flagrant disregard of warnings!

I've been thinking this week about how people can warn us about things and have heard the phrase "don't say I didn't warn you". I understand that this comes from a place of people wanting to protect those they love. And I'm not stupid - when I see a warning sign on a motorway, I do slow down and am extra vigilent. And yet I'm also aware that I don't live my life according to warnings :) It's like the stranger danger thing - I don't want to have my children suspicious of everyone they meet. When they leave each morning I don't issue a list of things to watch out for that might harm them. I tell them I love them and encourage them to have fun or have a good day. I firmly believe we see what we look for. So if I'm watching out for danger, guess what I'm going to spot!
So here's what I'm going to look out for - evidence of people doing good, loving well. If people want to warn others about their behaviour, I suggest it says more about the warnee rather than the one being warned. I'm so glad I don't have to operate systems such as three strikes and you're out. No threats hanging over us, hopefully just the knowledge that nothing is unforgiveable. I find that quite a relief :)

Late night last night and early start this morning - I am glad I wrote this last night, my brain hasn't kickstarted enough yet to write!! I have the wild goose song in my head "Don't be afraid, my love is stronger, my love is stronger than your fear. Don't be afraid, my love is stronger and I have promised, promised to be always near". It's got me through many a dark moment. Today the fear isn't standing a chance of winning. Today I'm really clear that we can be free from the fear, and just boldly love. Yay!

mission statement

I'm a big fan of Pip Wilson, he of "you are beautiful" declarations. I follow his blog, often short and to the point, and was particularly impressed with his recent one revealing his mission statement in just 6 words:
"I will be an effective lover"

Now, I like the potential discomfort in the use of the word lover, since as you know I think love in all its forms is marvellous and yet we live in a culture that obsesses with sex. And this too is what my aim in life is. I want to learn how to love better those I'm lucky enough to have in my life. So I want to get closer to and love better my children, my parents, my boyfriend, my friends, those I work with, the people I will pass as I walk across the army camp shortly, those I've not yet met.

I tried singing fearlessly again last night and remembered what the choir leader said about it feeling a bit out of control, that when we sing in a measured way and think about it, then it's like we have it in a box. When we become fearless we can feel we have less control. Sometimes I feel loving fearlessly can be a bit like that, and I'm not perfect and still have much to learn!

As I don't think love is zero sum, I'm of the view that the better I get at loving anyone, the knock on effect should be positive, the more refined I can be in my loving effectively - tho we all need love in different ways so what will work for some won't work for others. Time/focus/energy, they are not zero sum so there's balancing to be done there. I shall keep up my metaphorical tightrope walking practice :)

http://www.pipwilson.com/2015/04/my-mission-statement-pipwilsoncom.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+pipwilsonbhp+%28Pip+Wilson+bhp+......+blog%29

on not running away with the circus

The theme of my current book group, and subject of a radio interview I was listening to last night, was running away with the circus. I have to say there's not many things I'm less likely to do (cue me thinking of others things I'm unlikely to ever do like take up butchery etc. Anyway, you know what I mean.) This is not only because I don't enjoy performing and am hopeless at things like juggling and tight rope walking (except figuratively, I can be good at both those when we're only dealing in metaphor). It's mainly because I just don't do Running Away. Sure, like everyone I have my moments of imagining heading off for a remote island and lying back and gazing at the clouds without having to worry about responsibilities. But not only am I just too sensible, I also actually know I wouldn't enjoy leaving behind all those I am in connection with. So after a couple of minutes of clouds scuttling by, I'd be wanting to text my kids, arrange a visit from friends - I don't think I'd escape cos I actually have set my life up in order to be bound up rather than free from (relationships, not stuff, we can all be more free from stuff!)
That's not to say the occasional holiday wouldn't be nice. But tricky as I find conflict, and staying in at times, I'm more likely to be the one running towards the Sorting It Out, rather than away from it. So if you like having me in your life you can breathe a sigh of relief - I'm not planning on running away anytime soon :)

what's important

One of the fab outcomes of reflection, for me, is that it helps me refocus on what it important. So in discussing with a friend yesterday I commented how I wouldn't have my balance right if work prevented me from phoning a friend in need. Later I was about to run an evening session and hadn't finished the tidying but remembered my words so phoned a frined instead - I'm glad I did, it was the right thing to do.
One difficult of not being omnipotent is that I don't know in advance what might turn out to be important. So with hindsight, we know that tidying that sheet in the garden would have been crucial in preventing that accident, or spending time with that person could have been the most important thing as we then weren't going to see them again. But we don't have hindsight in advance. Obviously. So we get to constantly try and figure out what's important now despite not knowing what is coming next. "If onlies" are pointless. For me, reflection and prayer are what help me discern what is important to me, and to clear out what gets in the way of living my life and handling the challenges in the way that I'd like to.
What works for you?

