love and needs

I have been reflecting much of late on some wisdom shared by a friend. He described a circle of grace, whereby we love without expectation of gain. This contrasts with a circle of grief, when we will struggle if we are needing something in return and don't get it, if we're asking why do we do this, it can end in tears.
Unconditional love when we love and don't need anything back can sometimes be easy - particularly when we are not in ongoing relationships with them as that's when buttons can get pressed.
And yet we are all needy people, I wonder if it is possible to not sometimes need to have those needs met. Would relationships flourish if it was solely about unconditional love? I suspect there will be something in the other person that meets a need in us, otherwise would we perhaps not make connections at all. But what happens when our needs change and we no longer find our needs met by that person?
Another friend blogged this week about love being a choice not a feeling. I agree that we decide to love people, that decision may come from all kind of influences. Maybe some of our relationships start out as need-meeting and then by the time our needs change we are loving them for who they are not what they bring to our relationship. And I also know that if a relationship no longer meets the needs of the people involved, love can involve letting people go so their needs can be better met elsewhere. Tho part of me wonders if some of the needs we feel we need meeting by others are in fact things we need to meet for ourselves. So yes I have a need for companionship but part of that need I could address myself by looking at why I struggle with my own company.
So far the conclusion I've reached is that Love, I think, is a doing word that turns into a being word B-)

not sent to try us

A dog walker yesterday used the phrase "it's all sent to try us". We were already communicating at shouting distance rather than in close proximity, so rather than open a theological debate I nodded and moved on. But it's not what I believe. As often is the case, I feel I'm swimming against the tide of thought - he's not the first person I've talked with the week to hold the view that God deliberately inflicts suffering onto us for a purpose that will one day become clear. The book "Hinds feet in high places" which I've nearly finished, whilst inspiring, is based on that premis and it's just not how I see my faith journey, though can understand how that can help people get through times that otherwise make no sense. My own view of God is not one who purposefully sends challenges to check we respond with faith, but a God who stays alongside us when the going inevitably gets tough.
Yesterday lots of people were very kind to me as they could see I was struggling. We are not on our own and that I think is such a powerful message when we are finding life hard. I guess if people feel they are being tried and want to come out the other side stronger, then that can spur people on when they otherwise might give up. Both this and my perspective rely on a cheerleader God who believes we can come through. so maybe it doesn't matter if we think it's a deliberate test or not. Either way I guess we just keep listening for the cheering.

dog collars

There are coloured dog collar/harnesses that owners can use to show what their dog is like - green if they can be approached by anyone and everyone, amber if they're good with people but not other dogs and red for pointing out that other dogs and people should best keep away.  I have vicar friends to whom I've suggested a similar system of coloured dog collars! One of the aspects of ordained life is the idea in some people's minds that you are always on call, whereas vicars do need down time too. I guess that's when they take their collars off so my idea is a silly one really, if they are angry rather than walk the streets with a red dog collar they probably just take it off. But as human beings with feelings, there will be times when they feel more approachable than others.
My buttons are a bit jammed today and I know that if I don't unjam them I shall be emitting vibes that warn people off. It's a shame really - the times when we are most struggling are probably the times we need people to approach most - though with hugs and chocolates rather than bring their own burdens or criticisms!! And actually it's something I've learned well - my self awareness is such that I can and frequently do put my feelings aside so that I can be receptive to what others are bringing to the conversation and not get it too fuzzed up with my own feelings of rejection or whatever.

I really enjoyed being on the hospital ward last night and came home with more capacity than I'd left with :) To get me back in that place before work this morning I'm going to listen to a whole lot of Elaine Silver - how fab is this:
"I hear what my feelings are telling me
Is it love or is it fear putting its spell over me?
I choose love when I remember it's a choice
I choose love when I listen to the voice."

mistaken identity

A new experience for me. My boyfriend needed something from asda and as we'd been walking the dog, I waited outside with him. As is often the case, the dog was mucking about dropping and chasing his tennis balls. So I encouraged him to lie down and I squatted down next to him to try and keep him still/calm. Happily gazing at the scudding clouds I was a bit taken aback when a kind blokey offered me a pound coin. I gently explained I wasn't collecting money but said he was clearly a generous man and we chatted about dogs a bit.I'm not sure which one of us was more embarrassed, that mistaken assumption and how I could best reassure him I thought he was kind.
It's not something to be ashamed of, and any of us could need to beg at some point in our lives.Of course it means I've questioned how I might appear to others but as you probably know, I'm not too bothered as to what people think.
Earlier this year, when referring to 'my partner' the person assumed my partner was female. I was really pleased that someone would make that rather than a heterosexist assumption. I suspect that if I was in a relationship with a woman, most of the time I'd be facing folk who assumed my partner was male.
As someone who has mainly dominant rather than minority identities, it's interesting to get a tiny glimpse of how people can make wrong assumptions about who we are.
I'm leaving for work from a place other than home - now that is weird!!

