1988

2018 is about to start and yet I'm immersed in 1988. I've been reading my journal from that year, wanting to get back in touch with how I felt when I was the age of my teenage offspring. It's a different style to my blog, given it had no audience, tho similarly allowed for reflection and a chance to feel less isolated. I guess I'm a big believer in the power of our own ability to work things through given space :) So there are feelings things there that interest me. Mainly it documented what I did, the lessons attended, what I wore (fluorescent pink was my favourite colour at the time). Music was key, I've written out lyrics and stuck in cuttings from smash hits, and the Pet Shop Boys seem to get a mention most days. I was not yet vegetarian and am surprised by how often I refer to McDonald's. It's interesting to see how different I am now, tho I can still identify to a certain extent with the girl I was.

It's a day for reflections isn't it. 2017 has definitely been challenging, and I'm struck today with how little I've physically sorted in the house - that often happens when I'm contending with emotional stuff. Whilst the sun is shining and I have the motivation, I'm trying to clear out things that have accumulated (dust, clutter) - it will take much more than a day, but any step forwards is a step forwards :D

Catching up

Just a small amount of work today then I am done. This means that today I have finally put up the Christmas cards. I have mixed feelings about cards, they can feel a lot of effort and like everything, if I let go of expectations and welcome the what is, it goes much better. So I can celebrate the joy they bring : here are 3 of my favourites, as I like humour and beauty and the love and tenderness evident in forehead kisses. I don't exchange cards with lots of my loved ones and that's fine. This is what works - all my interactions differ and so some people I send cards, some I hug, some I might not do anything but it's all ok.

I have also spent a considerable amount of the morning trying to photograph the underside of my bath, which was not as easy as I thought. The result I think also has a certain beauty (the fact that I think it looks like a leaking breast tells me I need a holiday) but I'm not currently seeing any humour or tenderness. One day maybe I will be able to look back and smile, cos one day I will have got it sorted...

Countdown

Working over Christmas has been rewarding and also challenging in terms of juggling parenting etc. I'm glad there's only 2more days then I get 5 days off, it will be good to have a break. My worsening cold has made sleep difficult the last couple of nights, adding to the grumpiness. I will be glad to have chance just to curl up in front of the fire and read. I don't really do much present giving or receiving at Christmas but am totally delighted with a super soft dressing gown. Spending some time in it will be ace. Hope you too are enjoying your time and gifts :-)

Ps, rewarding but challenging could possibly sum up my whole year, tho sometimes I have to focus hard to see the rewards. 2 lots of redundancy is not great even when I try to concentrate on the opening door rather than the closing one.  And as the year ends I still have water coming through the kitchen ceiling that always stops each time I get a plumber round to investigate. Pesky.

The what next

None of us know what is next. Often we plod on, assuming the next will mainly be similar to the now. When we know that the next will not be like the now, it can raise all kinds of feelings. It can also help us appreciate the now, cos we realise we won't have it for ever, so that's good :-)
I am exploring what my next might contain. Can I find funding for a hug venture? How could I think well about safeguarding implications? Or is hugging as a job not really what I want to do anyway? If not then what? Is it looking for what is out there and matching myself to it? Or shall I create something for myself? And have I ever written this many questions in the same paragraph before?

I already accidentally wrote 2018 on a cheque, maybe I'm ahead of myself. Yet how exciting to have a good ponder about what I'd like my next to look like :-)

Cable ties

As you know,my preference is to choose love not fear. So I'm trying not to be concerned by the radio show subject on Friday discussing how reliant we are on internet cables across the sea bed that cover miles so cannot be easily protected. The threat to their security isn't new, indeed cable sabotage was a technique used in world war 2. So whilst I don't want to fret, it certainly got me thinking just how dependent on communication I am for almost every aspect of my life. The dog is my only non mediated relationship, every other one uses technology to stay in touch,even my kids who I live with. Everyone else including my family, best of friends and my partner, I maintain contact with through frequent texts, emails, the internet, or calls. All of which rely on those cables. I do still see actual people in real life, but those arrangements are made of course via technology because the people in my life are spread over a considerable distance.
My job too is completely done via email and text and calls. I use those cables to pay for my food shop, to listen to music, to keep up to date with what's going on in the world. It's hard to contemplate how different my life would be without them. Just me and the dog maybe?!

Heedless of the wind and weather

Fa la la la la, la la la la.
The last couplet of deck the halls seemed most apt last night. One of my choirs had a prime spot for Lancashire sings Christmas, and our efforts were appreciated by those driving or walking past. It was however incredibly rainy tho that didn't dampen my spirits and I had a good sing and dance. Was glad to get back to a warm house tho, I can't imagine how it must be to be homeless, especially in the current weather.
A knock on effect was numerous flooded roads this morning, I turned round on more than one occasion. One road seemed impassible to me, not only could I not see the end of the flood, but both sides of the road were no longer defined, and knowing there were ditches at both edges, it seemed ludicrous to me to sail forth. So I didn't. There are times to be heedless of the weather and sing with gusto, and times to not be heedless :-)

Where is the love?

I have long liked this black eyed peas song and it was really speaking to me clearly this morning on the radio. Imagine my surprise when, once it had finished, I switched channels and it was playing there too.
Sometimes the world seems caught up in money making and war mongering. Believing that life isn't anything to do with money can sometimes seem at odds with everything when you live in a capitalist society. I need to stay connected with people who understand what's important to me and don't think I'm odd. Or wrong. Maybe today would be a good day to write cards to people like that, reduce the isolation.

