all that is solid melts into air

very wobbly day yesterday. lots of choc and my comfort staple of beans on toast on white bread with lots of butter. for me i think a lot of fear arises when we confuse the present with the past. something happens in the now and it transports us back to something tricky from the past and we think "here we go again". But now is not the same as then. Since then we have learned new ways of being, we are not who we were then and whatever it is won't be the same as we're not the same. and anyway, just cos someone or something reminds us of a past thing, doesn't make it the same in anycase. and as I reminded a friend only the other day, and have been reminded by good friends before, I have a 100% track rate of getting through rough days, which is pretty good :)

Today my hope is to cycle the guild wheel as that's something I've been wanting to do for some time. A couple of one voice folk are going so it should be fun.

clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth

I did a lot of clapping yesterday! Not just applauding the happy couple, but additionally along to some fab tunes at the disco. Happy definitely seemed order of the day - I've never seen the bride's parents beam so much, and the groom said his cheeks were hurting from so much delighted grinning! It was joyous to behold. And to participate in - I too did a lot of smiling, and also some crying! The heartfelt speeches moved me to tears several times. And one tricky moment when I couldn't connect with my kids and the emotion of the day all got to me, someone lovely just leaned against me til I got it back together - you know who you are, thankyou.

It was great to connect with people, some of whom I don't see often at all, or usually in person. Loud music made much conversing hard, but that's when connecting through the medium of dance comes in!! Pictured here is the tallest and smallest guest dancing together in joy :D

After several days of intense happenings and much driving with little sleep, I finally slept in for hours and hours. Today will be gentle tho it's about time I tidied up the drying tents strewn across every floor or hanging surface.

are we nearly there yet?

It's likely I'll spend much of today on the road - however for the majority of the journey I won't have to referee or be encouraging about how we're nearly there. And I'll be the one who gets to choose the music.
I have a rehearsal deadline and a dog to collect but the journey will be what it will be. Just as lying in a tent wishing the rain would stop doesn't bring about cloud cessation, so worrying about traffic is also fruitless.
One of the phrases from the weekend was 'if you want to travel fast, travel alone. But if you want to travel far, travel together.' today I want to travel both fast and far. I guess I'll drive alone but bring you all along in my heart B-)
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I'd forgotten that places imbued with memories can make travelling hard. Progress good so far and have had David lamotte with me.
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Finally, 11 hours after I set off, I'm home (I did stop for a wedding choir rehearsal en route). I'm ludicrously tired and fed up of driving having driven 21 hours over 3 days of my 6 day holiday. And tomorrow I'm designated driver for a family wedding.
I have lots of damp tents and sleeping bags and so am not exactly delighted to discover the airing cupboard is sodden again. Time for a plumber? But first some sleep as I want to enjoy tomorrow :D

I'm in heaven

Is there anything more wonderful than being in a place where you are wanted and get to hang out with loved ones, catching up and having fun? With homemade food. We played board games last night and had such a lovely time. One game was unlike anything I'd played before. Beautiful painted pictures used to inspire a sentence that others have to find a card from their hand that might also fit. maybe we'll get it for Christmas and I'll invite you all round and we can keep creating heaven wherever we are B-)

blessed by dragonflies

My lovely friend has just come over with his WiFi password. They are the sort of friends everyone should have. We turned up much later than anticipated so lunch was 3.30, we brought in a whole field worth of dead grass and copious amounts of washing. They are still very pleased to see us.
Greenbelt was very very wonderful. The new site is awesome, tons of space for kids to play, quiet spots to reflect and brilliant venues to house the fabulous people who make up the festival. I didn't get to talks, or hear much music, but I had an amazing time and loved hanging out with all those I met, the old friends I see but once a year, the friends from home whose hospitality makes all the difference, and the strangers encountered in the loo queue. I got to sing more than once alongside a dear friend I kept bumping into.
And not once but twice a dragonfly landed on my top and stared up at me fluttering before heading off. I don't know if it was the same one twice, and I'm still working out what it was trying to communicate. But I felt very blessed.

travelling light

The theme of this year's greenbelt is travelling light. I must try and look up the cowboy junkies* song as I only have a snippet of the song I can recall. As you can see from the pile of stuff waiting to go into the car we still have much to learn. I will share insights when I can.  *It's a tindersticks song. I sometimes muddle the tindersticks and cowboy junkies as a friend from Uni liked them both.

