I got up in the middle of the night to repeatedly iron my girly's PE socks. She had told me on Friday that her kit needed washing as she'd had cross country running, but we dived straight off to Messy Church and no-one remembered to do anything with the kit until I was checking something last night and suddenly recalled the conversation. Cue lots of stress and handwashing. I don't have a tumble dryer. Awake in the middle of the night stressing about just how much I have to do today, I figured that if I ironed them the heat would help them dry. They were mainly dry when shoved back in the bag this morning but not completely so. I have concluded I'm not organised or patient enough to be a parent. Yesterday involved a lot of frustrated parenting and wasn't helped by declaring loudly how much I hate parenting at times.
I did enjoy a moment of joy walking back from church when a lad of maybe around 10 exclaimed delightedly "Did you see that squirrel?" I enthused that I had, "wasn't it wonderful!" We get loads of squirrels in our garden but I love that it's an excitement to people, and it reminded me of when I visited friends in London and pointed out the overhead aeroplane to my toddler. As our hosts were on the Heathrow flightpath the plane was unnoticed and unremarkable to them.
There is no way I can do everything on today's list so I guess I will just prioritise - none of it is life threatening so I don't know why I've got so stressed about it...
Monday, 30 September 2013
Sunday, 29 September 2013
sparkling black ink and white feathers
My book group book is - as lots of my book group books have been - not something I'd have picked to read. But I'm thoroughly enjoying it, a magical read in more ways than one, and I love that some of the pages have lines and stars - someone clever somewhere has made black ink seem to sparkle. It does seem to match the quotes on the front, such as dazzling and enchanting - or maybe I have been duped, as that is what the book is about - how we see what we have been made to see.
A long train journey meant that I not only got to read a good chunk then, but as I was so tired when I got back I couldn't bear an evening in front of my computer so read in the bath too, and feel thoroughly relaxed. Result. The temptation this morning was to "just make a start" on either of the enormous action lists from both yesterdays and Friday's meetings, whilst the children aren't here before church. But I'm not. If I work today too that becomes far-too-many-work-days-in-a-row.
I sat beside a family on the train and had some great conversations with the 6 year old. As she was getting up to disembark, she pulled a white feather from behind my ear. This seemed very fitting given my novel about illusions - I asked if it was hers or if she'd found it there. She told me it was there already, I said she could keep it (walking into my work meeting with a white feather behind my ear was not the look I was going for with my new boss). I was then particularly pleased with myself for after a rummage in my bag I was able to find another for her younger sister - it would have been a mean gift to the mother if i'd only given a feather to one of her children.
These are my favourite kind of gifts - random as opposed to forced (because it is Christmas) and free and already in existence rather than expensive and produced from a resource that could have stayed put/been made into something useful instead of clutter destined for landfill. But the best gifts are our time and thoughts. I have several friends who are grieving and my hope is I can show my love/hold them somehow. When I'm sad and lonely that's what I want most of all, to be held. When we're apart from those we love that's just not possible. The conjourers do all kinds of tricks - I'm wondering if I can somehow convey across the distance the warmth of my hug or hand. If you feel a squeeze later, you know I managed it ;)
A long train journey meant that I not only got to read a good chunk then, but as I was so tired when I got back I couldn't bear an evening in front of my computer so read in the bath too, and feel thoroughly relaxed. Result. The temptation this morning was to "just make a start" on either of the enormous action lists from both yesterdays and Friday's meetings, whilst the children aren't here before church. But I'm not. If I work today too that becomes far-too-many-work-days-in-a-row.
I sat beside a family on the train and had some great conversations with the 6 year old. As she was getting up to disembark, she pulled a white feather from behind my ear. This seemed very fitting given my novel about illusions - I asked if it was hers or if she'd found it there. She told me it was there already, I said she could keep it (walking into my work meeting with a white feather behind my ear was not the look I was going for with my new boss). I was then particularly pleased with myself for after a rummage in my bag I was able to find another for her younger sister - it would have been a mean gift to the mother if i'd only given a feather to one of her children.
These are my favourite kind of gifts - random as opposed to forced (because it is Christmas) and free and already in existence rather than expensive and produced from a resource that could have stayed put/been made into something useful instead of clutter destined for landfill. But the best gifts are our time and thoughts. I have several friends who are grieving and my hope is I can show my love/hold them somehow. When I'm sad and lonely that's what I want most of all, to be held. When we're apart from those we love that's just not possible. The conjourers do all kinds of tricks - I'm wondering if I can somehow convey across the distance the warmth of my hug or hand. If you feel a squeeze later, you know I managed it ;)
Saturday, 28 September 2013
speed
Got to dash - train to catch - so ironically thought I'd share this, from a fab friend this week:
http://embed.ted.com/talks/gavin_pretor_pinney_cloudy_with_a_chance_of_joy.html
Love it - all about slowing down and marvelling at the mundane.
I was v kindly given some damsons last weekend and despite 2 people telling me the stones would rise to the surface when I simmered them, both times I did the stewing it, didn't work. In the end I got my fingers in to de-stone them - messy but effective. And I concluded I'm from a generation who expect their food to be convenient, dealt with before we get our hands on it, rather than spending hours (seriously) trying to get the insides out.
So today, I'll be looking for where I need to get my hands dirty rather than stand back and wait for it all to be done for me. And will seek out the glorious in the everyday. V grateful for all who encourage me in these things - you are brilliant!!
http://embed.ted.com/talks/gavin_pretor_pinney_cloudy_with_a_chance_of_joy.html
Love it - all about slowing down and marvelling at the mundane.
I was v kindly given some damsons last weekend and despite 2 people telling me the stones would rise to the surface when I simmered them, both times I did the stewing it, didn't work. In the end I got my fingers in to de-stone them - messy but effective. And I concluded I'm from a generation who expect their food to be convenient, dealt with before we get our hands on it, rather than spending hours (seriously) trying to get the insides out.
So today, I'll be looking for where I need to get my hands dirty rather than stand back and wait for it all to be done for me. And will seek out the glorious in the everyday. V grateful for all who encourage me in these things - you are brilliant!!
Friday, 27 September 2013
swords
I support new parents so I cannot possibly moan about how little sleep I had. However one of the tricky things about being in a relationship with someone who works nights, is that on the occasional evening that we spend time together, we are in different zones. I'm not only up this morning to help get the kids ready for school before going straight off to work myself - I also need to be out of the house tomorrow morning at daft o clock to catch the first train to Birmingham. He can sleep til midday both days and makes no sense for him to go to sleep my ideal side of midnight. We have been watching Game of Thrones - it's then no surprise that my dreams involved sword-wielding and fear - who is the enemy? - tho in my dream setting, at a Cathedral wedding. I was watching last night and caught myself thinking "she shouldn't have told someone who she is!" - which is so the opposite of what I actually believe - which is that we shouldn't hide who we are for fear of others finding out. That trust is the only way to build relationships tho it brings with it the risk of exposure, of being let down, of having a sword through your ribs.
