My stages of parenting

I've been reflecting on how I've found parenting through the different ages and stages, how much there has been to delight in, and how the challenges mutate. I'm sure we all experience it very differently but this for me has been some of my journey.

Babyhood is such a precious and brief period tho had times when it felt it would never end (especially in the middle of the night). I loved the intimacy, the connection of constantly holding, feeding, showing off this new amazing being. My world shrank which was wonderful, my confidence did too, which was not. The tiredness was unbelievable, and having to go back to work at 3 months hard to fathom now looking back ( so much better second time round when I could focus just on the mothering without juggling work too).

Toddlerhood I found more testing, unable to turn away for even a second. Impressive energy levels ( them not me) meant there never seemed any let up. Such an exciting time tho with every new word and skill, it was brilliant to see them develop at such a fast pace. Still so tactile, I enjoyed the physicality, being clambered on, being their base to return to, the snuggles, very clearly theirs. And feeling more competent in this new world of parenting, a big bonus was the new friendships forged, the support gained and the fun times shared. 

Pre school I also loved. A time of such discovery and creativity. Art work in abundance, and an unlimited array of fabulous questions. "If a person gives someone else AIDS does that mean they don't have it anymore?" (asked in the changing rooms at swimming after hearing a news headline) "Why did God make fleas?" (A health visitor helped me with that by suggesting the grooming out of fleas maybe helped early homosapiens to bond). "What's the point of the queen?" (I directed that to a godparent so that an alternative perspective was given in addition to my non royalist response).

Primary school age for me meant positives and negatives around the same aspect. I had some time to Get Things Done ( like paid work again) and relished some time when someone else was responsible for them. And yet I was also no longer their entire world and they were doing things I would never know about.

Secondary school is an extended version of the previous paragraph, I now have much more time for work and my own existence and their lives are even more separate from mine. I like how I'm not needed much, except at very specific urgent moments (unlocatable school tie seconds before leaving the house). I'm immensely proud of the people they are. Teenagers get a bad press, i'm mainly very fond of mine, tho am aware we operate in different time zones and sometimes have different priorities. There have been tumultuous times when we've struggled to work things out, so there can be intense moments but a lot more down time in between than any other period of parenting so far. And all kinds of occasional rewards like a delicious homemade cottage pie or someone to send out to the shop for whatever essential we're lacking.

I wonder what will be next. So far it's been a fascinating experience, all consuming, occasionally overwhelming, with a heady mix of fierce love, doubt, deep satisfaction, total despair, insufficient sleep and a massive sense of privilege to be entrusted with the care of such incredible humans :-)

Delighted in

It would be easy to feel rejected and dejected. Redundancy, an unsuccessful interview and not getting invited to things, these are the sort of situations where its possible to feel unwanted. Yet it depends what we choose to focus on.
An alternative view, and truth, is that I'm very much wanted. I've had numerous texts and emails today from people asking how I got on, and sending resilience and encouragement. Plus 4 calls from lovelies wanting to check how I was feeling when they heard I didn't get the job I had put considerable effort into applying for. My bosses have made such heart warming comments. My friends have reminded me that they know I'm ace.
It will all work out, it always does. In the meantime clearly I'm meant to be practicing my trust and patience. And putting my attention to where I am delighted in rather than fret about defending myself where I am not.
I hope you too have a tight team around you who remind you of your brilliance. Our support networks are so important :-)

Bread and cheese

At last night's beetle drive at church we offered a bread and cheese supper. I love bread and cheese meals, they are my favourite. When I was at university, there was a weekly chaplaincy hunger lunch in which one of us went to get fresh bread, and cheese for those of us participing and we'd give money to cafod and it was my best meal of the week. What's not to like, the freshness of the bread, the tastiness of the cheese, and lovely people to eat it with.
The beetle drive itself was fun too. It was one of my first encounters with Methodism as a teenager, I think it's such a simple, sociable activity.
Hope you too are enjoying whatever simple joys are in your life :-)

Support

I was delighted to be at my friend's confirmation service yesterday and I was interested when the Bishop spoke about us all discerning our purpose. Having spent much of last week honing words to describe myself, I noticed that the word I used most often and so needed synonyms for, is "support". It's what I do, it's what I am meant to be doing :-)
Of course, I also need support myself and am grateful for the places I find it. It feels challenging at the moment and I am feeling particularly pleased with myself for having joined a gospel choir as I have great songs to draw upon. 

