coping strategies

I'm building up a collection of unpublished blogs. I use it as one of my coping strategies, the writing of stuff to get clarity on what is going on for me. And then conclude the world is better if I keep it to myself.
I shared a post on Facebook last night that is going down well. A whole range of coping strategies.

https://www.facebook.com/OurMindfulJourney/photos/a.281543221949017.44615.280994372003902/669542069815795/?type=3&theater

No-one as yet has taken me up on my question as to what else they would add that sometimes works for them. I did wonder if anyone would suggest alcohol, so I'm glad that hasn't happened. Given my commitment to my emotional health, it won't surprise you to learn that I employ every one of the suggested types of coping mechanisms. My main one tho is accessing my higher self (and I love that title for a set of strategies). This means that even tho it has been such a tough year, I feel I have left things in a better state than I found them.

My kids are travelling home today. Will be glad to have them back in my arms.

One of Facebook 's offerings today is:
A person who blames others, their lesson has not begun. A person who blames themselves,  their lesson is beginning.  A person who blames no-one,  their lesson is finished.

This I have found thought provoking.  I'm not sure I totally agree,  but I like the concept that we often hit out grumpily first, and it is only when we reflect on what ia going on for us that we then grow and move on from the situation.

There is another quote I'd like to share,  from Henri nouwen:
"So much of our energy, time and money goes into maintaining distance from one another. Many if not most of the resources of the world are used to defend ourselves against each other, to maintain or increase our power, and to safeguard our own privileged position.

Imagine all that effort being put in the service of peace and reconciliation! Would there be any poverty? Would there be crimes and wars? Just imagine that there was no longer fear among people, no longer any rivalry, hostility, bitterness or revenge. Just imagine all the people on this planet holding hands and forming one large circle of love. We say "I can't imagine" but God says "that's what I imagine, a whole world not only created but also living in my image"

I think I strive for a connected world and today am sad as I don't feel as well connected with as many as I'd like. I can feel the barriers. I can keep imagining tho, and see what we can create and live :-)

... today's blog has been a bit all over the place, sorry about that. Kids are back now, settled in front of their screens. Hearing the hail bounce from the window has me glad we have no plans to go out.

reluctance

Battling reluctance today.
Maybe there will be more people than I expect at the event I'm leading today.
More later when I've found my joie de vivre.

Well I've not found it yet, but if I was to place bets on where I might find it, a strong contender would be the jar of lemon curd I opened today. It was a gift from me but I can see I may well eat most of it.

There were indeed more people than anticipated this afternoon, so that was a good thing. I have a bit more work to do then will join in with the drinking.

used up?

I read a shocking statistic about how little of the stuff given at Christmas is still in use 6 months hence. The article was criticizing the novelty gifts that quickly make their way to landfill or simply sit unused a shelf. It's one of the aspects of Christmas I find hardest to stomach. Thankfully some of the items I have been given will no longer be around simply because I have already used up a goodly amount of what I've been given. I have eaten copious amounts of chocolate, cheese, and have enjoyed the two bath bombs I was given.

I spent a little of my time off looking into second hand electric, and hybrid cars. I'm still tempted but will need to save more. And then remember that most of my contracts are up for renewal in the next few months, so major outlays would be silly anyway. My current car needs a few parts that are not cheap, hence me wondering if now was the time to get something different. I shall hope it lasts me a bit longer yet.

Life is uncertain, of that we can be sure. I'm still out of emotional sorts and was running through my year in readiness to try and explain something to someone. I realised that if I was listening to myself, I would not be surprised at how I was feeling. Listening to ourselves is a good thing :-)

Just two days back at work before I can then get back to the serious task of my reading. I've started s second promising book. More once I know for definite if it's worth recommending. So far my like is based mainly on its cover and we all know you should never judge...

the day after the day after

The day after Sunday is Monday, that I'm very aware of. The day after the day after boxing day could be anyone's guess. And so it was with dismay that I was woken by the recycling truck and realised it is Monday and I'd not put the bins out. Taking my finger off the ball has its consequences. I'm keeping everything crossed that only the green bins have been emptied so far, and have just put the very full cardboard packed one out, and the not too bad but will get full soon blue one, which contains glass and tins, used abundantly at this time of year.
First world problems.
Phew, they have been emptied!!
Already thinking about being back at work tomorrow. Need to keep that at bay and focus on today.
The river level is back to zero on the now very visible marker. I've finished my book. Don't feel as happy as I'd like, but I do have an empty recycling bin.

guilt free pleasures

Today I have a date with Dan. I won't be dressing up. I was chatting to one of my scientist friends about Dan's books and she gets irritated by the inaccuracies. I said I just love the page turning story and pay very little attention to any details and any art or science mentioned doesn't really register. She borrowed another :-)
I have started the day by checking my diary - Christmas eve I missed something as I hadnt even looked at My diary. I was tempted not to look today as I really want to do nothing and would have been alarmed if I discovered it said I was on Sunday school or something. But I wanted to read guilt free and so I checked. Nothing, phew. For the same reason I checked my work email.
And now its just me and Dan :-)

Love love loving the feeling of not having any deadlines that I have to get me or my offspring to.the floodwater nearby has receded.  Here are pics taken about 24 hours apart - the depth marker can barely be seem in one, just its tip. Today I had to shield the lens with my hand as the sun otherwise made the shot impossible.

My shoulders feel so much lower than where I realise they usually are. I am going to take time out more often.

where is it all coming from?

The rain has been relentless. Driving yesterday, water pooled along the edge of each road as it simply couldn't run into the drains as there is no space left in the drains. Folks in a nearby village are once more being evacuated. Our temporary lake seems to have become a permanent feature.
It's 11am and I've still not properly got up. My plan is to do very little indeed these next few days. We have a family party this afternoon that I'm looking forward to. Then I don't intend to leave my duvet and book for a couple of days. Maybe by then the rain will have stopped.
Our nearest waterway has burst its banks.  Our house will be fine,  but sad to see everything nearby inundated.

Hope everyone is ok despite the water. Had one of the best puddings ever - bread and butter pudding with chocolate and marmalade. Nom nom.

time to go

I'm always grumpy before the kids go away, so it's a shame that every Christmas day they leave for a week.
But in better news I have just made the best roast potatoes I have ever made.
I have made many a Christmas dinner, and even once made a Sunday lunch for twenty odd folk at the homeless hostel I volunteered full time at.
But today I was a bit nervous as I usually cook alone and therefore have control. Today I was in charge whilst my boyfriend took his daughter to work, but hadn't got my usual handle on times. Anyway, all was well and I was very very pleased with the potatoes.

8.30pm and my headache means I can do no more. To bed.