I've been struggling of late with the line in the Bible that goes "I have come not to bring peace but a sword". As someone who wants to bring peace but has recently felt that in some places I have been divisive, which has broken my heart, I have never found an understanding of this verse. So I'm really pleased to have read this, which focuses on how we can challenge traditional powerful hierarchies:
http://www.jesusradicals.com/%E2%80%9Ci-have-come-not-to-bring-peace-but-a-sword%E2%80%9D/
I'm going to look out today for where I'm reluctant to trust, and make sure I spend no time at all wary of anyone bearing weapons. Big love :D
I've been struggling of late with the line in the Bible that goes "I have come not to bring peace but a sword". As someone who wants to bring peace but has recently felt that in some places I have been divisive, which has broken my heart, I have never found an understanding of this verse. So I'm really pleased to have read this, which focuses on how we can challenge traditional powerful hierarchies:
http://www.jesusradicals.com/%E2%80%9Ci-have-come-not-to-bring-peace-but-a-sword%E2%80%9D/
I'm going to look out today for where I'm reluctant to trust, and make sure I spend no time at all wary of anyone bearing weapons. Big love :D
Thursday, 26 September 2013
not impossible
I'm amused by one of my things on today's to-do list: "don't make my son's lunch". It's because there's a school special lunch tomorrow instead of him taking a packed lunch. So I've already and always done this but can't really cross it off as really it's later I need to remember _not_ to do it. I'm still sad today but that's fine - sad things have been happening so it's ok to be sad. Not having enough fluids probably isn't helping so I've just made myself a hot chocolate coffee - not something i ever do. I've found two teaspoons in the hot choc jar (no wonder I always run short of teaspoons). I've decided the learning is if you don't do something yourself, you don't know what others are doing. So I'm thinking of trying something ridiculous. To go away on a work conference for two night - MIDWEEK. Most of my colleagues go every year. I've never been. Even thinking of all I'd have to organise has me sighing. Already this week I've paid more on babysitting than I have earned - the costs (and not just financial) of not being here to parent can feel very high. And don't get me started on the dog... But it shouldn't have to feel impossible. I have 2 months to sort it, I'm a woman of great creativity - I can do most things if I put my mind to it.
Right now I'm putting my mind to making today's to do list a bit funner - I've obviously not got the right things on my list as I've done lots this morning but not crossed a single thing off...
New list:
Listen to new album of one of my fave bands.
Remind my friends how much they mean to me
Do all those things that continually need doing but never make the list - washing, dishwashing, pet feeding etc
Sort something for the entire rest of the year that i normally manage only a month at a time (woo, go me!)
Mind hug loads of lovelies
Locate missing spoons
Treat myself
Hope your actual/mental/not even thought out list has lovely things on it too :)
Right now I'm putting my mind to making today's to do list a bit funner - I've obviously not got the right things on my list as I've done lots this morning but not crossed a single thing off...
New list:
Listen to new album of one of my fave bands.
Remind my friends how much they mean to me
Do all those things that continually need doing but never make the list - washing, dishwashing, pet feeding etc
Sort something for the entire rest of the year that i normally manage only a month at a time (woo, go me!)
Mind hug loads of lovelies
Locate missing spoons
Treat myself
Hope your actual/mental/not even thought out list has lovely things on it too :)
Wednesday, 25 September 2013
funeral
sometimes the "highly unlikely" comes to pass after all. I was unexpectedly able to go to my neighbour's funeral. I'm glad, I shall miss her. The words at the end of the service were great - tho led by an Anglican Minister they were the URC words of her church - I have found them online and share them below as it's a great call to us all as to how we can live and grieve.
I have bought ready made mashed potato for the first time ever. All I want to do when the kids get home is cuddle up to them, so I chose tea with minimum prep. My girly wants to audition for The Sound Of Music at her school and as we've still never seen it, tonight (before choir) is the night to camp under the duvet. Perfect.
God, source of all life,
mysterious, profound, generous in love,
we give thanks because we have seen you in N.
We give thanks for his/her life;
for all that he/she was,
and for all that he/she gave of himself/herself
to his/her family, to friends,
to the community of faith in the Church,
to the world of work
and to the wider community.
We thank you for….
We give thanks
for what he/she was to each one of us.
We give thanks that he/she was such a person
that we are moved to grief and sorrow by his/her loss.
Help us, through his/her death,
to see more clearly the significance of life
and to grasp more firmly the hope
that we are more than our years
and that love is stronger than death.
We pray for ourselves,
disturbed by the great mystery of death,
facing the questions it raises and the loss it brings.
We pray that we will not be overwhelmed,
but may face honestly what confronts us,
so that we may sorrow freely
and turn to life again
with courage and with hope.
As we honour N
we commit ourselves to care for each other,
to bring hope to the despairing,
and joy to those who sorrow.
God, be with us here this day
and in all the days to come.
May we live as those who remember the past
and who have hope for the future.
We pray in the name of Jesus Christ
our Lord and our Redeemer.
I have bought ready made mashed potato for the first time ever. All I want to do when the kids get home is cuddle up to them, so I chose tea with minimum prep. My girly wants to audition for The Sound Of Music at her school and as we've still never seen it, tonight (before choir) is the night to camp under the duvet. Perfect.
God, source of all life,
mysterious, profound, generous in love,
we give thanks because we have seen you in N.
We give thanks for his/her life;
for all that he/she was,
and for all that he/she gave of himself/herself
to his/her family, to friends,
to the community of faith in the Church,
to the world of work
and to the wider community.
We thank you for….
We give thanks
for what he/she was to each one of us.
We give thanks that he/she was such a person
that we are moved to grief and sorrow by his/her loss.
Help us, through his/her death,
to see more clearly the significance of life
and to grasp more firmly the hope
that we are more than our years
and that love is stronger than death.
We pray for ourselves,
disturbed by the great mystery of death,
facing the questions it raises and the loss it brings.
We pray that we will not be overwhelmed,
but may face honestly what confronts us,
so that we may sorrow freely
and turn to life again
with courage and with hope.
As we honour N
we commit ourselves to care for each other,
to bring hope to the despairing,
and joy to those who sorrow.
God, be with us here this day
and in all the days to come.
May we live as those who remember the past
and who have hope for the future.
We pray in the name of Jesus Christ
our Lord and our Redeemer.
Tuesday, 24 September 2013
wings
On facebook today I've seen a lovely picture - you'll have to imagine it - of colourful birds snuggled together, with the caption "A beautiful expression of love is to want the best for someone whether it includes you or not." This seems to be apt for me of late - it's so hard tho. And I have friends whose children have flown the nest recently and I can't imagine how hard that must be too - but whilst I can have empathy there's no point me worrying about that for myself too yet - plenty enough to concern me right now without jumping that gun! We have to feel so secure in ourselves to be able to put our wanting to be in someone else's life aside so that they can choose for themselves to go it alone. The more we can heal our old doubts as to if we were really wanted in the first place (just the way we are, our gender, our misbehaving, our numerous inabilities to live up to whoever's expectations we were listening to); how we kept getting overlooked when the captain was picking the sports team one by one in school PE; the friends and the lovers who walked or never seemed to make the same effort back... all those incidents that got us wondering if we were really really totally and completely wanted, anything that stopped us recognising we are vitally important. When we've healed enough from all that, I guess we can keep our hearts open wide enough to let people fully in, and then not try and grasp at them but let them - if that's what's right for them - continue on or away without us.