the smell of burning rubber

After some fun in the sun by the sea (it was much much colder than anticipated but we still had lovely icecreams), it was back to Project Garden. One of the plans is for a tyre swing. Drilling a hole into a tyre is way harder than I could have imagined - there's a layer of metal threads that were very tricky to get through. I now can still smell the stench of burning rubber in my scarf. And whilst we've succeeded in breaking through the strands, the hole is nowhere near big enough yet to get the rope through. Maybe that will stay on hold for now til we get better tools. Meanwhile today's another sunny day but I really must tried and do some paid work. Oh and some more sorting for Christian Aid Week. I'm glad they've already released £50,000 for Nepal.

sing fearlessly

How awesome is this path my girly's made up to the "secret garden"?

Our lovely choir director gave us lots of tips, my favourite being to sing fearlessly, as fear holds us back. This seems valuable advice for life generally.
I've definitely increased my confidence in singing and enjoyed making good use of my 'earthy' voice rather than my head voice. Demonstrations available, but not via the internet!! We spent most of the day learning the one song. It's all to do with how we need each other:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMcJL_UDAvw&list=PLX6vD4vyFVomRzX7UatjhMe-Z5QfrC5CE

on my side

I didn't really want to get up yesterday, the challenges felt too great. But up I got and the day turned out far better than I expected. Instead of it all being down to me to resolve, I felt the problems were shared, and that makes everything so much more bearable when we're in it together rather than set up as adversaries. I don't know if estates did come and look at my wall last night, I didn't see them, but I feel they are taking it seriously, it's not all down to me to take charge.
Today again I don't feel like getting up, beset by yet another cold. But I have a whole day of singing, I'm so lucky to spend so much of my life doing what I love. If you're not spending the whole day doing what you love, I hope you can notice the fab little bits and relish those.
Xxxxxxxxx
Singing great. Earthquake sad.

to live without my music

...would be impossible to do. In this world of troubles, my music pulls me through (John Miles, Music)

The car (surprisingly?) passed its MoT but they had to take a battery out which means various things have gone a little awry. Including the need for a code before the radio/CD player will work. My attempts to enter the code have so far been unsuccessful, and so my journeys today have involved me singing to myself unaccompanied. Not a good time to be an alto, as the harmonies aren't harmonies when you sing solo. There's something very important about that :)
However, nothing is impossible so I'm sure I'll work it out. I am a competent and compassionate woman who can handle any challenge that comes my way (that has been my mantra for today). And so I went to the pub to discuss our wall and they got onto "estates" who are sending someone round. Tonight!

the before and after lie

I'm beginning to think there will be no "after". There are before pics, and during pics, and more during pics, and then some yet more during pics. My digging folk have now departed and there is still much to be done. I don't know if it will get "done". I just know there's no happily ever after, just a making the absolute best of and delighting in the during.

My girly tried to remind me of this whilst I was getting stressy as it took us the whole evening to construct the swing bench, to enjoy the process rather than fret about the time it's taking to get to the end result. She was right but I was still very grumpy throughout - I had other things to do too! We finished it by torchlight.

As this is where I had my breakfast today, I guess there is a kind of 'after' photo, whilst acknowledging we're still not there yet and might never be, as everything is always in process. I feel the truth is we have to celebrate the where we're at, the how far we have come, and not fret about how far away we might feel from where we thought we were going to end up.

it's the you you tell 'em

Oooooh, I've got a new favourite joke!!!
"What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?"

I've always had an acquired taste for jokes. As a teen my long standing favourite was "What do an orange and lemon have in common? Neither can drive a tractor" And of late it was one the children and I liked together - "What cheese can you hide a horse in?" Marscapone. (A Southern accent has that one work better but I like it nonetheless.)

