be careful what you wish for ;)

I was so proud of my toilet seat sorting yesterday I quipped that I should perhaps seek a new career as a plumber. Does this mean I only have myself to blame for discovering today that there is a quantity of water in the kitchen sink cupboard? My girly has had a non-stop bake-off these last couple of days so I can't get anywhere near the kitchen yet, but my task for the morning will be to empty that out, clean it, identify and tackle source of water, then re-order the cupboard. Actually, best make it the task for the whole weekend :)

Meanwhile I've moved onto "feel the fear and do it anyway" and am pleased to report that in the main, I do. I think it's really useful to conclude that we're not really different from other people - we can imagine that other people are not as worried as we are about things like rejection, mistake making, death, etc - and that if only we could get over our fear, we like them could do That Thing, whatever It might be, like reach out to others, or take a risk at work, or speak on a stage. And actually we don't have to get over anything, It will still be there, but we could decide that whatever happens, we will handle It, so best to get on and do it rather than live smaller in fear of It.

Should you ever want to borrow any of these books, just ask :)

Jill of all trades

Amongst the many and various tasks to do today is dealing with a broken toilet seat. Let's see how that goes. I know I can't be good at everything. I'm expecting the fitting of the new one to be ok. It'ss the removal of the old one that's testing my strength/patience
Every day is different tho...

it's not about the money, money, money

I'm still loving my book on dancing with life and think I'm better able to be in touch with the gratitude as a result :) I was asked today what I'd do with my life if I didn't have to worry about money and I said I'd be doing pretty much exactly what I'm doing now. Why would I let money influence the joy and satisfaction I get from my life? I don't work for the money (clearly, I don't bring in a massive amount). The things that I choose to do in my life are based round whether I think they are worth doing or not - I'm not going to get another go at living my life so want to get it right for me this time round!
Today that has involved some lovely things, like eating a black forest trifle, playing some word games, chatting in the street with people, and buying incredibly heavy ingredients for my girly to make cakes later (3kg flour, 2 kg of various sugars, etc etc). I'm balancing out days where I've spent more time working and volunteering, and this is how I'd choose to live my weeks if money was no object.
I hope you too are enjoying your one wild and precious life. If you're not living it the way you want, maybe you could have a think about what is stopping you? :D

unseen

There's lots to love about the new boiler, the way it has turned the shower into something hot and powerful, the wifi control from my room. It's not been cold enough yet to use the heating and therein lies an unexpected problem. I hadn't realised just how much the old hot water tank did. It never really felt warm so I didn't think it really did anything, but I now understand that it was drying things out unseen. Since it's been gone, the clothes are no longer drying when hung on the rack in the bathroom, and the towels are permanently sodden. Once the heating is in use I think this problem will be solved but in this interim time when outside is too misty to hang wet clothes, and too warm to put on the radiators, I might need another solution so might look into a dehumidifier - not an expensive electric gadget, more a little box of absorbing crystals?

This morning's post included some unexpected chocolate, won when my name was randomly drawn from all those who volunteered on the helpline last month. This was a delight in itself but also came with little butterfly stickers on the envelope... tiny gestures matter a lot when they show that thought and care has gone in. I will think how to pass on the love...

Church family

There's lots I find challenging about being single. Being part of my church family isn't one of those things. It's an area that I think the church can do really well in. I'm aware it doesn't happen in some places, where there can be an over emphasis on families, and couplehood, but I personally have really appreciated my church who currently are putting on a wide range of social events open to everyone. This is partly to fundraise, but I think the social aspect is huge. It was great to go to a barn dance last night, knowing I didn't have a partner to dance with ( despite a whole day of texts with various locals) and not fretting about it cos I knew there would be people to dance with. And I didn't have to cook!
There are Fri cinema nights I don't get to because of my choir. And a range of other opportunities to hang out with people over coffee or some kind of activity. For people without partners as well as those with them, what a brilliant chance to feel less lonely by being in community.