It's entirely possible I've gone on and on about this in my blogs before - I've not done a search as I'm simultaneously (look away now Dad) trying to cook tea and get the house ready for a meeting I'm hosting, as well as keep half an ear out for warring kids who still need to do homework/get ready for cubs. But this has been on my mind a lot these last few years, and the fb image reminded me of it so much.
It's tricky cos I know it involves the feelings of both parties - maybe the one who wants to not include the other anymore is protesting to check that the other values them - I know when I threaten to leave my job it's usually cos I just want someone to go - "but Kristie, it's so wonderful to have you here, doing what you do so brilliantly!" Maybe the leaving party wants us to show we'd fight for them to stay?
When one of my best friends moved away it was a tricky tightrope - I was so gutted, and yet so delighted that she'd chosen what is right for her.
I wish you could see the picture - we are all so bright and beautiful - and our wings offer us so much. Right now I think I'd best not burn the tea...
It's entirely possible I've gone on and on about this in my blogs before - I've not done a search as I'm simultaneously (look away now Dad) trying to cook tea and get the house ready for a meeting I'm hosting, as well as keep half an ear out for warring kids who still need to do homework/get ready for cubs. But this has been on my mind a lot these last few years, and the fb image reminded me of it so much.
It's tricky cos I know it involves the feelings of both parties - maybe the one who wants to not include the other anymore is protesting to check that the other values them - I know when I threaten to leave my job it's usually cos I just want someone to go - "but Kristie, it's so wonderful to have you here, doing what you do so brilliantly!" Maybe the leaving party wants us to show we'd fight for them to stay?
When one of my best friends moved away it was a tricky tightrope - I was so gutted, and yet so delighted that she'd chosen what is right for her.
I wish you could see the picture - we are all so bright and beautiful - and our wings offer us so much. Right now I think I'd best not burn the tea...
drumming
We went for the support act, but Charlotte Church's set was better than I expected - I've not been to a gig that was so small yet so "staged" - the lighting was really impressive, and I was mesmerised by the drumming. There were 2 drum sets in use at the same time, and I love to see someone really immersed in what they are doing -their drumming was full bodied. I think I was particularly interested in the drumming as my son wants to take it up (note to self, must actually sort lessons. Buying the drumsticks and promising lessons is not enough). I like drumming (this may change if he ever gets his own drumkit). This may surprise you but I was chief percussionist in my high school orchestra. I never much liked the high hat or snare drum, but enjoyed the timpani, using the soft sticks, and got goose bumps when they were used on a cymbal tonight. I also have very fond memories of a brilliant weekend whilst I was living in Ireland - I saw a poster advertising an African drumming weekend in the beautiful Connemara area so booked on and turned up, not knowing anyone, and had such a wonderful weekend of rhythm, connection, and scenery.
Going out on a school night feels a tad reckless - it was struggle enough to get up this morning, so thought I'd write this now in case I have no spare minutes before work. I'd best get to bed, but I wish you much joy as you fully immerse yourself in whatever your day holds, with loads of rhythm, connection and some inspirational scenery too if you're lucky :)
Going out on a school night feels a tad reckless - it was struggle enough to get up this morning, so thought I'd write this now in case I have no spare minutes before work. I'd best get to bed, but I wish you much joy as you fully immerse yourself in whatever your day holds, with loads of rhythm, connection and some inspirational scenery too if you're lucky :)
Monday, 23 September 2013
no Plan
When you can really relate to someone's situation it can make it easier to empathise. And yet it can also make it so much harder as it can kick you straight back into your own pain. I was able to get close to someone in church yesterday because her grief was not my grief. I was also able to cuddle up to my sad girly last night, but couldn't do it without crying myself as her feelings of loss are so similar to mine.
Today is supposed to be a day of celebration - if my boyfriend is well enough, we're off for a whole evening of food and music. I don't believe in a God of a Big minutely executed Plan, who thought "right, i'll make it so Kristie loves autumn so she'll get married then and I'll ensure her boyfriend of later on is born on that same day cos that will be interesting to see how she handles that." I also refuse to believe that I'm being tested with all these unending challenges this year. I do believe in a God who stays alongside me no matter how bloody hard it is.
I've remembered that Buddhist teaching that I love - when you feel in need of encouragement, encourage others. Maybe once I've powered through some of these things on my to do list, it is the perfect day to don my flowers in my hair and go out into my town and see who else needs a big hug today.
Today is supposed to be a day of celebration - if my boyfriend is well enough, we're off for a whole evening of food and music. I don't believe in a God of a Big minutely executed Plan, who thought "right, i'll make it so Kristie loves autumn so she'll get married then and I'll ensure her boyfriend of later on is born on that same day cos that will be interesting to see how she handles that." I also refuse to believe that I'm being tested with all these unending challenges this year. I do believe in a God who stays alongside me no matter how bloody hard it is.
I've remembered that Buddhist teaching that I love - when you feel in need of encouragement, encourage others. Maybe once I've powered through some of these things on my to do list, it is the perfect day to don my flowers in my hair and go out into my town and see who else needs a big hug today.
Sunday, 22 September 2013
autumn days
I love the colour, the light, the smells and textures of autumn. The light that is fresher, thinner somehow in spring, seems to be richer, and more contented somehow come this time of year. I've been wearing oranges, and browns and reds and my yellow ray-of-sunshine scarf. So lying in bed this morning, recalling that my diary said today is the first day of autumn, brought a smile to my face - not least because I thought it meant an accompanying extra hour to play with. Checking the internet, I learned that I have another 5 weeks to go before I get my bonus 60 minutes. So I'm now late for church. But will enjoy all the autumn offers on the way...
Saturday, 21 September 2013
logic puzzle
for some reason at the moment planning weekends seems a bit like trying to solve one of those logic puzzles about getting chickens/foxes across a river. I'm about to be picked up for a work day in birmingham - should be good to catch up with lovely folk from around the country. and will take my phone so i can continue to work out the next steps/laps across the river...
hope you have a fun time with whoever crosses your path/sails in your boat today :D
hope you have a fun time with whoever crosses your path/sails in your boat today :D
Friday, 20 September 2013
robotic tendencies
I really enjoyed hearing about the latest developments in my friend's life and wanted to comment on her blog posting. To do so, I had to have several attempts at the "proving I'm not a robot" test. I thought I'd see if the audio was any easier - blimey, have you ever listened to one? I couldn't make out anything. Maybe I am a robot? I reverted to the text and got there in the end. I do hope today's not going to be too challenging. I'm running a workshop shortly - the last few I've done haven't had many attendees so it's been an intimate chat between a few people. Today there are 20 people signed up. There is a free lunch. I wonder if these two facts are connected. I'm taking some leftovers in case the free lunch doesn't stretch between us all. I also feel incredibly nervous. Maybe I'm always this nervous and just forget? One of the great things about my job is that it's not robotic at all, it's all about responding to what comes up. I'm good at that, tho 20 people sounds like a lot to respond to simultaneously. I guess teachers do way more than that all the time. I'm sure it will be fine.