Today I need to remember to laugh. Upon waking way before the alarm this morning I was aware of a nanosecond of blankness before all the concerns came cascading in - "I'll need to remember to take my MOT cert with me when I take the car" "Just how many Christian Aid bag drop offs can I make on my way to taking it to the garage and still get back in time for the digging guy?" "How can I find out if I paid for a St George's Day lunch?" "How silly will I sound this morning when I make that phonecall cos I'm not fully convinced I have that person's name right?" etc etc. I'm aware that I fidget a lot and think I'd be really overweight (given the amount I eat) if it wasn't for all my nervous energy. But I also wonder how better for my health it would be if I wasn't fretting all the time. (Except I'd be enormous with the amount of cakes I enjoy!!)

More later...

the permanence of concrete

The thing about concrete is, well, it's very concrete. I'm having a worry about whether it's the right size, and what significance it will have once we no longer use it as a base for a pool. Apparently it will be strong enough to keep a tank on it (adds tank to shopping list. Oh no, hang on a mo...) It all just seems a bit permanent and so impossible to alter if we got it wrong or change my mind. But as I was telling one of my besties the other day, nothing is impossible. I really should listen to my own wisdom ;)

Worrying about permanence, worrying about temporariness, I'm going to have to check the fears aren't winning!! It'll probably be that "wanting to be in control" feeling that's been giving me terror recently. You know when you have control issues when you catch yourself thinking the sun is in the wrong place ;) Am going to do myself a favour and go eat my breakfast in the sunshine :)

swings and swings

I phoned my bank to give them advanced notice that I'm spending money at a rate way more ridiculously than I normally do. I don't want for them to stop my card in a panic. But it turns out there's no system for people who want to warn of high spending. They will just contact me if it flags with the fraud team that my usual withdrawal of £20 a time has suddenly repeatedly got an extra 0 on. It's all fine tho. I even got an unexpected small tax rebate including - wait for it - a repayment supplement of 2 whole pence. So swings and swings. In fact, speaking of swings I've just ordered this swinging bench, ready for the space that is going to be created in our secret garden. Once we have an awesome garden I'm hoping I'll invite friends over for BBQs, how ace will that be? :)

  Colorado Swing Bench


It's a beautiful day. I'm not normally out in the garden before 8am, but was out to check there was nothing untoward out there before my digging folk arrive. Maybe once it's all done I'll go and breakfast out there. I forget that it's one of my favourite times of day for being outside. Hearing the birds, absorbing the potential of a day. Hope you feel it too :)

... "can't make an omelette without breaking eggs" and "everything works out in the end": keep repeating this to myself. As happens, of course, but I forget, it's taking much longer and far more materials than anticipated. (both of which means much extra cost of course). Tempted to get down about it, but there just isn't time, gotta go and draw out another £200...

party wall

I don't know what springs to your mind when you hear the term "party wall". For me I have an image that involves flimsy paper hats, streamers, and dancing. Sadly, the reality differs and it's to do with a wall dividing properties - and in my case one that is falling into my garden. This is at the back of my house so not my new neighbours with whom I regularly chat, but a pub that I have no dealings with. Except this week, on my long list of "things I'd really not rather do" (along with sort car insurance and will writing) I might have to have dealings.
From the riveting reading last night, it might actually be a retaining wall (that conjures less fun images). And the deeds tell me it's silent which makes things harder. So it's all to do with ascertaining responsibility, negotiating what needs to happen next, with a big need to stay hopeful and kind throughout.

...
My word for today seems to be awesome. OK, I've not been anywhere near the pub yet, I'm awaiting advice from a pal in the know before I do anything. But I have nonetheless done some great negotiating already today. No paid work yet, maybe it's not going to be a paid work day, but lots of relationship building and rebuilding. Far more fun than walls. I've reached out to a couple of different friends I have been missing lots and not been sure how to rebuild. I've made some new friends and done some negotiating from our different starting points. I've phoned and spoken to people who haven't answered my emails or texts. All of it feels very uplifting. I hope your day is full of as much to party about :)

not cheap

I sat next to someone I don't usually sit next to in church. She very kindly grabbed my hand when she saw that I was crying during the prayers. I told her that she probably didn't realise that I often seem to cry at church, it had just been a tough week and it wasn't because she'd just declined collecting during Christian Aid Week.
As soon as I was back from church it was then straight off to the vets as my poor doggy had had a run in with someone's discarded sunglasses on the field and needed a claw removing. I suspect this is the start of one of the most expensive weeks of my life, as the car has a service and MoT this week and the making safe of my garden is not coming cheap either. Good job it's only money and there are way more important things to focus on.

