Sweet dreams

I do like a beautiful smell ( tho nothing overpowering, and I don't do perfume) so what a joy yesterday to be given a particularly lovely lush bath bomb, that when left on my pillow for a couple of hours, scented my dreams as I drifted off to sleep. I've now moved it to my t shirt drawer and think I'll keep shifting its location.
The delight has continued today... I was so pleased to see my daughter's polling card. Not only does it signal her transition to adulthood, it gives me hope that maybe a new generation of voters will want something better than our current situation. I desperately hope so.

Well-being

Each year I get to pick a "shared value" of my work team, and demonstrate throughout the year that I'm working on it. This year I've chosen "valuing our well-being" and am noting the "our" - it's not going to be all about me... But it can start with me :-)
I've found that - especially when I work a late night, but even when I don't - I'm prone to waking up in the middle of the night, mulling tasks over, planning what to do next. I'm going to try various strategies to stop doing this, beginning with firmly (but gently) telling myself "not now" and deliberately shifting my thoughts, repeatedly if they get dragged back. I'm increasing my attempts at calming yoga each night. And will look out for other strategies too. Of course I don't want to find I'm adding to my stress by piling pressure onto the first work based frets with a follow up of " I'm meant to be evidencing that I'm getting better at this"!
I think it's an important attitude and one others could consider too. Yesterday I knew that I was doing the driver behind a favour, but he didn't see it like that with his gesturing and grumbling. But if I had ploughed into the cyclists in front who were turning right, he'd have had to use even more of his day sat there, to give a witness statement etc. I tried to be generous towards him, maybe he was desperate to get to hospital to be with a dying loved one. We never know what's going on for anyone else.
When we don't prioritize our wellbeing, my experience says our bodies take it upon themselves to make us do so, and we get sick so that we have to slow down, reassess and hopefully learn. Today is one of those fabulous days when I didn't have to set an alarm, and there is nowhere I have to be at any time of today. Of course there are things that need doing... If I miss a day of laundry it starts to pile up, and I do need to plan Sunday school for tomorrow. And the leaking tap is bugging me. But mainly today I can tune into my flow and go with it. I hope you too get a day like that soon.

Knitting rainbows

My partner is a tele watching kind of person. I'm not a tele watching kind of person. But I've found a compromise - if I can knit Christmas presents (scarves, I only do straight lines) during his quiz shows then it works ok for me. If he's watching - I say watching, sometimes it's more background - a programme with a storyline I've learned it's best if I go and read upstairs as otherwise I'm unwillingly sucked into the narrative when he's not necessarily watching anyway. My aging eyes are not so good now at shifting between the screen and the knitting, so I can only knit if I'm not actually wanting to view what's on.
Today's a full on day of church (Fijian lunch after the Harvest service) then work over Manchester way, so I'm pleased to have managed lots of relaxing yesterday. Book group book in the bath, film cuddled up on the sofa in the evening, plus a lovely stint of volunteering in the morning. I do like it when I achieve balance!

Imagery of calm

I was going to blog yesterday then discovered the one I'd written the week before hadn't posted. I have more time today any way... I am enjoying my weekends even more since starting a full time job as it's an opportunity to do things I've not had chance to do during the week. This term in particular tho I will be working a fair bit at weekends and evenings so I will be juggling when I'm working.

The word juggle is one I've been using a lot to describe how I feel about trying to be a good enough parent, worker, partner, daughter, friend etc. It's a better image than the one I was holding yesterday, which was of being stretched, for which the mental visual was one of being on a torture rack and pulled. At least the juggle image conjours happy times of clowns and fun. I currently am picturing myself with a full tray of crockery that I'm trying to keep upright, whilst I'm doing my best to move on some kind of large turquoise rubber ball. I'm wobbling all over the place whilst glasses slide precariously around the tray, in some cases tipping over the edge and smashing on the ground.