Thursday, 19 September 2013
loveliness
I've had chance to check my fb today, so it's already a less fraught day than yesterday. And a lovely friend responded to my plea-for-tlc blog of yesterday so that was good. How do people get by without lovely friends?
Need to run. In the rain. I've already met one person I connected well with tho at work this morning so will keep my eyes peeled for loveliness. It's definitely out there (and in here)...
Need to run. In the rain. I've already met one person I connected well with tho at work this morning so will keep my eyes peeled for loveliness. It's definitely out there (and in here)...
Wednesday, 18 September 2013
monopoly, but not in a fun game way
crappy crappy crappy day in a crappy week. I enjoyed 2 really fab weeks around my birthday, feeling really content, and don't want to lose hold of that feeling even now it looks like we're back to Challenge Central.
I don't know how other working single parents do it and I take my hat off to them. I simply can't seem to fit everything in that needs doing, and it just takes a small obstacle for me to topple into meltdown. Today's is the uniform shop. My son last week put his elbow through one of his school jumpers and another is too small leaving just one new one that I got him when I was semi-organised back in July. As he gets it dirty every day without fail, I need more than one, so I went again this afternoon for the 4th time in the last couple of weeks, and they still have none in stock and the next delivery isn't due til next week now. There is no other place I can get it from - they are the only stockist, and I asked today if there was anyone I could ring or anything to hurry the process and no there isn't. So I leave feeling like an inadequate mother for not foreseeing this back in July when I should have just ordered 3 and been done with. This is compounded by stuff it's not fair for me to blog about so is really just the icing on a crappy cake of feeling inadequate parentally.
On the plus side I actively took my lunch break today - normally I work through it unpaid - and purchased every vegetarian source of iron I could find in Lidl as I'm also worrying that maybe we don't get enough iron in our diets. So tonight we've made chocolate and apricot and seed flapjacks. I'd hoped to make prune and almond brownies but maybe we'll do that next week. Might as well get our nutrients in a chocolate coated way :)
I don't know how other working single parents do it and I take my hat off to them. I simply can't seem to fit everything in that needs doing, and it just takes a small obstacle for me to topple into meltdown. Today's is the uniform shop. My son last week put his elbow through one of his school jumpers and another is too small leaving just one new one that I got him when I was semi-organised back in July. As he gets it dirty every day without fail, I need more than one, so I went again this afternoon for the 4th time in the last couple of weeks, and they still have none in stock and the next delivery isn't due til next week now. There is no other place I can get it from - they are the only stockist, and I asked today if there was anyone I could ring or anything to hurry the process and no there isn't. So I leave feeling like an inadequate mother for not foreseeing this back in July when I should have just ordered 3 and been done with. This is compounded by stuff it's not fair for me to blog about so is really just the icing on a crappy cake of feeling inadequate parentally.
On the plus side I actively took my lunch break today - normally I work through it unpaid - and purchased every vegetarian source of iron I could find in Lidl as I'm also worrying that maybe we don't get enough iron in our diets. So tonight we've made chocolate and apricot and seed flapjacks. I'd hoped to make prune and almond brownies but maybe we'll do that next week. Might as well get our nutrients in a chocolate coated way :)
Tuesday, 17 September 2013
525600 minutes
Today of course had just the right number of minutes in it, like it does every day. Only it didn't quite feel like it. I could have done with an extra few between everything else - enough time to have sat to eat the large hunk of Battenburg I cut to go with my re-heated half mug of tea, instead of cramming it in my mouth whilst simultaneously making tomorrow's packed lunches.
Sometimes I catch myself successfully slotting in another task whilst seamlessly attending to another, and congratulate myself on the way I thought to feed the dog whilst passing through the kitchen with dishes. Mostly however, I notice all that I've not managed to keep on top of as I pick my way through the obstacle course of (fallen and hence unpicked and wasted) apples in the unmown grass, having to use the back door as I've not got round to getting a spare key cut and had lent mine to my girly. Sigh.
Tomorrow's to do list in my work diary has already filled the A5 page so doesn't bode any better. Not even time to find something uplifting from the internet to counteract this downbeat blog. Sorry 'bout that. Feel free to share one of your own in the comments below...
Sometimes I catch myself successfully slotting in another task whilst seamlessly attending to another, and congratulate myself on the way I thought to feed the dog whilst passing through the kitchen with dishes. Mostly however, I notice all that I've not managed to keep on top of as I pick my way through the obstacle course of (fallen and hence unpicked and wasted) apples in the unmown grass, having to use the back door as I've not got round to getting a spare key cut and had lent mine to my girly. Sigh.
Tomorrow's to do list in my work diary has already filled the A5 page so doesn't bode any better. Not even time to find something uplifting from the internet to counteract this downbeat blog. Sorry 'bout that. Feel free to share one of your own in the comments below...
Monday, 16 September 2013
Daily Fail
My friend was asked an impossible question, about describing the backgrounds of some youngsters he's working with. No matter what descriptors he'd used to answer - maybe class, or race, or where they live, it would have involved sweeping generalisations. He spoke of their circumstances, and I knew he meant no ill of the two of us there who are single parents, or my Dad who battled with alcoholism whilst raising me. We all use short hand to try and paint pictures. And of course our circumstances often impact upon our opportunities and outcomes. It can be really hard to separate out situations from the people in them. Poverty and institutionalised injustices such as the ATOS system, need flagging up. Where people are struggling around money, addiction, health issues, or emotional insecurity, the impact is likely to be felt by wider families and communities and we all need to speak out and take action. But how do we do this without the scapegoating that can happen in the media, that children are suffering because they have single parents, or are on benefits, etc etc?
Every single one of us has our own battles that can affect how well we parent/contribute to society/feel about ourselves - some of these struggles are more public than others. Most of our situations are not ones of our own making - we don't choose ill health, or can feel forced into poor decisions about our health that have later consequences (such as insufficient support to get breastfeeding off to a good start or consider it a possibility; peer pressure to smoke, and so on). I didn't choose to be a single parent and that wound is still very much unhealed, so I know I'm massively sensitive and defensive about it. (And even if we actively choose situations, judgements don't help any of us.) Like every other human being in whatever circumstance, I am doing my best, and don't wish myself or my children to be judged by the label.
I once witnessed a very powerful coming together of two Irish people who were desperate to know the backgrounds of the other, a quick yet so deep labelling as to Catholic or Protestant. The amazing leader encouraged them to stand before one another and feel how scary it was not to know, and all that that meant. To try to get to know someone irrespective of their labels and history.
