the answer my friend

I got to the bottom of the trays of paperwork - hurrah!
And got up at 4 in the morning to put the full paper recycling bin out once the wind had died down - kind of hurrah!
It's been a very busy day so far, I have worked hard. I'm glad lots of folks marched to show support for our climate. I still wish there was a few more hours in my day so I could do more as it feels like there is more than I can fit in.
I'm taking a pile of papers with me to the drumming lesson so I can file them into new and separate files. A time will come when things are more settled, I know that, and will keep telling myself that until I fully believe it.

huddled

I want to stay huddled indoors - the weather has been incredibly rainy and windy of late. But as we're singing a new song for advent I need to get out there. Yesterday's paperwork sorting progress was frustratingly slow and I can feel that frustration running through my body. Here's hoping today feels better all round.

 It's getting better, but so flipping slowly! A whole agonizing weekend and there's still lots to get through...

tasks

For a little while people have been asking me if I'm ready for Christmas and I've incredulously replied no, as it's such a long way off and I don't think about it til Dec starts.I know see that December is imminent and as we are going away for my mum's birthday, that kind of brings the "deadline" for being ready forwards and suddenly there's only a couple of weekends to get my act together. Meanwhile I'm also supposed to be stripping the loft ceiling of the polystyrene panels, and the main task of the weekend is supposed to be space creation for the big items that are in the process of arriving from my boyfriend's flat. This is my overflowing in-tray that has to be sorted today.
And yet my sad boy is going to be my main focus, cos I know what is important.

Argghhhh, I so dislike sorting paperwork...

new territory

After school today we will be burying a hamster. I've not officiated at a pet burial before but am probably less anxious about it than my very sad boy. We once held a family gathering to share memories of our cat when she went missing and never came back, that felt like a good way of marking something significant.
It's perhaps a time for trying out new roles - in my dreams this week I've done various things I wouldn't do in real life. Last night I was rude and sarcastic to a member of staff at a hotel/restaurant. And the night before I was an arsonist,
I'm not ready for leading choir tonight and I still haven't been to pick up my new glasses which have been ready and waiting for several days now.

My new look will need to wait for next week now. The burial was sad but important to do. I don't think any of us are yet in a suitable frame of mind for tonight's fundraising fun, hopefully we will be in a bit.

oooh into ahhh

We're learning a new song as we'll be accompanying a famous singer in one of her songs at a special gig next week. I won't be there for the gig as it's a Friday and I've missed too many of my usual Friday commitments, but it was fab to be at the rehearsal last night as there is a lovely moment where the ooohs turn into an ahhh. Maybe you had to be there.
Today's task is to see if I can turn my oohs into ahhs. I'm still both grumpy and upset about the unfairness of things. Whilst there is cause to celebrate that the working family tax credits are not going to be cut, which feels like a victory for people power, whilst one hand gives the other takes away, and cuts to public spending are going to hit hard. I can't get my head round how we can live in a nation that sees tampons as a luxury item and yet funds a new private jet for a prime minister (helicopters I gather don't have VAT on them as they are not deemed a luxury. I don't know if this also applies to private jets).
The funding for the work I do, which I know changes peoples lives, is ridiculously minimal and some days that rankles.
I went for a mood busting walk on the beach with some lovely peeps which did the trick - forgot that meant that I had the car at work (I never take it to my local job) and was part way (walking) home before I remembered...

high voltage

Apparently high voltage has caused the power cuts we have had the last 3 nights. I do like having electricity and guess it's important to have the reminder to be grateful.
I gave up my evening last night to do someone a favour and they didn't even say thankyou. It's helpful for me to recognise why I make the choices I make and notice that it's not going to work if I only do things for the appreciation :-)

This morning I have to leave at 8.45 for a meeting - this means battling against the school traffic I usually avoid on my street at that time. Yesterday there were moments when I felt even the traffic lights were against me - hopefully today will be a better day all round!

Blooming technology.  I thought I'd posted this at 8 this morning??

Grumpy about the unfairness of stuff.

new view

Just in the nick of time the man who will transform our loft came to discuss ideas. Genius that he is, he has suggested we put a window in the outside wall rather than the roof - seems blindingly obvious now but sometimes we need other people's input don't we? Before work I need to phone and check we don't need planning permission. I'm excited as it will be a view I've not seen before - our landing window is frosted so we can't see out, this will be directly above it, and whilst it won't look out over the fields, I'm still looking forwards to seeing what it will mean we can see.

