never can say goodbye

I think it is going to be another difficult week. Today is the final meeting for my (2nd) job. We're going for cake, but I ate so much yesterday I may just have a cup of tea.
I actively avoided cake, choosing a lovely tomato and mushroom barm instead. (Then had a cream and jam filled scone as soon as I got home...)
There's a time for cake and a time for a sensible lunch. A time to grin and a time to feel sad cos things just are sad.

scriptwriter

Having tiredly watched a chat show just before bed, I guess its no big surprise that guest Tom Huddleston then had a leading role in my dream, my very own comedy. On waking at daft o clock and reviewing this hilarious tale, I can't recall anything funny whatsoever. Maybe you had to be there.
Meanwhile I'm feeling the pressure of writing a eulogy. It's an honour to write and and feels a massive responsibility - a feeling I seem to be getting from all directions right now. I could do with doing something deliberately silly today to counter the heaviness.

I've planned what I'm going to wear to the funeral - the suggestion is for bright colours rather than black, and I will look a bit like a daffodil, no bad thing as it's st David's day. No silliness but i did suggest our light meal of the day to be afternoon tea with a selection of cakes. And the eulogy is done, one of the time consuming bits was picking the font before printing. I went for oxygen in the end, no irony intended.

nobody's fault (including mine)

Was good to sing and be surrounded by lovelies, I could really feel the love. I had to ask what one friend was doing tho, and he explained he was holding up an invisible placard that read "everything is ok". I have rewritten one of the songs tho (see title).

(Here's the invisible placard)




I slept badly and will try and offload more today, its been helpful to share snippets but I need to be fully heard so will phone a friend today. And maybe have a read in the bath too :-)
A friend suggested I just needed to let go, which whilst the ultimate aim, belies the fact they don't have the full picture. I feel its like going on a test skydive and discovering your parachute doesn't work. You don't just let go anyway, you return to base and get help fixing the parachute.
maybe not today tho. Today is catch up day and the washing isnt going to put itself out.
Grateful for the humour of friends :-)

where the deer and the antelope play

I have found this to be one of the most stressful weeks ever. Looking after my mum has been fine. It is the parenting from a distance that has felt impossible. It will be good to get back to them, and already I'm reflecting on what I would try differently if I have to leave them again.
I could really do with hugs and singing tonight but will have to see. Having been away a while there will be lots I need to catch up on.
Yay, looks like I will get to sing - hurrah!!

lift

As the fog lifts it is beautiful. Hoping that works as a metaphor today as well as a weather report. Here's the view from the loo.

I've enjoyed going to bed at 930 even tho I have still been sorting things rather than relaxing at that point.

now you see it, now you don't!

The light was amazing yesterday evening so I bobbed out to take some photos (I'm worried about using up all my dad's data allowance so won't share til i get home ). The fells were lit up and there were vertical stripes of cloud approaching at a rate of knots. Knock pike, which had been illuminated and standing out in the glow suddenly disappeared and I realised whatever was on its way would engulf me soon, so I turned around and scarpered, managing one last pic of Dufton pike as that too was shrouded.

I'm hoping mum will be well enough today for me to take her to her favourite snowdrop patch. I've had instructions but its not something you can type into your sat nav so we will have to see.

No trips out for snowdrops so have been on the back door step to look at the clouds.

keep the home fires burning

I wonder if a point will come when i start to relax, or if that will only be when I get home and know that I succeeded in taking care of everything? I'm in my favourite place, I wonder if there is anything I can do to relax sooner than when I've left it. Its hard to be present if I'm constantly worried about elsewhere, so I do need to trust that they will cope without my endless check ins.
Here, I have surprised myself by managing to keep the fire in overnight as requested. The cat seems content enough with my level of care. My challenge for today is to move from feeling responsible to I ideally actively enjoying myself.