I'm really glad my friend is working with the youngsters he's chosen to be with. He's ace at showing love for people even when they're not so keen on showing any love themselves. He's both bothered as to what has gone on in a person's life beforehand - he'll listen til the cows come home/sirens stop blaring (for a more accurately urban image). But also he's not bothered - he knows a person's background doesn't limit our potential, needn't prevent us from interacting as equals with any other person on the planet, and I know he'll help show them that, when others might not. They are lucky kids :D
Every single one of us has our own battles that can affect how well we parent/contribute to society/feel about ourselves - some of these struggles are more public than others. Most of our situations are not ones of our own making - we don't choose ill health, or can feel forced into poor decisions about our health that have later consequences (such as insufficient support to get breastfeeding off to a good start or consider it a possibility; peer pressure to smoke, and so on). I didn't choose to be a single parent and that wound is still very much unhealed, so I know I'm massively sensitive and defensive about it. (And even if we actively choose situations, judgements don't help any of us.) Like every other human being in whatever circumstance, I am doing my best, and don't wish myself or my children to be judged by the label.
I once witnessed a very powerful coming together of two Irish people who were desperate to know the backgrounds of the other, a quick yet so deep labelling as to Catholic or Protestant. The amazing leader encouraged them to stand before one another and feel how scary it was not to know, and all that that meant. To try to get to know someone irrespective of their labels and history.
I'm really glad my friend is working with the youngsters he's chosen to be with. He's ace at showing love for people even when they're not so keen on showing any love themselves. He's both bothered as to what has gone on in a person's life beforehand - he'll listen til the cows come home/sirens stop blaring (for a more accurately urban image). But also he's not bothered - he knows a person's background doesn't limit our potential, needn't prevent us from interacting as equals with any other person on the planet, and I know he'll help show them that, when others might not. They are lucky kids :D
Sunday, 15 September 2013
time/space compression
We were watching Chariots of Fire in church last night. I ran there, as I'd not allowed enough time. I also ran a bit back as it was blooming freezing, and I was keen to get out of the dark. I don't really get running, but it's convenient when I've done my usual trick of not allowing anytime to get in between home and where I'm supposed to be. It happened on wednesday too, and I reflected that when I'm 80 I'm not going to be able to employ such tactics. So, I have 40 years to get the hang of allowing enough time to actually get somewhere and not just think I can compress time and space.
I'd led Sunday School in the morning and thoroughly enjoyed it. We were thinking about Martin Luther King. At one point we did such a fab prayer that I want to use it in all kind of situations. You face a partner and think of all the ways you would like to feel free, or think of ways in which others don't feel free. Earlier this year we've campaigned in Sunday school about child domestic workers, so that was an obvious one, but we also thought about health, poverty, racism... and the ways we are personally held captive are numerous. Your partner pins your arms to your side whilst you are thinking/praying and then releases your arms so that you're then no longer bound but free to flap your arms like a bird. Then you swap. I just dreamed about using it with adults in another setting when I was unexpectedly called upon "Kristie will now lead us in prayer." I love encouraging people to pray in non traditional ways. In some ways it's hard to imagine people would go for it, but I'll have to create opportunities where it could happen. Today I'm feeling a little trapped by labels, by my insecurities. I think it's maybe time to go and buy tea in for tonight, flapping my arms en route...
I'd led Sunday School in the morning and thoroughly enjoyed it. We were thinking about Martin Luther King. At one point we did such a fab prayer that I want to use it in all kind of situations. You face a partner and think of all the ways you would like to feel free, or think of ways in which others don't feel free. Earlier this year we've campaigned in Sunday school about child domestic workers, so that was an obvious one, but we also thought about health, poverty, racism... and the ways we are personally held captive are numerous. Your partner pins your arms to your side whilst you are thinking/praying and then releases your arms so that you're then no longer bound but free to flap your arms like a bird. Then you swap. I just dreamed about using it with adults in another setting when I was unexpectedly called upon "Kristie will now lead us in prayer." I love encouraging people to pray in non traditional ways. In some ways it's hard to imagine people would go for it, but I'll have to create opportunities where it could happen. Today I'm feeling a little trapped by labels, by my insecurities. I think it's maybe time to go and buy tea in for tonight, flapping my arms en route...
good times
The two saturdays since I've turned 40, I've spent the evenings singing my socks off, with flowers in my hair, and a massive grin on my face. I'm thinking of making it a weekly tradition. Tonight I also got to boogie, which was so much fun. One song played by the band was Good Times by Chic, and I got to notice the groovy bass line for the first time. My mate is a bassist and that's one of the fab things about friendships - you get to expand your horizons, noticing more and more, instead of staying stuck in your own world.
It's been a lovely day full of hanging out with people I love. Morning with my kids, some cycle time enjoying the scenery and my own company, a spot of worship with harmonies in the open air, picnic with an angel who helped fix my broken bike, happy times with my boyfriend and his family, and then partying with a bunch of fun-makers who know how to party.
Last week I suspended the flower garland from my monitor as I couldn't envisage wearing them in my hair ever again. Now I think I'm going to do my daily trawl round Morrisons in them...
Hope you are able to feel all the good times too :D
It's been a lovely day full of hanging out with people I love. Morning with my kids, some cycle time enjoying the scenery and my own company, a spot of worship with harmonies in the open air, picnic with an angel who helped fix my broken bike, happy times with my boyfriend and his family, and then partying with a bunch of fun-makers who know how to party.
Last week I suspended the flower garland from my monitor as I couldn't envisage wearing them in my hair ever again. Now I think I'm going to do my daily trawl round Morrisons in them...
Hope you are able to feel all the good times too :D
Friday, 13 September 2013
don't ever change??
I've been asked not to change before - and I understand that it's meant as a compliment, that they think you are lovely/perfect just the way you are - I think it also included some people's stuff - their own hopelesness in the face of a young person's idealism. It is of course a ridiculous request - we're changing all the time.
I've shared this on fb today:
"When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty but of her weirdness. They wanted her to change back into what she always had been.
But she had wings." Dean Jackson.
It's been a massive time of change for me these last few months. So far, I'm loving being 40 - I suspect it's to do with no longer being able to view myself as a little girl, which is how I have sometimes seen myself. That's brought an increased confidence - I think I now expect people to take me more seriously, so take myself more seriously. I've made a conscious decision to wear brighter clothes (helped by being given an amazing eccentric flowing coat). Knowing that a neighbour hasn't long to live has helped me focus on making the most of each moment. Having had the love of so many friends around me has also been fantastic - being sung happy birthday to by a whole hall-full of people who love me was immense!
My daughter starting high school also has impacted upon me - she seems to be sailing through the change - but I'm still adjusting! There is a temptation to want to try and keep things as they were, comfortable, un-challenging, known. And of course we can't, but I understand my inner protesting that everything is changing too fast, the territory isn't familiar. I need to remember that I LOVE going down roads I've never been down before in an actual sense - so could extend that to allegorically too.
So today, I shall be noticing my feelings of weirdness about myself and about others, but working through those feelings to see and feel the beauty. Flexing my wings and encouraging others to do likewise :)
I've shared this on fb today:
"When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty but of her weirdness. They wanted her to change back into what she always had been.
But she had wings." Dean Jackson.
It's been a massive time of change for me these last few months. So far, I'm loving being 40 - I suspect it's to do with no longer being able to view myself as a little girl, which is how I have sometimes seen myself. That's brought an increased confidence - I think I now expect people to take me more seriously, so take myself more seriously. I've made a conscious decision to wear brighter clothes (helped by being given an amazing eccentric flowing coat). Knowing that a neighbour hasn't long to live has helped me focus on making the most of each moment. Having had the love of so many friends around me has also been fantastic - being sung happy birthday to by a whole hall-full of people who love me was immense!
