Islamophobia

"We are living 'neath the great Big Dipper
We are washed by the very same rain
We are swimming in the stream together
Some in power and some in pain
We can worship this ground we walk on
Cherishing the beings that we live beside
Loving spirits will live forever
We're all swimming to the other side"

This is my song of the moment - has my usual themes in it, love and cherishing and being in it together - some at this moment feeling good and some not. From the snippets I see of the press headlines, and my fb "news" feed, there is a lot of fear circulating and I have been trying to figure what part I have in countering that. I had a quick look for peaceful demos tomorrow but - and I don't know if I'm just scared that things could kick off - I don't think going on a demo is the way to go for me. So I've signed an open letter, I've taken a card to the mosque round the corner from where I work. And I know what I need to keep doing is asking and listening to how people feel. Not just my Muslim friends, but everyone. Cos the more we get to share how we feel, the more we can move forwards. I've been reluctant to engage so far these last few days despite knowing that the asking and listening is the way to swim together. Maybe today I'll strike out for the other side - I'm certainly not swimming alone.

Trust

My fb status today shares a quote that goes “When you completely trust another person, you will end up with one of two outcomes. A friend for life or a lesson for life. Both, regardless of the outcome are valuable.”

I'm waiting for some wit to say the lesson may be to never trust anyone again. And for them, that of course may be what they take from a situation. For me, I feel I've always been a pretty trusting kind of person, but that more recently I'm becoming even more trusting as I'm relinquishing notions of control. I realise trust is something I have and isn't necessarily linked to another person's trustworthiness, which I have no control over. I have, like everyone, felt let down by people, feeling like my trust has been misplaced. But I believe that it doesn't mean I can no longer trust people, or even that person who let me down. Having UPR means knowing that we're all doing our best. So that's where my trust and my delight lies. If a person doesn't pull off what I'd hoped or they'd promised, it doesn't mean I can't trust them. It might mean a fab opportunity to look at how my buttons get pressed, and what I might want to do differently – but not what they have to do differently, that's their thing.

Which is not to say we can't think well about ourselves and our own needs. I can trust my own instincts, which may well keep me safe. I can choose at any time to walk away from situations/people – we don't have to be martyrs to the button pressing!! But the learning is always my learning about myself. And everytime I decide to trust my heart, my time, to other people, it is fab, just fab :D

Shhhh.... sleeping!

Ages ago I read a survey that showed people would much rather sleep next to someone than alone, even tho they knew it meant they would not sleep as well. I'm v lucky to not sleep alone much even if mainly it's with a farty dog. Much as I find being a dog owner hard, it's at night time that I appreciate his company most. There's something wonderful about that warmth and heartbeat. I spend a lot of my working time talking with parents-to-be about the importance of skin-to-skin after the birth of their baby, how being placed onto mum or dad's chest helps the baby's temperature and breathing regulate, as well as course it being great for bonding. I'm not really a baby person (fortunately or can you imagine how clucky I'd be, the number of babies I meet!). But there's lots I love about babies. The way they initially sleep scrunched up and the joy on a person's face to have a baby sleep in their arms. And then later on, their starfish sleep, arms and legs akimbo, chest exposed to the world, so trusting that they can leave their most vulnerable parts unprotected.

I also feel very privileged to have slept alongside strangers as well as loved ones. Going to conferences or retreats where I've had to share a room with someone I don't know very well, or even have just met, has been a delight. Sleeping is a time when I really don't have the control I'd like – who knows what I might say. Who knows what could happen. It feels like the ultimate act of trust, to let go and fall asleep. I LOVE being that courageous, that trusting, and it's how I want to live my life, waking and sleeping. So if you see me today, I may have my head protected by a bike helmet, or my feet encased to keep out the rough stones, but hopefully my heart will be out there welcoming all in :D

Spirituality

I was part of an ace conversation last night discussing spirituality. One of us felt they were not at all spiritual, but loved listening to birdsong; another can spend several hours deep in meditation, and me, I waxed lyrical about the sound the raindrops had made on the plastic bag I carried in my arms on the way to the charity shop a couple of days ago. The word spirituality, like any word, is merely a label. But for me, I love noticing the little stuff that connects me to myself and to others – stroking the dog's incredibly silky ears; singing my heart out in a group or alone; or delighting in the spark in a person's eye when you get them talking about something they love. Whether it's spirituality or not, it enhances my joy in life and so today I shall keep on looking out for it all I can :D

