Sustained

Friends have sometimes said that when they’re struggling, they think of something I might say to them. The control freak in me wonders if I’ll get misrepresented if I’m not there to actually say it, but mainly I’m delighted that my love for them helps encourage and sustain them even when I’m not there. And of course it works both ways. Yesterday had its challenges, but I could hear what my friends might have said to me if they’d been able to. And so I’m still focussing not on what could pull me down, but on how grateful I am for the friends in my head and heart. I’m really pleased that Today is not a Test after all and am going to keep looking for every opportunity to love – not to prove myself, but simply because I can J

Evidence

Sometimes it can be easy to see proof of the doubts instead of focus on all the evidence of just how well we are doing. Tomorrow I’m going to be audited. I used to in some weird way quite like school tests – but part of what I liked what getting a result – evidence of knowledge learned, or hoops successfully jumped through. Verifable proof that I was good enough. An audit is different tho, ‘cos at the end there is no score, no acknowledgement of individual achievement or lack. Just an overall group pass or fail – I won’t know if I helped boost the average or let everyone down.

Parenting is like this. And I guess, the whole of life. We don’t pass or fail, we don’t get a score. We just have to keep reminding ourselves that we’re doing our best, and that that has to be good enough. 

Being needed

I know that one of my things is to feel needed. It’s why when I’m feeling low I throw myself into work, or reach out to others. Which works as a strategy, and has its merits, but probably the healthier thing to do is to look at how I feel if I am not needed. To try and get in touch with my sense of worth that’s not dependent on being worthwhile.

I’ve taken the day off today to spend with the kids. However, after a week of being away from home, what they mainly want to do is not much, play with their stuff and each other and it seems I’m only really needed to keep the roof over their heads and sometimes be an extra player in monopoly!

It suddenly occurs to me if this is why I’m such a fan of breastfeeding. It is amazing to be able to provide everything your baby needs, just as we did whilst pregnant. My fave breastfeeding fact is that the German word for breastfeeding has nothing to do with either breasts or feeding, the two things we can often get hung up on. It is “stillen”, to still or calm our babies – whether it’s the closeness, or the nutrition, or the connection, we don’t have to separate out what it is doing, it just does!

Anyway, my monopoly skills are being sought – and, I do know, my company too J

Both arms

I did wonder, after writing last week about loving having my phone in my pocket, if it was inevitable that I’d have to survive without it. It was hard – plans changed and I wasn’t able to check in with others – a kind man at Asda let me try to ring but I couldn’t get through (like in my nightmares when I just can’t seem to dial 999). I realised my main worry was what if someone contacted me in need and thought I didn’t care enough to reply. I just had to trust that people do know that phones break, get lost, or in my case run out of battery (hangs head in shame).

It almost felt like the final straw in what was turning out to be a crappy morning. But fortunately I had read the night before how we could make every day the best day of our lives. And I knew I had the choice to dwell on the negatives, or look for the good. And my kids are great – they were patient whilst I despaired, and my daughter pointed out that we could always look at how many things weren’t breaking (proud mum moment).

So we went and we had tons of fun on the slides. And as I went to hug my grandma just one more time, I put down my bags so that I could use both my arms and not a rushed “but I’m carrying things!” kind of hug.

I learn well J

Re-entry

I was asked what re-entry is like after my children and I have been parted for a while – and it’s a good question. On my part, there are high expectations – that they will be pleased to see me, that we all will have somehow become less argumentative. Of course in reality, they are always delighted to see the dog, and yes me too, but I often get jealous of the dog! And we/they still fall out. The transition is often whilst they are tired from long journeys, and me from working hard. I’m aware I often throw myself into work when I’m not with them – that same maxim from last week, if I feel discouraged, the way I move forwards is to offer encouragement to others. Switching that off is hard tho, and whilst I am supposed to be having the weekend and tomorrow off to focus on the children, I still have work situations on my mind.

Yesterday there was iceskating, as well as endless monopoly, today we’re on a full day out to a waterpark. I need to be aware that it’s not to “make up” for lost time cos that can be how it feels. I shall try and enjoy whatever is – the rowing as well as the giggling J

Next!

I was so touched by my friend sending me a book that I’ve just ordered a random book for another friend to be posted direct to her, and I’ve also posted off some books to another friend. Maybe it’s my way of compensating for this morning’s crappy post that I want to spread joy instead? I’m a big fan of paying it forward, of not keeping a blessing to myself but passing something similar along to someone else. Perhaps this is the ideal way to sort my overflowing piles of (sadly not metaphorical) stuff – pick something up and think who might appreciate it more than me and post it to them… I could keep several posties in a job!  I’m delighted to think I have already become more generous – does it mean I can start on Easter Eggs now??!! Whilst there is obviously always more I could do, I’m beginning to wonder if maybe I was already more generous than I gave myself credit for, but am glad that I’m taking time to exercise that side of me.

