Foreseeing hindsight

I'm pleased with how chilled I'm feeling today (considering I have both an interview and the dentist this morning). Some days I fret about the future and potential paperwork and income worries. Mainly tho I'm holding onto some of the insights from the embracing uncertainty book, and am able to trust that it's about journey not destination, and that I can't stop the rain, so just need to let it fall and enjoy it rather than protest about my inability to prevent it.
It helps that today's interview is not for a job that would pay the mortgage. So if I get it, great, if I don't that would mean more capacity for whatever mortgage paying job I get. Not being invested in the outcome is such a stress relieving approach!!
Ultimately I believe that if we so choose everything can be an opportunity to love and to learn. I'm currently learning more about trust. I think a time will come when I will be looking back at this period of my life from a very different place (hopefully happily in a new job that I enjoy where I am making a noticeable difference). I will be glad I made the most of the time to catch up with friends and house cleaning. I would not want to look back and wonder why I spent the time miserably. Which isn't to say we shouldn't feel miserable. It's just that this strategy is for me, today at least, working well :-)

doorstep delight

Over the years I've discovered all sorts of delights on my doorstep. When the kids were little it was bags of clothes, or jigsaws. Sometimes there's been plants for the garden. Edible treats too - Christmas chocolates a neighbour couldn't face, or homemade biscuits. Today a mystery kind person left a carrier bag containing flowers, fruit and cookies. I still don't know who it was, whereas previously I've been able to work out the identity of the giver from a recent conversation. Maybe today's lesson is to graciously accept and not need to know who. I feel incredibly grateful that it could actually be any of a number of lovely local people who might do such a thing.
It's the sort of thing I do too, there's a definite joy to be had from anonymous giving :)

A wonderful friend has this evening also invited me to something fabulous to look forwards to next week, so I'm definitely feeling the love. Hope you are too. And if maybe right now you're not, I thoroughly recommend plotting some secretive sharing :D

Marking time

I've noticed how reliant I was on completing my timesheet as a justification of time spent purposefully. I am feeling a big pull to undertake tasks with visible results so that others can affirm All I've Done. Tangible achievements crossed from a long list. I feel a bit like there's no one I'm accountable to without having anyone to send the timesheet of my life's activities to. It's all rather odd.
The clutter is definitely decreasing (still considerable way to go). I appreciate the freshly painted walls as I pass them and have constructed a step by step plan for the next stages. And I keep finding energy for small bursts of action despite feeling so ill with a rotten cold.
I can see why people feel despondent when job seeking. There's so much status and sense of self in what we "do", our employment. It's all good experience, these life lessons.

Love is not the same as attachment

I have blogged on this theme before, but I just came across this short video which I like on how love differs from attachment.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1946267742354348&id=1557825057865287

I don't think being attached to people is wrong. I think it's great when we are committed to hanging in through good and bad. Missing people who mean a lot to us is sign that they have a place in our lives. I don't think however it's helpful to have our definition of love based on purely attachments. I think it's completely possible to love strangers well in one off encounters. There doesn't have to be ongoing commitment. And when we hold lightly I think it's easier to stay present rather than dwell on what can build into resentment if we were instead expecting something in return. In a capitalist society keen on reaping rewards from any investment, modelling love that is not requiring reciprocation is counter cultural. It's not likely to be easy because we'll have those times of "but what about me?" I think it's worth giving a go tho?

In between

I had nearly an hour before my train left London so I sat enjoying a busker awhile. Sometimes it's the unscheduled moments that make up our lives, not just the planned parts. Quite a bit hasn't gone to plan today  but it's all worked out fine.
I've drunk litres of fruit juice as I'm full of cold. It's also very warm in the capital. The weather forecast predicted rain (and 6 degrees at 7 am) in preston at the start and end of my journey, so I was not leaving my thick coat at home. But it's somewhat cumbersome when it's then 25 degrees in the city.
Despite feeling so rotten latterly, I'm still trying to complete obvious achievements whilst I am not working much. Painting is a quick win (and preferable to cleaning and decluttering) despite being more needed. For future learning  I should neither buy really cheap paint (too thin) or the mega expensive stuff (like trying to paint with mucusy dough ). I usually like painting and know it's poor form to blame my tools,  but next time I will opt for mid range paint and a pad rather than roller. I'm slowly getting somewhere tho.

