co-operative cores

I'm lucky to know a diversity of people and get to hear a good range of viewpoints. I've noticed that some people think we're fundamentally selfish at core. Capitalism clearly encourages that viewpoint, the idea of competition, being in it for ourselves, divide and rule. I am really pleased to know a lot of people who counter this culture. I'm delighted to be part of a counselling community that sees us as social, co-operative beings. I've been on the receiving end of delicious Unconditional Positive Regard that trusts that in helping me to work out what's right for me, that the "rightness" would never be at the expense of others. That actually, it's when I feel secure in myself that I will do what's right for the other human beings around me as well as myself, as those two things will not be at odds.  I'd contend that it's only when we act out of our hurt and confusion that we become selfish - the fear wins and we go into protection mode, or default to old ways of survival that aren't necessarily in our best or other's best interests. I believe no-one knows us, and knows what's right for us, better than ourselves - but our hurts can fog our thinking and so sometimes we need a hand to help free us up from our confusion. We don't need someone to tell us what to do, we need space to heal and work through our own decision making process.

The times when a good counsellor gives me space to work out what's right for me, that's when I'm most effective - at being me, and at being a happily co-existing human who is then in my power to fully participate in community building, challenge injustice, and to love others.

Doing what is right for us may not always be the most enjoyable thing - it certainly isn't usually a hedonistic thing! And doing the right thing can sometimes bring grief rather than pleasure. Today I received an abusive reaction from the driver behind who was not happy that I was keeping to the speed limit. I was temporarily annoyed and then wondered if they were trying to get to the hospital in a hurry or something that I have no awareness of. I can be so kind :)

People can get confused by doing what is right for them, and think it's simply "pleasing themselves." I realise people perhaps don't spend as much time contemplating the "right thing" as I do ;) If we don't stop to think what is right, we may carry on with old patterns that have served us well but may not still be what's right for us - or others - now. The right thing _for me_ usually involves loving people - loving others as well as myself, as that is ultimately how I want to live my life - that is how I decide what is right. Others may have other concepts of what is right for themselves - it might involve say not giving to charity as they feel what is right for themselves is to spend what they earn on their own family. That wouldn't be right for me, it might feel right for them. Someone who has a cigarette to calm them - wouldn't be my approach but again it's up to them if that's their choice. We are all different and I will respect their choices. It doesn't mean we don't sometimes have dialogue about what's led them to their decisions, and they may be interested in what has led me to mine. Or not!!

new little things

With spectacular timing, I properly started my remortgaging process on Monday, and the rules all changed on Saturday, making it much harder. Ho hum. Tho had I known it was going to change that would have put more pressure on myself and I didn't need that. So let's trust it's all worked out for the best. It usually does.

Yesterday I had a dandelion leaf in my lunch salad. Deliberately. I'd heard it's a bit like rocket, if you eat the little ones when new. I love rocket - I'm less keen on dandelion leaves, but they are free and widely available, and I'm pleased with myself for trying something new.

I've just delighted in watching (on fb) some goats playing on a flexible arc of metal
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10203827328071765
and it's reminded me how important it is for all kids (groan) to play. I'll be actively seeking opportunities to do so today - hope you get tons of fun too!

revs

There were three vicars I was hoping to speak with yesterday but they're a busy bunch. We once tried to come up with a collective noun for a group of chaplains. I think my favourite wad a concern of chaplains. Anyhow, I chatted with my rev friend but still have to make contact with others about the rapidly approaching Christian aid week.
And then in the evening I watched the last rev. Even when talking about it today I have cried - I found it so moving to hear the prayers of some of the other characters. It has impressed upon me the importance of being nice to others as frequently we have no picture of the hurts people are carrying. We might mainly get to notice someone's nastiness and don't usually get insight into their struggles or losses.

I have to say my prayers are often not as coherent as those in the programme. I don't always finish sentences, I jump about, I ramble, but I trust that God makes sense of them so I'm not concerned at all about the state of my prayers.

I'm glad I made time last week to thank the programme writers and makers. I need to work out why thinking of Colin's prayers makes me weep every time. And I need to go and ring a real life rev.

doing what I want :)

I understand that delayed gratification can be a good thing, but it's something I'm working on avoiding :)
I've noticed that I sometimes put off things I'd like to do because there are more sensible options. So, I might want to eat a certain thing, but know that there are other things that need using up sooner, so I have those instead (no bad thing, but shouldn't mean I never eat what I fancy).
Even more bizarrely I do the same with books. I have books I want to read, and books I'm less bothered about, and sometimes I read the latter cos I think well I won't want to keep it after, so if I read that I can then get rid of it and declutter, whereas if I read the one I want I don't actually make any space. How warped is that?
So I'm going to focus more on doing what I want.
And also have been inspired by this lovely poem:

Courtney Walsh

Dear Human

Dear Human: You’ve got it all wrong.
You didn’t come here to master unconditional love.
That is where you came from and where you’ll return.
You came here to learn personal love.
Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love.
Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love.
Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling.
Demonstrated through the beauty of… messing up. Often.
You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are.
You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous.
And then to rise again into remembering.
But unconditional love? Stop telling that story.
Love, in truth, doesn’t need ANY other adjectives.
It doesn’t require modifiers.
It doesn’t require the condition of perfection.
It only asks that you show up. And do your best.
That you stay present and feel fully.
That you shine and fly and laugh and cry
and hurt and heal and fall and get back up
and play and work and live and die as YOU.
It’s enough. It’s Plenty.