I'm pleased to have been asked to do my girly's lunch as it meant I could pop in some happy birthday sparkly bits. Hope you get to spot the sparkly bits of today too.

One of the songs on the radio on the way into work involved a line about this being the best day of my life, and I do try and live like that. However today has had lots of crappy bits in it and it was a struggle to see the sparkles - there was a moment tho, so I shall hold on to that :)

thirsty

I read an article on the things we can do to try and reduce tiredness. The main suggestion I fancied involves making sure I'm not dehydrated and so drinking more water. This seemed like a quick win so I will aiming for more water this week. Ironically this then meant I woke up needing to go to the loo in the night so we will see just how well this plan goes.

Clearing out other people's stuff is infinitesimally easier than clearing my own stuff, but I'm reminded I need to take the log out of my own eye before helping others with the speck in theirs...

once upon a time

Once again I'm emotional this morning. I have a headache that I think is repressed feelings. My dreams last night came out of watching 4 episodes back to back of a fantasy tv programme involving fairytale characters stuck in modern America following a curse. My girly is up to season 5, it will take a while to catch her, but I like the strong female leads.

Its been a while since I made a cake, probably a whole year in fact. With a baker in the house I don't often have the need any more. I enjoyed doing it, and licking the spoon after has to be one of life's greatest pleasures :-)

better than expected

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning, I was feeling cold and miserable and thought the weather was the same. It is cold, but the sun is out. This is a relief as staying in bed wouldn't get the house ready for the teenage onslaught this afternoon. We're taking lots of folks to a trampolining centre before the sleepover after, I'm wondering if the 'wear them out and they'll sleep ' strategy used on toddlers and dogs will have any success at all. There is a cake - photo later - the first cake my boyfriend has ever made in the 50 years of his life. It feels like it has taken him 2 days to make and decorate it and I'm touched by the effort he has gone to. I've not had anything to do with it so me and my boy are going to be making the one for the day itself on Tuesday.

I'm pleased with the send off we gave yesterday to the last of my original colleagues. I'm feeling fearful at the moment of all the change and loss that is happening. I'm trying to remind myself that in my life experiences so far, the anticipation of how horrible it will be is never as bad as the reality, as when you are in that place of the change already happened there are new opportunities to love, and ways of loving in new ways those who were there before.

There's no rushing through those feelings I guess. Maybe if I didn't get in touch with the pain of not being with people I wouldn't be in such a good place to welcome all that is to come.

And here is my only harvest of the year. Just picked them now and put them on the windowsill to ripen as I don't think they would last another night. Funny old year.

hygge

Winter's coming, already I'm finding it too cold and its going to get a lot worse before it gets better. I'm all in favour of this:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/wellbeing/mood-and-mind/Danish-cosy-hygge-lifestyle-cosiness-winter-warmth-Nordic-Danes-Scandi-home-interiors/

Given how little I like waste, I spend a lot of time breaking up wax from candles that have stopped working and redistributing it round other candles/fashioning new wicks etc. That'll keep me out of mischief these next few months.

missing

In my late evenings I'm once again immersed in the fictional world created by Robin Hobb of assassins and dragons and people who can talk to each other instantly without needing a reliable internet connection. Some days I feel like I do have people right there in my head, but I still want to be hugging them. It's 3.30pm and I've still not yet seen either of my children today - first time this term they haven't been here in a morning, and it's like my arms are physically missing them.
I said to someone today that is is a good thing that they are missing someone - it shows that there is a real relationship there. When we miss people it is because they matter to us.
I must remember tomorrow to take the flowers and buffet goodies that I have gleefully bought to mark a last day tomorrow - tho part of me thinks we could all be way better at appreciating people before they leave. It will be my first proper opportunity to get to know one of the newbies so hopefully she will get to feel celebrated nice and early on. Maybe I need to take more cake.

in with the new (but not out with the old)