deep in my soul

I read this a few days ago and lots of it resonated. Except I'm possibly unusual in feeling that I have deep connection with more than one person. Maybe it's the result of my failed marriage that means I'm just too scared to attach myself to one person? Or maybe I just am very lucky to have met several people who are so deeply connected to my soul?


http://themindunleashed.org/2015/01/10-signs-found-soulmate.html

I can recommend the film 'boy meets girl' and think it's great it encourages us to think whether our concepts of gender and sexuality limit who and how we love. I think it's a shame tho when romantic love is seen as the logical conclusion to love - that's not how it works for me.

Two things have struck me so far already today. One an ariel photo of camels in Saudi Arabia that on closer inspection we can barely see the actual camels, it is their shadows that are depicted clearly. And secondly I had a chat with the guy who is coming to make my garden safe next week. He was telling me of a large tree that took 2 hours to fell and clear up. Then they started on digging up the root and that took a surprising 5 further hours. I have been described in many ways in my life and tenacious is one of my favourite. Life involves lots of staying around after the big event, good job I'm willing to do that :-)

It's been such a teary day. I keep getting pulled back into remembering one of the worse moments of my life, being around heartbreak. It's so hard when we just can't fix it for those we love, that no matter how large our love we can't stop their pain. Tough times.

I already knew you weren't perfect - and neither am I!

I know lots and lots of people and not one of them is perfect. And here's something you already knew - I'm not perfect either. Sometimes I'm lucky enough to have folk show me some of their imperfections, and when they do I don't love them any less for it - I already knew they were flawed, now I'm just privileged enough to share in a clearer picture of how hard that hits them.
Do I rejoice in those flaws - no. I know my loved one's wouldn't want for me to experience the crappiness of when my fears have me in their grip. But do they love me any less for having them, nope. So it's the same with my wishing those I love weren't impacted by their struggles, but loving them just as they are anyway. Love is like that :-)

the forcefield of love

There are times when I think to myself before entering a room that no matter what the people in that room bring to the situation, I will Be Love. I really enjoy it when I'm in that kind of place - it's like I'm impervious to other people's grumpiness with me or the world, I don't let it bring me down, and instead I find this playfulness that comes from a place of trusting that no matter how much they are hurting, I am so confident of my love for them, and my loveablity. I then get to see the difference my lightness makes as I almost tickle (not usually literally) the person into a cheerier place as they too are reminded just how much they are loved, and things don't seem so grim after all.
I think it would be fab if every parent of a teenager was encouraged to develop this essential life skill of standing firm in the face of grumpiness. I wonder if it's taught to those whose job it is to deal with customer complaints?

Other days, well, I'm less in touch with that forcefield. I go into rooms of loved ones knowing that actually, having cried on the way, I'll probably need to lean on someone. I'm the one in need of reminding how loveable I am. That at those vulnerable times, perceived criticism enters me like an arrow rather than gets deflected. Sometimes, in entering the room, I pick up vibes that actually others are struggling more, and I have to wait til later to find someone to lean on.

How I wish everyday was a strong day. I feel I make more of a positive contribution to the world on those days. But the truth is we contribute in our vulnerability too. It's a myth that we have to be strong all the time. However, knowing we are loved all the time - I don't think that would be a bad thing!!!!

you're indestructible

It had been a crappy late afternoon and by the time I managed to get out with the dog I was up against it timewise for getting back to make tea before we had to leave. Time pressure is never my favourite - I am always grumpy and the annoying dog got shouted at as he kept dropping his ball and it would roll down the street whilst I was trying to pick up dog poo. Being me, I wasn't just walking the dog, I was dropping off my book group book en route (tomorrow I'm doing several other errands on both the way to and the way back from my clinic at the army camp). By the time I arrived at the house to hand over the book I was very stressed. The lovely woman said I was doing really well with everything (tell someone that today, we all need to hear it lots) and offered me a hug. I nearly cried and really really needed that hug, only I was clutching a bag of dog poo and ball thrower in one hand, and trying to restrain an over excited hound on a lead with the other. The resultant peck in the air was not satisfactory.
I've mentioned before that the dog takes two balls out with him - one to be retrieved whilst the other is waiting to be thrown as an incentive for him to come back to me. They are allegedly indestructible, but part of the stress was one had been squished out of shape and so couldn't fit in the thrower so was yet one more item I was juggling (tho not literally) and I thought I was going to have to chuck it in the bin. However, once on the field, with hands no longer filled with poo and book, I squished it a bit more and it bounced back. I'm sure there's a metaphor in there :D

how deep is your love?