I now think that actually my area in most need of development is patience. However, that doesn’t sound anywhere near as much fun… Anyone with any top tips as to how to make cultivating patience a fun activity just drop me a postcard ;)

When I am discouraged

I’ve just found a fab facebook page entitled “our mindful journey” and today share a quote from there:

Student says “I am very discouraged, What should I do?”

Master says “Encourage others”

This speaks to me so much. It feels there is lots I could despair about this morning – all 3 items through my letterbox this morning brought grief in varying degrees! However, I long ago learned that if I dwell on my woes they can overwhelm. If I reach out to others I get a far healthier perspective of the world.

On Sunday, I was in a bad place and instead of going up to others during coffee after church, I stood still. It felt very different. I wondered if in some ways I run from my own fears and inadequacies – if I approach others first, I won’t have to feel the rejection if no-one comes to me. So it was good to stop and notice that is part of my internal messages. And it was also good to remember that reaching out to others is a skill that when I use it, has benefits not just to others but to me too. This is of course not a call to be critical when I or others sensibly respect our own needs to focus on ourselves instead of others, whilst we nurture ourselves.

In choir last night we sang the line “Remember when you give, you’ll always get your share.” I do believe that the more we give away the more we get back. So tempting as it is to clutch my discouragement close to my chest, I shall of course get out there and see what encouragement I am able to give out today…

Friends in my pocket

A long time ago I encountered this idea, that when we have something hard to face and feel isolated, we can remember that actually we have our friends right there in our pocket cheering us on – we are not alone. This was before the time of common mobile phone ownership, and I realise now the concept is even more relevant. The other week a friend had a scary meeting and I reminded him he had friends in his pocket. I even texted him during the meeting so it was literally true – fortunately he’d put his phone on silent.

For all my technological incompetence, I do love the way it can bring us closer and instantly. I go off to all kinds of fun and not so fun things, and I don’t do them on my own. I love that if necessary, my children could call on me in a moment. I love that friends can update me. Of course I can then get pulled – I always like my attention to be with whoever I’m with. So when I’m with a new mum, my focus is on her and I don’t check out that beep until I’m out of her home. And it is of course not good to be over reliant on something so that I would be bereft if the phone was left behind…

Today is going to be a longer than usual work day, and I’m looking forwards to singing later, but meanwhile, I know that wherever I go, I have my friends in my pocket, as they do me. Even where there is no signal J

noticing

Already I feel I’m getting to notice more. I’m loving the book my friend sent me – she’d spoken to me before about mindfulness – how we can sometimes munch through a meal and are so busy doing something else at the same time (yup, that’s me!) that we don’t even really notice what we’re eating, we certainly don’t savour each mouthful. That to be mindful means bringing our awareness to what we are doing/feeling. And so I’m beginning to pay more attention to how soft or hard surfaces feel. To appreciate more the flavour and texture of the food that is sustaining me.

I tried the first practical exercise last night and still have waaaaay to go – my mind doesn’t just wander, it gallops at an incredible speed, bringing to mind people, situations, things I have to do… However, I’m not at all discouraged cos the book is one of self affirmation. And after a fab day of connecting with wonderful people, I very much enjoyed trying to connect with myself too. I hope you take a moment or two today to notice just how amazing you are too…

Didn't we do well :)

A friend pointed me towards a blog that suggested we think about how we want to be on Easter Sunday, and do something for Lent that enables us to get there. I’d like to be more generous and so that’s why I chose the Lenten practice that is enjoyably encouraging me to do that J  And now I’m thinking this principle has mileage. I guess I already use it to a certain extent. So I think to myself, when the kids leave home, what do I want them to look back on in their time here with me. When I’m on my deathbed, what do I want to be glad of that my life contained. It’s a great way of checking I am doing what I want to do with my life. So no, I don’t want to have earned a fortune, I do want to have made a difference. I do want to have grabbed every opportunity to love every person as fully as I’m able to, to have not “wasted” my time in anger or bitterness or fear.

Cliched as it is, this is the one and only life I’m going to get. There are times when it feels like it’s not the life I wanted. And for pretty much everyone I can think of that is the case too – struggles around health, relationships, loss – all of these can leave us feeling powerless victims of circumstances.

