keeping on

Trying to up the exercise at the moment but my knees aren't what they used to be :)
Today's a bit of a mystery - some work and some relaxation too. Meanwhile I like this article - it talks about love in terms of a partner, but as you know I think it is possible to love lots of people well :)

https://medium.com/life-tips/how-to-keep-loving-someone-8bf33c94d9e0#.djkob1z83

Perhaps an odd cure for my headache,  but a two hour drumming session did the trick

We also used these soundsticks,  I've forgotten what they are called, but I especially liked it when we swapped them for chimes :-) I will be going back!

hearts

late back last night and early off to work so no words of wisdom from me at this juncture.

I do have a lovely pic of some tiny wooden hearts tho :)

Sorry, it's been a busy day (I'm going to fit in more work hours how when that kicks in next week??) Day isn't over yet tho, maybe I'll get time to conjour up wisdom and post it here before the day is out.
Or just sing and then watch singing :-)

nought pounds

We're off to a wedding today. It does occur to me that maybe I should have tried on the dress I plan to wear, as I've definitely put weight on since the cheese monster moved in. Hopefully it will be fine. I have various official bods I need to ring before going (and you know how I relish that). I wonder if a day will ever come when I have just set everything up to tick along and don't have to sort things anymore? I'm also trying to complete a form in preparation for will writing, which has tricky questions on it. One asks about the value of the contents of my house. This is very different from the amount needed when applying for contents insurance - that's how much money I think I would need to replace everything if it say went up in smoke. This figure is how much the kids would get if they tried to flog it all on ebay, and I can't think of any possession I have that would be worth the bother - I don't feel I own anything of financial value whatsoever. So I'm thinking of putting £0 as surely they would just take anything they didn't want to keep straight to the charity shop. I'm supposed to value the car too but all the online options seem to want my email and I don't want to go down that route. Can I put £0 for that too?

Dress fits :)
Lovely,  late lunch,  could do with a nap before the evening do starts. Shame we are not staying over but I have work tomorrow.

friends will be friends

It had been far too long since I'd seen my friend. It was very good to catch up and we won't leave it so long next time. Friends are massively important to me. Today is my first day at work since one of my friends left, that will be weird. Will see if when I get home from work there is time to ring another friend for a catch up before out for singing.

Reaction

There was a saying I saw yesterday that I like.  It goes something like :
Boiling water makes a potato soft yet an egg hard. Same situation,  it just matters what we are made of.
I'm a bit fretful at the moment but know that worry only robs us of joy in the present,  so will focus again today on the light which once again looks lovely.
Lovely light didn't last. Children and boyfriend had never been up High Cup Nick so we went but the low cloud that descended meant we couldn't see the expected views - this greyness was the space that was supposed to have views in it.

Then tonight I am due to meet a friend for a much needed catch up and love in.

Promising

The light looks more promising for pics today.
First book finished,  jigsaw with my mum started,  film 'the way' cried through. Today I hope to mainly admire the colours and share them with you in a bit.

We went out for a run in the car to Rutter falls so mum could see the colours too.
And then a final walk of this incredibly gorgeous day.

Warm welcome

Doing well with hanging out rather than being on Internet too much.  I have two books with me to try and get through too, still have lots of shelf space I need to make. Piano in the pyrenees is the one I'm hoping to finish today. But first church where they are apparently really looking forward to seeing us. Warm welcomes all round, it is so important. And can go two ways, I will try to show folk how pleased I am to be here too. Hope you too get to display to at least someone how delighted you are to see them :-)

It's rather grey today,  will try again tomorrow to get some better photos :-)

challenging

I am inspired by these words but not sure if I can live them out:

Always leave people better than you found them.
Hug the hurt
Kiss the broken
Befriend the lost
love the lonely.

Sometimes when I feel challenged I think I have reached my limit. I remember travelling to my parents once after a very draining training week, desperate to crawl into bed and spend some time recovering. On arrival we instead had to go straight to be with my Grandad as he was dying. I got to read a passage from the Bible to him (he was a minister, I'm still really glad I had the opportunity to do that).

I guess we all have depths of resources we can draw on greater than we think we have. There are some ace colours here, didn't get out walking in time to capture them well,  will try tomorrow.  Meanwhile here are some dahlias from my dad's very vibrant garden.

what does my heart say?