Very limited iinternet access. Very long journey - I forget about bank holiday traffic. Very lovely site and people! 

toasty toes

Reports coming in from volunteers already on site is that it's chilly at night. So I'm squeezing extra blankets in. Unfortunately this is the first year the kids want us all to sleep as far apart as possible, my boy even in his own tent. This will make snuggling up impossible!
I often wear my socks to bed as I don't like having cold feet, but then a point is reached when they get too warm which I don't like either and I have to pull off the socks. I suspect at the end of the festival I'll have to tip a pile of dirty socks from the bottom of my sleeping bag :-)
Last morning of work, then more packing - I've heard foil underneath an airbed helps keep in heat so might go buy a roll of that. Little things add up in more ways than one. Travelling light is challenging me still. But I remain a believer in the importance of the little things making a difference. Hope you enjoy all your little things today too :-) lots of love B-)

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it feel like I've been packing all week and we're still not there!!! I know that for me a lot of the enjoyment of the holiday is in the anticipation. Hope it all fits in the car tomorrow...

one spare teabag allowed

As we're borrowing a tent we've not put up before, we did a dry run last night, so that when it comes to the actual event, it hopefully won't matter if it's throwing it down as predicted. I've also gone through our usual camping gear and whittled it down to the bare essentials. No set of saucepans for us now I've worked out a menu of one pot meals. Out with the superfluous fork and excess kitchen roll!
I've weighed out just the right amount of pasta, and worked out the likely number of needed teabags. And because it's important to retain my generosity in the face of the travelling light, I've popped in an extra teabag just in case I want to offer someone a brew ;)

The internet coverage is apparently very limited so I'll have to see what i can manage in terms of blogging. I find it frustrating on my phone at the best of times so we'll see - hopefully I'll be able to at least check in :)

I will hopefully meet Pip Wilson again - he's ace. His blog today brought tears to my eyes:
http://www.pipwilson.com/2014/08/greenbelt-my-poem-to-tune-us-in-to-all.html

42.or was it 46?

Having to discuss whether I want to have critical illness cover and life insurance is not the sort of conversation that I enjoy really. It's all very grown up and far too upsetting a set of what ifs.
Fortunately when I'm at work there's rarely a moment to think about anything other than the mums I'm supporting. So two more days of work then maybe when I'm at greenbelt I can reflect on life, death and the universe.

being ourselves is what we're meant to be

Yesterday's wedding was lovely and love filled. The minister was of the humorous relaxed variety - chatting to someone later they said their daughter had proclaimed him the sort of vicar she'd start going to church for. I was delighted by the introduction given to me by the bride to someone she wanted me to meet. "This is Kristie, she has a beautiful ministry of being her wonderful self and doing good by being wherever she is". I think it's a lovely summary, and very affirming that someone else thinks that what my ministry is :D

A quote that is inspiring me at the moment is by Howard Thurman (I don't know who he is)
"don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you become alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have become alive."

So for me it's all about connection and feeling and spreading the love. What is it for you? Go!!

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I'm just back from the dentist. As you may recall, I really really dislike going to the dentist. However, I don't want for that vibe to rub off on the lovely people who are kind enough to do a professional job of caring for my teeth. So I thanked the wonderful woman today and assured her I was very grateful for all she was doing, even though it wasn't my favourite thing. She said it wasn't anyone's favourite thing, so I informed her that for my best friend, going to the dentist IS one of their favourite things. I try not to miss any opportunity to let people know how much they are liked really :D

Now if I can get access to the computer for long enough this afternoon, I hope to enlarge yesterday's very short blog, with my reflections on love and marriage. First tho to encourage the kids to get dressed...

dearly beloved, we are gathered...

This year I've already had the privilege of being at two civil ceremonies and two weddings. Today's wedding is the first in a long long time that my children will be with me for. I'm looking forward to getting chance to dance with them later :) I'm hoping the weather picks up as there are plans for a group photo on the seafront to be photoshopped later which sounds fun.

Well, the wind picked up!!

So, I've been thinking about love and marriage (funnily enough). The quote that stuck with me throughout the day, that I read before I went to the wedding, was this:

Being loved deeply gives us strength, loving someone deeply gives us courage.