I feel much better for 12 hours of sleep :-)

Trying

This year has been one of the most challenging that I can remember.  Maybe I just have a short memory as I'm getting older. But I will be glad when the year is done and I'm hoping next year will have fewer challenges,  tho realise there is not much chance of that. I take my hat off to those in trickier circumstances who manage to get through.
Some of the struggle arises from the isolation when challenges can't be made public.  I'm grateful to those who have supported me when things have been roughest. There have been many times when I've found strength to deal with things I didn't think I'd be able to. And times when I have discovered my limits.
My new year's resolution is to strengthen my support network further as changes this year means that my places where I have been able to find support have shifted.
But first Christmas.

Turns out it is harder than you'd think to deliver gifts on Christmas eve in a Santa mask. It was my friends idea that I wear a disguise - meant I kept the anonymity without having to knock on the door and run. Lots of folk weren't there tho. Maybe I'll try a different day next year. I had one opportunity to do a good listen tho, so that was worth it.

Write your name

Unaccustomed as I am to home improvements,  I didn't consider the dust that would ensue from the window being put into the loft wall. The window is ace. The dust is not. Not sure when today I will get chance to finish trying to deal with it all, last day of work for a few days, running straight into a call before going out to carol sing at the station.
Its a good job I've got some days off coming up. I'm the most stressed I've been in a long time. I think it's a big jump from 3 to 5 people's stuff, especially with all the Christmas gubbins out too. I got up two hours before my alarm to clear the clutter from the dresser so that people can use that surface.

and relax? Think it might take some time to uncoil the tightly wound spring I have become. Singing usually helps.

Siren

We're going to try and make more headway on the buffet leftovers before heading home. The siren has sounded in Appleby so we might have a detour as the bridge may be shut.

... We made it back, tho had to detour as indeed, Appleby is once more under water :(

70 cakes

The party doesn't start til 2pm. There is a vast array of cakes to be consumed this evening. Not to mention the trifles and the buffet that precedes it. But before that,  party games. And even earlier,  a walk to burn off all those calories we are about to consume.

Apparently the whole of Appleby is dressed up too. This isn't for my mum to,  but a royal post flood visit. The river is high again.

So many hours planning have gone into today,  I've been worried that there will be disappointment when it inevitably doesn't go to plan.  As always I find it tricky with so many people I want to be happy. I will keep reminding myself I'm not responsible for everyone and that we are all doing our best :-)

Will add photo of cakes tomorrow once back on my own Wifi rather than the limited one here.

The man now uncle

My parents are made up by the fact my sister has suggested that my boyfriend is now called uncle by her three boys. He is also very touched and yesterday took his role seriously and we took most of the kids on a rainy walk. We were doing pretty well following frequent reminders from myself that the stream water needed to stay below the top of their wellies.  Coming out the other side of the ghyll,  the littlest then jumped in massive puddle,  the water in which went up and then down straight inside the wellies.
I am hoping we will be entrusted to do it all over again today. It's incredibly mild here but also rather damp. I'm managing not to hang out on Facebook whilst folk are around, which is a good thing - when I went on last night I was reminded of all the events I could have been at this weekend. I'm sad not to be there as there are so many traditional favourites with some of my dearly beloveds. Those of you reading this who are at them, I hope you have a wonderful time :-) This afternoon the plan is for all 11 of us to go to chapel here for the carol service,  I hope that too will be wonderful :-)

I will hold on hope

One of the themes running through the fairytale programme that we are watching is of whether to believe people can change for the better. I like the staggered revelations as to why the "baddies" in the present became that way. They all start as good and through humiliation turn to a darker side, and I find it easier to view them kindly once their past is portrayed.
Change is tough. We can get into our well defended default ways of being and it can be hard to shift out of them.
Today has had more than its fair share of disappointments, but it has had its positives too. I can see how if you live with an attitude of belief that change is possible, we can set ourselves up to be let down. Those characters in the tv series who hold out hope are the ones dashed hardest when that change doesn't seem to have been for real. And yet so far at least, those who refuse to see the potential in others, are not those I identify with most strongly. If we don't keep looking for the best then what do we have?

Cumbria is very wet!

rushhhhhhhhhh

This is my second busiest week of the year (surpassed only by Christian Aid Week). I've been out every evening and will need to explain to our guest that it's not usually like this. It has been lovely tho - lots of celebrating with those alongside whom I volunteer and work day by day. Our singing earned the accolade of "fine" which whilst not over-enthusiastic will do in terms of praise.
The rushing doesn't stop just yet even tho school finishes today- whilst I'd love a lie in tomorrow, we have to get away early and I think the weekend celebrations will be full on. The one day of work I then come back to might be interesting - will it be trying to do a week's work in the one day? Will it mean today's day at work I'm trying to cram in lots before I leave?

Yesterday I was very glad to have time to contact some friends in need of connection rather than it all be about rushing. I think it's good to remember what it is all about, and it certainly isn't about rushing.

... Well, there was a fair bit of cramming. Now to pack, and take a book to my son's iceskating rather than dash there and back twice. Usually when we go to Dufton it is for some unwinding, I think this weekend will be different, but hopefully delightful nonetheless. I'll blog when I can but am determined to focus on my family rather than facebook :)

hug hub business plan

The short talk in the carol service got me thinking about what surprise gift I could leave on doorsteps in a festive twist on knock-a-door-run. I concluded that fun tho that would be, it probably doesn't make sense for my elderly neighbours to not have anyone be there when the bell was rung, or to have to lean down to pick up the poinsettia or chocolate orange or whatever I settle on. So it will be better to stay put to hand it over rather than leave an anonymous gift. That will be my activity on christmas eve :-)
My mind then also wandered to what I might need to do were I to set up my cuddle shop. I think it is going to be a while yet til the church community cafe is built. I wonder if it would need a Herculean effort to have a pop up shop for a week? There is one nearby that is empty at the moment. I like the idea of having a play at it for a week, not needing to set up a business account or worry about making wages, but doing it on a voluntary basis in a week's annual leave.

Actions:
Find someone who knows about week long pop up shops. How does the elec bills work? Who do I need to approach to find about renting it just for a week?

How would I advertise it, if its only for a week? Would a poster in the window be enough saying "come in for a cuddle". For now I like the name "hug hub", but wouldn't be getting a sign for just a week.

Who could I get onto a Rota to be present with me - for my safety, and safeguarding, it makes no sense to be on my own at any point.

What would I need? My plan is to offer brews, biscuits, a listening ear and hugs. A sofa would make sense, where could I get one of those and how would it get there? Could I get a supermarket to donate the refreshments? Co-op might be up for supporting that kind of thing?

... And having slept on it, I think I'm back to the thought that I don't really need a place yet - coming over the threshold I think would be too challenging for folks. My first step I think is to make a "free hugs" placard and to hang about in the park to hug and listen. No brews yet.

the shore shall wait

My intrigue was piqued by the signpost I saw on my way to the cafe where we were gathering for our meeting. Labelled "the shore" I was v keen to check it out. And so having set our next meeting destination as a cafe in Bolton le Sands complete with log fire, I set home and decided to divert to check out the shore.

Not far in tho I realised it wasn't my best decision, the car needed to get to the garage with its array of advisory lights, and I was desperate for a wee. When I encountered (for the second time today) a completely flood filled road, I did a u turn and will save the adventure for another day.