Attempting to be present whilst fretting I should be elsewhere is a challenge, but there's no point rearranging my work day to ensure I can be supportive at a hospital appointment if I then can't focus on actually being there, so it's important once I've committed to being in the one place to not wish I was in another. Sometimes I manage it, sometimes I don't and have been stressed and grumpy.

I wonder if I can change the picture I have of myself as that will alter how I actually am. To imagine myself in a more serene way. I once felt really calm on a low boat and remember telling myself to take an internal photo of just how smooth and peaceful it all was. Now is the time to relive that experience and embody that tranquillity.

More than once people have commented on my zen attitude, so I know I can do it. Hope you too today can embody whatever it is you want :-)

Greenbelt firsts

I've been to around 23 greenbelts now and have experienced each differently, especially whilst taking offspring from when they were brand new to now when I have minimal parental involvement. There were several firsts this year. Arriving in 28 degrees, departing in 31, with higher temperatures in the middle. This means for the first time I purchased an icecream at greenbelt. Better still was the next day when I bought a slushie... Normally the artificial colours and flavours would be far from desirable, yet it was one of the most perfect things in that moment, under the trees enjoying the shade.
My partner was only 3 weeks post-surgery so our aim was to take things easy and not push ourselves. The heat and sun necessitated it anyway, so we had a lovely laidback festival, lounging rather than dashing. At one point this meant we had the joy of an unprogrammed set starting up next to where we were resting. We also made the decision to eat more on site rather than traipse to and from our distant tent, which meant lots of delicious meals.
There were some inspiring speakers. It was great to hear Nadia again, we had not one, but 3 copies of her new book signed. And Russell Brand had a beautiful humility. I'm trying to put into practice what he said when he was asked about people who misunderstand him. He spoke about how it's not his purpose to try and make people see him a particular way, his task is only to serve and love. I can see how any of us could expend unnecessary energy concerned by if others have the right impression of us when actually that doesn't matter at all. This morning when I was praying before embarking on a tricky conversation, I reminded myself that all I want and need to do is love love love. If I just stay focussed on that, all is well.

This greenbelt marked a year since starting my job with the Methodist church, and as a result felt different. I knew I'd bump into colleagues and people I know through work, and I wondered if that would make the festival more like work than fun. Life/discipleship/work are definitely intertwined, so sometimes I noted things that would be useful for work. But it didn't make it less fun. I think my job involves a lot of fun and in many ways reminds me of greenbelt all year round. The kind of books I need to read for work are the sort of things I'd hear as talks at the festival. The kind of people I meet throughout my working week remind me of the impromptu communities that form on the August bank holiday weekend.
Hurrah!

Erasure

Not the band, tho I do like them.
I've been thinking about who is hidden, when others are visible. Like how in the Bible many female characters are not even named. How in many recordings of history, only certain perspectives are noted. It's so important in every meeting or discussion we find ourselves in, to keep considering which voices are missing here, where are the views of the working class or Black or Asian folk, are we just hearing from White heterosexual male leaders? I watched the film Peterloo last week and am still troubled by it.

I also saw a quote this week, from Gustavo Gutierrez
So you say you love the poor?
Name them.

It's all about being involved. And yet not without its challenges.

Emblazoned on my heart

I'm wearing my favourite t shirt today. Made for me by a friend some 14 years ago, it features my children's names, as written by my girly when she'd not long learned to write. I'm missing her lots whilst she's on the other side of the world, so it seemed a good idea to wear it.
It has been an intense time these last couple of weeks whilst she's been away and I have missed her grounding hugs and wisdom, tho many friends have proferred hugs for which I'm grateful. I have - as always - been reflective, tho some is not appropriate for blogging. Here are some observations tho :
Hospital parking is blooming expensive.
It would be v tricky to reduce single use plastic as a patient.
Pots still need watering even when it rains.
Showing up matters - whether it's a quick text or an offered hug.
It is better to pack more food than you think you'll need.