I have spent the morning sorting sheds loads of recycling. This is not much of a chore when your work environment looks like this :-)

left to their own devices

I like to feel like I'm in control (even when a bit of an illusion). It will be tricky not to worry when I'm not here to see what is going on. Trust can be so hard. As a friend said, it's no biggie if teeth aren't cleaned for a week (except we're going to the dentist the minute I get back Friday afternoon). There's always the phone and text, I can send reminders that way ;). I'm going to miss music this week will have to think what I can do about that - yay, I've managed to get spotify onto my tablet (it's not the same as on my computer, no discovery playlist which is what i seem to mainly use nowadays) so will have music after all :)

There's lots to look forward to - I should see the cat who is usually well out of sight when I'm there with the dog, and it will be great to have so much quality time with my mum. But first there's still some work commitments to try and hand over, cheques to write. Etc etc. Plan is to head off around 4pm so I get to see kids again before I go.

We started a new song on Friday and it is shocking really how I make up my own version - the one I know (or clearly don't) is by Shaft, whereas now I have listened to other versions I think the lyrics are clearer there (or maybe that's cos I now know what I'm listening for?) - there's lots of metaphors to be taken from this!!

So, my more energetic version always went like this:
When the - when the - rhythms start to play dance with me, make me sweat

And actually it's a more gentle:
When marimba rhythms start to play, dance with me, make me sway

Who knew? (well everyone else, who must have been listening to Buble)!!

So far so good...

juggle juggle marimba juggle

After the high of yesterday's dancing and drumming all afternoon, today I'm more anxious. Tomorrow afternoon I head back to Dufton to care for my mum for a few days. I've packed some jigsaws for us to do together (and a book for me during the soaps ) but I'm not totally convinced about my ability to be a full time carer. I might have to phone home for instructions as to how to cook meat. And I'm a bit worried about how I will juggle things should I get the new job as i now won't be carrying forward any holiday to play with. I'm aware I also like to be in charge of things at home and wonder how they will cope without me.
Everything will work out eventually, it always does.

important safety message

There was an important safety announcement at the counter EDL community celebration. We were advised how we are all much safer when we stand together rather than divided :D I am SOOOOOOOOOO glad I went. It was very wet but I danced nonetheless and ate cake and thanked some of the many police officers present. One said it was the friendliest demo he had attended. I was glad I'd taken my daughter - for me there is always a doubt as to whether I might be exposing ourselves to danger when we stand up for something important. And there was no danger, there was lots of love and hugs and drumming and solidarity and appreciation.
Will see if I can find you a link :)

when you know you are not on your own

There's a friend at choir who shares a mutual concern and so the times I see him I spend maybe two minutes giving an update. He listens well, gives an encouraging hug, and just the act of sharing leaves me feeling lots better. (It's also one of the reasons I blog. Its good to know others are aware of some of what is going on for me rather than keeping it to myself). Last night he commented that I was in good spirits despite a terrible week and I replied that I was feeling good and have had far worse weeks. This got me reflecting, as it's true, a bereavement and facing redundancy are two major life stressors so I could have been feeling much worse. Many people this week have asked me how I'm doing and I've genuinely replied that I'm doing well. Of course I'm grieving for my grandma, and I am anxious about work, but they are not the overriding feelings. The weeks I have felt worse have been those when I have been overwhelmed with isolation. This week I have not felt on my own. I've made lots of contact with both family and friends.
Were all very different and so other tactics will work for you that wouldn't for me. But its really useful for me to notice just how key it is for me to be in contact with people. Hope you get to do whatever is useful for you when times are tough.

A friend has just posted a clip - you'll have to imagine it - a child clinging to a horizontal bar in some water, terrified they are about to drown, when along comes someone who helps them put their feet on the floor which is actually right there below. Sometimes it really feels like we cannot possibly cope and all it needs is someone who cares to remind us that we will not be overwhelmed and that we can stand up and it will be ok. I'm grateful for the people in my life who do that for me - I have many, and sometimes get to see that others aren't so lucky and have fewer folk that do that with them.
It will be ok.

x and y and z

We watched an interesting film (x and y) with a great soundtrack. At the same time I managed to get to z. I recommend both.
It's been a tough week and I'm glad it was this week that I've been spreading the love amongst all my facebook friends. I've been surprised at how much interactivity it has sparked, reconnecting briefly with some folk I've not actively been in touch with for ages. It's a contrast with my blog, which surprises me as to how little interaction there is - I wonder why the mediums are so different?
I'm glad there is work and choir today - hugs at both :)
Hugs, even daffodils, I'm glad to work and sing with the people I do :-)

it's not warm when she's away

The sunshine is lovely and bright today but I am freezing. First day back in my uniform in a few days, and I've added a blanket and woolly hat whilst I work at my computer. I'm not feeling the sun at all today. Maybe when I go out I will?