This should be sideways but right now I don't know how to do that... Best card received so far?

So back and lots of work still to do before tonight's carol service.

me myself and I

Feeling a bit like superwoman today.
Need a rest before I go out again later, tho it's for a work do so should be jolly.
Blogging is getting a bit pushed out by work and juggling everything else. Sorry.
Finallly sat down now (not checked work emails yet) and just got a text saying to go meet my boy.

(looks forwards to the 27th Dec and that fire and that book).

Back briefly and here's a quote from dodinsky I just saw and liked:
Happy people don't go through life collecting recognition. They go through life giving it away.

this time of year

Every year, this is the week my car needs to go to the garage for something or other. It's always a bit tense, as they are about to close for Christmas, I'm about to do a long journey, and I still need to get to work somehow. They have fitted it in for weds afternoon so hopefully they will sort it then. There is currently a festive display of advisory lights on the dashboard so hopefully it will be fine til then.

Meanwhile even tho it is Monday, I'm off to Blackpool. I'm a bit nervous about the afternoon's workshop, but all will be well.

It was indeed well.

sit still!

It was commented that I'm my father's daughter and don't really sit still and relax. My retort is that there is so much to do. At the best of times I rarely just watch the tv, I am usually sewing a name label into school uniform or something at the same time. This time of year I don't even watch tv from the sofa - wrapping presents, writing cards, making up a pass the parcel whilst also trying to follow the storyline.
I'm feeling run down tho and so am planning to do a lot of sitting still during my 5 days off. No simultaneously doing tasks during my supposed down time. My plan is to read, in front of the fire. And that's it!

Except of those 5 days 3 are "big days", there is always plenty to do on Christmas eve, day and then boxing day. But I'll read the day after, oh yes!

itchy tinsel

On my news feed this morning:
"Don't wait for things to get better. Life will always be complicated. Learn to be happy right now otherwise you'll run out of time."

I wholeheartedly agree with this. I think some other folk do a good job of hiding how complicated their lives are tho, and often we can think it is just us. Tho maybe I am juggling a lot right now. Not long til a break at Christmas - this year Christmas falls on good days for me and I will have 5 consecutive days off :) And prior to that a much looked forwards to long weekend with my family in Cumbria (detour to get there may be necessary).

But today there is a bit of work and some carol singing in a supermarket. I feel the need for a warmer scarf than the colour co-ordinated one I'm wearing. And I suspect the tinsel will get itchy.

.... I put the tinsel around the outside of my hat - no itchiness at all :)
This is good : http://www.pipwilson.com/2015/12/a-waste-of-paper.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+pipwilsonbhp+%28Pip+Wilson+bhp+......+blog%29

messy

Off to help run messy church before choir. Its been a day. All just stuffy stuff. Hopefully more time and space over the weekend to blog.

Someone commented that I was taking the word messy, in messy church, seriously :-) 

gotta wear shades

Scary meeting today about The Future - this is one of the things that has been keeping me awake at night - hopefully I'll feel better for having had the meeting. And whilst it's fine to notice and feel the scary feelings, it is also important to remember that nothing has so far happened in my life that I wasn't able to handle. And also right to remind myself that work is just a small part of who I am - my life is full of meaning and purpose way beyond what I get paid to do :)

fret fret worry worry

I _know_ worry only robs us of happiness. And yet it is something I'm prone to, and last night the worrying resulted in me coming up with another solution to a problem - by not letting my mind leave it alone, I worked it over and over until I came up with something I was happy with. I think it has its place.

In my work with new parents I encounter a lot of worry, but I think it's something that is supposed to happen - we are supposed to have concern for the creature we are solely responsible for. If we don't have their every little situation monitored, who will?

It's when it spills over into our enjoyment of the present that it becomes tricky. I found it hard to switch off and sing as my concern lay in  different place than the venue I was in. And I think the responsibility aspect can be tough. It's when we feel isolated, if it is all down to us.

So I get to notice that in the places where I feel solely responsible, as a single parent for example, is where I find things hard. I sent a text of thanks today to a lone carer I know, in acknowledgment of the great job they are doing. I think we all need reminding we're not in this on our own.

what day is it?

I was supposed to be switching job days around this week but because of my cancelled meeting I'm going into Blackpool today after all. But I can tell it is going to have me confused all day - I keep struggling to remember if it is Tuesday or not. In one piece of progress tho, I woke in the middle of the night, and one of my first thoughts is usually to remember what day it is and then my brain goes straight into thinking about what I must do on that day. Last night when I woke, the question formulated and a brilliant answer materialised "It doesn't matter what day it is" and I quickly went back to sleep (to dream about a cafe where they sold biscuits shaped like feet and you ordered your biscuit in shoe size according to how big a biscuit you wanted!!). I wonder if I can get my brain to do that every night?? (Not worry what day it is, rather than dream about biscuits).

Having a fire alarm go off this afternoon, when it always go off on a weds afternoon (weekly test) didn't help get my days distinguished. And singing with one voice is usually a Wednesday thing too!

Lets hope actual Wednesday is better than today's fake Wednesday!! There's likelihood of a free buffet so i have high hopes...

waterscape

My week has become more uncertain as meetings etc might be cancelled as folk can't get out of Morecambe and Lancaster. This is nowhere near the amount of disruption others I know are experiencing - no power, homes flooded, possessions ruined, roads gridlocked. There's so much we take for granted.

Our new lake had birds settled on it. Some geese flying overhead were circling as if lost - I wonder if they fly according to remembered topography and get confused when a whole new waterscape appears.
So whilst I still feel under the weather today, I'm glad that is not literal and that I'm not right now bailing out sewage from my lounge or having to shower in cold water.

rising

Head hurting. Plan to get Christmas cards written shelved for now until I'm feeling better. I'm glad the rain has stopped though aware the impact will last some time yet.

no quick fix

This week saw me attempt to answer the question what I would have done about Hitler. The question came with the presumed answer that I would have done nothing. I think there is a false concept of pacifists as passive, as I already mentioned this week.
For me the answer is always about love and relationship building. About trying to find out more about what is going on for the other person. One difficulty is that this takes time. Five quick minutes is not going to do it - though is still better than nothing, its amazing what you can find out even in 5 minutes.
Bombing is a quick in and out event. I'm sure there is much work that goes into building the bomb and training the bomber, this is why it is so expensive. Tho of course I'm glad it's expensive, if it was cheap it would happen even more often. Relationship building is not a speedy response.
Another difficulty is that because it is a sustained experience, it requires patience and tenacity. Not giving up when we get hurt or rejected. An awareness of all that is going on for us so we can stay focussed on the task in hand rather than derailed by our own doubts. Just as much training as a bomber.
It can be easy to lose heart. The results are no way as dramatic or tangible as the measurable carnage left by a bomb. Sometimes we can wonder if we made a difference at all, or actually made things worse.
Time for a sing.