Big big love

I always have a song in my head. The one I woke with this morning is Tyndale Thomas's “there's a song called hope, send it all around the world...” which seems a good way to start the day. I've had a great couple of days just me and my boy, including some grooving along to Seize the Day songs (http://www.seizetheday.org/music.cfm?albumID=6&trackID=77 ).They've now gone for the week, but I have guests tonight so am looking forwards to that. I've not given anyone any breastfeeding support in over 80 hours (except in my dreams. Seriously.) So back to it. I've looked up about being a funeral director and am still not sure about it. Meanwhile my ever lovely boss is thinking with me how to make my new job more what I need it to be so that I don't need to switch career. She's ace :D Best get to it!

love changes everything

I feel this blog should begin with a caution. This is just my current rambling thoughts. It's not a carefully constructed theology. It's not the culmination of a lifetime of research and consideration of other people's theories. It's just some of what's going round my head this particular, so far sunny, morning. It's certainly not what I say out loud when I'm leading Sunday School.

So, I've been thinking about prayer. I'm not much of a traditional pray-er although I would say that according to my personal definition, I do pray often. It's never on my knees, head bowed, with my hands together. It often doesn't have words. But I do feel connection with what I would call (usually) God. Sometimes there are words, and the bringing to mind of people, of situations. Now, as my beliefs don't run to an interventionist God, this isn't so that I can try and convince God that something needs to change. I don't see God as a Being who alters things, but I do believe that all relationships can be transformational. So for me, the power that prayer can have is like chatting to my loving friends, in externalising my concerns, taking time to think through what I could do, or reframing how I feel, such as being reminded that I am loved.

I think we are the ones that show love, empathy, take action, and prayer can help tune us into that. I think prayer can and does change things, but not in the ways that I perhaps grew up thinking it did. I sometimes pray intensely for particular situations, but not with a view that it is my prayer that will change the situation “out there”. I can't reconcile the thought that God somehow protects some because they are prayed for, and not others. Accidents, disasters, illness, these things happen, and sometimes maybe happen less if people are being mindful/prayerful. The frequency and impact of some natural disasters, for example, could be lessened if we put our collective intelligence towards thinking well about the earth and all its peoples. But I don't think prayers protect, or cure people. My daughter stands no more chance of coming home safe and happy from her Rock and River Romp this weekend according to how hard I have prayed for her.

Telling people that I have prayed for them is something else (and not something I do all that often as most people would then think it was of the trying-to-influence-the-future type of prayer). It's one of many ways of showing people that they are important to us, that we have them in our hearts even when they're not right in front of us. There's something a bit fuzzy (as I said, this isn't my definitive view) about hope here too, living out a worldview that's not to do with controlling what happens but trusting that whatever does happen we will not be abandoned by love. Clearly the concept of prayer is massive and I'm not going to be able to explain myself fully here. But I've made a start...

Comfort zone

I love the connection and the many many benefits that technological advances have brought. And I also get intimidated when it goes wrong and I don't know how to fix it. Today I've operated the audio visuals at church for the first time and there was a couple of panic-filled moments when it really didn't do what I was expecting it to do. Nonetheless we survived. The congregation had to sing one hymn without any accompanying words or music but as it was “he's got the whole world in his hands”, they coped. Maybe we all needed to show we could rise to a challenge this morning. Now my hands have stopped sweating, I intend to chill out with my boy (and right hand sound technician) for the rest of the day. That of course was the hardest bit for me – he wanted to make the screen page changes to move to the next verses and despite my urgent whispered “now!” did it in his own time thankyou very much.

