sugar

Can't smell a thing today. I usually have a keen sense of smell. I'm guessing it will also mean I can't taste much - will be interesting to see if that means I'm not so bothered about sugar. I have a sugar addiction, and last night was feeling miserable and ate a whole heap of unhealthy stuff. If I can't taste much today I'll try and eat differently, and look for the comfort elsewhere - maybe a softer scarf instead of my usual work one?
Might also mean my singing is a bit out of tune tonight, esp after a busy day at work including a workshop in which despite my facilitative style, there is a lot of info to impart so a lot of talking! Last week at choir we were missing men and a new bloke came along so I sang beside him so he could follow someone. Will be good to get back to my more familiar notes tonight.

creativity

It won't surprise you to read that the fashion industry annoys me for reasons I'm sure I don't need to explain. So it may surprise you that I loved reading this blog:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/26/4-year-old-paper-dresses-fashion-by-mayhem_n_4855545.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

Except it's a celebration of a mother (who also isn't into fashion) encouraging her daughter to do what she wants, joining her in a daily activity, and encouraging expression and creativity. Almost has me wishing I could turn back time so we could have some similar fun with my offspring, only I would have found it too hard to be so "wasteful" of all the paper on a temporary activity.

It's unusual to hear of three separate deaths in the one evening and whilst I didn't know well any of those who died, it is a bitter blow for my friends who are affected. It's had me realise that my home life is not set up in a way that would enable me to deal with grief on a daily basis, so I'm ruling out my funeral directing aspirations for now. I have an immense and brilliant support network, but it's not always tangible in terms of hugs/presence. If I was managing grief in my daily work I think I would need a different evening space than I currently have. At the moment it fluctuates between the challenges of parenting on my own, or nights alone. I'm v aware of the way I idealise married life, and whilst I do know in homes up and down the country there are not couples asking and listening well to "how was your day dear", if I was doing a job even more emotional than my current ones, I know I'd need debriefing and hugs a plenty in an evening!

Full of a cold today, so a slow start, and probably lots and lots of brews - I had four yesterday which is most unusual, it would have been more but I didn't get to have my first til I got in from work! Going to get the kettle on now...

sexism and respect

Note to male readers: I don't know of everyone who reads this blog, but the men I do know who read this I have found to be lovely and respectful - this blog is about sexism and is NOT a personal comment on you, OK?

Last week I was reading about some research that looked into when a man would stop pestering a woman who didn't want them to be pestering her. It showed that men were more likely to stop the pestering if she said she already had a boyfriend/husband, than if she said she wasn't interested in them. The study concluded that these men were more afraid/respectful of the male partner than of what the woman herself actually wanted. Shocking.

I've been thinking about this, but being me, I've not just considered the sexism within this, but also wondered what I could change about my own behaviour. If I'm honest, I'm aware that my interest in people can vary - if they reveal something about themselves that I can relate to, or I want to know more about, I can find I'm suddenly more interested in them that I was before. I suspect this is true for most of us, tho the interest will differ. Some people may find themselves more interested if they discovered the person they were talking to had royal blood, I know my ears pick up when people share of themselves something that has shaped them into who they are today.

Human as I am, I think it's probably normal not to be uniformly interested in every single person all the time. I like that even when people annoy me, I am the sort of person who looks for the good, looks for commonground, searches out the connection. And I would hope that my respect for the other person doesn't vary, and certainly isn't dependent on who they are, if they are in a relationship etc.

I need to get to work before my phone runs out of charge, but I shall be checking with myself today as to where my interest in others varies, and if it impacts upon my respect.
xx

flexible

An advantage and simultaneous disadvantage of working part time is if I take a day off from one of my jobs it can then be a while til I'm back in. Lots to pack into today having not been in since weds, so an early start but then maybe a shorter day tomorrow to compensate. I'm lucky to have flexibility.
Not the best of starts today. Will keep looking for all the joy - hope you see lots too.

the day got better when the lovely chef at the children centre I visit each tuesday had specially made for me choc pudding with chocolate custard as I'd commented that I would really like it and she remembered and made it for me :) I take butties each day but occasionally like to support the cafe and was so chuffed that she had done this for me :D hope you spotted some joy too...

love balance

Today is an unusual Monday in that one child has returned to school and the other isn't due in til tomorrow. I have a long list of stuff to do and yet it will be good to see if hanging out with said child can feature heavily - that will depend on how much he's willing to assist me with "boring" tasks like food shopping and dog walking, and also how willing I am to watch Lego Atlantis. I wonder if we can return the painted room to a habitable condition. I can celebrate that I finished the painting, even if I did manage to depilate the pad somehow onto the wall so by the time I'd finished, the wall was coated with bristles and the pad had none left - good job I'm not a perfectionist! However, it will take some time to return the room to a state in which sleeping can occur.
Church yesterday was great for getting me out of my own concerns and thinking about others, with a sermon on welfare reform. Today has begun with a nudge from a friend to contact someone I'd hitherto not heard about. http://freetalha.org/about/ I do like it when I get a good balance of caring for myself, caring for those I already love, and caring for strangers. Good luck with all you are balancing today.