I'm getting to meet three new colleagues today. I wonder if they will like hugs. I'm hoping not to alarm them by the length of hug I will be having with an existing colleague who promised me hugs after sharing a heartbreaking post on facebook yesterday. A series of harrowing photos of Syrian children sleeping in a variety of places, displaced from their usual comforting bed, parted (permanently) from those they love. I know it is important to look for the hope but I can see how the world is also a bleak place.

https://www.facebook.com/TVRav/media_set?set=a.840006159448119.1073741858.100003162278466&type=3&pnref=story

I debated whether or not to share the link here as I want to be a harbinger of hope not despair. And yet I also know that we need to be inspired by the anger that injustice brings. Seeing these has spurred me into knowing we all need to do more. As a starter I might ask for Christmas for a warm coat to unicef, tho almost immediately I again get overwhelmed how that just Isn't Enough.

(Couldn't wait til Christmas. bought "myself" a warm set of clothing now)

Today I will be singing Inspired by love and anger. I'd like that at my funeral too please.

My hug buddy at work is awesome. Throughout my file today I found various affirming post it notes :D

clutter finds

Sat eve was the first time folk have been over for an evening meal in a long long time. It was good :) My memories of doing such entertaining before included more stress - as I have always been the one responsible for the food. Not any more :) I did discover that some of the essentials for catering for guests had got mislaid in the intervening years, so Sunday I cleared out all three dresser drawers (emptying one entirely by the time I'd thrown away my collection of wine bottle corks and reduced my stash of paper party hats for re-use). So far, so motivated. But then in trying to clear the top surface of the dresser, I came across a thankyou card we made, wrote and clearly never sent from maybe 7 years ago? And then some expired coupons - not the type where it's 10p off an item you would have never bought anyway. The sort that are simply cash equivalent and totalled over a fiver. And once more I was floored by the immensity of the task and ground to a halt. I've not really picked myself up since. It's odd how little things can do that. Instead of congratulating myself on how much I did clear over the weekend, I was scuppered by losing out on a bit of money because I can't quite keep on top of everything all at once.
Today's the start of the last 3 days with our admin marvel and I'm sad. My cuddle shop idea has resurfaced - maybe now is the time to take it seriously???
Frantic dash to get kids to opticians,  tea out after.  The busyness is a good thing when we have our loved ones with us.

Later

Not done vast amounts of work yet, but maybe it's not going to be that sort of day. Converting the loft into a teenager's den is one of the things nearing the top of my agenda - especially as it's supposed to be linked to my girly's birthday next week and as yet not much progress has been made, so I thought I'd best show willing today.
Lots of waterlogged fields out there, we went to do a quick check on the river Ribble (I do like that as a river name) and it's not threatening immediate bank breaking in the place we checked so that's good. Didn't stop for photos tho.

I need to have a work tech guy access my computer remotely this afternoon - was weird knowing that he could in theory see everything I have stored on my computer. So much of what I feel I am is here - I really must back it up.

I was right about there being evidence of love in the face of hate. I can't copy the link whilst I'm using my tablet, will try tomorrow, but for example so many Parisians went to give blood Friday night many were asked to come back later.

http://www.sfgate.com/world/article/Six-acts-of-kindness-in-Paris-that-show-love-is-6634055.php

flag of the world

I'm not familiar with Paris, it's not somewhere I've been to on holiday, tho I would be able to locate it on an unmarked map, unlike Beirut which I'm sad to say I wouldn't. I understand that lots of my facebook friends from the UK will feel more of an affinity with France as one of our closest neighbours, than with countries further afield experiencing terrorism this week. And yet I also feel a bit uneasy somehow with the way some loss of life seems less unexpected. So I understand that the day before the horrors in Paris, 43 people were killed and 239 injured in suicide bombings in Beirut. Every single one of these lives matter. Including those of the people who committed the killings. And yet there has been comparatively little reported about that news story here it would seem.
I'm in a minority amongst my FB friends in that I have not added a French flag over my profile pic. I think showing solidarity is a brilliant thing to do. I guess I'm trying to figure my own way of wanting to show solidarity with a grieving world rather than nation. Perhaps we need to design a flag for the whole of planet earth? This afternoon I will draw something I can at least change my profile pic to, even if its not going to be a contender for a global flag :-)