It's good to keep breaking out of my comfort zone. And it's good to rest too :D

Adventure

It feels like a little while since I had a proper adventure on my own. In some ways I see life as one long adventure, and parenting certainly can be, but it feels as if lots of my adventuring over recent years has needed to be child friendly, and often led by them. So I'm very pleased to have adventured alone today. I was delighted by the route that unfolded rather than the more road-based one I'd mapped out. There are some amazing leafy cycle paths, and it was gorgeous to cycle along the riverside, sun glinting on the miniature waves. Maybe it was 'cos it was a sunny bank holiday weekend, but so many people said hello or at least smiled as I whistled went past. I'd be lying if I said I loved every second – I've discovered road surface makes a massive impact on enjoyment levels, and I wouldn't want to take my kids on the first/last part of the route where there's no cycle path, just heavy traffic. But I did thoroughly enjoy it, and know that actually my best adventures are those that are shared (why do you think I blog?). So I shall figure how I can get my kids and our bikes to the Guild Wheel so we can explore together :D

choosing flowers not murder

Nine years ago I sat in my best friend's armchair as she started a book group. I was there as a one off to give her moral support in case anyone difficult turned up. A whole bunch of lovely people later and I'm still part of the group, albeit intermittently as it's now the same night as my choir. I try and read the monthly book as it broadens my reading as it's often something I'd never choose for myself. I've read some brilliant books and some I wish I'd never started. I'm currently half through one that I really wanted to read as I'm determined to go to the discussion this month. However, it is relentlessly depressing and I just don't think I can face anymore. The crunch came when last night I got scared of today's impending cycle ride in case I die on it and never see my children again. I don't want to be reading books that limit my life and make me fearful. I like to be inspired by books, people, films and music that encourage me to love and live and laugh and be filled with hope and stretch my potential. I really don't need to be dragged down by fiction full of horror and despair if there is nothing I can do about it.
Today has dawned sunny and not a sniff of a breeze, so the bike ride over to my boyfriend's is on. I am treating it as an adventure - there is no time at which I have to arrive so I can enjoy the flowers on the way, stop for a picnic if I need. But I'm not taking the book with me.

ROAR!!!

Sometimes the love I feel – for someone, or even less specifically than for a particular someone, feels so fierce, so strong, so invincible.

I lreally like the force of the line “my undying death defying love for you” in The Power of Love. One time when I feel something lakin to this is when someone has criticised my children and I feel a swelling of determination to protect them from any doubt as to their worth in acknowledging their fallibility. The image that comes to mind is of a lioness with her cubs. But it's not just about wanting to defend them as such. It's something to do with wanting the person to know that I'm immutably on their side, that there's nothing they can do or say that would stop me from loving them. I get this kind of feeling for other people too, and perhaps most interestingly of all, can get in in times of conflict between others when I feel it for all those involved. Does that sound impossible, to feel wholeheartedly on a person's side and simultaneously wholeheartedly on someone else's side? I realise it sounds contrary but in part it's because I don't believe in “sides” in the first place – I firmly believe we're all on the same side, so that's a start. But I also think it's to do with compassion, and the power that love actually has. I used to think of the word compassion as a wishy washy kind of thing. Increasingly I am feeling and witnessing its strength. So I have experienced compassion as an all embracing, understanding acceptance of who each of us are, with our struggles, our flaws. And that we can be totally loved in that – as can everyone else. I hope you get to feel the power too! 

seconds

The phrase from yesterday that stuck me most is that we get a second chance every second. That feels such a revelation to me and I love the idea that we can keep on trying again and again, not in relentless futility, but that the scope for forgiveness - of ourselves more than anything else - is limitless. This is good. We mess up all the time and it's great to know we don't have to stay stuck there. Yesterday it felt like nothing went to plan and I am figuring that of course that's what happens. I don't live in a vacuum (momentary distraction at the disgusting thought of living amidst the dust in my Dyson). I don't have control over much really, so whilst I may plan, the reality is I have to be flexible and go with the what is, not the what I had planned for.
Today I expect to leave for work very soon (Friday is my start early day, a miracle if I get to blog beforehand), then return early too and work from home and maybe complete some of yesterday's to-do list. Of course what will actually happen remains to be seen, lived and embraced ;)

if you can't say anything kind...