So that we are not changed

Yesterday I awoke and was gutted to discover the leader of the government along with the leader of France and the US had decided to send air missiles to Syria. Bombing never solves anything. And I can't get my head around a financial situation where there's apparently not enough money to give to nurses, or to schools, but at the drop of a hat millions can be found for war.
Some of my hope has been restored by being able to be part of a love flash mob, see Glennon Doyle 's Post below. Like her I love the story of the guy with a candle. Sometimes we have to do something not because it is guaranteed to change a situation, but because we need to ensure that we ourselves are not changed by it. I'm hoping that I can share that story today in church.

Glennon Doyle wrote :

I don’t know what to say tonight but Thank You. Thank you for what you did today.

What you did today is raise $355,072 in five and half hours. Every single penny of it will be on the ground in Syria -- transformed into food and medicine for our Syrian children and their families. We will keep you updated on all of those details as soon as humanly possible. We, at Together Rising- are undone by the way you show up relentlessly and by the way you love so ferociously. There is so much darkness but there is also LIGHT. Today and one so many days and in so many places around the world: YOU ARE THAT LIGHT.

One of my favorite stories is about a man who, during the Vietnam war, stood outside the White House with a single lit candle every night for years. Every night. One night, he was asked by a reporter: Why do you do this? Do you really think you and your one little candle this will change anything?

And he said: Oh, I don’t do this to change them. I do it so they don’t change me.

In the midst of fear, let’s love. In the midst of hate, let’s love. In the midst of hopelessness, let’s Never. Give. Up. And in the midst of loneliness- let’s stay together.

We are going to keep collecting your donations: We have this crazy hunch that we might be able to raise THREE MONTHS OF life-saving food and medicine for these babies. If you would like to give or know someone who would, please visit here:  http://momastery.com/blog/2018/04/14/emergency-love-flash-mob/

WE LOVE YOU. GO LOVE YOUR FAMILIES. HUG THEM EXTRA TIGHT FOR US.

enjoying the journey

We all have different things that are precious to us. For me it's about how I spend my only existence here on earth. It's why I'm perhaps a bit picky about the job I'm next going to do - I don't want to waste any of my life doing anything I don't fully believe in, so it's finding the role where I get to make the difference that makes sense for me (which won't be about making profit for a company, as that's not my bag). The application process is getting quicker with practice so that's good :)

Of course there's always going to be things we find harder to relish about every aspect of our lives. So for me that was probably the hour I spent deliberating over which cream paint to buy (I chose the wrong one and will need to go back as the one I picked will need around 88 coats). The painting itself I quite enjoy (tho not 88 coats worth) and have spent a fair bit of this week decorating. I've also had some amazing times out in the fresh air. Back on my bike after an age (my legs can attest that it's been too long), and also a day out on the train with a walk up Arnside Knott, with a much loved friend.

Whatever does come next, I'm determined to keep making time for the things I love - being with friends, encouraging others, eating cake and simply enjoying the journey. Hope you too can spend your life doing what is right for you :D

I hear you knocking

I am spending a fair bit of time in my bed at the moment  trying to recharge my batteries. My plan is to spend some time each day 1) doing something towards getting a job, 2) doing something to rebuild my energy 3) doing something towards improving my immediate environment (my aim is to totally overhaul the house but that's so overwhelming I need to do manageable chunks ) and 4) do something to keep me connected.
Other than the housework, these can all be done from under my duvet. I noticed during yesterday's job search (in my pj's) that I find even the preliminary aspects of job searching exhausting. Each time I see a potential job I have to imagine myself into it before deciding if its worth applying for  So I picture how I might get there, what working in that role might be like, how I might feel to have that job, what I'd enjoy, what I would struggle with.
There is no rush to find something, so I am happy to spend this time getting it right. I am clear that with my one and only life I want to give my time to something I believe in. So there's no point applying for anything else.
This morning I was delighted by a blue tit knocking at my window. When I am in dufton, being that close to birds is totally normal, but here proximity is rare. I wonder if it was encouraging me to get up and out. I had hoped to cycle today but the rain may put a damper on that. There's a choir gig later though and the last one I did was equivalent to walking 6 miles apparently :)

Troubled waters

I'm very weary and feeling small so have made plans to go and see a friend this afternoon who will help dry the tears in my eyes.
So often a song helps.

I've had a right good share with friends, copious amounts of cake and affirmation and am feeling much better.

Big girl pants

Today I am literally wearing my big pants  And my socks knitted by my lovely friend. And my gorgeous scarf given by another lovely friend. I wear the scarf pretty much all the time I'm out and it always receives compliments.
So I'm wrapped in their love.
Which is a good thing.