In yet another full on week of work, I have to leave the house dot on 8.45am so I can get to run a workshop this morning. Next monday is currently looking reasonably quiet - let's hold out for that for now!! I watched a clip on planets this morning and how Earth is teeny weeny weeny in comparison with some of the hyper planets I've never even heard of before. It was mind blowing and easy to then feel insignificant - except I know we all matter muchly so that's OK.
I was able to make time to call some dear ones last night which was good - it's always great to remind each other we're not alone in our challenges but thought of and loved deeply. Hurrah!

happy go lucky

Whilst on our recent family holiday I was explaining how I think it can be limiting for siblings to be ascribed a role: "the xxx one". Whilst growing up, my sister was "the happy go lucky one" (and the "photogenic one") and I felt I couldn't be those things. In the course of the conversation, someone said she sees me as happy go lucky - which felt very liberating. I'm not sure it's true tho, I am ultimately a Sensible type, rarely throwing caution to the wind as instead I weigh up and try to do The Right Thing.
I wonder if I would be happier if I trusted my luck rather than my judgement?

Teeth cleaning not so easy when wearing a large jangly hat :)

I guess this depends on how we define luck and think the phrase is more to do with how we react to life - do we worry or go with the flow? I am definitely more of a worrier, tho I try not to be.

I suspect happy go lucky people get invited to evenings out more - I see them as more fun. But maybe I get invited to more meetings where I get to use my big picture approach. And as I'm not a sitting in the pub kind of person, maybe it's all worked out for the best.
Yesterday not much went to plan. I wonder how today will go? I'm going to go and find my jester's hat and wear that into work, see if that helps me join in with the fun that is life :)

Hmm, it didn't get much of an outing, work was v busy. Just having my first brew of the day now - glad I saved that cream cake!!

love vs doubt

Sunday's sermon and reading was about doubt. Poor Thomas - forever consigned to history with one word to describe him, one moment when there clearly will have been so much more to him.
We were asked to plant our doubts so they could be transformed, like acorns into oak trees. My girly wasn't sure what to write and wanted to see mine so I happily shared. My list went:
Am I really loved?
Do people really want to be with me?
Does God actually exist?
Is what I do enough?
Should I speak up or stay quiet?

As she read through them she said - well that's a yes to that.

And that's the thing about doubts - they are personal, they are ours, they are the places we struggle to fully believe in ourselves when others who are not crippled by our insecurities, can see us for who we are and instead have clarity about our awesomeness.

I also remember the incredulity of a friend when I shared some of these doubts - how could it be despite their best efforts, that I didn't know I am wanted? Yes it's not down to anyone else's efforts. I'm not sure it's proving our doubts false that we need, as just how much evidence would we need? Our doubts have a well worn groove in us and can be hard to release, and it's only us that can release them. The protestations of others can be welcome (although does that mean they don't believe us??!) but ultimately those doubts are our doing, our downfall, the parts of us that make us human. Nothing to be ashamed of, plenty for us to work on.

Sharing our doubts - is that a risky business? In telling the world my deepest fears am I exposing my soft underbelly to attack? I guess only if I think my deepest fears are dangerous in the hands of anyone who would wish me harm. As they're my fears - I'm the one who controls how much they can hurt me.