Stocked up

The matrix signs on the m6 were alarming, warning of severe weather tomorrow, though the forecast seems to have been revised since so I'm less concerned now. It's cold but beautiful here, dusting of snow on the fells, frosted veins on the fallen leaves.
When I was much younger we got snowed in once and couldn't get back. Whilst I do need to be back (hopefully the vet will remove the dog's stitches on Mon) there are plenty of supplies here if we were to get blocked in. This is just one shelf...

My plan is mainly to hang out in front of the fire and I won't be on my own :-)

Little blessings

Feel more connected again now, grateful to those of you who got in touch, thankyou.
I've picked up the book again and am back at it (embracing uncertainty). I've been remembering today the wisdom of writing a list of what I like to do, and what I do each day and where the list differs adjusting accordingly. I've booked in some time off this week. And now the dog' s dressings are off he's speaking to me again and no longer has to have his paws covered for going out.

And in the spirit of counting the little blessings, here are some of the things I'm grateful for today : the way fresh bread squishes, my girly 's hours spent on her new uke, the way the dog tipped his cone up to shake out the missed toast crust, how the deliciousness increases when a mince pie is warmed, central heating, the chat with the rail replacement bus rep, the chats with my friends, toilet paper, love  ...

A time for not embracing

I know that nothing is a total waste. But it's hard to find what is redemptive about today. I have tried some of my usual tricks but they've not done it for me. Even my embracing uncertainty woman was way too cheery for me to engage with, and she can usually turn me around.
The dog isn't speaking to me. I think he holds me responsible for his pain, as following strict orders not to allow his dressings to get wet, I've been the one to put rubber mitts on his sore paws, which he's understandably not liked. He's spent the day feeling sorry for himself on the sofa whilst I've spent the bulk of the day feeling sorry for myself in my bed. Today I just can't embrace the uncertainty, I'm both grumpy and scared about it.

Diarising downtime

I've realised that for a part time worker I often feel at work and know that a smart solution will be to put slots in my diary that specify that I am not meant to be working in that evening, or afternoon. I find it really hard to read a novel at any point during the day for example (even at weekends!) because "daytime is for working!" yet I don't seem to find it problematic to have a work conference call in an evening. I can't remember the last time I did a jigsaw. Maybe I will pencil that in for Sunday afternoon. With December starting today it feels especially important to mark out some time for recharging rather than be permanently caught up in the busyness.

Writing "bath" in my diary might seem ridiculous, but it's interesting to notice how I prioritise everything else rather than safeguard my me time. I did have to clear this first, an unusual by-product of having a daughter who is friends with an art student and needed help with a project. Rather than waste the flowers I have set them all into shot glasses. Pretty.

Pooch pain relief

This isn't about how we experience a reduction in our pain by stroking pets (we do, obviously). It's about my poor fur baby who damaged his paw again yesterday and can't have the op to sort it til tomorrow. In the meantime I can give him a liquid painkiller with food. So when he was clearly unhappy early this morning, that's what I did.  As a believer in attachment parenting, I've always been led by my offspring and tried to respond to their needs. So probably read into the look the dog gave me, which I interpreted as "don't you understand? I'm telling you I'm in pain, not hungry!"

I'm often talking to folks about the UNICEF saying, how breastmilk is not just nutrition, but love and protection too. People sometimes think breastfeeding is just a means of delivering food, but the hormones and antibodies make it so much more than that, and breastfeeding incorporates natural pain relief so can be done whilst babies are getting their vaccinations for example. And I'm sure I've mentioned before how for adults the act of eating is like stroking our inside skin. I need to remember this tho, so that next time I get a chocolate craving I try stroking my outside skin for the oxytocin hit instead.

I'm not allowed to give him any more meds now (and no food after midnight) so it's just cuddles as pain relief from here on in. Not a bad plan really.

Why I volunteer on the helpline

As my baby turns 16, I'm still reflecting on it all :)

She's so amazing, it's easy to feel incredibly proud - of her, and of my part in shaping the wonderful young woman that she is. My best friend commented on how those early days of mothering still seem important to me, and it's true. We know those first 1000 days from conception onwards are critical in the crafting of a wonderful human being. What a privilege to do that. And what a responsibility - for lots of us it can feel at times overwhelming, that we have the primary care of such a precious creature. What if we get it wrong! Well we do, often, but usually not often enough to mess up completely.

I've journeyed well in these 16 years but even back then I was in a pretty good space to become a parent. Key for me was having built up an amazing network of people good at listening, who would give me sufficient time and attention so that despite the challenges I could get back to my sense of self that I was a good enough mother, so staying focussed on her rather than on me and my stuff :)

I honestly think that this is pretty much all the world needs - that we create enough spaces of safety where each person can talk through and reflect on the concerns in their head knowing that they won't be thought badly of, so they get to realise that they are good enough and can then get back to whatever it was they need to do.

There's many things we all need to do as well as we can, parenting is by no means the only one. Loving ourselves, loving others, this is important throughout our entire lives. Yet in my mind feeling OK about ourselves so we can parent is extra important because it's a time when the current and future mental, emotional and physical wellbeing of another is in our hands. And that is why I guess my current vocation is to offer this space to new mums when their confidence is low. A chance for them to air some of their deepest concerns so that instead of them rattling around their sleep deprived head, it can be spoken aloud and re-evalutated in the light of the evidence in front of them. Giving her the opportunity to notice where she's doing well so she can hold onto that and go back encouraged to her powerful role of nurturing a tiny human. Through being heard, her capacity to respond to her baby increases cos she's topped up her own cup of confidence again. Which means she'll perpetuate that cycle of raising another self assured person who knows they are loved who will go on to do likewise.

