Choice/control

I've noticed that for me, a significant factor in the redundancy is a feeling of not having control. Decisions, timings, changes all beyond my influence. I went to the library yesterday and had a very lovely time. Partly I think that was because I had choices and control. Often I read whatever comes my way - the monthly book group book, or whatever someone has lent or bought me. Yesterday I went along each shelf, selecting anything that grabbed my fancy and then settled into a comfy chair to read the opening pages of each to see what most appealed. I've brought 3 home with the intention of reading lots this week :-)

Turning redundancy into an opportunity

I'm thinking I might just go for it and have a go for my dream of having a hug hub :-) not with a view to turning it into an income generating job, just a week on a voluntary basis with the redundancy pay to tide me over.
There's lots to organise :-) I might use this as a sounding board to work out what I want. I've already started tentative enquiries about renting an unused shop for a week. I know charities can get pop up charity shops for a week. I'm not exactly a charity but hopefully one of the several I'm involved with would let me operate under their auspices. As it will be summer I've toyed with the thought of simply occupying a space in the park, but that could mean either headaches from the sun or a wash out in the rain. If I'm going to do it, I may as well do it properly, so either a shop on the high street or a marquee in the park.
I need to think about insurance, but not yet.
I'm thinking a donations tin to try and cover the cost of the rent.
In terms of my safety I'm thinking that I probably know enough people who would, on a rota system, come and keep me company over the course of a week, especially if I'm doing it as a church venture, or a parks venture. Maybe there would be brews and cake, not for sale, again donations - I wonder if there are still good regs around that?
Publicity. This will be something for much later on, when I have some actual details. But I'm a little wary. Do I just want to advertise locally so that people in my community know. If I was to do a press release that might attract people from further afield and it is a little bit of a risky venture already in terms of who might come. Plenty to still think about...

the bit that holds it all together

I'm feeling incredibly grateful. Last night a friend took a basket of my washing to do today as I was getting panicky about running out of school uniform. Such practical kindness is much appreciated.
Then today another friend who is very handy indeed came round with his tools and magic fingers and had a good look at the broken washing machine. He extracted this (I don't know what it's called, and I don't know whose pocket it has been left in) and now my washing machine works :D How brilliant is that?

He wanted no payment or thankyou gift and spoke about sharing his skills.  I understand that,  having many a time been pleased to be able to give feeding support,  or a listening ear,  or encouragement.  I love being part of communities where we are all supporting one another,  not necessarily in direct exchange,  but giving what we can offer where it's needed. Yay! 

I told me so!

Last night we went out for a lovely Indian meal and chose the set menu which had coffee and mints to finish. I very rarely have coffee at any time, but know to never have it after about 2pm or else it keeps me awake. But it came with the meal and I couldn't see a hot choc alternative to ask for so I had it, knowing I wouldn't thank myself for it. I slept better than I might but it still wasn't great and so today I feel tired.
My motivation is a bit low at the moment - last week I learned that I'm to lose my main job as funding for the entire project has been cut. I will be glad to have a good sing tonight. If I can stay awake!
But things could definitely be worse. Today I got to go on a new road and that was exciting. I also had a free lunch and I do like a bit of free hummous. :)

Buffeted

I had no idea it was so windy and cold. Fortunately my usual attire is wintry, so I had two hoods. The path is currently really exposed, tho there's the start of a housing estate to be built. Personally I prefer the open plain than the shelter of new builds. A rookery* of crows struggled to progress and I was convinced that a seagull was flying backwards.
I could have done without a broken washing machine. I'm buffeted but not blown backwards :-)

*Important addition: It has been pointed out that the correct collective noun for crows is a murder. It's a rookery of penguins. And I nearly put parliament but that is for owls. I do like collective nouns :)

Pure and simple gonna be there

This morning, like the previous couple of mornings, I've awoken with the Hear'say song "pure and simple" in my head. The lyrics provided by my subconsciousness either alert me to my inner state, or are more likely just regurgitating whatever I last heard on the radio. As this song is playing on repeat I'm concluding it's the former. I'm reassured, I do feel emotionally strong at the moment and know whatever happens there are some fab people in my life who won't go anywhere.
I do wonder tho if this enforced resilience is taking it's toll physically. I can barely move right now. It's not like the emotional paralysis of a little while back when overwhelmed. Tho it's perhaps a distant cousin, this is more like my knees have buckled under the weight of the things on my shoulders this week. Fortunately I don't have to transport any one anywhere til this afternoon (yesterday involved a lot of chauffeuring). So whilst I had hoped to garden beforehand, I can instead rest.

I'll get by with a lot of help from my friends :-)

It's been a difficult week but instead of feeling overwhelmed I'm feeling very grateful for the amazing friends in my life. The weekend will no doubt have it's challenges but it already looks like a beautiful day. I will get some vitamin d (in my sunglasses) with a dog walk and maybe some gardening.

