bridge heaven

It is very very lovely here. I shall try and Bob outside often just because it's so gorgeous. I love this bridge so much.

The waterfall is right beside the house and it's wonderful hearing its powerful noise. I sat awhile watching a branch getting incessantly battered by the water as it pounds over the top, bouncing back each time then getting battered again. Very resilient. Can you see it in this pic?

uptempo

The downside of spending an entire weekend singing Gospel music is that it can be hard to shift the uptempo songs from your head as you've gone over and over them for hours. This is not always desirable when trying to sleep.
But I'm back awake again now (songs still there) and have a ridiculously long list of stuff to crack through before leaving for holiday. I'm not sure of internet access whilst away but will blog if and when I can :D

Yay for internet access! I do miss it when I can't communicate.

making use of my passport

As we "lose" an hour in the morning and it's already an early start, I'm writing tomorrow's blog now ;)
This morning involved an incredibly wet dog walk. I was reflecting to myself how rainy early mornings remind me of holidaying. I'm lucky enough to have a fair bit of flexibility in my life/work/dog walking so I often try and avoid the rainiest parts of a day. But when you wake up when camping and need a wee and it's really wet, there's not much choice but to go out in it. I then observed that my associations of holidays are then perhaps different from those folk who have sunny foreign holidays. Since my now teenage daughter was born I've had 2 weeks away abroad, one in France and one in Germany. I then realised that I will have used my passport much more for DBS/CRB checks in that time than I've used for travelling!!!

Right now my head is pounding - perhaps insufficient air/light in the room I spent the day in - sometimes I feel I'm too sensitive for my own good :(  Hoping tomorrow is less headachy.

doing my best for bees

"Don't think of what could go wrong, think of what could go right"

I'm a person who often ponders what ifs and I've been trying to do that less really and instead go with the what is, the joy of the here and now. I love the above quote, especially as I believe we construct a lot of our own reality, that if our intentions are positive, we can make that positivity happen. Sometimes I worry that if I look forwards to something too much I might get disappointed. And I'm looking forwards to these next few days a lot. So much singing!! And then so much hanging out time!!

Of course positive thinking doesn't mean life goes smoothly, it won't stop planes or cars from crashing and I don't want to seem to belittle anyone's tough situations. I don't know that I would have the strength to remain kind with my captors in the way I've heard some folk be.

I had a delightful 20 minutes or so sat on the pavement near my house yesterday. I'd seen a bee that I knew would get stamped on if it stayed sprawled, lifeless, where it was, so I took her out some sugar water on a teaspoon and watched with fascination at her long tongue sucking/lapping it up. She certainly seemed revived after but I wasn't sure if I'd helped her on her way or merely prolonged an agonizing death. Intervening in nature can be a minefield. Let's assume for now I helped keep the essential bee population alive.

living/dying

By 4pm yesterday I was collapse-in-a-heap tired (tho didn't actually get to bed til much much later). It's been a tough term, and I'm aware I'm carrying a lot of grief still and that is wearing. I still simply can't get my head around how one moment we can be here, fully alive, breathing, loving, an integral part of other people's lives, doing things that make a massive difference to others as well as doing a whole lot of insignificant things like farting, doing crosswords, clearing up. And then we're not. I'm still shocked by the loss of my friend. And like many, I'm horrified by the thought that someone might intentionally take the lives of others - all those lives, ended.
I'm very grateful that I have a weekend full of singing (2 choirs tonight and then even tho it means early starts, a vast amount of Gospel singing on both sat and sun!), and then several days full of opportunities just to hang out with those I love. That for me, is living.

And for anyone who wants something a bit lighter, this tickled me:
http://distractify.com/pinar/top-of-the-charts-music-lyrics/

little precious

Some wednesday nights the kids go to their dads and the next morning I hover so as to get a quick hug with my boy before school starts, all the more precious as I've not seen him the night before/that morning. He only has one term left at the school opposite and then we won't be able to do that any more. I'll miss that and am trying to make the most of the time we have right now.

