Resting place

This is one of my favourite places ever.

Was fab to sit on the cold stone bridge awhile, whilst leaves fell around. And as a token nod towards Halloween, which isn't something that exercises my interest, here's some fungi I spotted that looked spooky.

 Now back to my researching Gelato places. :-)

On not being attached to the outcome

I really like some of the ideas in the Susan Jeffers "embracing uncertainty" book, but they are more of a stretch for me than I've found her other books. It will be a while til I've got the hang of some of it as I'm trying to turn around a lifetime of worry!
The latest chapter I read considers attachments. Now as someone who has practiced attachment parenting and believes life is all about relationships, I feel a bit challenged. I think she's all about relationships too tho. She writes about being loving and open and despite the trickiness, I do see what she's getting at. She notices how when we are focussed on a particular outcome, it gets in the way of going with the what actually is.
In thinking about hosting a party for example, she suggests that if we are attached to the outcome we get nervous, don't enjoy it until the release of tension after it's finished, and radiate that tension. Whereas if we are in the present moment and not concerned with how it works out then we are happy and excited, enjoy it and radiate love. If the party goes well we are glad and if it doesn't we know we can't control other people's experiences and just keep sending out loving energy and are more open to the possibilities.
I know people who have been happy in adverse situations, and know that even when my life has been tough I've still experienced joy and love and felt grateful for so much. So if we put in effort, whilst enjoying whatever process we are part of, work family or whatever, then let go of the success or not of the outcome, we're free to stop worrying, knowing that it's possible to find happiness whatever comes next.
Whilst I'm beginning to contemplate this for myself, I've not yet worked out a way of interacting with others that's not based on this. All my texts, emails etc revolve around wishing people well, which whilst lovely, could be seen to be invested in positive outcomes. "hope it goes well" for example is pretty much how I write. I'm not sure about radically rethinking this. I'm going to start with me and then figure how to translate it into my conversations...

author/story/cover

I've been thinking this week about who writes the story of our lives. Clearly we're influenced by lots of factors, circumstances and the people who play their part in it, but ultimately I believe we are the authors of our own story unless we choose to hand that power over to someone else (there's a meme isn't there that goes something like don't put the keys to your happiness in someone else's pocket).
Still loving the "embracing uncertainty" book, I'm getting to be curious rather than apprehensive about what the upcoming chapters might contain. They're likely to keep the same recurrent themes of the book - love, courage, delight, encouragement, relationship - tho the details are not yet apparent.

What are the themes of your story? Are there any you want to work on writing out and new ones you want to develop?

I just have one day left of work but am a bit tempted to design the cover - it would have my favourite photo of myself, in my bright yellow coat, holding the "you are beautiful" sign and would be mainly orange and yellow. I don't think we can really be summed up in one image (thankfully!) so maybe everyone's cover would be much more busy with more images than that, but as a starting cover concept, I'm happy :)

More sleeps

There are 3 more mornings of my alarm going off at 6.30 to check my girly is up for her paper round. Not only is that then the half term holiday (tho I'm working the Saturday) but that's the end of her paper round as the shop is no longer doing it. This means I can set my alarm a whole hour later every day for ever (well clearly I don't know what's coming next but you knowwhat I mean). Bliss!

I'm trying not to feel apprehensive about Rome. My brain does a lot of looking for what might go wrong, so I have to work hard on talking it out of that. I've made a start on a new wonderful book, "embracing uncertainty" and will have lots to share with you from that, cos in everything none of us know what's next, so seeing it as an unfolding adventure is far more exciting than imagining we have control when we don't!

I wonder where life's adventure will lead today?

Celebrate

I love weddings. There's so much about them to delight in. The love, the joy, the food, singing, dancing, sharing, meeting strangers and catching up with people not seen in a while or that you already know but having a chance to get to know them better. The way families and friends grab the opportunity to show how much the couple mean to them, the creation of a new supportive community, the promises of staying in even when it gets tough. It's brilliant, I've been to many and each one has been a varied expression of how to celebrate and I've loved every one.
I also find them tough. I never intended to end up alone and it's really hard not to dwell on feelings of having failed, and on what I don't have.
The trick of course is instead to focus on what I do have. Friends who check that I got home safely. A group of people to dance with and be silly with. And maybe the impetus to follow my dream. If I was getting enough cuddles in my own life, maybe I wouldn't notice how important they are. I can use this experience to decide what I want to do about it. It still might not be the right time for my hug hub, but I think it's time I reviewed the possibility at least.