But now, I can't spend my entire morning blogging and on the phone, I have to take my car to the garage in the hope that they will find time to fix it so I can get to work tomorrow...
Afternoon visitors no longer coming. All the more cream cakes for me :) They are entitled "indulgent" so I'm taking that as a warning sign that one is sufficient and I'm (so far) leaving the other for another day. I'm now dividing up resources for the 10 churches I'm co-ordinating this Christian Aid Week. Hoovering for the visitors is paying off now :)
Collected car from garage. Took car back to garage as it was still displaying the fault. It seems to be ok now (fingers crossed).

the dog's armpits

I'm very lucky to have an incredibly cuddly dog. One of my favourite moments of the day is first thing just before getting up, when I snuggle up really close to him. Aside from his very cute silky soft ears, another delightful place to stroke is his underbelly where his fur is thinnest and so he emits a wonderful warmth, my own living hot water bottle. If I lift one of his legs, the folds in his skin are really really toasty.
I adore these moments of warmth and softness and connection - touch is my primary joy and as you know I enjoy that connection with my humans loves as well as my unexpected canine one. Sometimes I long to stay cuddled up and wonder what life would be like if actually I could just stay permanently attached to my snuggly ones. But I suspect part of the delight is in the brief coming together before then going on to other things. And today has many other things in it - lots to sort before 9 am.

being our beautiful talented selves

The plan for this afternoon, the last of the Easter holiday, is for a family cycle. Neither I or my children have been out on bikes since my friend was killed on his, but I was in agreement with his friend who in a eulogy at the funeral said Paul would not want for anyone to be put off from the freedom of two wheels. I'm a fair weather cyclist tho and it's currently raining so we will have to see what the afternoon brings.

Meanwhile I've been thinking a bit about talents, having appreciated this week the writing abilities of a friend. I think my own talents are connected to warmth and encouragement. When people live their lives utilizing their potential rather than holding back its a Joy to behold. There's a beauty campaign worth watching:
http://www.littlethings.com/dove-choose-beautiful-ad/?utm_source=OS

It has folk deciding which door to walk through, beautiful or average, and it's great to see how people delight in themselves when theyes elect to declare themselves beautiful. Now I would argue that the word average sets us up unnecessarily in competition and that as we are all beautiful, beautiful is the average. But for me the message is to remember we are beautiful and go out and be it :-)

breaking eggs to make an omelette

When yesterday I looked with a little dismay at the impact on the garden of all the scrub clearing, it was wisely pointed out to me that in order to make an omelette, you have to break some eggs. My girly has today said it's like we've dropped the box of eggs and it does feel a bit like that. Everywhere I look there is chaos. In searching for the hamster, we turned some rooms upside down that we are now trying to clear should we ever have to hamster hunt again. I've already made one run to the charity shop and we have other bags now lined up, and the black bin is already full.
This of course is all good stuff. Only today's main task was actually to go and buy school shoes...
... We did get shoes, and panels to keep the dog in. We've only managed to get one up so far (it was windy) and there is still so much to sort. But I'm sure progress had been made even if it's going to be a long time til omelettes can be served.

here I stand and here I stay

I've still not seen Frozen and so the song "Let it go" hasn't worn too thin for me yet and I'm enjoying singing it at Friday Night Choir. I especially like the line "here I stand and here I stay" - we altos have lovely notes for it and I love the message. Some of the choir folk I don't know all that well yet, tho everyone seems rather appreciative of the weekly hugs and my responses when someone can't make it. Other choir folk I know really really well and the line feels fitting for those of us who sometimes struggle in the face of various storms yet here we all still are, singing strong together. Such awesome wonderful people, I feel very glad to be able to stand/stay/sing alongside them :D

Woken up with that same sense of joy of being loved. This is a good thing, especially as my girly spent several hours rearranging the kitchen last night. I can't find anything. There's also a surplus of stuff that needs to be found a new location - sometimes jobs once started need way more effort than anticipated to finish, and there was already plenty that needed doing today...

men-women-children-hamsters

One of my friends suggests a theory - that men love women, women love children, and children love hamsters.  Clearly this is not universally true, but yesterday I could see elements of truth in this idea.
I ducked out of going with my boyfriend to get his new bike despite his excitement over it, as one of the hamsters was missing. Hours and hours later the hamster was finally located and recaptured (thanks in part to the new bike lights. Funny how aspects of a story can come together). My girly - so fretful from a distance, helpless in being unable to help - is very grateful. I don't care much for hamsters, but keeping my kids happy, that's top of my list. What's top of yours?

Until this morning my garden looked like this on the left. When I got back from work it looked like the right. I'm still a bit stunned. I now have a lot more garden than I realised. Now we have the space there's lots of work needed to make it usable and pretty...

especially fond of you

It feels good to be getting back into the swing of what passes for normality. I have a whole host of things to do this morning before running group, and then the plan is to have an afternoon and evening off to celebrate the fact that this month the short term relationship I'm having with my boyfriend has lasted 4 years.