Mindfully cleaning my teeth

I've skipped a couple of days blogging as every spare moment has been taken up with planning a trip to Rome. There's still much to arrange but at least the flights are booked. Now I just need to stop dilly dallying over which air bnb is right.
It means I've not been reading either (except for the travel guide to Italy) but tonight managed a couple more chapters. I have been reminded how we can actually enjoy any mundane activity if we approach it mindfully, so cleaning my teeth tonight was an enhanced experience!
Try it!

soup season

I love autumn, and was pleased to learn my girly loves it in part for the soups. There's currently a stew in the slow cooker although that now might be tomorrow's tea cos I was unable to resist an amazing focaccia in the prison farm shop that I think would go nicely with maybe a cauliflower and macaroni cheese bake.
Somehow I fell out of the habit of going to the prison farm shop. I love it there, with its zero food miles and friendly people and cheap prices. Having not been in years, I went on friday and then again today. It's an hour round trip on foot if combining it with collecting a parcel from the sorting office, but means I've also walked the dog. I wonder if I could do a weekly cycle there, tho couldn't fit a focaccia in my backpack...

Gong bath

Like a lot of things, you really had to be there, my trying to describe the gong bath will not do it justice. It entails lying on the floor with other folk and then various instruments are played and your body absorbs those sounds. I found the gongs in particular were amazing. The sounds impacted differently, at times it felt like angels were singing in an underwater cavern. And there were other moments when it felt like I was on a runway! I have felt really chilled out since and would definitely go again. I'm investigating other options tho cos I don't want to miss singing to go.

winning at life

I want to try and spot more often the moments when I feel I'm winning at life. One is when I've already planned the meals for the day so that isn't hanging over me. That's such a quick win - maybe this weekend I could sit down and plan the whole week's meals and feel really good all week? I didn't have a bag in my pocket unusually yesterday, so when I made an unscheduled shop drop-in for cream cakes I picked up a few bits for tonight's tea but had to juggle them home. Should have bought fewer cream cakes. I might be able to resist adverts, but I can't resist offers such as 2 packs for £2. And I didn't get red lentils cos there's always red lentils in. Only of course there isn't. There is a lifetime's supply of yellow ones that need eating by November tho so now I have the challenge of finding something I can make with them for tea instead of my favourite tomato and lentil soup.

I also feel like I'm winning when I've remembered that love is the purpose. When I've managed a balance of hard work, play, giving, staying connected. When the laundry basket is empty and I've used the solar power to make it that way. When my kids both have their lunches for school. When I've finally got round to doing that tiny task that has needed doing in ages. Little things.

When do you feel you're winning at life?

Slow healing

I've just read this timely quote in a book of meditations I've been given:

"We should learn not to grow impatient with the slow healing process of time. We should discipline ourselves to recognise that there are many steps to be taken along the highway leading from sorrow to renewed serenity... We should anticipate these stages in our emotional convalescence: unbearable pain, poignant grief, empty days, resistance to consolation, disinterestedness in life,  gradually giving way... to the new weaving of a pattern of action and the acceptance of the irresistible challenge of life"
Joshua Loth Liebman

Whilst I'm not a fan of words like should and discipline, I like the honesty here.
I'm not patient and I quickly forget. I was so pleased to hear that an unanticipated bonus of the new boiler is a much improved shower experience (greater water pressure now it's not coming from the cold water tank). When my kids are happy I am happy. And so for a few hours I felt like I was getting things right and doing ok. And than all too quickly I stumble again and feel like I've made no progress at all. This quote reassures me that it's not just me, as well as that things will eventually get better.

What if everything is ok?

I'm loving so much of my dancing with life book I keep wanting to share bits, but it's perhaps best read yourself? Last night's liberating concept was to keep asking what if this all was all right. Not easy to accept as someone who frets, I'm usually asking "is this not enough?"Or "is this too much?" Today I'm going to try a different question :-)

How many tins of beans?

The book on dancing with life is great, I particularly like the exhortation "when it starts to rain, let it!" What a reminder that we imagine we can control external stuff when all we really can do is consider our reaction :-)
 I've got a way to go until I'm fully living it, but will re-read it if necessary! Meanwhile I find my brain casts about for quick fixes. I momentarily consider taking up smoking, that seems to work for some people. (Those of you who know me will testify I'll never take up smoking). As a reward for saving the nhs money by my not smoking, I've spent the cost of 4 packets of cigarettes on this instead:

http://www.knockonwood.co.uk/prod/TK-singing-bowl.htm?sid=235&

 As a student I used to consider costs of items in relation to how many tins of beans were equivalent. This new cost comparison allows for much bigger treats :-) tomorrow is the start of the new boiler being fitted. I won't add up how many beans that is. It will be a lot of cosy nights and morning's, yay!!