I think that love changes us. It changes us when we commit to loving someone well, and it changes us when we know we are deeply loved. I'm very lucky to both love and be loved by many people, and in several cases that loves runs really deep and is committed. I'm not married to those people (obviously) but at some level we've made a commitment to hang in with each other and love as best as we can. This has been public in the case of the naming ceremonies for each of my children, where I made vows to raise them as best I can. And then I have some friends with whom I've made some kind of unacknowledged decision to love well even when it gets hard. Some of these friends I don't see so often anymore, and some I could do a better job of loving well. But in each there's a sense of no matter what they do or where they go, I'm there for them.
Marriage I guess is the epitomy of that. A very public commitment to love no matter what. My thoughts on marriage are still clouded by my feelings of hurt, but I still hold on to the importance of making a declaration of intent to love for always, supported by many around who want to help make it work. We are imperfect human beings, who despite the best of intentions, don't always manage to achieve what we set out to. But how brilliant that our desire is there, to love forever.

cards

I was sad to learn this week about the death of one of the lovely women in my community. She often gave sweets to the kids when they were little, and was always keen to stop for a chat. I wasn't able to go to her funeral but I did write a card to her family. I never used to be a card person, I get a bit grumpy about the huge profit card industry (and had an ace conversation with someone this week about how skewed it is, no appropriate valentine cards for her in a gay relationship). Anyway, I have started sending more cards as a means of showing love. I managed to make one for my neighbours who moved out this week, and have left one for our new neighbours, welcoming them to the street and hoping they create many happy memories, that we have found it a great place to live and will bring cake round soon. Still no sign of them appearing tho, maybe today will be the day.
I've been feeling a bit unsettled of late, highly aware that we don't know what's going to happen. I don't know why I worry about the what ifs, of course none of us know what is going to happen, and it's so silly to be anxious about it rather than live with the what is now. I guess I have several unresolved things floating round still - no divorce papers or mortgage sorted yet, changes at work and along the street, various health concerns amongst loved ones, and one of my best friends emigrating next week. Instead of berating myself for my worries, I today will try to go gently on my fearful self and remind myself that despite all the changes that are always happening, in 5 years time there will still be love love love. Meanwhile so many people are facing so much more uncertainty. Time to get round to donating.
Today's my last day for a fortnight without the kids so I'll make the most of it with getting on with household chores and some volunteering. And perhaps some loud singing - might as well do lots of what I like :D

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Actually i've stayed in my pjs, to the extent that I even just pulled on coats n wellies over the top to take the dog for his walk - my favourite, past 3 farms. I've also hung out with online friends, and posted something in a group that i realise has nearly 4000 members. Suddenly gone a bit shy to realise I've written something that may be seen by so many people!!

green mile

Very moved by the film we watched last night, the Green Mile. Horrific and powerful, I'm still rightly disturbed by it. With everything I watch, each story I read, every person I get closer to, I try and let the change of that impact be positive. I'm not yet sure how I want to live differently having seen last night's thought provoking film, it might take a while to work out the response my living will take.
Today I'm off to pick up my kids after work but don't get to hang out with them much before taking them to their dad's, thankfully just for a night. And it gives me an extra day to unearth their beds from under the mountain of washing. I'm so grateful we're no longer in the times of dolly tubs and mangles.

frack off

I've been peeping my horn and waving encouragingly each time I've passed the protest camp not all that far from where I live. Our first drive past was on my son's birthday and with his mates in the car, I told them in advance what I'd be doing and said it was up to them if they wanted to join me in encouraging the protestors. We all blossom with encouragement and the small crowd outside the gate of the fracking site looked mightily pleased to have a car full of thumbs up and a peeping horn.
It's a shame life has been so full on that I've only whizzed by instead of actively participating. Having worked so hard this week I'm now going to take the rest of the afternoon and evening off - hurrah! I am leaving tons of wet washing strewn over every available chair back and radiator and wishing I had a tumble dryer!!

where the heart is

I don't have the dog with me this week, which means I don't HAVE to return home all the time in between everything. However, dealing the the fallout of the leak means I am still frequently returning, to put one load of washing out and another in. Also, it feels right somehow, to keep returning home. I mainly like to get back to my computer so I can stay in touch - I know I can partly do this on my phone now which is awesome, but I can't facebook message, for example, so it's good to touch base and re-connect.
My undergraduate dissertation research was ace, chatting with homeless people about how they felt about local spaces such as the park. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like not to have a home, a base, a point to return to, let alone the physical impact.
Right now I'm on hold to the mortgage folk so that I can keep my home, means I'll be a tad late for work but will be good to get it sorted!!!