So as well as smothering a cake in an excessive amount of chocolate frosting, I'm also planning to volunteer on the helpline today to mark the occasion fittingly :)

a poor worker blames their tools

With such a proficient baker in the house it's been a long time since I baked a cake. When my offspring were little, I did make all kinds of reasonable attempts - I like to think maybe my girly's passion was helped to ignite by the castle I constructed, maybe I could even locate some pictures of my early creations to show you. Since I last baked a victoria sponge, the food processor has broken, so today I used for the first time some new fangled thing that offered a comedy gold moment of being unable to turn off without making it go faster. This not only turned the mixture into a scrambled egg effect but also distributed much of it around the kitchen. Unable to make it anything like the batter I remember, I put it in the tins anyway, and they have at least turned out looking like cake, tho the crumbs that came off as I peeled the lining off don't exactly taste great.

I think this is a reasonable metaphor for my journey in many different areas these last 16 years. I only needed to be good enough to inspire her, I certainly didn't need to be an expert. As technology has advanced and I've not bothered to keep up, it means that she's now much better at using that technology. I've given her space and resources to explore her interest and skill in it, and her practice and my lack thereof means she now easily outshines me in competence in this area. This is what I think a lot of parenting is all about - setting them off, giving space, then sitting back and watch as they get way better than you :)

And in other fab news, I realise I wasn't much invested in how the cake turned out whereas in the past I might have worried that a cake could in some way show how great a parent I was, or how much she means to me - all that reading on letting go is beginning to pay off :D

Rains/pours

I've spent more time than I'd like with my hand down a drain and spinning and respinning the same load of washing. But it looks like we finally got there, the drain is no longer blocked, the washing machine now gets to the end of each cycle, and the dishwasher is no longer depositing waste water under my floorboards. I'm very grateful to my boyfriend for his hours of hard work.

Meanwhile other worries have been stacking up and I was interested to note that just sorting one meant I'm back to a feeling of coping. I wonder if I have a limit like a buckaroo horse and just one too many was unmanageable?

Not long now til my girly's 16th birthday so this afternoon is cake making. Her forte not mine, I'm not going to attempt to mimic her efforts or standards, so don't expect a picture!

Doing what matters

Very busy week. But I have noticed where I have been able to be the me I want to be, and how it's actually those small moments that matter most. Addressing an envelope with the addition before the person's name of "the marvellous". Offering my fruit stash to people when I discovered they'd not eaten. Showing up to offer encouragement. That's mainly all we have to do.
Now my attention is shifting, my girly is soon to turn 16 then it's the season of Christmas preparations. But maybe before that I really need to admit that the sogginess under the kitchen floorboards is not going away. My cunning plan entails  drawing round the edges of some of the bubbles. Not to find childlike delight in a problem, tho that would be a good enough reason. If tomorrow the bubbles are wider than the pencil lines, I will have incontrovertible proof that Something Needs To Be Done.

Magic gloves

I'm going to London today. Not to meet the queen, clearly, cos that's the last thing I'm likely to be doing with my views on the monarchy. I've been nominated by my peers to go to a parliamentary reception marking the 20th birthday of the charity I work and volunteer for. And an all party working group meeting too.
It's gone somewhat chilly of late so I've dug out gloves. Several. Apart from the fingerless ones lovingly knitted by my friend ( for when I'm working from home and delaying putting on the heating), the rest don't seem to have matching partners but it's all good, I'm borrowing some magic ones from my offspring. They're an unlikely small size but magically stretch to fit. Perfect for travelling light. I love it when things seem impossibly small but actually are just right, there's so many links to non material things :-) so no matter how small our love or faith can seem, it will stretch to being just what's needed. Hurrah!

Aubergine - baba ganoush

Fab evening. As you know I am not a major cook. I do however love meeting strangers and building connections, and I love eating yummy food. So tonight's gathering was great, a whole lot of people coming together with random ingredients to cook in pairs and then feast together.
I learned how to make an incredible dish by smoking an aubergine. Yum yum yum.

Opportunity after opportunity

Still working on taking charge of my inner responses irrespective of what's going on outside. I wonder if it will be a lifetime's work? I have learned so much about myself this year, there's been opportunity after opportunity. We can learn in times of joy as well as times of difficulty, so I'm putting in a plea for more learning from the joyful please!
I'm exactly half way through embracing uncertainty now, and have a sneaking suspicion that as soon as I get to the end I'll need to start again at the beginning. I never do that with books. Much of it isn't new to me, but it seems I need to keep practising the theory!! I do know that everything is material for our own growth. The other day I was asked if something had been useful or had been upsetting. I replied that these were not mutually exclusive, that upsetting things show where I still have work to do, so it had been very useful in that respect. So I do think I'm making progress, there's just more to make! Thanks for hanging in whilst I go on and on about this particular book. Hopefully it will be worth it. One of the things I love about encouraging people is witnessing when people show themselves as more fully themselves, their confidence blooms, you can tangibly feel their contentment. I've had that with two different people two days in a row now and it's lovely to be around. So stick around, one day you'll see me hugging all that's unknown with a carefree glee and you'll be delighted :-)

Frayed

My emotions were frayed like my carpet yesterday. The holiday was great but getting back involved a return to reality and lots of mess coupled with tiredness. It's good to be reunited with the dog tho and thankfully it's a pretty quiet week so I will take things gently and one at a time (yesterday I was trying to face everything at once, never a smart move). It surprises me what a difference a few degrees makes. The apartment in Rome was set to a sweltering 22 degrees. Right now it's 17.5 here and so I'm contemplating putting the heating back on...

Home

When living in Cork I flew back to the UK quite frequently. Now however, It's been nearly a decade since I flew and I was a lot more scared than I expected. In fact the whole trip, whilst brilliant, showed me that I'm not as comfortable as I used to be, being out of my comfort zone! As a teen I had an amazing solo holiday in Egypt, and once gave a reading in front of a crowd of thousands in Polish (I didn't know much Polish, I read it phonetically). Today I had to talk myself down from feeling terrified by a taxi journey, not knowing the Italian for "slow down man, you have my family in your care!"

