quantum entanglement

I suspect it's still too early in my morning to have been reading about quantum physics, but I read it as a friend shared it saying it reminded her about how souls can be interlinked despite distance.

http://time.com/2800071/teleportation-quantum-entanglement/

I know from personal experience how people's lives at a distance - especially those whom I love - impact on me no matter how far away I am.

I didn't get to meet up with my new friend yesterday, but I did have some wonderful interactions with older friends. One rang and we spoke for maybe just 8 minutes but it was lovely to hear her voice. I'm still sad about her moving overseas but trust that we are connected for always.

Choir was ace - we were so many we had to create a bigger space. Or maybe that was because I was dancing - one of the songs I find it impossible not to dance to.

We're off to Cumbria for just over a day, I love being there. And I love that right now I'm feeling full of gratitude for all the wonderful people I take with me whenever I go anywhere, cos they're such a part of me.

:D

lots of lovely people

I'm really hoping that after work today I'll be meeting up with a fb friend I've never met before. (Don't worry, it's not some dodgy social media encounter. She's a Methodist Minister). I'm really hoping it comes off but if not, I will make the best of it. And perhaps do a food shop instead.
I got home from work yesterday to find my boyfriend had not only walked the dog but was also cleaning my kitchen so he could cook me tea. He sure knows the way into my heart!! I've invited him back again next week (with hints about my bathroom).
Yesterday had many more people in it, so I enjoyed it more. Today looks set to have lots of lovely people in it too. Yay! I managed to fall off a wall in my haste yesterday (hard not soft landing, though if i'd removed all the weeds it would have been even harder!!) so should probably not dash so much today. But I'm already running late...
Hope there's lots of lovely people in your day today too :D
xx

(I can't get no) satisfaction

I might be unusual in that I'm looking forward to today being a proper work day. I just am better when I have company than when I don't. Today is a long and busy work day, like tomorrow. Unlike yesterday which seemed to stretch forever. I didn't feel able to really do much as I still needed to be on hand to provide food/tidying/encouragement for children and guests.
Let's hope today is more satisfying.

Well, I got a perverse sense of satisfaction from starting a trend - I parked my car for just a minute in a practically empty carpark so just swung it round a full circle and left it across a couple of spaces, at a jaunty angle. When I came back, two other cars had joined me at the same angle :)

When I was maybe 8 or so, The Rolling Stones was probably the record I played most from my parent's collection. I can't work out now which one it was, but it was fun times with my sister, singing along. I have just 20 mins to re-live a few more now before out to work again :)

how to holiday

So, yesterday wasn't very holiday-esque at all. Both kids were busy with their own friends so I worked all day - and that's fine, I'm seeing it as meaning I don't need to take holiday from one of my other jobs, and it means I can spend next monday with my boy when he's still off. Today I could tidy. That appeals not at all. I could do more work - why is that always my default? It's that do it whilst I've got the chance mentality. (shame I never have that feeling about the washing up). If the weather clears up I could do some gardening. I'm tired though - sleepovers are never conducive to much adult sleep. Maybe it will be another reading day. Under a duvet with a box of chocolates??

...
I went with cleaning. I know - surprised me too. If I were my own best friend I'd ask myself what I'm so afraid of, by relaxing. One answer would be around justifying myself. There's so much vilifying of people on benefits. I receive working family tax credit, without which we'd struggle to live off my wages. I think I feel a compulsion to be always doing stuff so if someone accused me of laziness, I'd know they were wrong.

Ohhh, love this:
http://elitedaily.com/life/10-things-that-the-people-who-love-their-lives-are-doing-differently/598934/

especially the line:
When you ask them what they do, they respond with what they do in their lives, not what work they do in order to pay for the lives they want to one day be living. The real trick is that these individuals know better than to wait to live the lives they want to live. 

running out of towels

I spent lots of yesterday reading my book - yay!!! It was my book group one, and as subject matters go, it wasn't as escapist as it could have been, focussing on a divorce process in the 1800s. I'm not going to dwell here, but it did have me realise that being a woman is much easier today than in Victorian times.
I then attempted my remortgaging but skidded to a halt over a question when I realised they would like an extra hundred quid out of me than originally stated. So I guess I've stopped out of protest but that's not going to do anything is it. I'll try and resume the process today. There are lots of children here and more to come. It's a good job I have lots of towels - I guess if you have a pool and half a dozen children staying for a couple of days, you are going to get through a lot of towels - especially when it's not exactly sunny, so the towels are not drying out between each dip!

