopefully we'll together learn more about slavery in this area, and maybe I'll be able to ask some Jewish folk to explain a bit more to me about the concept of Sabbath and the historical reasons for the particular traditions. My Sabbath looks lovely doesn't it - hope if you are celebrating yours today, that yours does too.

everybody needs good neighbours

There are several fab events coming up to mark Holocaust Memorial Day, and I'm hoping to join one tomorrow in Lancaster. I hadn't realised that I needed to pre-book places for the "Exploring the journeys of strangers and neighbours" event and in contacting the organiser earlier today, discovered he was worried about there being enough food to go around at the bagel brunch. So I'm taking some bagels along with some cream cheese, and decided it was inappropriate to make reference to performing miracles, as I don't know him yet. Hopefully by the event's end I will.
I'm also hoping to drop off some food for my sick pal en route. I was reminded how we all need to be community to one another. How we can often say "let me know if you need anything" but actually need sometimes to think actively for ourselves as to what might be useful then just get on and do it. Sometimes it won't be welcome - I'm not suggesting we help people just with the "help" we think they need rather than ask what help they actually need. But sometimes we're not in a place where we can ask for the help we need, so any attempts at help from others are better than nothing. My friend's learning is that we can be better neighbours. Next time we know of someone who lives alone who is sick, or even if they don't live alone but everyone in the house is sick, and we ask if there's anything we can do and don't hear back, then we can get specific. We can take a pan of nutritious soup, we can take a jug of a tempting drink, we can just check how they are doing today.

I've been feeling sad that mainly we all live our separate lives and don't often get to notice if our neighbours are sad or struggling. I attempted visiting my lonely neighbour on friday but there was no answer. I wonder how long it will be before I try again? And again I know I can't singlehandedly visit everyone that I know is lonely. Would I be better putting my energy into changing society so we don't all feel so flipping alone??

more more more

As you may already know, I'm not very good at relaxing. Fri night is usually singing, but we're not yet reconvened and I miss my choir mates lots. With no kids and my boyfriend unusually off work, we went out for a meal and then watched TV, but my trouble with being at home is that there are always so many other things to be doing. So last night I kept putting washing out instead of Just Relaxing. Next fri might be easier as we will be away so it will not be possible to keep chipping away at the chores. And today I've booked myself a massage so hopefully that will ease some of the tension that's built up in my body.

I'm aware of how much more there is to be done compared to what I'm doing. I have several friends - and also several not exactly strangers, but people I don't really know so well - who are in need of encouragement right now and sometimes it seems impossible to get it right. This morning I'm being hard on myself for not managing more :(

So I suspect the wisest thing is to take a bit of time out today so that I can give more again next week. Meanwhile, this brought a smile: http://www.wimp.com/dogbeds/

 The old story goes that cats and dogs don't get on. But I guess love can win in all kinds of unexpected ways.

come to

There's been much reluctance here this morning for any of us to get up and going. The good news is I don't have to leave for my workshop for 2 hours, so it's not disasterous that I'm going slow. Tho i did have an extensive list of all I hoped to achieve in these two hours such as visiting, food shopping, and even phoning a company - the kind of task I put off indefinitely.
I recalled a phrase I've not thought of in ages, but my Mum used to describe it as "coming to" - the time needed to get your head into gear having been asleep. I need a little while longer to come to today. Breakfast of course might help!

tender

For giving birth, I had a tape of tracks. I might just go and see if I can find it. One I remember is Blur's tender. "come on come on get through it" was very helpful. I've not played the song in a while but
"love's the greatest thing that we have" is so true.
Tender is my word for the day. I still have the tinges of yesterday's headache playing round the edges of my head. I have just seen the track is nearly 8 mins long which feels excessive. But I suspect we all need way more tenderness than we allow so maybe 8 mins isn't so long after all.
And so today I shall be seeking tenderness - for and with myself. And if there's any capacity left over, I'll see what I can show others too :)

gender matters?

