puddles in heaven

My boyfriend was driving, and was excited by a big puddle so sped up to create maximum effect. We're very different. I avoid puddles wherever possible. I like the idea of finding joy in them tho, and we discussed making the most of life whilst we can. I countered that there will be puddles in heaven. Not that I'm really sure heaven exists, but if it does hopefully it will have whatever it is that brings joy, including massive puddles.

Let's not wait. Whatever you find enjoyment in, hope there is plenty of it this weekend.

I don't believe in idiots

Two aspects of who I am lead me to believing that no-one is worth writing off.
Firstly I'm the kind of Christian who believes that every single human is made in God's image, is wonderfully created and is a miracle to marvel at. Secondly, my counselling concepts mean I'm committed to the idea that we can believe in the goodness of all, that everyone is doing the best they can at any one moment.

Now that doesn't mean that we don't also make mistakes, hurt others, and cause all kinds of nightmares. And right now, with the possibility that Donald Trump could lead America, with all that encumbent power and potential consequences, and many hideous daily acts of violence occurring around the world, I can see it's tempting to brand some people as idiotic, dangerous, evil etc.

And yet I don't believe in idiots (or evil). I do believe that any of us can get trapped into ways of responding that mean we're not always thinking clearly, we can accidently or deliberately cause harm because of the struggles we are dealing with. And so we all need a hand.

This week I've shouted at both the smoke alarm and the microwave, both when they were simply doing their job. I figured it was better to vent my stress at inanimate objects than people, and I wasn't grateful to them for their reminders that a) I wasn't watching my cooking and b) I had long finished my cooking and needed to come back to it (I've not had a microwave before with this function. It's quite useful really as I'm now less likely to leave things in once finished). The shouting tells me I'm a bit overstretched, not that I'm bad or stupid. I'm off for a sing, that should do the trick.

staying alive

I probably shouldn't be watching this programme about ambulance teams working in London. Its harrowing. I am awaiting a social worker comedy that's on in half an hour.
There's so much about being alive I take for granted. I was grumpy this morning about not having any teabags.
And my admiration for my paramedic friends has risen even higher. One on the TV said that every shift he declares at least one person dead.

I'm the eldest in my team at work and yesterday people were saying how old they see themselves and were all imagining themselves as younger. Except me, who is already fantasizing about retiring, even tho I have nearly 3 decades to go. I think I might need a bit of a break. I fell asleep when I got home from work yesterday, I can't remember that ever happening before.

not in the city

I'm not a city girl. So maybe it's cos I spent both sat and sunday in two different cities, accessed by car, that by the end of the weekend I was craving fields and open skies. I got my atlas out and pored over the islands that I fancy visiting.
Today is cold and miserable and not much has gone to plan. I think tonight I'll look online at some pics to see which Hebridean islands in particular I want on my itinery.

Scottish longing

The aerial circus wasn't where it was supposed to be and we were too tired to hang round for 2 and a half hours so sadly we came home before the lights procession. We instead watched a film that despite it's ridiculous premis I enjoyed. The decoy bride, set on a fictional hebridean island, has reminded me how much I want to see more of the west coast of Scotland. I will see if I can watch local hero again,  as that's what started the longing to go.
I will make my dream happen.

what is

I didn't remember til after 7pm yesterday that it was my wedding anniversary. If I were still married that would be a terrible confession. But as I'm not, I'm taking it as a sign that I'm moving forward, focussed on the what is, not the what isn't.
I want to go and support one of my friends dancing this afternoon but wonder if I have enough energy to be out in town from then til the nighttime light procession. Also I'm aware the longer we're away from home the easier it is to spend money. The pull to read under the duvet, or start a jigsaw, is strong. But I could do those anytime...
Was good to go out, Preston pride was great, and I had many present moments. It's hard tho to stay with the what is,I really missed being with my kids today.

the one with the baked cheesecake

Is my body preparing for winter, wanting to lay down fat stores? I just can't seem to eat enough at the moment. We're booked in for birthday lunch in 2 hours but my tummy is already rumbling. Maybe its the wafts of the baked cheesecake for later, eminating from the kitchen? My girly hasn't made cheesecake before, I'm very excited by it. I love how she takes people's birthdays seriously and gives up hours of her time in creating edible wonders. She's a guddun.

when the grass is jewelled

Today's the first day of Autumn apparently. I love Autumn, so lots to look forwards to. Tho it also entails being colder, which I'm not so fond of. I tried taking a photo of dew on grass the other day, it didn't really come out well - it sparkled brilliantly in the sunlight but a camera couldn't capture it.