My daughter starting high school also has impacted upon me - she seems to be sailing through the change - but I'm still adjusting! There is a temptation to want to try and keep things as they were, comfortable, un-challenging, known. And of course we can't, but I understand my inner protesting that everything is changing too fast, the territory isn't familiar. I need to remember that I LOVE going down roads I've never been down before in an actual sense - so could extend that to allegorically too.
So today, I shall be noticing my feelings of weirdness about myself and about others, but working through those feelings to see and feel the beauty. Flexing my wings and encouraging others to do likewise :)
lenient
The book I'm reading (about 2 pages in a month - I really want to return the book to my friend but...) has been encouraging me to reflect on the day - where did I feel most alive/full of love/God, and what were the times I felt disconnected? This week I've thoroughly enjoyed chatting with several friends - I found time to phone a distant one and we had a great catch up, and I always love the interchanges I have with any of my friends, by email or kind comments in passing. And I definitely felt alive retrieving the rest of my poster in the rain - several of the strips had been taken :)
As for feeling disconnected - falling out with my kids I still feel alive, but not full of the love I'd like to be. This morning I'm tired and despondent about all I've not managed to do. And I've struggled this week with trying to juggle the working/cooking/cleaning/paying attention to kids balancing act - maybe just as we adjust to being back at school with new rhythms now we have a different school to contend with too? I was v proud of myself for making 2 dinners on monday, a working form home day, but still felt shattered tuesday despite having a lasagne that only needed re-heating. I've been trying to clear out clutter too - never my passion - it's a real battle to let go of stuff. I'm trying to build up to handing my wedding dress over to the charity shop - it's silly that it's taking up space here when someone else could make good use of it. But I need to do that on a strong day. It's been quite a week - I think I'll allow myself some leniency today.
As for feeling disconnected - falling out with my kids I still feel alive, but not full of the love I'd like to be. This morning I'm tired and despondent about all I've not managed to do. And I've struggled this week with trying to juggle the working/cooking/cleaning/paying attention to kids balancing act - maybe just as we adjust to being back at school with new rhythms now we have a different school to contend with too? I was v proud of myself for making 2 dinners on monday, a working form home day, but still felt shattered tuesday despite having a lasagne that only needed re-heating. I've been trying to clear out clutter too - never my passion - it's a real battle to let go of stuff. I'm trying to build up to handing my wedding dress over to the charity shop - it's silly that it's taking up space here when someone else could make good use of it. But I need to do that on a strong day. It's been quite a week - I think I'll allow myself some leniency today.
Thursday, 12 September 2013
good-naughty
I understand the buzz of doing something naughty. I do it my way tho - I just put up a flyposter :D I'm also hoping to use the idea in an alternative worship at some point, but I'm impatient and believe that someone may walk past who needs to know that whatever it is they are seeking is right there for them to grasp. I think we often feel like we need someone else to do something in order for us to have peace, or forgiveness, or whatever it is. We can feel excluded by others, waiting for them to change something so that we can once more feel able to be part of it. And of course there is truth in this - others can have us feel excluded, un-forgiven, unwanted etc. This can leave us feeling powerless. But I think we also can decide stuff for ourselves - we may not have the forgiveness of a particular person whose forgiveness we would like, but that doesn't mean we have to feel unforgiven forever. We could decide that we ourselves feel forgiven. We could choose to notice moments of peace even when we feel surrounded by conflict.
I shall of course go back when it rains rather than leave a soggy mess for someone else to clear up. You know what I'm like...
from this moment on
One of my choirs is singing at a wedding next week so we've been learning a new song these last few weeks. The soloists sing their parts beautifully, and the piece sounds great. However, I don't agree with the sentiment of the words and so it's a bit pesky when I keep waking and the song in my head is going "all we need is just the two of us". I've blogged before on how I don't do "the other half" concept - I don't think _all_ we need is one other person. I think it's fab if we do have someone we can commit to for life and prioritise, but I think all we need is love, and love comes in many forms and in _every_ person: the stranger in the shopping queue who gives you a wide smile, the friend you only catch up with once in a blue moon, the distant relative you barely know but makes up part of who you are.
My boyfriend is going back to work tonight after a week off following an op. I've not seen any more of him this week tho than I would usually as he didn't want the dog jumping up on his stitches (and given how enthusiastically my dog loves my boyfriend, that was going to be impossible to prevent). He is someone whose company I enjoy and look forwards to - but he is by no means the only one - and he wouldn't be right for me if he expected to be! Some days as I'm travelling into work I feel very blessed to know I'm going to encounter lots of people - in the building where I'm based, on the phone, in the clinics where I go out to work, and that my main aim in life is just to love them as best as I can in that moment. My dreams come true every minute, and not just because I'm also lucky enough to have met a kind and loving partner. We have enough love for everybody - the more we give, the more there is to give.
Time to play some other tunes to see if I can shift Shania...
My boyfriend is going back to work tonight after a week off following an op. I've not seen any more of him this week tho than I would usually as he didn't want the dog jumping up on his stitches (and given how enthusiastically my dog loves my boyfriend, that was going to be impossible to prevent). He is someone whose company I enjoy and look forwards to - but he is by no means the only one - and he wouldn't be right for me if he expected to be! Some days as I'm travelling into work I feel very blessed to know I'm going to encounter lots of people - in the building where I'm based, on the phone, in the clinics where I go out to work, and that my main aim in life is just to love them as best as I can in that moment. My dreams come true every minute, and not just because I'm also lucky enough to have met a kind and loving partner. We have enough love for everybody - the more we give, the more there is to give.
Time to play some other tunes to see if I can shift Shania...
Wednesday, 11 September 2013
turning Velcro to Teflon
I was in the middle of reading this great piece on how we can intentionally choose kindness over crossness
http://greatergood.berkeley.
when a fly settles on my screen. All evening I'd been v irritated by the buzzing, and so with only a momentary hesitation (you can't prevaricate with fly killing) I swatted it. The buzzing continued and I realised it was another fly that had been annoying me, so I'd killed it for nothing.
I decided against spending the rest of the night reflecting on if I'd spared it a frustrating death by not being able to get out of the house, or if I'd broken the heart of the still living fly who had now lost its mate. Instead I tried to focus on the learning from the article. I like the concept of our brains being Velcro for the bad comments/experiences and Teflon for the good; that if someone is rude when 9 others have been kind, we tend to rememeber the rudeness, but could choose instead to celebrate the other 9.
So climbing into bed, where my two lovelies were sleeping as they have been unsettled this week, I decided not to be disheartened at how squished my sleeping space was, knowing I'd wake lots unable to move. I thought of the book I read last month, how in concentration camps people were crowded into uncomfortable bunks accompanied by lice, with no food in their stomachs and no snuggly duvet or mattress for comfort. So to be sandwiched between the two people I love most in the world, with a fulfilling day behind and a day of hope ahead, I was actually v lucky indeed.
