I don't run, and I don't live in London, Bristol or Liverpool - but this sounds like such a brilliant idea!!!! One off missions to run and help someone like changing their lightbulb, or running to visit someone a set distance away who would welcome a social call - they get called your coach cos they are the ones motivating you to run, and sharing their wisdom with you. Hats off to the dreamers of this scheme :)
If it's not in your area and you want to set one up, there's an option to do that. Apparently you need to be energetic, a keen runner, and want to help people - I only fit one of the criteria so this scheme is not for me. But I think it's such a corking idea I'm going to see how I can promote it...
http://www.goodgym.org/how_it_works
Thursday, 31 October 2013
monumental
I've been trying to do less skimming of radio channels, and give each a chance now, whether it's playing classical music or something of a more recent bent. Occasionally I linger on the talky bits but my journey to work/between clinics etc isn't long, so I don't feel I have time to join their station's community and don't like getting just a bit of the topic and then having to stop. I did catch the other day that there is a national problem with loneliness. I can relate to that. Who knew how much I'd have missed the dog these last two days - I hadn't realised the part he plays in keeping some of the loneliness at bay. The cat just wasn't the same somehow, which is odd as my entire childhood involved sleeping with a cat on my bed.
I do know that in the end, the real answer isn't trying to keep the loneliness at a distance, filling my time and space with people and events - I know lots of us use TV and alcohol and all kinds of things to numb the doubts rather than face the feelings. What does help time and time again - and I'm so grateful to be part of circles of people who do this for me as I also do it for them - is to have people listen well to my doubts and then offer the contradictions: I am not alone, I am doing well, I have not monumentally mucked up, etc etc. Problematically, such people are really only available by day, and I've noticed that for many of us the loneliness, the doubts, surface at night when we are of course most alone. Tonight the dog is back - maybe I shall tie a contradictory message to his collar? Or I could write a message on my bedroom ceiling... I guess the only limit is my imagination.
I do know that in the end, the real answer isn't trying to keep the loneliness at a distance, filling my time and space with people and events - I know lots of us use TV and alcohol and all kinds of things to numb the doubts rather than face the feelings. What does help time and time again - and I'm so grateful to be part of circles of people who do this for me as I also do it for them - is to have people listen well to my doubts and then offer the contradictions: I am not alone, I am doing well, I have not monumentally mucked up, etc etc. Problematically, such people are really only available by day, and I've noticed that for many of us the loneliness, the doubts, surface at night when we are of course most alone. Tonight the dog is back - maybe I shall tie a contradictory message to his collar? Or I could write a message on my bedroom ceiling... I guess the only limit is my imagination.
Wednesday, 30 October 2013
shrugging off the bullies 28 years later
Wishing I'd booked more annual leave - will have to make sure I take lots at Christmas.
I was doing my usual radio flick the other day and stayed to listen to the whole of the Prokofiev piece playing. This is unusual - as soon as I hit Classic fm I go straight on. But I love Romeo and Juliet - even tho it's now hard to shift images from The Apprentice when I listen to it.
Until 1985, my favourite type of music was Classical music. Then one day I discovered someone had written on my school pencil case "I love Mozart" and it hurt. No-one likes getting picked on, and sadly I wasn't at the time strong enough to be proud of all my uncool tastes - I was already perceived as uncool as I was smart and loved learning.
Last week I explored in my head that one of the reasons I never linger at Classic fm is the fear that if I crashed listening to it, any passers by or ambulance folk would judge me for being uncool.
I am trying to be less concerned about how others judge me. And I'd like to think ambulance drivers follow some kind of code of conduct that they treat people well, irrespective of their musical preferences. So the question is, am I more confident now than I was at 12? I guess as I listened to the entire piece last week rather than dash on to the next channel, then maybe I am. Perhaps now is the time to look again at what it was I enjoyed about Classical music and see if the passion's still there - it might not be. But I know sometimes I couldn't get to sleep, I'd been so inspired by what I'd heard. We'll see :)
I was doing my usual radio flick the other day and stayed to listen to the whole of the Prokofiev piece playing. This is unusual - as soon as I hit Classic fm I go straight on. But I love Romeo and Juliet - even tho it's now hard to shift images from The Apprentice when I listen to it.
Until 1985, my favourite type of music was Classical music. Then one day I discovered someone had written on my school pencil case "I love Mozart" and it hurt. No-one likes getting picked on, and sadly I wasn't at the time strong enough to be proud of all my uncool tastes - I was already perceived as uncool as I was smart and loved learning.
Last week I explored in my head that one of the reasons I never linger at Classic fm is the fear that if I crashed listening to it, any passers by or ambulance folk would judge me for being uncool.
I am trying to be less concerned about how others judge me. And I'd like to think ambulance drivers follow some kind of code of conduct that they treat people well, irrespective of their musical preferences. So the question is, am I more confident now than I was at 12? I guess as I listened to the entire piece last week rather than dash on to the next channel, then maybe I am. Perhaps now is the time to look again at what it was I enjoyed about Classical music and see if the passion's still there - it might not be. But I know sometimes I couldn't get to sleep, I'd been so inspired by what I'd heard. We'll see :)
Tuesday, 29 October 2013
relaxing
It feels a bit like Christmas. Board games with my son, endless films on the TV, and copious amounts of chocolate. Shame I'm heading home today as I have work the next three days. I do so like it here tho, so will have to arrange another visit soon. I don't know yet what's happening over Christmas but will ensure it includes some relaxation here.