My emails are getting a bit more frenzied. I've now been asked to get my employer to write another letter, as the last one they wrote started with "to whom it may concern" and they need it to say "FAO Halifax". I've explained that I won't be seeing my employer for a week as it's half term - they said to send the rest of the documentation now and then the letter when I've had it. I politely said that would involve me buying an extra stamp which I wasn't prepared to do, as that will be the fourth time I've had to post them papers. Petty, me??

disheartened

Mixed feelings this morning. Thoroughly disheartened by the election results for starters. But wanting to have a gentle day - I'm reading a book group book, and seeing as it's a bank holiday, my hope is to read some DURING THE DAY and not just as I'm falling asleep at night. My girly has guests coming over tho and wants me to help get ready for them - I think putting the tent up is part of their shared adventure so will try my hardest to convince her that I don't need to do that beforehand.
One of my favourite things to do is read a novel in a bubble bath. I can't remember the last time I did it -  I don't think I've done it yet this year. I managed to do so this morning, so that was good. Then hoovered the landing for the fourth time in 24 hours. The level of mess caused by the hamster sawdust stuff is not sustainable - other people with hamsters don't seem to live in a layer of the stuff, I don't know where we've gone wrong. I have a pain in my neck, I think that might be why I'm so grouchy. It's going to be challenging keeping my boy occupied so he doesn't hijack the girls' fun. He has a friend coming over tomorrow but has to tidy his room first... :s

soft and hard landings

Dashing to church, as I was leading sunday school and didn't have much time spare (who, me?) I overheard a lad of around 3 years old. He was holding his grandad's hand whilst walking atop a wall maybe a metre or so high, and saying he knew he'd be ok if he fell one way (onto the grassy field) but that if he fell onto the pavement he'd die. His grandad was keen to reassure him he wouldn't die, he'd be ok (particularly cos you're there, I thought). I worry a lot about where I'm going to fall but I guess even though some landings are softer options than others, we mainly don't die, especially when we have loved ones holding our hands.

After a day that had more jobs in it than I'd have liked, but still had some downtime, I'm having some family time today. Hope your landings today are mainly feather soft :)

polling stations

I always get a buzz of excitement on polling days. This may be a throwback to when we'd get a day off school as the building was used as the polling station. Or perhaps it's because it's one of those times when I feel like a grown up - in a good way instead of a weighed down by it all kind of way. Or maybe it's because I'm to a certain extent a political being - not with any deeply rooted party political loyalties, but someone who cares passionately that each of us can make a difference, and that as a woman I cherish my hard-won right to play my part in the democratic process. So I practically skipped out of my child's school on thursday (which doesn't shut despite the hall being used as a polling station). I'm keenly waiting to see if my friend has been elected in the european election and will hopefully find out tomorrow. Meanwhile of course I'm disappointed that some of the more extreme parties did well, with policies that take us backwards in terms of equality and celebrating our wonderfully diverse society. I was taken aback by how many variants there were in terms of political parties on the theme of "xenophobes-r-us" and "get-out-and-stay-out".
Not that I really had much time to follow results yesterday. Life has been overwhelmingly full on recently. I'm very happy to report that I had a lie in this morning, and that this weekend is so far going more to plan than last week's, with lovely hugs and singing to start, then a film that had the song we'd sung in choir. There is NOTHING WHATSOEVER written in my diary today. I'm hoping to keep it that way, tho if I don't do a few jobs I know I will feel even more overwhelmed by the mess, so I will do something. Just Not Too Much.
Love lots.

system failure

I need a moan cos I feel v frustrated and I can't think who to phone - everyone is busy at this time :(
I've tried throwing balls for the dog in the pouring rain but am still unhappy so here I am. Maybe a vent here will suffice then I can delete it?
My system has failed and if I'm not careful I'll go to a place of feeling like I'm not managing. One failure doesn't mean I can't do everything, does it?
You know how i've been awaiting the post every morning for AGES and it's been making me very miserable. It has transpired today that TWO MONTHS ago I was sent an email. I was away at a wedding so checking emails on my phone, I saw it and didn't read it and starred it. It was from a solicitor's secretary so not a name I recognised and has sat in my starred folder, along with hundreds of emails I should probably do something with At Some Point.
The same people sent - by post - a letter the same day, requesting lots of money, which i dutifully opened and went in and paid. I'm feeling cross because no-one chased up why I'd not replied when I usually reply within minutes :) I'm feeling annoyed cos I know I have to pay so much for any email I send to be read, so I didn't get in touch with them to ask why it was taking so long. And of course, mainly I'm kicking myself as it turns out my incompetence has caused me so much unecessary misery.
It's all so stupid and now is spoiling today too.
A fb friend's son took an overdose last night. Yet more systems failing - how can we all get a lot better at supporting those who are struggling so no-one is left isolated? I'm hoping tomorrow is much much better. Thank goodness it's Friday - there should be cake in the morning and singing by evening. With hugs along the way. I need a lot.

chalk and cheese

Most mornings I say to my monkey "have i told you lately that i love you?" Only this morning did I get round to playing him the song. There's probably lots of other references that I share only partly with my kids that one day they will understand more fully - ah, that's what she was on about.
I can feel us dragging ourselves towards the half term holiday - just one more get up. I'm taking a couple of days off and my girly is inviting friends over to camp and have a 3 day pool party - let's hope it warms back up :)