It's been a gorgeous morning but I'm STILL trying to persuade my boy out into the fresh air. We're hopefully off now to buy the ingredients to make cupcakes for his siter. I'm not sure if the intention, or how it will be received, is to show affection, or to gloat at look what I was able to do today whilst you were at school...

I was a little anxious part way through. I'd been given the interesting concept last week that cooking is an art but baking a science, so whereas creativity reigns with a recipe most of the time, if it's a baking recipe, the relationships between amounts of ingredients is crucial. So when we reached the part in the recipe that went "add the eggs one at a time" and no eggs were listed in the ingredient list, we had to guess how many eggs we thought they meant. They taste lovely warm - a meal in themselves to be honest, as they contain an entire bag of coconut. I've enjoyed hanging out with my boy today :)

lovely people

I keep encountering lovely people. The vet yesterday was so kind and empathic. Today one of my blog readers offered to come and help get the painting finished. I feel very lucky. But as I declined the offer, I need to get off t'interweb and get the job done (sans roller as it broke last night, so it's the pad being held by my bare fingers, which I think works remarkably well). I don't think i need to put a third coat on the wall the kids started. Turns out (again) that being generous pays off. Their liberality with the paint means only two coats have sufficed compared to the patchy end result of my scrape-it-as-far-as-it-will-possibly-go mentality. There's a lesson there!!!!

finality

Party last night was fab - so pleased I stepped through that fear of entering on my own - it was of course fine, some lovely people were there and I got to dance lots.
I'll spare you the details of the mess I returned home to - mainly the dog - but it is the cat I've booked into the vet this morning. Maybe it will be simple but I'm anticipating a difficult decision as to what the best thing to do might be. Ethically I can't justify spending endless money keeping an old pet alive. And yet how harsh does that sound? And of course, she's not just an old pet, she is a much loved part of the family. Sometimes I hate being a grown up.

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It wasn't massively difficult in terms of making the decision. She was 17 (that's about 119 is cat years). The vet was lovely and gently spelled out options but taking her into animal hospital to give her fluids intraveneously and do tests "if you aren't ready to say goodbye yet" didn't seem the most appropriate. And yet it is also up there (down there?) on the list of hard things to have to do. I was surprised that I couldn't tell the moment that she actually died, there wasn't so much difference between that moment of her still being alive and then the moment when she wasn't - and yet there can't be a bigger difference surely?

I'm v v grateful I didn't have to take her/come back without her on my own. Unfortunate that I now have a length of time by myself but I shall perhaps make good use of my weekend free calls. The final coat of paint has turned out to not be so final after all - but will have to leave that til after church tomorrow to finish.

little doubts

I know I've blogged lots on this but I keep needing to work away at it.
I suspect many of us share similar struggles with self doubt. In a society of relationship breakdown (and I don't just mean marriage, but also friends falling out or moving away) and job insecurity, and just being part of a human race where we have hurts and people we love die, I think lots of us feel loss and wonder if it's our fault somehow. I think many of us are struggling to believe and fully know just how much we matter. There is a tendril of insecurity - are we actually easily replaceable?
We do a lot to try and prove the contrary to ourselves - I must matter because I earn this much, I matter and so I will buy this for myself as a treat, I matter because look how many people I have helped this week. This isn't to be judgemental - they are strategies that can keep us going. Tho I am keen to keep developing other strategies whereby I don't have to continually prove my worth.
My heart is much more open when I remember that lots of us are struggling with these kind of thoughts and so that's why people sometimes act like they do. Instead of  these doubts pitting us against each other in competition to prove our value, knowing that we are both fighting similar concerns can be liberating. And that maybe all I need to do is go around showing myself - and every other person that I meet - that we matter. That we are unique. That I know how debilitating the doubts can be and so show kindness to others as well as myself.
So I feel in a much better place now having reminding myself of that. Got to go buy a birthday present now tho for tonight's party - will be on the lookout for opportunities to blow away all those unnecessary doubts. Grateful for all those lovelies who help bring mine back down to size too :)