Things are feeling a bit difficult at the moment. I even wondered if my texts weren't working this morning as I had done lots of putting out and not getting back - but then I got a flurry. Maybe it was a patience test thing? Nearly Easter and I can go back to being an impatient grump ;)
I have had a smile brought to my face tho by a lovely email interchange with a customer service bod at Ecover. I was nice to them and they were nice back, it was a mutual appreciation thing that can be so affirming :)

love, remember

Next week I'm taking annual leave from all my jobs at the same time - wooo! Monday I have data and report writing cos it's the end of the month, a foolish time to be away, but then I shall be off and won't even take my work phones with me when I go away for a few days. Once I'm back I shall have to try hard not to work, but I know it will be good for me if I try to properly relax. I keep finding things that I think "oooh, I could take that with me to do on holiday." Like sew on all the new badges now my boy has grown from a cub to a scout, and take the two books I need to review/find passages from for the next alternative worship.
Mainly tho I'm planning to hang out - I'm going with a lovely bunch of people and simply being together will be enough :) There are changes afoot - my boyfriend was told yesterday that he's being made redundant in 3 months - so it's a good time to just hang out and share worries and hopes and stay focussed on all that is important. (That will be love. Anything that distracts us from that is just a distraction).
First tho there's all that tying up of loose ends that has to happen before taking a week off. Mustn't get distracted from that main task (love, remember!!) Sometimes I catch myself, like last night, being grumpy about having to do so many chores, and realise that I've lost my focus. Today's a new and beautiful today and my focus is really clear :) What's your focus today?

ox

I'm not into Chinese horoscopes but my boyfriend is, and he tells me I'm an Ox. I'm not sure I have the constitution of one, I'm still a bit sneezy and am aware I'm a tad rundown. But I don't do badly, I think the only time I've taken off work sick these last 5 years is when I had my operation. This is not bad considering that for work I hang around in a lot of sickly places, like doctors surgeries. Maybe it's all the hand gel I use? Or maybe the dog has even more uses than I am aware of (cuddling up to him at night has undoubtedly been brilliant for my mental health)

http://ind.pn/1MQ3rRl

As you'll be aware, my house has always been a great source of immunity building germs, rather than being an intensively bleached environment. It's all part of my carefully thought out plan, honest!

dreamscapes

I'd quite like to make a record of my dreams as I'm sure it would be interesting. Last night I noticed that for the second time in a row part of my dream was based on the street next to where I grew up (lots of my dream locations are from my childhood, I guess it's cos it's such a significant time). I'd be keen to see what my dreams are trying to tell me. I know that in the past I used to dream of the chaplain who married us (and did the marriage prep) everytime things weren't great between me and my husband.
The main bit of my dream last night had a made up location - that happens too sometimes.

Anyway, much as I'd like to lie dreaming today is a busy day, out this morning but back this afternoon to get through the things on the list.

sidetracked, me? http://www.churchrez.org/news/holy-week-myers-briggs#.VQ2orAu3Vvk.facebook

bambi

I think the first film I ever saw at the cinema was bambi. My Mum took me when I was young, I don't know how old.
I've not seen it again since, until last night. I now wonder if a lot of my take on life can be attributed to the impact of this film? An outrage at the way humans destroy nature. Empathy, and fear of loss.
It was a family filled lovely day with no less than 4 walks and an exciting dash to go and catch sight of a sunset.
I realize I don't do much that is spontaneous, there always seems so much to juggle. I'm also aware it takes me a while to relax and am sad that it's looking less likely that I'll get any length of holiday this year. It seems to put pressure on making the most of the days away I've already got booked. Tho making the most of everyday sounds like a good plan doesn't it.

lovely day

My mum loves this view. It's what can be seen from their bathroom window. it has changed a bit over time. When i was little there were no houses opposite .

The dog has not given up impatience for lent. So ive already taken him out for a short walk whilst my breakfast is being cooked

Its a gorgeous day so i will be out again soon.

biodegrading

There was a carrier bag at the bottom of my washbasket - I'm not sure how long it has been there, but it has disintegrated into tiny pieces - I presume it is biodegrading.

It's been a trying few days and I feel a bit shredded myself. I was pleased that I was able to discuss my thoughts and feelings at length in our book group meeting and didn't get at all upset. We had one interesting discussion about seeing people in a different light once we we're dead and could see things from their perspective. I wonder if that does indeed happen? I suspect once were gone we no longer will care about the things that cause us anxieties now. 

