Reconciliation

Not one to rest on my laurels, I'm still keen to move forwards on other discordant areas of my life. The song in my head today is The Broken Body by John Bell – all verses are good but I don't want to contravene copyright so here's just the first verse:

"How can we live as Christians here, untouched by one another, Lip service paying to the name of sister or of brother."

It's about the disunity of all people not being able to share in communion together. Thankfully most services I've ever attended the table has been open, and I'm delighted that my children regularly take bread and wine. But I have been to services where because I'm not of that particular denomination I've not been invited to participate. That has felt hard – and maybe useful to experience as many people feel rejected in similar ways for all kinds of reasons.

And so I shall continue to reflect on where my actions or words can leave others rejected, and keep working on how to bring about as much reconciliation as I can so we can all get on with delighting in each and every one of us.

Love wins

Can't believe I've not had this as a blog title before, but apparently not!

I wholeheartedly believe this, tho there are times when it all feels a bit unlikely. But this week I have been bridge building and am soooooooooo pleased that love is winning. I really dislike it when I'm out of sorts with anyone – there's a bad taste in my mouth and I carry the hurt round like a grey cloud. Contrasted is the joy I feel when a relationship is being built upon, trust developing, hope springing up, potential unleashed.

I do know that I can't be everyone's cup of tea. The only thing I can focus on really is how I feel about the situation, thinking about what if anything I can do to help move a situation forwards. So today I feel pleased – pleased with myself for putting hurts aside and holding onto seeing the best in people. Proud that I am commited to doing what I can to offer olive branches not bricks.

It really is going to be OK.

Just as you are

I used the word welcome as one of the words to describe my faith, only it then didn't sit easily so I have explored the thought a little. I know I can overthink things, but I do believe the words we use can be important as they are expressions of all that's underneath (and at the end of the day they are only words so not to be taken too seriously either...)

So, welcome. I like to be welcomed – I've been to places where I have felt welcome, and places where I haven't. I'm very aware that lots of our perception as to how welcome we are is due to what is going on for us inside - we can interpret people's reactions according to our expectations. My concern is that sometimes welcome could be patronising – a bit like the word tolerance – depending what kind of positions are adopted. So if someone who already feels welcome and has no doubts that they are tolerated as in their mind there is nothing to tolerate, who holds maybe mainstream identities, tries to show welcome/tolerance to someone who is often “mariginalised” then there's a whole power thing going on I don't like.

When I'm somewhere I feel comfortable, cos it's a place I attend a lot/am familiar with, I want to welcome others who are perhaps there for the first time. (And I have welcomed others when I myself have been somewhere for the first time - welcome can - and ought to be - like that). But I don't want to imply that I have any more right to be there or am more/less important, or that “despite” their differences from me they are welcome. That's where welcome can be patronising – the whole concept that I'm more “ok” and that someone else should feel gratitude if I accept them. I don't always get it right – in my eagerness to welcome others I may well scare someone off. And others don't always get it right around me. But I guess we're all doing our best :)

A fab friend suggested the Nirvana song “come as you are” be used in worship, and I love that idea – for each one of us to be accepted, delighted in, just as we are and not shot down. Hope wherever you are and wherever you go, you know that you are welcome and wanted, just as you are.

Snuggling strangers

The fragment of my dream that I can remember gives me hope that maybe it's possible to put down our barriers, our wariness, our hurt, and just get on with being loving and connected. I'm looking forwards to the next few days and intend to as much as I can snuggle strangers as well as those I already love. Sometimes getting really really close with those we already know well can be hard – because there's the ongoing relationship there is already baggage, expectations, unresolved stuff. When we feel like that it can be hard to be genuine in our hugs unless we just lay the stuff aside and start again with the total loving. I have plans to hang out with a much loved friend as well as some quality time with my girly scheduled, and top of the agenda is to just be together, open heartedly.

And as for expressing affection with those we don't yet know – convention dictates that such a thing would be weird. Having woken reminded that my aim is to love love and love, I shall try not to let convention get in the way of that.

What if?

I've not taken most of my annual leave in my main job – I have kept thinking “best work now whilst I have childcare, cos I might not have it next school holiday” and so reach the year's end with holiday to spare and a bit weary round the edges. For various reasons I've not even had many weekends off, or certainly away. I want that to change so will have to look into what stops me from stopping.

Partly it's the “what ifs” - the uncertainty of the future having me reluctant to use things up – use up money I may need for other things, use up child care that I may have more urgent need for later, or even use up good will of other people in helping me to arrange things.