Sunday, 27 October 2013
r and r
I'm looking forwards to time in Dufton, (just have Sunday School to lead first). Unfortunately as the dog hurt his paw last week and is not supposed to be getting it dirty, the cowpat strewn roads may be off limits. So apart from a day out to a cheese place (cracking Wensleydale Gromit) I fully intend to mainly hang out in front of the roaring fire, catching up with my parents. My clever son has even found my knitting bag, just in the nick of time. It's hopefully all coming together at last :-)
Saturday, 26 October 2013
This too shall pass
My parenting shift yesterday was far too long. I did have a couple of hours sleep but didn't get to clock off properly til 6am. I'd have a word with my union, only parents don't have unions. Tho there is the mother's union - perhaps I should try them. I really had no idea it was going to be this hard. I can't have read the job description properly.
As a result I'm an odd mixture of soppy and grumpy. Can't promise what you'll get if you encounter me... which will either be under a duvet in the lounge, or later we're hoping to go eat pizza. and I shall treat myself to my fave warm cookie dough.
As a result I'm an odd mixture of soppy and grumpy. Can't promise what you'll get if you encounter me... which will either be under a duvet in the lounge, or later we're hoping to go eat pizza. and I shall treat myself to my fave warm cookie dough.
Friday, 25 October 2013
Friday feeling
Whilst flicking through the radio channels, I often hear comments about how near it is getting to the weekend. This saddens me, that we would be fixated on wishing time away and just "living for the weekend". That we dislike our jobs and colleagues so much that we can't wait to have an escape before then having to come back and do it all again on Monday. I realise that I'm lucky to love my job, but I do wonder, if people really don't like what they do Monday to Friday, if there's not other passions to be explored, or other ways of viewing all that they do Monday to Friday. Of course it's fab that we look forward to special time with our loved ones, and time away from work means we can do fun stuff that we can't do in work. But life is too short to discount 5/7ths of it.
My jobs are such that I often work for bits of the weekend anyway, though I'm determined to try and take a few days off and have a proper break with the kids. And despite all I've said above, I love Fridays so get excited about them coming. I'm not so keen on saturdays, so it's not a weekend countdown, it's just that Fridays often have lots of cake, singing and community. This morning's meeting with my colleagues includes extra guests so hopefully extra cake, and I love getting together with them as otherwise that particular job could be quite isolating.
Whatever your Friday holds I hope you can feel some excitement - and if that's mainly about your working day coming to an end, I encourage you to think about what else in work/other work might make your days more exciting in and of themselves...
Big Friday love :D
My jobs are such that I often work for bits of the weekend anyway, though I'm determined to try and take a few days off and have a proper break with the kids. And despite all I've said above, I love Fridays so get excited about them coming. I'm not so keen on saturdays, so it's not a weekend countdown, it's just that Fridays often have lots of cake, singing and community. This morning's meeting with my colleagues includes extra guests so hopefully extra cake, and I love getting together with them as otherwise that particular job could be quite isolating.
Whatever your Friday holds I hope you can feel some excitement - and if that's mainly about your working day coming to an end, I encourage you to think about what else in work/other work might make your days more exciting in and of themselves...
Big Friday love :D
Thursday, 24 October 2013
resource
I had an ace time at the station, singing and dancing and engaging with people who were pleased we were raising money for Parkinsons UK.
I had a much less ace time the rest of the evening. But at least I've recognised that I just don't have enough resource to deal well with all I'm trying to deal with. So already I've put out some feelers this morning to talk with folk who will help steady me a bit, like arranging a brew with a friend on sat. I'm working most of half term, but taking a day off and really looking forwards to some down time in front of a roaring fire in Dufton.
But first I have a vets appointment to make, an audit to do etc etc etc...
I had a much less ace time the rest of the evening. But at least I've recognised that I just don't have enough resource to deal well with all I'm trying to deal with. So already I've put out some feelers this morning to talk with folk who will help steady me a bit, like arranging a brew with a friend on sat. I'm working most of half term, but taking a day off and really looking forwards to some down time in front of a roaring fire in Dufton.
But first I have a vets appointment to make, an audit to do etc etc etc...
Wednesday, 23 October 2013
sticking my tongue out
I have a couple of friends who sometimes stick their tongues out at children, esp in church. From the first time I spotted this I loved it. The contradiction to church being a stuffy boring place where you're not allowed to do fun/irreverent things, as if God were any more in church or any less present anywhere else. The contradiction that adults are stuffy boring creatures who don't know how to be silly. The recognition that for some of us church/life can sometimes need a bit of livening up for adults and kids alike.
Last night I finished my counselling children book. There was an ace bit on how we can in just tiny moments, help pull little ones out of feeling stuck in their stuff. So giving them a grin when they're screaming in a supermarket trolley, or when you spy a child who has clearly been stuck in the back of a car for for too long in their opinion! The author writes of how we can't in those situations offer them space to deal with their feelings, but can provide a resource to get their attention out of what was pulling them down. I've not really thought of "attention out" in this way but will definitely do so from now on.
We can of course also be allies to the harrassed parent - I do this sometimes if I see a parent clearly having a bad day.
Workshop today - I wonder if I'll ever reach a point when I'm not nervous beforehand? Early work start for me these next 3 days - looking forwards to saturday which currently has nothing at all written in it!! Meanwhile let's see what opportunities there are for sticking my tongue out at both young ones and not so young ones who need reminding that all is actually good...
Last night I finished my counselling children book. There was an ace bit on how we can in just tiny moments, help pull little ones out of feeling stuck in their stuff. So giving them a grin when they're screaming in a supermarket trolley, or when you spy a child who has clearly been stuck in the back of a car for for too long in their opinion! The author writes of how we can't in those situations offer them space to deal with their feelings, but can provide a resource to get their attention out of what was pulling them down. I've not really thought of "attention out" in this way but will definitely do so from now on.
We can of course also be allies to the harrassed parent - I do this sometimes if I see a parent clearly having a bad day.
Workshop today - I wonder if I'll ever reach a point when I'm not nervous beforehand? Early work start for me these next 3 days - looking forwards to saturday which currently has nothing at all written in it!! Meanwhile let's see what opportunities there are for sticking my tongue out at both young ones and not so young ones who need reminding that all is actually good...
