headless

I need to start planning Sunday school, the last before nativity practising commences. The topic is Salome and the only thing I currently know about her is she called for john the Baptists head on a plate. This does not lend itself well to ideas for Sunday school activities.

I'm beginning to feel a bit better, lots of escapist reading, and minimal work.

soul food

Grateful for the friend who has played an online word game today. I've needed connection but unable to actually talk to anyone.
Plan is to have a read in the bath now the 8 extra teenagers are no longer around. I've not managed well with the restorative activities as today I mainly picked up dog poo from the garden and took my monkey shoe shopping. Neither of these are things I find life affirming.
But the day isn't over yet so the bath is still a possibility.

Diamonds vs frost

I'm out of energy so for the next few days am attempting to only do restorative things with lots of sitting in bed in between. Couldn't even drive to singing last night, but watched some Dave Gorman instead, he makes me laugh whilst also making some great points. The most recent episode includes a helpful expose on diamonds and how we attach worth to them on the mistaken belief that that are rare and beautiful.

When I saw the frost this morning I knew I wanted to go out in it. Photos don't totally do it justice but I'll share anyway.

On becoming a mother

Technically we become a mum at the moment of birth, prior to that we are known as mums-to-be. I'm not fully convinced myself, I think from when we realise we are pregnant, or even when planning to conceive and so changing behaviour for the health of the yet-to-be baby, the responsibility and joy of parenting kicks in.

My 'baby' is almost grown up and wanted to spend time on her birthday with some of the many other significant people in her life. We did have some good time together, but I also had time alone to reflect once more on how her birth day marked a massive change in my life too. I'm so proud of her, and proud of the part I've had to play in helping shape some of who she is.

I managed to have my bath and will continue to seek out time over the next few days to rebuild my capacity. It's pretty low at the moment and so I'm not able to reach out and offer myself in the way I often do. I know the things that help me recharge tho so will endeavour to make those happen.

Gentle warmth

I need more practice at looking after myself. My plans for a relaxing bath before my voluntary shift were downgraded to a shower by the time is done some work and walked the dog. Once I'd then put the washing out etc it was rapidly downgraded further to a cat lick (tho this description makes little sense, cats are very thorough when washing ).I finally got round to lunch at 3.30pm.one day this week I got home I realised I had not made time to goto the loo All day.
It was lovely to see the field this morning tho, dappled with frost where the sun had yet to reach. I was reminded of the fable where the sun and wind debate which is stronger, and the wind claims it is so strong it will remove the coat from a man's back. And so the wind blows and the man draws his coat more tightly around him. Then the sun has a turn and gently shines on the man, who in time sheds the coat.

I need some gentle warmth.

My girly is celebrating this part of her birthday with her friends, I will get to hang out with her again this evening. So in the interim maybe I can get that overdue bath.

Blogger is not working well for me today,hope it will tomorrow.

I, Daniel Blake

It's an important film, I'm glad I went and also glad that there were various folk in the audience of different ages. I know I cry at pretty much every film but often I try and rein that in a bit when at a cinema, but I was so moved I nearly grabbed the hand of the stranger next to me in solidarity cos he was visibly moved too. I didn't, but did chat briefly to him after. I think some solidarity was what I was after, and I found it so I feel a bit less misunderstood. Hopefully this will mean I'm less like a bull in a China shop. I'm still angry tho, and fine about that anger cos things are not ok for a lot of people and tho I need to still figure my part in the change, for now vocalising my anger is a first step.
Whilst time is needed for me to work out my velvet revolution, I'm also just a bit busy with other things. Another early start for work to do a hospital shift before my community job, then I'm leading choir before an evening conference call. I know I need to fit in some tlc so that my rage doesn't keep spilling out inappropriately. But when exactly?

How long can few folk mind?