My re-reading of The Shack last week reminded me of much that I value. I can't remember how long ago it is since I first read it, but I was pleased to think I've perhaps unconsciously drawn on it in my approach to people - I particularly love how God is shown to be especially fond of people, and it turns out that God is especially fond of each and every one of us. I think this is so important. Of course there are people that I'm drawn to and have amazing connections with ablaze with delight, and there are people with whom our connection is tetchier, and those barely begun. But my fondness runs deep and uniquely, each and every time. I don't know if you are automatically fond of everyone you meet - I appreciate we're all different and some people just don't work this way - but it is such a joy for me :)

I've just liked Anne LaMotte's facebook page as some of what she has been sharing there inspires me too. There's so much inspiration everywhere. The internet can be a glorious thing. And yet frustrating too. Spotify is still operating in a world of its own, but I'm using it as best as I'm able. I have a variety of playlists there for all kinds of occasions. One has versions of songs that are perhaps less well known than other versions, but are preferable to my tastes. I've entitled it "lick the tins" after their fabulous cover (not on spotify) of I can't help falling in love with you:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4vAP43d2gs

It's a tad bittersweet, a song put onto a compilation for me 20 years ago by my then fiance. But the truth is we are all such miraculous beings of course we can't help falling in love - with everyone if we so choose. Now, whether we stay in love, or loving, that's a different matter entirely. I think God stays - us humans, we sometimes don't pull off staying. But today my aim is to celebrate that you, and I, are totally fall-in-lovable with. YAY!!!!!

what day is it?

Holiday/bank holiday has left me unsure as to what day of the week it is. And yesterday I'd noted the time on several of my notes before realising the phone clock I was using hadn't been updated to BST. Yesterday was even more full-on than I anticipated. I'm hoping today's a little less so, and have already got tonight's tea of Freezer Surprise defrosting on the side. This evening's gig doesn't even start til 8pm and I'm yawning already. Tho my experience is that the singing will revitalise me. Hurrah!
I like this:
http://www.pipwilson.com/2015/04/the-las-bk.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+pipwilsonbhp+%28Pip+Wilson+bhp+......+blog%29


Grrrr. only just got in now at 4.30! Am glad tomorrow morning has some space in it to catch up on other jobs.

store cupboard standby

Need to get organized today, have to be out of the house early so I can drop my lovely offspring off for a few days with their dad. I'm going to miss them loads. Then straight into work and once back catching up on my 3 other jobs too as I've not done anything for any of them. I also will have to do some hunter gathering, there's only so many times I can make use of my emergency pasta that I stock my cupboards with.
My computer hasn't been on in a while but have a full day in Blackpool before firing that up. I bet I then work most of the evening to alleviate the hush.
I've not found my joie de vivre yet today, maybe it will appear as the mist burns off? (yes it did - I love supporting women!)

good times

I suspect it's going to be tricky getting the kids up on time tomorrow to take them to their dad's before I go to work. I think today is likely to be a lazy day again. We had fun family times yesterday - a proper dog walk together, the kind I'd been promised before getting him, and don't recall actually having in the five and a half years we've had him. Then a long film together last night. Good times.
Despite not being in any doctor's surgeries for awhile, I still seem to have developed a cough and cold. I wonder if anyone would notice if I walked the dog in my pjs?
Pot noodle and a duvet on the sofa. Do days get any lazier??
Doing nothing doesn't suit me tho and I soon got impatient - I'm allowed to now, Lent is over. I've done a fair few little things these last few days, like bring some purple and yellow into my front garden.