physical bond

I'm going to a party tomorrow night. I'm looking forwards to it, tho hate going to things on my own so will see how that goes. I really didn't want to miss choir tho having not sung with either choir for over 2 weeks, so am going there first. Need the hugs as well as the singing. A bad week to miss out on singing - I've found it hard but the end is nearly in sight. And it has been lovely to have far more time than usual in my boyfriend's company.
Being apart from the children is an actual physical loss as I'm such a touchy feely kind of person. Speaking on the phone is in no way the same. I wonder if this is a mother thing. In my line of work we talk of the breastfeeding unit as a dyad - neither mum nor babe can be seen in isolation as it's the combination of them together in which feeding happens. Throughout pregnancy, mum and baby have been physically connected and when the umbillical cord is cut that connection is severed, but I would suggest that the joining is imprinted on both mother and child for some time. Babies are fully dependant on adults for a good while, and the growing independence, whilst joyful and necessary, is still also a loss on both parts, the constant holding and showering kisses on their heads giving way to ever widening exploration. I can't begin to imagine what it's like to lose a child through death, or adoption, or separation, and no longer have any contact.
Of course, their going away also triggers lots of unresolved stuff for me on loss generally - I miss friends who have moved away and have moments of finding it so difficult to celebrate that what is (roasted cauliflower soup with parsnip and rosemary bread, yum!) as I get stuck in the what-is-no-more.
Having a "project" has helped (tho note to self, I don't like using a roller to paint. I couldn't find the handle to the paint pad but next time must buy one cos it's infinitely more even) and better still was taking flowers to people.And being in the midst of a great book is essential :D
Best get back to the lilac walls, I only popped down for a different CD...

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I didn't finish using up the paint in the tray (my signal to stop) til 1am. My dreams - til the dog woke me two hours later - were of yet more painting... Good job tonight there will be partying - hopefully my dream will then be a whole lot more fun!!

it's not about replying

Today's favourite quote:

"The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand
we listen to reply"

I have caught myself before now, thinking about what it is I'm going to say next, instead of really staying focussed on what the other person is saying. We are all so desperate to be heard and understood ourselves it can feel impossible sometimes to keep listening to the other person.

I'm a bit lacking in get up and go this morning. Foolishly, a quick work email sent just before bed meant an entire night of dreaming about the situation.

I put on my painting gear after work yesterday but never got round to any. I've got up and dressed in it again today, so we'll see what happens...

magnifying strengths

"Compliment people. Magnify their strengths not their weaknesses"

This is the quote I've seen on facebook this morning that is my mantra for today. I think we're so quick to judge others, to spot where we think they could be doing better - we have a lifetime of practice, it can be very hard to turn it around. We may notice that - shock horror - other people are not perfect. Chances are they already know this for themselves and even if they don't it's not much use us pointing it out, we all have to want to change our own imperfections. If someone else wants us to work on them, are we then doing it for them or for ourselves?

My boyfriend is now going to be stopping every night bar the last one this week whilst the children are away. I know this is both a joy and a difficulty for him - working nights means sleeping during the day is tricky at the best of times, let alone in a different household where there is a dog who barks at every passing hedgehog and phones and doorbells and other activity. Knowing that I won't be on my own for such long stretches is great for me and I am grateful. Gratitude is such a key attitude in cultivating happiness - I shall practice more of that today :D

oh so quiet

Despite still having the two pets here, it feels incredibly quiet without the children. The CD player has been moved up to the room where the decorating is happening so that's thrown me a bit - I really ought to pop a CD into the computer instead. I am enjoying the quiet to a certain extent tho - did lots of extra work today so it's good to have a bit of peace before I have a work conference call tonight.
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This morning I received the letter advising me of the court date for the reading of the decree nisi - there's still another stage to come but I was still upset by it, as I have been by every solicitor letter, and as someone else who has been through the process said I might - the feeling of having failed, the officialness of the letters. I'm not expected to attend but it will still be hard knowing it is happening, part of me wonders if I should go, to show that I care about it. I don't like the thought of people sat in a court reading out my name and thinking that it wasn't important enough for me to bother about it. Except it's in Wigan and seems foolish to miss paid work just to make a point to a judge that I cared enough to turn up to hear my name being read. I guess it's the polar opposite to hearing your banns read. Ho hum.