I have - amongst a bit of a crappy and yet also busy day - had the thought that the idiom "chalk and cheese" could be improved upon. I'm not so sure they're all that different. Some cheese, like Wensleydale, is chalky in colour, and also quite crumbly - i know chalk is more powdery, but it just doesn't feel these two things are polar opposites.
I'm wondering if it works cos they're both Ch words, so I'll stick with that, but surely we can do better. I'm proposing something like chalk and cherries; or cheese and chestnuts. Or even better cheese and chess, they feel very different.

ray of light

Candles were a theme in church this morning and fitted with a quote from Edith Wharton I had been reminded of earlier:
"There are two ways of spreading light, to be the candle, or the mirror that reflects it"

Gotta dash to work, but was proud to hear my boy read in church :) My focus for today is to keep noticing that I'm living the life I choose rather than am forced to live. I've been seeing stuff as chores recently, and know all it will take is to turn my way of thinking around and I'll experience much more joy if I remember that it's my choice to do x, y or z, no-one is making me. That there is bliss to be found in cleaning the toilet if you have the right frame of mind :D

I think I've dusted some of the grime that had clouded my metaphorical mirror and am back to reflecting, and being the light. Hope that if anything is blocking your rays, you can bust through it - you have a great light :D

plagues upon your house

If I was hoping for a gentler week, I'd be disappointed. The house seems to be overrun with infestations - well maybe I exaggerate a little, but I certainly am experiencing more creatur-age than I'd like. I'm assured hamsters can't bring fleas, but i don't really understand why the dog would suddenly get them now when all his scarily toxic flea stuff is up to date. But it's possible to play dot to dot on my back today if you were that way inclined (and who would be, really, that would be gross?). Then there's the wasps. I know it's hot and sunny and they could be entering via the door that seems permanently open so the kids can get to the pool (it's only been up a day so no creatures there so far). But the wasps were appearing before this heatwave so I suspect they're coming in some gap somewhere. I killed the first few - my kids do not like them at all having been stung when younger. But I've been told that by killing them they leave pheremones that attract more wasps, so I'm now unsure as to how to proceed.
And then there's the potential rat in the garage. At least it's not in the kitchen or what would I do then? ;) I've not seen it, so maybe it was a shadow, but someone else saw what they think is a rat. In my garage. Oh yay.

So maybe this is what happens when you break one of the 10 commandments. I'll try really hard to take a rest day God, I promise...

sabbath

“Sabbath, in the first instance, is not about worship. It is about work stoppage. It is about withdrawal from the anxiety system of Pharaoh, the refusal to let one’s life be defined by production and consumption and the endless pursuit of private well-being.” Walter Brueggemann

At the recent fabulous radical compassion day, it was pointed out that observing the sabbath is one of the ten commandments, and that we sometimes attach different importance to the various commandments. I don't know about you, but I'm brilliant at not killing people. I am however, nowhere near as good at observing the sabbath. I know nothing about the guy whose quote is above, but I do like the sentiment. I struggle to stop - not even just work, but just to stop and rest awhile. It's one of the good aspects of being with my boyfriend, it's one of the lovely things about hanging out with my friends, and if only I let it, it could be one of the ace things about being a parent of two fun to be with kids. That stopping and taking time out with them, away from the chores and the busyness and the emails. They all seem to be much better than I am at sitting in front of the tele, or reading in bed, or at least not doing at least 17 things at once.
I think in many ways, I'm not a slave to the production machine, I certainly don't feel a big pull to the consumer silliness, and I'm definitely not so fussed about private well being so much as communal well being. But I do endlessly pursue, and I rarely withdraw from the anxiety inducing treadmill of do-do-doing.
In discussing the commandment, I chatted with a lovely woman - must email her ;) - about how sabbath and resting and recharging could be about a fraction of a day when we change roles, rather than say refusing to be a mum for a whole day.
So, I'm off to bed for an early night (once I've checked on how fast the pool is filling, let the dog out, and put a load of washing on. D'oh!)

beauty over purpose

I've had an interesting chat with my boy this week about expectations. When guessing how much each street had raised, he would guess higher than myself - though was always nearer than my estimate. I asked him why I might have a lower figure in mind, and said it was so I would hopefully not then be disappointed. I do admire however, his high hopes, and think it is actually important to aim for the stars and dream big.
In other aspects of my life, I realise I often have high expectations and so am frequently let down. Thinking the best of people is good and I never want to change that. But - and it has been levelled at me before - maybe I ought to have more realistic expectations to save myself the disappointments.