it will be reet

The last couple of days have been really difficult - I'm always so emotional just before the kids go away for a few days. With lots of other worries piled on top I've been both down and stressed. Still, people have been kind - including a friend who pointed out that it would be cheaper to live in prison (which made me smile. Eventually!) My solicitor has replied and I was worrying unnecessarily anyway. Who'd have thought ;-)

I have lots of work lined up for these next few days,  including a stint at the hospital, something I've not done in years. as well as a couple of meals cooked for me. It'll be reet.

redeeming my hour

I seem to have wasted my "extra hour" by lying in bed worrying about money and my main job contract running out in March and about going to prison cos I can't remember my solicitor asking me about something. So i've got up and emailed my solicitor, which just to get her to check will then cost me the money I was worrying about spending on a bed for my girly. Sigh.

Fortunately as you may remember from a previous post on the additional hour we get at this time of year, I spend the day using it over and over. So I will try and go back to bed, get some more sleep and use it on something much more lovely later. I think maybe a film from under the duvet with the kids.

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I have spent much more time than usual this week tripping up over what I have been classifying as evidence of my failure. I KNOW this is just a way of seeing. I do know that I can change my perspective. So when all the carrier bags tumble out on me when I open the cupboard door, instead of thinking 'and here's another thing I can't keep tidy' I simply change it to 'I do care passionately about the environment and take my responsibility seriously' or something. Similarly rather than beat myself up that I've still not made optician appointments for the kids, I could focus on the fact that I cut my son's hair yesterday and paid for my girly for the first time to have a proper hairdresser session. I do know I'm doing my best, as we all are. I just need to keep telling myself loudly over the doubts that try and tell me otherwise. They are wrong and I won't let them win.

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Feeling better for some snuggle time on the sofa with - shock horror - my choice of film. I picked One of Our Dinosaurs is missing and kept my fingers crossed that just cos I'd enjoyed it as a child it wouldn't be too unwatchable for the kids used to a different quality of film. As it was, the racism had me cringe, but we all had a giggle at the moving dinosaur and I now can't get the music out of my head. Redemption is possible :)

we've got all the time in the world

I'd been sharing with someone about how when we love someone we get meshed in with them and how if we lose them the unmeshing is bound to hurt. But that they are still meshed in with us to a certain extent, even when they've gone. At which point I got choked up and cried all the way home. The radio was very helpful tho and played a song that frequently helps me when I'm wound up. Usually, part of the wound-up-ness is to do with an accompanying urgency, that as life is short I have to get it all worked out and worked out now. I'm really pleased with myself for those times I'm able to be playful and stay light and loving in the face of difficulty. And to remember that even when it doesn't feel like it, we have all the time in the world. That helps takes the pressure off and frees up our creativity, instead of forcing us in a corner where we never make our best decisions.
I hope you also are able to be in touch with how you have all the time you need :) Tomorrow is school shoe shopping and the start of the search for a mattress. I wonder if it will take all the time in the world (or just feel like it?)

And I hope sharing this works, it's fab:
https://www.facebook.com/GilbertLiz/photos/a.356148997800555.79726.227291194019670/715524315196353/?type=1

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Still teary today, and also snotty. I suspect there are going to be lots of treats put in the trolley when we finally get to the shops :)

the light within

"See the light in others and treat them as if that's all you see"
Dr Wayne Dyer

I love this quote and it's how I want to live my life :) I don't always pull it off by any means, sometimes it's tricky to overlook the stuff that crowds out my, or their light. But I do believe light is stronger than darkness. I've enjoyed chatting about Diwali with my boy. Tonight my girly is having friends over for a sleepover and marking Halloween early, as she's away next week. I'm not a fan of Halloween, mainly as I can't get over how we'd encourage children to go trick or treating, ie threatening strangers that if the kids are not given something, they will cause mayhem. I do enjoy pumpkin carving tho, and have purchased one that the moment I saw it I felt it was crying out to be turned into a Minion. (picture may follow. I have a very busy day lined up tho!)  My boy feels there's a parallel between Halloween and Diwali, with candles being placed into round objects. I'm not really convinced, but it's good to celebrate seeing the light within.