Time

I'm still reeling with shock that a man was murdered yesterday in a road rage incident not far from my house. There's so much that's horrific about this and I'm struck by how people's lives can change in an instant. The family and friends of the man. Those who saw it take place. The 4 young people in the car whose life trajectory will now be shaped by what happened.
I can think of several life altering moments in my own life, usually unexpected telephone calls with unhappy news. Yet I know life is more than this, we are more than the out of the blue changes, that the daily small interactions shape us too.
For me this has felt like an incredibly long week. Time is weird isn't it. I guess we can make the most of it however it feels.

Singlist

I can't recall ever noticing this much stress in my body before, so am giving myself some intensive TLC tonight. Breathing and biscuits in the newly uncovered garden, and some loud singing and dancing to get that tension out. I thought I'd compile a sing list.

Run, leona lewis
Idlewild, Travis ft Josephine oniyama
Fix you, Coldplay
Somewhere only we know, Keane
True colors, cyndi lauper
You raise me up, josh groban
Let it be, The beatles
Hallelujah, alexandra Burke
You say Lauren Daigle
Ooh child, five stairsteps
I am not forgotten, Israel Houghton

Dystopia

I'm not feeling at my most hopeful at the moment. I didn't even make it to church yesterday, which is unusual. I applied my remedies tho... Saw a friend, ate nice food and had a good sing - karaoke in the lounge by myself, the dog slightly perturbed by my enthusiasm.
Part of it stems I think from my recent entertainment being dystopian fiction. I think the tv programme 'Years and years' is brilliant. Set in the not too distant future, I have found it depressing because I think it's so plausible. My book group book, The Circle, also doesn't seem impossible, with its obsessive watching of folk and compulsion to acquire "likes". Meanwhile the Tory leadership contest has its own dystopian feel yet is an actual reality going on in my background, nothing I can do about it so I need to focus on the things in my life I can influence.
Years and years ends this week and I get a new book group book on Wednesday. I think I need to seek out that which brings joy and hope so will keep my eyes open. There's an abundance of flowers and a whole lot of lovely people out there. That's what I need to fill my time with.

Managing risk

It's been a tricky old time, not much wiggle room for anything. The grass is as high as an elephants eye (almost) and blogging hasn't happened. I bought myself a further copy of embracing uncertainty, as I was uncertain where my current copy is :-) but not even opened that. Still hopefully just a few weeks more and then hopefully things will be on a firmer footing.
Meanwhile I've been annoyed by insurance and need to make a sensible decision about my girly's phone rather than a knee-jerk reaction to the extortionate amount I paid last time. It can feel hard to know what to do about protecting against a potential future when of course we don't know what the future holds.  I wish I could just live in the now, and not have to make decisions about pensions and insurance. Being a grown up sucks sometimes.
This weekend I'm trying to imitate my dog instead. He doesn't seem troubled by what is to come and spends his life sleeping on the sofa, eating, and the occasional bit of curiosity. Sounds good to me.

Messy

 But if the world is watching, we might as well tell the truth. And the truth is, the church doesn't offer a cure. It doesn't offer a quick fix. The church offers death and resurrection. The church offers the messy, inconvenient, gut-wrenching, never-ending work of healing and reconciliation.

Rachel Held Evans

I can't claim to be fully conversant with all of Rachel Held Evans' work, tho I aim to rectify that a bit. She died yesterday, at the age of 37, and it feels important to share her wisdom and insight that so many of us need.

I particularly relate to this quote at the moment, as I am grateful for folk in the church who stay alongside when things are messy. I also know it's what I'm called to, to keep on loving even when it's inconvenient, feels never ending, and is the kind of love involving pain and doubt rather than flowers and sunshine. Gifts of growth rather than jewellery are far more my thing.

Healing and reconciliation are not simple actions but ongoing processes. Endings are not the end but an integral part of development. It's not a sanitised, easy to digest message. It's one that gives genuine hope tho.