Today I am massively tired. The good news is that I have tomorrow and the weekend off so will do restorative reading etc.

I had a fab evening last night, arranged last minute, and it meant I wasn't at a place I had expected to be. When I sent my apologies via a friend, I asked her to hug the others there from me. She's an ace hugger and readily obliged. It transpired she hugged someone for the first time despite them knowing each other and working together for several years. I felt incredibly pleased to have facilitated that to happen. I wonder if that could be part of my legacy? If Kristie had been here, she would have hugged us so let us all hug one another? :D

invisible basic greek salad

I thought there was just cucumber and lettuce in the fridge, so figured my salad would be a little basic. Turns out there's not even that - pesky guinea pigs, eating my lunch. I can't believe how much they eat - and even more - how much they poo!!!!
Chippy tea tonight so emergency pot noodle out of the question. I've made a sandwich but after a lifetime of sandwiches for lunch that always seems such a boring option (especially with no salad to add).

This mundane blog interests me, cos life is a bit messy right now, but I'm getting to notice that I have lovely people who are great at offering hugs/tea/support. Yay for such ace people!!

he ain't heavy

I know I cry easily and today was an emotional day anyway, but I was moved to tears watching the news showing Alistair Brownlee help his exhausted brother over the finishing line. Looking at my Facebook feed, I'm relieved to discover I'm not the only one to do so.

I also have fallen in love with another song. Idlewild by Travis, with Josephine Oniyama. Its been out for 6 weeks but I heard it today for the first time, twice, on the radio. And then many times once I got chance much later. I don't know what it is about some songs that just somehow hit the right spot.

Just as autumn is commencing I realise I need more salad in my life.maybe it's that I need more vegetables and soups will do the job. My body doesn't thank me when I fill it with rubbish, so I've made myself a salad from the bits we have in the house and will go and stock up on healthier snacks as soon as the shops open :-)

Be essential

A friend has given me a couple of wonderful gifts over the years. One a framed pic of a beautiful butterfly drawing with the word metamorphosis.  The other a book of the little prince. Both reflect our shared hope filled view of the world.
This weekend I watched the film of t he little prince and found it even more thought provoking than the book. I was particularly taken with the college exhortation to "be essential",  seen as the only acceptable answer to what we should be when we grow up.  I think this is such a great thing to reflect on,  how we are pressured into marketing ourselves and viewing ourselves as indispensable,  and how our worth is predicated on this.  How we fret when we doubt if we are actually essential or if others would even notice if we were not there to play our role.
My favourite moment was the shock of seeing "inessential" items converted into useful paperclips. And whilst of course I love the message that our lives are more colourful when we spend time with friends,  using our imagination, and forming unique relationships,  I'm aware that I too sometimes succumb to the pull of productivity.
In a busy work week I will try to remember what is actually important.

afternoon nap

With half a dozen boys over for a sleepover, there wasn't much sleep for anyone. I'm rather hopeful I might get an afternoon nap. There's still the jungle to tame whilst the sun still shines, but mainly I need to not overdo it today.
Is it bedtime yet?

Shame I'm so squeamish about cooking nettles as I had a massive harvest of those. Good balance today of reading, volunteering and chores.

dusty joy

I'm grateful for the sunshine for but it doesn't half show up the work to be done. I have left the spider but rendered her homeless by the removal of many a cobweb. I have a wall sign declaring the word joy in big letters. That's now a bit less dusty than it was.  There is much more to do, I shall try and appreciate every ray no matter what it reveals.