At first I assumed the man was shouting into a mobile phone. As he said he'd be taking them to court, I didn't want to show any nosiness so didn't look any more closely. It gradually dawned on me that he was talking about God and judgement and there was no phone, but also no specific audience for his diatribe. To be honest I was a bit worried about him, and so I was asked a fab question by the person I was with - what was my heart saying I should do? I should ask myself this question more often, I think it might help me.
I concluded my heart tells me not to ignore people, to have faith and see what happens in my paltry attempts at connection. And so we went for a chat and I'm really glad we did - he was quite softly spoken one to one, and said he'd be off back to his wife once he'd doone, so I worried about him less after that.
Sometimes I feel I have no choice other than to ignore and that never feels good. So I want to keep listening to my heart.
First day of holidays for the kids and I have an early work meeting, but am taking cake as it's my last day with one of my colleagues. And I'm looking forward to getting away tomorrow to a place with tons of trees, tho I'm a bit sad that I can't get my internet accessing device to function, my phone is fiddly but will have to suffice and it will encourage me to focus on my parents and not the world wide web in any case.

personal

A wise friend this week encouraged me not to take things personally. People make decisions for themselves all the time and it's easy to take them to heart.
Today is really windy, so I expect the lovely leaves won't linger long. Council workers were sweeping up leaves from the park path as I passed - seems a bit of a thankless task on such a windy day.  Here's a view from my bedroom window.

 

life is in the struggle?

I was talking with a friend yesterday who described herself as feeling "pants". I checked and she didn't mean the sumptuous silky kind, but the worn ones which despite repeated washing still bear skid marks. And this morning I have read this from Pip Wilson, and think it is important. I think for me it makes the fact that there is struggle, a bit easier, that the struggle isn't in vain, or even to be rushed through. And that all I can do is be alongside others as they struggle too. I often wish I had speedy scissors, or a magic wand, but I don't and despite wanting my loved ones to be happy RIGHT NOW as it can feel unbearable when they are not, all I can do is be there cheering them through the struggle (not that it's either that simple or bearable either). And of course they can't use scissors or wands either for me when I struggle, but they are there and that is enough.

I want to be whole

No I don't

To be perfect.........

Is ..........

Not to be

Not to happen.

Reminds me of the story

a man saw the butterfly struggle

as it tried to break out of it's chrysalis

so, with small scissors,

he cut through the binding, locking, gripping chrysalis

and the butterfly struggled free.

Then it flopped

fell over

could not move it's wings

weak, never to fly.

The very act in the struggle

it to gain strength.

The worst times in my life

I fear them even now

yet looking back,

they were the greatest in terms of 

living

learning

strength

wisdom

sensitivity

self awareness

life .............

I don't want to be whole.

I want to journey in that direction

I want to be BECOMING

I am BECOMING ..........

I want to shout

I want to sing

I am free

I am free

I am free indeed.

time goes by so slowly

I have unscientifically concluded that time passes much slower when I am supposed to be asleep than when I am actually asleep. I don't feel I used any of that slow time productively, tho have a vague list of things I ought to do this morning having remembered that they need doing. So I have already done the first only then realised it was a bit early to be texting someone a question. oops.
now to try others off the list before it dissipates from my brain.
I think i did everything. So now off to work. Methinks I'm going to be grumpy all day today - wonder if I can do anything about that then...

Well I'm lucky, there was a beautiful dog on my home visit today with very soft ears who happily let me stroke them, so I wasn't grumpy all day. I have been teary, but cheered by dogs and people.

to the brim

I'm hoping my wheely bin full of paper doesn't break the mechanism when it is lifted into the lorry. I once saw my binman check the contents of my inexplicably heavy green bin (curled up leaves are not weighty. It was all the fallen apples).
I couldn't get to sleep last night, which is unusual for me. Still so much to sort, mentally as well as physically. Still little steps will get me there.

Today is the sort of day where I need things to start on time so they finish on time as there is no gap before the next meeting. This has not managed to happen so far...

Busy day, and another meeting tonight. I am feeling very proud (if a bit scared) on finally booking an appointment to write my will. All far too grown up for my liking. I'm recovering with a cake and finishing my jigsaw. (finished, put away again, back to the filing cabinet grindstone but I enjoyed the interlude).