I've several brilliant books on the go at the moment. One keeps reminding me how Jesus looks on us with no disappointment in his face whatsoever. I like that. The other (Worldchanging 101: Challenging the Myth of Powerlessness) I managed a little more of last night and appreciated this:
"We are all hypocrites, in the sense that our actions will never perfectly match our values as we profess them. The question is whether we will be hypocrites who make the world a bit better today or hypocrites who spend our time calling each other hypocrites in order to excuse our inaction."

So today I'll keep doing my best to see and affirm the light rather than trip over the baggage in the dark. Whether today you see clay pots, pumpkins, shining saints or blooming nuisances, I hope you get to see just how bright and warm their inner core is :)

unexpected

I hadn't realised I'd rota'd myself off today - hurrah!
Sadly that means I really don't have any excuse for not clearing the horrors in the kitchen. And lots of other tasks I keep putting off too. Working hard is handy for putting off other things ;) And volunteering is always an endless opportunity for further procrastination of unliked tasks.
I've been thinking more about congas. Someone has to start them. But they are much more fun with lots of people. The dog has ideas of his own as to what I should be doing with this time, maybe he'll join me in a conga down the street??

conga

It really wasn't the best of starts to the day and I really tied myself up in emotional knots that have stayed all day, and having got so upset my head was then fuzzy, which made concentrating hard. So I was very very much in need of a good sing, though was a bit tempted to have an early night instead. I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo glad I went :D There were a whole host of young people who thoroughly enjoyed and joined in with the whole gig, including a fantastic conga around the aisles and a very rapturous call for "More!" at the end. An older woman looked like she was having a ball too, I was delighted to be part of bringing so much joy.
Yay for being able to do something I love and have it loved by others too :D

loyalty

I have a whole bunch of loyalty cards, tho there are several major ones I don't have cos I just don't shop in those places/can't be bothered to apply for say, nectar points. I use my Co-op one a fair bit, I like their ethics, and live very close by :)
But mainly, I'm not particularly loyal. I know for some people it's an important attribute, but it's just not one of life's key things for me. I think it is to do with the sense that loyalty should be earned - built up over time. Whereas I'm the kind of person who likes to treat everyone with as much UPR as I can, irrespective of if I've just met them or if I grew up with them. So I kind of like the idea that I will be "loyal" to anyone and everyone, I'll think the best of them, trust them, they don't have to earn and then keep that right, if you know what I mean. That I'll defend their right to be believed and liked even if I've only just met them. You may think I'm naive - not everyone likes to trust others without having a basis on which to do so. And I wouldn't advocate blindly trusting anyone and not staying in tune with your instincts - I was clear I wasn't going to teach a scary "stranger danger" of telling my children they mustn't trust everyone, but I still told them not to just go off with someone.

I really like the idea that God has no favourites (and so in my mind, no loyalty). He loves each and every one of us just as much, whether we pray constantly or if we're a mass murder.

Loyalty to all rather than a few is just how I like to see the world and it is working for me so far :)

"What's on your mind becomes what's in your life. So think the thoughts you want to see" Karen Salmansohn

knots around responsbility

my head is a bit more muddled now than when i first started thinking about responsibility.
In some ways I'm clear and i know it's both simple and complicated.
We are all responsible for one another, that's what community and society is - if we only look out for ourselves it won't work, our well being is inextricably tied up with everyone else, if there's any one of us who is not happy then none of us can be truly happy.
And I also know that some of us can take on too much responsibilty, carry the world on our shoulders, think that everything is down to us and feel responsible when actually we're not. In some ways, we're only responsible for the way we react to how we feel. I'm not responsible for how others feel, but does that mean I'm not responsible for how my actions leave others feeling.
This is where I get less clear. Let's imagine someone says something that I feel is mean - this might be deliberate or unaware. I now feel upset - is this their fault? Do I now hold them responsible or do I own the feelings as my own, triggered by someone/something external? Is it down to me to notice and then react to my feelings in the way that makes most sense to me or can I legitimately say it is them that "makes" me miserable?
I then - possibly unhelpfully - tried to use a metaphor of a car accident. Say I was arrested for driving irresponsibly that caused someone else to be physically injured. In the court I would be found guilty for causing harm - the responsibility was with me to drive with care and attention and my failure to do so hurt someone. I suspect it not only would hurt them physically but emotionally too, so has my thoughtlessness created feelings that are legitimately blamed on me?

