signed sealed delivered

It suddenly occurs to me that I may have spent my whole life making the massive assumption that other people's dreams are similar to mine. I don't know why this has now hit me and what it would mean if I discovered that one of the main features is peculiar to me and not just how it is in dreams. I don't know that I want it to be normal, I just may worry if it says something about me, but anyway, as often happens in my dream, the main person morphed into someone else and it didn't seem unusual at all. So I was happily holding the hand of one of my lovely friends (I like dreams!) when without any disruption to the dream and not even a moment of realisation, the friend was a completely different friend - different gender, from a different aspect of my life, and the dream carried on as if of course this is how it is.
Yesterday I morphed into a divorced woman - I didn't know it as I got the letter today. I'm glad my plans for today and the next few days are Gentle. I have end of month reports and data but nothing too heavy. I also have tickets booked to take my son to see something about a big hero - there's a 6 in the title and I wonder if I'll find out why - he assures me it's not the 6th in a series. I love spending time with just one of my kids as it's a great ratio for attention :) My hope is to take things east these next few days so that I'm not tired for my long trip to Dorset for the funeral at the end of the week.
But now, let's see if I can work out how to change my surname on facebook (and in case you didn't read that blog of ages ago, I'm only changing it on facebook, I couldn't bear all that paperwork to do it for real!)

everything's going my way

I'm not a fan of peanut butter but my kids are, so we always have a jar or two in. I recently (18 months ago) discovered that I am a fan of noodles in peanut sauce but have only had it a couple of times since that discovery, and never at home. Checking out the only peanut sauce available in my local supermarket, I saw it had fish oil in it (why, why would you do that?) and so thought "how hard can it be?" Now usually, the follow up to that turns out to be "considerably harder than first thought". But yesterday was not like other days. I searched for a recipe and immediately found one that used peanut butter and coconut milk (and several other ingredients I didn't have but I was happy to overlook that). To be truthful I didn't have coconut milk either, but auspiciously and for the first time ever, I had some coconut cream in my cupboard and so thinned that down with milk, added a little garlic to compensate for whatever else might have been on the list, and in less than a minute had such a scrummy sauce that - drum roll, sit down - EVERYONE ate it! This means we are now practically doubling our list of meals everyone will eat (in fairness the stirfried veg wasn't universally accepted, but we'll not dwell on that).

What is even more incredible is that this was the second time in the same day that something hadn't been way more difficult than it seemed at the start. I had learned in the morning that the shower had broken so had made a cheap purchase so that we could at least do something. There was a bit of difficulty over a stuck nut - it has been fixed like that for at least 14 years as it was like that when we moved in so I can allow for some stubbornness. But so far, so good, there is water coming from the right place and it neither cost me a fortune nor required me to leave the house umpteen times to go and get another bit from the hardware store and then another and so on and so on...

Finally - as I'd like to share my successes in threes today - my girly informed me of her need for some red felt in order to do some homework, and so I reaped the benefit of my hoarding tendencies. I may have had to spend some considerable time wading through a ridiculous amount of arty crafty supplies, but to my surprise and her relief, we located some.

So it's completely possible for things to work well. This morning the porridge has already exploded all over the microwave but I'm not taking that as any indication as to how today might go. I'm taking biscuits to my morning meeting and am looking forwards to singing later - I like Fridays :)

... the feeling of contentment lasted all day :) So I was able to tell the tenor that I was feeling content (rather than my usual summary of frustrated/mixed etc) I think it's mainly cos I have some ace friends and am feeling v grateful for them :D

not growing a pair

A friend shared a fab Betty White quote on facebook, that got me thinking about another phrase that's always annoyed me, the exhortation to "grow a pair". I almost can't be bothered to describe just how much is wrong with this (I should also maybe point out that this blog has various words that some might find explicit). It is rooted of course not just in sexism (we can be improved upon by having testicles) but also those 3 short words belittle so many people. It mainly is an attack on men and their "manliness" that they must be lacking in the trouser department if they are not displaying what is deemed as particularly "manly" attributes, usually courage, and when I've heard this phrase, it's often foolhardy courage. (Is that tautological? Do you know what I mean - a kind of bravado, it's again fits with the outrageous notion that our men are more expendable, so ought to be high risk takers. Shudder.)
I know many courageous men and women, it doesn't appear to be connected to our testosterone levels or genitalia. What I loved about the Betty White quote is her pointing out just how nonsensical the phrase is. She says

"why do people say 'grow some balls'? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough grow a vagina. Those things can really take some pounding" Betty White

Childbirth can be a time of great courage. And what irony that in our phallocentric culture, it is one of men's most tender physical spots. So are we celebrating tenderness?? Fundamentally what annoys me most is why any of us would be defined by bits on our body.