I had high hopes for the weekend - I was really looking forward to some time off and fun. The weekend did not go to plan at all. I worked as much on Sunday as I would any other day of the week, and the things that I thought were going to happen didn't. Some things were better than anticipated. I'm v grateful to the friend who urged me - when I was deliberating just how much help to accept with the counting of bags from others streets - to ask them to do EVERYTHING! And so I did and it freed me up to get into the garden to tackle that. I think the flowers in my garden are beautiful, the only problem is this is supposed to be a path. I've left most of them to flourish - beauty over purpose, form over function, chaos over control and colour rather than concrete :) Hope you also get to see lots of beautiful things where they are not supposed to be :)

wanted

It's a risk, letting people know when you're struggling. You're already at your most vulnerable. But it seems to have worked out ok for me yesterday, when I shared on facebook that I was in need of kindness. It was good to get the contradiction that actually I am wanted - that I have a whole tons of friends who care about me and will help if I'm down. So that's good.

unwanted

Postie was 12 mins late collecting from the post box. This was a Very Good Thing, as I was 12 minutes late getting to the box to post my nephew's birthday card, so now I feel confident it will get there. I'm anxiously waiting on postie everyday at the moment. It's doing my head in so I think maybe I'll just do myself my own documents. Waiting for the divorce papers to arrive is making me on edge and miserable. The feelings of rejection are very powerful and debilitating. I keep trying to tell myself they will come whenever they come and it doesn't matter when. There is no deadline. I'm just fed up of the waiting nervously, so I think I just need to imagine they have already arrived.
It's a beautiful day, one I have unexpectedly in my own company, so could do anything. I ought to get out in the garden trying to level the ground as there is now a date set for a pool party, only no likelihood of the pool being up. I also ought to get out and purchase provisions as the cupboards are almost bare. And there is ALWAYS washing up. I could start on the work for tomorrow - I unusually have to work Sunday and could make that easier by starting now, only I had hoped for 24 hours off. The weight of the silence is oppressive - thank goodness for spotify. I've typed in "Something inside so strong" and can listen to hundreds of versions.

flying without capes

I do like the film The Incredibles, tho it's been a little while now since I rewatched it. I remember being particularly entertained by the advice that the stereotypical superhero capes are in fact a safety hazard. The traditional image endures tho, and I've had moments on noticing an invisible cape this week. Mainly as I've been dashing - to my Co-op for the third time in the one day, as my kids want different fruit for a chocolate fondue (they eat a lot of chocolate fondue. I tell myself it's good that they're getting the fruit). Charging into a shop with just a 6 minute window of opportunity to buy some school shoes and still be able to get back in time for Girl Guides. I have to keep thinking of the cape and congratulate myself as it would be much easier to berate myself - a "good" parent would have enough fruit in already, or how on earth could I let my son be going to school with such a massive hole in his shoes?
Early home visit so off I dash again. I did well yesterday on the collecting front tho so am hoping I'll be able to be in 2 of the 4 places I was expected to be tonight. *gives imaginary twirl*

3 miles

Maybe the vicar reads my blog (it's possible, I may well have given him the link) but he this week asked the adults to put their hands up and answer the question "what one word comes to mind when thinking of God". He'd already asked the kids first so they'd used up all the good ones (Love for me is pretty much the main answer, funnily enough) so I went for "within" - he initially thought I said "with it" and so we had a laugh for a moment. Afterwards, we had a good natter about Rob Bell. There are some ace vicars in my town, I'm very lucky and spoilt for choice :D

Meanwhile for those of you who are wondering what is happening on the hamster-front whilst I blog merrily about love, did you know a hamster travels about 3 miles a night on their hamster wheel? (I'm wondering if this can be harnessed and converted into electricity. Solar panels by day, hamster motion by night). They don't seem to be keeping the kids awake - I'm less sure about my sleep disturbances as I can hear them through the walls - but it does mean I'm more aware of my weird dreams. The mess is phenomenal. There has also been considerable anxiety as they settle in (a 5 day programme of increasing contact has had to be adhered to, with varying degrees of success).

Had to miss choir last night, and don't really want to miss my other tomorrow night too, but will have to get a lot of collecting done around work today if I'm going to be able to make it, so had best fly...

semantics

I nearly got into a debate with my friend about what the core of love is. Only we both figured life's too short to argue about it. I know we're both singing from the same hymn sheet so it's just semantics. We both get on and "do" and "be" love pretty well, so does it matter if we may define differently what it's all about? Instead of quibbling the small stuff, it seems to make sense to put our energies into celebrating the reality of it - yay!