A friend yesterday had more of a struggle imagining me finding time to write a daily blog, than she had picturing me as a funeral director. And it's true that sometimes it's a struggle to find time - particularly to write something that I feels merit broadcast. Othertimes the struggle is to have something to say. I'm of the view that if I can't say something kind its better not to say anything at all. So the days when I'm most in need of a rant rather than reflect, I tend to forbid myself from expressing how I feel in my blog cos I don't think the internet's the place for that. I'm all for venting, but only in safe places where the impact of my buttons having got pressed doesn't then go onto to hurt others.
I have a friend coming for an after-school brew. Maybe she'll get the rant, whilst I wash up the week old dishes, and my next blog will hold something worth reading...

pudding please

Ah, as I suspected, now the endorphins are no longer pulsing through my veins, I fancy a morning in bed. But I can remember how good last night felt, so I will get on my bike again. I momentarily considered cycling to work even. I'd need to build up to that. And I'm only working this morning as it's sports day this afternoon, so I'd need to turn round as soon as I got there.
Yesterday I heard the phrase "the people on the titanic turned down the sweet trolley" which reminded me of my recent learning and how we're always making decisions based on what we think our future selves may want when the future may be different and so we might have liked one last pudding after all. Yet had we gone on to live for ages we might have been glad not to have clogged our arteries. Me I'm a pudding person. I don't think i'm going to live for ever and want to enjoy the here and now. Had better keep at it on my bike :D

freewheeling

Our bike ride was ACE!!! The effort of riding my old bike with its flat tyres means I'd forgotten the potential for exhilaration. I loved the freedom and the speed and the ease with which I zipped along the country lanes – it was with reluctance I turned back homewards, I'd have carried on for miles! Of course I may not feel the same in the morning. But already I'm planning when and where we can next get out for a ride. I'd forgotten how I used to go out with my Dad and sister at the weekend when we were young. It would be great to go exploring with my kids now – tho the fear of one of us getting a puncture/injury far from home still puts me off somewhat – I shall have to think of how we could manage those scenarios. So come on Summer, I predict a whole lot of swimming and cycling these next few weeks :D

(if you look very carefully, you can see the word "joy" imprinted on my son's bike)

super speedy

This week has some unusual moments of "me" time as well as a flurry of appointments all run into one another. I've just had a cooked breakfast - on a Tuesday! But now need to start the non-stop part of the day. Tonight I shall be properly trying out my superfast bike on a family cub cycling event. The bike has come from a friend who no longer uses it and it's really old but way way faster than my previous one, so I like the stereotype that disrupts. It's also possible that I shall be getting superfast broadband later too. But despite today's rapidity, I'm trying to appreciate each moment and whoever is right in front of me. There is much to be glad about. Hope you also get a moment to sniff the flowers.

cunning plan

Mowing the lawn is one of the tasks that wears me down more than others as it requires preparation (clearing debris in the back)- I can't just do it when I find a spare five mins. It's also weather dependant and seemingly endless, as soon as I've done it and feel momentary satisfaction, I blink and it looks like it needs doing again. Last night whilst searching in the garage for large cardboard to make a canoe, I thought I'll just mow the front lawn whilst I'm at it, and in moments it was done. And so, my cunning plan to make my life easier is this. The front lawn is actually very do-able. It's the back and side strips that are harder. The trampoline we put up on Christmas eve has reduced the grass surface area I can reach at the side of the house. And I have just bought a massive swimming pool that will take up most of the back. I win "top mum" marks for a short while, AND I am rapidly running out of blades I need to mow - genius!

do be do be do

I've been thinking about being and doing again. I know we're not just what we do. But it seems so important. I might want to love people, but unless I actually put it into practice, what's the point? Conversely, i might want to shake some sense into someone if I'm feeling frustrated, but as long as I don't actually do it, that's OK.
A lovely friend lent me an ace book with meditations and thoughts in - I've already wept my way through the first couple of chapters, on love and longing. I think it's stirring me up so much cos it's very accepting of our messed up selves. I'd like to be a whole lot better/nicer/more loving/less grumpy than I am and I am finding the book helpful as it's reminding me that in spite of that I'm still loved and accepted and cherished. Today I'm still tired and teary and have lots of church things on. I think my I shall just aim to love and accept and cherish myself and everyone else I encounter today. I say "just" but actually I know it's easier said than done!!