I think I need to keep working on this. Let's eat and try again tomorrow :)

stirring up trouble on the way to peacemaking

It's no surprise to me that I'm enjoying my friend's book on changing the world. I just don't know who I want to lend it to first once I've read it! The bit that has struck me most so far, having encountered some of his ideas before, (, I think I shared that talk here several months back) concerned his definition of peacemaking. A verb, it's far from passive (tho can be pacifist) and interestingly is not about the absence of conflict. Indeed he writes that peace makers are often accused of stirring up trouble.
And so it was that last night I dreamed of carrying 2 unexploded bombs, trying to find a relatively safe/clear space to put them before calling the police to come and detonate them. The spaces I expected to be free weren't - a crowded horse show. Some big spaces I knew wouldn't look good in the news after, if I laid it in a churchyard or school field. And I kept delaying as i knew my life wouldn't be the same after, and all along kept wondering why on earth I'd made the bomb with my friends in the first place.
Raising thorny subjects, challenging the status quo is never going to make me popular. I wonder if today I'll stick my neck out or not. Some days I do, some days I stay quiet. I already know everything I do makes a difference, I'm lucky not to have been ground down by a sense of powerlessness that I see others struggle with. But I'm not a fan of conflict despite my understanding that we are all different so will have different perspectives, and that conflict can bring around positive change.
Not sure if I'll get more book reading time today, but I will try and make time as its great tohave iinspiring people urging us onwards B-)

Journey Home much easier than the one there - phew!

going slow

The low point was two and a half hours in to our one and a half journey, spotting the radio masts. My girly asked incredulously, are they the ones we can see from our house, a 15 minute cycle away? Yes, yes they are.
It was fine tho really, I don't often get such enforced close proximity with my lovelies, and we had some interesting conversations.
Looking forwards to a very gentle day B-)

beautiful mind

My boyfriend's daughter knows how to select films I'll be glad I watched. Tho I have pointed out to her I also like light comedic ones, one of my ashamed-to-admit-to favourites being "Weekend at Bernies" :) Anyhow, A Beautiful Mind was a great choice for me, thought provoking and I'm sure I'll keep reflecting on it. If you've not seen it, I'd recommend it.
It's been a good week, lots of fulfilling work, plus plenty of fun in between. I've decided I need more disco in my life so have worked on that too :) I'm looking forward to some chilling with my family this weekend, with lovely countryside walks with the hound - probably just me and him but you never know, I might persuade someone to accompany me, and if I don't, it's one of those rare occasions where I do like my own company anyway.
... Plan was to get here around 5.30. We actually arrived just before 9. Ho hum, we're here now :-)

contagious/infectious

What feels like a lifetime ago, I once did a course on medical geography. I suspect when you start to focus on patterns of deaths over time and space it becomes easy to lose sight of the incredible impact of a single death on those loved ones left behind.
I'm not a news watcher but I am disappointed that my girly only became aware and concerned about Ebola when an American died, following thousands of deaths already in West Africa. I did hear something along the lines of it being highly contagious tho not highly infections. I'm ashamed to admit I can't remember the difference between the two. My plan is if there's time between the two groups I run today, to look up of the difference. I saw a fb cartoon showing fear of Ebola in America when deaths due to obesity, tobacco and alcohol are vastly higher, Maybe it's to do with the fact we often have more say over our lifestyle choices that can result in those.
As someone who frequently makes contact with others, despite my regular handwashing and hand gel usage, I guess I'm more prone to pick up their bugs, and I'm not going to stop now. Yesterday I placed a hand on someone's back as an indicator that I was about to talk to them, and I gently grasped a stranger's elbow as part of thanking them sincerely for the difference they are making by caring enough about my street to go along picking up litter. She looked very chuffed indeed.
The internet will no doubt furbish the quickest answer to my question of the morning. But I'm hoping that whilst up the loft later to get a suitcase, I will take a quick flick through my medical geography file. All those notes I took and never look back at - would hate the learning to go to waste...

The giver?