I'm going to go and put my new tele on (it's not a new tele but it is a new service. Apparently I can pause it but I've not seen how to do that yet. I shall go and investigate.)

filling the space

No rushing back for school pick up today so will be working a bit later. My diary has enough in for the start of the week but I'm a little worried about the emptier spaces towards the end. I'm already half way through the painting but maybe I'll hang fire with that now til later in the week. Although I don't want to then have to turn down opportunities that come up/I get around to creating. I shall just pace myself maybe. And write a list of things to do so the time looks less empty.
I could of course relax too. We watched 2 films on the new netflix last night, tho perhaps should have not picked both to have heavier topics - O Brother Where Art Tho and then The Boy in the Striped Pajamas - I think I preferred the book. I'm not in an inspirational mood yet, sorry. Maybe will be after work... (and interesting to note that that is how I like to come across in these blogs).

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Ten to five and kettle is on for first brew of the day :s
Day has got better after its dodgy start. Phew.

end of the world as we know it

I'm back :D
Really ought to spend the whole of today letting everyone know my new number but I'm not sure I can be bothered cos it would make sense to be systematic about it and I'm not in that kind of mood.
Sad about the kids going shortly. Sad about the cat being on her last legs it would seem. Sad that my teeth hurt when I eat or drink cos that probably means I need to do something about that.
But grateful that the connection seems to have gone smoothly, just need to ring them again now to sort the contract and netflix. We watched a scary geographical programme (chosen by my girly) last night about the impact of a supervolcano and it again had me realise just how much we take for granted - clean drinking water, computer access, air to breathe, crops that grow - all of which could change in an instant. Thinking about those kind of things can grind me to a halt if I'm not careful.
No communal singing til Friday this week. Unless of course I go and randomly start something outside morrisons... ;)

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Someone asked yesterday how to cope when not with the ones you love. I said when I feel lonely I reach out to others who might be feeling lonely. I'm just back from a doctor check in and I'm only just still in the healthy weight zone. I blame my boyfriend's influence as I now consume way more butter, cheese and alcohol since before meeting him. Tho I've not seen him for a week, so maybe it's actually all the chocolate and cake I eat? (whistles innocently). So rather than sit here scoffing feeling sorry for myself, I'm going to take these flowers to a neighbour or else I'm just going to have to keep them myself they've sat there so long.

and in all manner of all things all shall be well

This eve, I've been asked to lead an Ebba's compline as the culmination to an alternative worship session in a celtic style. It's great to lead something written by a woman so long ago, and I'm looking forward to it, tho I also feel a little apprehensive as the worship is billed as "quiet and reflective" which are not words I'd usually ascribe to my son. However, I will keep an open mind - when I said we needed to go, I was impressed that the kids then told me that the Celts worshipped several gods. It's only an hour, hopefully we can all get something out of it.
It's also got me thinking about the presence of children - I've been invited to a couple of weddings this year and the children have not. The first specifically requests that the attire is stylish and debonaire, and I can see how the presence of children might impact on creating that kind of atmosphere. It's not my usual environment so I will be out of my comfort zone (tho I will not wear heels, I refuse to be that much out of my comfort zone) and will miss the things that children bring to a celebration - some of my favourite moments at weddings over the years has been watching mine and others interact - play with balloons, blow bubbles, or slide on their knees across the dance floor :D But I appreciate celebrations can be massively expensive, and for everyone to bring their kids is prohibitive. I actually found an upside to no longer being with my husband, as it means he can have them and I can still attend - if we were still together I'm not sure it would have been possible to go at all.

So, swings and roundabout again. And an advantage of worshipping this eve (and the kids were clear they didn't want to go to church twice today) is that there was no urgency to get up this morning. That's two mornings in a row we haven't set the alarm!

 I'm also a little anxious about losing my internet, TV and phone at midnight. I'm sure all will go smoothly and I will be re-connected at some point tomorrow. Hopefully without too big a gap from the children going (poor timing).

All shall be well.

childhood saturdays

Can't say I'm particularly looking forwards to today - there's already been a lot of grumpiness and it's still early. I guess everyone is tired - that always happens by the end of the half term - it's why there is a holiday and I will endeavour to remember that. They will be busy the rest of the week (they're going to the Harry Potter theme world. Good job it's not a competition or else I'd have already lost). So chilling this weekend might be just the ticket. The decorating doesn't have to continue til they've gone. What I really want to do right now is read my book in the bath - here's hoping there is harmony whilst I do so.
Saturdays are lonely days in terms of connecting with other adults, I find. I still have some flowers in my sink ready to give to someone - will see if I can briefly pop out to give them to a neighbour. Otherwise, I'll just try to enjoy a lot of kids TV (not as good as when I was little etc etc)...

rarely

Twice I uttered a phrase I rarely use, especially with regards to DIY:
"that went better than I thought!"