You're never fully dressed without a scarf

My wee girly is starting High School in September. The uniform list came through yesterday and annoyingly all outerwear such as coats and scarves have to be black or navy. Of all the millions of scarves my daughter has, none are plain navy or black, and so out come my knitting needles. I'm enjoying it actually, as it's one way in which I can prepare myself for her moving up. It reminds me of how I spent a considerable chunk of my pregnancy, carefully decorating a nursery that she didn't sleep in for many months. There was way more potential for creativity with a bedroom than a plain scarf – I did a cityscape and all sorts. Then and now, it was an act of love, something to focus on whilst I mull over how life might change. If it weren't for the stipulation that it must be “plain”, I'd be adding sparkles and fluffiness, something to remind her of how precious she is, as she embarks on this latest adventure.

Of course, chances are it'll be lost within the first couple of days, so I'm not going to invest too much in it. But I really like knitting scarves for people I love – I guess it's a bit like people who like cooking for their beloveds, you pour your soul into it knowing it will soon be wrapped around the neck of someone who matter lots (tho the cooking goes down not round the necks). I'm very lucky to have a talented friend who has knitted me 2 pairs of socks, I wear them on days I feel might be challenging, and it's as if I have her love strengthening me from my toes upwards. Whatever our level of talents, it's good to use them to warm others. Hugs :D

opposites

A friend initiated me in the "exact opposites game" and my kids are currently having fun with it. Apparently the exact opposite of a Christian Aid balloon is a green Titanic; an antonym for ginger biscuits is a feather pillow and the opposite of a flower is Whizz's farts. Currently one of my favourite song lyrics is "The opposite of love is indifference". Conventionally of course, hate is seen as the antithesis of love. But my kids sometimes scream that they hate me and I know that they haven't stopped loving me. I do think that sometimes the intensity of our love can get confused with hate. I've felt love that has been so fierce it's burnt, as well as felt love in its gentler forms. I do think the opposite of love is when we are so numbed to our feelings that we just don't feel anything.
As you'll know, I don't really do indifference. It has, as usual, been a week of full on loving with the occasional bit of screaming. Today apart from just a bit of catch up collecting, we intend to hang out, maybe in our PJs. I hope whatever your weekend contains there is love in abundance.

Blimey!

Apparently 69 people read yesterday's blog instead of my usual faithful half dozen (hello!)  – wish I'd a made more of an effort now... and am feeling the pressure in case some come back today (hello to you too!).

I've been learning how we're rubbish at predicting how we're likely to feel in the future as we're too influenced by how we feel in the now. I can definitely relate to this – I find it hard to imagine packing for a variety of weathers rather than the type happening at that very moment. We also have skewed recall as to how we felt about things in the past. What is more reliable is the noticing of how we feel in the present – so one of the advantages of blogs, diary accounts and email conversations is that when we are honest in them, we then have a record of how we were feeling at that time. I sometimes deliberately make a note of how content/joyous/confident I feel so that I can then come back to re-read it when the doubts overwhelm, to remind me that it is possible for me to feel like that again as I have already done so, even if currently that's not how I feel.

So right now, I'm pretty good. I'd say I was nursing a heavy cold but truth is I'm not really nursing it, more cursing it, so need to be a little bit kinder to myself. I'm liking myself today, partly as a result of lots of recent acts of generosity, which is when I notice I like myself more. There are good things on the horizon, and people whom I love dearly are in my weekend in some shape or form (whether that's in my arms or on my facebook page). Hope you get to be in touch with how you are too – feel free to share – I like sharing :D

Petitioning

Last week I signed a petition requesting the image of Merida, the princess from Pixar film Brave, be kept as it is, rather than Disney-fied. Disney had changed the image on its website by making her thinner, bustier, removing her weapon, and prettifying her dress and hair. I'd not seen the film itself so asked to borrow the DVD from a friend. Unfortunately when she brought it round it was a blu ray so I wasn't able to watch it. But we still had a lovely chat. A couple of days later, a DVD arrived (I have such lovely friends) and I watched this wonderful film with my kids who get to see women being their own saviours rather than helpless in a tower awaiting their prince charming.