Money on my mind

My experience of most things is that they cost as much as you're willing to pay. I know that ludicrous figures are bandied around for weddings for example, but it depends on the wedding you have. I bought my dress from a charity shop (of course) whereas I know for some people a new dress is what they've dreamed of and a price tag seems inevitable.
Babies are another supposedly costly undertaking. Loss of parental earnings is of course major. Babies need a whole heap of attention that means we can't get paid for working at the same time, though I'm grateful for our welfare state that means child benefit and working family tax credits (currently) exist. My own particular experience of babies is that they didn't really cost anything. The breastfeeding meant feeding them was free and when they started solids it was mainly sharing from my plate :-) my parents did the outlay on the washable nappies which we used both times. And happily we got given oodles of second hand stuff, clothes and toys, we didn't even have to buy Christmas presents as we just stashed in the loft things that other people had done with, and then wrapped them when they were suitable. So looking back (which is of course always through a filtered lens) the only thing we _had_ to buy was a car seat.
Fast forward to having teenagers and it feels somewhat different. Now the amount of food they eat is immense and the range of bathroom products bewildering. No matter how much cash I draw out, it is never enough for the daily requests to cover bus/ train fares, cake ingredients, camps, school trips, etc etc. They actually ask me for very little (neither have requested to go on the 5 day school trips at £999) and I am immensely proud of them and the lives they lead. And since when was it ever about the money? :-)

It's not the end of the world

I've watched a couple of environmental disaster movies this last week. They've been over the top, completely ridiculous and I've found them most entertaining. Considering that I don't do violence in films, my partner has been surprised that I've enjoyed them so much (some parts I've not been able to watch). I think it's the geographer in me screaming "pay attention! Listen to us! We ignore the earth at our peril!"
They have been very useful for reminding me that whilst things currently don't feel great as I still await to hear about the impending redundancies, actually worse things happen at sea/on tectonic plate boundaries etc :-)

For mother's day, my teenage daughter has mainly brought me mud from her selection weekend camping trip. That's ok. I'm hugely proud of my offspring and a firm believer that love isn't about gifts or usefulness :-)

Taking care

I parked my car on the 3rd floor of the carpark yesterday. So I was somewhat dismayed that having climbed up to level 3, it was not to be seen. Fortunately I didn't panic and worked out it was a maths issue not a theft issue. The 3rd floor is numbered 2, because the first one is of course G, so obviously my car was on the one labelled 2, just where I left it.
I have noticed that my brain isn't quite as brilliant as usual when I'm not well. Yesterday I was burning up and am grateful that has subsided, today I've not spotted any mistakes I've made (which of course doesn't necessarily mean I've not made any). I am permanently hungry however. Last week I put it down to my body wanting to lay down fat stores during the sub zero temperatures. This warmer week I need a different excuse, maybe it's to do with germ fighting? I'm happy to listen to my body, and at the doctors last week I'd officially lost weight since it was last recorded so it's fine :-) I like listening to my body. It's the only one I'm ever going to get and there's no more important task really than taking care of it and all it houses. When that is done well, there's then energy for taking care of others too :-)

Got my back

Mainly the dog lies at my feet at night, farting and barking at any passing leaves outside. From time to time he clambers up onto the pillow and demands to be let under the duvet and I happily accede as I enjoy my living hot water bottle. Best of all is when he lies at my back - maybe it triggers a primeval sense of security that I'm protected by the pack. He's literally got my back.
I once glowed when a friend acknowledged that I'd gone along to an event in order to have their back - it was true, I'd mainly gone because I wanted to support them. Similarly, the reason I'm part of a book group is because my friend founded it and I wanted to be alongside her when a bunch of strangers showed up on her doorstep. In the intervening 14 years I've read a lot of interesting books I otherwise would never have known about.
Thankfully I believe there are many people who have got my back. Folk whose doorbell I could ring late at night and be confident they'd let me in, dry my tears and even give me a bed if needed. Tho probably not the dog as well :-P
I don't have a list as such, I just can bring to mind lots of people that I can and do rely on. Good, eh?

cut off

My parents have been snowed in the last 3 days and as it's not letting up I'm not going to get to go and see them as planned this weekend. As their phone service is provided through the internet which is currently intermittent, it's frustrating not being able to get hold of them for anything longer than a few seconds for them to reassure me that they are alright. It looks pretty grim out there, albeit not from my own windows. It's bitterly cold here but we have nowhere near the amounts of snow the rest of the country is experiencing.
I'm grateful that I don't have to work, or sleep outside and that I have enough money in the bank to pay for the extra heating. I'm on an emotional roller coaster tho - some days I'm able to remember that everyone is lovely and everything will work out just fine. And sometimes that is not what I feel.