Shelter

The geographer in me is drawn to news stories about extreme weather. I'm glad that the guardian wrote a good piece on the different impact a hurricane can have depending on how wealthy you are. As hurricane Irma reaches Florida, having already caused devastation in the Caribbean, I feel very grateful for my home, shelter, and climate. I'm horrified that evacuation orders don't take into account those who can't fund fuel or alternative accommodation, and whilst it's good to hear of churches providing refuge, I can't imagine how scary it must be waiting for the storm to pass over.

Good vibrations

Fallen in love again today. This time with a singing bowl. Maybe i'll purchase one. Maybe i'll start prioritising getting to a gong bath, I rather think I'd enjoy one, being surrounded by healing sounds is just my kind of thing. I've done my body good today. Had a boogie and a play at the rhythm jam as well as feeling the resonance of the bowl when I got it singing. Then tonight's gospel gig was a one of our finest.

All I have to do

There are two things I know I need to be doing at the moment. I actually think they are things that we all really should be doing all of the time. They sound easy and yet I'm finding them tricky.

1. Stay present. Being in the present is actually the only place we can be, but the pull is immense to worry about the future or dredge over the past. As soon as my mind moves away from the now I wobble. I'm trying really hard to arrange as much as I can to keep me present, it's when we're in our flow. I manage this when I'm working, and when I'm singing with others. Music on my own is much harder so I find it difficult driving anywhere with the radio or cds. And spending time on my own is just challenging.  I'd hoped to do a whole day of drumming tomorrow but it's been cancelled so will have to motivate myself to do something else in the morning, then there's a rhythm jam and a choir gig later. Trying to counter the loneliness can feel like a full time task, I dont know how to see it as an opportunity instead of a battle.

2. Looking after ourselves. What would the world look like if we all were kind to ourselves, met our needs and were balanced and content? Why do we struggle so much to care well for our body/ mind/spirit? I'm aware that there's a whole lot of things I could do that would be good for me right now - phone a friend, pick up the inspirational book, get an early night. Instead I've consumed lots of chocolate, so the sugar hinders rather than helps.

I know what I need to do. It's the putting it into practice that's not so easy.

basket

I should have taken a photo of my shopping basket contents for you - I am very proud. Looking at it, you've never have guessed how miserable I have felt today, not a cake, biscuit or chocolate in sight. Instead you'd have exclaimed, "my there's a woman who knows how to look after herself!" on spotting the hummus and pitta and veg and fruit and probiotic yoghurt.

Looking after myself isn't actually quite as easy as you'd think, but I do give it a good go.

The last couple of books I've started haven't been what I needed but I think I might have now but on a winner. By the same author of "feel the fear and do it anyway" (which I also should read) this one is entitled "end the struggle and dance with life: how to build yourself up when the world gets you down". Loving it so far, all about connecting with our higher selves so we can feel the joy whatever our external circumstances. I shall keep you posted!

enough hands to hold

You already know how much I love Greenbelt. This year was one amazing thing after another for me, and there was so much I didn't go to, other people will have had very different experiences too. The first full day had such a range of wonderfulness, beginning with worship from the womb in the red tent, ending with singing in Urdu and Hindi that took me beyond midnight. In between I learned new songs, went belly dancing, shared brownies in the sunshine, watched an incredible one man performance of Paradise Lost incorporating interpretive dance and fell in love with a very present Jewish priestess.

One of the aspects I appreciate most of all is the tangible love - the love from old friends, the love from strangers in toilet queue, the love from new friends, the love from those performing and stewarding, the love I find I seem more capable of showing whilst there. I often bring some of this back with me and the world is definitely brighter after.