Today has been particularly challenging and I feel weary and despondent. So receiving this was perfect timing :

Hi, there, This is a long email because I wanted to share something that helped me a great deal recently without worrying how long it is. If you just want the short version, here's a pep talk to give to yourself when you feel discouraged: Keep going. You’re doing something you love, something that gives you meaning. You’re working your butt off. You’re giving this all you’ve got. Not everything will work out. And not always on your timeline. But you’re amazing. You’re strong. You’re sharing your truth. Stay in the place of giving and leave the outcome of that giving to others I think feeling discouraged is one of the hardest things to get through. It feels heavy, stuck, sad, even hopeless sometimes. When you feel discouraged, it colors so much of your world – you  easily find more discouraging signs that things won’t work out. (This is your brain’s frustrating negativity bias at work, which makes you more sensitive to anything negative when you’re feeling down.) Without realizing it, you start piling on feelings and stories from your past when you felt discouraged, which adds to the storm (just when you need the opposite). People often tell me that they admire my tenacity and optimism. Truth is, I’m not naturally optimistic -- I’m a Russian Jewish immigrant, I don’t think that’s in our nature. And while I’m tenacious, I get discouraged, just like everyone else. And I can get really down when I do. Last week I was feeling really discouraged because an opportunity I’ve been really hoping would work out hasn’t, yet. It would be incredibly meaningful – for me, for Happier, for my book. I’ve done everything I can to make it happen, and it’s still possible, but I found myself losing hope and feeling pulled down the negativity spiral. I’m grateful that I had the awareness to notice my useless inner dialogue of harshness and negativity: “See, this isn’t going to work out so it’s a sign that other things won’t work out. And there’s obviously nothing I can do to make it work out. Maybe I’m just not good enough…” But awareness alone isn’t enough – it’s just a really important first step. So, I decided to practice what I teach and get myself out of the negativity spiral by applying the 5 Core Happier Skills to my discouragement. It really helped. I feel like I can take a breath and keep going. I’m not saying I’m excited about the situation, but it’s not blocking me from moving forward. And there’s joy in the moving forward. I wanted to share the steps with you so they can help you the next time you feel discouraged, stuck, or caught in a negativity spiral. STEP 1: ACCEPTANCE Allow yourself to feel what you feel, even if it sucks. Acknowledge what you feel – write it down or say it to yourself. Research shows that when we acknowledge our difficult feelings we get through them faster and experience them with less intensity. The second part of practicing acceptance is to see how things are clearly, as they are, without coloring them with your judgement of “how they should be” or blowing them out of proportion beyond the current situation. For example, if you’re trying to lose weight and you’re discouraged, acceptance means saying something like: “I’m not where I want to be, yet. I’ve had a tough time sticking to getting regular exercise with all of my of responsibilities.” Instead of: “I’m never going to be able to lose weight. I should have already lost at least half the weight I need to lose by now. This always happens. I’m awful at sticking to any commitment. I suck. This is how it’s going to be forever.” When you’re able to see the situation clearly, as it is, you give yourself an opportunity to make a choice about how to move forward. Acceptance is the opposite of giving up. It’s an active decision to be meet life where it is and decide on your next step from there. In this example, once you accept that your work schedule is interfering with your exercise commitment, you might find a gym closer to your work or shift your morning routine to make it to the gym before you start your workday. STEP 2: GRATITUDE OK, so let’s just be honest and acknowledge that the last thing you want to be doing when you feel down or discouraged is counting your blessings. I’m with you, but science shows, it’s also the best way to help yourself feel better. When you practice gratitude, your brain releases serotonin and dopamine, which make you feel good in the short-run, but you also become more productive, less anxious and develop a mindset of possibility vs. scarcity. So take out a piece of paper and write down three things you’re grateful for, as closely related to the thing that is discouraging you as possible. I’m not asking you to ignore anything difficult or negative, but to zoom in on something you appreciate within the difficult. For example, if a job opportunity you were hoping for didn’t work out, you could be grateful for meeting interesting people as you applied for it, the support of your friends and family, or something you learned in the process. Pausing to appreciate something within a tough situation gives you the very resilience you need to get through it. STEP 3: INTENTIONAL KINDNESS The best way to make yourself feel better is to get out of your own head and do something kind for someone else. I call this Blasting Your Stress With Kindness. Take a pause and think of at least 3 kind things you can do right now, and do them. They can be really simple, but research shows that doing kindness acts in clusters has the biggest positive impact on how you feel. Check in with a friend. Hold the door open for someone else. Buy coffee for a stranger in the coffee shop. Send an article to someone who might be interested in reading it. Leave a kind note for a colleague or family member. Remember: You feel 100% of emotions you give to others. When you share kindness, you feel kindness inside. Notice these feeling as you go. STEP 4: THE BIGGER WHY Connecting to your sense of meaning is one of the best ways to get through challenging times and feeling discouraged. I call this The Bridge of Resilience. Think about the Bigger Why for whatever it is you’re doing and feeling discouraged about. For example, if you’re a writer and you’re discouraged because you’re getting a lot of rejections for your writing (been there!), what is your Bigger Why for what you’re writing? Perhaps you feel that your writing helps people learn something, feel something, or discover something new. We derive a sense of meaning when we use our strengths to be of service and help others. What is your Bigger Why? STEP 5: SELF-CARE When we get discouraged, the harsh voice in our heads often comes out in full force (see above for how mine did this recently). So the first thing you need to do is to become aware of how you’re talking to yourself and shift from harshness to self-compassion. When you notice that you’re berating yourself or being very harsh, pause. Take a breath. And now imagine that you’re saying what you’re saying to someone you love very much. Rephrase how you would say it, literally picturing that person in front of you. The second step of self-care is to do something that nourishes you – your mind, body, or soul. This will give you fuel to keep going, to work through the discouragement. Ask yourself: What would nourish me right now? And then make a little time to do it. Finally, say something supportive to yourself, would you? A pep talk you give yourself can be as effective as one you hear from a friend (science says so.) Here’s the pep talk I gave myself – I hope it will inspire your own: Keep going. You’re doing something you love, something that gives you meaning. You’re working your butt off. You’re giving this all you’ve got. Not everything will work out. And not always on your timeline. But you’re amazing. You’re strong. You’re sharing your truth. Stay in the place of giving and leave the outcome of that giving to others. Or the universe. Which is awesome, because you and the others are the universe, together. So the more you stay in a place of giving, the more awesomeness you’re sharing, and the more awesomeness will come back to you. (Also, get a snack, put on one of your crazy bright rings, and take a freaking break to watch an episode of Madame Secretary with some red wine, a hug from your best people, and comfy slippers.) I hope you’ll try these practices today so you can experience a shift in how you feel, your energy, and your perspective. Let’s do it, together. With gratitude, Nataly P.S. I share many other ways to use these 5 skills to get through challenges and life's ups and downs in my book, HAPPIER NOW: How to Stop Chasing Perfection and Embrace Everyday Moments (Even the Difficult Ones). Click here to pre-order a copy now and get our brand-new 21-Day Happier Challenge digital course absolutely free ($97 value). Follow me on Instagram for daily happier inspiration. Copyright © 2018 Happier, Inc., All rights reserved. You are receiving this email because you registered as a user in the Happier app (on iOS, Web, or Android). Our mailing address is: Happier, Inc. 52 Sherbrook Road Newton, MA 02458 Add us to your address book Want to change how you receive these emails? You can update your preferences or unsubscribe from this list