I know some of it is hormonal. Teenagers are more thrill seeking. I like novelty, but not thrills. And I'm glad to get back to my embracing uncertainty book, I think I need to take it to heart a lot more yet. 

The one with the food pics

One of the main reasons for choosing Italy was because we all love Italian food. Look how delicate the colour is of this pistachio gelato (catalan custard underneath).Then this is half caramel meringue, half plum sorbet.

Biscuits or pastries for breakfast. 

 We mainly had pizza by the slice for lunch.

Then a sit down meal in an evening, I thought that this would be a small side salad... 

 This gnocchi in a creamy nut sauce was delicious. Then panna cotta.  I'll holiday in Italy again!!

Big Rome

Lots of sights seen today, wish I'd had a pedometer, I definitely exceeded the target 10,000 steps (tho also exceeded recommended calorie intake. Marzipan /almond /biscuit /pastry concoction for breakfast? Yes please!)

We got a little lost in a multi storey carpark on the way to St Peters square via a park in the sunshine with views across the city.

The pantheon is huge as was this nearby, don't even know what this one was.

The whole world seemed to be at the trevi fountain, sorry if I didn't see you. I'll try and tidy up these posts when I get back home...

Colosseum

Three blogs in one day. My life isn't usually this exciting. I'm shattered now and there's still an evening to be made the most of! After the sun at the circus maximus, there were lots of people and a bit of rain at the colosseum.

We ran out of time to go inside the roma forum but saw some from outside, and maybe we will come back again. Will throw coins in the trevi fountain tomorrow in anticipation! 

Under the bridge

Kids are understandably tired after yesterday's mammoth day. Rather than get grumpy about them still sleeping and keen to make the most of the light, I took myself out whereupon it tipped it down, so I spent some lovely time sheltering under a bridge (the one far right in this picture) .

And got to enjoy views like this

And the good news is that Rome is just as photogenic after rain! 

Words don't come easy

I'm pretty good at picking up languages. I'm noticing tho that my brain is slower, and already several times I have felt completely silenced when faced with an incomprehensible question. I'm armed with a phrase book (thanks David and Katy!) and am getting by. We've managed to convey what we need to so far. I even got chatted up on the train (I found that excruciating but it's a source of hilarity for my girly). It's reminded me just how powerless I can feel when I don't understand or can't make myself understood. I remember first arriving in Cork and not being able to make out the taxi driver with his very thick accent (in fact he was the only one I didn't understand, but at the time I thought it was always going to feel like that). There's a lot of anti immigration feeling in the UK, yet I wonder how often those complainants stop to think how it might be like to be in a country where it's not your mother tongue. Pretty frightening at times. Travelling I think can help people get a flavour of what it's like to be in a place outside your usual comfort zone.
We are having a leisurely start today to give time for the rain to clear. Pics later in another blog...

When in Rome

My photography student girly has already taken a million or so pics. I've only managed a few and lots of those haven't been successful. I'm not used to sunglasses in November and coupled with turning down the screen brightness to preserve battery, I couldn't see what I was taking so it was very much point and click.

Our apartment is in the Trastevere district, not too far from the Tiber. More pics to follow, hopefully easier now we can leave cases at the apartment. We've already had pizza (mine was topped with potato slices) and gelato. Much more to come!! 

This is right opposite our apartment and sums up our trip so far, one photographing, one waiting...

Resting place

This is one of my favourite places ever.

Was fab to sit on the cold stone bridge awhile, whilst leaves fell around. And as a token nod towards Halloween, which isn't something that exercises my interest, here's some fungi I spotted that looked spooky.

 Now back to my researching Gelato places. :-)

On not being attached to the outcome

I really like some of the ideas in the Susan Jeffers "embracing uncertainty" book, but they are more of a stretch for me than I've found her other books. It will be a while til I've got the hang of some of it as I'm trying to turn around a lifetime of worry!
The latest chapter I read considers attachments. Now as someone who has practiced attachment parenting and believes life is all about relationships, I feel a bit challenged. I think she's all about relationships too tho. She writes about being loving and open and despite the trickiness, I do see what she's getting at. She notices how when we are focussed on a particular outcome, it gets in the way of going with the what actually is.
In thinking about hosting a party for example, she suggests that if we are attached to the outcome we get nervous, don't enjoy it until the release of tension after it's finished, and radiate that tension. Whereas if we are in the present moment and not concerned with how it works out then we are happy and excited, enjoy it and radiate love. If the party goes well we are glad and if it doesn't we know we can't control other people's experiences and just keep sending out loving energy and are more open to the possibilities.
I know people who have been happy in adverse situations, and know that even when my life has been tough I've still experienced joy and love and felt grateful for so much. So if we put in effort, whilst enjoying whatever process we are part of, work family or whatever, then let go of the success or not of the outcome, we're free to stop worrying, knowing that it's possible to find happiness whatever comes next.
Whilst I'm beginning to contemplate this for myself, I've not yet worked out a way of interacting with others that's not based on this. All my texts, emails etc revolve around wishing people well, which whilst lovely, could be seen to be invested in positive outcomes. "hope it goes well" for example is pretty much how I write. I'm not sure about radically rethinking this. I'm going to start with me and then figure how to translate it into my conversations...

author/story/cover

I've been thinking this week about who writes the story of our lives. Clearly we're influenced by lots of factors, circumstances and the people who play their part in it, but ultimately I believe we are the authors of our own story unless we choose to hand that power over to someone else (there's a meme isn't there that goes something like don't put the keys to your happiness in someone else's pocket).
Still loving the "embracing uncertainty" book, I'm getting to be curious rather than apprehensive about what the upcoming chapters might contain. They're likely to keep the same recurrent themes of the book - love, courage, delight, encouragement, relationship - tho the details are not yet apparent.