I don't think “what ifs” are a bad thing per se – they can help us imagine and prepare for things, they can encourage us to think big and dream and be creative about our futures. But I know my what ifs are usually more of the worrisome kind.

My computer is running slow so I have deleted some files. Today I need to be fast as I have rather a lot to do again, so know I need to delete some stuff so I'm not carrying so much (NB not people. I never delete people). So I've decided to commit to not doing any paid work on Easter Sunday to Wed – inclusive!!! And to try and put down my “what ifs” for the day. Let's see if that lightens me!

The sun melts the ice

There's a stone flowerpot outside my back window that for a long time has been swamped with water. This winter I've been using it as a gauge – if there's ice in it, I feel justified in putting the heating on. I wonder why I don't trust my self – if I'm cold, I'm cold and it's ok to address that – whether with yet another layer, or by putting the heating on. I don't need an external verifier. This morning it's taken very little time for the ice to melt, bit by bit each time I've glanced over - the sun has been strong.

So far my morning has involved trying really hard to focus on the blessings, the sunshine and not the ice. And someone has done something unusually thoughtful and it has affected me so much more than I'd expect. I guess where we feel warmth already there's no melting to be done. 

I hope the rays get into your cold bits today too.

Changed?

So, only a week to go and we can be back to our pre-lent ways of being... only that's not the point is it? I really liked the idea of thinking what it was I needed to do in order to be more like the person I wanted to be on Easter Sunday so the point of my Lenten practice was to change me. I still have a couple of tasks I've not done yet – buying a homeless person a hot drink and planting a tree. But my fave act of generosity so far was one I devised myself rather than had suggested to me – the flower distribution – and I'm esp pleased as I bought the flowers when I didn't have my bank card – it feels much harder to be generous when having to be especially careful with money – and I'm now wondering if that was the lesson of losing it.

Yesterday I went to a fab birthday party and didn't even consider taking a present – standard generosity – so I still have way to go. But being generous is so much more than spending or parting with something material, obviously. I feel I'm already pretty generous with my time, my attention, my love and I shall continue to seek opportunities to be more so. And next year – developing patience!!!!

Negotiating

My fab friends have lent me a book on negotiating. I do a lot of negotiating (I have 2 children). I recognise myself in the description of a “soft” negotiator where the focus is on keeping a good relationship rather than “winning” and is based on trust and agreement. The book is good for me in showing that this may not be helpful for times when I have to negotiate with someone holding a “hard” position who may be more adversarial. Instead the book recommends not taking positions at all, as then we get entrenched into defending or conceding them. It encourages instead “principled” negotiation based on creatively exploring options to meet everyone's interests. I'm liking what I've read so far and will let you know how I get on :)

Nothing is certain

My morning's meeting has been cancelled because of The Weather. I'm learning to be more flexible than I sometimes think myself capable of. In recent times life seems to have got a lot less predictable and what I'm going to be doing at any one time isn't known til it actually happens. My redeployment in a couple of weeks has changed a bit and i've said that's fine – I'll do whatever is needed when the time arises. It's good to live life like this, tho a bit out of my comfort zone as a natural planner. Sometimes it gets scary. I don't know how things can possibly work out – I can't envision them and I don't like it. But when I did have a picture of what life was going to be like, it turned out it wasn't going to be like that at all. So at least this is more honest. I can only live in the now and have to let go of needing to know the future.

Verbs not nouns

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be learning. I phoned the bank today and discovered my bank card hasn't actually been ordered so it's still going to be another 7-9 working days til it gets here. So that's 4 weeks without it. Happily I've been lent some money so it's not like the kids are going without breakfast, but it's not exactly convenient. Am I supposed to be noticing my interdependence? (a bonus of things being tricky is it gives people chance to be kind - and today several people have been kind to me). Learning patience (I did say I needed to do that – be careful what you wish for)? Doing what most people need to do in thinking twice before I spend any cash?

I've still been thinking about the importance of not comparing what we feel we do or don't have, and here's another quote I like:

“Love becomes tremendously powerful – as do you – when you treat it as a verb, as something you do, instead of treating it like a noun, as something you have or don't have.”

I think this could maybe be applied to money and other things too – I've long been aware it's only a means of exchange and holds no value in its own right. So I shall continue to exchange, I shall continue to love and I shall not sit in my counting house worrying about if I lack anything. Whatever it is that concerns us - love, money, friends, time – there is always as much as we need even if we sometimes feel there is not as much as we want.

