having the time of our lives

I was struck yesterday by the lyric "are we having the time of our lives?"
Are you?
If not, what do you think it is that is stopping you from having the time of your life? This really is it, we're not going to get a second chance at it, so I'm determined to have the time of my life. Even when it's not what I thought it would be, or maybe what I'd like it to be in places. Yes we need to grieve our losses and not be bullied into feeling anything other than we're feeling. But we can be encouraged to see the best in what is, rather than pine after what isn't. A friend with terminal cancer recently described himself as "the luckiest man alive" - he is an inspiration for finding gratitude.

When I'm secure in myself, I love how playful I can be with people rather than take it all personally. It is at those moments I'm having the time of my life, being with those I love and not letting their stuff hook into mine.

I'm struggling to do up my jeans at the moment. Maybe I'm going to have to cut back on the icecream. But I like icecream. Maybe instead I'll pop into the charity shop for some new jeans? Today's hopefully a bit less full-on than my days of late, so popping into the charity shops in a possibility, tho not a priority.

Hope whatever your day holds you are having the time of your life :D

Chinese takeaway

Continuing the spirit of trying new stuff whilst my kids are away, last night I had my first ever Chinese takeaway. I realise that might sound odd as a 40 year old Westerner, but it's true!
At some point in my youth I went to a Chinese restaurant and din't at all like the meal I had - too oily and fishy tasting. I made the same mistake last night and had a bite of prawn cracker, which really made my mouth cringe. I like Quavers so it's not the texture, it's the fish taste and I have never liked fish. Anyway, undeterred I continued with the vegetarian banquet we'd ordered and really really liked a honey tasting cashew nut dish. So, it will not be my last :)
I realise I've never ordered a takeaway at all to this house (we collected it ourselves last night) and given how often in movies takeout pizza appears, it's something my children have never experienced in real life - seems a bit daft when you can throw a pizza in the oven and it be done before you've even phoned up for one. When they're back i'll introduce them to a chinese dish and we'll see how we get on.

It doesn't feel much like wednesday today. I think partly cos I'm having such an unusual week, but partly cos I know I'm going tonight to my Friday night choir rather than my wednesday one! But first, work.

tin foil hat

My boyfriend and boat living friend tried their best to explain it to me, but my head still can't quite get around the fact that EVERYTHING that is on the internet is floating around in the air all at the same time. That's every you tube video, every email, every page of info. All in the air, at the same time. When I think how much data is needed just to reproduce a single picture, I can't understand how it is possible to have everything out there in the same piece of air all at once. It's just unimaginable to me, more than my brain can compute.

So seeing as my mind is already blown, it was timely to watch this today about just how big the universe is:
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=701885149860397&set=vb.132091450173106&type=2&theater

Meanwhile it was ace to spend a morning with a one year old. They're great at wonder, aren't they. We as adults don't tend to get excited by pigeons, so it was inspirational to watch her run excitedly towards one.

My boyfriend is off work again today and so my day looks a bit packed, cos as soon as I return from my day at work that's almost when his day begins and we're then going to do all kinds of things like take a desk to his flat and more visiting. Better get started!

Hope you find much to marvel at today :D

playgrounds

I've filled every minute of today with fun plans (around work) so no time to blog!!!!
Taking curry to my friend to see his temporary new home on a boat later, and off to the playground now with another friend and her granddaughter. I've done more playgrounds these last few days without my kids than I've done with my own kids this last whole year!!

One fun moment of the day so far was politely refusing a door to door window salesman and him accepting the lolly I offered. I have a bag of lollies by my front door to sweeten my rejection of door to door sales folk :D

d&d, rpg and oomd

I was out of my depth last night. I'd been invited to a board games evening and in my mind there would be games a bit like Monopoly. I was a bit apprehensive then when I discovered the games were of the role playing variety, something I've never done before. I'm all up for trying new things tho, and even if I never fully grasped all the subtleties, I had fun which was my primary objective, and someone else won, which was theirs, so all was well!!
I'd spent the afternoon hanging out with another friend in the sunshine, so it turned out to be a more sociable day than anticipated, which is always good by me :D
This morning is also out of my comfort zone as I'm doing the technology at church but in a different way. Someone's offered to sit with me for moral support tho and that can make all the difference can't it.