So, I did one of those quick personality tests. To be honest, how accurate can it be when it only took about 30 secs to complete? But I quite liked the result ENFJ, since I matched the likes of Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, Oprah Winfrey and the picture was of Jesus ;) tho who decides they are those types who onlly knows. Anyway, it's only a bit of fun, tho what can be useful is my reaction to the description. I was disappointed to get the word "judging" and could relate to the feelings of loneliness - I've been reflecting on that recently.
When I did it a second time (same questions, maybe I thought about it a bit longer? I rethought my answer on the question about if I'm traditional and serious - I do see myself like that bit when I thought about it more, I don't actually think I'm very traditional at all) I replaced the judging with perceiving, ending up with ENFP, the inspirer - I think this may be slightly more like me, or maybe I just preferred the description? ;)

If you want to play along too, it's here: https://memorado.com/pti_test?r=enfp&utm_campaign=EN%2FEN_mbti&utm_content=mbti&utm_medium=viral_sharing&utm_source=FACEBOOK#.VDwcHQ6-DjX.facebook

I also very much enjoyed this blog by Nadia Bolz Weber, on saying "yes" along with her one the previous day on saying "no"
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nadiabolzweber/2012/03/the-spiritual-practice-of-saying-yes/

Today I have a bit of a dilemma around just how giving I can be. My solicitor has a form we need to complete together. As the local branch is now closed she suggested a coffee shop but I really didn't want to do it publicly so I've invited her to my house after work today. I will want to make her a brew but can't fail to be conscious that every second is costly. To offer biscuits or not, that is the question :D

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Biscuit, grapes, mug, milk all lined up ready to go so I don't have to spend a second longer than necessarily. Pressure?!
... 16 mins by my reckoning. She was as speedy as she could be, bless her, and declined brew, biscuit and grapes! I can see why she had to see me, it was to explain the form I had to sign in triplicate about how I understand I'll be imprisoned if I don't adhere to what I've agreed. Cheery. I nearly broke my neck tripping up the stairs trying to go get some info at top speed, but otherwise all went well and hopefully the last time we'll need to meet :)

eating burnt toast

I read something interesting an age ago that stuck with me. How as mothers (this may apply to others, it's not meant as a generalisation) when dishing up food, we tend to give ourselves the burned bits and give our kids the nicer looking parts. This is definitely true for me. But the article asked what message this gives both our daughters and sons, about who "deserves" the best, who deserves the crappy bits? Of course, the best response is not to burn the food in the first place, but actually there's something important in sharing the best and the worst. Putting others first is good, but if I always put first, does that mean I'm modelling that it's ok for mums to always have the rough deal? How does that prepare my son and my daughter for their future relationships (of any gender)?
I spent some of yesterday reflecting on where and why I deny myself loveliness. I'd had a small bit of smoothie - I like smoothie, but I feel as if I buy it as a treat for the children and so don't tend to have it myself. And in the spirit of trying to include myself in the loveliness, when I made banana milkshake later, I poured three rather than the usual 2 glasses. We will see if the bank breaks - I suspect not. So why am I reluctant to partake of loveliness? Do I feel I don't deserve it? I tried to do more of some of what I like yesterday. I spoke to two friends on the phone, and I ate icecream. But I'm still not quite in tune with what I want to be doing. Let's see what today brings.

no condemnation (I hope)

Nearly 13 years ago, a week before I was due to give birth, the boiler was condemned. It was given a big scary sign proclaiming DO NOT USE! Given that I was about to bring a newborn baby into the house we had to move fast so she would have warmth and warm water. I was pleased with the choice we made (the most environmental available). But I guess I'm often a bit wary that boiler engineers may do the same again and visit only to leave me a written warning and not a cosy home. Anyhow, they've rung me back this morning and are coming this afternoon and there's no reason to think they will this time condemn me to a frantic search for a new boiler. I hopefully have a couple more years to investigate options.
..,
he assures me it's not terminal yet. hurrah. he's emptied out crunchy condensate and will return with seals. I'd prefer kittens really ;)