More lovely words here: http://soul-lit.com/poems/v4/Walsh/index.html

crammin'

When people have been asking me of late how I'm doing, I've replied with "juggling everything" but I realise that's not quite right. Juggling implies some element of entertainment, fun maybe, even if it requires a lot of concentration/skill/practice on the part of the juggler. The picture it conjours for me involves a painted clown face complete with red nose.
Actually how I feel really is more like someone trying to cram things in - last night I had a small window of time when I wasn't wanted by either offspring so I took a look at today's long list and started work on bits that could be done last night - in order to get ahead of myself today. That's not really how I want to be living.
Since thinking of the more apt expression "cramming", I now can't get the song "jammin" out of my head, and that's MUCH more like how I'd like to be living!! Hanging out with my besties, creating harmonies together, still concentrating but with smiles on our faces and music in our hearts.
For now tho, back to the list...
... Stressy day, perhaps not surprisingly as it has sorting out the remortgage as one of the tasks.  It looks like I found an option, tho it is dependent on me sourcing paperwork that I don't yet have access to. I'm hoping to do some jamming with at least of my children later. Meanwhile I've treated myself with a lemon sponge and custard.

intense

Loved looking at the daisies on my dog walk yesterday - the delicate pink tinges at the edges of the undersides of the petals. Beautiful. Today I need more moments like that.
Yesterday was a full day. One of the songs we're rehearsing I find very intense, and difficult to shift from my head - the nights when it is still rolling round my brain I find it hard to get to sleep. I did so much in the evening - even (sit down so you don't fall over in shock) reading up on remortgaging, the very last of the things on my to do list. Yet still that didn't dislodge the song. I like the song, it just agitates rather than relaxes, so I don't want it there Every Moment Of The Day.

odd slippers

I have two pairs of slippers, one purple and one brown. Somehow, everytime I come to put them on I can only ever find one of each colour. Thankfully they are the slip on type which means left and right are indistinguishable, or else you can guarantee I'd only ever have a pair of lefts. I blame the dog - obviously - who loves my slippers even more than I do (I don't like being cold so appreciate the way slippers insulate my feet from the chill that seeps up from my floors) and he has been known to take one out into the garden with him if I'm not careful. You do know I love him loads for all my protestations - he keeps me warm at night so is worth a million slippers.
Last night had even more friends - and strangers - than I anticipated and I really enjoyed myself (after a stressy start). Today has yet more singing - a whole day rehearsal. And do you know, I'm actually looking forwards to a whole evening on my own - I've started a list of things that it means I might find time to do, and I'm relishing the time to do it. Enjoy people!!
xx

full of friends

Looking forwards to today as I'm likely to see lots of friends :D Early start to get to a cake work meeting with lots of lovelies. Then onto another job with more lovelies, then home for tea with the kids (what to eat? I've cooked so many times already this week) then singing with yet more lovelies. Sounds like a great day!

water water everywhere

One of my favourite childhood books, still on my shelf!

I'm hoping today to fix (again) the pipe in the kitchen that has resulted in big puddles across my kitchen floor and also meant I've not been able to wash clothes or dishes this week. I've been thinking a lot about water this week (as well as electricity - what a fascinating life I lead!)
We had a bill last week that showed that, unsurprisingly, our water usage went up considerably last year (blooming pool). Before I got too worked up tho, it helpfully told me that the average water use in the UK is 150 litres per person and with 3 of us in the house, we're nowhere near using what 2 average people would use, so I was temporarily mollified. Only I was also intrigued, as I know that in any comparison, it depends who you're comparing with.

So, interesting facts obtained from the internet (obvious warning, you can't trust everything you read on t'internet, so I've given you the links too):

They use a little less in Germany, and "The German Federal Environment Agency has calculated that on average only 4 liters of the 130 is used for drinking and cooking and almost 50 liters is used for personal hygiene, such as taking showers and baths."  http://everylittledrop.com.au/how-much-water-does-a-person-need

We could consider our "water footprint" which takes into consideration the amount of water used to produce all the stuff we consume. Vegetarianism fares well compared to beef eating. And it reminds me of the t-shirt worn by my boyfriend the first time we met that states "Save water, drink beer". Knowing that, obviously, beer production uses way more water than drinking plain tap water alone, the humour of this t-shirt was wasted on me, and yet despite this, we still got together :)
http://www.treehugger.com/clean-water/we-use-how-much-water-scary-water-footprints-country-by-country.html

This was more the statistic I was after, that "In many developing countries, water consumption is as low as 20 litres a day for the average person (what we used in Britain in the 19th century)." http://www.uswitch.com/water/how-much-water-use/ Some women in parts of Africa and Asia carry 20kg of water on their heads, and have to walk an average of 3.7 miles to collect it.
http://www.purewaterpeople.co.uk/blog/2014/04/facts-about-water-infographic/
(lots of other watery facts there so if you only check one link, this is a good one!)