I really dislike all the boring prep work that comes with decorating, and hadn't anticipated I'd be removing a piece of wall furniture that had 12 screws (and consequently 12 rawlplugs protruding and needing dealing with. I discovered accidently, that it was much easier to fiddle then hammer them in rather than remove them entirely. Developing skills, that's what I'm doing!!

Problem is, just like when I start cleaning, it opens my eyes to just how badly everything else is in need of doing. I don't feel I want to change anything particularly, but it all needs freshening up. We'll see. I need to stay focussed on the many tasks I already have in hand without getting carried away/under by all else that needs doing...

love's music

No singing tonight, due to Valentine's day. This saddens me as there is a lot of love that happens in that choir - we build community well in a non cliquey way - each week there are different people, embraced just as much as the old timers. The people who run it deserve a night off tho so hopefully each individual will enjoy love in their own ways before we are back together again before long. As the weather wildens* once more, maybe people wouldn't have wanted to venture out in any case. I shall endeavour to keep spreading the love from the warmth of my own home (apart from the trip to purchase paint, where I will drive very carefully). So far I have given imaginary flowers, and done my usual love sharing with everyone on facebook. I cba to check but have no doubt I will have banged on the last few Valentine's Days about how whilst it's important to celebrate romantic love, there are many who find today difficult and so that's where I put my energies. I know that I don't see it as a day's mission in any case ;)
Hope you're having lots of fun spreading the love wherever you are :D

*I suspect I have made up this word. I'm sure you will follow what I'm trying to express.

The song i shared on facebook has ace lyrics, including:
All things being even,
here's what I believe in -
Nothing matters more than love.
Friendship and affection...
Real connection...
It's a gift from above.

Every song that we play -
Every prayer that we pray -
Makes a bond in a way that's profound.
We're just here to spread that love all around

...
Start a conversation,
throw a celebration,
let whatever's in you out!
Welcoming and sharing,
simply caring
that's what love is about.

Don't just sit on the side,
go along for the ride -
With your heart open wide as it goes!
Let love's music fill you down to your toes!

...

Everyone, join your hands together!
Everyone, find the common ground!
Everyone, sister and brother,
love one another,
spread it around!

purple paw prints

My hot valentine's date for tomorrow night is with my children, going to B and Q, to buy purple paint for my girly's bedroom wall and a deeper purple for her radiator (and to paint paw prints). I quite enjoy painting, and it will be a nice thing to do for her whilst she is away this half term holiday. I mainly only enjoy the first coat tho, it gets tedious after that. And before that I have lots of boring prep - the butterflies that were the previous decoration have torn off chunks of plaster so I'll need to fill all that first.
An early work start then hopefully home to work in the afternoon. I shall be on the lookout for opportunities to simply smile with people. Hope you get that too.

"The best portion of your life will be the small nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you"

being prepared

copyright unknown

I anticipated the power cut so had got a flask of hot water, checked the matches were in their proper location, and had charged batteries for the torches. In the event, I hadn't even finished lighting all the candles before it came back on again.
There have been all kinds of noises outside, so in the morning I shall assess the damage. I can see my neighbours have lost bits and pieces. Photos from nearby towns are scary. I'm glad I didn't go out tonight, and that my travel in the morning is just on foot.
I hope you weathered ok any storms you had.
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the rain that leaked in through the landing window was minimal so I won't stress about that. 2 more tiles off but not fallen so depending when the guys come they may sort those before they fall. I'll ring them again today and say it's been 6 weeks, are they going to come or shall I find someone else. Other than that, can't spot much untoward.

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And I'm sharing the image cos I really like it. Bloody hard not to feed them at times. And last night I have to say I was a bit scared - it was SO windy. And I was worried for my loved ones out in it. Sometimes being prepared helps stay more in control rather than at the mercy of our fears.Anyways, I shall keep on working at not feeding mine. Good luck with yours :)

so much to be grateful for

Very grateful to lovely friends :D
Gotta run, home visit this morning - i do like my job :)
So, focussing no all there is to be grateful for (and not that I spent ages last night sewing on a press stud, to firstly discover I'd sewn one half on back to front. Changed it, and then this morning apparently it's too tight anyway. Bah).
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sorry for such crappy blogs at the mo. normal service will be resumed shortly. probably.
right now we're on red alert - weather being a danger to life, tho to be honest it doesn't look all that bad to me. I'm charging my phone up just in case we lose power. And asked my driver if she still wants to go to choir tonight. I'll miss the sing if we don't go, but will be guided by her wishes.
I hope wherever you are and whatever you do you stay safe and enjoy whatever challenges come your way :)

can't even think of a title

Still wobbly today it seems. But as I've said before, the divorce process is not supposed to be light and cheery. Work is often good for keeping me out of my stuff so I will hopefully have a busy time there today.

