love vs doubt

Sunday's sermon and reading was about doubt. Poor Thomas - forever consigned to history with one word to describe him, one moment when there clearly will have been so much more to him.
We were asked to plant our doubts so they could be transformed, like acorns into oak trees. My girly wasn't sure what to write and wanted to see mine so I happily shared. My list went:
Am I really loved?
Do people really want to be with me?
Does God actually exist?
Is what I do enough?
Should I speak up or stay quiet?

As she read through them she said - well that's a yes to that.

And that's the thing about doubts - they are personal, they are ours, they are the places we struggle to fully believe in ourselves when others who are not crippled by our insecurities, can see us for who we are and instead have clarity about our awesomeness.

I also remember the incredulity of a friend when I shared some of these doubts - how could it be despite their best efforts, that I didn't know I am wanted? Yes it's not down to anyone else's efforts. I'm not sure it's proving our doubts false that we need, as just how much evidence would we need? Our doubts have a well worn groove in us and can be hard to release, and it's only us that can release them. The protestations of others can be welcome (although does that mean they don't believe us??!) but ultimately those doubts are our doing, our downfall, the parts of us that make us human. Nothing to be ashamed of, plenty for us to work on.

Sharing our doubts - is that a risky business? In telling the world my deepest fears am I exposing my soft underbelly to attack? I guess only if I think my deepest fears are dangerous in the hands of anyone who would wish me harm. As they're my fears - I'm the one who controls how much they can hurt me.

But now, I can't spend my entire morning blogging and on the phone, I have to take my car to the garage in the hope that they will find time to fix it so I can get to work tomorrow...
Afternoon visitors no longer coming. All the more cream cakes for me :) They are entitled "indulgent" so I'm taking that as a warning sign that one is sufficient and I'm (so far) leaving the other for another day. I'm now dividing up resources for the 10 churches I'm co-ordinating this Christian Aid Week. Hoovering for the visitors is paying off now :)
Collected car from garage. Took car back to garage as it was still displaying the fault. It seems to be ok now (fingers crossed).