And 748 million people don't have access to safe drinking water. How utterly deplorable is that?
http://www.wateraid.org/uk/what-we-do/the-crisis/water

I am going to continue to do what I can to reduce my water consumption (we can't as a planet go on at the increased rate at which we demand it) and appreciate the lovely clear drops that easily fall from the several taps I have ready access to. May you also enjoy the water today :D

use it wisely

I'm the sort of person who is very stingy careful with resources. We don't have our wifi on overnight or else we'd have to power all those flashing blue lights. If I'm buying a product (and let's face its that's not very often) I check that it doesn't have any unecessary use of electricity like a digital clock on it, and consider it's efficiency rating, the amount of packaging it comes with, etc etc etc.
So imagine my horror the other day when I discovered that the kettle somehow malfunctioned and was running its element for the whole night. Instead of clicking off when replaced on its base having done its usual two minutes intense heating job, it remained boiling water (til that ran dry) for a continuous 9 or so hours, and when I picked it up in the morning (thankfully it was the holidays and I unusually fancied a morning brew), it was hot hot hot. Just how much electricity that will have used I can't begin to imagine. Of course I'm trying to reframe it positively - it could have resulted in a very damaging fire and didn't, so that's good. And there's nothing I can do about it - it's already happened so I have to let it go. All I can do is try to ensure it doesn't happen again. I don't know if it means buying a new kettle. For now I'm turning it off at the socket after use, just in case.
I want to call the electricity company and protest "but I didn't want to use it!" but of course it doesn't work like that. I know of folk who buy stuff thinking they want it only then don't really use it much at all - we can't take things back to the shop just cos we realise we were hasty in our purchasing. And we can't call up the water company and complain that we didn't mean to leave the tap running all day. I already nag my kids plenty about not wasting things. It's a fine balance as I want them to be careful too, and would like them to check they have turned things off properly, but I also want them to enjoy life without a whining mum forever in their ear.
And so I try and talk about (and of course demonstrate) love with them far more than I talk about resources. Cos love can never be wasted, or run out, or have to be paid or accounted for. I hope today that you use up way more love than you use electricity :D
...
how many times do you think I'm going to tip cold water onto a teabag before I get the hang of turning the kettle on at the wall each time...

Also, I've looked up average costs and it probably only cost £6.75 for my kettle to be on overnight. I took a while to work out if it was actually £67.50 as that was nearer what I expected, but no it's only apparently 2.5p to boil a kettle. I don't feel so bad now.

rising again

It's OK - I know the ending and it's going to be alright. Well technically, I've no idea how the clever scriptwriters are going to conclude the series, but I'm familiar with the plot so far and whilst I'm hoping there is no neat happy ending as that would be banal, I do trust it will work out - things always do, even if it's not the way we expect. As a helpful friend reminded me "when it feels like it's the end, it's not the end".
I'm talking about the programme Rev - it's unusual for me to watch something at the same time as it actually goes out, so that in itself is miraculous. And I realise you may not have watched it, so I won't spoil it for you. It was however the perfect redemptive thing for me to watch after a difficult day. Six run of the mill words had succinctly summed up my disappointment, and those six words then floored me for a while as I couldn't shake off the feeling. I managed some digging (wish we hadn't started trying to level the area for the pool as we've made it worse not better), but mainly struggled with the inertia that I've found sadness sometimes brings. I didn't manage to reach out to people, but I decided I would watch a programme for myself. Rev hasn't exactly been laugh a minute of late, but I'm glad I hung in there. My beliefs aren't that God makes sense of the senseless, but I do believe that when things seem hopeless, that hope can be found, that God is still there in the senselessness of it all.
Back to work today and I expect it will be very busy indeed. Hopefully I'll find a moment later to write to the BBC and thank them for reminding me that there is always hope.

my modern classics

I read in a novel recently that grief lasts 18 months. I don't know if this was based on any research, and who defines grief and when it has come to an end. I suspect the amount of grief we feel depends on who we are grieving for, how big a part they played in our lives, how the loss came about, how in touch we are with our feelings and a whole host of other factors. I'm aware that three and a half years down the line since my husband left, I'm still grieving. I shared with a friend that it's now not every day that I cry, but there are still days when I cry several times. This isn't to say that there are not times when I'm happy, but the loss is still there and I sometimes wonder if it will ever go. Last night I was beginning to feel sorry for myself, so as a diversionary tactic, I started a list of books I've read in the last few years that I'm glad I did.
I'm now onto my tenth Robin Hobb book so clearly enjoy the world she has woven. but in other universes, I'd also recommend (in no particular order, my head doesn't do order):