I have done several unliked tasks, it was a good day to do some gardening, if it shines again tomorrow I'll be out there again. I won't be winning any prizes at any shows for my harvest. This is the sole produce of the year, a beetroot so small it wasn't worth cooking. But grated, it was still something.

I'm not gonna tell you how it's gonna be

I appreciate the same must be true for all of us - none of us know the future. I do think however, many of us live each day as if things are going to carry on along the same trajectory. I know I've blogged in a similar vein before. Maybe this is just how life is when you're on short term contracts? But I am currently feeling some insecurity about what the future might hold, as I just don't know how it is going to be. And so the Rolling Stones came to mind (I didn't know Buddy Holly had done it first, Me and my sister listened to a rolling stones album a lot when we were younger). Reflecting now, I find the line abusive. No-one has the right to tell anyone else how it will be.
It reminds me of the interesting audio book I'm listening to - Brene Brown is just describing how lots of us see "power" negatively, imagining it to be "power over" someone else, where such power is finite and about inequality. Real power however is infinite and if each of us were in our power, we would be aware that we can make things happen. It's a force on/through ourselves, not on others. Good stuff.

kirtle

The book group book I'm reading at the moment is a novel about Pendle witches and I'm discovering things that not being into history, have somehow passed me by. I didn't know that people used to be fined if they didn't attend church, for example. I know not everyone might agree, but I feel the choices open to us currently are immense (especially when compared to the past, tho i'm a believer that we all have choices always. I guess the consequences can change, leaving us feeling more or less restricted depending on the consequences of those choices).
A word that keeps appearing is kirtle, and I sometimes says it out loud, or at least form the word with my mouth, as there's something rather magnificent about it. I've always had a penchant for words beginning with a k.
This morning I have been doing a mish-mash of my 3 jobs at the same time. I'm glad to be heading off to just the one at once!
I hope you encounter lovely words today.

The ones I have thought of today include
Kugelhopf, katzen, kirsch, kaput and Kierkegaard

resonance

Like

“You don’t measure love in time. You measure love in transformation. Sometimes the longest connections yield very little growth, while the briefest of encounters change everything. The heart doesn’t wear a watch - it’s timeless. It doesn’t care how long you know someone. It doesn’t care if you had a 40 year anniversary if there is no juice in the connection. What the heart cares about is resonance. Resonance that opens it, resonance that enlivens it, resonance that calls it home. And when it finds it, the transformation begins…”
― Jeff Brown

I like this quote. I believe in the transformative power of love. I think it helps when we are open to the resonance, and that we can experience it daily if we look out :-)

The other way around

Having helped to crowdfund David LaMotte's latest CD, I received my copy of it last week. I think my favourite lyrics are in the last track "Just one candle" based on St Francis of Assisi's words that "All the darkness in the world can't extinguish the light of just one candle". Amongst other things the song speaks of how when someone dies their light remains - just like the stars we see now actually stopped existing some time ago but their light shines on. Powerful stuff.

Here for a good time not a long time

I'd not heard this phrase until the last year or so, and now am frequently reminded of it. I worry more than needed and my cautious inclinations can squish the joy out of living. Today I'm reading at a baptism, and its the one about the lillies of the field not worrying.
And so yesterday I decided not to fret about costs, that everything will be fine with money this time next year, and so to enjoy this weekend now whilst it's happening. I was like a big kid on the final train. For me the point was the journey rather than the destination, I was so excited about seeing the rivulets and the patterns in the sand, and marvelling at the engineering that meant we could cross water by train. In comparison other passengers were dozing, maybe this is a regular commute for them? I'm perhaps the same, working in Blackpool where I just get frustrated by traffic at the same time people next to me are excitedly enjoying their holidays.
I'm a big believer tho in enjoying life on the way, hope you enjoy all your metaphorical and actual journeys today :-)

take two

Last Saturday was such a lovely day. The week since has felt trying. Today is Saturday once more and there are options open. We might try again to do what we'd planned last weekend and weren't able to. That costs money tho and I'm not sure if i can in my mind extend my birthday treat this far. Staying at home to read and get jobs done is free, but won't create the same memories. And I'm not saying we can't find joy in the mundane. Just that I already have plenty of memories of cleaning the bathroom and hoovering, yet have never been to grange.

we'll see (you'll know from what photos I share)

I made myself giggle - I was tempted to share a photo of the bathroom grime that is still there. But I thought you'd prefer these - one from the train window whilst going over the causeway, one that includes an island with lots of trees (I preferred grange to lytham despite some similarities, because I just need trees. Finally, the afternoon tea was fab. I still have the choc brownies for another sitting.

blink and you miss it?