There are other great reviews too if you want to read, like this
http://www.pipwilson.com/2017/09/a-stunning-reflection-on-greenbelt.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+pipwilsonbhp+%28Pip+Wilson+bhp+......+blog%29

I know this has been a few days coming. Initially I wanted to add a link to a song from Sound of the Sirens. I'd not planned to see them but old friends were there so I went for a listen and caught a lyric that keeps giving me encouragement, that there will always be enough hands to hold. I can't find the song on the internet tho. Also my emotions are rollercoastery at the moment, sometimes I feel keen to share. Other times my confidence plummets and I notice myself cut myself off despite the wonderful network of support I have. The hands will always be there but sometimes reaching for them isn't so simple.

Spoiled

 I'm enjoying getting lots of good wishes this morning and instead of feeling lonely it's nice to have time alone to reply to everyone. So many people want me to have a special day. Birthdays are good for that. And I've seen a timely piece on how we can sometimes feel a sense of entitlement that can get in the way of appreciating the what is, in every day. I'm grateful to have several people in my life that for whatever reason seem to unintentionally spark ideas in me. The entitlement thinking came from one such friend. It's especially easy on my birthday to feel a sense of entitlement. I feel the kids ought to not fall out; I could get sad about making my own brews.

Another comment has also got me thinking - I like how my brain can pick out a word and then race with thoughts. So one wish is that I'm spoiled today. I totally get what the intention is there - they know that appreciation and care matter and hope I get to feel them in abundance today. Birthdays are a fab device for getting to focus on those we know and love that would just be impossible to do with everyone year round. So much as I would like to send a personal greeting every single day to everyone wishing them a brilliant day and reminding them how much they matter, I just can't do that. I wonder how we could create that daily vibe tho? I've not yet finished the blog I started about greenbelt. Whilst there I was really able to feel the love - from strangers, old friends, new friends, God. We're certainly not spoiled if we get to bask in that feeling frequently - it's how I wish we could all live!

I guess there's also something in the concept of being spoiled where excess is a possibility. That whole entitlement cos its my birthday thing again. That I could break out from my usual habits that frequently involve a certain degree of self denial, so for example, I could choose a drink other than tap water. Or more likely, have that extra cake or 3! And yet I don't want to spoil, as in go off, or be spoiled, as in that person who because of their sense of entitlement thinks they are more important than anyone else. So I'll be mindful of that. Whilst revelling in the outpouring of love. Hope you can feel the love too, even if today is not your birthday so maybe people are less likely to remind you how strong it really is.
Xx

Soft focus?

Today I need to be focussed. But already that sounds harsh. I need to be as gentle with myself as I manage with others.
There are people coming tomorrow. People who love me and if anyone was judgy about the lack of tidyness and cleanliness, that would be up to them. Nonetheless I would prefer to welcome them in to a cleaner tidier version of my home, especially as some have never been before.
I'm already a bit wobbly, birthdays are times when it's easy to think about what could have been or used to be. It wouldn't take much for me to feel overwhelmed - every time I look up I see the extent of what could be tidied, cleaned. So I need to focus on one tiny aspect at a time. If I keep my focus soft I don't have to do everything at once, and I don't have to be mean to myself. Softly, softly.

... OK, so maybe focus just isn't my skill set. I have made some great progress in lots of areas rather than a sustained effort in one. The current result of which is of course chaos. But there's still plenty of the day left...

...And I'm finally calling it a day. I'm proud of some of the differences. And concede I probably need an industrial strength cleaner on some parts so that will need revisiting at another time.

We can do hard things

I've just ordered Glennon Doyle's love warrior book, that has the strapline "we can do hard things". I feel I've had to do a few hard things recently and it's excruciating, it will be fab to get some encouragement from reading the book. It will also increase my pile of books I'm looking forward to reading. Maybe I'll curl up with them on Sunday afternoon. It will be my birthday, I as yet have no plans and the weather forecast is rubbish, so my vague notions of taking my son and dog on an exciting walk, or going for ice cream, are not necessarily a goer. Of course I could do another hard thing and put out there an open invitation for people to come join me to watch some dvds from my childhood (bod, the flumps, that kind of thing), but it's a gamble cos if no one comes I will have to deal with that rejection. And I would have to check we still have something to play dvds on.  Hmmm, decisions. I'm not keen on them.

So I went for it. I tend to opt for what's hard rather than easy, and feel the feelings anyway. So far I have no-one definitely able to come. So yup, it's hard. Got to keep the faith tho.