The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern
Pompeii by Robert Harris
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime Mark Haddon
The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas John Boyne
The Time Traveller's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
The Red Tent by Anita Diamant
We Need to Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver
The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon
The Shack by William Paul Young

Today's the last day of the holidays and so I'm hoping we'll have a gentle day. There are (of course) household tasks, and I'm tempted to plant some flowers in the pots having cleared some yesterday. We'll see. Hope whatever you do it's lovely.
... Well I planted up some pots so the front garden looks better than it has done of late. Only I come back in and the kids have been making ice lollies and dog treats in the kitchen. As fast as I sort one area...

cousins

All 30 of us from my dad's side of the family gathered to celebrate my grandma's 90th birthday. I'm so pleased that everyone of us made it, that will mean so much to my grandma. I don't think of myself as coming from a particularly large family, but maybe I do.I grew up with 11 cousins whereas my kids just have the 3. As they live at t'other end of the country we don't see much of them - my newest nephew had no idea who I was really. I'm going to make a determined effort to change that.
Everyone is still asleep but there will be more food - especially cake - again today. Food and family seem a great way of celebrating life to me. Happy Easter!

celebrating

Yesterday's day trip was fantastic! So glad I went, loved dancing to 'your love keeps lifting me higher'. There was indeed much love in the car, and singing too. It was sunny and I wore my sunglasses all day, and took paracetamol as soon as I felt the headache start. But I think the sun combined with 6 hours on the road was too much for my body and I was sick when I got home. Lots of rest overnight and I'll take it easy this morning as I'm driving us to stoke this aftie. Tonight the family are celebrating with my grandma, who reaches the impressive age of 90 tomorrow. There are still cupcakes to decorate and flowers to gather from the garden to fill the jam jars my girly has painted. I did none of the packing etc I was planning to do last night.
I hope you too get to celebrate being with your family this weekend B-)

passion

I have a very early start tomorrow so am starting my blog now! I'm v excited as I'm going to be travelling to Newcastle in a car packed with some of my favourite people and they are all singers :D So I'm hoping there will be some singing, and lots of love. We're going to watch an event similar to one we were all 5 actively part of a couple of years ago. I have such happy memories of it, it's brilliant that we can go and create yet more memories together :)
I hope whatever today holds for you that you get to make happy memories with some of those that you love :)

except when it is

As you may remember, one of my most used catchphrases is "It's not a competition". Sadly tho in some parts of our capitalist society in which we live and move, there are competitive elements. Yesterday was hard for me with my very little patience - and we still need to wait longer yet - to find out the "result" of a "competition". It doesn't feel right, pitting people against each other instead of building people up.
I know the outcome of all these competitions can feel critical. The exam scores, driving tests, interviews - all impact hugely on the shape of our lives. And yet at another level it's how we respond, not the results that actually matter, I feel.
There's an episode in red dwarf where Arnold rimmer meets an alternative version of himself. This guy is affirming of others and instantly likeable rather than the bitter man we are used to. we get to see what 'lucky breaks' he had that set him up so well in life so he could afford to be so generous. Only it turns out that the kind rimmer is the one who 'failed' as a youngster and that is what made his character. Interesting stuff. Obviously we can't go back and see what we'd have turned out like if only we had got that job, or failed that test. What I do know is that whether in the eyes of the world we win or lose, pass or fail, are accepted or rejected, we have exactly the same amount of worth and are loved abundantly.
If at any moment you doubt that, I hope you cam hold onto the truth that you are perfectly amazing and in competition with no-one at all.

instructions

home again, and a day spent trying not to worry about things over which I have no control. We finished the greenhouse, tho as Holder Of The Instructions, I was disappointed that we had 3 planks of wood left over at the end - they were labelled, but never used at any point in the instructions. Oh well.
Dog walk and a put-the-world-to-rights chat about to ensue with a friend, and then giving blood this afternoon - I've had to tick yes more than ever before on the form so hope they still want it...
...
Yes they did! There were new instructions on moving during giving and it made it quicker than it has been for me in the past, so that's good. In many ways I don't like giving blood, but in many ways I do. I know several of my friends who would give if they could but can't. It feels brill to be able to give something of myself - literally - that could be life saving for others - I always feel very glad after even if I'm apprehensive before. And ready salted crisps were on offer this time - yay!

Hope your day has had as much joy in it, and whatever you need to take your mind off the things that worry you from time to time, or the courage to address those very same things :D

a rose by any other name

All hands to the deck with the greenhouse still - glad it's sunny!! So here's a blog I wrote a few days ago...