look for the love

I was at a brilliant party last night, dancing and playing fabulous games until late, blissfully unaware of the events unfolding in Paris. Just like everyday, how I live without any awareness of the pain, loss, anger and grief of many, many folk affected by wars and greed and incidents that don't reach my consciousness in my own bubble of existence. If they are deemed newsworthy, they briefly come and go and I just simply don't know about how myriad people's lives are changed in an instant.
Sometimes a particular horror is brought to our attention and we get to feel a whole host of feelings in response that can include powerlessness. despair and fear. And when we are scared we can lash out, wanting to blame, wanting revenge, wanting to protect all we love. My heart is warmed today by the compassion evident in my newsfeed on facebook and yet I'm aware of places where this violence has incited further violence. When confronted by this, my challenge (to myself and to everyone) is to keep looking for the love.

The campaign group Hope not hate had this status last night:
As Paris (and wider France) tonight closes up and comes to a (temporary) standstill, people in France are offering their spare beds and sofas to people who are stranded by using the hashtag ‪#‎PorteOuverte‬ on twitter. People still remain decent in this world.

And I was reminded of something I only recently read about how kindness and generosity was shown to passengers grounded when flights were suspended during 9-11:
https://www.facebook.com/Amazing.Beautiful.Things/posts/647014045426565

And when it is hard to see the actions of love - you know what we need to do then, don't you? WE need to be the love for ourselves, be the ones instigating the kindness in the face of fear. Every one of us can do that :)

Musical chairs

It was a brilliant party!  I have never before played musical chairs accompanied by the Smiths and I think that for me summed up the night. Some folk might consider a grown up party to be a markedly different event than those enjoyed as a child. I loved that we played pass the parcel as well as encouraging strangers to join the disco dancing. We were asked to take any musical instruments we could play and so I took my newly made lentil shaker which got a lot of use :)
Our party bag equivalent was a leftover jar of homemade pickled onions :-)
And despite not getting home til after midnight,  I'm up in time to walk the dog at 930 with a friend. Will be great to catch up with her, before a cleaning frenzy as we have guests for dinner tonight.

I'm glad I went to bed on a party high feeling the love without hearing any news about how hate and violence can beget more hate and more violence. Lots of loving work to do still peeps. xx

finding what we can do

love this:
http://www.metaspoon.com/typewriter-artwork-paul-smith/?fb=M1

Discovering the things we are good at and enjoy is surely key to a fulfilled existence. Even if we're not always appreciated as much as this guy seems to be - there will be days when everyone applauds us for our talents and days when they don't.

The party I'm going to tonight is being thrown to thank us for being friends of the host - a marvellous idea! I'm looking forwards to it tho am not sure how many others there I will know (to begin with?!).

...
Chance encounter in the chip shop means a lift bagged for my boy to his scout event, freeing me up to do a fly-by-hugging of my choir mates on way to party - yay, I have a (definitely not a birthday) gift I want to pass on and I don't do patience very well :)

Bah,  not doing that now as recipient won't be there. Double hugs next week!

Cinderella

I got to be Cinderella last night, one of many moments in my life where I have volunteered to get up and do something unknown rather than leave the person leading upfront without anyone willing to help. It didn't involve more than a bit of twirling whilst I sang along with everyone else, and no-one knew I was in my holey shoes rather than glass slippers.
I like that we can try out different ways of being to how we would usually be. Which aspect of your personality might you choose to play up or play down today? Wearing a shawl like scarf helped me with my twirling - maybe I will wear it again today :D

Today I am rocking the Tintin look. This is not deliberate (despite what my colleague thought yesterday when it wasn't even so pronounced).
Shaved it off now... brrrrrr.

This fits in very well with my "who will you be today?" theme :D
http://www.wimp.com/6-photographers-shoot-the-same-man/?utm_source=facebook.com/

surprising

I can't recall what I dreamed of, but I was surprised to discover it was only Wednesday when I woke - maybe felt like a long night?
I was also surprised to discover last night that the same actor (who is actually a comedian) who played Nigel in Rev was also Archie the Inventor from Balamory. Of course! And more surprising still, had a sense that maybe I had already made that connection but forgotten. My brain does not seem to be as reliable as it used to be.
I wonder what else will surprise me today.

