bambi

I think the first film I ever saw at the cinema was bambi. My Mum took me when I was young, I don't know how old.
I've not seen it again since, until last night. I now wonder if a lot of my take on life can be attributed to the impact of this film? An outrage at the way humans destroy nature. Empathy, and fear of loss.
It was a family filled lovely day with no less than 4 walks and an exciting dash to go and catch sight of a sunset.
I realize I don't do much that is spontaneous, there always seems so much to juggle. I'm also aware it takes me a while to relax and am sad that it's looking less likely that I'll get any length of holiday this year. It seems to put pressure on making the most of the days away I've already got booked. Tho making the most of everyday sounds like a good plan doesn't it.

lovely day

My mum loves this view. It's what can be seen from their bathroom window. it has changed a bit over time. When i was little there were no houses opposite .

The dog has not given up impatience for lent. So ive already taken him out for a short walk whilst my breakfast is being cooked

Its a gorgeous day so i will be out again soon.

biodegrading

There was a carrier bag at the bottom of my washbasket - I'm not sure how long it has been there, but it has disintegrated into tiny pieces - I presume it is biodegrading.

It's been a trying few days and I feel a bit shredded myself. I was pleased that I was able to discuss my thoughts and feelings at length in our book group meeting and didn't get at all upset. We had one interesting discussion about seeing people in a different light once we we're dead and could see things from their perspective. I wonder if that does indeed happen? I suspect once were gone we no longer will care about the things that cause us anxieties now. 

An important aspect of my belief is that I think God sees my every flawed attempt at living and loving and is pleased. I try really hard to do this with others, I don't always manage it, but it's my intention. I can find it hard - and unjust - when people don't think the best of other people (including myself!!) so draw comfort from the thought that maybe one day people will get that realisation - ahhh they were doing their best in that moment, I never realised they were trying to juggle this, that and the other (these might be feelings, pain, circumstances). And of course I have no real idea what other people are up against, maybe I'll one day get better clarity as to why someone was choosing to say or do something that I found hurtful/unjust. For now all I can do is keep assuming that there are reasons why people act as they do, and as I have no idea of the concerns they are carrying (unless they want to unload a bit of them with me - some do, some don't), keep trusting that they too are doing their lovely best. There is so much potential for misunderstanding each other as the glimpses we get into other people's realities is so brief - but we can try our best :)

... New fire here in dufton. May do pic tomorrow.

knowing I already have it all :)

I would say I'm mainly a "glass half full" kind of person. Some days I can be a "wow, look how much is in my glass and then there's all this awesome air on top and that contrast is amazing!" And other days I can be "how come it's always down to me to keep checking on my glass".

I love this quote:

"The secret to having it all is knowing you already do."

What I've noticed is the days I feel most content and less overwhelmed is when I'm able to focus on what I have, rather than what I don't have. The days I'm not comparing my glass, or to be honest, even thinking about my glass.

A combination of no sleep last night, and a streaming cold, means I don't think today is going to be my 24 hours without complaining. Complaining definitely has it's place - the more our heads and hearts are full of concerns, the more we have to get rid of them so we can think clearly again so we can work out how we want to move forwards. Complaining and being heard is one way of doing that clearing out. But I also know that what we focus on is what we see, and so it's good for me to keep my eyes on all that is lovely. I'm glad that tonight's busyness is less brain dependent than the last two evenings, and today I will definitely do some resting.

not dismissing anyone

I have seen an interesting challenge on facebook - to not complain - at all - for 24 hours. My immediate thought was I'd have to pick my day carefully. I suspect that's not the point. Tomorrow there's an issue I need to raise at work that may be seen as a complaint tho I don't know I'd see it that way. So I wonder if I could start as soon as I've raised that?

It will be another long day at work, out of the house way before I'd like to be, hence me posting this now. Some days I manage more compassion than others (tho all days I try). I really like this thought provoking quote from the marvellous Henri Nouwen. I'm not one for throwing things away, or walking away from folk who are not the way I'd perhaps like them to be. Just like I'm grateful to those who know that I too, have plenty of weaknesses, but that rejection isn't the way we build community. Sometimes tho it's not easy, hey?

Not Breaking the Bruised Reeds

Some of us tend to do away with things that are slightly damaged. Instead of repairing them we say: "Well, I don't have time to fix it, I might as well throw it in the garbage can and buy a new one." Often we also treat people this way. We say: "Well, he has a problem with drinking; well, she is quite depressed; well, they have mismanaged their business...we'd better not take the risk of working with them." When we dismiss people out of hand because of their apparent woundedness, we stunt their lives by ignoring their gifts, which are often buried in their wounds.

We all are bruised reeds, whether our bruises are visible or not. The compassionate life is the life in which we believe that strength is hidden in weakness and that true community is a fellowship of the weak.

Henri Nouwen

And then some lovely before and after pics:
http://gu.com/p/46kb9/fb

spike/surge/cut

Twice last night the power momentarily went out - not enough to reset my new oven clock, but enough to switch off the computers. Losing power always worries me as it also means I lose contact - my landline and internet are all electricity reliant. I still don't know if it was a spike or a cut, but I'm hoping it was just temporary.

I'm still feeling down. I know I need to let go of other people's reactions to me. Several times recently I've seen a really good quote (tho of course now can't find it!!) about how if we're kind because we are expecting a kind response then it's actually like a business transaction rather than a genuine act of kindness. So I can't control other people's gratitude and if I'm doing things only cos I want that gratitude then what does it say about me anyway? And chances are there are tons of examples that other people have when I wasn't as grateful as they'd have liked.

The other quote I really like at the moment is from Rumi: "the beauty you see in me is a reflection of you." I know I say things along these lines a lot (tho not as eloquently as Rumi) - I definitely agree what we see is a lot of what we are looking for. Today I'm going to be looking for the beauty in others. What are you going to be looking for today?

monday monday

I usually like Mondays but today is a struggle. I'm not even really sure why so that makes it hard to remedy.
Full marks to the friend who used the phrase "she's a credit to you", I felt very affirmed in that - someone reading my blogs and applying their learning ;)


I'm working my way through my to do list and received a really brief email that brought tears. I'm trying to get sorted for Christian Aid Week and one of the folk I contacted replied with a simple "I'm still here". The truth is lots and lots and lots of people are still here, it just sometimes doesn't feel the case. So I get to focus on how I'm not organising it on my own, there is lots of local support. Just like I'm not actually parenting in isolation, or doing anything at all on my own - when it feels like I am that's an old feeling and not a present reality.


My hob already seems to have an unremovable mark on it. But I have just made a soup for a mere 8p. I've used half a 16p tin of mushy peas and watered it down and squished the peas and hey presto, a very cheap and also nutritious lunch.

My boyfriend had come over and is once again trying to work out why my computer is slow. Apparently my browser had 1099 problems. That's even more than me!!