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work did help. as did coming back and finding that people read my blog and care for me. thankyou xx

why bother being nice?

I was asked an ace question yesterday - "why does it hurt so much?" It's ace cos it can help the person look at just what is hard, and it's ace cos it simultaneously acknowledges the hurt. As always, I guess tone is key, as asked with incredulity, it would be undermining. Asked tenderly, it's great. My challenge for today is to try and ask everyone questions with tenderness.

Lots of people recognise just how kind and lovely I am, and tell me, which I appreciate. Sometimes people bring their stuff to me and aim it at me cos they know I'm a safe space, and whilst I'm not perfect and handle parts of it unhelpfully, in the main I am compassionate and don't retaliate. Sometimes tho I can then get to a place of feeling unappreciated for this, so it then gives rise to the question why do I do it. I'm aware that I partly am kind because I want people to think what a nice person I am. So when it isn't appreciated I can, momentarily, get aggrieved. The next question is then if it's not appreciated, should I bother. And I think the answer still has to be yes, because whilst affirmation is nice, the reason I am kind is because I think it's the best thing to be. So yes there are times when I think I "deserve" people to be kinder. But I believe EVERYONE deserves kindness. And maybe those lashing out need kindness above all else or else they wouldn't be lashing out. That's hard tho. It's much easier to be kind when people are nice to you first/in return. I guess it's why I surround myself with kind and generous people, so that I have an overflow for the people who are struggling.

I've already not quite lived up to my high ideals, but today still has lots of interaction with others - work, vets, parenting - so lots more chances to treat everyone tenderly, whether they are friendly or not :D

invention of lying/opening possibilities

The premise of the film "The invention of lying" is an interesting one - a world where everyone always speaks the truth, and indeed shares what's on their mind/heart all the time. I was struck by how bleakly such a world was portrayed, as if the truth for many is self absorbed and an inability to see the good in others. When the main character discovers he can lie, he uses it to spread happiness to others and not just for his own means - talking a neighbour out of suicide by offering hope for the future in a way he'd been unable to do before when entrenched in his perspective of the "truth" about this guy as a "loser." There's a lot on that "loser" theme in this film and I think my favourite moment was when the female lead, bound by truth, was able to expand her perspectives and see alternatives truths to the mainstream categorising of people as losers, and was able to offer hope and compassion - and didn't need to be able to lie to do so. I believe there are many truths and we can open our eyes and hearts to see them.

I think it'd be a great film for church groups to discuss - I found some of the parodying of Christianity to be funny, although a lot was cynical. I think it helps raise important questions as to if religion is merely an opiate for the people. When promised with an afterlife, behaviour changed in all kind of ways - some stopped caring about their life now. Ultimately it was a comedy and not a deep analysis on the place of religion, and that's totally fine by me. You can borrow my copy if you live near enough!

Meanwhile I'm still pretty anxious about this afternoon's meeting - an opportunity for two potentially differing perspectives to be hopefully heard and discussed. It'll be great when it's done cos for a long time I've thought along the lines of "when I know what my finances are like, I might be able to get a new vacuum cleaner" etc (I was given it many many years ago by someone who was upgrading. I have to hold it together in a particular way for it to pick up bits. It's still mainly fine and I won't rush to get a new one. But it will be nice to feel that I can make such choices freely).

Today I hope you too get to see hold lots of seemingly opposing truths and cherish them :D

time perspectives

I always find the contrast tricky, going from a bustling, love filled choir room, to an empty house. 17 hours seemed an incredibly long time to be on my own with my worries about Sunday and I got sad. The rest of today's plans had been up in the air and I didn't know if I needed to spend the morning cleaning in anticipation of guests so I hadn't made plans to go out anywhere exciting - well, just anywhere, with someone.  Still, rather than mope I made a long to do list of all the things I can do and I know I will get satisfaction in crossing them off. And lots of them involve other people so will counter the loneliness. So I remembered that now I no longer have free anytime calls, I need to focus my calls onto the free weekend slot, so I will call up some friends today. There is always work, and always housework, so I have listed a few items there too. And it;'s good to have a significant chunk of time to volunteer on the helpline. Breaking the time up makes it much more manageable and I know it will actually go by quickly and I'll wish I had done more with it! It's funny how time viewed in advance can stretch endlessly, but looked back on whizzed past.
Hope whatever your plans, or lack of them, for the day are, that you enjoy it :)

gentle mother hen

I love this about the value of gentleness:

http://myemail.constantcontact.com/Daily-Meditation--Dressed-in-Gentleness.html?soid=1011221485028&aid=DW0NPhUFFpA