If you're doing anything new today I hope you can feel the presence of loved ones right by your side cheering you on and wanting the best for you, cos you're not on your own, you never are :D

forgiven?

The dog sleeps in my bed with me at night and it's a redeeming feature of what can often feel a tricky set up. I love his soft ears and reassuring presence. So it's been tough not having him to cuddle up to of late. I don't know if it's the heat, or if he was blaming me for his hurt paw, or needed to retreat because of the pain, but for two nights I missed him, particularly as there has been no-one else in the house. Last night he joined me again and I'm glad and feel forgiven.
I was chatting with a friend about blame. He speculated that dogs don't understand where the pain has come from so blame the nearest person. I said that people sometimes do that too. Hurting is horrible and we're often keen to be able to blame someone else for how we're feeling. Insurance companies and lawyers make a ton of money out of that process, and family arguments are plentiful as we seek to share out the hurt.
And it's really hard not to get sucked into that process. I know I'm not alone in detesting being criticised, so everytime it happens I get hurt and struggle. It happened recently, an email telling me to do something differently so it would work better and I was immediately in that place of "fine, if they don't like the way I do it I'm not going to do it again, they can find some other willing person who can do it, don't they understand how my life is and that I'm doing my best etc etc." (I got over it in a moment or two, and could see the validity of their criticism, but it was interesting to note my reaction). I see it happen when I comment on others too, and they feel it as a rejection of who they are, and up go the defence walls.
I don't know how to do it differently. How do we get to be in relationship with others and share how something impacts on us without implying that the other person is anything less than wonderful - which they are? I guess I just get to focus on my own reactions cos I can't control theirs. So when I am criticised, I get to notice what comes up for me - hurrah,  I've identified where I still need to work on my hurts. And when I interact with others who are hurt by my criticisms, I again get to notice what comes up for me - oh no, I hate hurting others, and I know how awful it is to feel like we're not accepted just the way we are. And then remember in both cases, that we're all doing our best and that's enough.

Today has a gaping stretch of time on my own before going out this evening, so I'll be writing a list of stuff to do, cos there always is stuff to do. Hope you enjoy yours.

refusing to be enemies

I've had my head in the sand about the recent atrocities in the middle east. I don't understand the fighting and I just want it to end. It was good then to be reminded that there are people who are refusing to play war's game of drawing up sides and dividing people one from another.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/rossalynwarren/jewish-and-arab-people-are-posing-together-in-inspiring-phot?s=mobile

We are persuaded on a daily basis to be divided from other human beings. To compete, to judge, to look down on, to disregard. When we get hurt the temptation is to dismiss or dislike. That's not how I want to live. And so I too refuse to take enemies - those who don't like me, those I offend, those I make mistakes around. I know there are people who don't like me and there's little I can do about how they feel - that's up to them. It takes 2 to be enemies and what I do have control over is how I react. Again and again I will choose love, inspired by others I see choosing to focus on life and on hope, with generosity and gratitude spilling from their eyes.
I believe we all can choose - I refuse to be your enemy, I also refuse to condone war, and I will keep on encouraging you to look for humanity everywhere.
Big love xx

grateful

There were definitely stressy moments to yesterday. But I ended the day feeling very grateful. I've heard lots this week about people stuck in hot cars on motorways following fatalaties. When you've not long since passed that way yourself, gratitude flows freely.
There's much to look forward to today. I'm singing at a Civil Partnership this afternoon, then singing with friends in the evening. At the former we're doing a reworked version of one of my favourite songs, "you are a blessing". At the latter we're practising for a wedding. There's a lot of love in the air!!!

tropical

I'm not a fan of hot weather but I have to say I enjoyed yesterday. A dip in the pool, the breeze in the evening whilst it was still hot giving a tropical feel to the place. Another icecream (I've had several this week). Dancing barefoot and far too energetically in a hot room full of choir bods, and really feeling the line "and live rejoicing every day."

Today might be harder. I hate saying goodbye to the kids and this time for the first time they are going abroad without me. It feels simply wrong that they should be in a different country. Anyhow, to take my mind off that I need to try and fit in a vets trip before leaving for work in Lancaster this morning at 9am. I'm hoping they'll be able to give me an appointment and I'm hoping it goes smoothly. My body hasn't kindly let me postpone facing the day so I'm wide awake far too early with a very sorry for himself dog. Is it too early for more icecream???