All the leaves are brown

...and yellow and green and red. But the sky is grey so they are not showing up well on my photos. I have done lots of my leafy jigsaw but the natural light has gone so have had to stop that. Also got close and personal with lots of leaves in the garden. I need to work out a way of getting them up from my gravel path as raking appeared successful until I discovered lots of it of gravel in with the leaves that I then had to pick out one by one...

... and Relax!

I'm very glad I went to see Suffragette, am keen to have my daughter see it too (and my son in time, but it's rated too old for him yet).

Last week was a bit crammed and next week isn't looking any less busy - working two evenings, singing two evenings and a school meeting before we then go away for some of half term which I'm very much looking forwards to, it's been sooooooo long since I've seen my parents. Despite my paper recycling wheelie bin already being full, on my agenda today is the clearing of the filing cabinet so I can move it downstairs. But do you know, I still really really want to do that jigsaw with the autumn leaves, and so after I've taken the car to the church fundraising car wash, I might just get the jigsaw out instead. We don't always get to do what we'd like to do, so where we can, I say Go for it!

Jigsaw started :-) and lots more scrap paper generated!

no sleep til bedtime

It was hard to get back to sleep after a nightmare that woke me at 5am. I couldn't get my boy to school in time for his trip (a trip which is happening in reality tonight). I often seem to cut things fine for time or run late. I hope that's not the case tonight. I don't think this situation is likely to get any better when I increase my work hours next  month, is it!
Sadly no choir again tonight so instead going to watch Sufragette with a friend.

two worlds collided

I was surprised to see it was midnight last night, but then remembered I had been out to sing in a gig before watching an evening worth's of tele. If I'm going to try my new way of living (lots of tele) on top of my old (none, but going out to choir) then it is going to get late. It was interesting tho to watch a programme all 4 of us - that is new too. Shame in a way that it was the apprentice, a programme I unsurprisingly struggle with due to its competitive nature. But good to be together.
In the competitive singing programme caught up on from the night before ('id been out then too) I was sad to hear the phrase "treat 'em mean, keen 'em keen". Is that really how things have to work? Not in my world :)

I've been trying (amidst a very busy work then cake day) to think what phrase I would rather have. Treat 'em kind, leave no-one behind??

And today's wisdom from the internet in my 5 min lunch break before I'm off to work again:
‘Some name it disappointment & become poorer, others name it experience & become richer’ Siegmund Warburg

do not adjust your set

I'm glad I didn't stay under the duvet, the light on the trees as I drove to work was beautiful.
There's a lot I feel I'm trying to adjust to at the moment, in all aspects of my life, and I don't feel as flexible as I would like. It's a long time since I did yoga. The phrase "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" is unhelpfully playing on my mind. But tonight hopefully someone is coming to collect the dog agility equipment we no longer have space for - it was a very popular item and once picked up I have the slightly uncomfortable task of letting all the others know that I didn't offer it to them. Someone has already emailed me a second time asking why I've not got back yet to her email of yesterday. Ho hum.
My boyfriend's bigger tele is now in our lounge and I'm not convinced people are using the remote properly, there are synching buttons on it that I'm sure are being accidentally pressed as the sound never seems to match the vision. I'm sure we'll be used to it soon.

Need some cuteness? I thought I'd posted this before but can't find it...
http://twentytwowords.com/sea-otters-holding-hands-to-keep-from-drifting-apart-while-sleeping/

no adulting today

Today you will find me under the duvet, free from responsibilities and decision making and form filling and being grown up.
Except of course that will only be in my imagination, because I am in reality up and parenting and trying to decide who to freegle all the different items to and soon off to work and then parents eve and then a meeting.
There doesn't look like much pause for breath today. I will make time for pausing for breath. And maybe holding hands with my friends to skip through piles of fallen leaves without caring if there is dog poo beneath. (in my imagination again).

run in... run out...

same as it ever was?

As you know, I'm not a fan of paperwork. Previously, my husband would file away all the electricity bills etc, and i've continued doing that. But in trying to create space I've wondered about my archive of 15 plus years of bills and wonder just why I file them away. There doesn't seem to be a good reason for it, my answer appears to be "that's the way we've always done it" which is not usually a good reason for doing anything. A straw poll amongst my friends reveals that most people, if they keep them at all, would save them only a year or two. I'm diligently removing personal info off each of them tho, so it's not as quick a process as I'd like. And my paper recycling bin is already full.

It's always good to be jolted out of a rut when doing something just because that is how it has always been done. I'm tired tho and out every night this week and right now would quite like to be unchallenged,  back in my comfort zone (with my duvet).