I've also been reading how apparently we more regret not taking action, being brave, than we regret things we do that don't turn out as we'd hope. Again, it seems it's all down to being brave, and kind.

Many others have signed the petition and Disney have now replaced the image back to the original. So, as a result of signing a petition I got to hang out with a friend, thoroughly enjoy a gift, and be part of a change for the better. Hmmm, maybe today I shall sign a petition for world peace...

http://rebeccahains.wordpress.com/2013/05/13/disney-faces-backlash/

we are all artists

Serendipity is one of my favourite words. And it feels serendipitous that I started reading a book I'd never have considered, except it was on my floor and so I did – I'm still finding it v v interesting and am reading it with a smile on my face as the style of the write just tickles my fancy nicely. It's been telling me all about how our mind fills in things as we can't possibly remember every detail of what happens – all the things we saw, felt, wore, said etc, so we remember the key bits and then later fill in the rest – except we don't realise we're doing this, we think we are recalling it all. I like this quote lots:

“Perceptions are portraits not photographs, and their form reveals the artists hand every bit as much as it reflects the things portrayed.”

Yesterday was full of frustrations but today is a new day. In creating what I see today, I shall try and make it as lovely and colourful as possible. Already I've had an unexpected gift through the post and the rain has stopped hammering so I might just squeeze in a brief bit of door knocking before heading off to work. I wish you rainbows in your artistry today too :D

disconnected

i have learned how to access the internet on my phone. however it is ky busiest week of the year anr i hadnt intended to kake it qny harder by needing to pearn new things. i cant easily edit as u can see. but i feel incredibly panicky when im not connected to mu loved ones. how did people stay close before the www?

happiness in all tenses

I can recommend following other people's New Year Resolutions :D My boyfriend's was to read more, and I'm managing that one very well. I'm not really finishing many of the books but that's fine, it's my life I can live it to suit my tastes/needs. An unexpected bonus of having a bedroom full of leftover stuff from the kid's fundraiser, is that I still have boxes of books I've not yet shifted to a charity shop - titles I'd never have chosen to have, it's like having my own library. Last night I stumbled upon "Stumbling on happiness" and thought I'd take a quick dip but am loving it!! A witty writer so I've been laughing out loud, but also really making me think. No need to beat myself up when I don't live in the present, we apparently spend an eighth of our life thinking of the future, and often with positive impact. Thinking about potential happenings can bring us joy, and apparently I'm going to learn much more about our desire for control so I shall report further when I've managed to read more. We make decisions that we think will please our future selves, and don't always predict well what will make us happy in the then as we are still in the now. I'm fascinated by the whole concept.
Today I shall hopefully find joy in the present, but am glad to realise that I can find joy in thinking about the future and remembering the past too. Hope you do too :D

the rhythm of life

Crying could be my olympic sport. Although i can't "make" it happen, like an actress could. So maybe it's not crying, maybe it's feeling I should have as my specialist event. Everyday, sometimes lots more than once, I shed tears or sob my socks off about something or another. Sometimes it's about grief I feel, sometimes it's sadness for others. When I was pregnant I even cried watching the London Marathon - people, running, to raise money for others!
Yesterday felt new even for me, when I realised I was so tired I could do nothing but cry. We'd been singing about not giving up the fight, we have only started. And I understand the song - it's a fabulous one about standing up to oppression, and I can relate to the song in many ways. But yesterday the idea that this might only be the start of the fight, that there are years of battle to come, overwhelmed me. I don't really do fighting - I'm a pacifist. I do stand up for injustice - campaigning can be seen as fighting. And I'm aware that of late I've been putting energy into defending myself - energy I'd much rather spend loving people. Maybe I need to reframe what's going on - that I'm loving myself and others and have no need to defend anyone - myself or others - we are, and we are good enough.
Today, after a 40 min wait in the rain to see my boy off on a cub adventure, I now have a day of just hanging out with my girly. I expect it will involve lots of cuddles and reading and massage and not much physical or mental exertion at all. Perfect.