I hope you too find ways of letting any irritation slide down your unruffled feathers - good luck!
http://greatergood.berkeley.
when a fly settles on my screen. All evening I'd been v irritated by the buzzing, and so with only a momentary hesitation (you can't prevaricate with fly killing) I swatted it. The buzzing continued and I realised it was another fly that had been annoying me, so I'd killed it for nothing.
I decided against spending the rest of the night reflecting on if I'd spared it a frustrating death by not being able to get out of the house, or if I'd broken the heart of the still living fly who had now lost its mate. Instead I tried to focus on the learning from the article. I like the concept of our brains being Velcro for the bad comments/experiences and Teflon for the good; that if someone is rude when 9 others have been kind, we tend to rememeber the rudeness, but could choose instead to celebrate the other 9.
So climbing into bed, where my two lovelies were sleeping as they have been unsettled this week, I decided not to be disheartened at how squished my sleeping space was, knowing I'd wake lots unable to move. I thought of the book I read last month, how in concentration camps people were crowded into uncomfortable bunks accompanied by lice, with no food in their stomachs and no snuggly duvet or mattress for comfort. So to be sandwiched between the two people I love most in the world, with a fulfilling day behind and a day of hope ahead, I was actually v lucky indeed.
I hope you too find ways of letting any irritation slide down your unruffled feathers - good luck!
Tuesday, 10 September 2013
scrumping
I guess some people have been so hurt/damaged by events in their past, that they are suspicious of kindness. I encounter this from time to time - people unwilling to give the benefit of the doubt; people who daren't risk the possibility that someone is being nice. And if things have been hitherto tough, then it's going to take a whole lot of kindness to be worth taking the risk for. My Dad inspired me the other day by telling me of someone he persisted for years with, saying hello and being ignored, until one day the man said hello back.
In a warm and friendly tone, I tried to strike up a conversation with an unknown person the other side of my garden wall, who was picking apples from my tree. I could just see a tiny bit of her, so said hi, and how glad I was that someone was making use of the apples as I'd not managed to pick any from my side. I imagine she was embarrassed at being spotted taking apples from my tree, so jumped into her car and drove off, which is a shame - I genuinely wanted her to make good use of my apples. Now I shall have to try and find time to climb it myself.
I saw this from Dodinsky the other day and like the challenge:
"Never deny or waste an opportunity to be kind to others, even if some people have been unkind to you. The two are not related."
Busy day at work today but I'll be on the lookout for opportunities to be as kind as I can to everyone I encounter. It's a fun and uplifting way to be :D
In a warm and friendly tone, I tried to strike up a conversation with an unknown person the other side of my garden wall, who was picking apples from my tree. I could just see a tiny bit of her, so said hi, and how glad I was that someone was making use of the apples as I'd not managed to pick any from my side. I imagine she was embarrassed at being spotted taking apples from my tree, so jumped into her car and drove off, which is a shame - I genuinely wanted her to make good use of my apples. Now I shall have to try and find time to climb it myself.
I saw this from Dodinsky the other day and like the challenge:
"Never deny or waste an opportunity to be kind to others, even if some people have been unkind to you. The two are not related."
Busy day at work today but I'll be on the lookout for opportunities to be as kind as I can to everyone I encounter. It's a fun and uplifting way to be :D
Monday, 9 September 2013
You are doing so well
Yesterday in a counselling session I was repeatedly told "you are doing so well". And it's true. It's v easy to lose sight of that when we keep noticing all we've not managed, all our muck ups. But actually, every single one of us is doing really really well. We're each up against all kind of struggles, and yet, we are doing so well.
It's sometimes frustratingly hard to realise it in others at the same time as holding tht truth out for ourselves - I do know each of us are doing our best. But when we find the homework's not been done so the morning is way more stressy than it needs to be, it can be hard to focus on how brilliantly others are doing too. My kids are ace at pointing out how unhelpful it is for me to use the word "should" so I'm pleased to report I succeeded this morning in not saying "you should have done it before". We can all learn, and decide to do things differently in future, but actually what's most important is to stay clear that we are every one of us doing really well. And that includes you too of course. So if it feels like no-one else has noticed and applauded you in that today, go ahead and point it out to yourself :D
It's sometimes frustratingly hard to realise it in others at the same time as holding tht truth out for ourselves - I do know each of us are doing our best. But when we find the homework's not been done so the morning is way more stressy than it needs to be, it can be hard to focus on how brilliantly others are doing too. My kids are ace at pointing out how unhelpful it is for me to use the word "should" so I'm pleased to report I succeeded this morning in not saying "you should have done it before". We can all learn, and decide to do things differently in future, but actually what's most important is to stay clear that we are every one of us doing really well. And that includes you too of course. So if it feels like no-one else has noticed and applauded you in that today, go ahead and point it out to yourself :D
Sunday, 8 September 2013
life in all its yummy multi layered fullness
I love this photo for capturing some of the joy of last night :)
It's been great looking at the comments in the comment book - I'd thoroughly recommend asking people not to give cards (most people ignored this request) and fill in a book instead - there were some really touching comments in it. The bike total is coming along brilliantly. On the day itself, plus last night, people game an awesome £630 which equals exactly 10 bikes for Kenya. Money is still coming and and gift aid will add extra cycling, so I'm v v pleased. Given that there is so many, I've been calling it a fleet of bikes. So I went online to see if there is an actual collective noun - can't find one but liked some of these suggestions:
http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/collective-noun-for-bikes
Finally (I know I've been going on and on and on about my birthday - I'll try and shut up about it now and go back to less self obsessed topics) it has been a week of amazing cakes - all of which have been multi layered. And you don't need to be a genius to see a story in that. Yay for a multi layered colourful celebrating of life in all its yummy fullness :D
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http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/collective-noun-for-bikes
Finally (I know I've been going on and on and on about my birthday - I'll try and shut up about it now and go back to less self obsessed topics) it has been a week of amazing cakes - all of which have been multi layered. And you don't need to be a genius to see a story in that. Yay for a multi layered colourful celebrating of life in all its yummy fullness :D
your love keeps lifting me
Wow! After a very stressy run up and me declaring I'm never turning 40 again, the evening was fantastic :) My Mum was due to leave at half nine as they had a long journey home - but stayed til the very end as she couldn't tear herself away! The sisters got on like burning houses, the fizzy pop didn't run out, the singing and food were fab. I didn't take pics - others did so may share. But the main one in my head is from up on the stage, choir and numerous kids singing around me, looking out at a sea of happy faces. Even my most atheist of friends on his feet for the Amen chorus because he is such a good friend he's happy to indulge me. Tho he did talk about an air show for my 50th ;)
And the post-party clear up was just brilliant - so many people pitching in to sweep up the scattered hearts from under the tables, remove the gorgeous homemade bunting (I'd never have thought how much of a difference bunting makes), wash up the jugs, gather the crumbs. I have amazing friends.
People kept telling my how radiant I was - and when you do what you love, with those you love, I guess it shows on your face. My wish for myself and for you reading this, is that we get to do lots of what we love, with many of those we love, as often as possible :D
And the post-party clear up was just brilliant - so many people pitching in to sweep up the scattered hearts from under the tables, remove the gorgeous homemade bunting (I'd never have thought how much of a difference bunting makes), wash up the jugs, gather the crumbs. I have amazing friends.