I was v busy yesterday. Partly it was responding to a status I borrowed from someone else, in which I said that anyone in need of an affirming comment could like my status and I'd say something about them I really liked. I wasn't sure of the likely uptake and indeed one person inadvertently liked it then said she wasn't fishing for compliments. Asking for nice things to be said about us is something lots of people find tricky. Yet if we all deliberately focussed on what we liked about each other, I think the world would be quite different.
You perhaps know that one of my favourite hymns is called inspired by love and anger.  this was my attempt at being inspired by and acting out of,  love.  it's an attempt to balance my anger,  tho I'm aware that there is a time for anger and I don't have to balance it on any one day.  there are plenty of days when I'm not attuned to my anger at all the injustice so it's fine that right now I'm very ragey. I'm not only angry with just how unjust the world feels right now.  I'm angered by people's attempts to justify injustice.  those who say they are not racist or sexist. in supporting  Trump  , but because he is and they chose him,  are condoning it. those who argue that the royal family bring in money.  I do not care how much money they bring in,  their privilege and shameful disregard of the current struggles people are facing disgusts me. the research I have read clearly shows that the greater the disparity between rich and poor,  the unhappier and unhealthier a nation is. I wonder how they can sleep at night knowing how unfair it is,  then of course have to ask how I sleep at night as it's all comparative,  and I should not rest easily knowing I have more sleeping bags than I have occupants when there are those who have none.
So what to do?  I need to keep on feeling and voicing  this anger until I can get to a place of clarity as to how I stand up and say the world has got to change, I will no longer tolerate the way it is.

Battleships

It turns out I've been playing battleships wrong all my life. I thought they could be any shape. As a pacifist I was playing in a logic puzzle way rather than relate it to destroying actual vessels and so never really thought that ships are usually rectangular. and so the game was abandoned when we discovered my son and I were playing according to different rules, which is a shame cos playing anything together is fab .
A loud sing did my spirits good,  and my hope is returning.  I'd like to thank those of you who got in touch last week when you read that I was struggling.  I'm particularly grateful for my best friend who regularly checks on how I'm doing.  it makes a big difference when we are reminded how much we matter and how things will eventually be ok.  I can't be the only one that forgets that when the going gets tough and I'm very glad of those I lean on. love you all xx

one rule for the rich, another for the rest of us

I don't understand why my newsfeed isn't filled with outrage. 2 of my fb friends have passed comment but everyone else is maybe still in bed, like me, or perhaps others don't feel the incredulity I do?
I know every media story can be presented in a particular way to suit an agenda. I appreciate I don't fully understand the ramifications etc etc. But I simply can't get away from an indignation that 374million pounds of taxpayer money could be spent on repairs to Buckingham palace at a time when there's no money to fund the nhs or anything. My local library and children's centre are about to close. Bedroom tax??? How many bedrooms does this two person royal family have?? Again, I realise that the palace is a tourist attraction bringing loads of people to Britain. But how can that be right, they get to see a completely false representation of the country as they see opulence whilst the reality is the rest of us are struggling. According to the guardian a 66% pay rise so the boilers, pipes etc can be fixed. I am likely to need a new boiler soon so have been saving up. I've not had any pay rise whatsoever since I started my job 7 years ago.
Incredulous I am.

hotel at home

I am taking three hours off this morning and had initially planned a long dog walk. That's not happening now, tho I may still take him out shortly, and not just to the field where I get bored!
I wanted to mark the difference from every other morning and so was delighted to spot a tin of grapefruit and hit upon the hotel-at-home plan. I love hotel breakfasts :-) All the options! We don't have stuff in for me to rustle up a full English, but I have had a glass bowl with grapefruit segments, and a pretty little glass of juice. I turned the chair away from the table and ate watching the trees through the window. Its hard to do hotel at home cos my attention is quickly drawn to the work needed in the garden, the fact that the table is so cluttered I couldn't eat there anyway etc etc. But it was great to look at the tall trees. I should do this more often. I realise most of my meals are not eaten in the way I'd like. Breakfast is sat at my computer, working. Lunch is sat over my notes in Blackpool, working. Tea is a family affair, but simultaneously watching the Simpson's, I'm outvoted on eating tea round the table.
All of this could be changed tho and I'm the one with the power to change it :-)

I went on my walk despite conditions not being what many would consider ideal. If we all waited for ideal we'd never get anything done! And who determines what is ideal anyway? Of course there are drawbacks when things aren't perfect. The dog didn't behave as well as if he'd been delighted about being out. And some of the puddles in the field were much deeper than I expected. A couple of times I got a bit stuck but I worked my way out.
It reminded me a lot of relationships really.

