That which I do have power over

At the cusp of a new year it is a good time to reflect on what I want to take charge of and try differently. I've just extended my last blog on questions, as it is a particularly good time to be asking ourselves questions.

I've noticed I've been struggling with the feeling that I am no longer anyone's number one's priority. This has some basis in reality - I used to have a spouse who had made various promises, and I used to have young children  and when they are little, as their mum you are the centre of their universe :) Having done that role well, they now are independent with lives very distinct from my own. Tho I have asked that we play family games and do some hanging out on the two days I have booked off this week, so I'm hoping that comes to pass as I am looking forward to that.

The truth is tho that I believe the only way we will successfully live our lives, even if we have a spouse or young children, is to remember that we have to prioritise ourselves (the putting on our own oxygen mask first example that I keep coming back to as the best tip I have ever received). If everyone took responsibility for working on their own baggage, and so didn't have expectations of others to fulfil their needs, we would all get along a whole lot better I think :)

And so I'm taking charge of my life -
Here's what I want to change and my first steps for each in bringing that about.

1. Do more yoga. a) remove the old desk that is taking up my floor space whilst it waits for someone on freegle to want it. b) set up mat. c) set alarm on phone that prompts me each day to have a session.

2. See my friends more  - some of my closest friends I've not seen in years. a) make a list, b) contact each and actually work out a date.

3. Read more - a) simply stop checking Facebook so often. And stop waiting on other people's timetables and just do my own thing :)

What do you want to change in your own life?

Good questions

I like a good question, I'm frequently asking myself and others all kinds of interesting ones. I've realised that it's why I have a good fit in my new job, my ability to ask people the sort of questions that can help. Fascinatingly, it is the one area where I am out of type in my myers briggs profile, and in the suggestions section it points out that not everyone likes to be asked a barrage of questions. I have on numerous occasions been asked by my loved ones to stop with the badgering.
I was alerted to these and think they're great. There are several I can't answer so will come back to.

http://www.marcandangel.com/2018/12/28/19-questions-that-will-open-your-mind-in-2019/

Giving

The preacher on Sunday encouraged us to think about those we knew personally who might be struggling. So I bought some chocolate and arranged to pop in to see someone who has had a rough time recently. Turned out to be the highlight of my day. I was clambered over by attentive gorgeous children, had a brew and a chat, and for that hour had purpose and company :-) Maybe it's not even that giving is better than receiving, maybe it's that we receive when we give.
Christmas day and what I'm most looking forward to is my time on the helpline. It's not usually busy so I may not get company, but even if there are no calls, by ensuring it's open, I will have purpose :-)

Complex

We are complex beings, capable of experiencing several emotions simultaneously. I find it completely possible to scroll through my Facebook feed and feel genuine delight at seeing the happy faces of friends having jolly times, whilst also noticing my sadness that for me it's not a day to capture cheery memories. I know there will be other days tho, that I persuade people to join me in something fun or novel.
And there will also be days when I don't even have to persuade people, the joy will happen and it won't be because I insisted :-)

Connect your charger

My tablet frequently tells me to connect my charger. I think it's a message to me too. I'm currently using up some annual leave so working intermittently but in between there's still lots of jobs rather than downtime. I did watch a film yesterday... On my own, which is unheard of. I am glad I watched it but I would always rather have company.
I'm already finding this time of year hard. Lots of people asking about my plans for Christmas. It's the time I most struggle with the feelings that this wasn't how things were meant to be. I hate that my children's time gets divided between families, I hate saying goodbye to them for a week on Christmas day.
I've heard of some "blue Christmas" services for people who struggle to be merry at this time of year  My nearest isn't all that near, I'll possibly go, but I'm thinking maybe next year I can see if we can run one locally, ie put one on myself. See a need,  fill a need!

Questions vs answers. Dark vs light.

I have been thinking about God being in the darkness. Often the way Christian imagery gets deployed, it is all about Light overcoming darkness. But what if darkness is not a bad thing after all? Certainly there's much that still needs to be done to address the racist construction of white and light as good, black and dark as bad.
There is a book I would like to read about someone's experience of losing their sight and becoming immersed in darkness. I also am aware that recently I learned that the times of disruption in our lives are when we learn and grow most. What if instead of believing that we need light to illuminate our thinking, we discovered that dark periods have much to offer?
I'm finding myself in a metaphorical dark patch at the moment. Interestingly this has parallels with my actual location, in a beautiful theological college set in a gorgeous rural spot. I know this to be true and am grateful for so much about being here. I've not seen any of the scenery though, it has been shrouded in fog and the days have seemed short and even at the sun's peak, not light enough to photograph. The fact that I can't see it doesn't mean it is not there. Maybe when things are bleak, or murky, it means we become more vigilant, we lean more on other aspects of our life such as faith. Do I need to see the hills to trust they are there? What tho  about the cliff that I have heard of, that I gather gives this college its name. I will not go looking for that this time! So whilst I hope that my next visit, in the summer, will be brighter, I think there is a message for me that we do not have to adhere to an assumption that light is the answer. Maybe the questions are more significant than the answers in any case.