Rest

The dog hurt his paw a while back and the vet said he needed to rest. The dog however doesn't understand this instruction and is not resting well. Even when his limp was at it's most severe he'd hobble around hopefully, thinking he was about to go on a long walk.
This weekend I too need to rest. I'm much more understanding of this need and am happily ensconced on the sofa. If only the dog would stop whining..,

Not giving up giving up

Lent ends tomorrow,but my commitments do not. I tried a whole range of things this year, taking some inspiration from 40 Acts ( daily suggestions for acts of generosity) that saw me raise conversations about period poverty for example. I also made more of an effort to choose vegan. Mainly tho my efforts focussed in reducing my plastic usage. This was really quite tricky, and I didn't always manage. Some foods we have not had much of as a result - soft fruit for example which I couldn't source without plastic. But overall what we have eaten has tasted better as I've had to put effort in to avoid tubs.
The warm potato salad I've just consumed was delicious; the coleslaw I made earlier this week really felt like I could definitely count it as vegetable portions; the hummus a garlicky delight. Better yet I then used the chickpea water to make a vegan meringue topping for a lemon meringue. I didnt whisk it long enough but it still tasted yummy.

Flamborough head

I didn't realise how lovely it is at Flamborough head. And how from different angles it can look so different.

I can

I can't control:
The sea
The cockerel from crowing at 4.30
What people do
Who wants to be with me

I can control:
What I do

Yesterday I had a couple of adventures, and started a novel lent to me by a colleague, that's based on Hosea.
I wonder what I will do today, last full day here.
Some pics from the last two days :

Sounds of the shore

I'm definitely getting better at spending time in my own company. The trick is trying to move beyond the feelings that people don't want to spend time with me, to seeing it as an opportunity to spend quality time with myself and God. This morning I enjoyed 3 hours, mostly on the beach (I know,I don't even like beaches!) And had a lovely time, singing, clambering, noticing. A song from my primary school came back to me unbidden, about listening to God at the shore. I think I heard God more in the pebbles as the water receded and they rubbed up against each other. It was interesting watching the waves, unpredictable and so powerful. I've had bad experiences of waves before (tho also positive ones as a young child, when I was nicknamed surfer the great).
I even posted on fb a video of myself singing some of the song - as you'll remember my only regret this year was not recording myself singing swing low, with the amazing acoustics, in Beaumaris Castle Chapel. I need to stop being afraid of other people's judgements and just do things anyway. I can't post it here tho as it's too big to upload.

No need to fret

Last night I was part of a trio singing a verse that included the line "no need to fret, no need to fear" from a rather large stage at the opera house. I did fret, and my tummy still hasn't unknotted itself. Something would have to be different for me to want to do that again as that feeling of sickness is horrible and I'd much rather sing and enjoy it.

There's been some great bits this week, I got very excited by an article by Jane Leach about the pastoral theology of attention, all about noticing voices. This helped compensate for my disappointment on reading the highly anticipated love languages of God book. I was fooled by the promising rainbow splashed cover and subtitle about us reflecting divine love. Whilst the concept of the 5 love languages remains of interest to me, I couldn't bear the hideous theology of sickness, his abhorrent views around sexuality and his inability to use inclusive language, all somewhat surprising in a book about love.

I'm hoping to soon borrow a book about noticing impacts on our body. Right now with my twisted insides, it feels that info could be useful!

Beaumaris / Brexit

Last week I got to have a good look around Beaumaris castle, an excellent place for hide and seek with it's long corridors, myriad toilet cubby holes and symmetrical layout of towers and double walls. Ranked by UNESCO as a world heritage site, there was lots to enjoy, and my only regret (and I don't usually have regrets) is that I didn't video myself singing "swing low sweet chariot" in the chapel, as the acoustics were the best I've ever heard.