I'm aware I might be coming across as grumpy in these recent blogs - this is a venting place for me so I do thrash out ideas here. I'm actually feeling surprisingly content at the moment tho. I'm getting to do lots of supporting and that is when I feel most like I have my place in the world and am being who I'm meant to be.

Peace brothers/sisters/those not defined by such labels.

there must be a reason for it all

Must there be a reason?
Are some things just un-reason-out-able, and unreasonable?

I have found the people that I've found to be most supportive are those who don't try and somehow 'make sense' of a person's 'untimely' death. This may simply be because it's not so great to have your feelings contradicted. So if I'm feeling like it is senseless, to have someone try and apply sense to it somehow seems to undermine how I'm feeling. So it might just be that it's a comfort that someone appears to understand, or agree, or is listening and reflecting back - these are all lovely things.

I do know that not everyone thinks/feels the same way as me. For some people it is perhaps important that we can apply reason, make sense, and maybe even justify everything somehow. I find it really hard to understand how people can think that death and suffering and injustice are all part of God's plan, that "God knows what he is doing" and has a purpose in it that we shouldn't question. This attitude I try and be compassionate about as it must have served people well, but it also leaves me cross.

I guess it can be hard to live without answers. It must be a comfort to some to believe there is a divine purpose that somehow God is in control. I don't think I'm a heretic for my beliefs in a God that is not in control but is weeping alongside us.

Yesterday was holocaust memorial day and that horrific time in our history can also not be reasoned away.

It would be fair enough to conclude from my blog that I'm struggling with big issues, but truth be told life continues apace. I'm still going to work, helping with homework, wondering what to cook for tea and scrabbling round for cash to pay the person who will hang out with the kids tonight whilst I sing. There are tons of other concerns in my life too, tho mainly I'm still happy that I'm living and loving as best I can. This is just a small space to sit and muse is all.

We're singing "shackles" at the gig tonight. Had better practice!

hooded

The snugly nightshirt I recently treated myself to has a hood. This is an awesome feature, I've never been hooded before at night and now if I'm waking with a chill around my ears I just pull the fabric up over my shaven head and settle back down for more contented snoozing. My hot water bottle dog has heat seeking tendencies so at every opportunity snuffles at the edge of my duvet so he can dig his way under. I'm enjoying such cosiness. Sadly my work uniform doesn't have a hood. Do I have to get up today?

just be

The main focus of my life whilst at university centred around the chaplaincy. It was a converted house, with offices upstairs for the various lovely chaplains (one of whom I emailed only last night) and downstairs was the room where lots of us hung out, had our bread and cheese lunches, and consumed many a cup of tea. It's where I met my former husband, and I still am in touch with several of the wonderful people I formed friendships with there. There was also the chapel, a basic room that in many ways was not chapel like at all. When things were troubling me I would go there for some space and maybe a cry, and occasionally one of my friends would go and play on the piano and I'd sing along.
I'm off in a moment to go and run a supervision session, but have worked out that if I can, I'd like to go and hang out in a church for a while this afternoon. There's one just a minute's walk away so I'll try that first. I need to take a bit of time and space just to be with God a while, to cry, to rage, to work a few things through. There are things I don't think i can work out, as there is no way of resolving them, there is no sense to be made of it and that's not what I want to do.
I know I don't _have_ to go to church to do this. I don't think God is any more present in a church building than S/he is if I were to sit in my bedroom next to the hoover. But the presence of the hoover would be a distraction, whereas in church it feels I have more ability to just be for a while.

...
How can I never have noticed before just how ornate the church ceiling is?? This isn't the one I go to on a Sunday but I've still been there well over a hundred times.

bad hair day

I don't really want to go to church today. I'm dreading having to face lots of people's disappointment in me. 'What heinous sin have you committed?' I hear you gasp. Well I've once more shaved off my locks.
If people ask me why maybe I'll tell them that I get precious little time with my kids already, I don't want to spend a couple more hours away from them at a hairdresser. I tried just to trim it but I can't do that by myself so I ended up with the only hairdo I can do.
I partly go to church to worship and I don't imagine God gives a monkey's how hirsute I am. But I also go for the support I get from the community of attenders. Today I feel I want to sit alongside folk who will hold my hand whilst I cry at how sad it is that life can be snuffed out in seconds. I felt a bit cross with myself when I remembered I'd shaved my head and so might instead feel I have to spend my time defending my hair length. Then I realized I don't have to be cross with myself. I'm not responsible for how other people feel so they can feel what they need to. I know there will be love and acceptance, that's why I go, so I shall seek that out :-)

belly laughs?