kisses

I don't like being _this_ busy. Having to get up at daft-o-clock in order to have time to check facebook. Some may think my facebook addiction frivolous, but I think connecting with people is the most important thing we do. My new job entails leaving the house at the same time as the kids on a friday, so I need to be more organised than usual.
I shall be glad when next week is over - my busiest of the year, with Christian Aid Week, but also SATS tests which are raising the stress levels somewhat.
So far so moany. I read a list of things to do in a morning to set the tone for your day. It included kissing everyone in the household including pets. I often overlook the cat. I also read recently one of the fab advantages of a mum kissing her baby so frequently - her mouth then "samples" the germs on her baby's face and her body then produces the antibodies to those specific germs in her milk. We don't need scientific reasons to show affection, but it helped me marvel once more at mother nature. Wow :)

magic wand

"The purpose of the wand that has been handed to you is to cast a magic spell of hope on the world"
How often I wish for a magic wand, to make things better for others - and sometimes myself. I know there are no quick fixes or simple solutions. I might not have a magic wand, but I do have skills - listening, being alongside, and offering hope. I think the hope comes when we have had our fears heard so they no longer drag our eyes downwards, but we can be freed to see things again in a different light when we had been cloaked in fear so hadn't been able to notice all that is good. Sometimes we need people to help us refocus, not just to listen, but to stay there, pointing out the joys that we have lost sight of. It's not magic. But when we get given that help, it can feel like magic. I think we all have wands and choose to use them often, or leave them locked in a forgotten drawer. I have mine at the ready today - tho have so much to do I could do with a broomstick too (my car is back at the garage. how much hassle can one pothole cause??!!). Hope you get to use your magic wand lots today.

one starfish at a time

I must never start smoking. I'd find it impossible to give up. I'm lucky enough to not have to worry constantly about dieting – I did try once to restrict what I ate and I obsessed about food every minute of the day. I'm not very good at denying myself something cos it's like I then can't stop thinking about it. I stood in a supermarket this weekend trying to resist some Nestle cookies. I've been boycotting Nestle products for more years than I have fingers and toes. But I was really tempted. I didn't get them in the end and the item I chose instead was yummy. So maybe I can do denial. Thinking this all through made me sad tho. I mainly think I'm living the life I want to, but I did wonder last night what if I did have a day when I broke all my rules. Eat matchmakers and munchies and after eights for breakfast. Have a McDonalds that ranks so highly in my memory of teenage pleasures. Read my book DURING DAYLIGHT HOURS. Phone for hours on end my friends that I no longer talk to. I can sometimes wonder if the decisions I make that restrict me really make any difference – I'm just the one person. But then I remember about the starfish.
https://eventsforchange.wordpress.com/2011/06/05/the-starfish-story-one-step-towards-changing-the-world/

intermingled

I was awoken this morning by what sounded like my house humming a beautiful monotonous note. It was probably the water being heated, but I did wonder if it was indeed the house - last week it's previous owner died, and I wondered if the house knows this. I wonder if our life, our presence, imbues places with parts of ourselves, just as we impact on other people when we meet. Like we are a recipe in which other people are key ingredients. All the bonding that we do, however slight or deep, helps make us who we are and I'm grateful for that.
During my postgrad studies, I thought a lot about sacred space and what marks some places out as holy. I'm often overawed when I contemplate how say a tree I walk under has "seen" millions of others walk under it; how a piece of concrete has been passed over by a myriad of types of shoes throughout all kinds of changing history. And I don't even do history as a general rule - my least favourite subject at school, possibly because it involved the rote learning of a string of monarchs - what is interesting about that? And yet I guess I do do history - I'm fascinated by what shapes us into who we are in the now. I spent a very pleasurable afternoon yesterday looking through photos with my boyfriend's mum. I hope today you get to celebrate who you are and all who brought you to the now. I need to go to my new job ;)

sweets

There was lots of fascinating symbolism at the wedding. There was a big emphasis on it being the joining of two families and not just two individuals. I liked that tho wonder how it might work out in practice - families are such diverse bodies!! My favourite part in the Christian wedding services I've been to is when the whole congregation gets to join in and affirm their part in helping the couple. Maybe it's cos I take so much responsibility for stuff. Maybe it's cos I like it when everyone gets to join in. My favourite bit yesterday was when the couple shared mini sweets with each other to symbolise the sweetness of life. I didn't have to make any commitment, tho i felt very honoured to have been part of the celebrations.
I did find it hard. Especially when married women went to whisper blessings in the brides ear - it took me a moment to remember I'm not eligible. It's really hard not to feel a failure. Still, I can recognise those feelings and keep trying to move on. Life is still sweet, and at times very sweet, so I shall continue to celebrate that. Sweeties anyone?