Dog still drowsy from sedation to remove his damaged claw. Kids wanting to do their own things without me in the room. The pistachio icecream is lovely but there's only so much I can eat...

where the wild things are

I can't quite picture 15 extra ppeople wanting to use the pool/trampoline/shower. I guess later I'll have a much clearer image. Today seems even more full than usual (how is such a thing possible?) with a pre school doctor appointment and then trying to squeeze work in before the schools break up early. Then there's the chaos before dashing to singing tonight. So here is a joyful reminder for me of how beautiful flowers can grow and just be. There is a "wild" border that has sprung up (I know these things don't just happen, and I don't know who to thank for making it so) around the edge of the field where I throw balls for the dog most days and I'm delighted by their recent arrival.
...
28 degrees centigrade. Great day for a pool party :D Can you hear the screaming, and 'barbie girl' from where you are?!

paddling pool

Just in case anyone was envious of my splashing around in a pool on a lovely sunny day whilst everyone else was working, I thought I'd share a pic of my working conditions. After much heaving water over the side, I'd managed to clear a bit (see the gap between the surface and one of the "tide marks"? Then I remembered about siphoning, and so did that disgusting thing of sucking on the hosepipe til the water comes running. Only after several mouthfuls of pool water (yes, I do know how sick that's likely to make me, I used mouthwash immediately after) and no joy, I searched t'interweb and have found an easy way of siphoning that does not require putting my mush round the end of the tube - hurrah! This is a very useful skill I'm grateful to have learned that basically involves turning the hosepipe on til the air bubbles have finished coming out of the end that is in the pool. Then simply disconnect from the tap and place the end in the drain and watch it flow away. (I've written that there so when I come to do this again in a few weeks I have made a note in case my memory fails. Go me!).
On the positive side, there were no creatures in it this time, so I paddled barefoot to do the cleaning, and it was possible to get a sense of enjoyment, if you overlook that whiff of fish like you get at the seaside sometimes. And by the time it was beginning to get dark I'd certainly had enough.
I'm very grateful that my boyfriend came over with his daughter to take me out for icecream. I need reminding that on a day off it's possible to do fun stuff and not just scrubbing.

It's now shiny once more (tho not as shiny as the new Dyson) and being refilled - will be turning the tap off again in a few mins so I can head back to work, but I will try and hold onto the feeling of the water squishing between my toes.

...

What a difference a day makes! I'm tempted to go in myself - how inviting on a hot day :D But my throat is very sore - maybe something in yesterday's water? So not sure an icy dip makes sense... But I'm very gratified by the before and after shots. My hands are barely functioning today tho from all the wringing out they performed yesterday!!

geranium

I've never really seen a geranium grow before. Well, I must have, but I have never really observed it. Because I've never given it any thought, I assumed the flower grew as one flowerhead somehow. I guess it's not something I'd ever given much careful consideration to. My girly was given one and has been growing it and it surprised me to see the little blossoms unfurl separately, not becoming recognisable (to me) as a geranium until they all are out. They are not a particularly favoured flower of mine, but it's been interesting seeing it develop.
Choose your own metaphor if you like, but it is speaking to me about how we're made up of little wonderful parts that together create the magnificent whole, and that we don't form overnight but take a while to grow, bit by bit, and don't always get to see ourselves in our full beauty.
Yesterday was a really rubbish day and today is going to be a challenge too, to hold on to my loveliness. I think I hate the run up to the kids going away more than I hate the time apart itself. The essential oil geranium is supposed to be uplifiting. I'm off to help run a group in 10 mins but might just have a quick rummage in my bathroom cabinet see if I have any left.