My weekend started well with tons of hugs from some of my besties, so I was able to genuinely say the week was beautiful :)
I unusually have my lovely kids most of this weekend and am hoping to hang out and enjoy relaxing. There's a jigsaw of my son's choosing to finish, books to read, and I'm toying with taking them out for tea at the place that does mammoth desserts - they've not been before, I'll see if they're keen.

Apparently yesterday was belly laugh day. I didn't do any belly laughs - I had some weepy moments with some lovely listening folk, as the sadness of losing my friend and all that entails keeps overwhelming me at times. It seems so very senseless and I'm grateful to those who are alongside me in that rather than trying to make any sense of it.

Maybe today there will be belly laughs? I've made a start on watching this talk on The Science of Laughter but as it's over an hour my plan is to finish watching it later (sorry it's a long link, dunno how to get an abbreviated version of it that I'm sure would still work)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BWRoHGiwrw&utm_source=Who+Made+Your+Pants%3F&utm_campaign=d49913fc02-HUGE_50_off_sale_and_T_shirts_now_added1_22_2015&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_620f1c6af6-d49913fc02-93797917&mc_cid=d49913fc02&mc_eid=586e398a11

I've got as far as discovering that in a competition in our bodies between talking, laughing and breathing, the laughter will always take precedent and win - I've not explained that well ( never was a scientist), you'll have to listen to the talk yourself. I got my book group chums to list some books that made them laugh out loud, maybe today I'll also scour the charity shops and see if I can find something to get me giggling.

I hope whatever you do today it gets you laughing.

... No laughter here yet but I've just picked a mark steel book from my shelf, we'll see if that helps. Still hoping we'll make it our for tea.

as anybody with a kind word would know

Some days I do well filling people's boots with love. Some days less so.

I don't claim to know vast amounts about addictions, but I found this article interesting
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-hari/the-real-cause-of-addicti_b_6506936.html

It makes sense to me that what folk need is love songs. My only caveat is that I guess that we can end up blaming ourselves if our loved ones don't lose their need for their addictions - does it mean we didn't love them enough/create enough of a loving environment/help them bond with us??

The Fridays that he is at choir, there is a tenor who asks me how my week was. I hope he knows me as a mainly positive person, but each week it feels a struggle to sum up my week in an uplifting word. I feel it's important to be honest so I often say it's been difficult, at best I manage 'mixed'. I wonder if I need to change my expectations. Maybe every week just will inevitably include challenges, frustrations, loss, death, doubt, fear, shouting, disappointments and more challenges. Each week will also contain loveliness - this week I have enjoyed a book group meal out, I've had unexpected texts and emails from friends thinking of me. I've had time to read and I even got a kiss at parents evening last night. If it's all about how we see, hopefully if he asks tonight I can tell him the week has been beautiful.

anticipate!

Following on from yesterday's blog on asking people what they need, sometimes people struggle to know. sometimes anticipating people's possible needs is a very lovely thing, I know when people do it for me I feel very loved up indeed.
when i'm at events i try and go over to whoever is leading it and ask what they need in the break, as they are often bombarded so don't always get to meet their own needs.  if they are not used to me asking that question i might more directly ask would they like me to bring a drink over for them.

When I was learning to drive I had, in addition to a paid instructor, both my dad and a friend take me out on several practice sessions. The latter was someone I thought lovely who was quiet and patient and I don't remember anything other than gentle practices. Those we know best of all we can sometimes be less kindly towards, and from what I'm told (I've blocked it out) I didn't give my Dad an easy time, on one occasion abandoning the car and him at a roundabout. What i do remember more than anything is his repeated urge that all drivers need to "anticipate!" That driving requires an attentiveness that means we're on alert for any possibility that might arise - that pedestrian might step out, that driver might not turn even tho they're indicating, that car might not stop in time so let's allow more space. Etc, etc etc. It has served me well so far in terms of driving. And sometimes it serves me more broadly in life too.

I've still not dug out my de-icing tool tho. Sometimes my anticipation could do with honing ;)

tits for tots

In the last decade or so I've been involved with various breastfeeding activities seeking appropriate names. My longstanding favourite has always been "tits for tots" tho has never actually made the cut, funnily enough, but makes me grin everytime. I last heard it over the weekend from someone campaigning that the Sun newspaper stops its printing of topless women on page 3. I partly followed a radio discussion about it today and am inclined to agree with the person who said that in a decade when telling our kids we will all be incredulous that if was still happening up until now. (Assuming that the current stoppage continues and they don't restart if sales drop.)