Capitalist crap

Still enjoying my “madly in love with me” book and onto a chapter about the futility of comparing ourselves. Affirms what I've long felt, that we're encouraged to compare and find ourselves lacking – if we didn't feel insecure, who would buy all the shit peddled to us?

“Just imagine the energy and money you would save if you simply accepted your body, your history, your traits, and gifts... your imperfect, perfect self, your one-of-a-kind divine imprint of love.”

I'm lucky to have not absorbed much concern about my body, so I really don't waste money or energy on that – but I still have some way to go in terms of fully delighting in my self, and one of my particular struggles is feeling judged around the way I manage (or not!) my house.

Today there's no time to worry about that anyway, so I shall get on with the joy of loving and accepting myself wholeheartedly! Hope you do too :)

Patience of a sinner

I hate waiting. Right now I'm waiting for replies from different work situations in the form of 3 texts, 2 phonecalls, 1 email, plus the peas to soak, my bank card to come, and the world to become friendlier. As the last one is unlikely to happen without me getting off my bottom, I am going to stop waiting for the rest and go and maybe buy some daffodils to distribute to strangers in the park. It is Tuesday after all.

Karma

I'm finding it frustrating not having a bank card (it got cut up by the police when my lost purse was handed in last week, and I'm still awaiting the replacement) and so it's something I hadn't realised how much I take for granted and it's a good thing to raise my awareness about that. One friend suggested the fact that it was handed in – nothing missing – was karma, and I've been thinking about that. I'm not sure I agree with karma, although I now remember I enjoyed the TV comedy programme about karma, “My name is Earl” and must look out for episodes I've missed. Fundamentally, I don't think the fortunes or misfortunes that befall us are 'earned' in any way. For me, a favourite Christmas song is somewhat marred by the line “The Christmas we get we deserve.” Cos I just don't see how it can be true. If I hold to the view that we're all doing our best, then whether good or bad things happen can't be a judgement/consequence. Although I do think we all have influence. So, whilst I couldn't control whether the person who picked up my purse would pocket it or not, I do feel I've had a part to play in community building here where I live – the more we create places where people are listened to and affirmed, the more hope and love that is spread, the more that it grows and so will inevitably rebound.

I also think we can influence how we see each occurrence – that we all can have challenging experiences and can take them personally and lash out, or handle them differently. 

The quote I'm reflecting on most recently goes thus:

“False: When things change I will be happy. True: When I am happy, things will change.”

I'm not recommending forced happiness – I am advocating that we do what we can to not wait for our happiness. Enjoy!

church is who we are not where we go

A Bulgarian woman came to church last week. I didn’t know any Bulgarian and she didn’t speak much English. I invited her through for coffee afterwards and we attempted to communicate. It was really hard. It got much easier when after 10 minutes or so she produced a phrasebook from her bag, and we went on to exchange a bit of information.  This week, the guy who is doing the powerpoints has said he is going to write “welcome” in Bulgarian onto the opening screens, and someone else has found a Bulgarian phrasebook and map of the country so we can be shown where she is from. I have been practising the 3 words I was taught last week. I do hope she comes back! Hearing about people's thoughtfulness reminds me why I’m part of my church. Building community isn’t always easy, or fun – we all have our hurts and barriers - but is often worthwhile. And as always it’s a balance – I love meeting new people but am determined to make more effort to stay in touch with the “old” ones too – a fab phonecall with a friend yesterday helped me with that. 

Enjoy all the people you encounter today too!

getting things right for ourselves

My church has choir practices only about 4 times a year for a couple of weeks each time, in readiness for special services. I like to go as I often sing a cantor part, and I like being part of my local church community. However, the practices are usually at the same time as one of my other regular choirs (being in 2 and a bit choirs is not too much is it?). Sometimes I just skip my regular choir but at the moment we’re rehearsing for a gig, and I wanted to be there. And so I went to the first half of one and then the second half of the other. I arrived in good time for my first so had time to chat to people – it felt good. But in arriving late at the second one, I missed out on the news, the welcome hugs, and the camaraderie that actually is the main reason I go to that choir. I’d kind of anticipated this so had arranged to go for drinks with some of them after – but for some reason we overlooked the hugs. Now I’ve realised how important an aspect that is, when I do it all over again next week, I shall remember the hugs. I may not be able to be in two places at once, but I can keep striving to get things as right for myself as I possibly can! This is something I feel I'm developing at the moment - I'm aware I often settle for what is best for others - as long as everyone else is happy, then I am happy. However, having 2 children who mainly want different things, I've discovered keeping everyone happy is impossible! So it's great that I'm trying to get in touch with what I would like, and am then using my skills for all of us concerned to keep negotiating so we all feel our wishes are heard, and made reality as much as possible! Good luck with realising all your hopes for today :)

Putting into practice

The pain in my neck I've had these past few weeks is not just allegorical. I’m also a bit weepy about stuff so today is a perfect day for me to practice loving myself well! Last night I followed a fab activity in my book (hard for you to keep up I know as I’m reading a couple – this is the madly in love with me one).