... I do have some, it's doing its job. Paid work mainly done for the day now - can do lots more of that when kids aren't here. So now off to buy a hoover (and it's won't be, I'm aiming for a Dyson again) as having made do with my broken one for maybe 4 years it's finally broken terminally. Then back and I have some stinky water to throw over the side of a pool. Good job it's not really hot and sunny for such back breaking work. Oh...

not flowing freely

We don't often get a heatwave and how ironic that just when I might get into the pool to cool off I've decided to drain it as it's unswimmable. My girly has invited half the school over for a pool party when school finishes on wednesday and we have much to do to make the house and garden acceptable. I woke in anticipation of scrubbing out the green that is coating the inside of the pool to find that it barely drained at all overnight. Now I've located and removed the blockage hopefully progress will be made, but maybe not in time to do that bit of cleaning today.

I know these are such middle class concerns. And that makes it even worse when I feel overwhelmed by them. I'm going to go to church and hopefully that can clear the blockage in my peace pipe...

breathe and love

my plans for the weekend keep changing over and over. it's a good job I'm flexible. right now i think i'm about to head off with my girly to buy lots of things for her various escapades next week. i am very tired, that end of term feeling maybe, or the result of too much goings on this week. some down time is definitely longed for and i hope my evening plans don't change as i'm looking forward to some r and r.
my new kettle is broken, so added to the list of things i ought to get round to replacing, along with the hoover. i've finally added lightbulbs to the shopping list so hopefully i shall make progress with that. in the grand scheme of things these are only little frustrations tho.
all I actually need to do is breathe and love. Breathe and love.

with jam in

I was so grumpy last night, I was even shouty in my dreams :(
A more interesting dream earlier in the week was me spending £178 on chocolate brownies for work. In reality, our monthly meeting this morning has come around quickly and our provider of cake is on maternity leave. Do I run to the shop now, or just take a packet of biscuits I have in and hope the chocolate doesn't melt  in my car after with any that are left over (it's a big packet). I have to buy some small cakes for my boy to take on cub camp so I guess a quick pre-meeting dash to the shop is on the cards.

Yesterday it felt really hard to find three positive things to be grateful for. And it's precisely those days that it's important to do that re-focussing, so I did find them. Apparently the facebook thing is only 5 days so today's my last. It's so useful tho, I'll try and keep u the practice. Or I could return to filling my gratitude jar, which is the same kind of thing, and ground to a halt some months back.

So today looks like it will involve lots of hurrying as I try to cram in more than maybe makes sense. But it means there will be cake and friends and singing and helping mums and these are exactly the things I want to cram into my life.

Hope today is for you filled with all you love :)

glorification of busy

I saw a great quote the other day about stopping the glorification of busy. I agree we can make ourselves busy so we feel important, and often, to avoid stopping and feeling, or getting in touch with our internal stuff. I definitely feel over busy at the moment. I'm weary from trying to organise how best to be in several places at the same time.
Last night's fab musical went on longer than I anticipated so I was very glad I'd arranged not to give anyone a lift to book group. By the time I got there, the talking about the book was done with and they were on to other topics, and just about to start a marvellous meringue. Going to both those meant missing the choir rehearsal, the one where I imagine everyone discussed how wonderful we were at our international competition performance. I could be in a similar situation tomorrow evening, when having dropped off my boy at cub camp and my girly at her Dads, I'd like to get to my other choir to be part of the back patting following our ace wedding gig. Only I'm also supposed to be at my work do, so am going to end up being very late to that.
After considerable effort, I have hopefully worked out a replacement me for next week so I can go on some training, but it's all getting a bit tiring. Or maybe that's cos I burned the midnight oil to finish my book - after the event but still in time to return it to the library this morning. I don't feel there were any new gems in the last 100 pages so that's a bit disappointing, tho it means I don't feel annoyed with myself for not finishing it.

This is just what it's like at the moment - I've been asked to do the technology in church next week. I'm already supposed to be leading Sunday School. And I'm down as the reader. I can't be in three places at once. At least I feel wanted!!