I think it's ace when anyone stands up and says something needs to change, and then it gets changed. I can't say I did any campaigning in this other than the odd bit of social media sharing and petition signing, but all our actions big or small can add up. I love that the fairtrade movement is unimaginably larger than I ever thought it would be when I started trying to encourage people to buy fairtrade coffee by holding tastings outside a supermarket nearly 25 years ago.

These are good things to hold on to as I'm aware I'm feeling a bit frustrated in my attempts to support people, which is the way I think we change the world on a daily basis. I've realised that essentially my support tends to boil down to asking people the questions 'how do you feel about that' and 'what do you need'? And then listening well whilst people work that out. Interestingly this is also the root of my paid work, but setting that aside, yesterday I can think of at least half a dozen lovelies I tried to support and couldn't quite do it in the way I usually do. Maybe I just need more creativity/flexibility. What it mainly has highlighted tho is that it would be good to look at my need to be needed. Hopefully today I shall pay myself some good attention and ask what it is I need and then take time to listen to my answer.It's a good question to ask!!

tenacity

When a long time ago, my friend described me as having tenacity, I had to look it up. The word reminds me of tentacles which is apt, all those extra limbs to grab and firmly hold on. I know I blogged over 3 years ago on being tenacious (flogging a dead metaphor) so am not going to repeat myself. But I now find the tentacles give me a different image. I think tenacity is good but I don't think it's about clinging on at any cost. I prefer the idea of using those tentacles to juggle lots of options. That tenacity isn't helplessly hanging on, but actively trying out a range of creative possible solutions. Us tenacious people might not want to imagine ourselves walking away from a situation, part of our pride is derived from our sense that we don't give up. But I think I have lightened up a little and don't picture myself as an octopus firmly gripping and almost suffocating a situation, but a floaty creature, tentacles grazing lots of different things, knowing that I can pay attention to any of them at any time and that if I shift my attention away from one for a while, it May enable me to reflect better on it - it's not a giving up on it, just a taking time out.
I hope however you see yourself, floating, striding, hibernating or whatever, that today is love filled :-)

scraping

I had no idea where my ice scraper was so had to use my library card again, and there was only one work shoe by the front door (blooming dog).
Stayed up late last night as once I'd started working through a box of stuff it seemed better to continue rather than stop part way through. It still is at that stage of looking worse before it gets better tho. I find sorting paperwork disheartening. Unlike other decluttering which can reveal immediate improvements, paper is so high in time cost and low in volume reduction. Each piece needs reading, on both sides, to see if it needs saving - if so where, and if not, does it need to be shredded or recycled or put into the scrap pile.
So I know I worked hard but I have little to show for it. Life can be like that at times!! Busy day today in a busy week. We're having to go to drumming tonight as it's parents evening and a work session on thurs. Juggle juggle :)

bechemel

There was a lasagne kit on offer in the supermarket but I didn't like the look of some of the ingredients. Of course by then I really fancied lasagne so I decided I'd make my own. I feel I don't often cook 'properly', partly due to the lack of an appreciative audience. I am rather partial to bechemel sauce tho. Tonight's meal was well received by the majority and I have leftovers to look forwards to for lunch tomorrow.
Operation de-clutter began well. I dusted all the furniture in the dolls house and found a new home for it down the street. I definitely find it easier to get rid of stuff when I have a destination in mind. That little girl down the street may be a good incentive.
I've ground to a halt now tho, so here's a photo I took on my way to church this morning.

chance horizons

There are some lovely words adorning Preston waiting room. Waiting dreaming with you always chance horizons. They are stirring my emotions that are already well and truly stirred at the moment!!
I'm looking forwards to today and have a novel that's 1076 pages long to accompany me.
Even tho I had preordered my ticket so had to get it from the machine, I still made a point of saying hello to they guy at the ticket desk. One of the many lovely tributes I read about my friend was from a guy at his station who said he'll miss him in the mornings. Those little connections we make, they matter. Keep them up!
...
My novel is not as cheery as I'd like. I am going to seek out some laugh out loud books - suggestions welcome!
...
The atmosphere was palpably different when alighting at Preston on my return journey. Having never been to a football match, I'm definitely out of my comfort zone when surrounded by lots of fans. They seemed to be happy enough, tho the words of the songs they were singing, berating the place they were in, contrasted with the cheerfulness of their tunes.
I'm not sure what the collective noun is for a group of police officers, I suspect it depends on your experiences and view of authority. I had only earlier in the day written a thankyou card for some officers, acknowledging that their job must have many difficult tasks including telling people tragic news, and to thank them for doing this with kindness.
By the time I went to go for my connecting train the throngs had dispersed and so I stopped alongside some officers who were now chatting to each other. I thanked them for their presence and one of them tipped her head back and laughed heartily. It's not the reaction I was expecting and so has confused me a little. We laugh for all kinds of reasons so I guess I won't worry about it too much. I'm glad I'm back safely and am hoping for an early night and gentle day tomorrow as my body doesn't take kindly to being forced to cover lots of miles in a short space of time. I'd make a terrible astronaut ;)