not a write off

This morning I was encouraged to reframe the year, to look at what I have made happen in 2016 that I am proud of, what good aspects of the year I want to celebrate. This is great cos it's so tempting to fall prey to the powerlessness that is prevelant at the moment, to 'blame' 2016.
It took a bit of effort but I found my 5 things :)

Also this week I responded to the ace question "How will you do the work of love today?"
I'm aware tho that what I mostly need right now is more self care and places to receive care, so of course that love can be directed inwards :) And interestingly I wanted to adapt the question to change the word 'work' to 'play', cos I'm feeling a bit overworked and so rather than add to my work, I want to up the play :) Substituting the word play tho doesn't quite cut it cos it then sounds a bit like pretense to me, but hopefully you know what I'm aiming at, the lightness rather than burden.

And so, how will I do the play of love today? Seriously what comes to mind is that I'm going to play hide and seek with myself, so I guess I'll run with that image. My joyous self has been a bit hidden of late, so I'll see if I can tempt her out with a game :)

Both these questions have been helpful to me today, so if they are any use to you, do consider for yourself what you made happen this year that you're proud of, and how you will do the work of love :)

not even a crescent

I didn't see the whole of it, not even a glimpse of last night's supermoon (the largest in 70 years). It was too cloudy to see it. This sums things up pretty well for me - I'm too gloomy to see much of wonder right now. I'm all out of tether and looking round for someone with a bit to spare. I was very grateful for a friend noticing and getting in touch to offer help. Friends are ace.

I was fascinated to hear an expert on the radio yesterday who said that the times the supermoon will seem biggest is when it is rising or when it is setting (couldn't be bothered to get up for that). The reasons it appears bigger at those times are not actually to do with astronomy, but psychology. When we have something to compare it to, (ie things on the skyline) it seems bigger than when it is alone in the sky. Interesting. Our minds are powerful entities.

remembering/ forgetting

I liked the morning's service. The minister radiated love. He spoke of how whilst we need to remember, how good it must be to be a goldfish, constantly amazed as everything appears new when you only have a 2 second memory. He said how when God forgives, what needed forgiving is no longer remembered. I think that's hard for us mere mortals, that forgetting hurts isn't something we readily do. I suspect lots of us are muddling along trying to forgive but not fully leaving it behind. Loving imperfectly.

I have a cold sore and a cold and think I'm probably pretty run down. I will talk to my boss today as to how I might be able to take the holiday I was unable to during half term. I have a long day of work at the hospital today and so am in my work scarf, but as soon as i get home I'll swap it for my new one. I will try and remember tho whichever scarf I'm wearing I'm still wrapped in love.

...
Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air...
I hope I've got the love I need to see me through.

infinity scarf

I only had half the allocated portion of Perry,but definitely don't feel great as a result. I did get the jigsaw finished amidst the many other activities of the day, Hurrah! My friend came for curry, laden with gifts including an infinity scarf she had crocheted for me. It's lovely and I can feel the love she has crocheted into it, so I'm now wrapped in her love. How brilliant is that? Even if you don't have such a scarf, I hope you nonetheless can feel that you are wrapped in love :-)

Broken hallelujah

I was really pleased that we sang hallelujah at choir,  to mark Leonard Cohen 's death. one of the impressive things about our choir organisers is how they pull out appropriate songs at short notice.
My baby is heading to the big smoke on a weekend adventure with a friend and I'm a bit terrified. And proud. But mainly fearful, especially following the recent tram crash. We don't usually watch news whilst eating tea, but yesterday we did and I could barely swallow. I get too sad watching the news, that's exactly why we usually watch something more palatable.
It's been a really rubbish week and my shoulders are up around my ears with stress and sadness. the plan to address this involves community,  drumming,  friends over for a curry later and singing tomorrow. I hope you too have much loveliness on the agenda.