I've been thinking about what to do with my surname. The truth is, there is no way I have the capacity to face the amount of paperwork and hassle a change would involve, so it's a mute point in some ways, but I don't let big challenges stop me from thinking things through :)

I may have mentioned before that i gave a lot of thought as to if I should change my name when I married. Then there was the question of what to, and we considered several options. My husband-to-be was happy to take my name but as he has the same first name as my dad, it felt weird to imagine being married to someone with the same full name as my father. Perhaps I should have just gotten over that. My favourite is still that suggested by one of our best friends, an anagram resulting in the name "Hegglegush." I would have liked that for so many reasons - a blending of families, the equality of using both names, and the fact that it's such an ace name. But it wasn't universally popular, and in the end the name we chose was his. So what now? I'm no longer part of that family. But the bottom line is the reason I changed it hasn't altered - so that my children have the same name as their parents. There is no way I want to even raise with them if they'd like to change their names, and so I will keep mine so that it matches my children's. The good news is I barely use it anyway. I'm fortunate enough to have a first name that's unusual enough to not often need the further identification of a surname. I never use it when I introduce myself. I have however realised it is part of my fb identity, so I think the way I shall mark my divorce is to change my name on there - surely that's relatively easy. I will ponder the change, but probably go with my longstanding internet name of "rainbow kristie" if it's available. I like that it is a clear message as to my commitment to ending homophobia, and a belief in hope.

The worst part, for me, of a married name has always been people's bizarre insistence on titles, as if it makes any difference to a woman's existence if she's a Miss or Mrs. I've been a Ms for as long as I can remember. The moments where my blood has boiled tho, is when the woman is totally subsumed into the name of her marriage partner and loses even her initials. The odd time I received mail to Mrs J Surname, I refused to open it as it was not addressed to me. I realise convention says it is, but the inherent sexism in it annoys me so much that sometimes conventions have to be ousted as such...

earning my supper

Often when I come up to my parents, I lounge in front of the fire and get fed. Today I feel I earned my meals :-) We spent the afternoon constructing a greenhouse, it was good, hard work. I think if I'd known just how much fresh air we would be having, I wouldn't have suggested such a long morning walk. It was totally delightful tho, a walk I've not done for around 30 years.

community

I wrote yesterday about some of my community being online, and it certainly is - I relish the opportunities it affords to stay connected with folk that would otherwise be distant. And I'm also a fan of local community building. Yesterday found me at one point in my pjs ringing a neighbour's bell as part of a stray dog hunt. And then later wielding a rake and gardening gloves, helping to plant and tidy in the park - and as you know, I don't even like gardening.
Neither were moments I'd have necessarily actively planned, yet I chose to do both, and enjoyed each. We've been watching DIY SOS big build, me n my girly, and we both enjoy seeing communities turn out to help.
I know there is no such thing as a single community and react against such classifications such as 'the Muslim community' as it denies heterogeneity as if there were one definable body when there isn't. In fact my thesis banged on about this at length.
I also know that building communities is fab and I'm proud to play my part in many that I'm part of. Right now I'm off to wave newspaper palm branches at Sunday school, then head to a fab community where lots volunteer with meals on wheels, look after each other's pets and welcome me whenever I turn up. The beauty of my smartphone is that I get to take my online community with me too. Thanks for travelling with me :-) Hope whatever you are involved with today is lovely :D

legends

So far I have a contented smile on my face :D It's one of those rare mornings where I didn't have to set my alarm as we have no deadlines whatsoever this morning (I knew I'd be up by 2pm, the first thing on today's agenda). And so I dozed and consequently can remember slivers of my dreams - such a variety that encompasses being present at a museum heist, trying to avoid the eye of a neighbour's animal (that was a cross between a goat and a chimpanzee) as I didn't want it to come into my back garden where I already had a horse manure issue and then at a church event explaining that we were none of us regulars so of course this guy's wife could come to a church event the following day.
I'm only half way through the second episode of Rev - maybe it'll be on my parent's tele too and I can watch it there - but am really really enjoying it. One of my best friends is a vicar, another is hoping to become one, and I know lots and lots of people in various church communities up and down the country. So I can identify with the challenges and my heart goes out to all of us doing the best we can in the messy situations we are in. I realised that one of the things I enjoyed most yesterday was spreading the fb message that whoever was reading it was an awesome example of humanity, a legend. I do enjoy reminding people how amazing they are, and how well loved they are :D I'm off to email some love to some people, as I definitely feel part of my "community" is online. Including you, so:
I LOVE YOU!!

friends

I lay in bed last night apologising to my body, thanking it for all the amazing stuff it does for me in spite of what I do, and asking if it would please keep functioning.
It's a blessing and a curse to have a daughter who loves baking. Last night she insisted I had two of her latest creation - plates of warm cookie dough, crammed with chocolate and vegetarian marshmallows. I can just about bring myself to say they were delicious, which they were, but just even thinking about them has me feeling incredibly ill. I haven't asked how much sugar was in them. I know from the tidying up of the kitchen that they involved a whole block of butter. It seems almost irrelevant that I know they must have contained wholemeal flour as we're out of white flour.
So this morning's burning issue is what to have for breakfast as I feel I should not consume anymore sugar for at least a week so my body can recover. There's some purple headed brocolli left over from tea last night but I can't bring myself to have that. I'd usually enjoy a glass of fruit juice but I know that's high in sugar. Everything - cereal, bread, croissants, fruit - all have sugar in them. I may just have water and see how I feel when I get back from work.