moments of change

As you know, I'm not very patient at waiting when whatever the outcome is will have a big impact. Waiting on my test results was excruciating. I also know that this time last week I got a phonecall and things changed in that moment - tho on a far smaller scale than for others involved. So even when we're not waiting, everything can change. I don't like how that can all feel beyond my control, which of course it all is.
I also have been ultra careful whilst driving this week. We could change so many people's lives in an instant. That sense if responsibility is heavy too. No wonder I'm tired. I shall have to remember to be playful this weekend.

cosy nest

I was more annoyed than anxious when I spotted late last night that the hamster wheel had burst off the side of the cage. It was only after I'd gathered my hamster retrieval items that I then noticed he was still in his cage. I don't know if he'd gone out for a few hours of exploring and decided to come home to his warm nest, or if he hadn't even left the cage. Either way it made my life easier.
Today the wind is howling outside and I can't get warm enough. I'd quite like to make a nest and sleep in it all day. Meanwhile I'm having lots of cereal and enjoying my beautiful new bowls. My parents bought me a dinner service for Christmas, the remnants of the one I got when I got married nearly 20 years ago is not going to last much longer. I chose the new set for its colour (I think a bit darker than it's showing on my monitor but maybe that's just how my screen is set) but hadn't even seen the shape of the bowls and I'm pleased with how lovely they are :)

being church/cathedrals

I saw this quoted on facebook yesterday and it piqued my interest.
"What if people were invited to come tell what they already know of God instead of to learn what they are supposed to believe? What if they were blessed for what they are doing in the world instead of chastened for not doing more at church?"

Something to think about, from Barbara Brown Taylor's book Leaving Church

I'm happy that I go to a church where I feel encouraged to share rather than told what to believe, and am given support for my work in the world rather than badgered into doing more. But I know of others in different places who experience church differently.

I'm at a bit of a loss on several fronts at the moment. I've made my way through so many books I have now plucked another from my shelf that may or may not suit, a long novel on cathedrals in the middle ages. But I have two long train journeys on saturday for a work day so wanted to find something.

Yesterday's leaning didn't quite go to plan but I'm grateful for those of you who got in touch offering to be leaned on. You're not just being church, you're being cathedrals!!!

... Seeing as no-one has opened up a cuddle shop yet in my town, I had a think as to what to do as I really need some hugs. Thankfully I have booked a hug appointment with one of my local friends for after choir tonight. I don't think she'd describe herself as churchy but does very well what I think being church is (love, community, bringing about justice). Paul, my friend killed last week, did that well too. He also wasn't churchy and we chose him as a godparent for the values he lived out so well.   Some of the folk I find most Christ like are not people who model themselves on Christ B-)

leaning

I'm feeling "needier" than I do usually. I don't know if it's the right term, needy - I think we're all inter-related and there are times when we need to lean on others more than at other times is all. I generally do a lot of being leaned on, very happily, and right now I just need to do a mixture of leaning and being leaned on. I find I'm desperate for contact, overly grateful if people reply to a text, constantly checking if there's any more comments.
I didn't exactly do much work yesterday. Or cleaning. I did a bit of both. I did a lot of talking to people tho.
Today's another "proper" work day but I don't think the talking will stop.

nothing to say

I've not got anything to say yet today. Maybe I will later.
It's a working from home day which is good as the weather outside is frightful.
Lots of domestic chores need doing.
But mainly I'm hoping to talk to my friend, that's without doubt the most important thing today.
...
Feel SO much better for having spoken to my friend. Friends are ace. I'm feeling particularly grateful for all my friends today and wish I could hold them all in a very big squish.

what's it all about?