no must about it

I've always found the word 'must' dangerous. I realise I use it myself, sometimes even when trying to be empathetic, hopefully my tone helps when I say 'that must be hard'. I'm going to try to figure better phrases tho as I simply don't like the word. I don't think there should be any must about anything.
Being a preacher is a tricky job. I sincerely thanked ours this morning cos I was very pleased to hear her speak of illegal immigrants in a refreshingly positive way. Not looking down but showing we can learn from those who have such hope. I explained I struggled more with the rest of her sermon - I think the church has a difficult role in both offering hope without suggesting that those who don't feel hope are somehow failing. To say Christians must be optimists, must be filled with hope, runs the risk - I think - of further ostracizing those feeling depressed, or currently unable to connect with hope.
I believe telling someone how they must feel ventures into chocolate teapot territory. We feel how we feel. At times we have more control over how we respond to those feelings, tho depression can take away our control. And the way we respond doesn't make us any better than anyone else either. The church has a tricky path there too.
Much more I could write but not now, as my response to my feelings today is to go and look for autumnal trees in the beautiful sun.

caged/free

If I'm on my own I sometimes just bob in to check on the hamsters before I go to bed. Discovering that one cage door was wide open was a bit alarming as the dog was lying in the same room, and they'd been alone for the last 5 hours. That hamster could be anywhere. Rather than panic I shifted the dog into his own cage and began a methodical search of the upstairs of the house, trying not to imagine that I might come across the savaged remains of a dear pet each time I lifted up a dressing gown or whatever. (Having an untidy house is not helpful at times like this.) Like life in general, listening proved to be the answer and I eventually located him in the storage cupboard under the bed in my boy's room. I don't know if I would have spent the entire night searching, but I do know I was mightily relieved to recapture him. I have taped down the bit of the cage he busted out of. I feel a little torn about it tho. I'm really not convinced that the hamster enjoys his life in his cage. To my (untrained) eye he always looks as if he's desperate to get out. I feel my desire to keep my children content blocks out my inner doubt that maybe I'm being mean by confining a hamster. I know he probably wouldn't survive long if I were to liberate him, but would he be happier with that short, unbounded existence??
In thinking about caged existence, I recalled an interesting discussion I had with a colleague many years back. I said I couldn't buy caged eggs for the project, even tho it would cost the project more for us to get free range eggs. She suggested it was perhaps a middle class luxury to be able to afford free range eggs. I am aware that there are principles I'm able to keep to perhaps only because of my middle class privilege. I'm also of the view that everyone's struggle is bound up with one anothers. It might be a romantic and ridiculous notion, but I do think class oppression is also linked to the thoughtless way we treat caged hens, and think it is only good for everyone if we speak up for both at once.
I have my own cages (metaphoric, obviously) and in some ways am comfortable with what I know and the thought of breaking out of them both exhilarates and terrifies me. Where are you caged/trapped? Do you want to break free, or is cosiness a good thing?????

demagnetized

It takes a long time to remove fifteen years worth of magnets from a fridge door - I guess as the magnets are mainly those tiny words ones for writing poetry. Maybe with our next fridge we will actually get round to writing poetry rather than have 500 random words loosely scattered all over the place?! I was amused by the irretrievably stuck word "in", wedged in an edge.

My parenting last night was awful. I saw a helpful phrase today tho. In answering the question what is the difference between a beginner and a master, the response was "A master has failed more times than the beginner has even tried" By the time my kids are 80, my parenting is going to be so awesome!! (And of course it's awesome now, I just am aware of how much better it could also be). Here's hoping today is much better.

Quorn fairy

I was the quorn fairy at work yesterday. I took in a carrier bag to share of unopened (and by now defrosted) quorn products that needed cooking that night. I have nowhere to store cooked meals so have tonight's meal left in the fridge and then that's that. Chippy tea tomorrow perhaps? Of course, I may yet manage to buy (and get delivered??) a fridge freezer today, we shall have to see.
Happily, this morning before work I have a massage booked, a very thoughtful birthday gift from my former in laws (outlaws?).
It's good timing, I've been trying not to stress about money and pesky legal processes. And this morning even before my alarm had gone off I was up having to mend both the boiler and the internet!