What are the themes of your story? Are there any you want to work on writing out and new ones you want to develop?

I just have one day left of work but am a bit tempted to design the cover - it would have my favourite photo of myself, in my bright yellow coat, holding the "you are beautiful" sign and would be mainly orange and yellow. I don't think we can really be summed up in one image (thankfully!) so maybe everyone's cover would be much more busy with more images than that, but as a starting cover concept, I'm happy :)

More sleeps

There are 3 more mornings of my alarm going off at 6.30 to check my girly is up for her paper round. Not only is that then the half term holiday (tho I'm working the Saturday) but that's the end of her paper round as the shop is no longer doing it. This means I can set my alarm a whole hour later every day for ever (well clearly I don't know what's coming next but you knowwhat I mean). Bliss!

I'm trying not to feel apprehensive about Rome. My brain does a lot of looking for what might go wrong, so I have to work hard on talking it out of that. I've made a start on a new wonderful book, "embracing uncertainty" and will have lots to share with you from that, cos in everything none of us know what's next, so seeing it as an unfolding adventure is far more exciting than imagining we have control when we don't!

I wonder where life's adventure will lead today?

Celebrate

I love weddings. There's so much about them to delight in. The love, the joy, the food, singing, dancing, sharing, meeting strangers and catching up with people not seen in a while or that you already know but having a chance to get to know them better. The way families and friends grab the opportunity to show how much the couple mean to them, the creation of a new supportive community, the promises of staying in even when it gets tough. It's brilliant, I've been to many and each one has been a varied expression of how to celebrate and I've loved every one.
I also find them tough. I never intended to end up alone and it's really hard not to dwell on feelings of having failed, and on what I don't have.
The trick of course is instead to focus on what I do have. Friends who check that I got home safely. A group of people to dance with and be silly with. And maybe the impetus to follow my dream. If I was getting enough cuddles in my own life, maybe I wouldn't notice how important they are. I can use this experience to decide what I want to do about it. It still might not be the right time for my hug hub, but I think it's time I reviewed the possibility at least.

You are loved and brilliant

Today's been one of those days when I've really felt the love. Ace walk with a friend, ace connections with others. I'm very grateful to know such loving people. I think that we blossom when we are in touch with how much we are loved and how brilliant we are. It's my purpose in life, to do what I can to help others free themselves from the stuff that gets in the way of them knowing these two things. And I revel in it when people do the same for me :-)

eerie

I don't know if it's cos I know that a storm is going to hit later or if I'd have felt it anyway, but this morning just feels eerie. The light is foreboding (and impossible to capture on my phone), like when there's an eclipse. I took the dog out earlier than usual (and he was asking to go out, maybe he knows it will be too windy later too?) and a cow was bellowing and it just feels all a bit apocalyptic. Or maybe it's cos I just finished the excellent book "Still Alice" and I'm still in that headspace of wondering what I'd choose to do if I knew I only had a limited amount of cogniscence left. I'd finish the book I'm still enjoying in small bites. I'd hang out with friends. I'd eat cake.
What would you do?

Sprig

After a busy and stressful week, the plan this weekend was to go gently. It's tricky to do that tho. When the week is an especially busy one, invariably that means the housework and non work tasks mount up so need doing come the weekend. Today is unseasonably warm, so would have been foolish to miss the opportunity to get the long standing hand washing done and on the line. And I'm trying to make soup each Sunday afternoon so there's something to dip into on subsequent busy days. Not usually a recipe follower, I had no idea what a sprig constitutes. Is that a couple of centimeters or 20? I have such a surfeit of rosemary I went with the latter rather than former, and as I didn't measure the rest of the ingredients either, I'm sure it will be just fine.
And now for a sit down :-)

how's your haal?

I think this is a good article:

https://onbeing.org/blog/the-disease-of-being-busy/

and think it's great when we can ask each other to stop and reflect on how, in this very moment, our heart is doing, to explore our soul.

I do feel glad that I'm able to have a balance of work, family, volunteering, domestic stuff, but also most importantly, connection with several people each and every day. To share cake and concerns, to really hear how things are. Maybe it's not everyone's thing but it's certainly mine...

Kitchen creations

Maybe it's a reaction to the concept of a woman's place being in the kitchen, but whilst some people love hanging out in their kitchen, for me it's just not where I feel at home. I do give it a go from time to time, and tempted by some delicious looking flapjacks posted on facebook earlier, I thought I'd rustle up something similar. Whilst the end result bears little resemblance to the picture that prompted it, even I can't go that far wrong, what's not to like about butter and sugar melted together? I may have set the smoke alarm off merely by preheating the oven, but that's cos I don't spend enough time in there cleaning :-)
I'm not sure how long this flurry of culinary attempts will last. Yesterday I made not one but two pans of luscious soup, one a lovely autumnal cream of mushroom and chestnut pictured), the other a split pea (plus other items that needing using up from the fridge). Both self concocted rather than following a recipe, as I'm not very obedient when it comes to recipes.

supporting new mothers

The conference I attended yesterday was really inspiring, I learned new things, I got to meet up with people, and it helped bolster my enthusiasm for what I do! I've long felt that whilst every mum makes her own decisions that are right for her, such decisions are always made within a wider context. This is true for us all at anytime, so for example my decision to eat or not a big slice of cake, whilst my own decision, is influenced by lots of factors. It was there, readily available and cut in a big wedge, others around me were eating them, I live in a society where cake is seen as lovely, it was labelled as salted caramel so that felt a bit new and trendy and encouraged me to try it for the novelty. There are health messages out there so I have to set aside concerns that come up... All this happens at a subconscious level as I reached automatically for my dessert yesterday.