An important aspect of my belief is that I think God sees my every flawed attempt at living and loving and is pleased. I try really hard to do this with others, I don't always manage it, but it's my intention. I can find it hard - and unjust - when people don't think the best of other people (including myself!!) so draw comfort from the thought that maybe one day people will get that realisation - ahhh they were doing their best in that moment, I never realised they were trying to juggle this, that and the other (these might be feelings, pain, circumstances). And of course I have no real idea what other people are up against, maybe I'll one day get better clarity as to why someone was choosing to say or do something that I found hurtful/unjust. For now all I can do is keep assuming that there are reasons why people act as they do, and as I have no idea of the concerns they are carrying (unless they want to unload a bit of them with me - some do, some don't), keep trusting that they too are doing their lovely best. There is so much potential for misunderstanding each other as the glimpses we get into other people's realities is so brief - but we can try our best :)

... New fire here in dufton. May do pic tomorrow.

knowing I already have it all :)

I would say I'm mainly a "glass half full" kind of person. Some days I can be a "wow, look how much is in my glass and then there's all this awesome air on top and that contrast is amazing!" And other days I can be "how come it's always down to me to keep checking on my glass".

I love this quote:

"The secret to having it all is knowing you already do."

What I've noticed is the days I feel most content and less overwhelmed is when I'm able to focus on what I have, rather than what I don't have. The days I'm not comparing my glass, or to be honest, even thinking about my glass.

A combination of no sleep last night, and a streaming cold, means I don't think today is going to be my 24 hours without complaining. Complaining definitely has it's place - the more our heads and hearts are full of concerns, the more we have to get rid of them so we can think clearly again so we can work out how we want to move forwards. Complaining and being heard is one way of doing that clearing out. But I also know that what we focus on is what we see, and so it's good for me to keep my eyes on all that is lovely. I'm glad that tonight's busyness is less brain dependent than the last two evenings, and today I will definitely do some resting.

not dismissing anyone

I have seen an interesting challenge on facebook - to not complain - at all - for 24 hours. My immediate thought was I'd have to pick my day carefully. I suspect that's not the point. Tomorrow there's an issue I need to raise at work that may be seen as a complaint tho I don't know I'd see it that way. So I wonder if I could start as soon as I've raised that?

It will be another long day at work, out of the house way before I'd like to be, hence me posting this now. Some days I manage more compassion than others (tho all days I try). I really like this thought provoking quote from the marvellous Henri Nouwen. I'm not one for throwing things away, or walking away from folk who are not the way I'd perhaps like them to be. Just like I'm grateful to those who know that I too, have plenty of weaknesses, but that rejection isn't the way we build community. Sometimes tho it's not easy, hey?

Not Breaking the Bruised Reeds

Some of us tend to do away with things that are slightly damaged. Instead of repairing them we say: "Well, I don't have time to fix it, I might as well throw it in the garbage can and buy a new one." Often we also treat people this way. We say: "Well, he has a problem with drinking; well, she is quite depressed; well, they have mismanaged their business...we'd better not take the risk of working with them." When we dismiss people out of hand because of their apparent woundedness, we stunt their lives by ignoring their gifts, which are often buried in their wounds.

We all are bruised reeds, whether our bruises are visible or not. The compassionate life is the life in which we believe that strength is hidden in weakness and that true community is a fellowship of the weak.

Henri Nouwen

And then some lovely before and after pics:
http://gu.com/p/46kb9/fb

spike/surge/cut

Twice last night the power momentarily went out - not enough to reset my new oven clock, but enough to switch off the computers. Losing power always worries me as it also means I lose contact - my landline and internet are all electricity reliant. I still don't know if it was a spike or a cut, but I'm hoping it was just temporary.

I'm still feeling down. I know I need to let go of other people's reactions to me. Several times recently I've seen a really good quote (tho of course now can't find it!!) about how if we're kind because we are expecting a kind response then it's actually like a business transaction rather than a genuine act of kindness. So I can't control other people's gratitude and if I'm doing things only cos I want that gratitude then what does it say about me anyway? And chances are there are tons of examples that other people have when I wasn't as grateful as they'd have liked.