The kids will have gone in a week and that will mean less trying to do lots at once. Meanwhile I think this is a great piece and reminder of how we can find it hard to do less:
http://deepeningfriendship.loyolapress.com/2014/07/16/three-reasons-its-hard-to-be-still/#sthash.Tba9BGtT.JIec5ZyS.dpbs

liberated from our usual character positions

As those of you who also follow my life on fb will already know, this week I'm doing that thing whereby each day you list 3 positive things about the day. I'm loving it (natch) as it helps keep me looking out for the good things, eyes peeled ready to spot will this make it to the top 3 today. For those who don't follow me, selected highlights from yesterday was the impromptu fondue I had for lunch in my car. It was so hot that my big wedge of brie melted into a pool. No cutlery, just crackers and very messy fingers, it was ace.
I also had a fab time on the cub family cycle ride. It was the second annual one and it was the one a year ago that kickstarted my interest in getting back on my bike. Technically last night I didn't get on my bike as I'm not yet skilled in puncture repair. But I do have a kind boyfriend who uses my garage for storage and was happy for me to use his mountain bike (it was great. Again it reminds me how easy cycling can be. I must get back into it again!!). My particular highlight tho was deciding that I could relinquish my ever present role of Responsible Adult. Tons of cub leaders were accompanying all the hi-vis clad cyclists. And so I grabbed my opportunity to let someone else be in charge and I went out without my phone, my usual supply of emergency snacks/plasters/pain killers/tissues, and just went. Hurrah!!
I'm already on the lookout for today's joys. My boy is in his school musical tonight so proud mum moment there, but the other two are yet to be noticed. Hope you have plenty of wonder filled moments to choose from too!

unexpected peas

Apparently very predictable, whenever the word barley is mentioned, I start to sing a song "oats and beans and barley grow" that I recall from some distant past. I thought I'd check out the rest of it on the internet and am horrified to learn that actually it's oats, peas, beans and barley grow and I wasn't even singing the right tune. Some things are perhaps best left alone and not delved into!!

In slightly more relevant news, women in the Anglican church can now become bishops. Well, some women. This news feels a bit distant to me, when once it would have been massively significant. I have friends who are Anglican clergy and am pleased for them, and pleased that another piece of sexism is slowly shifting, but it all feels a bit removed from me somehow.

Meanwhile I had a marvellous time with my friend yesterday. She has a bowl of angel cards by their front door, a lovely idea, and I picked strength, which seems a bit boring, if true!!!

As you can perhaps tell from today's disjointed blog, I'm feeling, well, disjointed. Not sure what's up, got to head to work anyway, where it's likely to be busy as I was off on Friday. There's a cub family cycle ride tonight I'm looking forward to, then a work meeting after that, and I still have over a hundred pages of my book to read at some point - perhaps that's it, having read so much last night I'm still half inhabiting that world? Or maybe we all just need a big hug? Hopefully I'll find a willing recipient today ;)

we need disappointment

I'm exactly half way through my book group book that I've been reading these last 3 weeks, and have just two nights more before I have to give it back - it's not looking likely I'll make it, is it? Which is a shame as there are more nuggets of wisdom -last night I found helpful a discussion on disappointment, which is generally considered a bad thing. Yet the focus of the novel suggests, without disappointment, how would we discover what we expected and hoped for? Certainly I've occasionally used disappointment as a guide to what I really want - when trying to chose between two things, get someone else to tell you which one you should do and then gauge from your reaction if you're disappointed and if so you can then choose the other. Tempting as it might sound, imagine a life without disappointment - "how would it be to lead a life that banished every long, bold expectation, a life where there were only banal expectations like 'the bus is coming?'" (Night Train to Lisbon, Pascal Mercier, p224)

Today I might get chance to look more at where I'm still struggling with disappointments - am going to see my wise friend's new home - I say new but she's been there a little while now. We shall lunch and put the world to rights, or maybe just enjoy being together :D

you cannot mime the bongos

I like singing. I find it tricky to sing whilst playing the bongos. I told a friend I was about to go and play and how nervous I was and she suggested I mime. When you're the only person playing an instrument, miming isn't an option. I think what I dislike is the thought that people think I've put myself forward to do it and so must feel I'm good at it, when I don't feel I'm good at it. I guess it's that fear of being judged and found wanting, again. And the belief that there must be plenty of others in the room who could do it so much better. That can really stop us in our tracks, can't it, when actually, if we are the one who has put ourselves forward, then at that moment, we are the right one to be doing it.

At a party last night, one woman told me how she the main thing she'd remembered from the previous year's party was us singing Sloop John B together. People enjoy when we make an effort to come together, and certainly at the wedding, so many people were appreciative of our efforts.