You are loved and brilliant

Today's been one of those days when I've really felt the love. Ace walk with a friend, ace connections with others. I'm very grateful to know such loving people. I think that we blossom when we are in touch with how much we are loved and how brilliant we are. It's my purpose in life, to do what I can to help others free themselves from the stuff that gets in the way of them knowing these two things. And I revel in it when people do the same for me :-)

eerie

I don't know if it's cos I know that a storm is going to hit later or if I'd have felt it anyway, but this morning just feels eerie. The light is foreboding (and impossible to capture on my phone), like when there's an eclipse. I took the dog out earlier than usual (and he was asking to go out, maybe he knows it will be too windy later too?) and a cow was bellowing and it just feels all a bit apocalyptic. Or maybe it's cos I just finished the excellent book "Still Alice" and I'm still in that headspace of wondering what I'd choose to do if I knew I only had a limited amount of cogniscence left. I'd finish the book I'm still enjoying in small bites. I'd hang out with friends. I'd eat cake.
What would you do?

Sprig

After a busy and stressful week, the plan this weekend was to go gently. It's tricky to do that tho. When the week is an especially busy one, invariably that means the housework and non work tasks mount up so need doing come the weekend. Today is unseasonably warm, so would have been foolish to miss the opportunity to get the long standing hand washing done and on the line. And I'm trying to make soup each Sunday afternoon so there's something to dip into on subsequent busy days. Not usually a recipe follower, I had no idea what a sprig constitutes. Is that a couple of centimeters or 20? I have such a surfeit of rosemary I went with the latter rather than former, and as I didn't measure the rest of the ingredients either, I'm sure it will be just fine.
And now for a sit down :-)

how's your haal?

I think this is a good article:

https://onbeing.org/blog/the-disease-of-being-busy/

and think it's great when we can ask each other to stop and reflect on how, in this very moment, our heart is doing, to explore our soul.

I do feel glad that I'm able to have a balance of work, family, volunteering, domestic stuff, but also most importantly, connection with several people each and every day. To share cake and concerns, to really hear how things are. Maybe it's not everyone's thing but it's certainly mine...

Kitchen creations

Maybe it's a reaction to the concept of a woman's place being in the kitchen, but whilst some people love hanging out in their kitchen, for me it's just not where I feel at home. I do give it a go from time to time, and tempted by some delicious looking flapjacks posted on facebook earlier, I thought I'd rustle up something similar. Whilst the end result bears little resemblance to the picture that prompted it, even I can't go that far wrong, what's not to like about butter and sugar melted together? I may have set the smoke alarm off merely by preheating the oven, but that's cos I don't spend enough time in there cleaning :-)
I'm not sure how long this flurry of culinary attempts will last. Yesterday I made not one but two pans of luscious soup, one a lovely autumnal cream of mushroom and chestnut pictured), the other a split pea (plus other items that needing using up from the fridge). Both self concocted rather than following a recipe, as I'm not very obedient when it comes to recipes.

supporting new mothers

The conference I attended yesterday was really inspiring, I learned new things, I got to meet up with people, and it helped bolster my enthusiasm for what I do! I've long felt that whilst every mum makes her own decisions that are right for her, such decisions are always made within a wider context. This is true for us all at anytime, so for example my decision to eat or not a big slice of cake, whilst my own decision, is influenced by lots of factors. It was there, readily available and cut in a big wedge, others around me were eating them, I live in a society where cake is seen as lovely, it was labelled as salted caramel so that felt a bit new and trendy and encouraged me to try it for the novelty. There are health messages out there so I have to set aside concerns that come up... All this happens at a subconscious level as I reached automatically for my dessert yesterday.