...
(I don't think my computer running so slowly that I can't really do anything counts as a surprise). Here's a joke for a grey day:
What's blue and not heavy?
Light blue :)

when what you want is what you have

I really don't know why i was doing one of those fun online quizzes about finding the perfect dog for my personality. I don't want a dog. But what was very interesting is that in answering each question I realised that my answers match the very dog cuddled up to me right now.
I get the sense that lots of us struggle to realise that what we already have is enough. I was not happy with myself for the binge chocolate session I had before the church meeting that left me feeling a bit sick. But I felt even more sick when after the meeting I watched a programme on waste and discovered just how much food farmers and supermarkets throw out. And I can't get my head round the startling fact that in this nation we throw into the bin 10,000 items of clothing every 10 minutes. Given the plethora of bags that come through my letterbox, I simply can't understand what excuse folk have for putting clothes into a dustbin instead of giving them to charity.
Is this why I can't sleep or is it the excess sugar?

....
Ooooh, this interests me - might have to investigate further:
'Are you an ‘enthusiastic person’ in the true meaning of that word – en theos – someone inspired by and excited by God, and able to see God in all things and all people?'
A great quote from Bishop Stephen Cottrell at the memorial service for Martin Cavender.

it's only water

Yesterday had one of the scariest journeys I've ever driven in. At least I was driving, so had more control than if I'd been a passenger. The volume of water on the road was incredible and so the floods I drove through on numerous occasions were really deep, and the water hitting the car from all angles made visibility difficult. Several times I heard the phrase from a passenger saying "it's only water" - which is something I often utter myself when we're caught out walking in the rain. I may not do that any more as whilst it is trying to lighten the atmosphere, yesterday it served to heighten my feeling that no-one understood how scared I was. Whilst we might not be scared of the rain when walking in it, the "it's only water" phrase might show a lack of empathy when someone is miserable about being soaked through. Maybe it's all about tone.

I'm glad that I don't need to venture out until much later into what is another wet and miserable day. Tho in turning to this week in the diary I now see it is a busy week, with several nights out, including a party I'd forgotten means I won't be singing on Friday, but at least I can get to Wednesday singing this week for the only time in 3 weeks. Pesky busyness.

I was sad to discover the new song I'd heard is from an already famous advert. I like this parody:
http://metro.co.uk/2015/11/07/heres-a-very-different-take-on-the-john-lewis-christmas-ad-courtesy-of-goldie-lookin-chain-5487204/?ito=facebook

I have done a healthy balance of things thus far today, some work, some domestic chores, some supporting and being supported by friends, and making a shaker out of green lentils that were so many years out of date they were deemed unsuitable for tonight's stew :D

broken and beautiful together

We all got very very wet at the cenotaph but I'm glad I went. I was still the only one wearing a white poppy but I had a nod of joy from someone I knew was glad I was wearing it, so that felt less isolating. There were several folk interested in church this morning in having one from me. Maybe next year I'll even put it in the notices.

Todays words of wisdom found on facebook and attributed to Glennon Melton:

I used to say "I'm broken, fix me" then I grew up a little and said "Wait a minute, i'm not broken". And now I'm a real grown up so I say "of course I'm broken, and I love, love, love myself that way. If you're comfortable with that come sit with me and we can laugh and cry and be broken and beautiful together. But don't try to fix me, I didn't ask for that. I just asked for some good company in which to be human."

keeping warm

It's as if the rain and wind have joined forces to pummel the last of the reluctant leaves from the trees. I feel I should have made more of autumn whilst it lasted, as my favourite season of the year. Maybe its not too late, but for this morning at least my plan is to snuggle down with a book. We're out later as my girly needs warmer clothes, maybe I will look for Christmas shopping as I concede it is on its way. And tonight we are supposed to be at a fireworks display - we will see.
That'll be a no. Oh well, maybe next year.

ready?

The dog gets really scared by fireworks and remembering this we took him out for a wee just before it went dark. He then flatly refused to go out again, even at midnight when they had long stopped. So come 2am he is whining that he needs to go out. Love is the getting up without complaining and letting him out even tho I'd rather not leave my warm bed. I guess it's having the compassion that he just wasn't ready until that (inconvenient) point. I suspect the same will happen the next two nights.
For an impatient like me, I'm learning how other people's (and dog's) readiness will always be according to their timings not mine, and I think I've mellowed with age and become more accepting of that. I like that about myself :)

This quote seems to keep coming up a lot at the moment:
"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid"
Frederick Buechner.