It has indeed been a lovely day,  tho I've not had enough skin exposed to catch any rays. There are lots of forget me nots in the garden and I didn't want to just get rid of them just because I think the pathway is the wrong place for them.  So I was very happy to give two bunches away :-)

View from a curve

I've now been to two of the panopticons, a series of large sculptures in east lancs. I'm not sure how many there are in total but I've really liked the both I've so far seen, today's "atom" as well as the ringing singing tree that I posted about whenever it was I went there.
There's something rather lovely about a rural view framed by a curve.

moments

The next few days I'm likely to field several times the question "did you have a good Easter?" It is fab that people are interested but leaves me with the dilemma of how to respond. I had good practice at this after Christmas (which was also challenging) and know that I can in the moment choose what makes most sense. Completely avoiding answering the question myself and just going straight for - "did you? what did you do?" to get the attention away. The lie of "yes thanks" because that's what people want to hear and there's not time to say otherwise. Or what I often went for after Christmas, the telling "there were some lovely moments thanks". Because that is the truth, even when things are not great there are always lovely moments if we look for them. And I was grateful for the response of the first person to ask yesterday, cos when I said there were lovely moments I was pressed on what they were, which got me to focus on what had been lovely about the day - mainly appreciation from people for little things I'd done. I do like appreciation :)
All of this has me thinking of whether I can modify the opening gambit - what question I'd like to ask. I do think it's a bit harder to say "no" to a question so maybe I can get in first with a more open "how was your Easter?" I know I'm still more likely to get a stock response, but maybe it will give other people a bit more wiggle room to be honest if they need to.
And I'm not working all day today, I will take the afternoon off, so hopefully there's still time yet to have many more lovely moments :)

Redemption song

My friend has been asking all week what redemption means to me. I've been so bogged down with work and stuff I've not had chance to reflect. Easter Sunday seems like a good day to answer, tho there's much busyness first thing with a church Easter breakfast, hiding of the Sunday school eggs and then I'm teaching a taize song to start the service. So hopefully more later, but for now the way I understand redemption is that even when it feels like the end, it isn't the end. That even when things are awful and hopeless and it's impossible to imagine anything good coming out of a situation, somehow a tiny speck of potential remains and change, growth and even good can occur. That we're not defined by the awfulness. Hope and love finally win out.

Lincoln vagueness

My jigsaw is a map of the UK with pictures round the edge. I'm enjoying testing myself on where places are without using the box cover. The east coast is somewhat hazy in my mind. My friend suggests I'm piecing things together and that's a strong possibility. Order out of chaos :-)

Feeling small

Sometimes I'm so overcome with hopelessness I can't move. I've not managed to get up yet today. It's a good job I can work flexibly.

I did make it up eventually (grateful to the person who checked!) and just made myself ground rice and prunes, a school dinners classic.

Follow your dreams

When I was a teenager I imagined that I would have walked the Pennine Way in the next few years, I don't think i'd actually envisioned a time in my life when I was going to do it but it was probably when I was still young, pre children. There's one tiny stretch I've walked many a time, it's my favourite path in Dufton. And other parts I've walked too. But I'm wondering if now is the time to start officially planning on how to to turn my dreams into reality. I'm working much of the Easter weekend, but when I get chance I will look into it. To walk the entire route at once would take around 3 weeks. I don't have that much holiday this year, and the kids wouldn't want to come with me, so it's either something to plan for around 5 years time, or I could consider maybe doing it in say 10 chunks of 2 days and going when they are at their dads for the weekend or something. I wonder if the dog could do it with me. In some ways he's a liabilty (I'm nursing a rope burn I got from his lead yesterday when he got excited about a dog behind a gate) but in other ways he's good company. If I'm doing it in 2 day bursts maybe I could find different people to accompany each stretch. I'd like to think the route would be reasonably well marked as it's so popular. Yesterday I gave up in the end on finding one path marked on the map but not in real life. I did find a rotting wooden post lying on the ground with the yellow arrow showing a footpath, but it was pointing into the mud so not helpful at all. But for the pennine way there will be guides and books galore and well trodden ways and cafe rest points...

Right here right now

There's much on my mind that's worrying me. There's lots that's scary in the future. So it's taken a Herculean effort,but I have managed a fair bit to stay present and focus on the delights of the here and now. This has been aided immensely by the dog. Each night he has curled up close, the duvet is so soft and light here I'd like to take it home, and I've felt grateful for the softness of them both. By day I've taken myself out, time after time, to surround myself with the beauty of the hills, the clouds, the buds, the swirling patterns in the bark and in the streams. I'm so lucky to be able to come here, for free, so often.
Today I head back to uncertainty, but I take the soft dog with me and can look at the clouds from anywhere!

I made it back. I was very tempted not to. I nearly texted a couple of you from a remote path for encouragement but I will keep to my mantra of focussing on what I like in the moment and staying there. Can you believe that on my last walk, over 2 hours, I didn't pass anyone else at all?

I wonder as I wander

My dad had made this delicious but calorie laden treat for us whilst we're here. Flapjack topped with caramel and chocolate, its very very lovely.  So I've been taking as many walks as possible. I've been down routes not taken since I was about 8 years old. I've found new paths, I've explored alone, with the dog and even sometimes with my kids. The pooch is exhausted and I'll be having an early night. It's been good to roam tho. At one point in my musings my footsteps found the rhythm of one of the one voice songs, - the message is love - and the answer to any question is love. The latest chapter in my Stuart maconie book group book has been about fell walking. I've decided I need to take more exciting walks every week.