Don't panic!

The news both last night on my drive back, and this morning, has left me so sad. In addition to the seemingly endless wars and killing, a nuclear reactor near to me has shut down as a precautionary measure following a leak in a boiler, an actor who brought much laughter has died following a suspected suicide due to his depression, and finally there was a report that one in 10 of us have no close friends and one in 5 of us haven't felt loved in the last fortnight.
I am lucky to have both many close friends and a sense of being well loved. But I feel overwhelmed in wondering how I can show love to all those people who don't feel it. Having heard the news item I had an urge to shout out of the car window to the stranger on the corner that he was loved. I didn't, and I don't think that's going to do it, is it. But today in my longer than usual day at work, I'm going to try even harder to show love to everyone I encounter.
Tho in more mundane news, I came home this morning to find the water tank has overflowed again, meaning everything in my airing cupboard is saturated. I'm going to be washing non stop for weeks...

solid as a rock

A recurring image at the moment is connected to solidity, partly as this last week I've heard two different songs about Jesus as a rock and partly as I've been reflecting on what is solid in my life and what isn't. My parents live in a cottage built about 1800 and the outer walls are incredibly thick, maybe 60 cm. This isn't helpful in terms of getting a mobile signal, but it does feel solid!
I've been coming here since my first birthday, and recently my parents have been discussing how they ideally like us to keep the building on as a holiday cottage when they no longer need it. So this could be the most constant long lasting thing in my life.
Today it a great shelter from the autumnal weather, tho I can't not walk the dog in such an amazing place so will venture out again later now my only set of clothes have dried out from yesterday's expedition. Hope you too are enjoying the elements but have shelter when you need it.

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Won't let me upload now so when I get back tonight I'll share pics from my walk during the sunny interlude. My phone bongled lots tho as it was the first chance today for my texts to come in. Then a lovely sit in the garden replying to emails surrounded by a colourful blaze of flowers and butterflies. Now it's chucking it down again i had a doze snuggled up to the dog on the sofa so I'm rested for the damp journey back.

party leftovers

I'd forgotten that I quite like the day after a party. Lots of leftover crisps and fizzy pop and cake to graze on. About 3pm my son asked if we'd had lunch and I had to reply no, we'd just been snacking. We did have a proper tea :) Now the go kart is built and played with, and after the fun I managed to have at the waterpark (and the whiplash I thought I'd got on one of the rides seems to have turned out to be nothing), I've deicded the birthday was alright for me after all. We were all very tired yesterday tho. I actually did some proper relaxing, and read tons of my dragon book.
Today we're off to one of my favourite places. I'm only there just over a day, to drop off the kids for nearly a week of grandparent attention and roaming.

somebody to lean on

My next door neighbour is moving and I went round with a card and to return her housekey that I'd got in case of emergency. I asked for mine back and she said she didn't have it anymore, she thought she'd pushed it through some time back. Thankfully we've had no emergencies where we've needed it, but it has always been my back up plan, if I or the kids couldn't get in, we'd just nip next door for the spare key.
I'm looking forward to meeting our new neighbours and hopefully we 'll also get on and I'll get a new key cut and leave it with them. I like having a safety blanket.
In church, we're often encouraged to trust in God alone. As someone who likes to trust people, and then sometimes finds myself disappointed, I'm still working on what trust means. As imperfect humans, we're bound to mess up from time to time and let others down. Without actual pockets to hold keys, God can't look after my keys directly and my interpretation of trust in God is that somehow I'll always get through situation even if my safety blankets aren't what I've anticipated.
I do think we all need somebody to lean on. My experiences lead me to believe tho that we live in communities and so need to lean on a range of people - we can't rely on just a single somebody cos no-one can be everything to us. The somebody we lean on today might be different to the somebody we lean on next week. I'm grateful to all those I lean on, as well as who lean on me. Today I hope to be mainly leaning on my bed or settee after a full on week. Tho we do have a go kart to construct!!