Bonding

I really need to get on and make myself that “now” clock – yesterday I lived mainly in the past and felt sad about the future. Tho I did manage to play with my kids a bit and start that jigsaw I didn't manage at Easter. We went somewhere that triggered all kinds of memories and I got stuck. Places can do that.

I'm going to a wedding today – the first time I've been to one as a guest since my husband left. I've been to two singing with my choir and found those very hard. But today is a Hindu wedding and so I imagine it will not have the same moments of pain as I expect there won't be the same triggers. I'm looking forwards to it – a celebration of love is a good thing.

My latest novel is just as fab as I thought it would be. One of the reasons I enjoy this fantasy world so much is the way love in many forms is displayed. Characters communicate and bond with each other, but also communicate and bond with animals and ships. I really like the concept of being connected over space, and of keeping some connection even after death. Communicating love and bonding are important to me as you'll know. The severing of a bond is really really hard, whether it's a friend moving away, a death, or a marriage coming to an end. Let's hope I don't cry too much today...

i had a dream

a dream in which everyone got on. there was shared laughter. everyone was equally welcome, everyone knew they were wanted, everyone joined in.
as always, i shall keep on trying to make my dreams reality.

everyone here is tired and not fully well, so more likely to be grumpy than sharing in laughter. But we don't have much planned for today, so hopefully getting on won't be impossible.

i know that sometimes to be real, we have to share how we have been hurt before we can move forwards. but time is so short - yesterday i discovered i could move forwards as there was no time to show the hurt - the shiny surface might be scuffed but it is still shiny so I can choose to focus on how bright it is rather than the imperfections. I've discovered that in all my relationships this is a more fun way to exist. But I know it's not always possible - sometimes I want to point out the scuffs, the hurts, and seek some kind of acknowledgment of it, or apology. Maybe this is what patience is - knowing that I don't need for wrongs to be righted before I can move on, cos one day it won't matter.

Touched

Yesterday I walked past a couple of older women chatting, one on the park bench, the other facing in her wheelchair. One seemed to be mainly listening and they were holding hands in that way that we do when we're offering someone our full attention and love. It's how we often sit in co-counselling, the hand offered to connect. It reminded me how the other week I drove past a man and a woman, who I would surmise were strangers, who had had a bump in their cars. The woman was visibly shaken and the man was holding her arm in comfort.

Both these observations have moved me cos it shows that the world I want to live in does exist. There are people who are reaching out to others, physically as well as emotionally. Those people have no idea how inspired I am by them – the little things we do can ripple out unobserved, whether it uplifts or damages.

There are so many people I love that I can't touch – we live in a time where it's not unusual to have friends all over the world. Someone important to me is facing something hard without me this weekend and I've suggested they imagine they are being hugged even when they are not being in real life. She has a good imagination so hopefully she'll be fine. But that power of touch is immense. I've blogged before on how we can use it to good effect. I shall today again be looking for opportunities to touch strangers ;)

blur

See that lime green blur? That'll be me, being dragged by the dog, dashing back from taking the car to be fixed so it passes it's MoT this time (bloomin pothole), Christian Aid bag in my other hand so I can drop that off for a collector, 3 tasks achieved in the one walk,  to be back before my 10am appointment.

Yesterday in my haste (or too long trousers) I fell over and grazed my knee. Today I'm in different trousers and will try to remember it's not the haste, or the speed that matters. Getting to the end of the day having crossed off everything on my to do list will be pointless if i've trampled over others on the way. It's ALL about the relationships and the being not the doing. So I've been outside and touched the grass and been grateful, and will continue to focus on the love and not the tasks in all my busyness today.