We're coming to the mid-point of Christian Aid Week now, and I'm finding it a bit trickier than usual to fit it around work. It's lovely to reflect briefly on the changes over time - it seems a while since collecting involved leaving the pushchair on the pavement, calling out reassuringly that I was still in earshot of my little one, cos it was too unwieldy to get up everyone's pathways. Now my littlest loves the maths involved in the post-collection counting of the cash - guessing the night's total, working out what an average envelope would need to contain to reach that, and how much needs to be in the final envelopes to get there. As always, the money's not my thing. I've experienced a good range of emotions so far. Tons of love - especially for those who have found it intrusive, me knocking. I get that - I'm disturbing them in their space, on their time, and it's not something that is their passion. I also have felt embarrasment, blushing when I realised a remark I made could have been misinterpreted. And fear - I really wasn't convinced that the guy asleep in his armchair that I could see through the window, was just asleep. So I popped back and was mightily relieved to see he'd switched sleeping positions. Phew.

bees and other little changes

The bee was motionless on my front doorstep as I left for work - I still don't know if it was stunned, or dead. I did the only thing I could think of - I don't know if it's an urban myth or not. I got the honey lid recently consigned to the recycling, and dabbed the tiniest speck of honey on one of its legs, and left the rest of the lid by it.
I'd forgotten about it, and upon return home found just the honey lid. I don't know if the bee was blown away (I can't see it amongst the weeds below) or if it recovered enough to get somewhere else. I'll never know. And that happens all the time (not with bees, I don't make a daily habit of this. I just know they're important. Like everything - well except wasps, I just killed a wasp. Sorry). We do things and don't know if it makes a difference. My new mate gave me a poster that proclaims "You are changing the world whether you like it or not. So which changes will you make?" It's a great reminder of our significance, and our potential. I love it. Can I do a radical compassion day every weekend please? :D

would we?

This is heartbreaking. Listening to my David LaMotte CD there's a part where he says we don't know what we might have done if had to choose whether to risk getting involved or not. We'd like to think we'd be noble, but we just don't know.

http://www.upworthy.com/a-man-falls-down-and-cries-for-help-twice-the-second-time-my-jaw-drops?g=2&c=reccon1

I'm always so heartened to learn about people who do stop, who do take risks, who open their hearts to others. I'm lucky to know lots of folk like that.

Christian Aid Week has started well. Sunny, for a start, is a good thing - tho can mean people are out in their gardens instead of opening their doors. And I wore my new t-shirt, which I'm v v v pleased with. It's even harder in some ways not to judge people - those with UKIP posters displayed. But also easier as I still feel overflowing with love from the weekend :)

No time to crop photos - but you get the idea :D

gifts

The times I have felt most cherished are when I have been described as a "gift" - it happened yesterday and it really is a wonderful thing to be told. It's had me realise that I can take more opportunities to tell the lovelies in my life how I see them as a gift - if they bloom as much as I did for being told, then it's worth doing ten thousand times.
The guy I met was well practiced in the skill of giving good compliments - that is not at all meant cynically - I think it can be hard for us to receive compliments without wanting to diminish or refute them, and I think it can be hard to give a sincere compliment in a way that people are able to hear and hold them. I made him write it down so I could hold onto it better ;) He was also very much a gift to me, and I recognised a similar ministry in that his way of being with people is one I aim for too. I have been asked to share at an event, of how my faith and work co-incide. I'm kind of hoping I can find my notes from when I did something along those lines before, save me re-inventing the wheel, but if not, I feel in touch with it now - maybe I should re-write it now even tho it's weeks off yet and I don't know the specifics of what I'm wanted for.
Aside from what I get paid for, I feel I am "called" to be an encouragment to folk. So it's about the delight I was on about yesterday. I suspect most of us do not have a true sense, most of the time, just how delighted people are that they exist. Cos a lot of the time we have stuff flying around that stops us from showing our joy at knowing others. When I did schools work, we sometimes had a pupil walk into the class and have the whole class applaud them. It's what happens to celebs appearing on, or hosting, TV shows - people clap just for them turning up. Most of us don't get that when we arrive at work. We may get a warm welcome upon reaching home - especially if we have a dog, tho I know I could try harder at greeting my kids enthusiastically. Need to work on my wag :D There's a guy at my Friday choir who is ace at it - when people arrive - esp if they're a bit late, he often cheers and calls their name "Such a person's here - yay!! - we're going to be alright now!" It's such a contradiction to our common fears - that we're a nuisance for being late, that it wouldn't have mattered if we hadn't turned up at all. It's why I love the Tipitina song so much - you are a blessing. Might just share that with my new friend ;)

angel's delight

There's something incredibly inspirational about strangers gathering with the intent of wanting to love people better. It's why I enjoy NCBI events so much, and today was very reminiscent of that for me. I connected instantly with some folk. Of course there were several in the room whom I already love massively, but it was ace to be reminded that you don't need a history to love people - we can be open hearted from the get-go. I enjoyed myself lots, can you tell? It was fabulous from the beginning (well, the beginning is always hard to pinpoint. It began months ago with the dreams of the awesome instigator, then there was arriving today and helping get set up, that relationship stuff is all part of it too). The official beginning was with worship that started with the words that there was nothing we had to do, we could just soak up the presence - so I was crying straight away - being allowed to not wrestle with the wrestling. How liberating :)
I've not got my notes out yet to share with you, or processed much. (Dashed away early as I had a service to help lead, via the chaos that I expected but in unexpected ways - a near trip to A and E, and of course I forgot how chaotic the house gets when baking etc happens without my clarion call to tidy afterwards...) Right now my main highlight is how we can indeed be angels to one another just by being delighted in each other's presence. For those times I've not been delighted enough to have you in my life I'm sorry that stuff got in the way of that. Today has been just what I needed to remind me once again that all we need to do is love :D :D :D