I phoned a friend. It's not just a Who wants to be a millionaire thing, it's an actual real life great thing to do when you're stuck and need support. She listened cos she's ace at that, but she's also given me food for thought.
I said I was wondering what it's all about and then answered my own question and said it's meant to be about the relationships we form, even tho we can then hurt when we lose the relationship. Now of course not everyone sees things the same way and tho she didn't challenge me as such, I picked up on a word she used and it got me thinking.
Is it (for me?) about relationships? Or is it about love? I guess I sometimes use those interchangeably but they are actually quite different.
For me, love in it's purest form probably isn't relational. Love at its best is unconditional and therefore not at all dependent on any comeback. Love can be given and then walked away from with no expectation of anything whatsoever in return. Whereas relationships are ongoing and messy and full of give and take, holding on and letting go, connecting but with some expectation that it has meaning beyond the moment. Now I get a clearer sense of why my loved ones might sometimes feel hurt when I talk of loving everyone and anyone in the moment without discrimination, hierarchy, or ongoing commitment.
Cos relationships can involve a commitment at whatever level to something future rather than Only In The Present. Love clearly exists in relationships - how else would we manage to do the giving as well as the receiving? The hanging in when the going gets tough. Is it a worthy aim, love without relationship? What would be lost? What would be gained? If we weren't attached does that mean we can love more purely, without the fear of loss, without the need for reprocity? Or if we weren't attached would we be floating free and not interdependent and where would that leave community which is so important to me? Being in relationship takes way more time and energy than "just" loving someone, and so there is much more limit to how many relationships we can develop. If we didn't have relationships there would be more time/energy for loving everyone we encounter. But it is in being in relationships that we get a better picture of how best to love someone, when they are in need of encouragement etc. So by having a history with someone, I may know that they'll find mother's day hard and proactively contact them. For example. By not having the relationships we can't usually learn, and work out how to love more deeply.
But there may also be times when showing love without having any relationship can have a bigger impact. When we have friendships we can perhaps expect a certain degree of care, that they will return our call, be there for us when we need them, say encouraging things etc. If a stranger does that it can show a love that isn't because we feel we have to, that's expected of us cos we're their friend.
The woman who remembered me for sitting beside her when she was upset was grateful because 'you didn't have to stop' and in a way she was right, I didn't know her so there was no 'compulsion'.
 I suspect it's a good thing to both love and build relationships - sometimes maybe without the latter, sometimes simultaneously. thankyou for bearing with me, this might seem like naval gazing but I'm trying to work out what makes most sense for me to be doing with my one wild and precious life. If it is about relationship building then random listening on a bench isn't going to be the way forwards for me.

Grief is clouding my thinking but these are things I may come back to somewhen.

And as is the way of things, from my initial one question I have no answers and more questions ;)

disbelief

I received a phonecall early this morning to tell me that one of my friends was killed last night on his bike. I'm still in shock, literally shaking my head in disbelief. It is very hard to think about anything else.
I'm godmother to one of his daughters. He was godfather to my son. Godparents can do lots of things, I feel it's a flexible role. For me I've appreciated the love and support I've had from my children's godparents - that is what has helped me parent better. I'm going to offer as much love and support as I possibly can to my friend who is now parenting alone.
... Didn't sleep much. Am very grateful that we don't have much planned this weekend. Was good last night to connect with people, in Choir I literally hung on to some of my fellow altos, and then I drove to some friends last night for hugs and reminiscing.
As you know, I love connection at the best of times - physical, emotional, mental. At the worst of times that becomes even more important. Have done well today for being in touch with people. And it's a good job my boy is happy to hug me lots. Big questions as to what's it all about?

work in progress

A friend shared this yesterday about forgiveness,

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/06/forgiveness-how-to-truly-forgive_n_6397176.html

 and my comment was that I find it can be a work in progress. I can think that ive forgiven someone only to find something similar re-occurs and I discover I'd not fully forgiven after all. But that's ok, we're all doing our best and any steps in the right direction are worth celebrating.
I have much to celebrate at the moment. My new years resolution is still going really well. I watched another film with my boy last night. It was pretty rubbish as films go, but great to hang out with him. Even if the futurama episode after made me cry.
We also took the carpet up yesterday, and reattached the floorboard so I no longer have a hole in my lounge.
And I finally allowed myself to finish my worldchanging book, the company of which I've enjoyed so didn't want to end. I've joined the online community so hopefully that will have a similar sense of having someone alongside me on my worldchanging journey. I still suspect the cuddle corner at church will be too problematic so my latest concept involves a listening bench in the park. I don't think I'll need a sign announcing it as such. I think I might just hang out and get chatting and see what happens. Tho maybe not today as it might be a long work day today.
I think we're all works in progress and simultaneously perfect just the way we are. Hope you can hold on to that today in all you have going on.xx

start a love train

Unlike yesterday when the sound failed on my phone so my alarm didn't go off (a friend has now fixed it, yay!), today it went off several times. I'm definitely on go slow this week. I keep reminding myself I can take it easy as I have lots of holiday hours I need to use up over the next couple of months. But the anxiety is there - I don't know what's around the corner. What if I'll need those hours to care for a sick family member?
Or maybe I wore myself out at choir? I had an energetic evening as we were learning a couple of new uplifting songs that I couldn't help but move to. I've noticed that I can easily pick up on other people's energy. Several people spring to mind as people who energise me - when I'm around them, I am definitely lifted and start to buzz. I was sat next to one last night so we grooved together and it was good.
Most of my close friends are people who animate me, I enjoy being around them and that enlivens me. To be fair, being a people person, I enjoy being around most people and so of course am enlivened most of the time. Right now I'm still very yawny - time to start work and reach out to people maybe? :)