I've just received an unexpected parcel :) A year ago I contributed to something some lovely people were hoping to make happen and needed some backers to trust it would. A bit like crowd funding only less official. I wasn't expecting anything in return, tho was looking forward to being able to buy the item once it was finished. Today I've received a bigger version, free of charge, worth way more than my donation. See, trust is amazing!!

single parent birthdays

My kids' birthdays as a single parent have been particularly difficult -
emotionally and practically. There's the sense each time of this not being how I had expected it to be when we brought them into the world. And I find it hard, being solely responsible for other people's children during the celebrations. Today we're off to Sandcastle for the day and hopefully all will go well - My plan, instead of being a base with a book, is for total immersion, even getting the extra zone band, as otherwise my girly will be on her own whilst the boys play. Hopefully I will have fun too B-) The party tea afterwards has had much sweat and toil put into its planning (tho not hopefully the actual food). And today the silver lining is we've arranged for the sleepover element to be at their Dads. Meaning not only do I go to choir despite it being a birthday, but I miss out on the sugar high of exuberant kids that results in a sleep -free night.

Having felt so down and lonely yesterday afternoon and night, I realise I've been focussing on where I've not being getting the support I wanted. In reality, my girly stayed up half the night to prepare fun stuff; a neighbour half way down the road has agreed to sign for the go kart, and a friend texted me to ask what my song for today will be. So far it seems to be the proclaimers!!

my love is your love

I felt a bit like superwoman yesterday the amount I fitted in. I'm hoping to get a bit of catch up time at my computer this afternoon (it's saying I have 92 unread messages, I need to get that down a bit don't I?)

Yesterday's lovely fb reminder is attributed to Mother Teresa and goes "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each another." When we get separated off from one another, that's for me when the struggles get set in. I feel more connected today so that's good.

Choir was uplifting last night and we learned the song "my love is your love" ready for a wedding tomorrow that I won't be able to go to as I'll be celebrating a decade of my boy's existence. But it was good to be reminded of a song I'd completely forgotten about, and to hold onto the thought that we don't have to get divided one from another :)

abundant cake

It's my son's tenth birthday on Friday. My daughter started making his cake last night using a recipe for 24 people. He's only invited 2 of his friends so there might be quite a lot leftover.
Today is just a brief spell for me at holiday club then onto work for a long day as its the only one I'm in for this week (of my main job). After registering children I'll hopefully be able to stay long enough to jig around - that's the bit of holiday club I like best, bopping with both kids and adults alike. I'm hoping we dance to walk like am Egyptian again as I so enjoyed that yesterday and my spirits need a boost today.

Blimey that was a full on day (again!) but a friend made me laugh with a silly address so I'm still smiling and about to go singing :D

greatness

My latest fb share is a fab image with the words
"if you want to achieve greatness, stop asking for permission"

I like this because I do think it is often our doubts that hold us back. I'm not suggesting we all go around doing what the hell we like, regardless of how others might be affected (obviously). So it makes sense to ask others how they feel about stuff, or questions like "what could I do that might help?". But I think all too often we wait for permission - we either wait to get asked or we might ask is it OK if I do this. We struggle to trust our brilliance, our thinking, our intuitive compassion. Ultimately I feel for lots of us we're stuck in our wondering "am I OK?" "Is it alright that I exist, that I occupy this space, that I share some of who I am?"

YES, YES IT IS!

You don't need to ask to belong, to participate. You do, you can, no permission needed.

A friend once said it's easier to ask forgiveness after than permission before, and I like that philosophy although it's a challenge as that's not how I usually operate. We may not always get it right so might need to do some cleaning up after any mistakes, but the world is diminished if we act small instead of step up to our rightful place. Go for it!

cannot put it out

We lit a candle last night and extinguished our electrical lights, like many others also wanting to reflect on the centenary of the start of WW1. I was pleased that in asking my girly, the reason she knew we were doing this was connected to the concept that no amount of darkness can put out the light totally. I also added that lights were put out each time a life was lost, the light of their life was then gone.
I need to not push myself today, having felt really ill last night. I suspect it was lying in the sun reading my book whilst the kids played in the park for an hour that did it. Such as shame as it was a lovely hour and yet I paid for it with a whole  evening. No-one is up yet and we have to get to holiday club where two of the three of us are helping out. I forecast a very gentle afternoon for us all.