Sometimes I have to think about my love and check if it needs to maybe be more gentle than forceful. Often I can feel my love fiercely, protectively. I wonder if it comes with being a mother, I often picture myself as a mother tiger or lioness. I've heard how love can make us so powerful we can lift heavy vehicles off trapped people. The concept I have of myself today tho is of a mother hen. I've always loved the image of God as a mother hen protecting her brood. Today my wings are wide and my comfort warm. Gather in people, it's good to be close and feel the softness.

time to talk

I'm watching increasingly more TV - it's now a ritual for me and my girly to bond over something in the hour before she goes to bed. Escape to the country has been the choice this week. This means I've seen adverts for the brilliant "time to talk" campaign peaking yesterday. A simple enough idea, that we all need to talk about how we are feeling, and set up more opportunities to listen, in order to reduce the isolation of the 1 in 4 of us who experience mental health issues.
I've so far only managed to watch a third of this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RT5X6NIJR88
and so far the only suggestion I've heard for us to grow empathic communities is to talk to strangers. I do this all the time - presumably learned from watching my Dad - and know that at least one of my offspring is following suit. Giving people space to share is a big part of who I am. Yesterday I realised I could tweak my life a little to enable that to happen more - I was dashing to work and realised that if I'd left 15 mins earlier, I could have had proper conversations with those I passed, instead of just the hurried hellos. Hopefully there will be time after my meeting today to head over to the supermarket without running, and so I will get to hear from a few folk as to how they are doing. The rain may scupper that tho, in which case I'll endeavour to try the person who was in last time I attempted a visit. This week I finally made it to the home of someone who has been inviting me over for ages. I was blown away by the way they have decorated their house - until we make the time, we just don't make the discoveries!
Yesterday was also the day my husband chatted with his solicitor, over a year after I had the same conversation with mine. We're now set to meet on Sunday to talk figures - he thinks this should be simple and I really hope it is - this particular conversation has been hanging over me for three and a half years now and it will be good to have it.
Whatever today holds for you, I'd encourage you to find time to talk, and to listen, with at least one person you usually wouldn't. I hope it holds unexpected delight :D

rain

With the amount of rain, I have been wishing the holes in my roof were already repaired (when I phoned the guy on monday he assured me it would def happen this week). However, I'm grateful that I don't have gaping holes in my wall or under my route into work, or floodwater covering my whole street, as so many people in the south do.
It seems I have lots of things on my mind that I'd forgotten about - despite the interrupted sleep, again I'm grateful that they have now floated up to the surface so I can take steps to deal with them. One involves sorting through the recycling to find a piece of paper I actually need, so I'm glad that's still in my kitchen and not yet in my outside bins.
Today I shall strive to be fully present in what looks to be a busy work day, yet also know part of me is with my friends at a funeral.

laughing out loud

Excellent!
It looks as if today is going to have loads of laughter in it :D
So far I made a tittering joke when I posted this on facebook (NB, might not be the kind of song you can play out loud at your work - it's JUST the sort of thing I can play at mine):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dw2XHMUnyE&feature=youtu.be

I amused myself by spotting the little dog in a woman's pocket in church (it's envy really - the thought of taking my dog into church... shudders...) and then made another joke with the vicar on my way out.

My Wednesday work meeting often include at least one laugh out loud moment thanks to my brilliant boss.
I hope whatever your day holds you can find something to be amused by. Best medicine and all that...

contented

I feel contented tonight, which is rather wonderful. Making a difference at work; being stopped by a kind woman who just wanted to roll down her car window in order to tell me that my son had been lovely at camp last weekend; reading my enjoyable book. I even spontaneously cleaned some of the oven and kitchen and actually felt at ease doing that too. Odd.
Tea for tomorrow is already planned. Tonight I was assisted by one of my fellow veggie workmates. I shall keep asking her what I should make for tea as she has some good suggestions. The kids have requested omelette so as long as the eggs turn up on my doorstep courtesy of the milkman, I'm practically sorted already.