I still find weddings incredibly difficult and wonder why I put myself through the agony. I'm still upset today by it, so still have plenty of healing to be done there! But the cake after was fab. I'm happy to sing at weddings for quality cake.

My miming suggestion friend is coming over this afternoon so I need to spend today trying to make the house and garden less hazardous to children...

then I think of you and the world's alright with me

We had a fabulous day at the Eisteddfod. We didn't win but it was fun, and the weather was amazing all day. Here's our full performance if you'd like to watch it :)

http://llangollen.tv/en/clip/a5-1/

Today there is more singing and I'd better get practising as it's a different set of songs, plus bongos, for a wedding. I think it's going to be a lovely day :D

Find ten minutes soon to watch this and reflect on all we have we can feel grateful for :D
http://www.upworthy.com/clear-your-next-10-minutes-because-this-video-could-change-how-happy-you-are-with-your-entire-week?c=ufb3

adventuring forth

Remember that question about what will you do with your one wild and precious life? Today I shall be mostly sitting on a coach in order to go and sing for 11 minutes in front of lots and lots of people. (it will be on tele, so that is lots). I am absolutely terrified in case I am the one person who lets everybody down by singing in the wrong place. I am also thrilled that this sort of adventure is part of my life.
I first contemplated joining the choir not long after my husband had left. I sobbed and danced through various songs and made an important decision - the waiting list was reckoned to be two years long and I couldn't picture what I would be doing the next week, let alone in 2 years. But I reasoned that if my name wasn't on the list I would never move any nearer to being part of it.
Openings came up much sooner than 2 years and I made another decision, that it's fine to pay a babysitter each week to enable me to have this time of joy.
Stepping into the unknown is scary. It's brilliant to know I have lovely people cheering me on in the adventures. And even more brilliant that they are also there with faith in me for when we come back from our adventures - to either celebrate or love us up if the adventures don't go to plan.

If there are things you are wanting to do with your life, here's a gentle shove from me - go try it. I'm cheering for you B-)
...
Phew, I didn't get anything wrong and it was lots of fun!!

rewarding perfection

I was incandesently angry yesterday. I raged in my head and got some thoughts down on paper which helped. The thing about anger is that if it's directed at people, it's not usually helpful to then share that, and so whilst it was useful to write about it to order my thoughts and get clarity about why I was so cross, the internet is no place for it. It definitely helped me reframe the situation tho, so I do recommend writing, or talking to a good listener, as a way of dealing with our fury. This week I have managed to reframe my anxieties so have shifted from a foolish victim to a genius healer; and also from someone with sour grapes to someone of great wisdom. I love how reflection can help us see ourselves in such a better light and I'm grateful to those who sit with me - literally, and in my head as they've told me so many times before of my loveliness that I can hear it anyway :)
I am pleased to say that I'm now looking forward to tomorrow. I was worried about getting it wrong. I still am, but I'm hoping that won't spoil my enjoyment of the day. My favourite potential t-shirt slogan of the week is "MAKE MISTEAKS" but they are not encouraged at an international competition. After a long time of trying to attain perfection, I'm glad to be in a place of now preferring to gain wisdom by making and learning from mistakes, so it's a shame to have the pressure of getting everything exactly right.
I have to leave at 9 am and won't be back til well over 12 hours later. So a whole day of fun with people who know how to sing and bring joy to people - should be good! But first there is today - I've had a lie in and I'm going down with a cold so plenty of fluids for me whilst I work...

the life we imagine

This month's book group book started so promisingly, I enjoyed the metaphors of the guy getting new glasses and suddenly the river becomes a textured flowing river not just a flat brown surface. This man had impulsively left his old job, city, life - all that he had done for years - and was trying to find out more about another person and was really feeling things as if for the first time.
The book is too intellectual for my liking and I'm struggling with it and wondering if it's worth the effort of carrying on. Should I just stop now and go back to the joy of my Dragon series?
But then I come across quotes like this and it encourages me to keep on:
"life is not what we live, it's what we imagine we are living"
I think this is true - it is how we perceive what happens to us that matters, not what actually occurs. I could have a similar experience to someone else and we both could react very differently to it.
Yesterday had lots of good things in it and I was feeling pleased with how I was imagining my life. There were times I could have given a piece of my mind and instead I gave a piece of my heart. But by evening I got overwhelmed by the crappy things coming in. Yes we have the power to reconfigure how we see our situations, but that's not always easy! I shall try and be especially kind to myself today whilst I'm feeling vulnerable. And
I'll carry on with the book for now - I'm one for trying to see the best in everything, and nothing turns out to be a waste of time unless we choose to see it that way.