Singing was fab. And I've even enjoyed making a pudding for tonight.  My parents are in an area declared dangerous but they are fine,  can't get to their nearest town, but have enough provisions to last at least month :-)

Decs

Not in a festive mood yet but girly was very keen to put up tree :)

Supposed to be giving blood today after work, will see how my cold is. Hope it doesn't make me late for choir. 

Too sneezy to give blood but not too sneezy to sing :D

violence begets violence

Very heavy hearted today that politicians have voted to kill people. Killing people is NEVER the answer. They do not represent me or the many amongst my friends who agree that violence doesn't solve anything.
Sometimes people confuse pacifism with passivity, yet some of my pacifist friends are amongst the most activist I know. I will need to grieve this decision and work out what actions I need to take now.

Well, other than designing a new profile pic, I decided that we need to reach out and be together with our feelings, rather than isolated. I was v touched that a friend messaged me a virtual hug as she knew I'd be feeling disappointed. So I similarly got in touch with someone I knew would be v sad. And then I worked out what kind of message I did want to put on facebook - an encouragement for anyone who was similarly feeling a bit powerless, to read David's fab worldchanging book, an antidote to powerlessness :)

blurry at the edges

My new glasses are taking a little bit of getting used to - the lenses aren't as large and so I am noticing the frames more - especially the red bits at the outside of my vision. No doubt it will soon be something I've totally adjusted to.
Meanwhile, today has been incredibly full on. Dashed back from one job, about the check emails from a second and then straight out to deliver a session for my third before I can go to choir for a chill out! Somedays I wonder about the wisdom of having several part time jobs.

nuns

My initial concept of nuns was formed through films (one of my favourite films when younger was nuns on the run, for example, as my blog tells me I have already told you). I then got to meet real nuns, in Ireland and England, and all those I have met have been kindly and in some cases jolly.
And so it has been a bitter blow to start reading one of the books on my shelf about the horrific experiences of a young Irish girl at the hands of nuns in the 1950s. She was let down many times and the book is harrowing. I think it is on my shelf as an unread present from my parents, an unexpected choice of gift and whilst its not a pleasant read it's certainly helping me to count my blessings, tho also having me question how some folk act the way they do.
We have so much, and so much to be grateful for.
I met a man on Sunday and on asking how he was, his response was "thankful" and it's such a wise answer, modeling a reminder of how we can be. I may steal it :-)

... I picked up my new glasses, and also did a bit of Christmas shopping :) I bought a pack of cards in each of the charity shops I went in - wonder how many I will actually write???

the answer my friend

I got to the bottom of the trays of paperwork - hurrah!
And got up at 4 in the morning to put the full paper recycling bin out once the wind had died down - kind of hurrah!
It's been a very busy day so far, I have worked hard. I'm glad lots of folks marched to show support for our climate. I still wish there was a few more hours in my day so I could do more as it feels like there is more than I can fit in.
I'm taking a pile of papers with me to the drumming lesson so I can file them into new and separate files. A time will come when things are more settled, I know that, and will keep telling myself that until I fully believe it.

huddled

I want to stay huddled indoors - the weather has been incredibly rainy and windy of late. But as we're singing a new song for advent I need to get out there. Yesterday's paperwork sorting progress was frustratingly slow and I can feel that frustration running through my body. Here's hoping today feels better all round.

 It's getting better, but so flipping slowly! A whole agonizing weekend and there's still lots to get through...

tasks

For a little while people have been asking me if I'm ready for Christmas and I've incredulously replied no, as it's such a long way off and I don't think about it til Dec starts.I know see that December is imminent and as we are going away for my mum's birthday, that kind of brings the "deadline" for being ready forwards and suddenly there's only a couple of weekends to get my act together. Meanwhile I'm also supposed to be stripping the loft ceiling of the polystyrene panels, and the main task of the weekend is supposed to be space creation for the big items that are in the process of arriving from my boyfriend's flat. This is my overflowing in-tray that has to be sorted today.
And yet my sad boy is going to be my main focus, cos I know what is important.

Argghhhh, I so dislike sorting paperwork...

new territory

After school today we will be burying a hamster. I've not officiated at a pet burial before but am probably less anxious about it than my very sad boy. We once held a family gathering to share memories of our cat when she went missing and never came back, that felt like a good way of marking something significant.
It's perhaps a time for trying out new roles - in my dreams this week I've done various things I wouldn't do in real life. Last night I was rude and sarcastic to a member of staff at a hotel/restaurant. And the night before I was an arsonist,
I'm not ready for leading choir tonight and I still haven't been to pick up my new glasses which have been ready and waiting for several days now.

My new look will need to wait for next week now. The burial was sad but important to do. I don't think any of us are yet in a suitable frame of mind for tonight's fundraising fun, hopefully we will be in a bit.

oooh into ahhh

We're learning a new song as we'll be accompanying a famous singer in one of her songs at a special gig next week. I won't be there for the gig as it's a Friday and I've missed too many of my usual Friday commitments, but it was fab to be at the rehearsal last night as there is a lovely moment where the ooohs turn into an ahhh. Maybe you had to be there.
Today's task is to see if I can turn my oohs into ahhs. I'm still both grumpy and upset about the unfairness of things. Whilst there is cause to celebrate that the working family tax credits are not going to be cut, which feels like a victory for people power, whilst one hand gives the other takes away, and cuts to public spending are going to hit hard. I can't get my head round how we can live in a nation that sees tampons as a luxury item and yet funds a new private jet for a prime minister (helicopters I gather don't have VAT on them as they are not deemed a luxury. I don't know if this also applies to private jets).
The funding for the work I do, which I know changes peoples lives, is ridiculously minimal and some days that rankles.
I went for a mood busting walk on the beach with some lovely peeps which did the trick - forgot that meant that I had the car at work (I never take it to my local job) and was part way (walking) home before I remembered...

high voltage

Apparently high voltage has caused the power cuts we have had the last 3 nights. I do like having electricity and guess it's important to have the reminder to be grateful.
I gave up my evening last night to do someone a favour and they didn't even say thankyou. It's helpful for me to recognise why I make the choices I make and notice that it's not going to work if I only do things for the appreciation :-)

This morning I have to leave at 8.45 for a meeting - this means battling against the school traffic I usually avoid on my street at that time. Yesterday there were moments when I felt even the traffic lights were against me - hopefully today will be a better day all round!

Blooming technology.  I thought I'd posted this at 8 this morning??

Grumpy about the unfairness of stuff.

new view

Just in the nick of time the man who will transform our loft came to discuss ideas. Genius that he is, he has suggested we put a window in the outside wall rather than the roof - seems blindingly obvious now but sometimes we need other people's input don't we? Before work I need to phone and check we don't need planning permission. I'm excited as it will be a view I've not seen before - our landing window is frosted so we can't see out, this will be directly above it, and whilst it won't look out over the fields, I'm still looking forwards to seeing what it will mean we can see.