Easter garden

Six or so months ago I was given the number of someone who will be able to cut back my trees. I finally got round to texting him last night and he's coming over today - Easter Sunday! It feels like we're finally making headway on the Big Garden Plans that my girly has drawn up. It's good to feel like I'm moving forwards as I'm mainly feeling a bit stuck, lots of difficult dreams that then linger through the day, and sadness resulting from reading about the importance of relationships. I'm taking my 3 review books to church today and am left with a slightly disturbing book group one, set locally that I'm already halfway through.
An early start as we have breakfast at church today - the kids have been looking forward to it but now can't be roused. Hopefully there will be infectious joy there.
There was joy. I've still not had any chocolate but hopefully that's about to change.
Feeling pleasantly relaxed now - hurrah! Just getting there with one day left of the holiday!!

egg on my chin

One of the many fabulous things about having extended time with people was the opportunity to discover more similarities and differences. At one point I heard for the first time the phrase 'you have egg on your chin' at which point you're supposed to look down at your chin and in so doing realise your trouser zip needs doing up. Maybe my boyfriend's family have chins that jutt out - I shall have to check next time I see them, but my first response would be to feel my chin or look in a mirror as there's no way I can see my chin by looking down! As I'd not eaten any egg I was just a bit bemused.

I really enjoyed all the finding out of these little things. I'm nearly at the end of the shack now and am once again delighting in its emphasis on how life is all about relationship and growing in love for those around us. Sounds good to me.

''Each relationship between two persons is absolutely unique. That is why you cannot love two people the same. It simply is nit possible. You love each person differently because of who they are and the uniqueness that they draw out of you. And the more you know another, the richer the colours of that relationship''

I have some relationships that fizz with colours, aand sometimes I get jealous of other people's dazzling relati
onships, but jealousy gets us no-where. I'm going to see if I can turf my boy off the sofa and do some enriching hanging out with him :-)

not a single deadline

Brilliantly, there is not a single deadline today. I'm not sure if this has ever happened in my life before - there's always someone needing taking somewhere, or something that had to be done by a particular time even on days off. But not today. Of course there is plenty I could do and the dog needs walking, we have to eat etc but the timings on those are flexible.
This is great because I really need to do not very much at all. For over a week now the edges of my mouth have been cracked (the part where they join, hurting when i open my mouth wide to sing or yawn) a surefire proof that I'm rundown.
And so my plan is to laze about. Lazily. Re-reading my book ready for the church review - am ideal book for Good Friday. I might venture out for Easter eggs which I've not bought yet thinking I still had ages. And there's been a request for pot noodles.  Seems like laziness is the order of the day!!
...
So far I have drunk a whole mug of tea whilst it was still hot and only got out of bed to make some toast. The internet for company only gets me so far tho, as anticipated, I'm feeling the contrast of no longer hanging out in community. Maybe I'm going to have to face the rain and see who wants to chat in Morrisons.
...
One of my besties described The Shack as an easy read, and it is, and yet it isn't. I'm over halfway now and enjoying it as much as last time. Only I'm struggling as I'm so empathetic and the great sadness is indeed great, the loss unbearable.  I've spent the majority of the day in bed reading/surfing. Who'd have thought holidaying could be so tiring.

family fulness

I've known my boyfriend's family for several years now and feel a bit firmer footed in my place in it after several lovely days away together. There was a moment in charades when I used the word we in relation to a family member that had me recognize that. I said we could put her on the stage, she was so good.

I spent far too much of the time worrying who I - or my very bouncy son - might offend, through creaking the floorboards too late at night, or being too loud, or spending too much time with or not enough time with. But there's happy talk of doing it again and maybe then I will relax more into it, now I feel more assured of my place.

5 of us then headed to my parents for a wonderful lunch - yet more animated conversation and that simple delight of just being in the company of people you love, there's been so much of that these last days I know I'm really going to miss it now we're back down to three. I've suggested that if there is a next time family holiday in the same place, my parents can pop over for a cup of tea. An amazing aspect to the best of families is when the limit isn't drawn but welcome is shown to the new as well as the old hands, as has just happened.

Right now I'm feeling very lucky. If a bit tired from late night card playing!!

singing to the sheep

I had many great outdoor moments yesterday and not all were on my own. I enjoyed surprising some sheep who didn't look very used to being sung to. I was grateful that there were willing participants for my scavenger hunt, tho as can happen with these things the event took much less time than its planning.
Today I need to do better around my boy, too much sugar and having to wait 13 hours til he got to do the activity he wanted was not a great combination. I need to show appreciation for the unexpected ally, another Mum, who helped me get some of his needs met. It's a constant juggle, hopefully I'll manage better today and need to keep reminding myself I'm not on my own.
... Had a marvellous morning, lots of fun time with my lovely boy, helped by a very upbeat supporter happy to listen to his facts and join in his songs. Yay for not being on our own!!