A long while ago I was asked if I thought I'd still be attracted to my then fiance, if he had been a woman. It's one of those impossible to know answers, as we can't do any alternative than the reality, but I thought it an interesting matter to ponder. My book is still so good it's one of those things when living in that world seems more exciting than living in reality. It's currently posing interesting thoughts about gender and love. I'm hoping the main character's homophobia will get challenged but am enjoying his realisation that "loving and bedding" are not the same thing at all. I think there's lots of confusion about love and sex - a very early blog topic. And it's interesting to wonder if a person's gender matters in how we love them. I'm lucky to deeply love several men and women. I don't know if my boyfriend would be my girlfriend if he'd been female - I wasn't looking for a partner when I found him. I personally don't think sexuality is always a fixed thing. Anyway, I'm off in the realms of what ifs now, which isn't usually helpful. Whoever and however you love, I wish you joy :)

careful not tight

I once was voted by a friend the person in the room who cared least about money - there were about 30 of us and one young woman turned to commiserate as if it were a failing, whereas I beamed :) It's true, there's at least a million more things important, and so I pay scant attention to my bank statement, pay slip, debtors etc. So far everything's worked out fine and given that life is short why would I use any of my breathing energy on accounting. And yet I also have been called tight. I do check my receipts and will ask for a 10p discrepancy. My mum taught me that if you take care of the pennies, the pounds take care of themselves. I just don't spend money unless it seems necessary. I endlessly mend and re-purpose things rather than throw away and buy new. In my mind this doesn't make me tight, but careful, and I like to think of myself as generous, and try to give away more than I spend, and where I do spend, I buy with intentionality. So will always pay more and only buy fairtrade bananas, free range eggs. Have I told you all this before? Anyway, today's point. Last night was a bit of a shock.
Breastfeeding and then sharing bits of food from my plate, and then as they grew, having my meal/pudding/snack from their leftovers means feeding my kids has barely cost anything. Washable nappies, passed on clothes and the like means that raising kids has never cost me the astronomic amounts oft quoted. Til now.
No longer choosing from the kids menu, and with consumer desires of their own, it's all turning. Their drinks last night, at £2.45 each, are more than my monthly brew contribution at work. And we looked at coats for my daughter - she has several but none seem particularly warm (to me) or look quite right (to her). How can a girl's coat cost £75? I see now how I have made it thus far on my income with my careful refusal of purchasing. Whilst a bit terrified, I know my creativity and resourcefulness will get me through this next time of wanting to meet my offsprings' desires that are different to my own (tho not agreeing to everything. I'm not that soft. And I still have my principles).
I know writing this is from a place of priviledge. I know for some money worries keep them awake at night and running scared by day. I'm sorry we live in that kind of world and I'm trying to do something about that.
Much love to you today in whatever you do, whatever is motivating you, whatever is holding you back. I hope you find abundance in all that matters to you. xx

dancing

The party, as I knew it would be, was more of a sit and chat (or in my case cry on a shoulder) party than one with dancing. Clearly I needed the cry, but I also need the dancing. I'm in and out with work today but when I'm here (and even maybe when I'm not?!) I think I will try and dance.

fake snow

Number of offspring arguing over spraying snow-in-a-can on windows in December: 2
Number of offspring clamouring to clean it off come January: 0

Time taken for decorating with fake snow: 2 mins
Time taken to remove fake snow: it's still not all gone so...

Cloths needed for removal: more than 4. I only had 4. I then started using a towel but some of it just won't budge.
Irritation level with fake snow: too high to record
Likelihood of this all happening again next year: 100%. I'm too soft.

food glorious food

It wouldn't be some people's idea of gastronomic paradise. And I made it all myself, which is never as good as when someone stirs in their love for you. But yesterday had some good eats for me. My fave thing is cooked tomatoes, and I fried some half cherry tomatoes, and some mushrooms, which along with some very buttery white toast is pretty much my idea of perfection. I also seem to have recently re-discovered an enjoyment of chicken (not real, obv) and mushroom pot noodles, so that was tea sorted. Plenty of chocolate. along the way. All that was missing to complete the day really was perhaps my best friend's coleslaw, made with cream. Or rocket with a balsamic vinegar and oil dressing, with warm popped pumpkin seeds, another fave from another best friend. I have a few best friends, sorry if that seems a bit greedy. I'm just lucky enough to have met several amazing people at different times of my life.
I also treated myself to some apricot juice. I'm not keen on fresh apricots as I don't particularly like them and nor do the kids, so I never buy them. I'm not a fan of dried apricots either. But there's something about apricot juice that's heavenly. Bizarre. I've been reading tho how fruit juice is nutritionally dis-reputable, as it's so sugar laden and no fibre. My hopes of passable parenting dashed once more. Being responsible for my children's eating is a weighty thing for me, esp as I don't enjoy cooking or shopping. The article I read has highlighted just how inadequate my attempts are - we all eat way too much sugar, but enjoy it and I'm not sure - given how many battles we already have - that I'm prepared right now to make things even harder on ourselves. I could relate tho to the claim that we can mistakenly feel pleased with ourselves for reaching our 5 fruit and veg target when it all too often includes 5 fructose heavy fruits (yes, ours often do).
So I'm beginning the day already feeling like a failure, and the difficult task of constantly having to find/prepare meals has just got even trickier. I know any resolve to try harder will get off to a bad start, as yesterday my son concocted a bowl of ingredients as he wanted to make "George's Marvellous Medicine" and I know I'm a fab mum for encouraging that kind of thing. He added flour and the end result is curious so I suggested we try it as pancakes which he wants for breakfast, so we'll see how that goes! Hopefully we can all have a chat today about what healthy food they would like to include this week and we'll take it from there.
Church often cheers me up tho not sure I'm going to manage to persuade the kids this morning. I liked this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/the-unappreciated-pastor/hello-my-name-is-church_b_4124322.html
And we have a party later too (with fizzy drinks no doubt!). Hope you have a day full of food and people you like too.