Tuesday, 22 October 2013
rust
I'm trying v hard not to look at the house as if through the eyes of my in laws. They're coming later for the kids, and I now see there is rust on my radiator - when did that get there? No time to worry about it now - off to work where there is another photoshoot today, only this time on location. All sounds very glamorous but I expect it will mainly feel embarrassing.
And then an unusual child free Tuesday evening. So much potential - to go and hang out with anyone, or to have an indulgent evening. I've not been reading my favourite book as it's too close to the DVD series we've been watching and I was worried i'd get them muddled. But I'm missing it so maybe I'll pick it up again tonight and see if my mind can cope. What's the betting tho that I actually spend the evening working?? Although I could always paint that radiator. I like painting :)
And then an unusual child free Tuesday evening. So much potential - to go and hang out with anyone, or to have an indulgent evening. I've not been reading my favourite book as it's too close to the DVD series we've been watching and I was worried i'd get them muddled. But I'm missing it so maybe I'll pick it up again tonight and see if my mind can cope. What's the betting tho that I actually spend the evening working?? Although I could always paint that radiator. I like painting :)
Monday, 21 October 2013
note to self
I am reading a great book on how we can counsel children. The current section is on how important touch is. I'm really impressed by the teacher mentioned, who realises that when his pupils arrive they are probably mainly dealing with stuff - stuff from home, stuff from their journey in, and so arrive with their hurts. He in some way physically engages with each - hand out to hit in a high five, hand gently placed on a head - I love that someone would have thought so well about what we all need, and these kids in particular, and that he deliberately offers this.
I'm a touchy feely person anyway so have a v physical relationship with both my kids. The book is reminding me tho, of all the skills I have and how as long as I don't get stuck in my own stuff, people's hurts are just feelings they're looking for an opportunity to work through and I can give that opportunity.
Top of the list today is my self assessment tax form. I'm fairly sure I've already done most of it. If I start with a positive attitude I'm hoping it will last :) Then there's the garden gym ie slinging buckets of water over the side of the pool.
In the cereal cupboard I found a note this morning, addressed to my daughter's future self, signed by her past self, reminding her not to watch TV as she wanted to finish making a birthday gift this morning. It's a fab idea, so by the time I get onto the housework part of the day, I may write notes to my future self instead...
I'm a touchy feely person anyway so have a v physical relationship with both my kids. The book is reminding me tho, of all the skills I have and how as long as I don't get stuck in my own stuff, people's hurts are just feelings they're looking for an opportunity to work through and I can give that opportunity.
Top of the list today is my self assessment tax form. I'm fairly sure I've already done most of it. If I start with a positive attitude I'm hoping it will last :) Then there's the garden gym ie slinging buckets of water over the side of the pool.
In the cereal cupboard I found a note this morning, addressed to my daughter's future self, signed by her past self, reminding her not to watch TV as she wanted to finish making a birthday gift this morning. It's a fab idea, so by the time I get onto the housework part of the day, I may write notes to my future self instead...
And here it is - I'm a genius! The filing cabinet is still THE place where I get upset but next time I need to go, look what I've left myself :D
Sunday, 20 October 2013
this is not an uplifting blog
Just like whenever you stop and think about it, the truth is we're all getting nearer to dying, there's no escaping the fact that at any given moment - even Boxing Day - Christmas is coming. I can feel the panic rising already. I don't feel I'm managing to keep up with life on a day to day basis without trying to plan ahead too.
I went shopping yesterday. I only go about twice a year so maybe it would have been better to have thought about present buying before rather than after, but never mind. I don't want to fall for the hype - I like Christmas being a December thing, so I really don't want to start thinking about it, let alone panic about it.
I was in town around 3 hours, buying essentials for the kids that I can't get in the place where I live. As it was lunchtime and I could feel my energy dipping, I am pleased to say I bought myself lunch. Definitely out of my comfort zone, to eat on my own, but I know it's good to push ourselves out of our comfort zone. In those 3 hours I spent half of what I earn in the whole week. I'm glad I don't go shopping more often. People sometimes ask how I manage my money so well and seriously, I think it's because I don't put myself in temptation's way. It's not just the seeing things that then has you think maybe I'd like one of those. It's all those yummy food smells that encourage us to consume more. It's seeing other people buying stuff and feeling like I ought to be part of that. I was glad to get get just what I'd planned and then scarper home again.
Sorry this is such a miserable blog. I shall not go shopping again for some time. And I think I probably need a bit more TLC before the kids come back, don't I! If my daughter were here she'd remind me to "do what I love" so I shall try that, tho if I can possibly sort out the pool that would be great or else there will be too many crappy things on tomorrow's to do list...
I went shopping yesterday. I only go about twice a year so maybe it would have been better to have thought about present buying before rather than after, but never mind. I don't want to fall for the hype - I like Christmas being a December thing, so I really don't want to start thinking about it, let alone panic about it.
I was in town around 3 hours, buying essentials for the kids that I can't get in the place where I live. As it was lunchtime and I could feel my energy dipping, I am pleased to say I bought myself lunch. Definitely out of my comfort zone, to eat on my own, but I know it's good to push ourselves out of our comfort zone. In those 3 hours I spent half of what I earn in the whole week. I'm glad I don't go shopping more often. People sometimes ask how I manage my money so well and seriously, I think it's because I don't put myself in temptation's way. It's not just the seeing things that then has you think maybe I'd like one of those. It's all those yummy food smells that encourage us to consume more. It's seeing other people buying stuff and feeling like I ought to be part of that. I was glad to get get just what I'd planned and then scarper home again.