The strangers guise

There was a combined Palm Sunday service with the local C of E church this morning. This involved starting outside singing in the glorious sunshine. My nan and grandad are buried in this churchyard and it's such a beautiful setting

 (pic to follow). There was a donkey (who didn't care about pooing at the crucial moment). And on arrival I was asked if I might read a part in the dramatic passion. I agreed and was given the part of Jesus. I liked that having never been to a service there before didn't stop them giving me the biggest reading part, something important there about Jesus being in the stranger.

As it is so warm I was just in a t shirt (unheard of for me). I don't care what I look like so had chucked on the nearest t shirt without thought it coordination. It's a greenbelt one and after the service I had a great conversation with another visitor about his greenbelt experiences. I shall try and wear a gb t shirt more intentionally and often in future!

What with a fabulous walk back across hills and dales, it wasn't my regular church experience by any means, but there was lots to delight in!

Here comes the sun

A glorious day tho as you know I'm not a sun worshipper so already a bit headachy. It brought out the best of the spring countryside tho. I was pleased to see lots of new lambs. I've always adored lambs, the way their tails jiggle in a frenzy when feeding from their mums. And their slightly uncoordinated joy as they gambol across the fields. They have no idea that their little lives are likely to be short, so cheerfully enjoy their present. A lesson to us all.

and it was all yellow

I sometimes drive along a brief stretch of motorway home and at the moment there is a sudden burst of a magnificent yellow rapeseed field that brings joy whenever I see it. Yellow is my favourite colour (tho not to wear, although i do have a yellow fleece). This time of year is fabulous for getting lots of it - daffodils, dandelions, other flowers whose names I'm less familiar with.
Both choirs this week have involved learning or honing, rather than full songs, so I'm now having a karaoke night so I can have a right good sing. The internet has lots going for it you know.
xx

coleslaw and other comforts

We all have our comforts. I'm particularly partial to coleslaw. A thick cut hand made version would be my especial preference, but on top of a buttery potato even cheap shop bought tastes lovely. My friend on the phone tonight suggested I treat myself to anything I fancy - so I have put the heating on and - wait for it - might even start the bottom layer of my mother's day chocolates before finishing the top one!!!
I'm easily pleased really.
Hope you too are getting lots of whatever makes you happy :)

Lungs

I've still not changed the clock in the car, how long before I'd need to change it back again anyway?
It's not been the best few days, but I'm looking forward to going to dufton this weekend. There is some fresh air there that my lungs are crying out for. But it's not the weekend yet and I don't believe in wishing time away.

Reverse, reverse

My plan for today - kind of - is to have my evening before the rest of the day. I know shift workers do this all the time, but it's new to me. (Well I did once work night shifts for a few months but can't recall how that panned out.) There were no alarms first thing, kids not here, no turning on my work computer within minutes of my eyes opening. The idea is to walk the dog and have a relaxed start to the day and then work all afternoon and eve whilst I'm on my own.
There's the small issue of a collapsing ceiling that I need to deal with but I have a manageable plan for that.

And singing and dancing and dancing and dancing

I often choose a song lyric for my blog titles. In case you can't place today's, it's the end of Cornershop's Brimful of Asha, a cracking tune I only now think could have been a recommendation when I was asked what might be a floor filler at the disco at tonight's party. The line sums up my weekend so far, with a gig last night and again tonight (I'm writing this after midnight as well as after 2 glasses of bubbly, so it might be tricky for you to follow my timescales, sorry). In between there was a couple of hours dancing on the flag market with a samba band. My feet are sore now but at least I've made a start on working off all of last week's cake!
I hope you too are getting to do lots of what you love doing :-)

Express yourself

Lots of gigging this weekend. I felt very privileged to be part of the one last night, as I got to listen to a fab accordion piece, and a Syrian play a keyboard in a way I've never heard before. Brilliant! As often happens after, I had people say how much it looked like I was enjoying singing. I do enjoy singing, so don't hold back letting that show on my face :-) Sometimes I worry if people think I look ridiculous. And then I remember that it doesn't matter if they think that, it would be their stuff. I don't need anyone's seal of approval for anything that I do :-) my hope is that in freely showing my joy others will know it's possible for them too - from the comments I get it does seem to help people increase their joy :-)
I wanted to wear a t shirt to the dentist yesterday proclaiming "usually I'm a strong courageous woman you know!" And of course again it doesn't matter what others in the waiting room, or the dentist think of me and my fear. And the truth is that I was courageous :-) and if I'd cried or not, it doesn't matter, strength is not about not having fears or keeping them hidden.
Ultimately I'm just perhaps a bit more expressive than others. I sing and smile my heart out when I'm in touch with the immense joy of a moment. and I cry my heart out when I'm sad or afraid. I can't imagine living any other way. I hope however you live suits you too :-)