special kind of heroes

The question that we won with at the family Mr and Mrs quiz at Christmas, was 'if you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?' Now, I've always fancied Iceland so I did contemplate that, but when it comes down to it, the place I'd most like to go is the place I already go to several times a year - Dufton, where my parents live. I was pleased my boyfriend knows this about me, that whilst I'm not lacking in hopes and dreams, I actually don't have a bucket list of places to visit before I die, I'm content with the wonders I've already experienced and anything extra to come is a bonus.
And so it may not surprise you that my answer is similar to another wishlist question I was recently asked. If I could invite any 3 people living or dead to a meal who would they be? Any!! And so I got deliberating - it would be interesting to learn more about how Rosa Parkes felt after her actions. But do you know, at school I was once asked to write an essay on a hero of mine and whilst others picked popstars and footballers, I wrote about my auntie battling breast cancer. I have never been one for fame and conventional greatness and so the people I most want to learn more about and spend time with are, you guessed it, those I already love. And so last night I took two of my favourite people out for pizza with a whole list of reasons for celebrating, such as good school reports. But actually for me it's cos they are the people I most want to dine with. Even tho I dine with them most days. And even tho they read minecraft books for most of the meal. Most meals we all fall out over something but they're still who I choose. I know this might not be the point of the question, maybe I lack imagination, but it helped me realize how grateful I am to get to spend time with those I love, so it was a helpful question. Anything that helps me appreciate what I have is good - it's easy to get into that space of bemoaning having to cook yet another meal for picky punters, instead of noticing how lucky I am to eat with my favourite people.

And that third place? I have a humorous image of all of my friends piled on top of one another balanced on the one chair. All those people already in my life whom I love dearly and wish I could eat with daily. So pull up a chair and crack open the hummous, there's going to be a feast and you're definitely invited. As long as you don't mind other people's knees ;-)

every moment

This week is just the sort of week it would be useful to have plenty of time at home. I have MP3s of the songs we're singing at the Eistedfodd that I'd like to listen to over and over. My kids are potentially off for strike action on thursday and there's an INSET day today I never knew about. And my boyfriend is off work and I've not had chance to see him.
However, today I actually have an additional workshop and a group so am in even less than usual, and the rest of the week is not looking any more restful.
Bother.

It feels like I'm just not spending enough time with those I love. I'm not going to the rehearsal tonight so I can be with my family. Other than that I guess I just have to make the most of what time I do have...
.....

So, turns out I didn't have the right time for my morning activity. I'm trying not to see it as a waste of my time but instead be grateful that I could turn around and come straight back for an unexpected hour at home - lunch with my girly, if you can count eating at 10.30 as lunch??

two worlds collided

There's an INXS song that played in my head yesterday that reminds me of a boy I met for a few days as a teen - a holiday romance. He later sent me a tape with the song on, and I've always liked the concept that two worlds collide and can never be torn apart. It may sadden you to learn that I can't remember the lad's name, and wouldn't be able to pick him out in a crowd, but I don't think that is critical, because it doesn't change the fact that our worlds did collide and I was forever changed by meeting him. I think this happens all the time. My world collides with many others every day. Some of those encounters are majorly life changing - I have significant people in my life that have shaped me immeasurably. Some impacts are more imperceptible, but still matter. The woman I exchanged a smile with the other day - I wouldn't recognise her today, but for that briefest of moments we raised each others spirits.

I had a lovely evening with my overnight guest, she picked a perfect film - the freedom writers.