Meanwhile, this is lovely on how loving each other just the way we already are is so important: http://www.handsfreemama.com/2014/05/20/to-build-or-break-a-childs-spirit/

Hope you are part of a love train today too :)

satisfying sofa snuggle success

My head's a bit full!
So many plot twists in the latest novel, I did really enjoy it and don't really care if that means I'm not cool ;) It did mean however that my brain couldn't quite get to the end of a podcast that was also bringing me enjoyment - I really like it when people offer different perspectives on "standard" theology. I tune out when people get insistent that their way of seeing is the only way, but when people good-naturedly explain their perspective I find it inspiring. Just a few mins left but will have to leave it til some point tomorrow - not before work as I get to listen to my boy reading in the assembly :) A high point of tonight was his insistence that he had Hall of the Mountain King playing in the background whilst we read together on the sofa. This year I've so far done well with my resolution and have worked much less and hung out much more. We're a week in and I've played way more than I've worked, watching a film, a comedy show and reading 2 books already. I've also spent more than I've earned - this is also very unlike me and may not be sustainable ;-)Hope you're having a similar sense of satisfaction if you are also doing well with your resolutions. And if you're not, fear not, you can start again any day, any minute, any second :)

work fulfilment

Worryingly, I can't remember if I blogged on this already. If I've mentioned this before, I'm sorry, just make yourself comfortable and enjoy the familiarity.
I was chatting with a colleague last month about how I don't do my job for the money - if I was, I'd be doing a better paid job. I concluded that if I won the lottery I'd still do the job. Now winning the lottery is one of those things I waste far too much time concerning myself about seeing as I don't do the lottery. But you get the idea. To be fair, I might not do the exact job - volunteering to do similar would give the same sense of using my skills without perhaps so much of the paperwork that I'm less keen on ;)
Today I'm reminding myself of this. I did really well last night and put my book down before midnight as I knew there was no way I could finish it. Do I take it into work today and take a proper lunch break? First day back in this job tho and I know it's going to be busy. Shall I just leave it beside my bed as something to look forwards to later?
I'm lucky to spend a lot of my time doing things that fulfil me. Best get to it :)

Yes it was busy :) Maybe I'll read before bedtime tho in my new not-working-when-the-kids-are-here regime?
:)

catch!

I apologised to a Jehovah's Witness I was walking with the other day as I felt she had been offended by my choice of words. I'd asked if they were catching folk as they came along the park and she thought I was being critical. Words can mean different things to different folk. I use the word "catch" a lot - I love to catch up with folk, it is something about getting a bit of someone's attention - I see that as a positive not negative thing. I have much loved friends who catch me when I'm falling and their gentle support stops me hitting the ground at speed.

I'm back at work properly tomorrow. Today I feel is a gearing back up day. One child still off, I'm still in my pjs, slowly but steadily working my way through my to do list/ emails I starred over the holiday so I wouldn't forget to deal with them. I went to sleep far too late last night, enraptured by my novel that I just didn't want to put down. Tempted to pick it up now as I'm still half on holiday - but then will I get anything else done at all???

Eclectic blog this morning! Just read and like this :)

Patience is a hard discipline. It is not just waiting until something happens over which we have no control: the arrival of the bus, the end of the rain, the return of a friend, the resolution of a conflict. Patience is not a waiting passivity until someone else does something. Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later and somewhere else. Let's be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand. - Henri Nouwen

I wanna hold your hand

I liked lots about the silver wedding celebration I went to last night. How brilliant that the couple drew on the talents of their friends as the entertainment for the evening. How good it was to hang out with people, some of whom I've not seen in a while. Watching and hearing about the very evident love the couple still share. My highlight tho was watching two children interact, oblivious to the social conventions we can become enslaved to as we grow older. The two little ones had a whale of a time enjoying each other's company and exploring the venue and simply having fun being with each other. Sometimes they were rolling over one another on the floor, sometimes wandering around hand in hand., sometimes giggling. They definitely looked as if they were enjoying being there, enjoying being with each other. I dont know if they are long-time buddies or had just met. They certainly had plenty to remind the adults about B-)

help, I'm trapped in my own head!