I’m loving my Buddhist book and think it is going to sit well with where I am at – that there may be circumstances I can’t control, but I can be in touch with how I feel, I can choose to see the positive, the opportunities, the self discovery in those challenges, I can learn and grow and love myself and others all the better for it. To celebrate all that has brought me to now. To practice loving kindness. And one day I think I will look back and delight at just how well we all did J

The art of being with yourself

A generous friend has sent me a book about meditation through the post and the timing is perfect. I have 6 nights without the children and Ben is working for every one of them. I’ve arranged a few things and will work my socks off, but there will still be that tricky late evening quiet time when the doubts begin to rise.

A lovely friend once exclaimed that it’s ironic that I’m so bad at being on my own when I’m such good company. I pick my friends well, don’t I :)

I think lots of us struggle with this tho - we have stuff we fear to be on our own with so we fill our lives with busyness, with noise of some sort – TV or radio, or music, so that we don’t have to hear whatever it is that comes up when we just stop.

Yesterday’s Lenten challenge was around being out of our comfort zones, being brave. So I started the day by going out in the back garden barefoot for a while and it was intensely cold, but good to do something different. And I began my book. It talks about meditation being “the art of being with yourself” so I think it is going to be just what I need. I hope you also have times when you can enjoy being with your wonderful self.

The scrumpled tissue of love

A friend this week said “Nothing says love like a scrumpled half used tissue.” And she’s right.

Not for me gifts wrapped in cellophane – I never did get the thrill of new and shiny. I’ve much preferred the scarf a friend thought would suit me better than it did her. And I’ve mentioned before some of the best gifts I’ve ever had, all the unexpected and unasked for signs of love and attention  – the vicar who carried my shopping, the Health Visitor who lightly touched my arm as she asked how I was; the cheese on toast, brownies, brews, made when people could see I was in need and knew they could help meet that need.

The cup of tea made by my daughter with a used sugary teabag, the pictures made by my son with such enthusiasm there are smudged fingerprints around the edge.

And then the tissues. That sharing of people that never fails to be a humbling privilege – the time a friend unburdened something they’d never told anyone before; the times people phone up and are so tearful it’s hard to make out all that is said; the moments I’m asked to scratch a back, or have been able to wipe up the blood. And the scrumpled tissue of love.

Letting go of resentment

Following from yesterday’s blog, I have been thinking further about the choices we make in terms of how we react to our lives circumstances. I know not everyone agrees with me on this, but I do think we have many choices, even when we are feeling at our least powerful. I frequently object when one of my children accuses me of “making them feel” something. I don’t think anyone can _make_ us feel anything. I understand only too well that if people are grumpy or mean, we can easily get dragged down too, and it can take a lot of positivity, persistence, or venting in a safe space, not to. But I still believe we have choices – walking away, staying put; getting clarity on who’s stuff it is and whether I want to listen to it or not. The times I have been most inspired is when I hear tell of people who in unimaginably awful situations, have held firm - who have shown love in the face of hatred from prison guards, or bravery despite the pull to despair.

The times I’m least proud of my actions is when I struggle with resentment. I get shouty with the kids at the unfairness of me having to do something that I wish I didn’t have to do – tonight, packing for a holiday they are going on and I am not. But resentment serves no purpose – I do have choices, all the time. So I can get clearer – if it does not make sense for me to go along with something, I can say no. I’m lucky to live in freedom and don’t actually have to do anything I don’t want to. Now of course there are many things I’d rather not do, but still have to for the sake of the bigger picture – and again I have choices. I can go through this divorce with bitterness at the cost and the emotional energy. Where does that get me though? Or I can leave behind my resentment, and whilst not necessarily actively enjoying the process, by letting go of the resentment, it becomes much less of a waste of my life. (There’s a statement I like along the lines of every hour spent in anger is 60 minutes of your life you won’t get back).

So, to all I don’t want to do, first I ask do I have to, does it make sense to? And if it’s right to do it, then what do I need to do in order to do it with grace and not resentment. At the end of my life I want to be able to look back and say that even the hard things I did from a place of love, hope and generosity.

We are what we think

Much as “love is a decision”, I’ve been reading today how “happiness is a decision”. I had a whale of a time yesterday, seeking out and grabbing opportunities to spread the love. That didn’t stop me from having moments of grump and doubt tho, that life is not all I wanted it to be. Today I’ve signed up for this – their steps for happiness are not necessarily new for me but always good to be reminded.

http://www.actionforhappiness.org/10-keys-to-happier-living

Love is it!