alarmed

There are many technological advancements for which i'm  incredibly grateful. But lots of things now seem integrated rather than seperate and that can have drawbacks. Recently I've been hankering for the days I could "just" lock my car. Currently, there is an integral alarm that despite reading the manual several times over now, I can't discover a way of disabling. A week ago (exactly a year since the pothole drama that took months to fix properly) the alarm started playing up. Last night it got the point where I simply had to leave the car unlocked rather than risk upsetting the neighbours - it had gone off at work, it had gone off at home in the afternoon (and the dog hadn't even noticed - I'd been relying on that) and then it had gone off endlessly at my boyfriend's. It's impossible to relax watching tele if you're straining to check if an alarm is sounding.
And despite knowing it wasn't even on I couldn't even relax to sleep - I got up at one point just to check if my ears were playing tricks on me (yes they were).
Today is hopefully going to be a relaxing day. Still need to get the house back together post Christmas. And will have to keep thinking what to do about the car. It seems to like its New Year Challenge of me. Hope you get a good ratio of challenge to rest too.

little brain big sky

There are some things my brain can't quite grasp, and the whole space/time thing is one of them - seeing stars that by the time we see them what we are seeing happened so long ago. My little head can't compute. But I love a bit of colour so I enjoyed the excitement of potentially seeing the aurora borealis, tho secretly am glad that then the prediction faded so I don't need to hang round til after midnight after all - there's an early work start tomorrow so maybe staying up half the night would have been a tad foolish. And anyway, we have clouds where I am so it was a no go, tho I'm still cloud gazing as much as possible - it's keeping me calm and optimistic. There was a lesson earlier this week tho as me n the boy headed home from cubs, me with the torch trained on the ground (to avoid dog poo) and him working out where certain stars were and promptly falling over, so I guess it's good to keep a focus on reality, or just stand still awhile when we want to gaze and dream.
Some days my heart feels much much bigger than my brain and whilst it can't span the universe, it's not far off and can encompass loved ones near and far. I hope today that your heart too is broad and wide - yes the world needs our smart thinking, but it also needs as much love as we can manage too :D

perspectives

Hurrah! I've identified why I was dragged down, and now I've put my finger on it, it's much easier to get back up again. Today I want to remember (tho with a kinder tone than perhaps it suggests) "what other people think of you in none of your business." Being concerned as to what others think of me and wanting them to only think well of me is an oldie and I know I can let it get to me, but actually what's important is what _I_ think of me. We are the only ones who know what we are facing/feeling/thinking/doing, and if others judge us on what they perceive from their standpoint, that is their call. Impressionable and interrelated tho we all are, we don't have to let the views of others diminish us.

And so, if I was only to concern myself with what I thought of myself, I'd have work to do. There's definite room for improvement about thinking kindly of myself. If I shed the worry as to what others are making of me, it frees up a whole pile of energy to focus on smiling at how great a job I'm doing of being the love. I've kept a christmas card from a volunteer who said lovely things about me, in case I need to remind myself that there are many who think highly of all I do and all I am. But mainly, I need to remember that it's not what others think that matters at all - they might have it wrong, or they might have it right, they might think I'm the bee's knees or wish I'd never been born. But instead of fretting as to how others see me, my business really is just the art of being myself. Clearly this can be seen as arrogant, an ignoring of other people's perspectives. And of course there are times when other people's perspectives can make a positive difference. I'm very grateful to the friend this week who solidly offered her view that I was doing well. I told her that whilst i didn't wish to accuse her of lying, I did not feel that I was doing well. She didn't try to impose her view, she said that from where she was, she could see I was doing well, and she said it was totally fine for me to feel from my perspective that I wasn't and that I didn't have to pretend I felt otherwise. So I'm not suggesting that I stop listening to other people's perspectives - just that they are only a perspective, like mine is only a perspective and I can choose to work on mine as it's the only one I need to influence :D