irony

One of the many purchases I could have made for our new hamsters tickled me. A bag of dried dandelions - the blurb actually read "Dandelion leaf (97%), dandelion flower (3%). The way nature intended. You can't improve on nature, so we don't add any colours, flavours or preservatives"
I think I shall be serving up dandelions even more like the way nature intended :)
So far life with Truffle and Rolo has been a delight for the kids. I can't believe how the wood shaving/sawdust stuff has managed to spread across the entire house, you would never know I hoovered yesterday. They came with a 5 day settling in programme which means I can legitimately leave strict instructions not to open the cages whilst I'm out today, so I feel less anxious than I did.
I'm looking forward to today's 'radical compassion' so hopefully my next blog with be more than a moan about rodents.

kaput

There are several aspects of my life that I'm not able to blog on, so rather than a rounded insight into my life and joys and concerns, sometimes this feels like a litany of middle class woes. I'm sorry about that.
It's a good job I went to choir tonight. When no-one else from home wanted to join me, I was a bit tempted to sit on the couch too - I'd not had that chance and I would like to do more chilling with my family. Anyway, as I say it's a good job I went cos, apart from having a good sing, if I'd not then I'd have perhaps discovered the completely kaput tyre at an even less suitable moment. Like when we have new hamsters in the vehicle. As it was, I was v lucky that my boyfriend wasn't too far away and he came and sorted it. I had an attempt but without him would have called the breakdown service (which is of course why I pay for the service. I don't have to be able to do everything, really I don't).
My local tyre website doesn't tell me what time they are open tomorrow, but I shall be there as early as I can, with my fingers crossed that it's just a tyre I need. The rim looked a bit mis-shapen to me :(

...
So the good news is they could do it - just a new tyre. The other good news is there was a big puncture hole from a nail or something - this is good because it had been suggested that maybe I'd bashed into something (and so it would have been my fault). I don't feel responsible for nails left on Broadgate, so this puncture therefore was not my fault and so not something to beat myself up about. Hurrah. And in other good news, the puncture repair place was right next to the church for tomorrow's service that has been causing me stress. So I took all the stuff and asked that someone else set it up. Maybe I can stop stressing now and start smiling?

changing the world

"I wanted to change the world but I couldn't get a babysitter"

"the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world"

Both these phrases were quoted to me early on in my parenting. I do believe parents change the world day by day in what we do, how we raise our children, how we are family and all we learn from and contribute to that. And it still can feel incredibly frustrating at times, the choices we have to make. A lot of my activism I've done with children in hand. Now they're getting older they are having more choices about if they want to accompany me or not - sometimes that means I don't get to do things, sometimes it means we do things together, sometimes it means I leave them whilst I get out there. Next week will be a combination of those - Christian Aid Week is always my busiest time of year. The kid's Dad is always in Germany that week. This year there's an added twist of wanting to be at a fabulous event on the Sunday, but also needing to help lead the CAW Service, and the timings overlap. I can feel just how highly wound up I am about it all cos I just can't be in three places at once (funnily enough) and am worried I won't enjoy any of it.
I'm trying to figure what I can do to feel less stressy about it. Most wednesdays I pay half of what I earn that day for a babysitter so I can go and rehearse with my wonderful choir. Sunday I already am paying someone to do some hanging out with my kids (it's the hamsters pushing my over the edge, already). I've put a call out on fb for some resources I need for the service that I can't think how to get. Maybe it is just a case of letting go and trusting that it will all work out.
Only yesterday I was saying that I sometimes encourage people to look at their worst case scenarios so they can work through the fear. So I guess my worry is that, having (annoyingly) left my event early to get back in time for the service, there is no turnaround time for picking the kids up, they HAVE to be ready. My concern is I'll get back to chaos - dog growling, hamsters running wild, blooded bitten fingers, everyone in tears and distress and no-one will be ready to come to the service. It feels like the world will end if I'm not at the service as so much of it seems to hang on my being there (I have all the resources, I'm doing the prayers and now two of the 3 stations). I guess the world won't end and maybe I need to explore more how I can relieve this pressure...

sucker

One good discovery today, from my hastily acquired library book, is that hamsters can eat dandelions. I believe this is as an occasional treat rather than as a means of clearing my garden of weeds, so I'm not getting over excited about their imminent arrival. Unlike my kids, who are getting VERY excited. I'm running with the principle that we only live once, if it's what they want, then I do want to make them happy if I can. (Remind you of a similar throwing caution to the wind with swimming pool purchasing? Me too.) I by no means give the kids everything they want, but I'm also keen not to parent with automatic "no"s. They are buying both their hamsters and their cages with their own money, tho I personally feel my allowing it is the bigger deal. I hope I/we don't regret it. More love to go around is a good thing. It's the more stress aspect I'm worried about. Place your bets ladies and gentlemen, as to how long before I blog with tales of escapees...(and we don't get them til Sat, so betting on tomorrow would be silly!!)