Facebook also currently feels a blessing and a curse - sometimes I get upset by it, but I've recently discovered God, who makes me smile. Reminding me of Bruce Almighty, for that overwhelming sense of responsibility, this facebook poster received messages that are kindly responded to. Describing themselves as a comedian, there is funny stuff there, but what drew me to it was a post I initially shared a few days back that reminds everyone reading how beautiful they are. I want to wait a day or two more before sharing today's delight (don't want to overdo it, do I?!) - actually sod it, I'll post it anyway.

https://www.facebook.com/TheGoodLordAbove/posts/790816754339363
Maybe you can see it from here? Or maybe you should be my friend on facebook and then you'll know what I'm on about?! All fb friend requests considered when accompanied by a message :) Indeed, the person who introduced me to God on fb is someone I've never met in real life - she went to a Rob Bell gig that I did and saw my comment after and befriended me.

Friends are fab :D

gazing

hello. No-one found me those extra couple of hours I was hoping for, so it's been a bit hectic.
An end is in sight tho. It's not the end. There's still plenty to do. But hopefully one of my jobs will finish at lunchtime tomorrow - and as my son says - I can then have a lunch break of a week! I will also scale down my other jobs and am very much looking forward to a couple of days of Cumbrian air :D
Other than not having a spare minute, I've also not blogged yet today as I don't feel I have anything to say that's not mired in my own naval fluff.
I'll leave you with that pleasant image for now, and get a brew and take a moment and may return re-inspired.

sitting

Obviously I miss the kids when they're not here. And increasingly I seem to be doing more of my parenting via text in any case, whether they are here or not. But coming home yesterday was rather lovely - my boyfriend had arrived, walked the dog and started cooking tea. How very very wonderful :) We live a bit differently, and his routine after tea is to watch tele, so we did - I did practically all my sewing on of name labels and cub badges. I even set up Rev to watch as I've not seen any of this series. He left for work at that point so I thought I'd just get a few chores done, and a bit of work on my other jobs, and yes you've guessed it, the evening disappeared and I found I couldn't keep my eyes open so did not get to sit down again. Maybe tonight - tho I've realised there is only a month til Christian Aid week and there is still much to be done.
If you find any extra hours lying about, do send them my way. Hope your day is full of treats and delights and some sitting down to relax :D

...
little bit glum. so far this week I've earned around 90 quid. Monday's adventure cost 80. I've just had to write a cheque to my solicitor for £132, for receiving, contemplating and replying to an email. And now I'm about to take the dog to the vet to get his paw checked out. Good job I wasn't planning on storing up my riches on earth ;)

so very good to watch this: http://twistedsifter.com/videos/what-you-get-for-being-kind/

laughing out loud. eventually.

I can laugh about it now, but at the time I was Very Cross Indeed. ALL day I'd impressed upon my charges that we couldn't miss the train home as there would be an hour's wait on a cold platform with nothing to do nearby.
The day passed happily enough - there was free wifi :) I only had to go into the (cold) water once to locate some children, and so spent pretty much the entire day texting and  reading my book (which had some genuine laugh out loud moments about men's pants. I had to stop tho when it spoke too keenly about grief. It's not cool to be caught bawling at a swimming pool by your pre-teen's mates). It cost me a small fortune, obviously, but all was going cheerfully. Only then, with the usual lack of urgency I have found young people don't seem to possess, there was no haste to get changed, or leave the building, or dash to catch the train. And so we watched it depart as we crossed the final road. I had only 6% charge left on my phone by this point (and was beginning to rue my internet accessing) and had to apologise to various parents whose numbers I'd only acquired for the sole purpose of contacting them in an emergency.
Coatless, and wet from the downpour on the way in, I handed my scarf over to the coldest looking (after a five minute sit on a distant bench to calm down sufficiently to stop grumping). I rationed out the emergency supplies of dried apricots and chocolate mini eggs I'd secreted into my coat and then laughed at the question as to if this is what it was like during rationing in WWII.
So there was laughter. And we got home eventually - very cold, tired and hungry (what, even after the apricots?) Got to have an early night now tho - to drop off the kids on my way to work tomorrow requires a considerable detour.
I wish you much laughter too, even if it is about men's pants. Or adventures that went a little awry.
... Not even turning the computer on this morning and going to work a long day so I can work less on Friday when I'm with the kids again...

sin no more

I'M hoping at some point to continue a conversation we'd just started when the dog cut his foot and we had to get him home to bandage it (there's something v cute about a dog with a bandage on its paw - why is that?)
We were considering who it is that defines sin, and I suggested it's a bunch of men a long time ago, who thus decreed that owning a slave was fine but that two men lying together was abhorrent. I am still smarting from a recent sermon about a woman who was sinful as she was in a relationship but not married. For someone who has always striven to be a good girl, it's not easy for me to bear the label of someone who "lives in sin" (I don't live with my boyfriend, but the accusations stands).
The church sometimes comes across as sex obsessed in my opinion. I hear a lot about the sinfulness of myself and my gay friends. I don't think I've ever heard anyone be accused of sin as they still own two shirts and haven't given one of them away to a poorer person. I'm guessing if I was to look in people's wardrobes in this country, I'd find way more than one shirt in each - there certainly is in mine, yet no-one has ever pointed out my sin there for not better sharing the world's resources.