And yet it was never finished, this great example of a castle never got to be a castle, money ran out, and all those years of effort by so many labourers were wasted when the desires of the elite changed and finances were diverted to warring elsewhere.
Given that the news that day - as most days- was about Brexit, I couldn't help but draw similarities. I'm so cross that so much energy and money is going into what strikes me as a folly, when there is so much else we could be paying attention to, like addressing climate change, and tackling the growing use of food banks.
Despite never being completed, beaumaris still brings delight and learning today, so I guess wasn't totally in vain. I really hope that years down the line some good can come from this Brexit process, that it will have given a chance for people's voices and concerns over how we fit into Europe, to have been heard. The endless debating infuriates me and I suspect we will never really reach an end as whatever the outcome, people's perspectives on it will still need to be heard. As always, I want to stay focussed on where I can make a difference, and my own eternal question is more around "what matters?" Which for me is only how we keep on loving, whatever the situation...

Bruise

I am thoroughly enjoying my job and yesterday ran an event and noticed I felt so at ease. It is using a lot of my gifts and I really like how every day is so different. It wasn't all delightful tho. The kitchen entrance had an open child gate on it, and for some reason, every single time I entered the kitchen, I bumped my thigh on the frame. By the afternoon I was developing a bruise on the bruise and it was rather tender. I was really surprised that I kept not learning, but repeating my mistake despite the pain. One colleague said that next time she'd have to remove the frame for me. I'm not sure how easy that would be but it got me thinking. How many times do we make the same error before we start to do something differently? And might it sometimes be worth removing the source of pain if we really are struggling to adjust?
I'm a big believer in our ability to develop, to learn from our failings. But it's good to be open to other options. Maybe next time I could take a little cushion or something, to tape over the offending sticky out bit?
Today I wish you ease for the things that repeatedly bruise you.

Droplets from "the places that scare you" by Pema Chodron

I took action, yay, and bought myself the book, only £1.50 second hand, I'm pretty easy to please :-) Already on page 1 there were two quotes I wanted to share so I kept a running collection of them, which is why this blog post has taken a while to materialize.

It is very much a book centred around Buddhist teaching, so if that's not for you, maybe you wouldn't enjoy this book. However I'd recommend it any way, for as Suzuki Roshi is quoted as saying at the start on having an open mind - " In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's there are few".

As a beginner, the book contains a fair few concepts that I've not been able to get my head round. I have a friend who may be willing to help me understand the Buddhist teachings better than I managed on my own reading of this book. Lots to think about tho. And she writes: "If we put it [a drop of water] on a rock in the sunshine, it will soon evaporate. If we put it in the ocean, however, it will never be lost. Thus the wish is made that we not keep the teachings to ourselves but use them to benefit others"
Now of course technically nothing is ever lost in the closed water cycle, it merely converts to another form. But I like how it can symbolise for us that putting our learning alongside that of others is better than staking it out as exclusively our own.

There's lots on how we create fear as we seek stability rather than accept how things are, in a constant state of change. As she says, "there is no cure for hot and cold." Later in the book there's a similar call to seek equanimity rather than be pulled to hope or fear. I've had to reexamine already my predilection towards hope so this interests me. I understand what she is saying, that we can get caught in a cycle of attraction and aversion, and can see merit in "the vast mind that doesn't narrow reality into for and against"

In the chapter on strength I like her call to a "commitment to use our lives to dissolve the indifference, aggression and grasping that separates us from one another... to respect whatever life brings... to use discomfort as an opportunity for awakening, rather than trying to make it disappear". The end of the book focuses on our pull towards comfort. It's been interesting, but has taken some effort. I already have my next non fiction book lined up, "The love languages of God" by Gary Chapman. I wonder if you'll get to hear about that too?

Enigma

Note to self: whilst I want to keep watching films that raise vital social justice issues, these are best watched when there is then time to channel my outrage, rather than me try to sleep after. It's not even the first time I've watched The Imitation Game, and I rarely watch films twice. Once again I'm appalled, upset, and so angry. And of course I can't guarantee I would have stood up against homophobia or slavery even tho I'd like to think I would; and there are no doubt atrocities happening right now that I'm turning a blind eye to that future generations will ask why didn't I act.
The current book group book, Homegoing, is horrific too, about the treatment of black people throughout history. Right now I'm feeling pretty disgusted with how so many of us treat others. We still have a lot to learn.