It's been a while since I found the time to accompany my boyfriend on the dog walk. To be fair I didn't manage much dogwalking myself today either , I mainly took pics to share with you :)

These flowers - to me - seem to have come from nowhere, and are lovely.

Note to self - stop being too busy.

rain rain rain

It's chucking it down today and I need lights on to work. Metaphorically apt too as once again there seems to be several tricky situations needing my good thinking all at the same time - why does that happen? The good news is tho that the phrase "rain rain rain" makes me think of a One Voice song we sing that then goes "glorious rain" and is about showers of blessings.
Hope that's the kind of rain you're getting too :)

on not being God

I am feeling very grateful to my friend who has reminded me that what is important is to focus on God and then how to be will hopefully arise from that.
I don't have to be like God. Which is a relief as not only does that feel impossible, but I'm aware we regularly make God in our own image.

Focussing on God feels easier - I'm someone who sees God wherever I look - tho sometimes I forget and it's important to be reminded to keep noticing. For me God's not a bearded old man in the clouds, more of a verb than a singularly occuring noun. So I see God everytime I spot these unexpected flowers. I hear God when I read my friends emails to me or catch laughter or angry shouts in the street. Not that I think God shouts angrily, I just sense that God is there whilst people struggle to get along cos our hurting has us react to one another. Sometimes I can feel that God is with me, or within me.

I don't think there's anywhere where God is not, but that often we don't spot God.
What do you think/feel?

Germanic tribes

I don't know why I watch university challenge, I don't even understand the categories of the questions let alone feel I can have a stab at the answers. Feeling stupid didn't help my grumpy mood at all.
And the truth is none of us are stupid. There are things we know, things we don't know. There are things we are naturally good at, things we are good at with considerable effort, and things that just are not so much our focus, and we can't all be good at everything and that's totally fine.

I've never been much cop at General Knowledge. It was always my worse exam result by far at primary school. There's just so many things out there that we could know about that frankly don't interest me. I'm not into knowing the names of people in politics or royalty. Sport, history, I don't know terms or winners or facts. So I'm happy to stick with what I do know. That listening makes a difference. That relationships are important. That hugging it out is often the answer ;)

Nadia

I was very moved by a lot of what Nadia shared at Greenbelt. I cried a lot and can see there's still much to work through.

She spoke a lot about how we can't be any more or any less loved by God because of anything we do. I agree, tho in accepting that truth get to observe just how far from being like God I am. Are we supposed to be as much as we can be like God? Maybe I'm called to be like me. Still mulling that one.
Given that I recently blogged on how I can find other people's jagged edges hurtful, I was interested by her comments on how it is our jagged edges that give God and others something to grasp hold of. I'm still pondering this too. I like how she says we often have an ideal image of who we should be, and that person is not who we actually are. And we think that the ideal person would be loved better (by God and ourselves) whereas God loves us fully just as we really are.
I'm in a post birthday slump and feel far from my ideal self, but will keep reminding myself that it's still enough.

cake plans

As you know, I I love feeling connected to my beloveds, and lots were in touch yesterday, so it was fab. Due to the poor weather forecast tho,  I didn't leave the house the entire day. The good news is this means my celebrations are now spread across the whole weekend. After church we will hopefully head to Lancaster to catch the train over the sands to grange. I don't think I've even been on a train on a causeway and I'm excited by it. The plan is for us to then have afternoon tea.
And I also know that things don't always go to plan, so we'll see :-)
Hope you are finding joy in whatever your weekend is holding!