Keep on moving forwards

Like lots of people, I think 2016 has been an awful year for many reasons. It's tempting to wish the rest of it away but there's still lots left - I wonder if it can be redeemed?
I couldn't sleep well last night, I had too much sugar without even noticing - today I will be more observant cos too much of a lovely thing isn't actually good for me. Twice this week now I've dreamed about having long hair - last night I was cutting it in a shredder... Let's not psychoanalyse that!

undefended

Think of someone who loves you when they are in a loving/soppy mood, you know they are all soft and smiley and indulgent. Now picture the same person when they are feeling got at, and so their walls are up, they are brittle and maybe attacking and you can wonder if they still indeed love you at all.
Sometimes it's hard not to be like the latter, tho I believe (like Liz Gilbert yesterday) that we constantly get to make choices as to how we want to be, how we choose to react.
The bit I heard of Trump's speech yesterday was not one of attack. Maybe having won he - for now - doesn't have to justify himself so didn't have to be so defended. When we put our energy into defending ourselves we have much less energy to put out as love.

So what if we didn't concern ourselves with what others thought of us, so didn't need to put any effort into self protection, wall building, justification? We could instead spend all our time noticing the love, sending out the love, and simply enjoying being who we are not who others think we should be. Sounds good to me :)

we are the world

There is a lot of (justified) despair and disbelief on the internet this morning. People are understandably scared about what it means to have in such a position of power someone who is so openly hateful.
Today I will be mainly encouraging people to be in touch with all they feel so that we can then pick ourselves up and stand against it.
There is lots of humour, and humour in the face of adversity is good.
I like a post from George Takei about how no-one can take away our vision of the society we wish to live in.

Hold on to your vision people. xx

And this is put more eloquently, and much longer by Liz Gilbert , will post it in full here:
Dear Ones:

Good morning.

As Beyonce once sang, "We woke up in the kitchen, saying 'How the hell did this shit happen?'"

Oh baby.

I did not want this outcome. I did not expect this outcome. I did not in any universe imagine that this outcome ever could have occurred — and the fact that I did not imagine it as possible means that clearly I have been out of touch with the hearts and minds of millions of my fellow Americans. I cannot say that I understand them. I certainly don't agree with them. And yet this is the world we wake up to today.

OK.

Every single day, you must face whatever world you have woken up to — whatever that may be. That's the only world you get. You must start there.

Let me tell you what happened in our home last night.

I settled in with Rayya, to watch the returns — relaxed and certain that we were about to watch a historic and joyful moment: The election of the first woman to the presidency of the United States of America. Then it all started to slide. Then came the stress. Then came the growing anxiety. Then the panic started. Then: FLORIDA. (Always Florida. What are we gonna do with you, Florida?) Everyone I follow on Twitter was suddenly hysterical. Text messages of horror started flying around across the world. (Never have I seen so many "WTF's" fly across the screen of my phone.) The global financial markets began to collapse. Foreign leaders started losing their cool.

Around 11pm, I found myself in this state: Huddled on the couch in the fetal position, clutching a pillow, eyes wide, speechless, paralyzed with fear.

That's never good, right?

I've been there before, and that is NEVER good.

At that moment, I closed my eyes and asked myself to observe what was going on my physical body — my animal body. What I felt was a sickened stomach, shaking hands, a clenched chest, shallow breathing, a wild and uncontrolled mind, and an elevated heart rate. This is exactly what happens to an animal when it is being hunted.

At that moment, I asked myself, "Is this a helpful response, Liz?"

Nope.

If I believe that I am here to serve the world (and I DO believe that I am here to serve the world), then how does it help anyone if I am feeling and acting like a hunted animal? Answer: It doesn't help. Feeling hunted and trapped doesn't serve me, and it doesn't serve anyone.

This is when Rayya and I made a decision to turn off every single electrical device in the house and GET REAL. We stepped away from the television, from the social media, from the phones. Because we knew that RIGHT NOW, we needed to find calm. These are the moments when it's time to find out who you really are — and who you can really be.

We lit a candle, sat with each other in quiet prayer for a while, and then we each asked aloud the big question: "Who do I want to be in this situation?"

This is a question that we ask in our house a lot these days. This is a question Rayya has taught me over the years to always ask myself, when shit goes down, or when the world goes crazy, or when the panic starts to rise: "Who do I want to be in this situation?"