I don't want to say that our choices around starting or continuing to breastfeed
are like eating cake, but I am aware that every one of us make decisions all the time and don't usually stop to reflect on how many things impinge on those decisions, the adverts, peer pressure etc. We know that what our families and friends do or have done has a huge influence on our decisions and this includes feeding. We also know that mums who don't breastfeed, or stop before they want to, are more likely to experience post natal depression, and their babies will not have such good physical, emotional and mental health. The UK has the worst breastfeeding rates in the world, and most mums here will stop before they wanted, and a few don't start at all, and it is not fair or right if the mum takes on herself feelings of blame for this. I like this quote from Dr Nigel Rollins of the World Health Organisation (WHO), who said:
“The success or failure of breastfeeding should not be seen solely as the responsibility of the woman. Her ability to breastfeed is very much shaped by the support and the environment in which she lives. There is a broader responsibility of governments and society to support women through policies and programmes in the community."

So if it's not down to the mum, we all have our part to play, what can we do?
First up, let me acknowledge just how tricky I know it can be. Feeding is such an emotive issue, as most of us have our own unheard stories. Given the low rates in this country, chances are most of us will have not fed for the 2 years and beyond that the world health organization recommend, lots of us will have either struggled and not received the practical support and encouragement we needed, or perhaps not started because of the society we live in. Ghana, where breastfeeding rates stay around 98% across the baby's first year, it's a very different experience. This means we all have our own feelings to contend with, we might want to defend the decisions we ourselves or our partners made. It's harder to get alongside when we feel defensive, so can be useful to remember that whatever we did in every aspect of our parenting, it's always been the best possible in that moment, and not in line for criticism. We also live in a society where breasts are seen sexually rather than for feeding and comforting our babies, so I appreciate that can make conversations feel awkward.  I guess any of us could challenge that perception, or acknowledge that this might be why we feel uncomfortable in encouraging a mum to breastfeed.

Having reflected on our own experiences and feelings, what can we do then?
Listening to and supporting the mum is key. As with all life, ask what help is wanted rather than assume. Surveyed mums have said that well meaning help such as taking baby away so mum can rest has actually undermined the mum who then can feel she's not doing a good job. They would have preferred their family and friends to have taken the weight off some of the ridiculous expectations placed on her, such as that she will have the time to clean or cook.
Again culturally we don't have the knowledge and experience that other cultures have where feeding abounds. New mums might not be familiar with breastfeeding. Despite recent funding cuts there is still support available, mums can be encouraged to phone the national helpline, access their local services, and get the practical information they need both before baby arrives and in those wild early days when there's so much to contend with.

And every single one of us who encounters a new parent can rethink our questions. Each time a stranger asks "are they good?" what are they asking? The implication is that the baby isn't impinging on the parents' lives. New babies are supposed to be reliant on their mum all the time, are supposed to wake and feed at least every couple of hours. Asking if the baby is good can have those parents doubt if they are doing something wrong, when they are of course doing great. So here's a big "yay" to every new parent and all the brilliant people surrounding them who are cheering them on :-)

You shall go to the ball!

My confidence is still a bit squished so I was somewhat apprehensive about going to a ball alone. I don't really possess the right accoutrements for ball going. My hair style is not one that can be used to demonstrate making an effort, and high heels and handbags are not part of my wardrobe. But my girly let me use some of her mascara, I got to wear a necklace that's not had an outing on me before, and with encouragement from some friends I did indeed make it to the ball. I only just made it back home before the clock struck 12, not because my carriage would turn into a pumpkin, but because I have to leave tomorrow at 6.30 to travel to my charity 's AGM.
It will be fine...

full

This week has been very full - not just with work, tho that has been intense, I've also packed in seeing lots of friends, which is how I want to live, so that's good. Today needs to be a catch up with non work jobs kind of day, as guess what, the weekend is incredibly full too.

Whilst in the garage yesterday I spotted this and loved the irony of it:

Sometimes my windows are still brick walls, but mainly my windows look out on a wonderful world :)