My left ear needs to 'pop' and won't, despite trying all the tips the internet affords. I'm surprised by the impact. The skin around my ear feels all spongy, like it does when I've had an injection at the dentist. And I feel more insular somehow, like my thoughts are trapped in my head, cos everytime I eat or speak its like the sounds reverberate internally. Weird. I hope it sorts itself out soon or I imagine I'll become like a bear with a sore head. I also feel I need my full hearing for tonight's singing, particularly as there's a couple of songs where I'll be beating a drum, ideally in time!
I'd forgotten choir started later last night but wasn't the only one so we had a good natter outside beforehand. Tho there was a noticeable stunned silence when I said I'd just read and enjoyed the da Vinci code.
I'll have to seek elsewhere for conversation about it (goes back to internet)...
Yes, I enjoyed reading the reactions. Maybe I just enjoy reading? I do like getting glimpses into what people think. Reading anything - novels, blogs, the lovely stephen fry's disparaging comments, all of it adds up to life in all its fulness. We're not all meant to agree on everything cos we're all experiencing life through our own lenses. I probably just like the sharing, the attempts at connection.
If you've read the book let me know what you think too :-)
Hurrah, it's just popped! Phew, I'm not weird anymore ;-)

brand new start

Fortunately every new day is the start of the rest of our lives and not just January 1st. And so today is another brand new start. I'm trying to figure if my learning is that I need to do things differently.
One thing that has been important to me is to try not to retaliate to people's hurt and resulting meanness, with meanness of my own. Repaying hate with love is an aim, but I am only human. Ideally my sense of self would be enough that I can not let people's meanness in, and can just radiate love B-) People will inevitably press my buttons throughout my life and it's not the people I need to get rid of, it's the buttons!!!
The key thing I may have to remember is that this is just the same for others. When people reject me I can take that personally, but actually all that is going on is that I am pressing someone's buttons.
Like everyone, I have tons of options as to how to respond. It would not be giving in/giving up if I made a decision to refocus my energy and move away from those who find me too much of a press in their buttons. Yes it might 'only' be their hurt that gets in the way but it doesn't mean I deserve to be hurt. I can choose to surround myself with people who happily want to be with me. Of course I can and will keep loving everyone I come across, including those who kick off. But I don't have to actively seek them out!
So whilst I can give thanks for those who show me those areas of personal development I still need to work on, I can choose to work on it at my own pace rather than place myself in a constant firing line. I have to let go of my moral highground that helps no-one. If I see it as 'sinking to their level' then it shows I've set myself up as higher than them when the truth is all of us are doing our best with the feelings we have. Their decision to move away from me as I press their buttons too much is no different from my decision. So I will keep working on how best to welcome everyone whilst knowing that I also get to make good decisions about what is right for me, and remembering that we all have way more in common than we sometimes realize!!

7 to 1

Lots of disappointments meant 2014 didn't end as well as it could but maybe 2015 will be better. Knowing that this is all down to the way that I see, I have a bit of a challenge when I get up. Unfortunately my new mortgage company have sent me a satisfaction questionnaire. Now I have explained on it that I'm not clear how many of the delays and difficulties were down to them or other agencies involved, but nonetheless couldn't score them any higher than 0 out of 10. I say unfortunately cos I hadn't planned on moaning to them, only the solicitor company with whom I intend to lodge an official complaint next week. And the consequence of this is I have more gratitude I need to now find.
If ever I am critical, which isn't that often, I try and balance the universe by following the supposed ratio that for every piece of criticism we need to hear 7 positive comments. Now actually my take on life is such that I probably tell at least 7 people a day that I appreciate something about them. But if I'm taking the time to construct a complaint, I feel I need to readjust my lenses on the world by thanking 7 people. Now next week, within my complaint, will be high praise for the one woman who went beyond the call of duty to sort the whole mess out. So I will need to then find 6 more. Having completed tonight's questionnaire and subsequently feeling let down by people, I know I need to spend tomorrow refocusing on those who give rise to gratitude. So I'll need to think of 7 companies or individuals to write to and thank. A worthy challenge, hopefully by morning some will have sprung to mind.

I've managed to thank the two people who this week helped make me feel wanted by proactively coming over to see me. Can't get further than that tho. Partly the issue is when I think of someone who did something kind recently, I've already thanked them. I'm going to have to think of people I don't normally communicate with - maybe a note to the people who collect my rubbish?

You will understand what a hideous day I've had when I say I'm looking forward to it being tomorrow, and tomorrow involves shopping.