all my love, all my kisses

At this time of year, I go through the Christmas cards, cutting some into tags ready for next year, and thinking fondly of each person as I give the card a last look before it goes to be recycled. Inside one to my son I noticed that some of the typed greeting was scribbled out, so I examined the scrawl:
Have a happy, hug filled Christmas!
At first I laughed, but it has added to the sadness that has weighed me down today. Maybe she didn't want to be misunderstood as offering affection to a boy in a world where it gets misinterpreted. How devastating that it starts so young. Or maybe she did this on her cards to all her friends both male and female.
I know we are not born doubting our need to show affection, cos I told you in my blog of 24/11/11 that it was my very young daughter who has encouraged me to put kisses on my messages whether I know the person or not, as we all are in need of love.
Sadly tho our stuff can get in the way of that always being welcomed - there are people I'm not allowed to put kisses at the end of my messages to, and as part of my aim to love people in the way they want to be loved rather than the way I want to love them, I do modify my behaviour to suit.

Thankfully tonight there is singing. I'm in major need of a much overdue singing session. Hopefully that will help me shake off the doubt that there's not enough love in the world, and get me back to playing my part.

take the weather with you

According to my facebook feed, I can see it's not just me who is down in the dumps at the moment. Maybe we all need to watch this?

http://www.upworthy.com/having-a-bad-day-heres-46-powerful-things-you-should-really-hear?c=ufb1

I particularly liked the line "Be the weed that is growing in the cracks between the cement, because it doesn't know it isn't supposed to grow there."

There is speculation as to if the malaise is due to it being January. Or the weather. Tho the current atrocious weather isn't impacting directly on me (apart from a bit of worry about the rain getting in to the holes in my roof and a constant vigilance about clearing up the garden dog poo as I have no idea when the roofer will turn up). In fact, some of the weather is having inspirational impact. I love these pics:
 http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2534548/Michigan-lighthouse-transformed-giant-icicle-freezing-storm.html

And I even got to hear a weather forecast for Mars, which was entertaining. Things will get better, they always do. Meanwhile I shall continue to be awe-struck by weather everywhere.

superglue

We all show and experience love for one another differently. Part of my training means it's important for me to show my love to people by showing that I respect their thinking, and don't want to impose my needs on them as being more important than their needs.

I'm mainly terrified about losing people - not seeing them again, people dying, people moving away,  etc etc. So I always feel particularly pleased with myself when I manage to do any letting go - it's really important to me that I don't let my fear inhibit my respect for people to choose what's best for them. The not letting the fear outweigh the love. I suspect I will do reasonably well around my kids when they are ready to leave home, and I will simultaneously find it incredibly excruciatingly hard. I still have much to learn about really loving people the way they need to be loved, not the way I want to love them. The way I try it involves a lot of trust and risk - by not insisting on what _I_ want and instead encouraging people to get things right for themselves it means people can and do choose to walk away, to not turn up when I've put effort into an event, and generally to not do things the way I would do them ;) I suspect whatever ways we love people, we risk getting hurt, and my way is clearly no better than other people's ways.

As someone who is fiercely independent, I'm wary of coming across as clingy, but underneath that's all I want to do really - cling on desperately and apply superglue!! And sometimes, with my eagerness to respect people's decisions to get things right for themselves, I maybe over compensate, and don't show the degree of anxiety that I sometimes think people wish I would show. My "I trust you to get things right for yourself so if that means doing your own thing then that is ok" can come across as "I don't care if you stay or go, it's no skin off my nose." And yet, after, I am more in touch with how I'm hurting - the possibility of the loss. What if I have got it all wrong and the person doesn't realise that it's my best shot at loving them. And maybe it's not a reasonable attempt at love at all, but a defence mechanism - I don't want to be hurt again by someone going so I try to make out like it's no big deal. I don't know. But for now it's the best I can manage. And I'll keep working on that fear of loss so that I'm freed up to love as boldy, and as honestly as I can.

unconditionally

One of my fave songs of the moment is Katy Perry's "unconditionally", as it embodies a way of being that I aim for. The not blinking at people's insecurities about themselves. Take people's bad days as well as their good. Whilst it's my aim, I of course don't always pull it off. When I'm being shouted at, I don't want to walk through the storm - I want to run off and go and sit somewhere cosy instead. Hanging in there when people are struggling, especially when they are struggling with us, is not a fun path.  But it's what I'm committed to and I believe it is where freedom lies for us all, as it's how we learn that we are all worthy, accepted, and loved - when we kick off, and when we make mistakes, as well as when we are a joy to be around. For me, there's still the battle I have of wishing I had more control over how the other person behaves, but of course we don't, and love is fully embracing how the other person needs to act, even if it involves rejecting us/grumping at us.