Hahahahaha - and then out of the blue comes an invitation to be part of a weeklong sing/hug (who needs a job anyway?!)

Ps and Qs

I have reached the end of the ps and have no friends beginning with a q so next up are my many friends whose name starts with an r and s. After that I'm very nearly there. Its been great, quite a prayerful way of considering all my friends.
Today I also have a pastoral visit as not everyone is on facebook, and then taking my girly shopping.

Had such a lovely day shopping!! Who knew it could be actually enjoyable??? Turns out the way to do it is spend more time eating and less time in the shops :D So I took her to the mystery tea house for lunch and she took me to yog yums for pudding :D

Then how awesome was this sunset?

Limbo, without the dancing

My grandma died yesterday. I guess at nearly 92 its not entirely unexpected but it was still sudden. I don't yet know if it means I will be staying here longer or heading home shortly, and until I know when the funeral is, life feels a bit in limbo.

And I've also been notified that we will no longer be finding out about the redundancies until at least a week on Friday. As you know, I don't like uncertainty or waiting.

We did get a lovely walk yesterday before all this and I will post photos at some point. And despite all the shocks I can really feel the love.

Will rearrange these photos when i'm next on my computer. I've been having a gentle afternoon now we're back home. I seem to be able to send love on fb again so that's a lovely thing to do.

a light dusting

I got up and out before anyone else was up to take a few pics of the snow in the sun. It's beautiful!

The kids are keen to go sledging but I am not so taken with that plan as it would necessitate me driving up icy winding roads with sheer drops. I think a more local frosty walk is in order. Posting pics isn't easy but I will do my best to share what I can!

If you look really carefully this apparently is Blencathra from the back window.

Stop! in the name of love

Interestingly I have been stopped in my attempt to spread love at a personal rather than general level. After 6 or so hours of writing messages (I haven't quite got to the k's) I received a message three times in a row that I'm unable to perform this action as it is disallowed. It won't let me again this morning, I thought maybe there was a numerical limit such as you can only write on 15o walls in one day or something. So I have filed a report to facebook (including of course lots of love to themselves) and will see what happens.
To be fair, I've developed a repetitive strain injury so a break will do me good. And then maybe gradually I'll get to contact the rest of my friends. But in the meantime

LOTS OF LOVE!!

Happily now at Dufton where it is cold outside but warm inside :-)

love times a million

Well, 324. I'm trying to decide whether it would be over ambitious to write individual love messages on the walls of every single one of my facebook friends. It certainly would take a big chunk of time. There may be some who don't appreciate it. But in the main I think it would be an awesome way to spend time. And of course, not all of my friends are on facebook, I'm not sure how I let them know. One is coming to use my washing machine today and asked me to leave an explanatory note, so that's easy to turn into a love note, but all the rest?
It will need to be today as tomorrow is full on with church then a leaving party and then off to see my folks. But we can send love any day of the year :-)

Hmmm, I'm only half way through my many friends whose name begins with an A. I feel a bit embarrassed writing on some, for others its totally fine and nothing unusual. I'd kind of overlooked the fact that love begets love, or at least a response. Initiating a love fest is no bad thing, but I probably should get up and ready for going out!!

5pm and I'm now at the end of the A's, but I did go out for a lovely meal in between. Had I been better at maths I'd have realised that 324 friends at maybe a minute per comment adds up to nearly 6 hours. Still, it's fabulous and if it takes me a week then that still will be fine :-)

10.15 and part way through the j's. I keep running out of battery life...

weight of the world

Will need to do some leaning today, so much stuff to worry about.
Fret fret fret fret.

And, finally I'm home - a long work day, and now onto my other roles - hopefully there won't be much there and then I can start the wind down into a few days off. Phew.

living in a hole

Once spring is here I am going to have to do something about these molehills that I have hitherto been ignoring.