The other quote I really like at the moment is from Rumi: "the beauty you see in me is a reflection of you." I know I say things along these lines a lot (tho not as eloquently as Rumi) - I definitely agree what we see is a lot of what we are looking for. Today I'm going to be looking for the beauty in others. What are you going to be looking for today?

monday monday

I usually like Mondays but today is a struggle. I'm not even really sure why so that makes it hard to remedy.
Full marks to the friend who used the phrase "she's a credit to you", I felt very affirmed in that - someone reading my blogs and applying their learning ;)


I'm working my way through my to do list and received a really brief email that brought tears. I'm trying to get sorted for Christian Aid Week and one of the folk I contacted replied with a simple "I'm still here". The truth is lots and lots and lots of people are still here, it just sometimes doesn't feel the case. So I get to focus on how I'm not organising it on my own, there is lots of local support. Just like I'm not actually parenting in isolation, or doing anything at all on my own - when it feels like I am that's an old feeling and not a present reality.


My hob already seems to have an unremovable mark on it. But I have just made a soup for a mere 8p. I've used half a 16p tin of mushy peas and watered it down and squished the peas and hey presto, a very cheap and also nutritious lunch.

My boyfriend had come over and is once again trying to work out why my computer is slow. Apparently my browser had 1099 problems. That's even more than me!!

love languages - acts of service

One of the books I'm reading at the moment is concerned with the love languages we can use to show our teenagers how much they mean to us. We all have different ways of being able to know we are well loved and the book shares how some of us respond best to touch, or words of praise, or gifts, or time, or acts of service. The latter is something I often appreciate - when someone does something for me. My parents would do things for me when I was young - my Dad would make me a cooked breakfast, my mum washed my clothes and I never even really noticed.
Yesterday I observed how in order to take it easy today I had to work quite hard to get extra jobs done. Yet this morning I've woken up to discover that in the night my girly had cleaned the bathroom and done a load of washing. She knows well how to show me that she cares.
Whatever signs you need to know that you too are well loved, I hope you see them today. I think they are often there abundantly, we just don't always notice.

afraid of the dark

There's a song we sing at Friday night choir and if it catches me on a wobble it can set me off (to be fair there are lots of songs that if caught on a wobble I weep at. Music can be powerful like that). Fortunately a friend noticed and came over to be with me awhile. I probably need to look at why it gets to me. I'm not afraid of the actual dark, but I am afraid of getting hurt. Again. It feels like I don't get much of a let up between the storms I'm crawling through, and it's hard not to feal fearful - who likes getting hurt?


Yesterday was a bit of an odd day. I earned £21. I gave away 3 times that and also bought a rather pricey oven that is going to be delivered shortly. It had better prepare and cook all my evening meals for me ;)


Oven is here, the shelves are all silver rather than encased with burnt-on black. I went to see "home" with my boy - I enjoyed the film but I did cry. I wonder if crying uses up calories - it must be like sweat, leaving my body??

funny for money

I'm hoping to fix a few things today. One of these is my computer. My boyfriend did things to it yesterday but I think more may need to be done, including getting Chrome back as I liked that. I've smiled at the info I got today when opening this blog using internet explorer instead:


"The browser we detected is unsupported and may result in unexpected behaviour"


And my amusement is cos that's exactly what I think can happen - when we're unsupported we can go awry :)


We tried to fix the oven - impressively dismantling it, to discover the part we want to replace is welded to the inside. So today I need to look at new cookers.* Saves cleaning it I suppose.