Blogger wouldn't let me comment last night that I was still grumpy. For a while it's been telling me of terrible errors. I hope it's not going to go completely as I do like to blog. I will try and remain positive, knowing that there's no obstacle I cannot overcome...
Good luck with your obstacles too - you're not alone remember! xx

unfinished/impatient

I was grumpy in my dreams and I'm grumpy in reality too. I shouldn't have had that evening half cup of coffee - I don't usually drink coffee and when I do it's always before midday. But I thought I'd be sociable and join the others and it would help keep me alert for the driving through the twisty country roads etc etc. So come 2am I'm still saying to myself "just one more thing before I go to bed..."

I'm impatient that the jigsaw isn't finished, I'm fed up that situations I was in a year ago have barely moved forwards, I'm sad that I don't seem to  have much control over how things are.

Someone recently talked about life being like a jigsaw and I know he was empathising about how I was trying to fit things in, but I don't really think the metaphor works for life as jigsaws are just too static. My life feels more like an underwater kaleidoscope, constantly shifting and impossible to pin down. I guess I need to just admire all the beautiful colours rather than bemoan it's complexity and transience.

waiting

Today has so far involved an inordinate amount of time fruitlessly waiting. How frustrating.
But I get home to find my CD has arrived so I'm no longer waiting for that. The news is full of people waiting to see how badly the storm is going to hit. So far it just seems a bit blustery but I guess it would be prudent to take the dog out sooner rather than later.

living

The mission statement/slogan at the company that Walter Mitty worked for, was far too long for me to remember, but ended with "To find each other and to feel. That is the purpose of life." Clearly I like this message - for me there's something about finding each other underneath all the masks and hurts that we display. The strapline for the film is something like stop dreaming start living, and in that spirit I decided I would make an effort and book tickets for something I wanted to go to. I sorted childcare, checked I had someone to go with me etc. Then, despite the site still saying it had available tickets, I discovered it was sold out. I'm still trying to figure what next. For a while I got caught up in the excitement of planning a long weekend trip to Ypres, but now the doubts have set in - the weather might be rubbish for driving, which isn't good if that's what we'd mainly be doing on such a short trip. The world is still my hamster/oyster, and I'll keep thinking what I can do with my child free evening/weekend.
Meanwhile the reality for now is that I need to get off to work. Fortunately, I know the living is in that - we can "find" people wherever we go and don't need to jet off in order to actually live and feel. That's a relief!

films like buses

Last year I went to the cinema once, and it was the first time in a long while. This year I have already been to the cinema!! We went to see The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, which I thoroughly enjoyed - the scenery was lovely (I want to go and see the Northern Lights one day - I was asked the other day if I could go anywhere where would it be, and the answer had to be my spiritual home of Dufton, but if I could go anywhere on a foreign holiday, it would be maybe to Iceland, if that's where I could see the lights - I've not really read up on where the best place to go might be. Just has a quick internet look whilst seeking a picture - am going to have to start saving!!) As it was all to do with photography, it felt atmospheric with its lighting and colours, but also the plot was heartwarming and funny in places, and I really enjoyed the soundtrack.
And then to overload my senses, we watched the much awaited Sherlock, which I enjoyed (tho had to hide for some parts, I don't do tension). And THEN we watched Before Midnight on DVD, which has kept me crying long after the film was over - there was, as with the previous 2 linked films, some great observations on gender, and lots on love and loss. A man died in a car accident yesterday in my town, and the fear of loss overwhelms me at times.
Today there is a bit of work, and we'll see if we can re-arrange the walk that was postponed from yesterday - arranging it with family has sadly proved too tricky :( Tomorrow is an early start at work so no late night for me tonight, tho am looking forwards to a catch up with friends this evening. So the year has started reasonably, making effort to be with people and do stuff rather than slob at home. Hurrah. Hope you're happy with how 2014 has begun for you too.

you're gonna miss me when I'm gone

My children have been incessantly clapping and moving a cup along to The Cup Song, which whilst it has lovely harmonies, I find the frantic clapping and the scraping of the cup a bit irritating if I'm trying to focus on anything else. If you don't know it, you too can get the ear worm here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6y1aOg_UO_A

They have just left, and like the song says, I'm going to miss them when they've gone.
I've remembered tho that it's helpfully the first day of a new month, so have thrown myself into data collecting and report writing. I really hope to get out for a lovely walk later, clear away the doubts and sadness, and make the most of the time I have that I can call my own.