I'm pleased to have been asked to do my girly's lunch as it meant I could pop in some happy birthday sparkly bits. Hope you get to spot the sparkly bits of today too.

One of the songs on the radio on the way into work involved a line about this being the best day of my life, and I do try and live like that. However today has had lots of crappy bits in it and it was a struggle to see the sparkles - there was a moment tho, so I shall hold on to that :)

thirsty

I read an article on the things we can do to try and reduce tiredness. The main suggestion I fancied involves making sure I'm not dehydrated and so drinking more water. This seemed like a quick win so I will aiming for more water this week. Ironically this then meant I woke up needing to go to the loo in the night so we will see just how well this plan goes.

Clearing out other people's stuff is infinitesimally easier than clearing my own stuff, but I'm reminded I need to take the log out of my own eye before helping others with the speck in theirs...

once upon a time

Once again I'm emotional this morning. I have a headache that I think is repressed feelings. My dreams last night came out of watching 4 episodes back to back of a fantasy tv programme involving fairytale characters stuck in modern America following a curse. My girly is up to season 5, it will take a while to catch her, but I like the strong female leads.

Its been a while since I made a cake, probably a whole year in fact. With a baker in the house I don't often have the need any more. I enjoyed doing it, and licking the spoon after has to be one of life's greatest pleasures :-)

better than expected

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning, I was feeling cold and miserable and thought the weather was the same. It is cold, but the sun is out. This is a relief as staying in bed wouldn't get the house ready for the teenage onslaught this afternoon. We're taking lots of folks to a trampolining centre before the sleepover after, I'm wondering if the 'wear them out and they'll sleep ' strategy used on toddlers and dogs will have any success at all. There is a cake - photo later - the first cake my boyfriend has ever made in the 50 years of his life. It feels like it has taken him 2 days to make and decorate it and I'm touched by the effort he has gone to. I've not had anything to do with it so me and my boy are going to be making the one for the day itself on Tuesday.

I'm pleased with the send off we gave yesterday to the last of my original colleagues. I'm feeling fearful at the moment of all the change and loss that is happening. I'm trying to remind myself that in my life experiences so far, the anticipation of how horrible it will be is never as bad as the reality, as when you are in that place of the change already happened there are new opportunities to love, and ways of loving in new ways those who were there before.

There's no rushing through those feelings I guess. Maybe if I didn't get in touch with the pain of not being with people I wouldn't be in such a good place to welcome all that is to come.

And here is my only harvest of the year. Just picked them now and put them on the windowsill to ripen as I don't think they would last another night. Funny old year.

hygge

Winter's coming, already I'm finding it too cold and its going to get a lot worse before it gets better. I'm all in favour of this:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/wellbeing/mood-and-mind/Danish-cosy-hygge-lifestyle-cosiness-winter-warmth-Nordic-Danes-Scandi-home-interiors/

Given how little I like waste, I spend a lot of time breaking up wax from candles that have stopped working and redistributing it round other candles/fashioning new wicks etc. That'll keep me out of mischief these next few months.

missing

In my late evenings I'm once again immersed in the fictional world created by Robin Hobb of assassins and dragons and people who can talk to each other instantly without needing a reliable internet connection. Some days I feel like I do have people right there in my head, but I still want to be hugging them. It's 3.30pm and I've still not yet seen either of my children today - first time this term they haven't been here in a morning, and it's like my arms are physically missing them.
I said to someone today that is is a good thing that they are missing someone - it shows that there is a real relationship there. When we miss people it is because they matter to us.
I must remember tomorrow to take the flowers and buffet goodies that I have gleefully bought to mark a last day tomorrow - tho part of me thinks we could all be way better at appreciating people before they leave. It will be my first proper opportunity to get to know one of the newbies so hopefully she will get to feel celebrated nice and early on. Maybe I need to take more cake.

in with the new (but not out with the old)

I'm getting to meet three new colleagues today. I wonder if they will like hugs. I'm hoping not to alarm them by the length of hug I will be having with an existing colleague who promised me hugs after sharing a heartbreaking post on facebook yesterday. A series of harrowing photos of Syrian children sleeping in a variety of places, displaced from their usual comforting bed, parted (permanently) from those they love. I know it is important to look for the hope but I can see how the world is also a bleak place.

https://www.facebook.com/TVRav/media_set?set=a.840006159448119.1073741858.100003162278466&type=3&pnref=story

I debated whether or not to share the link here as I want to be a harbinger of hope not despair. And yet I also know that we need to be inspired by the anger that injustice brings. Seeing these has spurred me into knowing we all need to do more. As a starter I might ask for Christmas for a warm coat to unicef, tho almost immediately I again get overwhelmed how that just Isn't Enough.

(Couldn't wait til Christmas. bought "myself" a warm set of clothing now)

Today I will be singing Inspired by love and anger. I'd like that at my funeral too please.

My hug buddy at work is awesome. Throughout my file today I found various affirming post it notes :D

clutter finds

Sat eve was the first time folk have been over for an evening meal in a long long time. It was good :) My memories of doing such entertaining before included more stress - as I have always been the one responsible for the food. Not any more :) I did discover that some of the essentials for catering for guests had got mislaid in the intervening years, so Sunday I cleared out all three dresser drawers (emptying one entirely by the time I'd thrown away my collection of wine bottle corks and reduced my stash of paper party hats for re-use). So far, so motivated. But then in trying to clear the top surface of the dresser, I came across a thankyou card we made, wrote and clearly never sent from maybe 7 years ago? And then some expired coupons - not the type where it's 10p off an item you would have never bought anyway. The sort that are simply cash equivalent and totalled over a fiver. And once more I was floored by the immensity of the task and ground to a halt. I've not really picked myself up since. It's odd how little things can do that. Instead of congratulating myself on how much I did clear over the weekend, I was scuppered by losing out on a bit of money because I can't quite keep on top of everything all at once.
Today's the start of the last 3 days with our admin marvel and I'm sad. My cuddle shop idea has resurfaced - maybe now is the time to take it seriously???
Frantic dash to get kids to opticians,  tea out after.  The busyness is a good thing when we have our loved ones with us.

Later

Not done vast amounts of work yet, but maybe it's not going to be that sort of day. Converting the loft into a teenager's den is one of the things nearing the top of my agenda - especially as it's supposed to be linked to my girly's birthday next week and as yet not much progress has been made, so I thought I'd best show willing today.
Lots of waterlogged fields out there, we went to do a quick check on the river Ribble (I do like that as a river name) and it's not threatening immediate bank breaking in the place we checked so that's good. Didn't stop for photos tho.

I need to have a work tech guy access my computer remotely this afternoon - was weird knowing that he could in theory see everything I have stored on my computer. So much of what I feel I am is here - I really must back it up.