I've realised that the tiredness comes in part from feeling a need to justify myself instead of feeling accepting of myself - form filling never assists with that feeling!! Still trying to find an easy christmas hymn for the choir. And what I really really want to do today is start a jigsaw...

discombobulated

I was concerned for my friends who live in Turkey and spent the morning reflecting on happy times with them. I was mightily relieved to hear they are ok. They are my daughter's godparents so I was also thinking about the role i play for my goddaughter,which I have always seen as a role in which i support their parents.
Maybe enough reflecting for now. I really need to get the pool cleaned up and dismantled today. Finally! Time for  rest now:-)

little lie in

This half term is often tiring as everyone adjusts to the new expectations of a higher academic year. I've said the kids can sleep in as long as they want today, their first deadline is not til this evening. I however am off out this morning and am grateful to be sharing transport as last time I went there I got lost.
I missed singing last night but there is a gig tonight so hopefully that will re -energise me. Not only was it great to sing, but there was a debut performance by folk who are also in my Friday choir so great to cheer them on :-)

Christmas is coming (kind of)

I will at some point get back to yesterday's blog and finish the poem, just whenever I'm next inspired to do so.

Now I am officially a choir leader, I need to be a bit more organised about Christmas than my usual attitude of "I will think about it when it gets to December." And so I spent a considerable amount of yesterday rediscovering Christmas Carols with a view to what we might sing as a performance piece at the Carol Service. I'm none the wiser. Good job I started early.

I'm hoping the car will stay locked today - it's had 2 weeks now of being on and off, I booked it in once to get it checked and it started behaving itself, so cancelled the appointment. Then it played up again and I had to leave it unlocked for a couple of days at work etc, and so I took it in yesterday where it refused to play up. As a bonus tho they fixed the drivers window for free so that turned out well if not the way I expected. There's a message there :)

So far so well behaved on the car front. No choir tonight feels weird. Maybe form filling instead - not as much fun, obviously!

a work in progress for National Poetry Day

(I have to get the car to the garage, and do some work today, but I've woken with the startings of a poem that I hope to add to tweak as the day progresses...)

I wandered lonely as a cloud
is how I hear that poem goes
but when I look up to the sky
they're often bunched up in a crowd

But lonely is a state of mind
not whether we are on our own
We've all been there, that longing soul
Lots of people yet all alone

That single cloud in azure sky

commands an unrestricted view

joins its mates for later sharing

coalescing, morphs into something new

Today they are all in one big mass
no separating one from t'other
it's nice to be like that sometimes,
one big blur of sister, brother

At other times they tower tall
distinctive forms inspiring awe...

light defining something edges
something about growing more

Hmmm, I may get back to this but in the meantime have come across much better. Like this:

Hug O War
I will not play at tug o'war
I'd rather play at hug o'war
Where everyone hugs
instead of tugs
Where everyone giggles
and rolls on the rug
Where everyone kisses
And everyone grins
And everyone cuddles
And everyone wins

and this, from my friend Rachel McGladdery who is a real live poet :)
Here's a tongue-in-cheek ode to the placcy bag. (Woo, how current!)

Atom thin this crinkle and the give
I make the orange white with stretch
I fold you flatten you - your handles sticking out like shoulder straps
the safety of your two punched holes your throwaway availability

you are used and reused - re-reused to end tied tight
a shiny glutton bladder full of bits of stuff from out the bathroom bin
I hoy you (all casual like) into the darkness where you tesselate
with sighs
a subtle nestling into vacuumed space to wait for Tuesday morning.

don't give up the day job

Yesterday was a day of poems, a couple written by my friends on facebook. So here is my contribution.

October. This means I've survived another year with the Month Of Painful Anniversaries.
But why do you have to be so rainy?
Please don't dash all the coloured leaves to the ground before I have time to appreciate them all.
Thanks.

... I gather it's national poetry day tomorrow. Maybe I peaked too soon? If my headache ever goes maybe I'll construct a second verse?

profit over people

What I really want to say is "how can you sleep at night?" but I don't think that would help. I'm still scandalised by the situation - that a company could charge £318 for a change of circumstance.
Maybe it's because I'm used to the charity sector, where our focus is on people, our "success" is based on people's satisfaction, our motivation is making a difference in people's lives. I understand how in the business sector, the bottom line is profit, and so in asking them to explain to me their reasoning I know that ultimately it is because they want to make as much money as possible. I also understand the need for a financial deterrent so that people don't easily cancel their contract. But at £318 to cancel an internet package, I feel they are making money out of people's misfortune when their circumstances change.
I'm feeling a bit better having spent the whole evening asleep on the sofa. Here's hoping today is better than yesterday.

