What if?

I've not taken most of my annual leave in my main job – I have kept thinking “best work now whilst I have childcare, cos I might not have it next school holiday” and so reach the year's end with holiday to spare and a bit weary round the edges. For various reasons I've not even had many weekends off, or certainly away. I want that to change so will have to look into what stops me from stopping.

Partly it's the “what ifs” - the uncertainty of the future having me reluctant to use things up – use up money I may need for other things, use up child care that I may have more urgent need for later, or even use up good will of other people in helping me to arrange things.

I don't think “what ifs” are a bad thing per se – they can help us imagine and prepare for things, they can encourage us to think big and dream and be creative about our futures. But I know my what ifs are usually more of the worrisome kind.

My computer is running slow so I have deleted some files. Today I need to be fast as I have rather a lot to do again, so know I need to delete some stuff so I'm not carrying so much (NB not people. I never delete people). So I've decided to commit to not doing any paid work on Easter Sunday to Wed – inclusive!!! And to try and put down my “what ifs” for the day. Let's see if that lightens me!