I don't want to say that our choices around starting or continuing to breastfeed
are like eating cake, but I am aware that every one of us make decisions all the time and don't usually stop to reflect on how many things impinge on those decisions, the adverts, peer pressure etc. We know that what our families and friends do or have done has a huge influence on our decisions and this includes feeding. We also know that mums who don't breastfeed, or stop before they want to, are more likely to experience post natal depression, and their babies will not have such good physical, emotional and mental health. The UK has the worst breastfeeding rates in the world, and most mums here will stop before they wanted, and a few don't start at all, and it is not fair or right if the mum takes on herself feelings of blame for this. I like this quote from Dr Nigel Rollins of the World Health Organisation (WHO), who said:
“The success or failure of breastfeeding should not be seen solely as the responsibility of the woman. Her ability to breastfeed is very much shaped by the support and the environment in which she lives. There is a broader responsibility of governments and society to support women through policies and programmes in the community."

So if it's not down to the mum, we all have our part to play, what can we do?
First up, let me acknowledge just how tricky I know it can be. Feeding is such an emotive issue, as most of us have our own unheard stories. Given the low rates in this country, chances are most of us will have not fed for the 2 years and beyond that the world health organization recommend, lots of us will have either struggled and not received the practical support and encouragement we needed, or perhaps not started because of the society we live in. Ghana, where breastfeeding rates stay around 98% across the baby's first year, it's a very different experience. This means we all have our own feelings to contend with, we might want to defend the decisions we ourselves or our partners made. It's harder to get alongside when we feel defensive, so can be useful to remember that whatever we did in every aspect of our parenting, it's always been the best possible in that moment, and not in line for criticism. We also live in a society where breasts are seen sexually rather than for feeding and comforting our babies, so I appreciate that can make conversations feel awkward.  I guess any of us could challenge that perception, or acknowledge that this might be why we feel uncomfortable in encouraging a mum to breastfeed.

Having reflected on our own experiences and feelings, what can we do then?
Listening to and supporting the mum is key. As with all life, ask what help is wanted rather than assume. Surveyed mums have said that well meaning help such as taking baby away so mum can rest has actually undermined the mum who then can feel she's not doing a good job. They would have preferred their family and friends to have taken the weight off some of the ridiculous expectations placed on her, such as that she will have the time to clean or cook.
Again culturally we don't have the knowledge and experience that other cultures have where feeding abounds. New mums might not be familiar with breastfeeding. Despite recent funding cuts there is still support available, mums can be encouraged to phone the national helpline, access their local services, and get the practical information they need both before baby arrives and in those wild early days when there's so much to contend with.

And every single one of us who encounters a new parent can rethink our questions. Each time a stranger asks "are they good?" what are they asking? The implication is that the baby isn't impinging on the parents' lives. New babies are supposed to be reliant on their mum all the time, are supposed to wake and feed at least every couple of hours. Asking if the baby is good can have those parents doubt if they are doing something wrong, when they are of course doing great. So here's a big "yay" to every new parent and all the brilliant people surrounding them who are cheering them on :-)

You shall go to the ball!

My confidence is still a bit squished so I was somewhat apprehensive about going to a ball alone. I don't really possess the right accoutrements for ball going. My hair style is not one that can be used to demonstrate making an effort, and high heels and handbags are not part of my wardrobe. But my girly let me use some of her mascara, I got to wear a necklace that's not had an outing on me before, and with encouragement from some friends I did indeed make it to the ball. I only just made it back home before the clock struck 12, not because my carriage would turn into a pumpkin, but because I have to leave tomorrow at 6.30 to travel to my charity 's AGM.
It will be fine...

full

This week has been very full - not just with work, tho that has been intense, I've also packed in seeing lots of friends, which is how I want to live, so that's good. Today needs to be a catch up with non work jobs kind of day, as guess what, the weekend is incredibly full too.

Whilst in the garage yesterday I spotted this and loved the irony of it:

Sometimes my windows are still brick walls, but mainly my windows look out on a wonderful world :)

be careful what you wish for ;)

I was so proud of my toilet seat sorting yesterday I quipped that I should perhaps seek a new career as a plumber. Does this mean I only have myself to blame for discovering today that there is a quantity of water in the kitchen sink cupboard? My girly has had a non-stop bake-off these last couple of days so I can't get anywhere near the kitchen yet, but my task for the morning will be to empty that out, clean it, identify and tackle source of water, then re-order the cupboard. Actually, best make it the task for the whole weekend :)

Meanwhile I've moved onto "feel the fear and do it anyway" and am pleased to report that in the main, I do. I think it's really useful to conclude that we're not really different from other people - we can imagine that other people are not as worried as we are about things like rejection, mistake making, death, etc - and that if only we could get over our fear, we like them could do That Thing, whatever It might be, like reach out to others, or take a risk at work, or speak on a stage. And actually we don't have to get over anything, It will still be there, but we could decide that whatever happens, we will handle It, so best to get on and do it rather than live smaller in fear of It.