I'm looking forward to this evening - I really enjoy Comic Relief - what's not to like - redistribution of wealth to those who have more need of it, with lots of much needed humour at the same time. I've noticed I'm still really struggling with my friend's death. I either think "what's the point?" about stuff. Or am hyper aware of things - the bright yellow of the daffodil, the warmth of the skin I touch, whatever it is I'm flooded with a gratitude that I can notice. This is a good thing, the former response less so.
Singing means I won't catch all of comic relief but that usually brings laughter too :)


*That's me £459 lighter. And I notice that I have a deep seated belief that money is for saving not spending, which I can see is really pointless. Can't take it with me, why exactly am I earning it if not to buy stuff when it is needed. I'd just rather spend it on nie things is all. So I bought myself some 15p daffodils too.

making good use of the things that we find

Motivation = zero
Stuff to do = lots

After work today I may go and look at ovens. I have discovered that the main thing I use my oven for is the clock on it. I've also discovered that unless you reset the clock when turning it on at the wall, the oven part doesn't come on, so I could just use the hob without the main oven coming on everytime I warm some beans (the knob came off jamming the main oven on at 170 degrees, so we're now controlling it only using the wall switch). So really there is no urgency. As long as I place a clock in the kitchen.

There's an empty tub in the back garden that I've failed to tidy away. Over time it's filled with rainwater and I've just watched a blackbird bathe in it. So all these millions of things that I've not managed to do - perhaps good can come out of it anyway?

...
I'm cheering up now I've discovered there's a "lyrics" function on the new look spotify - karaoke potential, but also now I can hopefully just get more of a sense of what the songs are all about :)

disconnected

Being too busy doesn't work for me. I'm feeling disconnected from my loved ones. The good news is that after today things calm down again and so hopefully I'll be able to reconnect. I did manage a bit of painting with my girly last night. And the parents eve was good - my son's teacher uttered the words "he's a credit to you". I don't know if she says this to everyone - if I was a teacher I'd say this to everyone as I believe it's what all parents need to hear. I have been thinking about a place where staff never criticise a child, only giving praise for good behaviour and only tells parents where they've done well - I think this is fab. I may not be a teacher but I am a sunday school leader and I do try and say to parents what a joy it was to have their children in the group that day. I will endeavour to do this more.
I think lots of us are pulled to notice where others could do better and think it does require effort to stay focussed on what is going well. It's a sound principle tho. I will keep applying it to myself and everyone else today :)

... still feeling disconnected. weather is grim and really i'd like to curl up in a warm duvet with the book my colleague has lent me. There's cakes at singing tonight so hopefully those - two of my favourite things - will help.

oven knobs and broomsticks

If you fall off a bike you're encouraged to get back on it. It fits with my "feel the fear and do it anyway" perspective on life. And so I was back on the motorway yesterday tho the whole thing has shaken me up so I've been feeling my feelings not stuffing them down. I was ridiculously tired last night so didn't get to do this blog then. This week is far too busy, somehow I need to find time to put fuel in the car as I don't have a broomstick, maybe I'll just have to leave for work early.
I now also need to source a new oven too as the knob snapped off. Tho a friend has suggested just buying the part. Either way it requires decision making. And as I've still not put the bath panel back together or sorted the masonry that's fallen down from the front door, it feels like things are breaking at a faster rate than I can fix them.

 At least the weather is a whole lot cheerier today.

incredibly grateful

I passed the first patience test but possibly failed the second.
We'd been for a meal out, and had just got onto the M61 pulling into the central lane as we'd need to take that lane shortly. There was clearly some kind of incident ahead and the traffic ground to a halt. After a few minutes I turned off the engine and we waited really calmly for half an hour or so, enjoying the 80s music on the radio. There was no heating and it was only 1 degree so after a while we decided to put the engine back on so we could warm up a bit. Only it wouldn't start. The headlights are automatic and so had been on all that time and drained the battery. Numerous attempts and still nothing and now the cars in front were beginning to move.

I put on my hazards and rang, a bit panicky by now, my roadside recovery people. And at that point an angel pulled up and asked if we'd like help pushing the car onto the hard shoulder. I was, and still am, so incredibly grateful to her. My brakes are controlled electronically and there was a worrying few moments where we just couldn't get the automatic brake off, but somehow (and I'm still not sure how), we did and they pushed me onto the hard shoulder. My boyfriend currently has a cracked rib. I'm grateful to him too, it's not really what you need to be doing when you have a cracked rib.

For a while I sat there with my foot jammed on the brake pedal as otherwise it kept rolling backwards (scary much?) til my boyfriend suggested we just left it in gear, and then we clambered out. And then I shuddered as I watched car after car thunder round the corner at over 70 miles an hour. If we'd still been in that central lane I can't see how it wouldn't have ended any other way than disasterously.