Sorry this is such a miserable blog. I shall not go shopping again for some time. And I think I probably need a bit more TLC before the kids come back, don't I! If my daughter were here she'd remind me to "do what I love" so I shall try that, tho if I can possibly sort out the pool that would be great or else there will be too many crappy things on tomorrow's to do list...
Saturday, 19 October 2013
reassurance
Being a new parent can be challenging. I run support groups and a phoneline so that people can access support at the tricky time. Right now, I'm finding parenting very tough indeed but am not aware of a phoneline or groups for me to vent my frustrations, be listened to really well, get some TLC, lots of reassurance and nice cake. It's transferable really so let me tell myself what I know:
I just need to reduce my isolation - I'm not the only one that's going through this. It will get better - none of these challenges last forever and we'll all come out the other side. There will be a time again when I'm allowed to shower in peace, where my 100% attention isn't constantly needed. We're just adapting to this new phase, learning new skills and working things out the best we can. I'm doing well, I'm doing well, I'm doing well...
Today I should get a break and am looking forwards to a meal with a friend and some adult time - hurrah!
I just need to reduce my isolation - I'm not the only one that's going through this. It will get better - none of these challenges last forever and we'll all come out the other side. There will be a time again when I'm allowed to shower in peace, where my 100% attention isn't constantly needed. We're just adapting to this new phase, learning new skills and working things out the best we can. I'm doing well, I'm doing well, I'm doing well...
Today I should get a break and am looking forwards to a meal with a friend and some adult time - hurrah!
Friday, 18 October 2013
working it through
At the time it's almost impossible to remember how brilliant it is, cos it feels so excruciatingly hard. But when someone who loves and trusts you so much works their stuff through with you, it is an honour. I try and say over and over "there's nothing more important than this" cos it's true. There is nothing more important than the relationships we have and working through the tough stuff. When you're in it tho, it's grim - the hopelessness that we'll never get through it can feel overwhelming. The amount of patience it seems to require - way more than I actually have. I am not perfect and usually join in with the moaning that it's not fair - and that's OK - I'm not a counsellor in these situations - I can do my best and it has to be enough, even when it involves me getting frustrated. Interestingly those I love say it's ok for me to show my frustrations too - they don't expect me to just take all their anger and hurt and absorb it without showing how hard I can find that.
I'm glad not everyone chooses me to work their stuff out with me in this way cos it's intense. But when we get to a place where we've moved forwards, it is such a worthwhile feeling.
I'm glad not everyone chooses me to work their stuff out with me in this way cos it's intense. But when we get to a place where we've moved forwards, it is such a worthwhile feeling.
Thursday, 17 October 2013
party hats
I love the challenges that turn up unexpectedly in parenting. Remembering my own tip that Madness cheers me up, I was working through some of their top tunes when half way through House of Fun, my eldest declared "I've never known what this song is about". Cue a conversation on contraception and what age the right age for sex might be.
Now back to making the chocolate brownies as I'm hoping they will be uplifting too...
Now back to making the chocolate brownies as I'm hoping they will be uplifting too...
Wednesday, 16 October 2013
dents
Today a photographer is coming into work to do headshots. I'm a bit bleary eyes as my parenting badge for last night involved a 4-6am stint cuddling a scared boy and suggesting upteen possibilities for getting back to sleep. I also, of course, have a massive zit on my chin, maybe the result of the inordinate amount of chocolate I have consumed in this emotionally difficult week. I'm trying to view it with pride - one of my own "dents" that make up my life's story. (I watched Cars 2 this week and love the idea that the dents we get from life's adventures with our friends are a source of pride, not something to be perfected).
Are you down to your last ray of hope
Well they say that's the moment things turn around
Don't you give up the fight you can cope
You can be so amazingly strong
And you can't let go
You have come so far
(from Martyn Joseph's Change your world)
The friend I rang in tears at the start of the week, when I was down to my last ray of hope, texted me yesterday to see how I was doing. I have ace friends. So many people seem to be low on hope at the mo. Maybe it's index linked to the sun? I find singing along to Madness helps, but everyone will have their own thing. Whatever dents you have right now, I hope you can see them as scars won from worthy battles, and celebrate your survival. All the dents, spots, scars and tearstains we have join our laughter lines and sparkles-in-our-eyes to make us the beautiful creatures each and every one of us are :D
Tuesday, 15 October 2013
parenting badge
1. Spend a minimum of 2 hours giving complete undivided attention so your child can move from a place of high emotion to a calmer state of mind. In this time you need to display at least 3 of the following:
a) A good balance of listening, but also considerable talking, as reflective listening alone is not enough.
b) Avoiding showing any of your frustration that you have other things to do (see rest of badge requirements)
c) A careful and gradual increase in physical proximity.
d) Use of patience, empathy, humour and any other skill you can possibly draw upon creatively.
2. Support the completion of a homework assignment due the next day. Demonstrate knowledge of how to find out how to do the homework from two reliable sources.
(seriously, this was primary, and I had to look up definitions on the internet AND ring my Dad)
3. Accompany child to purchase pumpkin. Carry pumpkin home when child discovers they've picked one far too heavy to carry themselves.
4. Provide 3 full meals that cover all food groups and include at least 5 fruit and veg portions. To demonstrate a working knowledge of your children, meals must be ones they will actually eat and not something that just fits the 5 fruit and veg//all food group requirements.
5. Ensure school uniforms are clean and ready. Referee between warring siblings whilst uniforms are being put on.
6. Whilst prioritising the above activities, fit in paid work in order to provide said uniform, meals, and pay all bills. Remember to enjoy it all.
Please note that these requirements change every 24 hours.