Hope today - for you as well as me - has more of the beautiful than the terrible, and that we do a reasonable attempt of not being afraid.

...
How on trend am I? I heard the end of a lovely cover on the radio by Aurora so came home to look it up and find it was only released today :)

bigging each other up

Not enough singing or sleeping so far this week, so consequently feeling flat today. And so I rang a friend - ostensibly to see how she's doing after a tough time but turned into a mutual big-each-other- up. I do like my friends :)

It's very rainy and even when wearing shoes other than my holey ones, my feet are now very soggy.

Today has involved several instances of trying to remind various wonderful people just how fabulous they are and how in the face of seemingly not being wanted, we really really are wanted. Maybe it's because it's what I need to be reminding myself of too - how quickly we can lose sight of it amidst the detritus of life.

Wish I was here

Wasn't sure if my film choice was going to be a good one, I could do with a comedy rather than a weepy, and weep I did. But I am glad I watched it and would recommend it, great soundtrack too.

Up early today as I'm too grumpy to sleep. Which will mean I'm even grumpier later, and no singing for me today as it is another leaving do tonight, hopefully the last in a while?

Will-writing morning has arrived and am hoping they don't want answers to questions I've not prepared. Solicitor was very lovely - must take her flowers when I go back to sign it, as the way of will aid is that she gets nothing, all the money goes to charity. I'm glad I've sorted it even if I did have a little cry whilst doing it, trying to think about whether I want to be cremated or buried (the former) and what would happen if me and the kids were all killed at the same time does not make for a fun interview. I do feel rather grown up and life has been all rather grown up of late, so I wonder if I should go in fancy dress tonight for a bit of much needed silliness??

Meanwhile I have now discovered what song it is the radio has been repeatedly playing, just for me, these last few weeks. It's by U2 and there is indeed a light that never goes out. Hurrah.

on hold/holding on

So today sees the start of my longer working days and I've been on hold on the phone for over half an hour already about my working tax credits - I feel a sense of irony if that then makes me late. (Finally through now and I had to whisper "love you" as I said goodbye to the kids as they left for school, prompting a different conversation with the guy at the other end of the phone). All sorted now hopefully and feels like I've achieved something already :)
As someone whose strength isn't either paperwork or handling technical hitches, I really appreciate those people who sort that kind of thing out. The marvelous person who keeps everything together in our office has only 2 weeks more with us so I'm taking a little chocolate bar in for both of us today.
Need to keep focusing on the positive!

Night off tonight - yay! Wonder if we will watch a film or something. Feel a little under the weather so thinking of bringing the duvet down and putting the fire on. Dog already making dog shaped dents in the new sofa. I want to join him :)

little treasures

Lots to handle this morning, so I was wisely encouraged to get out for some fresh air. I found this gorgeous conker, the photo doesn't do it justice, but this side is flat as well as beautifully coloured with various brown swirls. I shall keep stroking and admiring it as the day progresses.

Before starting my work I checked down the side of the sofa that the council will be collecting later. I'm glad I did, because amongst the old toast, hair bobbles, pens and conkers (again! yet these were shrivelled), I discovered my girly's long lost keys. She will be pleased.

And once the old sofa has gone, we will be able to enjoy the new one more (new to us, a lucky find in the charity shop last week).

What an emotional morning it has been (and I don't mean saying goodbye to the sofa). I'd like to blame the government, but maybe it would serve me better not to scapegoat, that it's not about finding fault, just acknowledging how sad I feel about things changing. Good job I had my lovely conker to stroke today!! 

Thankfully the church meeting was short, so home for cake, cocoa and an early night.

  

November

I can't quite believe it is November already. The year seems to be running away from me. Last night in part of my dreams I was running away - I was in the army and getting away from the enemy. None of this running counts as actual exercise. Hopefully this afternoon I'll get out on my bike, which will count. The drumming yesterday was pretty active, now that's the kind of exercise I like :-) I tried power walking home from church but I had to keep stopping each time I bumped into people I've not seen in a while and wanted to catch up with - so I may just end up pudgy but happily connected :D