It's no simple task, to discern the will of God. I suspect that if the Bible were written today, it wouldn't read the same, as I believe the people writing it brought to bear their own perspective and words and language. (Tho I have before been told I'm not a proper Christian for the views I hold, so we can add heresy to my list of sins today if you like!)

Clearly there could be a million blogs on "what is sin?", but I'm just reflecting at the moment as to who defines sin, and am not going there as to what it actually is. I'm not one for throwing stones at people as I don't see how that helps anyone - but I do see people hurl metaphorical rocks at others all the time. I guess if I were trying to discern the will of God for myself, it would involve working on laying down any stones I'm tempted to throw, and encourage others to lay down theirs too. And maybe catch the odd one or two as they fly so that they don't hit their target.

Today I'm taking a bunch of young people to Blackpool's sandcastle. As usual, I'm feeling anxious about the responsibility and dreading being cold. I'm hoping no stones are thrown today ;)

lion lying down with the lamb/duckling with the cat

I needed a morning without setting the alarm, and so I'm not at church today. I am however being inspired by facebook - this about how love can overcome the desire to attack:
http://funnycatsgallery.com/mom-cat/the-cat-and-the-ducklings/

and this on how love can overcome the fear of the other:
http://metro.co.uk/2014/04/05/cracker-company-provides-amazing-response-to-homophobic-critics-of-same-sex-couple-advert-4689863/

I'm really pleased that a company wouldn't bow to homophobic criticism - I know that other companies have in the past, so it's good to see how kindly this has been handled.

I also did the quiz currently circulating fb, and discovered the "track of my life", ie number one when I was 18, was "everything I do, I do it for you." This interests me, as it was number one for ever and so at the time I wrote a piece on it for my church magazine, saying that as it was so prevalent, how could we rethink it, and that I was trying to see it in terms of serving God. It's funny to think that 22 years on I'm still writing about music and God and loving as best as we can.

Ooh look, I've started using capitals again. Yesterday was obviously just what I needed - a good cry in a long counselling session about how I don't get to be with those I love as much as I'd like. A lovely lunch with a lovely friend, a lovely homemade curry in front of a film. For a longtime I've wanted to watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - it was certainly interesting, that taking away our memories of hurts isn't the panacea after all. And then some rest - hurrah!

Sleepovers tonight so I'm going to have to clean*, but will hold onto that uplifting image of fluffy ducklings and kittens all snuggled up together. Wishing you fluffy snuggliness too :D

*I've spent the afternoon trying to reduce a paper pile - how can so much effort result in so little well, result?

smelly imprint

you may have already noted that i'm partial to my sense of smell. i once did quite well in a quiz type thing where there were scents on cotton wool and you had to deduce what they were. i'm often sniffing my fingers - right now they smell of buttery croissant, yum. my boyfriend leaves a jacket of his here and i sometimes deliberately stop to smell it as I pass.
you also know i'm a hugger. one interesting by-product of hugging some people is that you sometimes get an imprint of a smell from them, so the hug lasts even longer :) just a few of the people i hug wear perfume or aftershave, and they get to linger longer.
when the kids bathed the dog last week i know it was in part to make him smell more like him again and less like others, having spent a couple of nights away in someone else's house. i don't wear perfume, and am not loyal to a brand of deodorant as it depends what's on offer ;) i do always use ecover washing powder tho, so in that sense might have a consistent smell to the nasally observant (is that a mixed metaphor too far?)
i struggle with the smell of cigarette smoke - as a child i once vomited on my uncle's shoes trying to get out of a car that smelt of nicotine (is it the nicotine that smells, I'm not sure?)
hope you weren't eating! i'm off to bed now. if i wasn't so collapse-in-a-heap tired, i'd put on some fresh bedding to snuggle down into. maybe i can manage a newly laundered pillow case?

ps, i notice that there are times when i can't even be bothered to capitalise, sorry. hope you can make sense of it. i will rest soon and return to full punctuation before the month is out.

pps i have a busier morning than i'd like - got to take the dog to be checked by a potential sitter so we can go to greenbelt. then looking forward to some lovely time with a friend in Lancaster. She's vegan and my attempts at shopping for lunch were very poor, resulting in a carrot and a cucumber. I hope your day has lovely friends and lovely smells in it too :D