NB this is in response to my not sewing on my boy's cub badge. Examples here:
http://members.scouts.org.uk/supportresources/1415/cyclist-activity-badge/?cat=56,134,148&moduleID=10
I might get to do the sewing on today as my girly is off school so I am unlikely to go to work for the whole day. So maybe I'll get my badge again for today too ;D
Monday, 14 October 2013
stumbling through the sky
My low points don't always follow rhyme or reasons, but within a week, the times I often find difficult are a saturday morning, when it feels hard to persuade anyone to get going and do something with me and fb is quiet. And Monday mornings, when my to do list has the things I couldn't do at the weekend as it involved talking to companies I'd rather not talk to. Having identified these tricky areas I could do something about them. This morning I showered early in an attempt to engender an up and at 'em mentality rather than mope. This worked until my son left for school with the question "when am I next at Dad's cos I like being at Dad's". I know it's not a competition, I am genuinely pleased that he enjoys being at his Dads. But I'm no longer able to do the emotionally harder things on today's list. Those mortgage conversations will have to wait.
Sunday, 13 October 2013
real choices
My girly didn't want to come to church with me this morning and I wasn't going to make her. Like every relationship, parenting is a series of ongoing compromising. Sometimes she simply has to come with me to things and if I'm in a good place I can listen to her frustrations if she doesn't want to. But we're entering a new phase where increasingly she really doesn't _have_ to come with me to some things. This morning was one such time. She really wanted some time alone to finish an arty crafty project she began yesterday. I really wanted her to come with me cos I wanted us to have more time together, but could see that it would be OK if she didn't (if I'm leading things at night, or a distance, then she will still - for now - have to accompany me). I was trying to figure what approach I wanted to take. I sometimes do ask myself "what would Jesus do?" - not cos there is a definitive answer but it can help me think more clearly about the sort of thing I might like to try. I'm of the view that we are loved just as much by God whether we attend church or not. I am glad that I go to church even on the days I don't feel like it because I think it's important to be part of a community even on our off days. I might chat with my girly about that at some point, but to do that this morning would have come across as emotional blackmail, and it's my opinion and she will have her own.
Life's lessons of the moment definitely seem to be around not taking it personally when people choose their own path that doesn't involve spending time with me. It's a tough one for me cos whilst I want people to get things right for themselves, I both like spending time with those I love, and am aware I have a big button that can get pressed about not being wanted. It's important for me to notice when the button is being pressed as I have no wish to make people feel guilty about their choices, or lean on them to make the "choice" _I_ want them to make. I do think it's best for everyone if I can achieve this, but boy it's hard!!
How do you hold just lightly and freely those that mean so much to you, when all you really want to do is hold them very very tightly for ever and ever and not let them out of your sight/arms at all?? My daughter's independence has rocketed in the few weeks since she started high school, and I'm trying to keep up with my own adjusting.
I have concluded that what I want in my relationships is what I see in God: I love you, I love being with you, and it's entirely up to you if you wanna come play out or need your own space - I'm still here whenever you want to be with me.
Life's lessons of the moment definitely seem to be around not taking it personally when people choose their own path that doesn't involve spending time with me. It's a tough one for me cos whilst I want people to get things right for themselves, I both like spending time with those I love, and am aware I have a big button that can get pressed about not being wanted. It's important for me to notice when the button is being pressed as I have no wish to make people feel guilty about their choices, or lean on them to make the "choice" _I_ want them to make. I do think it's best for everyone if I can achieve this, but boy it's hard!!
How do you hold just lightly and freely those that mean so much to you, when all you really want to do is hold them very very tightly for ever and ever and not let them out of your sight/arms at all?? My daughter's independence has rocketed in the few weeks since she started high school, and I'm trying to keep up with my own adjusting.
I have concluded that what I want in my relationships is what I see in God: I love you, I love being with you, and it's entirely up to you if you wanna come play out or need your own space - I'm still here whenever you want to be with me.
Saturday, 12 October 2013
then I think of you
I think I blog partly out of loneliness. Whilst I have some amazing friends, I miss the consistency of having one person to unburden to every day. So that is my blog instead. I do have to catch myself tho - sometimes I find myself thinking things would be so much better if I wasn't the only adult here, but it is easy to think things would be better if, rather than focus on what is good about the what actually is. I cut my hand yesterday trying to single handedly get stuff from the garage to my car for the tip, and the temptation is to grumble that I shouldn't have to be doing this by myself. But the truth is, even if I lived with 16 other adults I probably would have just done it by myself anyway and still hurt myself.
My son has just left for some male bonding time with his Dad. Us girlies are still in PJs and tho I'm really hoping we make a start on emptying the pool today, maybe we will actually do very little this morning. And we have lots of choc rice crispy cake left over from the cub disco :)
Thankyou for listening, for caring about what I'm up to. I hope you too have a lovely day (cue Bill Withers).
My son has just left for some male bonding time with his Dad. Us girlies are still in PJs and tho I'm really hoping we make a start on emptying the pool today, maybe we will actually do very little this morning. And we have lots of choc rice crispy cake left over from the cub disco :)
Thankyou for listening, for caring about what I'm up to. I hope you too have a lovely day (cue Bill Withers).
Friday, 11 October 2013
guess who
Of course I sobbed through much of "Up!" Loss, grief, dreams not realised in a lifetime. But also loved it - and fab to see elderly people as the main characters in a film.
We then went on to play Guess Who - a game we adapted when the kids were little as the version we bought from the charity shop had only white folk in it. Tonight my son lost one round purely because he was convinced Paul was female - something that happened a fair bit when he was little, but I wrongly thought that now he can read he would make different presumptions. A brilliant conversation ensued about how we make guesses about people's gender, how children regularly ask me if I'm a boy or a girl, to do with my short hair. How names don't always tell us. And one of the Guess Who people looks to me like a man only she has long hair and a woman's name, so we also chatted about trans gendered folk. I love the opportunities to talk about these things with my kids.
Today I have to have left for work before the gate opens for school. Then lunch with my lovely deacon friend - we will share hugs and laughter. Later I need to remove a dead pigeon from my porch roof. Life can be odd.