I keep seeing stuff about not having regrets but surely the thing about regret is you don't know til it's too late?! Seeing lots of accidents on the short distance to choir last night had me worry about losing loved ones and it's just all too hard to live as if everyone might die any second. I remember when at Uni someone died unexpectedly and for several days after I felt parting with anyone was very intense - what if this was the last time I was ever going to see them? I can't live life like that. I do show people I love them lots, hopefully that will have to be enough. Thanks goodness for this massage!!
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That is SOOOOO much better! :D
AND, fridge freezer buying was pretty painless and it's coming tomorrow :D

happy shopper

You perhaps know already I'm not a happy shopper. Some people love the whole looking at things, maybe imagining using them, owning them. I'm not one of those people. I find the trying to choose too stressy, what if I make a bad choice, should I put hours of research in? Choosing my uni I spent ages reading prospectuses. Choosing holidays I pore for hours over options trying to weigh up costs and amenities.
Choosing a fridge freezer could take months. So to help circumnavigate, I will as with all my electrical appliance buying, walk to my nearest shop and hopefully get one of the maybe 3 there. It restricts my choice and I like it that way. The kids would like an all-singing/dancing one with a big door and a light that comes on when you open the door so you can see inside. I explained I can do the latter. I imagine all fridge freezers have lights, ours just hasn't worked in their lifetime!!
I'm hoping to find one locally tonight, if not I'm much less anxious now I have a plan in place, an offer of being accompanied.
There's a long list of purchases I could make. For some time my girly has been sleeping on a mattress on the floor - she decided she didn't like the height of her previous bed and dismantled it. Only there's no longer a bed shop within walking distance so how do we begin to choose? And let's not get started on boilers yet...
But in better news, the frenzied trying to eat the contents of the freezer means I made veggie bacon butties for breakfast B-)
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One of the things about shopping local is that local places sometimes have half day closing days :( :( :(

not the midas touch

The fridge freezer seems to be on the blink. At least this helped focus my mind on tea, which was then an unusual combination of foods. My lunch today is also going to be weird. Cold roast parsnips - I do like roast parsnips but not sure about them cold for lunch. And we're going to have to have sweetcorn with every meal this week until I decide it's gone off.

Then when the expensive and hassle-ful go-kart and then butter dish also broke within minutes I was beginning to feel less positive about it all. What with the boiler being temperamental too, October could turn out to be Outrageous in ways I hadn't anticipated!!!

Usually I like Mondays, not only do I work from home mainly so have lots of flexibility, but it's the only night of the week we don't have anything on, so the evening also feels relaxed, no deadline for tea, opportunities to sit down (I watched Horizon with my girly), and a reasonable bedtime :)

All these concerns tho are only money related. My friends scan results yesterday were good and life is always way more important than money so I just need to stay focussed on that. Today is already too busy. Might have to work harder than usual to notice the joy.

Inspector Gadget, who knew?

Brrrr. My body has definitely grown accustomed to the gorgeous weather we have had of late. Today's come as a bit of a shock. I was glad that I was out to support a group first thing. I'm also pleased with myself cos the house needs hoovering and rather than do it at the weekend, I've saved it as a warm-me-up activity in between work today!!! I suspect I will have to put the heating on at some point tho!
Last week I heard a woman speak on Radio 2 and thought she was very good at her job!! She inspired me to check out further the list on the BBC's Ten Pieces for school, aimed at encouraging children to listen to more classical music. I particularly liked the way she described that day's chosen piece (Grieg's In the Hall of the Mountain King), something I've always enjoyed) by having listeners think about unfriendly trolls, linking it into more modern day films kids might have seen (The Hobbit) and finally mentioning a link with the Inspector Gadget theme tune, a connection I've never made before!! As well as hoovering and calls, and some time off this afternoon, I hope to see if I can check out how others have been described, see what else I can learn :)

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-27868018
and http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0211wsb

I'm not getting much work done, but am having a lovely trip down memory lane - Classical music did feature at my primary school, we entered assembly each day to a piece playing on the record player (!) and were asked to identify it. I also now want to watch some Morecambe and Wise films - wonder if they're on netfix?? I remember enjoying the one with Swan Lake (t'interweb tells me it's The Intelligence Men): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6wMWdxXXvo

Sadly some of my favourites are now hard to extricate from nationalism. And my walk down the aisle as a bride was to Pachabel's Canon so now listened to that yet. My afternoon off seems to have started early ;) But I really ought to go out and get provisions/walk the dog etc etc.

night clothes

Amusingly, I was so tired last night I inadvertently said good night to my clothes as I put them into the laundry basket. I think I meant to say it to the dog and was confused. Today I'm still not totally with it so am hoping to do very little. Our harvest festival was good, you may remember I do enjoy Harvest. Now I propose a family film and a very early night!