The rescue truck came and quickly jump started it and we made our way back. I still haven't quite returned to normal levels of cortisol. But I can't stay up too late as I have blackpool work to get to in the morning. I do feel incredibly grateful tho.

pink elephants on parade

Every day, in fact every moment, changes our lives. Sometimes massively, sometimes almost imperceptibly. We generally don't know at the start of the day just how life-changing it might be. So I don't know what today holds. As I'm unusually working in Blackpool on Monday maybe I'll spend some of today on my Monday roles? Maybe, now the leak seems to have dried up, I'll work out how I can replace the bath panel. Perhaps I'll even go and buy the jar of marmite that keeps slipping my mind but first I'm leading Sunday school so best get to that.

raising my voice

Parenting had gone pretty well this week, I don't recall shouting at all. Maybe this patience malarkey is paying off after all?

I really enjoyed raising my voice last night to 'you raise me up'. I was attempting to sing a different part to usual rather than leave our lovely tenor on her own. I was pleased to feel less of a liability than a previous week when I'd made a similar move of solidarity only was asked to return to the altos as I think I was hindrance than help. Last night I got to growl the low notes with gusto.

Sometimes I guess we can sing all the wrong notes in all the wrong places. I'm glad to be part of both my choirs where there is emphasis on joy, that mistakes are seen as evidence of trying and that improvement is encouraged by listening to others. You can draw your own parallels I'm sure. I have an early train to catch, a day's cpd in Cumbria.

...
I keep forgetting I don't like pendelinos. So tired now.

it's the wrong trousers!

As I was leaving work yesterday someone commented on my new style uniform and only at that point did I realize I was wearing the wrong one.
I now feel maybe that was symptomatic of the whole day. The wrong bag meant the eggs smashed, the paper handles unable to bear the weight. The incorrect penalty letter. An email saying I've done something else wrong.
It feels wrong to be parting from my kids for a few days just when I feel i've rediscovered my parenting skills. It still feels wrong that my friend died, wrong that I can't hang out with those I'd like to hang out with. Wrong that I live in isolation when I was designed to live in community. Even spotify is all wrong.
Let's hope that today I'm wearing the right trousers.

(I would like to point out the artistic licence I've taken with today's title. Actually I wear the same trousers for each of my main jobs, it's only the top that differs, but where's the comic inspiration in a title of 'it's the wrong top'?)

can you feel it?

"Where do you know her from?" the guy I lift-share with asked me as we clambered into the car after the gig.
"I've just met her," I replied.
She'd come over and asked if I did hugs. A better response at this point might have been "Does the Pope pray?" but when you're talking to a vicar you've just met, you can't always be certain of the appropriateness of religious humour. She felt we were kindred spirits and I agreed. We had just a couple of minutes chatting after the hug, but I've now found her on facebook and I'm hoping it's the start of a beautiful friendship. Tho the actual start was perhaps in the interval when I approached to check if she wanted a brew bringing out to her as she was stuck on the raffle table rather than able to make her way into the refreshments hall. When I returned she was so grateful, I explained it's part of my strategy for supporting leadership :)

It was a day of connections really (unlike other days how?!). I thoroughly enjoyed the training I was on, looking at the dance of reciprocity and considering other terminology for things I already do a lot of :) And there was cake :D

A song in my head tho is a round that I learned at girl guides that goes "Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver but the other gold." Now I'm of the view that silver and gold like everything else, are simply part of creation that we have ascribed differing value to when they're actually both beautiful (and in my view no more beautiful than say a leaf. I can see pitfalls tho in a bartering system based around leaf circulation). So to all of you reading this whether you have known me a long time or not, I'm sending love and images of vibrant-coloured autumnal leaves. Enjoy :D

....
next year im not giving up anything for lent. life is hard enough without getting these extra challenges chucked at me. today has been tough :( Just waited an hour in a queue to get through to HMRC having opened a letter saying I had a £100 penalty for not filling in a form (one I'd been told back in oct6 2013 that i didn't have to fill in). Now I've spoken to someone it does indeed appear that it was an error on their part but for that hour i wasn't very patient. It's also just so flipping lonely when I have challenges like this and don't have folk to lean on/cry with. The co-housing at the weekend was so appealing. Once the kids have left home I will be sorely tempted. The other challenges of the day like the broken eggs I'd cheerfully taken in my stride. But then a tipping point comes and that's then that. The dog isn't being very patient now. Grrrr.