I was right about there being evidence of love in the face of hate. I can't copy the link whilst I'm using my tablet, will try tomorrow, but for example so many Parisians went to give blood Friday night many were asked to come back later.

http://www.sfgate.com/world/article/Six-acts-of-kindness-in-Paris-that-show-love-is-6634055.php

flag of the world

I'm not familiar with Paris, it's not somewhere I've been to on holiday, tho I would be able to locate it on an unmarked map, unlike Beirut which I'm sad to say I wouldn't. I understand that lots of my facebook friends from the UK will feel more of an affinity with France as one of our closest neighbours, than with countries further afield experiencing terrorism this week. And yet I also feel a bit uneasy somehow with the way some loss of life seems less unexpected. So I understand that the day before the horrors in Paris, 43 people were killed and 239 injured in suicide bombings in Beirut. Every single one of these lives matter. Including those of the people who committed the killings. And yet there has been comparatively little reported about that news story here it would seem.
I'm in a minority amongst my FB friends in that I have not added a French flag over my profile pic. I think showing solidarity is a brilliant thing to do. I guess I'm trying to figure my own way of wanting to show solidarity with a grieving world rather than nation. Perhaps we need to design a flag for the whole of planet earth? This afternoon I will draw something I can at least change my profile pic to, even if its not going to be a contender for a global flag :-)

look for the love

I was at a brilliant party last night, dancing and playing fabulous games until late, blissfully unaware of the events unfolding in Paris. Just like everyday, how I live without any awareness of the pain, loss, anger and grief of many, many folk affected by wars and greed and incidents that don't reach my consciousness in my own bubble of existence. If they are deemed newsworthy, they briefly come and go and I just simply don't know about how myriad people's lives are changed in an instant.
Sometimes a particular horror is brought to our attention and we get to feel a whole host of feelings in response that can include powerlessness. despair and fear. And when we are scared we can lash out, wanting to blame, wanting revenge, wanting to protect all we love. My heart is warmed today by the compassion evident in my newsfeed on facebook and yet I'm aware of places where this violence has incited further violence. When confronted by this, my challenge (to myself and to everyone) is to keep looking for the love.

The campaign group Hope not hate had this status last night:
As Paris (and wider France) tonight closes up and comes to a (temporary) standstill, people in France are offering their spare beds and sofas to people who are stranded by using the hashtag ‪#‎PorteOuverte‬ on twitter. People still remain decent in this world.

And I was reminded of something I only recently read about how kindness and generosity was shown to passengers grounded when flights were suspended during 9-11:
https://www.facebook.com/Amazing.Beautiful.Things/posts/647014045426565

And when it is hard to see the actions of love - you know what we need to do then, don't you? WE need to be the love for ourselves, be the ones instigating the kindness in the face of fear. Every one of us can do that :)

Musical chairs

It was a brilliant party!  I have never before played musical chairs accompanied by the Smiths and I think that for me summed up the night. Some folk might consider a grown up party to be a markedly different event than those enjoyed as a child. I loved that we played pass the parcel as well as encouraging strangers to join the disco dancing. We were asked to take any musical instruments we could play and so I took my newly made lentil shaker which got a lot of use :)
Our party bag equivalent was a leftover jar of homemade pickled onions :-)
And despite not getting home til after midnight,  I'm up in time to walk the dog at 930 with a friend. Will be great to catch up with her, before a cleaning frenzy as we have guests for dinner tonight.

I'm glad I went to bed on a party high feeling the love without hearing any news about how hate and violence can beget more hate and more violence. Lots of loving work to do still peeps. xx

finding what we can do

love this:
http://www.metaspoon.com/typewriter-artwork-paul-smith/?fb=M1

Discovering the things we are good at and enjoy is surely key to a fulfilled existence. Even if we're not always appreciated as much as this guy seems to be - there will be days when everyone applauds us for our talents and days when they don't.

The party I'm going to tonight is being thrown to thank us for being friends of the host - a marvellous idea! I'm looking forwards to it tho am not sure how many others there I will know (to begin with?!).

...
Chance encounter in the chip shop means a lift bagged for my boy to his scout event, freeing me up to do a fly-by-hugging of my choir mates on way to party - yay, I have a (definitely not a birthday) gift I want to pass on and I don't do patience very well :)

Bah,  not doing that now as recipient won't be there. Double hugs next week!

Cinderella

I got to be Cinderella last night, one of many moments in my life where I have volunteered to get up and do something unknown rather than leave the person leading upfront without anyone willing to help. It didn't involve more than a bit of twirling whilst I sang along with everyone else, and no-one knew I was in my holey shoes rather than glass slippers.
I like that we can try out different ways of being to how we would usually be. Which aspect of your personality might you choose to play up or play down today? Wearing a shawl like scarf helped me with my twirling - maybe I will wear it again today :D

Today I am rocking the Tintin look. This is not deliberate (despite what my colleague thought yesterday when it wasn't even so pronounced).
Shaved it off now... brrrrrr.

This fits in very well with my "who will you be today?" theme :D
http://www.wimp.com/6-photographers-shoot-the-same-man/?utm_source=facebook.com/

surprising

I can't recall what I dreamed of, but I was surprised to discover it was only Wednesday when I woke - maybe felt like a long night?
I was also surprised to discover last night that the same actor (who is actually a comedian) who played Nigel in Rev was also Archie the Inventor from Balamory. Of course! And more surprising still, had a sense that maybe I had already made that connection but forgotten. My brain does not seem to be as reliable as it used to be.
I wonder what else will surprise me today.

...
(I don't think my computer running so slowly that I can't really do anything counts as a surprise). Here's a joke for a grey day:
What's blue and not heavy?
Light blue :)

when what you want is what you have

I really don't know why i was doing one of those fun online quizzes about finding the perfect dog for my personality. I don't want a dog. But what was very interesting is that in answering each question I realised that my answers match the very dog cuddled up to me right now.
I get the sense that lots of us struggle to realise that what we already have is enough. I was not happy with myself for the binge chocolate session I had before the church meeting that left me feeling a bit sick. But I felt even more sick when after the meeting I watched a programme on waste and discovered just how much food farmers and supermarkets throw out. And I can't get my head round the startling fact that in this nation we throw into the bin 10,000 items of clothing every 10 minutes. Given the plethora of bags that come through my letterbox, I simply can't understand what excuse folk have for putting clothes into a dustbin instead of giving them to charity.
Is this why I can't sleep or is it the excess sugar?

....
Ooooh, this interests me - might have to investigate further:
'Are you an ‘enthusiastic person’ in the true meaning of that word – en theos – someone inspired by and excited by God, and able to see God in all things and all people?'
A great quote from Bishop Stephen Cottrell at the memorial service for Martin Cavender.

it's only water

Yesterday had one of the scariest journeys I've ever driven in. At least I was driving, so had more control than if I'd been a passenger. The volume of water on the road was incredible and so the floods I drove through on numerous occasions were really deep, and the water hitting the car from all angles made visibility difficult. Several times I heard the phrase from a passenger saying "it's only water" - which is something I often utter myself when we're caught out walking in the rain. I may not do that any more as whilst it is trying to lighten the atmosphere, yesterday it served to heighten my feeling that no-one understood how scared I was. Whilst we might not be scared of the rain when walking in it, the "it's only water" phrase might show a lack of empathy when someone is miserable about being soaked through. Maybe it's all about tone.