I have no idea what and right now haven't the worry space for it
Just one more day at work then a few days off over half term - hurrah!

Christmas, on a school night??

Not being sure about the future could make a person reluctant to splash out - and it does. But last night I fancied some luxuries and so had a glass of port and Pringles, I know how to party! It felt like Christmas. Kind of.

Time is going so slowly at the moment. A week on Friday seems such a long way off still. (That's when I should get a clearer picture as to what my next step will need to be workwise.) I was delighted to be given a new nickname last week to remind me tI can be like the lilies in the field who don't worry. Last night I came a cross a photo of a time when I got my first nickname (tho my name is already an abbreviated form of my full name so maybe that was my first nickname??)

Surfer the great

rebalancing

Yesterday I learned that rebalancing wheels is not what I thought it was. I assumed the car would need to be there so the wheels either side would get balanced. But apparently it's more to do with the flatness of the tyre ( or something.)

I personally feel a bit more balanced now (it wasn't even my tyre that was being rebalanced). Tho I have a meeting this morning in a building I have frequented twice recently and both times emerged with a massive headache despite drinking water. I know that I don't do well if I'm in a room with no window, the electric lighting and lack of air get me every time. Which is curious as by night I sit in a room with electric light and the curtains drawn and I don't get a headache then, I wonder why? Anyone any top tips on how to survive those kind of rooms/meeting, please do share :)

(Yay, today it was in a room with a window!)

pump it up

The bike ride i went on yesterday was much easier than the previous one. It seems that putting air into your bike tyres is a helpful thing.
I felt really down yesterday. Need to find whatever it is will pump air into my own metaphorical tyres. A photo from a friend helped just as I went to bed - they too had used signs affirming people. It's a good thing.
Early start today for some training - the mental rather than physical type. Had contemplated cycling there but today's gale has put me off that.

I discover that I don't even know where to begin looking for a new job. Just like when it comes to insurance and I have to find a match to my job and nothing comes close, trying to use a search feature on a jobs page is tricky. I tried hugger and nothing came up. As a more serious attempt I tried putting "listening" in the skills and third on the list is for a butchery apprentice. Maybe we are not designed to be put into categories??

paradise lost

There are some songs that I have to switch away from when they come on the radio. Often the carpenters. It's something to do with me being transported back to a time of innocence, sitting in my dad's car as a young child . For some reason these songs upset me - it feels like I remember a time when I had no sense of the hurt I would go on to experience in various ways in my life. And so until I've done whatever healing I need to do, I find these songs unbearable. Funny.

Last night we enjoyed the film Saving Mr banks. I cried, obviously.
These two paragraphs are not unrelated, which is odd cos I wrote the first paragraph before watching the film.

Haven't got anything more positive today.

no nightfall when it comes to love

Today I'm hoping will be gentle. I loved the singing last night, I had to risk using my chest voice rather than head voice for line 3, and it sounded so much better when I did. Risking sounding wrong, it's the way to go :)

Gardening and cleaning windows, not sure how gentle that is but my plan now involves my latest book group book in front of the fire :-)

I really like this from Pip Wilson:

The sun doesn’t stop shining

it is just ::

we sometimes step into the shade

we sometimes step into another persons shadow

we close our eyes

we hide behind sunglasses

and

sometime night falls ………

When it comes to LOVE

There is no nightfall

but

we can and do 

step into

shade

shadow

or hide ………

There is NO nightfall when it comes to LOVE

even though we feel it sometimes.

Love has no OFF switch.

Romantic love can fall

Human love can fall

Divine love has no OFF switch

Divine love has no nightfall

No shade

No shadow

No sunglasses

No hiding place.

We don’t have to love to be loved.

No nightfall.

We don’t have to change to be loved

If we became perfect today

we could not be loved more tomorrow.