I have spent a lot of today feeling grateful for lovely friends. Sat next to a farty dog, I'm less keen on smells right now...

slow slow cooker

there were some reduced-price veggies at the supermarket so i thought i'd dig out the slow cooker and make soup overnight. the setting can't have been high enough tho, cos despite the pleasant aroma, the veg isn't soft at all.

we were at the supermarket as i'd not been able to find anyone to share transport to get my girly to and from a guides bowling trip. so me and ma boy jetwashed the car and then bought some essentials, as there wasn't time to leave Preston and still get back in time to collect her. I'd not jetwashed before but he had, and I think he saw it as a treat. that's what i'm telling myself anyway.

i suspect there will be sand covering our cleaning. yesterday was like that - lots of trying to organise but not getting anywhere. a reminder this morning about chocolate crispy cakes has nudged me to remember i'm helping out at messy church before choir so now have ingredients for an evening meal we're not going to have.

need to leave for work early today as i have to be back early as schools finish early for the holiday. I'm working as usual next week but am v v glad that the holidays are coming. hopefully then i can stop feeling so much like someone out of ecclesiastes...

2.30pm and only finally sitting down now for lunch. no matter how much black pepper I add, it's inedible :(
oh well. it only cost 61p (plus electricity). the good news is it's nearly tea time already - jacket potato at messy church, i've heard :) and then singing :D

battery

Maybe it's Sahara up my nose, but I've had a low level headache for the last 24 hours. I have tho found the 20 secs needed to change the battery in the bathroom clock (someone else has recharged it, will have to locate that magic fairy and than them). I'm hoping this will be metaphorical and that I shall find a new lease of energy today...
maybe not :(
nearly the end of term tho. I'm working next week but the week after there will be resting, oh yes there will.

buckaroo!

My visual image of choice at the moment involves a large tray, with lots of random precious items on it. I'm doing my best to hold this tray, but some bugger - maybe it's me - keeps kneeing it unexpectedly from underneath, and some of the precious items fall and spill, others teeter then dive over the edge and crash to the floor.
It's only a small shift from the plate spinning image - I'm not sure why it's changed but it has. The good news about one tray is that it can be put down in a single easy step. No having to endlessly keep the plates going, no catching required. Just a simple Put It Down.
No brew for me after work tonight, it was an unending dash of dogwalking-teabuying-lawnmowing-haircutting-washingin-washingout. But enough is enough and I've now poured myself some rather delicious orange truffle Baileys and the stuff stacked by the sick is going to stay stacked by the sink. I'm doing a lot of stacking. Had the lawnmower not been placed so precariously on the seesaw in the garage, I'd have taken a picture for you. It was like playing a child's balancing game, you know where you hang a plastic monkey from a tree or rest a teenie barrel on a bucking horse. All fun really :)

Did you see I am so busy I wrote today's blog last night, to save a bit of time. Another dashing day, but at least part of the dashing later is to get to a gig to SING!
...
Bah, just realised the netball-kit-to-school-on-a-wednesday item slipped over the edge. I really can't keep everything upright on the tray. It's definitely like that memory game where you try and recall which item has been removed from the tray whilst you weren't looking... I did remember the hard boiled egg and shoebox he had to take today, just not the netball kit. Ah well, it's nearly the school holidays...

fool

One of my children covered the toilet with cling film, the other used it DESPITE BEING AWARE of the cling film and no prizes for guessing who cleaned it up. It reminded me of one of my few childhood memories that are not dependent on a photograph - most recollections seem to be based around a hook of a particular printed image. I can remember, giggling conspiratorially with my little sister, spending a very long time indeed using felt pens (not quite matching when the first one ran out) to colour in a large circle of "tomato soup" to fool my Dad. I find it so hard to believe now that I really thought he would be in any way deceived by it, seeing as it bore no resemblance whatsoever to soup. I'm pleased to report that my deception skills have not developed at all since then :D

I'm currently not quite managing to keep on top of stuff. I need to get to work so will just have to let that go and try and focus on all that might raise a giggle instead. I hope that each time today you realise someone is trying to trick you, you can delight in it, because they must think you're worthy of their attention and they want to make you smile :)

..........

Olfactory-wise, it has been a satisfying day. I've had several whiffs reminding me of various friends (their deodorants or washing powder or whatever it is that reminds me of them. Not their farts). And some luscious baking at one point. The sun is shining so inevitably the question has arisen as to when the pool is coming out. Let's not go there right now shall we, I feel overwhelmed enough already right now. On a more positive note, the rays have incited me to purchased salad items. I try and support my local fruit n veg shop but it always seems to cost a small fortune. The report that was highlighted on the news today suggests that we should be eating at least 7 portions, and that frozen and canned "shouldn't count". No wonder health outcomes for poorer people are so much lower - no surprise I know for so many factors, but it often feels quite tricky to cheaply purchase fresh fruit n veg compared to less nutritious choices.
Hungry now so had best go wash and assemble my purchases. Hope you can feel the sun too?