I'm glad that I don't need to venture out until much later into what is another wet and miserable day. Tho in turning to this week in the diary I now see it is a busy week, with several nights out, including a party I'd forgotten means I won't be singing on Friday, but at least I can get to Wednesday singing this week for the only time in 3 weeks. Pesky busyness.

I was sad to discover the new song I'd heard is from an already famous advert. I like this parody:
http://metro.co.uk/2015/11/07/heres-a-very-different-take-on-the-john-lewis-christmas-ad-courtesy-of-goldie-lookin-chain-5487204/?ito=facebook

I have done a healthy balance of things thus far today, some work, some domestic chores, some supporting and being supported by friends, and making a shaker out of green lentils that were so many years out of date they were deemed unsuitable for tonight's stew :D

broken and beautiful together

We all got very very wet at the cenotaph but I'm glad I went. I was still the only one wearing a white poppy but I had a nod of joy from someone I knew was glad I was wearing it, so that felt less isolating. There were several folk interested in church this morning in having one from me. Maybe next year I'll even put it in the notices.

Todays words of wisdom found on facebook and attributed to Glennon Melton:

I used to say "I'm broken, fix me" then I grew up a little and said "Wait a minute, i'm not broken". And now I'm a real grown up so I say "of course I'm broken, and I love, love, love myself that way. If you're comfortable with that come sit with me and we can laugh and cry and be broken and beautiful together. But don't try to fix me, I didn't ask for that. I just asked for some good company in which to be human."

keeping warm

It's as if the rain and wind have joined forces to pummel the last of the reluctant leaves from the trees. I feel I should have made more of autumn whilst it lasted, as my favourite season of the year. Maybe its not too late, but for this morning at least my plan is to snuggle down with a book. We're out later as my girly needs warmer clothes, maybe I will look for Christmas shopping as I concede it is on its way. And tonight we are supposed to be at a fireworks display - we will see.
That'll be a no. Oh well, maybe next year.

ready?

The dog gets really scared by fireworks and remembering this we took him out for a wee just before it went dark. He then flatly refused to go out again, even at midnight when they had long stopped. So come 2am he is whining that he needs to go out. Love is the getting up without complaining and letting him out even tho I'd rather not leave my warm bed. I guess it's having the compassion that he just wasn't ready until that (inconvenient) point. I suspect the same will happen the next two nights.
For an impatient like me, I'm learning how other people's (and dog's) readiness will always be according to their timings not mine, and I think I've mellowed with age and become more accepting of that. I like that about myself :)

This quote seems to keep coming up a lot at the moment:
"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid"
Frederick Buechner.

Hope today - for you as well as me - has more of the beautiful than the terrible, and that we do a reasonable attempt of not being afraid.

...
How on trend am I? I heard the end of a lovely cover on the radio by Aurora so came home to look it up and find it was only released today :)

bigging each other up

Not enough singing or sleeping so far this week, so consequently feeling flat today. And so I rang a friend - ostensibly to see how she's doing after a tough time but turned into a mutual big-each-other- up. I do like my friends :)

It's very rainy and even when wearing shoes other than my holey ones, my feet are now very soggy.

Today has involved several instances of trying to remind various wonderful people just how fabulous they are and how in the face of seemingly not being wanted, we really really are wanted. Maybe it's because it's what I need to be reminding myself of too - how quickly we can lose sight of it amidst the detritus of life.

Wish I was here

Wasn't sure if my film choice was going to be a good one, I could do with a comedy rather than a weepy, and weep I did. But I am glad I watched it and would recommend it, great soundtrack too.

Up early today as I'm too grumpy to sleep. Which will mean I'm even grumpier later, and no singing for me today as it is another leaving do tonight, hopefully the last in a while?

Will-writing morning has arrived and am hoping they don't want answers to questions I've not prepared. Solicitor was very lovely - must take her flowers when I go back to sign it, as the way of will aid is that she gets nothing, all the money goes to charity. I'm glad I've sorted it even if I did have a little cry whilst doing it, trying to think about whether I want to be cremated or buried (the former) and what would happen if me and the kids were all killed at the same time does not make for a fun interview. I do feel rather grown up and life has been all rather grown up of late, so I wonder if I should go in fancy dress tonight for a bit of much needed silliness??

Meanwhile I have now discovered what song it is the radio has been repeatedly playing, just for me, these last few weeks. It's by U2 and there is indeed a light that never goes out. Hurrah.

on hold/holding on

So today sees the start of my longer working days and I've been on hold on the phone for over half an hour already about my working tax credits - I feel a sense of irony if that then makes me late. (Finally through now and I had to whisper "love you" as I said goodbye to the kids as they left for school, prompting a different conversation with the guy at the other end of the phone). All sorted now hopefully and feels like I've achieved something already :)
As someone whose strength isn't either paperwork or handling technical hitches, I really appreciate those people who sort that kind of thing out. The marvelous person who keeps everything together in our office has only 2 weeks more with us so I'm taking a little chocolate bar in for both of us today.
Need to keep focusing on the positive!

Night off tonight - yay! Wonder if we will watch a film or something. Feel a little under the weather so thinking of bringing the duvet down and putting the fire on. Dog already making dog shaped dents in the new sofa. I want to join him :)

little treasures

Lots to handle this morning, so I was wisely encouraged to get out for some fresh air. I found this gorgeous conker, the photo doesn't do it justice, but this side is flat as well as beautifully coloured with various brown swirls. I shall keep stroking and admiring it as the day progresses.

Before starting my work I checked down the side of the sofa that the council will be collecting later. I'm glad I did, because amongst the old toast, hair bobbles, pens and conkers (again! yet these were shrivelled), I discovered my girly's long lost keys. She will be pleased.

And once the old sofa has gone, we will be able to enjoy the new one more (new to us, a lucky find in the charity shop last week).

What an emotional morning it has been (and I don't mean saying goodbye to the sofa). I'd like to blame the government, but maybe it would serve me better not to scapegoat, that it's not about finding fault, just acknowledging how sad I feel about things changing. Good job I had my lovely conker to stroke today!! 

Thankfully the church meeting was short, so home for cake, cocoa and an early night.

  

November

I can't quite believe it is November already. The year seems to be running away from me. Last night in part of my dreams I was running away - I was in the army and getting away from the enemy. None of this running counts as actual exercise. Hopefully this afternoon I'll get out on my bike, which will count. The drumming yesterday was pretty active, now that's the kind of exercise I like :-) I tried power walking home from church but I had to keep stopping each time I bumped into people I've not seen in a while and wanted to catch up with - so I may just end up pudgy but happily connected :D

keeping on

Trying to up the exercise at the moment but my knees aren't what they used to be :)
Today's a bit of a mystery - some work and some relaxation too. Meanwhile I like this article - it talks about love in terms of a partner, but as you know I think it is possible to love lots of people well :)

https://medium.com/life-tips/how-to-keep-loving-someone-8bf33c94d9e0#.djkob1z83

Perhaps an odd cure for my headache,  but a two hour drumming session did the trick

We also used these soundsticks,  I've forgotten what they are called, but I especially liked it when we swapped them for chimes :-) I will be going back!

hearts

late back last night and early off to work so no words of wisdom from me at this juncture.