This is the question that Rayya and I asked of ourselves six months ago, when the doctors found signs of tumors on Rayya's pancreas and liver, and it didn't look good. I remember the day she went in for her CT scan, to confirm just how bad the situation really was. We woke up that day in a panic. We were both experiencing the standard human response to scary situations. We were undone. We both felt like: "We are terrified and anxious, and we will be terrified and anxious until we find out the results of this CT scan. We will not be at peace until we know what's going on. And if the results are horrible, we will totally fall apart."

But then we stopped, checked ourselves, and we asked, "REALLY?"

Was that true? Was it true that we could not be at peace RIGHT NOW — even if we didn't know the outcome, or even if the outcome promised to be horrible?

So we got really quiet that day, and we each asked: "Who do I want to be in this situation?"

The answers came, same as ever:

Calm.

Strong.

Open-hearted.

Curious.

Generous.

Wise.

Brave.

Humorous.

Patient.

Once we answered that question, we found our peace. Because THAT PART was up to us — who we would decide to be, regardless the outcome. And once we found our center again, we were able to walk into that hospital with relaxed breathing, clear eyes, steady hands, and resolute hearts. We were able to find peace BEFORE we even knew the results. And a few days later, the results came: CANCER. Not just any cancer, but terminal cancer! But by that time, we were were at peace. We were ready, because we knew who we were. And once again, facing this difficult situation, the only question on the table became, "Who do I want to be in this situation?"

That is the only question that EVER really matters.

I insist that we can learn — with practice — how to choose our emotional state in all situations. This has to be true. If this isn't true, then we are TRULY AND THOROUGHLY FUCKED — because our state of being is literally the only thing in this world that we can control.

This is not denial. This is not complacency. This not me cheerfully saying, "Oh well! I'm sure everything will be fine!" Sometimes things are not fine. Sometimes the diagnosis is terminal cancer. Sometimes the dark forces win. Sometimes the outcome is dreadful.

But all our practices in peace and grace and equanimity and courage are for TIMES LIKE THESE — for times when you do not get the outcome that you want. This is when it matters. When the shit goes down, and the shit goes wrong, and when the shit gets real — that's when the shit gets interesting. That's when the test comes: Who will you be now? Right now. Right this moment. Because that's the only part that is up to you.

So last night, Rayya and I decided to go to sleep without waiting up to find out who won the presidency. We decided to keep the phones off, and the TV off. We decided to step away from the burning vehicle of global panic. We decided that — when the world is trampling itself in a stampede of fear and anger — we will not join the stampede. In the same way that we decided six months ago to find peace in our hearts BEFORE we got the biopsy results, we decided last night to find peace in our hearts BEFORE we got the election results.

We prayed and mediated and coached each other through until our hearts and minds and bodies were at peace. Then we woke up to THIS world, and the same question as ever: "Who do I want to be in this situation?"

Calm.

Strong.

Open-hearted.

Curious.

Generous.

Wise.

Brave.

Humorous.

Patient.

Decide who you will be today, Dear Ones. RIght now. DECIDE. You can do this. This is what all your training and practice has led you to. Show the people around you what a calm and peaceful strong mind looks like. (Trust me, they need it. They already know what a panicked mind looks like; show them what a calm mind looks like.) Ask yourself again and again who you want to be, and believe that you can be it.

Nobody gets to take your emotional state away from you, unless you give it to them.

This is how you lead. This is who you are. This is how you BE.

Here we go.

ONWARD,
LG

hope when all hope is gone

I'm dreading finding out the results of the American election. It will be disasterous if Donald Trump wins, and I'm not sure how I will manage to lift myself out of the inevitable hopelessness if it happens. Even if he doesn't win I'm still despairing that so many people would vote for someone filled with so much hate and so little respect. What have we come to?

I'm going to go to bed before the coverage even starts and hopefully it will all be over when I wake.  as if to match the mood of many of my friends,  the weather outside is frightful.  I'm very glad I don't have to venture out first thing tomorrow.  some days the juggling of my three jobs pays off.

If you are off out in the first of the wintery weather,  I hope it's not too bad. Let's hope the morning is better than feared and that love trumps hate...

can you feel the love tonight?