Bunny

My girly and my friend's daughter proposed making cakes for an afternoon tea. I'm so glad as it gave shape to a day that otherwise might have disappeared. Instead because I knew I was out in the afternoon, I spent the morning volunteering and reading part of a great novel (my grandmother sends her regards and apologises, a nearly 8 years old girl 's perspective on grief).
It has been good to relax before a stressful couple of days ahead.

Easter

If I had been more attentive  I would have perhaps guessed from the service title "vigil" that it was not likely to be short. The website said it would last 40 mins. Had I known it would actually be 2 and a half hours, I probably would have declined going, and would have missed out as despite the length I really did enjoy it. I'm quite fond of incense and candles and outdoor fires as part of a service  It harks back to my high Anglican roots as well as conjures happy memories of student retreats at various monasteries and convents.
Unlike for many Christians, Easter isn't a defining aspect of my faith. But I have been lucky enough to partake in some awesome  acts of worship. One of my favourites was going as a teenager with my grandad to an Easter sunrise service on Orton scar (a beautiful area of limestone pavement).
My own church has a marvellous tradition of enjoying an Easter breakfast together before the service. There's lots to enjoy about Easter. Time to hang out - with each other and with God - to revel in the sense of hope that we are never on our own. To enjoy chocolate, daffodils, celebrating life. I hope you too enjoy the day, whatever it means for you.
Ps, this is good too
https://charitykmhamilton.wordpress.com/2018/04/01/lets-not-have-a-happy-easter/