I do have a lovely pic of some tiny wooden hearts tho :)

Sorry, it's been a busy day (I'm going to fit in more work hours how when that kicks in next week??) Day isn't over yet tho, maybe I'll get time to conjour up wisdom and post it here before the day is out.
Or just sing and then watch singing :-)

nought pounds

We're off to a wedding today. It does occur to me that maybe I should have tried on the dress I plan to wear, as I've definitely put weight on since the cheese monster moved in. Hopefully it will be fine. I have various official bods I need to ring before going (and you know how I relish that). I wonder if a day will ever come when I have just set everything up to tick along and don't have to sort things anymore? I'm also trying to complete a form in preparation for will writing, which has tricky questions on it. One asks about the value of the contents of my house. This is very different from the amount needed when applying for contents insurance - that's how much money I think I would need to replace everything if it say went up in smoke. This figure is how much the kids would get if they tried to flog it all on ebay, and I can't think of any possession I have that would be worth the bother - I don't feel I own anything of financial value whatsoever. So I'm thinking of putting £0 as surely they would just take anything they didn't want to keep straight to the charity shop. I'm supposed to value the car too but all the online options seem to want my email and I don't want to go down that route. Can I put £0 for that too?

Dress fits :)
Lovely,  late lunch,  could do with a nap before the evening do starts. Shame we are not staying over but I have work tomorrow.

friends will be friends

It had been far too long since I'd seen my friend. It was very good to catch up and we won't leave it so long next time. Friends are massively important to me. Today is my first day at work since one of my friends left, that will be weird. Will see if when I get home from work there is time to ring another friend for a catch up before out for singing.

Reaction

There was a saying I saw yesterday that I like.  It goes something like :
Boiling water makes a potato soft yet an egg hard. Same situation,  it just matters what we are made of.
I'm a bit fretful at the moment but know that worry only robs us of joy in the present,  so will focus again today on the light which once again looks lovely.
Lovely light didn't last. Children and boyfriend had never been up High Cup Nick so we went but the low cloud that descended meant we couldn't see the expected views - this greyness was the space that was supposed to have views in it.

Then tonight I am due to meet a friend for a much needed catch up and love in.

Promising

The light looks more promising for pics today.
First book finished,  jigsaw with my mum started,  film 'the way' cried through. Today I hope to mainly admire the colours and share them with you in a bit.

We went out for a run in the car to Rutter falls so mum could see the colours too.
And then a final walk of this incredibly gorgeous day.

Warm welcome

Doing well with hanging out rather than being on Internet too much.  I have two books with me to try and get through too, still have lots of shelf space I need to make. Piano in the pyrenees is the one I'm hoping to finish today. But first church where they are apparently really looking forward to seeing us. Warm welcomes all round, it is so important. And can go two ways, I will try to show folk how pleased I am to be here too. Hope you too get to display to at least someone how delighted you are to see them :-)

It's rather grey today,  will try again tomorrow to get some better photos :-)

challenging

I am inspired by these words but not sure if I can live them out:

Always leave people better than you found them.
Hug the hurt
Kiss the broken
Befriend the lost
love the lonely.

Sometimes when I feel challenged I think I have reached my limit. I remember travelling to my parents once after a very draining training week, desperate to crawl into bed and spend some time recovering. On arrival we instead had to go straight to be with my Grandad as he was dying. I got to read a passage from the Bible to him (he was a minister, I'm still really glad I had the opportunity to do that).

I guess we all have depths of resources we can draw on greater than we think we have. There are some ace colours here, didn't get out walking in time to capture them well,  will try tomorrow.  Meanwhile here are some dahlias from my dad's very vibrant garden.

what does my heart say?

At first I assumed the man was shouting into a mobile phone. As he said he'd be taking them to court, I didn't want to show any nosiness so didn't look any more closely. It gradually dawned on me that he was talking about God and judgement and there was no phone, but also no specific audience for his diatribe. To be honest I was a bit worried about him, and so I was asked a fab question by the person I was with - what was my heart saying I should do? I should ask myself this question more often, I think it might help me.
I concluded my heart tells me not to ignore people, to have faith and see what happens in my paltry attempts at connection. And so we went for a chat and I'm really glad we did - he was quite softly spoken one to one, and said he'd be off back to his wife once he'd doone, so I worried about him less after that.
Sometimes I feel I have no choice other than to ignore and that never feels good. So I want to keep listening to my heart.
First day of holidays for the kids and I have an early work meeting, but am taking cake as it's my last day with one of my colleagues. And I'm looking forward to getting away tomorrow to a place with tons of trees, tho I'm a bit sad that I can't get my internet accessing device to function, my phone is fiddly but will have to suffice and it will encourage me to focus on my parents and not the world wide web in any case.

personal

A wise friend this week encouraged me not to take things personally. People make decisions for themselves all the time and it's easy to take them to heart.
Today is really windy, so I expect the lovely leaves won't linger long. Council workers were sweeping up leaves from the park path as I passed - seems a bit of a thankless task on such a windy day.  Here's a view from my bedroom window.

 

life is in the struggle?

I was talking with a friend yesterday who described herself as feeling "pants". I checked and she didn't mean the sumptuous silky kind, but the worn ones which despite repeated washing still bear skid marks. And this morning I have read this from Pip Wilson, and think it is important. I think for me it makes the fact that there is struggle, a bit easier, that the struggle isn't in vain, or even to be rushed through. And that all I can do is be alongside others as they struggle too. I often wish I had speedy scissors, or a magic wand, but I don't and despite wanting my loved ones to be happy RIGHT NOW as it can feel unbearable when they are not, all I can do is be there cheering them through the struggle (not that it's either that simple or bearable either). And of course they can't use scissors or wands either for me when I struggle, but they are there and that is enough.

I want to be whole

No I don't

To be perfect.........

Is ..........

Not to be

Not to happen.

Reminds me of the story

a man saw the butterfly struggle

as it tried to break out of it's chrysalis

so, with small scissors,

he cut through the binding, locking, gripping chrysalis

and the butterfly struggled free.

Then it flopped

fell over

could not move it's wings

weak, never to fly.

The very act in the struggle

it to gain strength.

The worst times in my life

I fear them even now

yet looking back,

they were the greatest in terms of 

living

learning

strength

wisdom

sensitivity

self awareness

life .............

I don't want to be whole.

I want to journey in that direction

I want to be BECOMING

I am BECOMING ..........

I want to shout

I want to sing

I am free

I am free

I am free indeed.