We then went on to play Guess Who - a game we adapted when the kids were little as the version we bought from the charity shop had only white folk in it. Tonight my son lost one round purely because he was convinced Paul was female - something that happened a fair bit when he was little, but I wrongly thought that now he can read he would make different presumptions. A brilliant conversation ensued about how we make guesses about people's gender, how children regularly ask me if I'm a boy or a girl, to do with my short hair. How names don't always tell us. And one of the Guess Who people looks to me like a man only she has long hair and a woman's name, so we also chatted about trans gendered folk. I love the opportunities to talk about these things with my kids.
Today I have to have left for work before the gate opens for school. Then lunch with my lovely deacon friend - we will share hugs and laughter. Later I need to remove a dead pigeon from my porch roof. Life can be odd.
Thursday, 10 October 2013
reach out and touch
Yesterday I was happy to fulfil a request from a stranger to give her a hug - I'm hoping we will become friends but we'll see. I was also pleased to give a couple of massages to people I was hanging out behind. As you know, connection is so very important for me. Skype is an improvement on telephone conversations but it's a poor substitute for a cuddle.
Some days I shine and put myself out there, and can feel the buzz of reaching out.
Today started out productive but I've been floored by a request to get another house valuation and then other things just seem so much harder. Time to go give encouragement to others methinks, see if that Buddhist thinking works...
Some days I shine and put myself out there, and can feel the buzz of reaching out.
Today started out productive but I've been floored by a request to get another house valuation and then other things just seem so much harder. Time to go give encouragement to others methinks, see if that Buddhist thinking works...
Wednesday, 9 October 2013
tricky delight
Treating people well can be so much easier when you're only around them a bit. Those we live with, who get our tired grotty sides, get a much rougher deal.
I've been noticing how my UPR is high around those I'm encountering the once, and much much lower when my buttons are being pressed and I really just want to go to bed. As a result I'm labelling one of my offspring "disobedient" and yelling. Only once in a blue moon do I remember to try the "It's great that you love reading so much! I can see you really don't want to stop - what do you think we can do about making sure you get enough sleep?" So we're getting into a cycle of disappointing each other and it can be hard to get out of. Delighting in folk at a distance can be pretty easy if you're of the mindset. Delighting in people, reminding ourselves just how much they mean to us, when we're caught in a pattern of feeling let down - yet again - that's a challenge. But not insurmountable :D
I've been noticing how my UPR is high around those I'm encountering the once, and much much lower when my buttons are being pressed and I really just want to go to bed. As a result I'm labelling one of my offspring "disobedient" and yelling. Only once in a blue moon do I remember to try the "It's great that you love reading so much! I can see you really don't want to stop - what do you think we can do about making sure you get enough sleep?" So we're getting into a cycle of disappointing each other and it can be hard to get out of. Delighting in folk at a distance can be pretty easy if you're of the mindset. Delighting in people, reminding ourselves just how much they mean to us, when we're caught in a pattern of feeling let down - yet again - that's a challenge. But not insurmountable :D
Tuesday, 8 October 2013
season table
Before I had children, I imagined I'd be the sort of mummy who everyday was fingerpainting and baking and rolling down hills with my kids. It turns out that these things are messier with actual children than in my head, and whilst we did have a lot of fun whilst they were little, we don't seem to do as much arty crafty stuff nowadays. Maybe that's pre-teens for you, maybe it's because when they do get the glitter out I have to bite my tongue about how it is going Absolutely Everywhere.But tonight was the sort of evening I pictured. As I went to pick my boy up from cubs, pea soup for our lunches tomorrow is already made, and there were cherry cookies in the oven, ready to eat warm and fresh on our return. And as we came back in, he placed a leaf he'd found onto our season table, which is currently looking great. Often it has piles off stuff coming to or from the car, but right now is showing off Autumn's glory.
Tomorrow we may be back to the shouting, the swearing under my breath, the tears and tantrums. But right now, let's celebrate me parenting the way I want to :D
yellow poppy
I want to get to work early today, my temporary colleague is starting today and it would be good to see her before my first meeting. I'm in a strange mood this morning - got up to cuddle my son in the middle of the night following a nightmare involving him. I'm sure I will have had lots of lovely dreams last night too - how come I can only remember that scary part? And just cos I'm in an appreciative mood of him this morning didn't of course mean it was reciprocated. Sometimes we want to get close to those we love and they just are not in the same place.
Yesterday I saw various hues of red poppy. Today in my back garden I can see a solitary yellow one, with buds around waiting to come out - I normally have little orange ones but don't recall having a yellow one before. It's lovely.
I'll be keeping my eyes peeled today for all the other splashes of loveliness that are there for the noticing if only we look...
Yesterday I saw various hues of red poppy. Today in my back garden I can see a solitary yellow one, with buds around waiting to come out - I normally have little orange ones but don't recall having a yellow one before. It's lovely.
I'll be keeping my eyes peeled today for all the other splashes of loveliness that are there for the noticing if only we look...
Monday, 7 October 2013
autumn hues
I needed some eggs but didn't get any here, not wanting to cart them over the field
And the last photo some of the leaves are actually white, it's not the light bouncing off them. Fungal infection according to the countryfile expert with me.
out of place/sorts
I've spent a lot of time this last day or two, shunting things round. It feels as tho everytime I pick something up to put it in it's rightful place, I uncover something else that should have already been dealt with. The whole place is way messier than it was before I started. It's almost enough to stop a person in their tracks and I remember why we get tempted to give up on counselling if everytime we take a peek at one thing there's more rubbish hidden underneath.
I've filled the vacuum with car hair. I've almost filled the brown bin with paper, and the black bin with stuff that cannot be recycled. And I'm about to take the wedding dress to the charity shop. My nose is full of dust, my heart full of sadness. But I'm determined to make the environment one where my boyfriend and his daughter can breathe more easily. I guess these things take time and way more effort than I'm usually prepared to make.