Should you ever want to borrow any of these books, just ask :)

Jill of all trades

Amongst the many and various tasks to do today is dealing with a broken toilet seat. Let's see how that goes. I know I can't be good at everything. I'm expecting the fitting of the new one to be ok. It'ss the removal of the old one that's testing my strength/patience
Every day is different tho...

it's not about the money, money, money

I'm still loving my book on dancing with life and think I'm better able to be in touch with the gratitude as a result :) I was asked today what I'd do with my life if I didn't have to worry about money and I said I'd be doing pretty much exactly what I'm doing now. Why would I let money influence the joy and satisfaction I get from my life? I don't work for the money (clearly, I don't bring in a massive amount). The things that I choose to do in my life are based round whether I think they are worth doing or not - I'm not going to get another go at living my life so want to get it right for me this time round!
Today that has involved some lovely things, like eating a black forest trifle, playing some word games, chatting in the street with people, and buying incredibly heavy ingredients for my girly to make cakes later (3kg flour, 2 kg of various sugars, etc etc). I'm balancing out days where I've spent more time working and volunteering, and this is how I'd choose to live my weeks if money was no object.
I hope you too are enjoying your one wild and precious life. If you're not living it the way you want, maybe you could have a think about what is stopping you? :D

unseen

There's lots to love about the new boiler, the way it has turned the shower into something hot and powerful, the wifi control from my room. It's not been cold enough yet to use the heating and therein lies an unexpected problem. I hadn't realised just how much the old hot water tank did. It never really felt warm so I didn't think it really did anything, but I now understand that it was drying things out unseen. Since it's been gone, the clothes are no longer drying when hung on the rack in the bathroom, and the towels are permanently sodden. Once the heating is in use I think this problem will be solved but in this interim time when outside is too misty to hang wet clothes, and too warm to put on the radiators, I might need another solution so might look into a dehumidifier - not an expensive electric gadget, more a little box of absorbing crystals?

This morning's post included some unexpected chocolate, won when my name was randomly drawn from all those who volunteered on the helpline last month. This was a delight in itself but also came with little butterfly stickers on the envelope... tiny gestures matter a lot when they show that thought and care has gone in. I will think how to pass on the love...

Church family

There's lots I find challenging about being single. Being part of my church family isn't one of those things. It's an area that I think the church can do really well in. I'm aware it doesn't happen in some places, where there can be an over emphasis on families, and couplehood, but I personally have really appreciated my church who currently are putting on a wide range of social events open to everyone. This is partly to fundraise, but I think the social aspect is huge. It was great to go to a barn dance last night, knowing I didn't have a partner to dance with ( despite a whole day of texts with various locals) and not fretting about it cos I knew there would be people to dance with. And I didn't have to cook!
There are Fri cinema nights I don't get to because of my choir. And a range of other opportunities to hang out with people over coffee or some kind of activity. For people without partners as well as those with them, what a brilliant chance to feel less lonely by being in community.

Mindfully cleaning my teeth

I've skipped a couple of days blogging as every spare moment has been taken up with planning a trip to Rome. There's still much to arrange but at least the flights are booked. Now I just need to stop dilly dallying over which air bnb is right.
It means I've not been reading either (except for the travel guide to Italy) but tonight managed a couple more chapters. I have been reminded how we can actually enjoy any mundane activity if we approach it mindfully, so cleaning my teeth tonight was an enhanced experience!
Try it!

soup season

I love autumn, and was pleased to learn my girly loves it in part for the soups. There's currently a stew in the slow cooker although that now might be tomorrow's tea cos I was unable to resist an amazing focaccia in the prison farm shop that I think would go nicely with maybe a cauliflower and macaroni cheese bake.
Somehow I fell out of the habit of going to the prison farm shop. I love it there, with its zero food miles and friendly people and cheap prices. Having not been in years, I went on friday and then again today. It's an hour round trip on foot if combining it with collecting a parcel from the sorting office, but means I've also walked the dog. I wonder if I could do a weekly cycle there, tho couldn't fit a focaccia in my backpack...

Gong bath

Like a lot of things, you really had to be there, my trying to describe the gong bath will not do it justice. It entails lying on the floor with other folk and then various instruments are played and your body absorbs those sounds. I found the gongs in particular were amazing. The sounds impacted differently, at times it felt like angels were singing in an underwater cavern. And there were other moments when it felt like I was on a runway! I have felt really chilled out since and would definitely go again. I'm investigating other options tho cos I don't want to miss singing to go.

winning at life

I want to try and spot more often the moments when I feel I'm winning at life. One is when I've already planned the meals for the day so that isn't hanging over me. That's such a quick win - maybe this weekend I could sit down and plan the whole week's meals and feel really good all week? I didn't have a bag in my pocket unusually yesterday, so when I made an unscheduled shop drop-in for cream cakes I picked up a few bits for tonight's tea but had to juggle them home. Should have bought fewer cream cakes. I might be able to resist adverts, but I can't resist offers such as 2 packs for £2. And I didn't get red lentils cos there's always red lentils in. Only of course there isn't. There is a lifetime's supply of yellow ones that need eating by November tho so now I have the challenge of finding something I can make with them for tea instead of my favourite tomato and lentil soup.

I also feel like I'm winning when I've remembered that love is the purpose. When I've managed a balance of hard work, play, giving, staying connected. When the laundry basket is empty and I've used the solar power to make it that way. When my kids both have their lunches for school. When I've finally got round to doing that tiny task that has needed doing in ages. Little things.

When do you feel you're winning at life?

Slow healing

I've just read this timely quote in a book of meditations I've been given:

"We should learn not to grow impatient with the slow healing process of time. We should discipline ourselves to recognise that there are many steps to be taken along the highway leading from sorrow to renewed serenity... We should anticipate these stages in our emotional convalescence: unbearable pain, poignant grief, empty days, resistance to consolation, disinterestedness in life,  gradually giving way... to the new weaving of a pattern of action and the acceptance of the irresistible challenge of life"
Joshua Loth Liebman

Whilst I'm not a fan of words like should and discipline, I like the honesty here.
I'm not patient and I quickly forget. I was so pleased to hear that an unanticipated bonus of the new boiler is a much improved shower experience (greater water pressure now it's not coming from the cold water tank). When my kids are happy I am happy. And so for a few hours I felt like I was getting things right and doing ok. And than all too quickly I stumble again and feel like I've made no progress at all. This quote reassures me that it's not just me, as well as that things will eventually get better.