I struggled for much of the weekend and so wisely chose to do a jigsaw on Sunday afternoon. Last week I checked out all the local charity shops for stocking presents and as well as a find for each of my kids I saw a jigsaw for a pound, which turned out to be a great treat when feeling miserable. I'm not sure why it appeals so much, I have just checked and I mention doing jigsaws quite a lot in my blog. Is it because unlike life generally in a jigsaw I can find where something fits, it's predictable and manageable and the end is in sight. So when life doesn't feel like that, it's nice to immerse myself in producing something that feels more possible. That and I just love colours and you have to look intently at the shading to match pieces.
I also got to watch the lion king which I've never done before, despite my love of kids films. And before you think it was a lazy day, I'm pleased to report I finally got round to doing the final mow of the year, which as I've left it so late had to be preceded by raking. I like raking tho, a fab activity to delay the need for putting the heating on as its very warming. I've left the rake out in the hope I will do more this week. Tho I'm not actually at home in the light much this week, which us problematic not least cos we need the table next Saturday so when exactly am I going to complete the jigsaw??

every life is sacred (pigs and mice too)

I could hear the pigs' distressed squeals some distance away. I can still clearly recall it now, from several days ago. It spoiled the walk for me, feeling helpless when confronted by the suffering, and met with the attitude that being led to slaughter was the only reason they existed in the first place. My response was what makes us think we as humans are so special? What justifies our arrogance that a human life is sacred but that of an animal is not?

Sometimes I feel isolated and misunderstood. I imagine lots of us feel that way at times. I was cheered therefore to see this clip.

http://www.aol.co.uk/video/a-plea-for-the-animals-5807d88c76a6050bae2f2890/

I think we all need to keep looking for healthy ways to reduce our sense of isolation. Mine today will involve going to church and hopefully catching up with a friend. I've felt down for much of the weekend, and didn't like that feeling in the middle of the night on waking when I suddenly remembered just how many people are cross with me at the moment. Probably a day for reminding myself that all will be well.

whizz bangs

Bonfire night falling on a Saturday is ideal but no longer relevant now I have a scaredy dog as I won't be going anywhere. We've had lots of fresh air today tho so will enjoy curling up in front of the fire, I'm hoping to finish my book. We're going to dip baguette into camembert which will be lovely.  I did some energetic gardening so that I can have a winter pudding too.
Maybe I'll have a sneaky look out of an upstairs window later to enjoy some colours, meanwhile the natural colours today were lovely.

my body is a temple

My body is the only one I will ever get and I could do a lot more to look after it better. Today i have a day off so I'm cramming as much self care in as possible and making a note to try and do more every day rather than once in a blue moon.
I was pleased to get a slot for today for the final massage in the series I booked. There was lots of tension in my shoulders and calves. And a walk amongst the trees before they lose the last of their leaves was a smart move too.

Autumn/winter

November has taken me by surprise - how on earth can it be November? The month before Christmas. The frost this morning was beautiful but again seemed really unexpected. I'm still at the end of summer. I need to catch up. Maybe a day off tomorrow will help.

toilet roll code red!

We are all different in what motivates us. My boyfriend needs the stimulus of a rapidly approaching limit to get moving, whereas I find I don't work so well with an impending deadline, the panic clouds my thinking.

He currently gets a student discount on groceries (something I'm disproportionately joyous about) so at the moment is the main hunter gatherer in terms of shopping. With just a few sheets left on the last toilet roll, he says he is more likely to get it today now it's code red.

I'm much more like my dad, prone to stock piling in case of being snowed in. Whilst there is every likelihood that my dad will be snowed in this winter, I have to remind myself that it is extremely unlikely here. I much prefer full cupboards tho, that reassurance that even if I was ill, my kids could just rustle something up. Which is silly cos my kids could just as easily nip to the shop and then make something.

To be fair the reason my boyfriend didn't get it yesterday was the essay he is writing that's due in. I'd be struggling to write it with such an immediate time limit and would have finished it last week, but that's not how he, or many others, work. 

I'm reminded of the biblical instruction to not store up things. And I'm aware anything I gather could be lost in a fire. Living day to day suits some people. But I still would rather have a good supply of tins in. Just in case.