The activity was reminiscent of the helpful counselling technique of recalling our earliest messages we received, and was about considering what we learned early on about loving ourselves. I’ll summarise it here, but wouldn’t it be great if you read the actual thing and gave it a go yourself!! So I drew quadrants, entitled Media and Society; Friends and peers; parents and relatives; and education and religion, and then wrote down some of the beliefs I absorbed about taking care of myself, saying good things about myself, how romance and relationships with others were rated etc.

Looking at early influences is so helpful I think, as without reflection, I know I can end up enslaved to certain beliefs or feelings, often unconsciously. So it’s great to take the opportunity to notice and examine what I feel and think and then I can choose what to do about them. So this morning I have noticed I’m weepy and need to take good care of myself – and so I shall! Hope you too can love yourself really well today - we each deserve nothing less!

Metta

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” (Often attributed to Buddha, but may not be the case).

I’m facing challenges at the moment that sometimes feel impossible and often feel unfair. I don’t feel patience is one of my virtues, but maybe that is what I need to keep working on and so I’m being given challenges in order to help me develop it ;) Handily, I’m still making good use of the Buddhist meditation book I was given, and so have been thinking a lot about metta (for a definition see for example http://www.wildmind.org/metta/introduction/what-is-metta). Right now, I’m not feeling loving kindness _from_ everyone in my life – but my aim is to keep working on my own feelings of loving kindness towards myself and others, so that irrespective of how people are with me, I can be as loving as I possibly can be back. I still have some way to go! But I’m clear about my goal and that is a great start!!

The daring adventure of becoming your own best friend

This is the subtitle of the “madly in love with ME” book by Christine Arylo that I have recently ordered for myself and am thoroughly enjoying. I can see the enthusiasm may be too much for some, but I am starting a list of friends who may get something out of it (do let me know if you’d like to be on it). I fully agree that unless we love ourselves unconditionally, it’s hard not to love others without some kinds of conditions imposed. And there are times when I could be a whole lot kinder to myself – the author asks us to imagine a world where everyone goes an entire lifetime without comparing, judging or emotionally beating ourselves up – sounds fab to me!

Lots of what she says is jumping out at me, like “The best definition I’ve heard for intimacy is “into-see-me” as in letting someone see the truth of who you are, see deeply into your heart and soul” so has nothing to do with nudity and everything to do with lowering the walls we put up that stop us being close with others or ourselves.

Already I think the first dare is too much and I shall have to modify it – to dress up and go on a date with myself. But I like the thinking and so Saturday I may well dress up and make myself a candlelit dinner, and just hang out with myself. And she’s clear it’s not about “pampering” ourselves, it’s about always prioritising the most important relationship we will ever have – with ourselves.

I’m liking the book so much I’ll be surprised if this is the last you hear from me on it!

Cuddles

These last few days I have been wearing a badge we unearthed in the spring clean. Made by myself and my girly when she was about 3, she couldn’t write but told me what to put on it, so it proclaims:
“cuddle up to someone if you feel scared.”
I’m immensely proud of how emotionally astute my children are. I don’t know when I first started thinking one of my purposes in life was to encourage connection and reduce isolation. Maybe it was my daughter who inspired me, maybe we inspired each other. Either way,  I urge you to grab someone for a cuddle whenever you feel a bit afraid of anything yourself – I think cuddles work wonders J

Reporting progress

Hard to believe, but I have taken the day off so that I can spring clean! The day has dawned cold but bright and already I’ve had a text from a friend who is popping over for a glass of water and a chat J Things are looking up already!!

However, I know I can sometimes get overwhelmed, given that my to do list contains some of my least favourite things. So I intend to regularly update so that I feel I'm not facing the day alone :D

Being the me I want to be

So fear and love again – both contagious, both immensely powerful.