My reward is almost a whole day off - maybe I'll take some things to the tip, but I'm hoping to get out and see some lovely leaves on trees. I need something restorative and I've read that time amongst greenery (or hopefully brownery, reddery and yellowery) is brilliant for reducing stress. Hope you get to do whatever restores you today too :)
I've filled the vacuum with car hair. I've almost filled the brown bin with paper, and the black bin with stuff that cannot be recycled. And I'm about to take the wedding dress to the charity shop. My nose is full of dust, my heart full of sadness. But I'm determined to make the environment one where my boyfriend and his daughter can breathe more easily. I guess these things take time and way more effort than I'm usually prepared to make.
My reward is almost a whole day off - maybe I'll take some things to the tip, but I'm hoping to get out and see some lovely leaves on trees. I need something restorative and I've read that time amongst greenery (or hopefully brownery, reddery and yellowery) is brilliant for reducing stress. Hope you get to do whatever restores you today too :)
Saturday, 5 October 2013
submerged
I have spent much of today under water.
The day started with my cleaning out the base of the airing cupboard - great in that it's a task that's needed doing for several years, not so great in that it was supposed to be a day of doing nothing. Still, I then got into my relaxing bath and enjoyed immensely some more of my highly recommended book. Whilst soaking, my girly announced that she really really really wanted us to go to a pool with a flume today. Why is it that when I need to get my kids out of the house they don't want to take their eyes off the TV screen, but the one day of the year I fancy doing nothing but watch TV, they are in the mood for activity? It was cleverly pointed out that exercise is good for us when our bodies feel a bit ill (which mine did today, and tablets weren't shifting it) and that I could always make good use of the jacuzzi. Which I did. I also did my usual favourite thing of hanging out under the stair rods of water - how come I never see anyone else do this when it's so good a massage? I played piggy in the middle which was way more active than I intended. And then I delighted in the sunlight bouncing off the water. As I don't wear my glasses in the pool, the light refracted (or whatever the sciency term is) and it looked like a sparkler, so was magical to watch the water ablaze, and stopped me from mentally considering all the surfaces in my house I really ought to dust.
It's hard for me to switch off. But I'm having a good go :)
This is the book - I finished it last night and think it's lovely...
http://erinmorgenstern.com/the-night-circus/
The day started with my cleaning out the base of the airing cupboard - great in that it's a task that's needed doing for several years, not so great in that it was supposed to be a day of doing nothing. Still, I then got into my relaxing bath and enjoyed immensely some more of my highly recommended book. Whilst soaking, my girly announced that she really really really wanted us to go to a pool with a flume today. Why is it that when I need to get my kids out of the house they don't want to take their eyes off the TV screen, but the one day of the year I fancy doing nothing but watch TV, they are in the mood for activity? It was cleverly pointed out that exercise is good for us when our bodies feel a bit ill (which mine did today, and tablets weren't shifting it) and that I could always make good use of the jacuzzi. Which I did. I also did my usual favourite thing of hanging out under the stair rods of water - how come I never see anyone else do this when it's so good a massage? I played piggy in the middle which was way more active than I intended. And then I delighted in the sunlight bouncing off the water. As I don't wear my glasses in the pool, the light refracted (or whatever the sciency term is) and it looked like a sparkler, so was magical to watch the water ablaze, and stopped me from mentally considering all the surfaces in my house I really ought to dust.
It's hard for me to switch off. But I'm having a good go :)
This is the book - I finished it last night and think it's lovely...
http://erinmorgenstern.com/the-night-circus/
Friday, 4 October 2013
sing to the moon
Sometimes a song really speaks to your heart - this (lyrics below) has been one for me this year, what with the weeping and needing to put my burdens down. When I'm on my own, the reminder that I can sing out loud, sing my heart out, up to the moon, that the stars are still shining even when the clouds are obscuring them, and that there is another side that I will get to, and usually do after just a short struggle.
It was good to sing with friends tonight. And I'm v much looking forwards to a total day off tomorrow. I've turned my alarm off and everything :D
It's by Laura Mvula and you could listen/sing along here:
It was good to sing with friends tonight. And I'm v much looking forwards to a total day off tomorrow. I've turned my alarm off and everything :D
(Verse)
Hey there you, shattered in a thousand pieces
Weeping in the darkest nights.
Hey there you, try to stand up on your own two feet
And stumble into the sky.
(Pre-Chorus)
When the lights go out and you’re on your own
How you’re gonna make it through till the morning sun?
(Chorus)
Sing to the moon and the stars will shine
Over you, lead you to the other side.
Sing to the moon and the stars will shine
Over you, heaven’s gonna turn the tide.
(Verse)
Hey there you, looking for a brighter season
Need to lay your burden down.
Hey there you, drowning in a hopeless feeling,
Buried under deeper ground.
Hey there you, shattered in a thousand pieces
Weeping in the darkest nights.
Hey there you, try to stand up on your own two feet
And stumble into the sky.
(Pre-Chorus)
When the lights go out and you’re on your own
How you’re gonna make it through till the morning sun?
(Chorus)
Sing to the moon and the stars will shine
Over you, lead you to the other side.
Sing to the moon and the stars will shine
Over you, heaven’s gonna turn the tide.
(Verse)
Hey there you, looking for a brighter season
Need to lay your burden down.
Hey there you, drowning in a hopeless feeling,
Buried under deeper ground.
(Chorus)
Sing to the moon and the stars will shine
Over you, lead you to the other side.
Sing to the moon and the stars will shine
Over you, heaven’s gonna turn the tide.
allotted hours
I was chatting with a friend last week who only sleeps for two and a half hours each night. I have to confess I was a bit jealous - think of what I could do if I had all those extra hours to play with (or more likely work with). But the truth is our lifespan is unknown and none of us get an equal share of allotted hours - we get what we get and it makes sense to make the most of whatever that might be.