A LOVE that will not let you go 

glass throwing from my stone house

I'm fully aware that people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones (tho prefer my title, I feel more ragey than stupid). Wealth is comparative, and I firmly see myself in the category of people who have More Than Enough. This is because I have a whole wardrobe full of more clothes than I could wear in an entire month, I have enough money in my bank account to replace my boiler when it breaks, and last year I was able to take my children away to Belgium for a week. These to me are all signifiers that I'm lucky enough to have a surplus. In the eyes of the state tho, my income is not enough for 4 people to live off and so is topped up by tax credits, and when I look at sliding scales for fees to pay for events, I'm always on the bottom rung.
So in many ways I'm not in a place to talk about greed and priviledge - I could give more than I do to try and redistribute my wealth. I understand and also succumb to that fear of a future-not-having-enough and so rather than give away most of my clothes, or that boiler money, I hold onto it because "I will need it some day". There is some wisdom in this - I'm responsible for the welfare of my children and it would maybe be foolish to keep zero pouinds in my account knowing that there are definite big expenses on the horizon. And so I can relate to that similar pull for others, a desire to accumulate to provide for an uncertain future. And yet, I'm also aware of a sense of frustration with the Conservative rhetoric "we're all in this together" when I hear how its leader may have earned £500,000 by renting out his home since moving into Downing Street (does he have to pay rent to live in Downing street? I presume not!) According to the Independent newspaper's article I was looking at, 39% of Conservative MPs are landlords. Now I don't have anything against landlords per se - we all need to make an income and if that's the job someone chooses that seems fair enough - only in these instances it is making money, on the side, out of the fact that the public is paying for where they actually live.

Some of this indignance undoubtedly springs from my own current situation of insecurity. I was pleased that even at a redundancy meeting there was cake and biscuits. I have an awesome boss. In 2 weeks time it will all be decided so at least it isn't going to be long and drawn out.

resisting disconnection

My head is very very full and so instead of writing a blog I'm sharing a picture with some very wise remarks from one of my friends:

I'm lucky & blessed to know some lovely, kind, generous, thoughtful people & have some wonderful wonderful friends smile emoticon heart emoticon

....in this part of the world where forging deep connections, building strong relationships, cultivating real closeness goes against everything which capitalism pushes & attempts to enforce.... waging daily battles against isolation, disconnection & closing ourselves off is integral to our survival & physical/mental/emotional health, & one of the many struggles within the fight for human liberation, personal & collective.... any relationship of love, closeness, connection, (with all of our inevitable complexities) is therefore a small victory to be cherished, held onto, remembered, and honoured.... heart emoticon

with a little help from my friends

Yesterday was a much better day, full of lovely texts in the end. Made up for the previous day's lack of contact. More hugs today and a test I've not revised for - it's on what I do every day so if I'm doing it wrong I need to know.

Today's learning is that I find it really really hard not to speculate.

gamut

Many feelings yesterday, though mainly at the sad and lonely end of the spectrum. I wisely chose to watch a bit of Dave Gorman in the evening.
Disappointed to have missed the beautiful unusual sky that was raved about on facebook. Hope you got to see it wherever you were.

I had no enthusiasm for getting up this morning after little sleep and knowing that today I will have to process yet more pesky feelings. An unexpected text got me going. Not the usual unexpected text that gets me going, involving some essential for school that needs locating. But one telling me I was loved and wishing me a joyful day. Joyful will be a stretch, but I know it is there if I look. And I'm very appreciative of the unprompted loveliness of the text. Think who you could send an uplifting text to - the effect is profound.

Fool's Quest

I finished another of my much enjoyed Robin Hobb books, so searched online for the next one and can't find it any cheaper than £13 as it was only published last year. (I don't like to buy things online as I prefer to buy local, but my bookshop no longer orders books, and by buying online I can buy books secondhand which I much prefer than buying new. Best of all is when I find them in a local charity shop). No way I can justify that price so I will get to practice patience. I do have another set of her books that don't fit into the same set of books so maybe I will give that a go. I was a bit put off as it is about soldiers, but as I have delighted in pirates and assassins then I'm sure I'll cope.
We won a prize at the weekend in a fundraising raffle. It was a pass for a shooting club. It reminded me of the other time I won a prize in a raffle - a meat hamper. (Just in case you don't know, as a vegetarian pacifist, these prizes are not a perfect alignment).
Today I will be trying not to wait on a pivotal email. I was expecting it yesterday and even tho I kept telling myself it wouldn't arrive on a Sunday it didn't stop me looking a thousand times!! It may not even come until Wednesday. Patience patience patience.