FLARE

My town's a great place to live, and particularly interesting at the moment. There's beautiful carpets of crocuses in several places, and there has been filming on location in a house on my street this week for this:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3430548/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1
There are signs everywhere saying "FLARE" My guess is it stands for Film Location Access Route E.... (can't think what the E might be). I'm awaiting an answer from my filming buddy.

I pprobably shouldn't have stayed up so late last night. I read all of the second half of the book so that I could get it over with and not have to pick it up again. I wept buckets. On a positive note it means I have identified where I need to keep working on what is clearly a deep and terrifying fear.

Today I have a long day of training. It looks like really interesting rather than boring training about family relationships, tho I can see there's the potential for me to feel rubbish about those times I've failed with my own kids. At the weekend I was free and indeed encouraged to cry or yawn or whatever I needed to do to let my feelings out as I listened to the information. I imagine that won't be the case today. and of course i've done tons of training on relationship stuff so am needing to go in with an open mind.

one consequence is that there's no time for any pre or post work catch ups - that's usually my time to put washing out, walk the dog, check facebook, llittle connections, that kind of thing - the important things that keep life and me ticking over. But not today, as not only am I leaving early, I'll be getting back much later than usual and then rapidly heading out to do a gig with choir. singing also helps me keep life ticking over as it should so not too bad really :)

I hope you too today have new Experiences to stretch you, yet time for those little important bits that make up life in all its fulness
B-)

spilling the beads

My current book group book, "Afterwards" by Rosamund Lupton is unbearably sad. I'm regretting starting it - I want to finish it now as I would like to find out what happens. But it is insisting I connect with the character's fears and losses when I already had plenty to be feeling and exploring without a novel's help. I guess it's all my unresolved stuff that can only be improved by looking at it - everything is an opportunity :)

Several weeks ago when sorting out the arty crafty cupboard, I collected some items that may be of interest for the girls next door. Inexplicably I've not taken it round to them yet, so it's waiting by the front door for that next step to be taken. Amongst the items is a tub of a few thousand tiny beads, Last night was not the first time it got kicked over.

As always, I wonder if there is any connection between these things - I do feel that I'm not a particularly bounded person, I frequently let my inner kaleidescope of stuff spill out - in safe spaces at appropriate times :) I think that in doing that I'm then able to keep in with folk when things get tricky as I'm able to look at what's going on for me rather than blame them. Partly this is great for me as it means I get to keep ace people in my life rather than lose them. But it's bigger than just me, I'd suggest it's not just personal it's political. I think we can often get divided off one from another when we just don't have to be, and the looking at my stuff is also an affront to racism, homophobia, classism etc. And of course I've not always succeeded in staying close to folk, I don't want you thinking I've got it all sussed when I haven't!!

Much love to you today in your endeavours to live the meaningful life you wish to lead, in whatever shapes and forms that takes :)

deep deep love

A question for me right now is, if this is the kind of world I want to live in, how can I best bring that about? It is so brilliant to have deep connection with others that has nothing to do with sex or wanting someone for yourself alone, and has everything to do with being free to be fully ourselves with one another without fear.

Think for a moment about the deepest relationships you have. The people you can be fully you with, those you share your scariest fears and ugliest doubts and they still love you and cherish you. Those who delight in you and show how they love to be with you, who are totally convinced that you make their world a better place, and that the world simply is a better place for you being in it. Those who believe in you, who want for you to be even more able to shine. And those for whom this is what yo do for them. Now imagine that you could have that with everyone you meet. For some that might be an awful prospect, but for me it's heaven.

The idea that more of us could have that really appeals. Maybe my next step is to think about becoming a teacher of this kind of counselling, so that more people have access to it? I shall keep thinking on it :)