The last couple of nights I've not slept well. I can feel the tension in my back and my body is telling me something has to change. I've not spent enough time with those I love, and I'm not looking after myself as well as I need to. The good news is tho that tomorrow has nothing written in whatsover. Sunday is full on with Harvest stuff, but saturday remains a blank oasis and I intend keeping it that way. Hopefully we can have a long lie in, and maybe lots of vegging in front of the tele, and hopefully an inspiration walk amongst the autumn leaves. But I won't write off today - there is that to embrace first :)
The last couple of nights I've not slept well. I can feel the tension in my back and my body is telling me something has to change. I've not spent enough time with those I love, and I'm not looking after myself as well as I need to. The good news is tho that tomorrow has nothing written in whatsover. Sunday is full on with Harvest stuff, but saturday remains a blank oasis and I intend keeping it that way. Hopefully we can have a long lie in, and maybe lots of vegging in front of the tele, and hopefully an inspiration walk amongst the autumn leaves. But I won't write off today - there is that to embrace first :)
Wednesday, 2 October 2013
good example
I was criticized tonight for having an untidy car.
It is indeed a tip - my mobile office where I stash an overflow of leaflets etc that don't fit in my bag, my empty bread bags from lunch on the move, there's some suncream just in case (I've brought that in now) and a map that's at least 30 years out of date but may come in should my sat nav fail. We're all entitled to an opinion, tho I don't ever express mine with the opening gambit of "you really should..."
The ouch came when it was followed by the phrase "you're setting a bad example to the children." Again, I understand the perspective. It would indeed be better if I was showing them that it's good to take care of the stuff we have, to store items carefully so that they last longer. I agree. But it would also be better if I was living in a world where we each had all the support and UPR we needed to affirm every thing we do or don't do as being the best we can manage in that moment. It would be better if I had enough time in the day to organise all my stuff, clean my car (plus kitchen sink, back door where a bird crapped all over it a fortnight ago, the list here could be endless), go to bed satisfied that I'd done enough so that I don't wake part way through my sleep planning what I need to squeeze in before going to work the next day.
But this is how it is. And I just have to keep everything crossed that the example I set my children is that when push comes to shove, in a situation of finite time and infinite possibilities of time fillers, I choose over and over again to go and see the person in the street who is in particular need this week, to respond to requests for help, and yes, to do fun stuff for myself. I'm an example of attempting to live my life according to my priorities, and no, tidying doesn't seem to feature in the top 10...
(or 1000)
It is indeed a tip - my mobile office where I stash an overflow of leaflets etc that don't fit in my bag, my empty bread bags from lunch on the move, there's some suncream just in case (I've brought that in now) and a map that's at least 30 years out of date but may come in should my sat nav fail. We're all entitled to an opinion, tho I don't ever express mine with the opening gambit of "you really should..."
The ouch came when it was followed by the phrase "you're setting a bad example to the children." Again, I understand the perspective. It would indeed be better if I was showing them that it's good to take care of the stuff we have, to store items carefully so that they last longer. I agree. But it would also be better if I was living in a world where we each had all the support and UPR we needed to affirm every thing we do or don't do as being the best we can manage in that moment. It would be better if I had enough time in the day to organise all my stuff, clean my car (plus kitchen sink, back door where a bird crapped all over it a fortnight ago, the list here could be endless), go to bed satisfied that I'd done enough so that I don't wake part way through my sleep planning what I need to squeeze in before going to work the next day.
But this is how it is. And I just have to keep everything crossed that the example I set my children is that when push comes to shove, in a situation of finite time and infinite possibilities of time fillers, I choose over and over again to go and see the person in the street who is in particular need this week, to respond to requests for help, and yes, to do fun stuff for myself. I'm an example of attempting to live my life according to my priorities, and no, tidying doesn't seem to feature in the top 10...
(or 1000)
no colour
One of the many increased expenses since my girly started high school is printer ink. Homework every night and I'm already out of colour - she knows she will have to print something of tonight so I have just had to dash to my local ink seller. I say dash, but i don't have a dash in my body today. Recklessly, I didn't look up what the exact number on the ink cartridge was before I went, going straight from the school service to Save Time. No prizes for guessing where I'm back off to now...
The nice guy knocked me some money off for my repeat custom ;) Inky fingers are not appropriate for my work, but I had best go nonetheless. It's a data day. Wonder if that's why my heart isn't into it?
My joie de vivre is bound to be somewhere, I'll let you know where I find it!
The nice guy knocked me some money off for my repeat custom ;) Inky fingers are not appropriate for my work, but I had best go nonetheless. It's a data day. Wonder if that's why my heart isn't into it?
My joie de vivre is bound to be somewhere, I'll let you know where I find it!
Tuesday, 1 October 2013
noticing our dominance and standing aside
Those of us with privilege (dominance in some aspect of our identity, such as being white, or heterosexual) need to notice just how much space we take up - our confidence meaning we can sometimes take over conversations/speak out at events without noticing who doesn't put their hands up/participate in everything generally when others don't feel so welcome to do so.
I think this idea here is fab:
http://www.queertheology.com/synchroblog2013
I asked a guest blogger to write for me today but sadly she's not able to (holding her in my heart especially at the moment). Instead can I encourage you to go to the link and read a story or two there (currently in comments at the bottom but that may change once the synchroblog is up and running today). Thankyou.
I think this idea here is fab:
http://www.queertheology.com/synchroblog2013
I asked a guest blogger to write for me today but sadly she's not able to (holding her in my heart especially at the moment). Instead can I encourage you to go to the link and read a story or two there (currently in comments at the bottom but that may change once the synchroblog is up and running today). Thankyou.
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