Sensitivity

You may remember that I like to be warm, frequently to be found in at least one scarf and a big fan of the unexpectedly large amount of heat generated by candles. Thankfully it's a mild weekend to have a boiler on the blink, but I'm still missing it. At 14 degrees in my room, that's enough to spark a headache, so as soon as my girly heads to her dad's I'm going to acquire the oil radiator from her room to take the chill off mine.
I really don't know how people on the street physically survive, and indeed I'm aware that many do not. When I get overly cold I can feel my body starting to shut down. I know some people don't register temperature so intently, I see them out in shorts no matter what the wind chill factor. Is it to do with our varying regulation systems? Maybe I'm just a sensitive soul?
I know I'm sensitive on the emotional front (probably not news to anyone) and have been particularly moved by the last two films I've chosen, crying copious amounts even for me. I'd highly recommend both - Lion, and The Shack. Identifying strongly with the feelings of loss by a parent in both cases, I found them really powerful. Watch them and weep :-)

Knickers to the naysayers :-)

There are some people who tell me that I take my principles too far. I suspect that my achievement this afternoon will confirm that in their eyes... But that's their view and they're welcome to it. I am feeling super proud that rather than throw out a 20+ year old pair of favourite knickers, I used some material from the rag bag to regusset them so they look as good as new :-) This for me is not make-do-and-mend, as I don't feel I'm making do. And whilst I can afford new underwear, I don't believe the planet can...

Celebrating the cards I've been dealt

I have found this to be a very powerful quote this week, by Cheryl Strayed:
"You don't have a right to the cards you believe you should have been dealt. You have an obligation to play the hell out of the ones you're holding"

Now I don't think anyone has an obligation to anything, but the quote speaks to me about what we can and can't control. I think lots of us struggle with a sense of entitlement, that our lives should be a certain way and it feels unfair that it's not. If we could let go of that, how much easier we'd find things. I definitely have cards I wouldn't have picked for myself but the more I can accept that these are my cards and there's no point wishing I had different ones, and indeed celebrate the ones I have, the better my experience of life becomes. And I do have some brilliant cards in my hand :-)

What in your own deck excites you?

Stillness

It had been a blessing to see so much of Mary Oliver's poetry shared this week, following her death. Much has been new to me. This I saw today is apt, as I write this in my dressing gown, from my bed, which has been my resting place for the day after a second dizzy spell in a few days has warned me that I need to stop awhile.

Today
-Mary Oliver

Today I’m flying low and I’m
not saying a word.
I’m letting all the voodoos of ambition sleep.

The world goes on as it must,
the bees in the garden rumbling a little,
the fish leaping, the gnats getting eaten.
And so forth.

But I’m taking the day off.
Quiet as a feather.
I hardly move though really I’m traveling
a terrific distance.

Stillness.  One of the doors
into the temple.

I maybe am meant to have more practice at letting ambition sleep - it's hard not to wish I was doing a raft of things - preparing for the week like I often do on a Sunday (no getting in fruit for the week or making of a wholesome soup to snack on. I have managed to put the bins out and washing on, tho, woo hoo). I've had to forego one of my favourite services of the year. I really hope I am travelling a great distance and that my body will be fully recovered for another action packed work week. Til then it's more letting go and snoozing...

Recreation

I am slowly but surely rearranging stuff in my bedroom so that it is more of a relaxing space. My yoga mat is now constantly out as that way I'm more likely to use it. Just a bit more clutter to shift and then I won't keep resting on files when I do my sidewards floor stretches :-)
I have even shifted most of the clothes that perch on the rocking chair and on several occasions today have sat in it, next to the window, reading, casting glances at the sky and tree branches. Bliss.
The whole day has been filled with doing the kind of things I like to do, a really good balance. For exercise I have walked the dog and done some morning yoga, I'm intending to do a nighttime one before bed too. I've eaten nice things not just cake, tho obviously cake. Hummous and salad too). I've sung in church and stretched my mind around some Buddhist teachings in my latest book. I have had two wonderful phone conversations with friends, one of whom I've not spoken to in over a year. My plan after tea is a novel in the bath.
There of course has been the usual Sunday chores of washing and bins and the food shop but mainly it has been filled with what I needed. I hope you too have managed the recreation you need :-)