I forget how much i love holiday club :-) and now a silly film with my girly, from the comfort of a duvet B-)

all are equal - children, women, men

Today it seems I've read the phrase one too many times about the killing of women and children. This saddens me on so many levels but right now also leaves me cross, for perhaps a surprising reason.
What is it about the death of women and children that upsets us more than the death of a man? Why do we feel that men are more expendable, their deaths more legitimate and justifiable?
Conversely what are we saying by being shocked only by the death of certain parts of our population? We attribute "innocence" to women, as though they must always take the role of victims and couldn't be activists or protagonists. There's an assumption that some people maybe have brought it on themselves, and others didn't deserve to die.

I don't think ANY death is deserved, whether someone is actively involved in fighting, or a passerby. As a pacifist, I am horrified by all the current warfare, and feel a massive amount of sadness as we commemorate 100 years since the start of WW1. I am outraged at the loss of any life and think we get into dangerous waters if we start deciding that some deaths are more noteworthy than others, if we get upset by the death of some because of their gender, and are hardened to the deaths of others as if they are less significant cos they happened to have descended testicles.

And what if we stopped counting the war dead on each "side", and mourned every single loss of life as one too many?

love you! miss you! love you! miss you!

My kids are coming back today and yesterday, once they reached English waters, I started texts that told them I loved them and had missed them :) it's been odd not having been in communication with them for a whole week, and I felt I needed a balance of wanting to let them know I love them and have missed them, but yet noticing feeling a need for restraint from how I'd really like to bombard them. How very sad. When they were new I did wonder if it was possible to kiss a baby too much. I concluded it wasn't. More than pretty much anything else, I wanted my children to know that I loved them totally and was completely delighted by them. I still want that now. So what's changed?

I've learned that parental affection can be embarrasing. I don't know if babies feel embarrasment and just can't tell us. Or if they don't care what others think.

I'm not immune, I know I sometimes struggle when lavished with affection - we can squirm from the attention  and worry about how others will feel about it instead of basking in just how great it is to be loved and missed. I might want to live in a world where everyone hugs and holds hands 24/7 and shows complete delight and never misses an opportunity to say I love you. Only sometimes that's just awkward.

I checked in with someone the other day that I'd not been too zealous in my loving, that he wasn't intimidated by my public declaration of love for him as my friend. He beautifully came back with "- let me think, too much love, erm, nope, that's not possible." I'm glad to have friends who love me so well and are happy to be loved by me. I'm also glad to have those friends who have hang ups about that kind of thing - cos that's how we are, all different, all with our different foibles, and that includes me.

But today is a day of reunion and I'm hoping I can have my heart on my sleeve and a grin on my face as I welcome back into my arms two of my dearest loves. Hope you also get to shower your loved ones with affection <3

anything could happen

It was a long and exhausting day of work yesterday but thankfully I love my job! The main decision of the morning is which train to Manchester I should get - do I rush for an earlier one or walk the dog first?
I'm going for an event organised by my friend and want to support her. I'll get to read on the journeys, my girly asked me to read a novel about a dog meaning I have 3 stories on the go, maybe I can finish that today?
I could do anything in Manchester, tho I will actually go to the festival as that's why I'm going, but just the thought that I could in effect do anything is an odd one. Everyday I could do anything I want but I pretty much don't!
Just remembered I like to take extra snacks for homeless folk, there are more visibly present in Manchester. Had better get going or else I won't manage any train!!
Hope your day is full of exciting possibilities too B-)

unknown

Of course we never know what a day will hold. But I'm particularly unsure as to what today will be like. There's usually three of us in on a friday and I just work a half day. But today it's just me so I could be there some time. The plan is if I get in early I'll hopefully not be there too late.
No singing tonight and after an unexpected night-in last night, that meant I had plenty of reading time and who knows what I'll do tonight. I've saved the washing up so I have something to do ;) Not long now til the kids are back - hurrah! I've been amazed by how much extra time I seem to have had each day, but of course I'd much rather have the feeling of less time and be with them :D

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Blimey, worked nearly double my hours and still need to do more tonight. Hope I can still find time for the washing up ;)