I love Valentine’s Day… but only because I’ve made it my own! There’s lots I could dislike about it – the heterosexism, the emphasis on coupledom as being the ideal, the commercialism  and the competitiveness, the isolation for those for whom the day seems to be a snub.

But I love it – I don’t buy anything, but I do use it as an excuse to share the love. As you’ll have noticed, I think love is it, really. It’s what we are about, it’s what life is about. 365 days of the year, it’s what I bang on about, it’s my raison d’etre. But today, lots of other people are going on about it too, and it feels I have more of a licence to declare my love for everyone, to remind people just how very loved they are.

There are risks. Because Valentine’s Day is associated with romance, there’s even more of a chance than usual that my loving overtures will get misconstrued. Last month I bought some flowers for the guy at the estate agent who came to value my house for free even tho he wasn’t supposed to. He seemed quick to mention his wife in the ensuing conversation and I wondered if he thought I was being flirtatious?

Of the 6 types of love mentioned here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHW6cYnpbfM

I ebb and flow with each – like most of us I suspect. Mainly I notice how actually well loved and loving I am in each of the 6, but there are times when I could be more in tune with love for myself. And the one I feel I could practice more of is ludic love – I’m often scared it will be perceived as flirtation and imagine that everyone else is obsessed with eros, when probably everyone is just delighted to experience a little love. So today my aim is to play, to dance, to show my love lightly. I had fun with my generosity pack yesterday and have restocked it again ready for today… Bring it on!

Lent – in a better place!

The post-it note saying “thankyou for caring” that I placed on a dog poo bin over 2 months ago is still there. When I see it, I get a buzz – doing nice things really does pay over and over again – benefitting others and lifting our spirits too. So when I just spotted this, I danced with glee – here is something for lent I can do!

http://www.40acts.org.uk/blog/create-a-generosity-kit/

And so I’m about to pack my kit – tissues, cos someone often could do with an tissue and what a joy it is to catch the snot before it drips off the end of your nose! A small chocolate bar. Some coins. The other day I was asked for some change and I emptied my purse but the problem was I’d just given all the silver to Ben for parking, so only had copper – that won’t be a problem this lent! I’ll have a think what else and will let you know how it goes…

Creatures of habit

I didn’t think I liked routines – restrictive things that boxed me in and wouldn’t allow me to be creative and responsive to the here and now. So it’s good to notice that I’ve perhaps got into a rut. Sunday late afternoon is the time I usually put the bins out and so either go round emptying all the inside bins and maybe have a bit of a tidy, or – if it’s green bin week – go out into the garden to gather as much debris there as I can possible cram into the wheelie bin. And then it’s the usual school night prep for the day before.

Only last night for the first Sunday eve ever, I didn’t have the kids, and went to see a film, and had to find different ways to occupy myself in the evening. Post-film it was too dark to garden, but as I didn’t have to get the kids ready for school this morning, I asked what was stopping me from going out this morning before work to do it? Only a sense that it wasn’t what I “normally” did. And so out I went, in my wellies and PJs and reminded myself how much I love the early morning air. And how I don’t have to be a slave to convention or people’s expectations, but actually can shape my own life a little J

Lent

I don’t usually give things up for lent but was encouraged this year to think about doing so as a bunch of friends are fasting, and so together we could cheer each other on. I know my body won’t manage a fast so I offered to only drink water for all my drinks, so no tea, or fruit juice or alcohol or anything for the whole of Lent. I was interested to then note my panic. I’m mainly a woman of simple pleasures and am aware of some of the “comfort blankets” I make use of when I’m feeling low. I recently seem to have lost several of these and am concerned that if I can’t make myself a calming brew then is it actually a strategy lost that has been helping me cope when things are otherwise overwhelming?

I understand that it would be useful to lean only on God and not have these crutches of a good novel, a friend’s ear, or an Earl Grey. But actually, to do away with all that I lean on is maybe to chuck out the baby with the bathwater. For me right now as I’m struggling with some hard stuff, being gentle on myself is maybe more of an appropriate challenge than proving I can deny myself. I think God is in the tea, in the friend, in the novel. Maybe next year I’ll be in a better place – I love Peter Singer’s challenge that we do have money to spare if we ever drink anything other than tap water.

As the wise instigator of the fast said, it’s about grace, not guilt, and so with God’s grace, I shall continue to lean on God, through the teabags…

Showers of blessings

Thinking about it, I did lie once, when I was about 15. I wonder if this means I should expect more, or less rain?* Maybe I have lied more than that once, but maybe not – honesty is incredibly important to me – Ben says it’s cos I’m an Ox and we value it. Anyhow, it seems to be raining on me at the moment and I wonder if actually things aren’t going wrong any more than they usually do, we just notice it more when we’re in a difficult place? So I need to keep on focussing on all the appliances in my house that are working rather than the ones that aren’t. All the relationships that are going smoothly rather than the ones that aren’t. All the steps forward I’m taking rather than the setbacks.