Today has more singing, and who knows what else, but the phrase that is currently speaking to me is that when we want to give someone a piece of our mind it's better to give them a piece of our hearts.
xx

performing/participating

Somehow I seem to have shifted from thumping a hymn book to beat out a rhythm in rehearsals, to now officially playing the bongos for 3 songs at a wedding. In front of proper guests. I'm really really nervous about it, which is a bad thing, cos as soon as I start thinking about what I'm doing I seem to lose the beat completely. It could sound really terrible and totally ruin all 3 songs. It is however entirely possible I won't be available anyway, in which case someone else will get the responsibility.
I'm just about to go and sing at a nearby festival. What's interesting is I don't see myself as a performer and yet that is what I'm doing a lot of this coming week. I do enjoy doing gigs, it's great to see people in the audience enthusiastically joining in, spirits being lifted by what we're singing. But I'm definitely not a performer, I'm a participant. I like it when we're all in it together, singing to share joy rather than with an aim of impressing people "out there".
Whatever aspects of life you're participating in today, I hope you find love and joy :D

I don't

I was asked recently how I found time to blog (so eloquently!) every day. Today's a day I don't.
This morning so far, I've had to locate and retrieve an escapee hamster, and contact the company I dealt with yesterday to undo the one thing I felt proud for having achieved yesterday!!
Here's hoping the day improves...

Hmm, I wonder if I can bill my solicitor for my walk in the rain to their office to pay my bill, wherupon I discovered the office has been closed down. I could charge £132 for 30 mins and the bills would then cancel each other out...

clapping too loudly

Yesterday evening I was shown how to do a more muted clap by just using part of my hand. Despite following instructions, once I got into the song, the person next to me felt I was still clapping too loudly. I suspect I'm not a quiet clap kind of person - I'm a whole-hearted full-on enthusiastically cheering people on kind of person. I try to do what I'm told but I don't really like half-heartedness. I guess really it's to do with control rather than getting carried away. Bah.
One element of my dream last night involved being on a group boat trip. The boat was just a shell and was navigating lots of locks - but nothing resembling actual locks, these had massive drops where the boat was just dropped and we jumped down into the water alongside it. I was tasked with carrying a fluffy cat. When I woke up, what amazed me was how easy that was - a real life cat would have scratched and hated every second, not remained placidly cuddled in my arms. I'm taking it as a sign that these challenges I feel I'm carrying are maybe way easier than I suspect.
Hope all your travails today are as soft, and that the clapping you hear in your ears is almost deafening ;)

here today, gone today

Rubbishy evening and my headache still hasn't fully cleared this morning.
My boyfriend has offered to upgrade the spare computer so the kids can use that instead of mine. I don't know how long that will take but I'm looking forward to a day when I can use my computer whenever I want :) When reflecting on 3 things I'm grateful for (one should always be that I'm grateful for the person who suggested this as a strategy to counter crappiness) I included the technology that means I can stay in touch easily with loved ones. I was recently discussing snapchat, and am glad I'm not a young person today - that kind of technology doesn't appeal at all. Whatever is posted has gone a few seconds later. I like being able to go back to what I've both written and received - to check again for tone, to re-read, to be grateful :)
Here's hoping today's not so difficult!

holding back

Last week in choir we were asked to close our eyes so we could better focus on blending with the other voices around us. It was good. It reminded me how recently when I started to smell an odd and worrying fume-like smell in the car whilst driving, I turned off the radio to concentrate on it more easily. Narrowing in on one sense sharpens it. I have been thinking about listening, and how the temptation is to speak, how incredibly hard it is to only use our ears and not our voices. I'm sure I'll have shared before that wonderful saying that many of us listen in order to reply, rather than to understand. Listening is a skill I can be pretty good at, yet still I often have the urge to share my thoughts rather than let the attention be completely on the speaker. Sometimes that's because of wanting to convey to the speaker that they are not on their own, that I'm there with them whilst they share - but is that still my stuff? I recall being told that we could counsel with a brick wall - it is the space we need rather than necessarily the other person. Other people can be massively useful when we're stuck. they can prod us in helpful directions, they can encourage us to see things from different perspectives, they can keep at us to find our courage to proclaim loudly the truth we know in our hearts. But I believe we can do that for ourselves too when needed.
So today I shall be on the lookout for times when I can keep my mouth shut more and really hear what others are trying to convey, before I wade in with my perceived wisdom :)

....
turns out keeping schtum is much harder than I thought :(
Still, I guess noticing where I feel tempted talk rather than stay listening is a start...