shared smiles :)

One of my favourite moments of today was a shared smile with a pupil in the morning assembly. I think she was pleasantly surprised that I was getting involved. We (well, more likely the children, but I'm an actively engaged kind of person, I participate at most opportunities whether asked to or not) were being asked a series of questions to see if we could relate to the child in the story. The question I eagerly acquiesed to was if I enjoyed being with my friends. In fact it's one of my favouritest things, so my arm shot up eagerly and the girl looked amused that I was joining in (none of the other adults at the back were).
I then just had time to call a friend before going into work - it was fab, a right good chin wag and really lifted my spirits :) Friends are ace like that. Life is _too_ busy at the moment. I often like to blog in the morning - I'm usually more inspired at that time of day. I'm not really a lark, but I'm definitely not a night own. Ben tells me I'm an Ox, and that sounds more like it. Currently there is no opportunity for morning blogging as I've had to leave early, then when I get back from work it's straight into something else, and then something else and... I feel like I'm chasing from one thing to another and it's all way too last minute for my liking. I know it's going to remain like this for the next several days. I'm already stressing about Sunday, where I'm trying to do too many things. I'm too tired to do it now, but think I'll construct an overview of next week and slot things in so I can see that it does all fit. Right now I'll go and breathe deeply.
Om................

hamsters and t-shirts

I'm sure it's the wrong way round. The kids moaned forever about getting a dog and I conceded so we have a dog. They now want hamsters. In my mind, hamsters are lower down the pet requesting pecking order. A halfway house for parents who sensibly know that getting a dog is a big commitment on their part, a long lasting daily requirement to walk, feed, clear up after, and buy tennis balls for. The hamster is on a lower ladder rung of cost and longevity. Having already gone the whole hog and got a dog, I assumed the pet pestering was dealt with. How wrong could I be? I've refused getting another dog (obviously) but the latest thing is they want a hamster each to call their own. They've caught me when I'm down and my resistance is weak. So it seems we're getting hamsters for me them to clean out.
So, how to cheer me up? A whole box of maltesers hasn't done it. Better was the making of a large salad for my lunch tomorrow - perhaps cos it feels like something that's good for me (unlike the maltesers), though if I'm honest if it weren't for the crisps and coleslaw accompanying it, I wouldn't be as excited. Most excitingly still is I've bought myself a present, something I've wanted for years and years. I've finally designed myself a t-shirt (fairtrade, of course) that proclaims "choose love not fear" and I'm hoping I'm just as pleased when it arrives. I'm having a bit of a t-shirt issue - all mine are ones that I've had for a decade or so and seem a bit whiffy as soon as I put them on. I'm suspecting they have a shelf life - maybe most people don't wear the same t-shirts for years on end. In fact, I'd say about 80% of my t-shirts were passed on to me from people who had done with them, so to get another 10 years out of them isn't bad.
If my new t-shirt is as good as I hope, maybe I can design an entire new wardrobe? All slogan suggestions gratefully received...

I am more than what others think

One day, I want to get to a place where what others think of me doesn't floor me. I'm not there yet. I know it in my head that it shouldn't matter how others see me, or judge me. I've not yet healed enough from my doubts to make that transition to my emotions, and each time someone finds me lacking, it can immobilise me.
Doing stuff helps tho, I've managed some work this morning and I'm going to walk the dog now. In a hat.
...
I need to remember that singing helps, especially Something Inside So Strong.
Such a busy day tomorrow - not looking forward to it as there doesn't look like any breathing space, from early work start to close of day collecting of cub. Will have to look out for opportunities to smile.

...
Nope, very little breathing space. Scope for more smiles too really :s

chess

Despite best laid plans the day did not proceed as expected. To try and salvage some joy, I suggested my son remind me how to play chess as its about 3 decades since I played. I don't think chess is a game for me.  I'm not a plotter. I'll call it living in the moment but it's more likely laziness - I just cant be bothered to try and work out what might happen next and concoct strategy accordingly. So I go 'let's just see what happens when I do this and then I can consider my next move then'. This is not a good way to play chess, my son had thought things through much more carefully :-) I was proud of him but also like my attitude. I used to be better at forward thinking but like the reduced effort of just trusting the now. (it's ok cos I dont want to be a chess champ). It's perhaps why I find mortgage, pension and insurance so tedious - I can't imagine being alive in a distant future so have no desire to debate a 20 or 25 year term.
Once the kids had left the next 19.5 hours on my own seemed impossibly long as I was feeling so down. But I have managed various tasks and even repainted part of the bathroom. A friend has cheered me up and helped remind me what I think is important. Tomorrow I will again be singing tipitina's 'you are a blessing', the second time in 3 days. Friends are indeed blessings. Hope you get to hang out with some of yours xx

shooting the breeze/feeling the breeze

I shaved my head shorter than I intended to. Feeling the breeze in it is lovely (except when it's too cold around my ears). And I've discovered a breeze can be generated just by walking through a room, you don't have to be outside to feel the air move around your scalp! It's only when I catch sight of myself I get taken aback - fortunately I don't look in a mirror very often!!. It will grow; it's a good job I'm not the sort of person fussed by appearance. Maybe the skinhead look is apt for delivering hope not hate leaflets, it turns a stereotype on its head.