What if everything is ok?

I'm loving so much of my dancing with life book I keep wanting to share bits, but it's perhaps best read yourself? Last night's liberating concept was to keep asking what if this all was all right. Not easy to accept as someone who frets, I'm usually asking "is this not enough?"Or "is this too much?" Today I'm going to try a different question :-)

How many tins of beans?

The book on dancing with life is great, I particularly like the exhortation "when it starts to rain, let it!" What a reminder that we imagine we can control external stuff when all we really can do is consider our reaction :-)
 I've got a way to go until I'm fully living it, but will re-read it if necessary! Meanwhile I find my brain casts about for quick fixes. I momentarily consider taking up smoking, that seems to work for some people. (Those of you who know me will testify I'll never take up smoking). As a reward for saving the nhs money by my not smoking, I've spent the cost of 4 packets of cigarettes on this instead:

http://www.knockonwood.co.uk/prod/TK-singing-bowl.htm?sid=235&

 As a student I used to consider costs of items in relation to how many tins of beans were equivalent. This new cost comparison allows for much bigger treats :-) tomorrow is the start of the new boiler being fitted. I won't add up how many beans that is. It will be a lot of cosy nights and morning's, yay!!

Shelter

The geographer in me is drawn to news stories about extreme weather. I'm glad that the guardian wrote a good piece on the different impact a hurricane can have depending on how wealthy you are. As hurricane Irma reaches Florida, having already caused devastation in the Caribbean, I feel very grateful for my home, shelter, and climate. I'm horrified that evacuation orders don't take into account those who can't fund fuel or alternative accommodation, and whilst it's good to hear of churches providing refuge, I can't imagine how scary it must be waiting for the storm to pass over.

Good vibrations

Fallen in love again today. This time with a singing bowl. Maybe i'll purchase one. Maybe i'll start prioritising getting to a gong bath, I rather think I'd enjoy one, being surrounded by healing sounds is just my kind of thing. I've done my body good today. Had a boogie and a play at the rhythm jam as well as feeling the resonance of the bowl when I got it singing. Then tonight's gospel gig was a one of our finest.

All I have to do

There are two things I know I need to be doing at the moment. I actually think they are things that we all really should be doing all of the time. They sound easy and yet I'm finding them tricky.

1. Stay present. Being in the present is actually the only place we can be, but the pull is immense to worry about the future or dredge over the past. As soon as my mind moves away from the now I wobble. I'm trying really hard to arrange as much as I can to keep me present, it's when we're in our flow. I manage this when I'm working, and when I'm singing with others. Music on my own is much harder so I find it difficult driving anywhere with the radio or cds. And spending time on my own is just challenging.  I'd hoped to do a whole day of drumming tomorrow but it's been cancelled so will have to motivate myself to do something else in the morning, then there's a rhythm jam and a choir gig later. Trying to counter the loneliness can feel like a full time task, I dont know how to see it as an opportunity instead of a battle.

2. Looking after ourselves. What would the world look like if we all were kind to ourselves, met our needs and were balanced and content? Why do we struggle so much to care well for our body/ mind/spirit? I'm aware that there's a whole lot of things I could do that would be good for me right now - phone a friend, pick up the inspirational book, get an early night. Instead I've consumed lots of chocolate, so the sugar hinders rather than helps.

I know what I need to do. It's the putting it into practice that's not so easy.

basket

I should have taken a photo of my shopping basket contents for you - I am very proud. Looking at it, you've never have guessed how miserable I have felt today, not a cake, biscuit or chocolate in sight. Instead you'd have exclaimed, "my there's a woman who knows how to look after herself!" on spotting the hummus and pitta and veg and fruit and probiotic yoghurt.

Looking after myself isn't actually quite as easy as you'd think, but I do give it a good go.

The last couple of books I've started haven't been what I needed but I think I might have now but on a winner. By the same author of "feel the fear and do it anyway" (which I also should read) this one is entitled "end the struggle and dance with life: how to build yourself up when the world gets you down". Loving it so far, all about connecting with our higher selves so we can feel the joy whatever our external circumstances. I shall keep you posted!

enough hands to hold

You already know how much I love Greenbelt. This year was one amazing thing after another for me, and there was so much I didn't go to, other people will have had very different experiences too. The first full day had such a range of wonderfulness, beginning with worship from the womb in the red tent, ending with singing in Urdu and Hindi that took me beyond midnight. In between I learned new songs, went belly dancing, shared brownies in the sunshine, watched an incredible one man performance of Paradise Lost incorporating interpretive dance and fell in love with a very present Jewish priestess.

One of the aspects I appreciate most of all is the tangible love - the love from old friends, the love from strangers in toilet queue, the love from new friends, the love from those performing and stewarding, the love I find I seem more capable of showing whilst there. I often bring some of this back with me and the world is definitely brighter after.

There are other great reviews too if you want to read, like this
http://www.pipwilson.com/2017/09/a-stunning-reflection-on-greenbelt.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+pipwilsonbhp+%28Pip+Wilson+bhp+......+blog%29

I know this has been a few days coming. Initially I wanted to add a link to a song from Sound of the Sirens. I'd not planned to see them but old friends were there so I went for a listen and caught a lyric that keeps giving me encouragement, that there will always be enough hands to hold. I can't find the song on the internet tho. Also my emotions are rollercoastery at the moment, sometimes I feel keen to share. Other times my confidence plummets and I notice myself cut myself off despite the wonderful network of support I have. The hands will always be there but sometimes reaching for them isn't so simple.