Well I was right, things didn't go to plan, and I was a lot less able to go with the flow of those changes than yesterday.

brilliant/birthday

I love my birthday :-)

I'm like my dad in many ways, and like him I'm not one for presents. But unlike him, who doesn't like anyone to ring, I do enjoy spending the day thanking people for letting me know I'm important to them. As my dad says, we can do this any day of the year. And I do! But birthdays are a good motivator for people to mention that you matter to them, and for some people, an opportunity to tell me what it is about me that they appreciate.

This is the back of the card :-)

After much effort on my part to work through a whole pile of doubts and old feelings, I mainly feel great about myself and have a good sense of my significance for a whole lot of people who similarly matter a great deal to me. Having wonderful people in my life is a joy and something I frequently celebrate, and birthdays are a great focus for celebrating our existence and the folk who make my life the amazing gift it is.
This card was from my gorgeous work colleagues who frequently get to be alongside me in my grumpiness as well as see my skills in action. I'm very lucky to work with such ace people.

I'm having such a lovely day! Loads of beautiful messages and interactions. Breakfast in bed of Homemade bread and jam, my girly had made neither before but they worked out perfectly. I'm feeling so loved up :-)

And we finished with watching The Rise of the Guardians - my kids know my film type so well! Fear being overcome by light. Its been lovely all round, I was right to wake up excited. What's particularly good is that the day didn't go to plan, rain stopped play for the day trip, and the film we were going to watch we couldn't find. And yet it still was ace. I could taste the love in the unending treats my girly had created. From start to finish people were in touch. Feeling v grateful :-)

One day we shall live in peace and a little child shall lead us

You know I love Greenbelt so much - to those of you who were there I'm very grateful for you helping to make it what it was. To those of you who weren't, I want to try and share some of what made it special for me.

I'm going to start with the communion service. Anyone wanting to follow along you can actually listen to the whole thing here, or look at what inspired it, and see the song that I liked most: http://www.greenbelt.org.uk/communion-service/

The song "one day" was particularly brilliant, on how no matter what currently divides us, we will one day be happily alongside one another. Man U and Man City supporters sat on the same bench cheering each others goals. In fact, the song printed doesn't have all the lyrics used - I like that there must have been a hastily added up-to-date extra. Those lines were about how women in burkhinis and bikinis will lie alongside each other on the beach, whilst men in business suits rub suncream on the backs of men in speedos.

I liked the witty little tiny bits like you might spot in the photo.

And I really liked how the entire service was led by children. Not a token bit. The Whole Thing. This included interviewing the Archbishop of Canterbury, whose humility I admired. I appreciate for some that it might have been tricky not to have someone Ordained with a capital o to officiate over the bread and wine, but that's never an issue for me.

There was much to be delighted about at GB, I will share more soon, but for now, how ace is it to know that whatever, right now, is dividing you from anyone else - that's not going to last forever. I think we all have a responsibility to work on whatever that barrier is in the meantime, to make it sooner. But eventually, we are not going to be divided from anyone. Hurrah!!!!!!

car treasure hunts

(I've not forgotten about greenbelt. Most certainly not. Just still not had time to blog about it fully yet.)

Yesterday I got to go to the wedding of someone special to me - she has mattered to me since before she was born, and it was lovely to go and celebrate with her and her family - there was a violinist on a sunny courtyard whilst we ate our arrival icecream and it was very lovely indeed. I don't think I've ever had a meal that involved a palette cleansing sorbet in between the courses, or used a loo where there were individual hand towels that then went immediately in a laundry basket.

To get to the reception we had to follow printed directions, the format of which (the style, even the font) took me back to my high school days and happy memories of car treasure hunts. The environmentalist in my nowadays wouldn't let me enjoy such flagrant use of petrol, but back in the day they were a real treat. A team (such as the aforementioned family before they had their kids) per car, following directions revolving around observable clues - counting postboxes, looking up historical plaques, days out in the country lanes having fun. Ahhhh.

I treasure those memories ;)