Sporting an alternative look requires confidence. I expect I will be on the receiving end of people's dismay and that can sometimes be hard to hear when most of us just want to feel the love not the judgement. Some folk have to live with that all the time, I wonder how hard that is?

Today I'm feeling pretty pleased with how I'm handling some judgemental views about my parenting. Because I don't go around saying others should live like me, it still surprises me when I hear others are talking about how I ought to do things better. I'm going to try and stick with this quote :D

Hurt people hurt people. That's how pain patterns gets passed on, generation after generation after generation. Break the chain today. Meet anger with sympathy, contempt with compassion, cruelty with kindness. Greet grimaces with smiles. Forgive and forget about finding fault. Love is the weapon of the future.

~ Yehuda Berg

no triumphalism here

I read two blogs yesterday that I found very helpful in terms of hope that comes in small ways rather than any big shiny victory. My friend Sally writes here:
http://sallysjourney.typepad.com/sallys_journey/2014/05/trying-to-keep-something-alive.html
"We walk on from this point, and as we do we probably have questions, we may wonder why Peaches, Peter and the fictious Colin's lives were not so transformed that they became the good upright people that triumphalism expected them to become. We may wonder if God really exists at all? We may be confused, grieving or simply left feeling numb in the face of so much darkness, but that is precicely where new life begins, and we need grace to see it."

and references another blog I'd already read:
http://thisestate.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/rev-broken-arms-little-easters.html
which questions the concept of a "Resurrection faith {that} is either protection, or liberation, from the tragedies of day-to-day reality. It happens instantly, and it lasts for ever. Easter morning comes, and everything from now on is as bright as the mid-day sun."

Instead he speaks of "A sense that it doesn’t all suddenly turn out right, that fear and bewilderment accompany resurrection, that there are slow, painful journeys of ‘working through’, and that when disciples return to the city with good news, they are also returning to a place of threat, vulnerability and violence, much of which they find they themselves are implicated in."

It's good to read of this honesty - I suspect most of us have our struggles, we are all still working through things, and the darkness lingers rather than is completely eradicated by light. I like to offer hope, my bio reads "lover of humanity, harbinger of hope". I will be delighted if we can deliver Hope not Hate papers on Sunday; I'm looking forward to singing with joy at a wedding this morning. But I don't think hope, joy - or even love - are always easy. As people often bashed and broken by life's occurrences so far, we do our best to be the hope, love and joy we can be to others, and to find it for ourselves, but none of us are perfect, and our lives don't become perfect.

I wish you - as always - much love, hope and joy today, knowing that it won't be 100% glorious cos life just isn't like that. Enjoy the bits you do spot :)
xx

spread thinly

Both my Dad and boyfriend are heavy handed with the butter - they both liberally smear the toast with most of a block of butter. It's one of the things I love about them both (though I often remove some of the excess before eating so I can actually taste some of the toast beneath). To me it's indicative of their generosity :)
Me, I'm more of a thin scraping kind of girl - just enough. I wouldn't say that means I'm not generous, but I do notice that sometimes I spread myself around thinly when I might be better having a big dollop of me all in the one place.
Maybe it's just with Christian Aid Week coming up and I'm run ragged trying to get everything sorted on top of what is already a hectic life. Maybe it's that I've had enough of being shouted at this week instead of appreciated for doing my best.
There's a bank holiday on the horizon and the morning is so far clear. I think I will try and keep it that way.

tosspottery

Yesterday had more than its fair share of annoyances in it. Tho how fabulous that Virgin keeps its helpline open til midnight :D In order to make annoyances more bearable, I invented a word that then amused me for ages - Tosspottery. All those things that stop my happiness from being near the max - people's irritating stuff that winds me up (we all have it, I have no less of an impact on others), the things that don't go your way, the crap that can get you down. I decided I'd had enough of such tosspottery. Choir was ace and a good sing and dance later and I felt much better.
Today has had its trials already too, and I'm really hoping the car passes its MOT. I've shared on fb some good examples of readers standing up to tosspottery - those sexist headlines that talk about what a woman's wearing as if it has any bearing on anything.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/rholdup/snarky-headlines-turned-into-normal-headlines-ow72
I hope you too today can brush off those things that annoy you. It's only stuff. :)
PS, the car failed its MOT. Pesky. At least I started the process early this year so can take it in again next week - for the third time.