At the moment I am doing a lot of modifying my behaviour – changing what I have been doing – not because I think what I was doing before was wrong, but because someone else does. Does that make me weak? Bullied? I guess if I was doing it because I was afraid of what might happen if I don’t change then maybe I would not be being the me I want to be! However, I’m clear that it isn’t about winning, about deciding who is wrong and who is right. Everytime I hold on to the bigger picture I can choose to change - not because I have to defend myself and who I am and what I do or don’t do, but because I think the most loving thing to do for everyone involved is to not feel I have anything to prove. That – that is the me I want to be J

All that matters

Some people really don’t seem to get where I’m coming from! I just had a conversation with someone who asked about the divorce and if I would “win” and I explained I didn’t feel it was about winning, but about staying loving throughout. They so didn’t understand that!! But that’s fine. We all have different takes on the world and why we’re here – I know I sometimes inspire people to think about things in alternative ways, just as I have my mind broadened when I hear other people’s perspectives. It can be affirming, when someone seems to understand where we’re coming from and maybe shares our view. And I appreciate that it can feel threatening sometimes if someone doesn’t – we can doubt ourselves, we can want to attack their view or defend our own.

For me all that matters in the end is how we love and I’m pleased with how well I’m holding on to that. To keep love, love, loving – myself, my immediate loved ones, and those far and wide I’ve never even met. And whether people “get” me or not really doesn’t matter J

Handling hurt

Loving people can be so incredibly easy – they love you and appreciate you and make you smile and big you up, you love them, it’s a doddle. What is so much harder is loving people when they press your buttons, have a go, peddle fear and cause disruption. That’s, obviously, when it’s a whole lot more challenging. It’s so tempting to slam the door, get defensive, and to be hurtful back. Some who love me find it hard to see me getting hurt as they are right, I don’t deserve it, none of us deserve it. I can understand how so quickly hurts can be traded – is it possible to stay clear and respectful without being seen as a doormat who absorbs others hurts (and gets hurt, feels the hurt)? Right now I don’t really want to listen and understand the other person’s perspective or even consider trying to reach an agreement – I want to laugh in their face, or tell them where to go, or to just cry and cry and cry.

Fortunately, I’m a woman of great resource – internally, and with a bunch of supportive friends. So I am having my cry, my laugh, my imaginary telling where to go. And hopefully will then have enough clarity to hold onto a bigger goal of unity not division, of compassion not distrust. Of rising above the hurt rather than being dragged down by it. In the face of everything, I can still choose the me I want to be.

What is my story?

Tomorrow morning I shall be out of my comfort zone, delivering a couple of workshops at a college. If I wasn’t so shattered, I’d be panicking about it now. Or maybe I’ve got better at the not worrying about tomorrow, consider the lilies of the field thing??

What _is_ in my head is the question “what is my story?” I’ve thoroughly enjoyed a conversation tonight with one of my very few fb friends who I don’t know in real life. We became friends after a Rob Bell talk we were both at, and tonight have chatted and she said she would like to know more of my story. So what are my stories? I know there are many many ways in which I can present who I am – I’m def more than the sum of all that’s happened to me so don’t want to present a list of life events. I’m fond of my summation on fb “lover of humanity, harbinger of hope” – lots has brought me to who I am now, far more than can be typed whilst I’m falling asleep. I have started to reflect on who I think I am – maybe that will be tomorrow’s blog? But for now – and maybe this is the geographer in me? – this is who I feel that I am - I am a river flowing to the ocean passing through this land.

http://youtu.be/jet_kk8Zp84

Since first discovering this song at a folk festival, it has resonated deeply with me – maybe as I am keen to remember how we are all interconnected, we don’t operate in isolation tho we sometimes feel and act that way.  We may start little and fast, and become more meandering, as we grow each time we encounter more and more other sources – some adding a few drips, others massive tributaries. And we’re not done when we reach the ocean, cos it’s all part of an amazing life-giving water cycle. I’m off to bed contentedly and will enjoy my rivery-ness. 

Have our cake and eat it

My daughter, when she was about 3, overheard a news article on the radio whilst we were changing for swimming (I didn’t have news on at home as I didn’t think it was good for young children to be overwhelmed by the horrors that are reported). Someone was being imprisoned for deliberately infecting someone else with AIDS. She knew what AIDS was – just cos we don’t do news doesn’t mean my kids are not informed of important issues – but in a more positive “what can we do about it” way. Her amazing question was about if they gave someone else AIDS did that mean they wouldn’t have it anymore. Mostly, when we give something away, like a football, we no longer have it.

One of the brilliant things about love is that the more you give away the more you get. In the giving it way, we get more. How fab is that? And the more others are given, the more likely they will give away more too – and so it goes on. And on.

Well if you are (what you love)
And you do (what you love)
I will always be the sun and moon to you
And if you share (with your heart)
Yeah, you give (with your heart)
What you share with the world is what it keeps of you
(Noah and The Whale)