1:1

Blogging now as I expect I'll be bleary eyes when my alarm goes off at 5:30 (eep!) I've just had some cereal now to save my time first thing ;)

I'm lucky to spend lots of time with lots of lovely people. Group hanging out can be fun, seeing the interactions between people, noticing how people can ruffle others feathers or do a great job of being lovely/sparking with someone and getting the best out of people. But I'm most comfortable in one to one situations, I guess it's why I'm not so much of a party person. It can be easier to just be, in a one to one, I find, then when there's more than one. No vying for attention. I love it when I get to be with just one of my offspring as there's no balancing to be done. And one of my highlights from this summer was sat as spectators at a swimming pool whilst our kids swam, putting the world to rights with a dear friend I've not seen in a couple of years.

It's what I'd like more of and am determined to make more of. I tried phoning a friend this week for a catch up and wasn't successful but I won't give up, I'll try her again next week. And the Skype call I had with my recently emigrated friend was fabulous.

Tomorrow will be brilliant getting to see so many wonderful women, but also tricky as I won't get chance to spend enough quality time with any of them - I'd like it to be different but I can't quite figure a way. The train journeys are long, so that will be great catch up time - several of us together on the way up but might just be me on that particular train back as I allowed myself networking time. In an ideal world I'd have way more time to spend one to one with those I love, but it's not always that easy. But right now I'd best get to bed or else I'll meet myself getting up ;) Enjoy all those you choose to be with today, they're lucky people and you're lucky to have them too :D

... And home again. Shattered but enjoyed lots of mini 1:1s. I guess it'smaking the most of what Is possible!

writing in hair pins

After a couple of false starts/practices (her friend was off school), my girly is now half way through her 48 hour sponsored silence. So far she's collected £71 of sponsorship. And as well as finding it frustrating (me as well as her), it's also been quite funny at times. She's been miming, and spelling out words with her fingers, and even used hair pins to spell one word as it was all we had in the bathroom. When asking questions through a locked door I asked her to respond by number of claps :) As I predicted a couple of days back, needing to be creative. Interestingly, whereas I'd use a pen and paper, she tends to type on her phone.
I'll be glad when she is talking again (tho that will be after I drop her off tomorrow so I won't get to hear her for some time more yet.) When I grow up I want to be like her :D

My fave quote for today is "Be a fountain, not a drain" Since blogging on it earlier this week, I've made more of a conscious effort than usual to respond with love, even if I've not felt chipper. It's been good to keep thinking, "OK, I might feel upset that this person is charging me this but right now how can I act with love?" or catching a stranger's eye and thinking "how do I convey that I'm glad they're alive?"

Friday is my leave for work early day - but not as early as tomorrow when my train leaves Preston at 6.40. Will need to get some matchsticks!!

haste/speed

Yesterday really didn't have enough minutes in it. I'm hoping today has a few more. I know time doesn't quite work like that, but like beauty, I think time is in the eye of the beholder. I was reminded of the phrase about taking half an hour to meditate every day, unless you're very busy, in which case you should take an hour to meditate :D I don't really do any meditating time, but I was pleased that in a non-stop day I still took time on several occasions to be kind. If I ever get too busy to be kind then something somewhere has gone very wrong indeed. I have discovered that when typing on my phone, apart from some wild predictions, it does seem to know what I might want to write from just my first letter so if I actually slow down, I can mainly just use the first letter, I'd been typing much more of each word before now. I'm sure there's a lesson in there somewhere ;)

The first day of Outrageous October began and ended with clearing up dog sick. This isn't quite what I had in mind, let's see what today holds!

Proud

My girly is today starting a two day sponsored silence. Staying quiet for that long is unimaginable (I couldn’t do it). I’m a bit worried about it (I might forget and talk to her in a way that doesn't remind her she needs to respond without talking). But mainly I’m massively proud. She’s doing it alongside one of her friends whose Auntie has cancer and she wanted to do something before her Auntie dies. The 2 girls have planned it all themselves and got the school on board. 

My initial thought was how lovely it will be to not have the inevitable sibling arguing that I'm sure goes on in every home around the world. But then I remembered that falling out often comes from a place of powerlessness, and to not be able to use your voice is an extreme position of powerlessness, so feelings may be magnified and we'll all have to be extra creative to make sure we have as much fairness as possible. She was most sad about not being able to talk to her pets (who won't understand what she's doing) so I was pleased to remember the article that said dogs respond better to touch than non verbal praise. I said her mum is the same ;)