The places that scare you

Faster than I'm making my way through my book pile, I'm generating a list of more books I'm keen to read. Brene Brown is inspirational, so as well as the rest of her collection, she refers to a book by Pema Chodron called "the places that scare you" that sounds brilliant. I'm currently reading about empathy and compassion in Brene's book, and was struck by her comment that compassion is not always listening to someone's story, but sometimes sitting alongside someone in their fear about not being ready to share. I wonder if as I myself do a lot of sharing, weeping and reflecting on my darker aspects, maybe I'm sometimes not as patient as I could be with those less willing to soul search?

In the book I'm now ordered to read next, Chodron explains "Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently toward what scares us. The trick to doing this is to stay with the emotional distress without tightening into aversion, to let fear soften us rather than harden into resistance."
This sounds remarkably like the kind of counselling I do. And I like how Brene calls compassion a practice, as we have to keep practising, and make a commitment to it.

I've also been amused by a clip on the internet of a dog who watches their owner put a dog treat under one of two beakers, follows it as they are switched several times and successfully identifies which one it is so is rewarded with the treat. Then looks incredulous when the other beaker is lifted to reveal a mountain of treats. For some reason this really speaks to me. Not only how humans can be mean and superior (which I'm thinking about a lot at the moment in relation to climate change), but how I too perhaps slavishly follow what I think is the prize, keeping my eyes on what others set up for me to focus on. What if we too mistakenly assume the other options are less rewarding? Food for thought :-)

Talk sing move

Nearly a week in and so far I'm doing ok with the resolutions. Whilst I've not actually made any concrete plans yet, I've made a start contacting a couple of friends to arrange to meet up.
On a few occasions I've made a conscious effort to put my tablet down and pick up my book instead so I'm pleased about that. And I've managed a short yoga session most days :-)

Yesterday I was really struggling with my mental health and was particularly proud of myself for remembering the central tenet of the Fischy song, "keep the blues away" which encourages us to talk, sing, move. My usual go-to tactics are the first two but I tried the third. I wanted to cycle to my nearby cafe but apparently the bikes needed checking over so it was suggested we walked instead. This might have been a bluff but I agreed, and set off at a fast pace, as after all the point was to get the endorphins going, not merely amble. At 9.75 miles it was dark by the time we got back, but it certainly helped.

The camera never lies/ visual distortions

I've long known that images are very much constructed rather than a reflection of reality. When I visited the pyramids near Cairo I was cross with myself for only taking classic shots when I could have taken a photo that showed how close they are to urban life rather than in the middle of nowhere which my pictures suggested. Still those were the days of developing roles of film when each shutter click was more precious.
Over the festive period I've been struck by how many photos in my facebook feed displayed parents hanging out with their offspring and I've wanted to ask how that happens for them. Only then I realised that my current profile pic is of me with my two, a nanosecond of time when we did share the same airspace so I captured it and made it my pic so I could celebrate such an occurrence. Whilst _I _know how rare that moment was, anyone seeing it might think it reflects my whole life, when it is of course just a snapshot, like every one else's pictures.

Disruption

I noticed that one of the things I like most about walks in Dufton is the sound of streams tinkling over rocks. In observing that the places that I find most beautiful are the patches where the surface is disturbed, it reminded me of a recent conversation with a colleague. It was pointed out that our times of greatest learning are at times of disruption, when our thoughts are shaken from well worn grooves. And I reflected that I have found this true for me too. My most significant personal learning and growth have occurred when my circumstances have been most disturbed, not at times of smoothness.

That's a bit of a nuisance tho. Times of ease are more comfortable than times of disruption. Pesky that.