And of course, to enjoy the rain, to dance in it and to sing Tyndale’s “It’s raining, it’s pouring, Showers of blessings are now falling…”

*This is a reference to a Travis song, “Why does it always rain on me, is it because I lied when I was 17?”

Faith, hope and love

People think I’m an optimist as I always see the good in everyone and each situation. But I’m beginning to wonder if actually I’m naturally a pessimist, and it’s just that I force myself to seek out the hope, the learning, as that seems the best way to grow?

When I first became a parent, some of the challenges seemed immense and I remember telling myself over and over as a survival tactic “it’s not going to last forever.” And I was right, those challenges have changed over time and what I found hard in the first few weeks became bearable or the problem went away and new challenges came and each time I rose to them and got through them.

Maybe this is what faith is. When I can’t in the present imagine a time when the challenge will have been overcome, because I’m still living it, it’s having the faith that I will come out the other side. Last night I wondered if I’m just kidding myself, that for all my trying to see the positive, I can’t change the outcome – positivity can’t raise the dead! That I need to accept situations as they are instead of keeping on hoping for the best. But I think that’s the point isn’t it. I can’t change what happens, I can only change how I react to it. What a situation “is” is partly how I feel about it, so I can choose to see it as a stumbling block or a stepping stone. Loss remains real and grieving for the loss makes sense rather than denying it. But it is never The End.

My belief structure isn’t one that says God has a plan and is in control, so my faith isn’t about trusting that “He knows what he’s doing”. My faith is in a loving God, and so the trust is that love remains. These challenges and doubts too will pass, and love will still be there.

Never ending story

I’m in that paradoxical place of wanting to know how my book works out but actually not wanting it to end as I have enjoyed inhabiting its world so much. It’s the 3^rd book in a long trilogy so I’ve been living there for some time now. Retreating into a magical world to be consumed by the concerns of others is a great way of taking me out of myself and my own worries. At first glance this trilogy might not seem up my street as the main character is an assassin. However, I have really enjoyed the concept of “Skilling” whereby a few of the characters are able to connect with each other through thoughts alone. I tried something similar with my best friend once and it didn’t work – it’s the stuff of stories and I prefer regular ways of communicating. But there was a bit I read last night that I found very powerful, in which “the Fool” discovered when he entered the main character’s thoughts, that he really was loved, it hadn’t just been words.

My son and I have been at odds a fair bit recently and it surprises me – I feel SO much love for him and yet we still fall out and shout, and I wonder if he really actually knows just how large my love for him is? I love lots and lots of people massively and they probably don’t really know, cos it can be hard to “know” that, I think. I’ve written before about how we love each other way more than we have a picture of. If only we had the Skill to get in touch with that, and recognise just how very loved we are.

Rollercoaster

I had such a fab day yesterday, my heart felt like it would burst with how much love and joy was in it – no space for fear whatsoever J I only ever seem to get glimpses of how it might be to live that trustingly tho – the doubts then come back. What I need to hold onto is the constant truth is I am beloved, whether I am aware of that intensely, or can barely register it. Obviously, the feeling of elation is fantastic. The downs are much harder to live with. I notice that some other people appear to live on a more even keel and wonder if I could somehow try that instead, maybe pace myself so that the highs don’t get so high so that the lows don’t get so low? But I wouldn’t do away with my extreme feelings. I have had lots of great uninterrupted chats with my girly this weekend. I was telling her that even tho I don’t like the times when I feel sad, I would miss my emotions if I didn’t have them. To which the smart cookie replied “You wouldn’t. If you didn’t have emotions you wouldn’t be able to miss them…” How she makes me smile J

Can you feel it?

February already feels markedly different. Waking up to the warmth of central heating makes it so much easier to focus on all that’s great, rather than feeling cold and miserable. Or maybe it’s cos I’ve decided to notice just how well loved I am? February is traditionally a month to feel pressure to find the perfect way to show just how much you love a particular someone. No surprise that I don’t do the lining of company pockets – like my Dad and birthdays, I don’t see why we should have just one day to let someone know how much they mean to us. And as you know, I think it’s brilliant to love as many people as we possibly can, as much as we can.

I’m having a weekend of good attention towards and from my daughter. It’s fab. We’re both loving it. So I won’t linger here…