Today's inspirational thought is about how we have to change sometimes in order to handle obstacles, and maybe even change how we define ourselves. I like this a lot, but also am finding it very thought provoking.

http://mythologystories.wordpress.com/2013/01/11/idries-shah/

song in my head

I'm often amazed at how some of the highest highs and lowest lows of parenting can occur within the same hour. A highlight of last night was the discussion we had over dinner about mental health issues, how common they can be and some of the names people get called that arise as part of the oppression. I won't go into the downs - I'm aware that any of my children's friends could read this and so try to be thoughtful about what I post. I went through all my blogs the other day to check I'd not used their names and was surprised at how many times I had and so changed them for daughter etc.

Cheese for a late supper last night and so plenty of dreams that I now can't recall except for not being able to remember what hakuna matata meant. So I've looked it up this morning and it's "no worries". Does that mean I was struggling to remember how to not worry? The song in my head this morning tho, bizarrely, is Christmas Bells. An interesting day then?! Hope yours is!
...
Interested to note today the difference our mood makes. Last Tuesday I also had a slow journey into work - last week I was feeling grumpy so was irritated by other drivers and felt the world was against me. Today I was feeling really good about my new change at work and full of confidence, singing along with the radio at the top of my voice, and didn't mind the lorry one bit. Hope you find whatever it takes to keep your spirit bright and singing out loud :D (if that's your thing. If not, whatever is your thing.)

no jeans

It's not that I want to take back everything I said yesterday. But I do want to amend it. Sometimes being alongside people in their struggles is excruciatingly difficult.
Mondays are currently my working from home days so I usually hang out in my jeans so I can walk the dog. Sometimes I have to wear my uniform if I'm doing a home visit or group. Today may require my presence to help Sort Things Out and so I've put on a skirt so I feel a bit more professional. For all my not caring what people look like, I know appearances matter and so I do sometimes dress the part. I know I'm actually quite good at taking up challenges and sorting things out - tho sometimes I really wish I didn't have to!!! I know the best way for me is always to treat everyone with as much love as I can manage, but sometimes it can be hard to discern what the most loving repsonse is. I shall try and keep my heart and ears wide open.

....

Bother. For the second week running, we've already had our emergency standby pasta n sauce meal option on the first day of the week. A day that considering it's my only working from home day, ought to be the day I produce something amazing. So much harder with a child home from school tho, as I don't like to go out for provisions. Hopefully I'll get to a shop tomorrow in my lunch break and the rest of the week's meals will still happen. To focus on the positive I have done everything off my to do list and will try my hardest to make sure we all get some sleep tonight...

solidarity

This is good:

http://myemail.constantcontact.com/Daily-Meditation--Solidarity-in-Weakness.html?soid=1011221485028&aid=tWiYTS3J5s4

It sometimes is very hard to explain the things I "enjoy" - I occasionally describe my work/life as "making people cry" which seems bizarre. But I feel most content when I get to notice how good it is to just be with whoever I'm with at that moment. Particularly if they are in a good mood too, obviously. But also when they are struggling with whatever it is and I feel lucky enough to be there - not to fix it, but just to be there so they are not on their own with it. I'm not so good being alongside people when they're ill - boyfriend has been up every mins throughout the night. So I couldn't be a nurse and greatly admire how they get alongside folk in times of need - I still feel enormous gratitude to the lovely one who stoked my head as I came round from my op last year.
We watched Made in Dagenham (a second time for me) last night and the power of solidarity is inspiring. I hope you get to spot today just how many people stand alongside you in solidarity, and that you also grasp as many opportunities as you want to, to show your solidarity with others. Peace sisters/brothers :D

picture this

It was good to be able to go in and see the dorm where my boy is stopping this weekend - I do like being able to picture my loved ones when I'm not with them and I have a vivid imagination so am often thinking of all my lovelies smiling away, or busy with chores, and I send them loving vibes to wrap themselves in. There are some friends whose homes I've never seen and I still picture them and it perhaps doesn't matter that I have it entirely wrong - the love doesn't need an exact image to get there :)
Today it feels like I'm waiting on lots of men to get back to me before I can take next steps - it won't surprise you that I find that difficult. Maybe I'll just go ahead and do things anyway.
Later I'm taking my girly ice-skating. Only I won't skate as she's going with friends not her mum. I'm now just the transport/wallet, and no longer the hand-holder in the same way. It's ok tho, I'll start my latest book and maybe take an extra scarf cos I like being snuggly warm and skating rinks are not the cosiest of venues. I know that I'm well wrapped in love cos I have so many ace people who tell me. Hope you today can feel it for yourself too - if not, here's some love for your shoulders coming your way right now :D