... Maybe not. Still, there's still the evening. My head isn't as bad as yesterday so hopefully I can be awake this eve :)

honey

Getting to feel lots of feelings this money having cut off a financial safety net and made official calls which have brought back sad memories. Thick buttered toast with honey and mug of earl grey methinks, my comfort snack :)

It has been a phenomenally expensive day :( I have sent a ranty email even though that means I now need to find 7 people to send praise filled emails to. I think the bottom line is that the company currently incurring my wrath is aggressively seeking profit over customer satisfaction/wellbeing and perhaps that shouldn't surprise me. It certainly has not helped my headache any.

the glove plan

Our choir did good, apparently I now have a job for life (or til I'm in my 80s, which is when the last choir leader retired). I can't even think beyond Monday, let alone into my 80s, so I will keep living presently for now.
I am a bit emotional about the changes going on about me at the moment, and I don't mean the changing of the leaves (though being hit on the head by a massive apple yesterday whilst picking the tiny ones within reach didn't help). I need to channel these emotions into activity and so am going out to tackle the pool. I have a "rag bag" on the go (clothes the charity shop cannot seel that if I presort into rags they are grateful for), which is full of odd or holey gloves following that particular sort out. My cunning plan for the afternoon is to wear those as part of the cleaning process rather than use an old tea towel, which is my usual technique. I shall let you know if that idea bears fruit.

... I shall not be patenting the idea. I was way too squeamish when the wriggly creatures got stuck to the outside of the wool. I shall go back for round two after work tomorrow. I have created tons of space tho in the garage to house it when it finally does come down. Baby steps.

happy samba

Not only did we sing 'happy' with gusto, some of us then went along to a samba drumming gig after with much dancing. There was a choreographer who like a pied piper drew youngsters to follow him. I felt too old to join in so was very grateful for the wonderful person who pulled me in anyway. I liked her and her smiliness a lot.
Today had even more singing in it, and tomorrow is the service where the choir I lead will be singing our chant, in Latin, without music. It is incredibly quiet here, time to volunteer on the helpline methinks!

room without a roof

A good half hour of singing "Happy" meant I returned from choir incredibly bouncy!! Looking forwards to performing it with equal joy at our gig tonight. The pep talk our leader gave was great - the directors of both choirs I go to have recently repeatedly used the phrase "strong and wrong" - to sing with conviction and enjoyment, even if it's not the right notes :) This way of being has been great for me to learn. Perfectionism is a trait of Virgos, apparently, but for a long portion of my life, being seen to get it exactly right was important. As a child my mum once found me in frustrated tears surrounded by many many sheets of a notepad torn off because my drawing wasn't quite right. I have mellowed since then, I love the idea that it is better to be kind than right. Doing the right thing is still massively important to me, but getting things wrong is not as fearsome as it used to be :)

I woke this morning denied - I'd just been about to taste the slab of soft caramel (like the insides of a millionaire shortbread, to be honest it would have been far too sickly without the shortbread underneath) when the caravan we were in (it started out as a cafe and my daughter was being shown how to make it) began to roll and I had to get everybody out. Even in my dreams I assume responsibility!

good to see you!

I've observed a range of welcomes this week. I was able to let someone know how much their friendly rub of my arm meant to me many years back - she did the same yesterday and it was much appreciated then too as I was incredibly nervous before my presentation. She also used the phrase "it's good to see you" more than once and it's one I use myself too - I believe we need as much affirmation of our existence as we can give to one another. I also spotted someone's dismay when a late arrival complicated the arrangements, and I realised my raison d'etre at that moment was to ensure my delight at her arrival was made abundant, to counter that initial lack of welcome. I understand that we're not always pleased by the presence of someone else, but that is our stuff to deal with and we don't have to put it on them. I know it can be a challenge and I don't suggest we go for a downright lie if we don't feel it is good to see that person - but I think we have the capacity to reach deep down inside ourselves to find the truth of what we are glad about in relation to that particular person - they are a walking miracle too if we can open our heart enough to see it :D