People kept telling my how radiant I was - and when you do what you love, with those you love, I guess it shows on your face. My wish for myself and for you reading this, is that we get to do lots of what we love, with many of those we love, as often as possible :D
Saturday, 7 September 2013
feeling grateful
Barely slept a wink :s
This is worth a watch/weep:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHv6vTKD6lg&feature=youtu.be
There are many people I could ring up and tell them how much they mean to me. I'm delighted that many are coming tonight. The amazing woman who taught me geography when I was 15, but also taught me about the power of prayer and of listening, and of taking time to show delight that I existed. There are several people in my life who have done that - who show in their faces/their tone of voice/their actions, such joy at knowing me and its a wonderful thing to be able to do for someone - to let them know that their life is better because you are in it.
I know some of you reading can't come tonight and that you too have shown me how much I matter. I know no-one tends to comment here, but thankyou so much for all your thoughtfulness when I see you, or in private messages. You love makes a big big difference.
This is worth a watch/weep:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHv6vTKD6lg&feature=youtu.be
There are many people I could ring up and tell them how much they mean to me. I'm delighted that many are coming tonight. The amazing woman who taught me geography when I was 15, but also taught me about the power of prayer and of listening, and of taking time to show delight that I existed. There are several people in my life who have done that - who show in their faces/their tone of voice/their actions, such joy at knowing me and its a wonderful thing to be able to do for someone - to let them know that their life is better because you are in it.
I know some of you reading can't come tonight and that you too have shown me how much I matter. I know no-one tends to comment here, but thankyou so much for all your thoughtfulness when I see you, or in private messages. You love makes a big big difference.
Friday, 6 September 2013
non-domestic goddess
I'm not a natural homemaker. I don't practice enough. Well, I make home in that last night I massaged my girly's tense shoulders, and this morning snipped her hair so she looked uber-smart for her first day at high school. And last night I had her talk me through omelette making so I could make a decent one for her - even if I did end up grating cheesestrings into it - I'm not going to win any cheffing awards. So, I do home, but maybe not house. And certainly not ironing. It took me ages to find the iron, I'd not used it in so long. So I dutifully ironed a few new creases into the school shirts and even branched out from my usual sewing of name labels, and sewed on red ribbon to an otherwise plain black dress for tomorrow.
And whilst undertaking all this domesticity, I listened to a vast array of new songs courtesy of youtube. I enjoyed them so much I'm thinking of packing in paid work and taking up ironing/sewing along to music instead :D
And whilst undertaking all this domesticity, I listened to a vast array of new songs courtesy of youtube. I enjoyed them so much I'm thinking of packing in paid work and taking up ironing/sewing along to music instead :D
Thursday, 5 September 2013
omelette maker
it's a big week for us in this house. As my son goes back today, tomorrow is my last day with my girly before she starts high school tomorrow. I expect today will involve both last-minute labelling of shiny protactors and lots of snuggles. It's the dog's official birthday too, moved this year to a more convenient day as the kids weren't here at the weekend when it actually was. The dog probably hasn't noticed we've not celebrated it yet. And I am also back at work so my daughter will come with me to run a group. She's a big help. I was commenting the other day to someone asking after my "little ones" that sad as I am that she's no longer little, she can do stuff now that is marvellous. I can't make omelettes, they usually turn out like scrambled egg. But my daughter makes them brilliantly. So I've swapped my baby for an omelette maker. Fair deal really...
Wednesday, 4 September 2013
lucky
we watched Madagascar 3 again last night. The most poignant moment for me is when they return to the zoo and realise it's not how they remembered it. They'd been hankering for home, but actually had made a new home and found life in the process.
I keep forgetting that the day before something is often much harder for me than the day itself. So this year, the day before my op was one of my hardest ever, and this week, they day before my big birthday had emotional moments as i reflected on all that my 30s had contained and how life now was not the same as I'd imagined it would be by the end of that decade.
The only time I cried yesterday was reading the words my Dad had written alongside the decorations my mum had put in my card. He wrote:
"Can't believe we've had you for 40 years. Aren't we lucky!"
I'm certainly very lucky to have so many lovely appreciative people in my life. Life may keep changing but the love is constant - hope you get to notice that today too :D
I keep forgetting that the day before something is often much harder for me than the day itself. So this year, the day before my op was one of my hardest ever, and this week, they day before my big birthday had emotional moments as i reflected on all that my 30s had contained and how life now was not the same as I'd imagined it would be by the end of that decade.
The only time I cried yesterday was reading the words my Dad had written alongside the decorations my mum had put in my card. He wrote:
"Can't believe we've had you for 40 years. Aren't we lucky!"
I'm certainly very lucky to have so many lovely appreciative people in my life. Life may keep changing but the love is constant - hope you get to notice that today too :D
Tuesday, 3 September 2013
life begins...
Monday, 2 September 2013
goats and bikes
Today's my last day in my 30s. I've been so busy planning the celebration on saturday, I've completely overlooked thinking about some fun for the day itself tomorrow. Kids won't be back at school so we could fill the day if we wanted - tho they will only just be back from a long journey so they may not want to go anywhere. As things stand we may need to go shopping for school shoes, tho I'm not sure I can bear that. I won't want to cook as that's not my thing, and my fave place to eat is shut. We could perhaps get the Mac down from the loft to look for photos on there. Maybe if the weather suits we could cycle over to Bonds for icecream - that would take most of the day!
There is already one present to open - several people have said they wanted to give me something for me, tho I've already also been given almost enough money for one Kenyan bike, so that's fab. For my 30th birthday I raised £460, which when gift aided became 49 goats. At £12 each, it was much easier for my friends to buy a single goat and think of giving me that as a gift. No-one is likely to give me an entire £63 for a bike, so I will have to be creative when I stand up (ulp) on Sat. I can encourage people to picture the bike chain that will be in frequent motion around a dusty African village if they say give a fiver. Or that by giving me a tenner they can imagine the wheel that they have provided. It'll be fine.
There is already one present to open - several people have said they wanted to give me something for me, tho I've already also been given almost enough money for one Kenyan bike, so that's fab. For my 30th birthday I raised £460, which when gift aided became 49 goats. At £12 each, it was much easier for my friends to buy a single goat and think of giving me that as a gift. No-one is likely to give me an entire £63 for a bike, so I will have to be creative when I stand up (ulp) on Sat. I can encourage people to picture the bike chain that will be in frequent motion around a dusty African village if they say give a fiver. Or that by giving me a tenner they can imagine the wheel that they have provided. It'll be fine.
Sunday, 1 September 2013
off the cuff?
I discovered yesterday that the service I'm about to go to this morning is a "do it yourself" one so was advised to bring a reading or prayer. As I'm not at home I don't have any of my favourites with me, or access to any resources. So, I'm contemplating just sharing off the cuff. I could share how this time a week ago I was in Greenbelt's communion and say a bit about what Greenbelt means to me... We'll see...
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