wings

On facebook today I've seen a lovely picture - you'll have to imagine it - of colourful birds snuggled together, with the caption "A beautiful expression of love is to want the best for someone whether it includes you or not." This seems to be apt for me of late - it's so hard tho. And I have friends whose children have flown the nest recently and I can't imagine how hard that must be too - but whilst I can have empathy there's no point me worrying about that for myself too yet - plenty enough to concern me right now without jumping that gun! We have to feel so secure in ourselves to be able to put our wanting to be in someone else's life aside so that they can choose for themselves to go it alone. The more we can heal our old doubts as to if we were really wanted in the first place (just the way we are, our gender, our misbehaving, our numerous inabilities to live up to whoever's expectations we were listening to); how we kept getting overlooked when the captain was picking the sports team one by one in school PE; the friends and the lovers who walked or never seemed to make the same effort back... all those incidents that got us wondering if we were really really totally and completely wanted, anything that stopped us recognising we are vitally important. When we've healed enough from all that, I guess we can keep our hearts open wide enough to let people fully in, and then not try and grasp at them but let them - if that's what's right for them - continue on or away without us.

It's entirely possible I've gone on and on about this in my blogs before - I've not done a search as I'm simultaneously (look away now Dad) trying to cook tea and get the house ready for a meeting I'm hosting, as well as keep half an ear out for warring kids who still need to do homework/get ready for cubs. But this has been on my mind a lot these last few years, and the fb image reminded me of it so much.

It's tricky cos I know it involves the feelings of both parties - maybe the one who wants to not include the other anymore is protesting to check that the other values them - I know when I threaten to leave my job it's usually cos I just want someone to go - "but Kristie, it's so wonderful to have you here, doing what you do so brilliantly!" Maybe the leaving party wants us to show we'd fight for them to stay?

When one of my best friends moved away it was a tricky tightrope - I was so gutted, and yet so delighted that she'd chosen what is right for her.

I wish you could see the picture - we are all so bright and beautiful - and our wings offer us so much. Right now I think I'd best not burn the tea...